How I'm Feeling Right Now

I Need To Dance

Three songs I'm dying to go to the club for.
What use are these songs if I haven't danced to them yet?

T-Pain Feat. Lil' Wayne - Can't Believe It (New) [HQ]
by wonderful-life1989

John Legend ft Andre 3000-Greenlight (NEW)
Uploaded by SaucissonMan

Go to the 2 minute mark...

T.I. Ft. Rihanna - Whatever You Like / Live Your Life (Live)
Uploaded by wonderful-life1989

Menswear

Oh how I love a nicely tailored/dressed man. TIME's Style&Design issue is all about menswear and Tom Ford donning the front cover in superstar style. Man he looks good! 5 buttons on his jacket cuff, a crisp white shirt, and a wool, buttoned vest. He's SUCH a boss. There's a balance to be found though when men dress. At least for my men there are. I don't necessarily want my man to look like he walked off a runway (hence fruity), but there are a few particulars that I think every man should have in his closet. In my humble opinion...

First of all, a fly casual coat or two is a must. You can easily throw it on with some timbs and jeans and even (gasp!) a white tee, and look fresh to death. Spend a little money on your outerwear and any man is SET.

You know what else I love on a man? Sweaters. Pullover sweaters. Soft cashmere ones are the best but wool and cotton will do as well. For some reason, a lot of men are afraid of sweaters. Why is that? Well maybe that was the case back in college. Hopefully dudes have grown since then.

Next, is the watch. I ALWAYS notice a man's watch. A really nice watch says a lot about a man, I believe. It doesn't have to be a Rolex nor a Audemars Piguet watch, but it must be clean. I suggest having a slick black one, and a rugged brown one with stitching detail at least. Build up the collection from there.

I don't even need to mention this, but please have a head to toe nice suit look. That inlcudes the suit, the tie, the shirt, the shoes and the socks. Yes, dress socks ARE important. Go to GAP or Banana Republic and pick up some nice argyle ones for example. Those are always classy.

And last, but DEFINITELY not least (in fact, I should have put this first), is the cologne. Jean Paul Gaultier and Yves Saint Laurent both have incredible scents whose names I can't remember. I just experienced YSL the other day and thought I was going to lose my mind. The right cologne on a sexy man is enough to make me ....mmm.... nevermind. lol.

Happy shopping!

"Give Me Free"

I have got to get out of here. I swear another 10,000 people moved into the city yesterday. I could not walk on the sidewalk for the life of me today. All I wanted was to get to Staples in one piece. But I should have known better than to try to walk 7 blocks during lunch hour. I wanted to hit a couple of people in their heads with my bag. I promise you that I was about 5 seconds from doing so. And to the next person that I walk behind who lights up and blows a huge wad of cigarette smoke in my face, I am going to put my stilletto heel right in the middle of their back. And what? It was just pure insanity out there today. There were police all over the place, ambulances trying to squeeze by huge 18 wheelers, and a stadium load of dark suits coming out of a conference at Radio City all at once... sigh... Please get me out of here.

I told my manager that I'm not coming in tomorrow. I have exceeded my limit and I need a break. I HAVE to get out of the city or I will scream. Wednesday is mental health day for j.a.c. I think I might go where there are lawns, trees, houses and fresh air. Give me the Metro North, NJ Transit or LIRR. Just get me out so I can breathe again.

Another Chapter Ends

I just finished another journal. I think this one is #7 or so. This journal took me from August 27, 2007 to September 21, 2008. I love it when I close up a chapter of my life. I never go back to read my previous entries until I hit the last page. And even then, I only read the first page or so. The beginning of my first entry reads like this. "As I left my last journal, I was in the cut of the most challenging times of my life. I can still say that I'm in a challenged position but maybe not as dramatic. I'm a little more grounded, a little more at peace." Well, at peace I am. This last year has been full of decisions. Very hard decisions. All of which have turned out very well. All of which have provided me with a great deal of peace. Within the last pages of this journal, I promised myself to have a little more fun. Now that I know who I am and what my purpose is in life, I'm looking forward to being a little more free. I'm looking forward to being a great ball of joy. I promised myself to smile a lot. To take in the beauty of randomness. And to not take for granted the little things. I'm going to do the things that make me happy and truly live life. So raise your glass with me to the next chapter! Cheers!

Weekend/Skyline/Random Happiness

The weekend was pretty okay. I spent some time getting to know an associate and patched up an awkward miscommunication between us two. Bought a desk space heater to prepare for fall and winter in the office. I bumped into a few celebrities (Savion Glover, Ivanka Trump, Keenya from ANTM) in SoHo. I got thrifty by donating two bags of clothes and shoes worth over $400. And last but not least, I helped a really good friend out of a slump and had a good time in the process. Saturday night was sporadic and amazing. There's nothing better than meeting on a random street 1 hour after a text and dashing from bar to bar and finally a dance floor. And it was such a beautiful night. Absolutely perfect weather.

I just took a glance out the window. The city skyline is mesmorizing now that the sun is setting. I take for granted the fact that I have a view of the Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building from my window. The beginnings of another cemented eyesore of a building are sitting fairly close to the window though. As soon as it's done, I'm certain the Empire State Building will be drowned out, which is sad, but hey, this is New York City. What's the city without another 20 story building squeezed into a pee hole of a space?

I'm taking a random day off in the middle of the week. I've been feening for a hiccup in the week since my co-worker left me alone for a entire 5 days to handle the madness alone. The routinue can be a little boring if you don't spice it up once in a while ya know? I'm making a full fledged effort to insert random and spontaneous happiness into my life. So be prepared for blogs of random trips to upstate NY, staycations in hotels right here in the city on a weeknight, a prospective trip to a New England state, skiing in Philadelphia, etc. Gotta love life!

It's Not About Honesty. It's About Choices.

Written by Request

We’ve been together for a little more than a year. What shocks me is that he hasn't changed. From the day I met him until today, he's still a truly divine person. Respectful, compassionate, giving, intelligent, spiritual… What I like most is that he’s a true man's man. He handles everything with dedication and care, including me. His sense of responsibility is refreshing. He always has everything under control and I've never felt more safe. I enjoy his maturity. I would be remiss not to add that he constantly seems to move mountains for me. Doing things I would never expect or ask for. He's truly a dream. But, I don't love him.

I met him about 5 months ago. We should have never had that conversation because that’s when I fell in love. He’s not like the other guys. In fact, I don’t think people actually know him like I do. When we talk, he’s different. The griminess melts away when we’re together. He just comes across wrong. It just takes the right person to reach it. He truly does have a good heart. I try to explain the warmth of his soul, but it really doesn’t matter anymore. No one has to understand it. No one but my man.

So... how do you tell your man that you’re in love with someone else?






If I could forget him I would. Please believe me. I know that I should throw the towel in, but baby it’s not that easy. You treated me so much better than him and if I was sane there would be no competition, but I’m in love with someone else. And I’m so sorry. I’m in love with another man. I know it ain’t right. You should go and find someone else who could treat you right. Give you the world. Someone who understands the man you are because baby you shine so bright and I would just dim your star. A girl who would treat you like you treat them. Boy I know there’s plenty women who would love to have a man like you but I’m in love with someone else. I’m so sorry baby.

In one word, this song is... honest. What I admire about Jazmine Sullivan’s story is that the woman in the lyrics decided to live her truth and take her freedom. At this point, it doesn't matter who the better guy is. Whether he treats her like a queen or a subject is irrelevant. Her heart belonged to someone else and she chose to follow it. Now, it seems like we're always admonished to follow our hearts, but I'm truly not feeling that advice. I’ve learned better. The heart is the most treacherous organ you have. When your heart screams one thing, but your mind says another, the best thing to do is follow your mind. Wisdom rules over emotion anyday. In the case of this story, you can DEFINITELY help who you fall in love with. You choose to spend time getting to know another. You choose to dedicate energy and attention to that person. Yes, attractions are real, however, it is well within a person's power to decide whether they will pursue that attraction or not. You always have a choice. Everyone stands at the fork in the road and has a choice. When Jazmine Sullivan's character decided to stare in the eyes of the "other man", she made her choice. So how do you get to the point where you ask yourself 'how do I tell my man that I'm in love with someone else?' You put yourself there. There's absolutely no one to blame but yourself.

Do you agree?

Ran-dumb Thoughts

This is the 3rd post I've written today.
This is the first I've published.
My other ones were too depressing.
I'm so emotionally stressed.
I've had a headache all freakin day.
The digital team today launched the new Essence.com.
It looks very nice.
I'm proud of them.
They've been here every weekend for a while.
Congratulations to them.
Why did they pop open Patron bottles when they launched?
It was 1 in the afternoon.
lol.
I guess you reward hard work with hard liquor.
Speaking of essence.com, there's a sample of the infidelity survey up.
Check this out.
Pick up the October issue of Essence to read the 9 page story.
It's really deep and quite alarming.
The story of the unfaithful husband sent me reeling.
Thankfully the editors ended the exclusive survey with the story of the faithful husband.
I'm going to see Mary J. in concert for the first time.
I feel like she's one person you should see once.
I heard she was amazing.
On Thursday, I'm going to buy my ticket for Maxwell.
Why am I going alone to these shows?
I need ryde or die JennWill.
She would go with me.
I would have had to drag her to Mary's but she would have been there nonetheless.
I can't wait for Maxwell's new stuff to come out.
Black Summer Night's.
Isn't that what it's called?
Remember Pretty Wings?
Hopefully he'll do that one for me.
Speaking of music, I've been listening to Jazmine Sullivan all day.
This is the first time I've actually paid attention and I really like.
Especially this one.
It's called "Break My Lil Heart".
Typical of me huh?
Don't even want to go there.
I admit it - I'm consumed by fantasy.
I probably dream in the fantasy world about 3 times a day.
This is not good.
Reality is not a fantasy.
But my fantasies aren't all that above and beyond.
They're normal every day things that I just don't have yet.
Nothing extraordinary.
My fantasies can become my reality.
And I will not settle for less.
The problem is that when I'm living one of my fantasies, I hardly notice.
You know what I wrote in my journal this morning?
"It was perfect and I didn't even know it."
I have to stop doing that and make sure to completely digest the moment.
But I do listen way too intently to lyrics.
I sometimes judge life by the goosebumps I get when I watch "special moments" in movies.
I need to take a step back and snap out of it.
But I just want so much more though.
Give me goosebumps dag on it!
This headache isn't going away.
Jazmine Sullivan is scatting in my ear.
Her voice is so rusty.
I love it.
I'm looking forward to Ne-Yo's album tomorrow.
I have to make sure I do get too lost in the lyrics though. =O
You know that man can do something with a pen.
Make me feel like I'm the most important person in the world with them words.
I want to go on a ski trip.
Learning how to snowboard will be fun.
That means I need to buy some ski stuff.
I get an extra check next month.
That's be perfect.
I'll start researching for my ski fashions asap.
That's something fun to do!
I have 8 days of vacation to use up between now and December.
I've already arranged all of my holiday vacations.
I might just take little days here and there.
It would be nice to go somewhere.
To put myself up in a spa for a 3 day weekend.
Oooh, that's something else to research!
I'm getting excited now.
New things always turn me on.
Too bad this headache is still here.
Check this story out on how to avoid cheating.
JennWill sent it as a response to my check-out-Essence-this-month email.
I'm leaving promptly at 5 today.
I need to do laundry.
I was SO lazy yesterday.
I laid on the couch and watch the entire Season 1 of "The Wire" on DVD.
That's what you gotta do when you didn't have HBO.
"The Wire" is extremely gritty.
I had no idea.
Good tv though.
My shows come on tonight.
I need DVR.
I can't wait to move so I can get one in my room.
Do you know that I'll be at the MJB concert during "The Game" premiere?
How will I know what happens between Melanie and Derwin?
Not having a DVR is a travesty.
Oh, there's a champagne toast at 5pm to congratulate the Essence.com team.
Guess I won't be leaving at 5pm.
I'll get some bubbly and then split.
Sound cool?
Cool!
Nite!

I NEED This Weekend

This was the longest week ever and it's still not over. I've been waking up dead tired having to yank myself out of bed. Forget that I'm sleep before 10pm. Waking up has been really hard this week. My body is so exhausted. This weekend I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, except for the movies. After work today, I'm heading straight to the theatre to enjoy some me time. I'm trying to decided if I'm going to see "The Family That Preys" or "The Woman" tonight. I'm also interested in seeing "Righteous Kill" with Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. I love those two together. I might see two movies tonight. I never did pick up the novel that I said I was going to get. I have a library of African-American literature in my desk that I haven't touched, but I'm interested in reading a period piece by Philippa Gregory. I read her book, The Boleyn Girl, in no time. It was so tasty. I would order a book from Amazon, being that Barnes&Nobles charges an insane $15 for a book, but I don't want to wait. I need a book like right now. I'm looking forward to a 2 day break. I know you are too. Enjoy it ladies and gentleman.

Last Night's Dinner Discussion

SW said that I appeared distant yesterday. Did I? Maybe a little in the beginning. But I got with the program. I did my best to include myself in the association. There were a lot of discussions going on, one of them being politics. Being that I take a neutral stance, I couldn't really get too involved with that. I hate discussing politics anyway. I'm glad they didn't 'go into it' like I thought they were. We talked about relationships too, which was inevitable. The more I hear or talk about them, the more I realized how straight to the point I am about them. There is no room for the b.s. You're either my future husband or an associate. That's it. I'm not playing any games. No "we're just friends" or "we're chillin together" crap. It's in or out. And most times, it's get the heck out. You see, I don't want my heart broken again. Yes, it may come with the territory, but I'm going to avoid situations where I'm broken hearted because I was stupid. I am a no tolerance woman right about now. Absolutely no tolerance. One of the guys at dinner told the story of his roommates courtship with his current fiance'. His roommate and fiance' have known each other for a total of 7 months and been together for 6. Let me rephrase. He's been "gettin it" for 7 months and they've been official for 6 months. She's 22 years old and he just turned 28 or 29. Call me crazy but, something about that is clearly off. Did I mention that she had the wedding planned in 3 days? Umm... Well. Let me tell you this. Relationships take extremely hard work. Those two love birds don't even KNOW the meaning of hard work. They don't know the meaning of sacrifice and tears. To be hurt by the person you love the most is no joke. If they really want to get married, I suggest they go through their first few fights. You judge the longevity of a relationship on how you work through problems, not how you do when things are peachy. Those two are in a for a rude awakening. 22 years old baby girl? Oh heck no.

"Groove With You" by the Isley Brothers is on right now. I love this song. Speaking of grooving with you, a couple of people disagreed with me that men and women can't be platonic friends. I think I need to clarify my statement. It's impossible to be good platonic friends with a man who was initially interested in dating you. And to become a true friend, you probably would need to spend time with this person. Maybe talk on the phone, hang out together, etc. Well if a man told me he was interested in me and then wanted settled for second best - platonic friends - I don't think I would be skipping down the city streets all happy like with this man who clearly wants more. Who are we kidding and why are we playing with emotions here? The man wants me! And if I don't feel the same way, it's best to leave the man alone. Any man who's expressed interest in me will be kept at a safe distance. I want to be emotional available for the man who walks in my life who I deem as potential husband material. What sense would it make for me to play the game with some man I don't even want? Like I said before, no tolerance. Lol.

Work's calling my name. Have a blessed day everyone. Until next time...

To The Communications Class

An associate of mine just asked for the link to my blog to use as an example in his communications class. LOL.

I'm laughing because if they're actually going to read it, they're going to think I'm crazy. Look at the topics to what's currently on this page. Husbands. Weddings. Wives. A recent male/female interaction. Man! Even though my blog is open to the public, I really only expect people who know me to read this. People who understand my current dealings. To the naked eye, I could sound a little... I don't know. What DO I sound like? But I guess it's me. We talked about this already right? Being true and posting exactly what I feel in my heart... What's the point if I'm not honest. This is the perfect venue to communicate my heart's desires. What would I do without it?

I do know one thing though. I need more topics. As I told Belle, the best way to get new ideas is to read. Novels, essays, textbooks, news stories... whatever. Just read. I've been craving a novel recently, so I'll be earnest about picking up a new book tomorrow.

Hope everyone's week is going well.

When?

I was on the plaza doing my WT and studying for next week's Bible study when I looked up and saw a woman dressed in all white with a lace veil blowing in the wind. Aww shoot. She's taking her wedding photographs. After completing my studies, I spotted the white balloons and out of curiousity tiptoed over, even though I knew I might cry or get sick to my stomach. I stook there for a few moments with my Bible in my right hand while both groom and bride said their I do's. Right on cue, my eyes started to burn. I realized I was only torturing myself and immediately turned on my heels to walk away. When will I be okay?

"Watch What You Ask For"

He said that my skin is so smooth. I asked him if he knew many females who had sandpaper skin. There are a lot of us delicate skinned ladies out there. He told me not to try to convince him that I'm the same as all the others. It just wasn't going to work. There's only one j. I disagreed. As a matter of fact, there are lots. I'm friends with all of them on facebook. He looked at me dead in the face and paused. There's no one like you. Absolutely no one with the same spirit. I didn't have a response for that. It was sweet but I don't know how much longer I can do this. Can't he see that I don't want to be different in his eyes. Put me in a category with everyone else. Just pals. Old buddies. Shoot the breeze with me. Don't stand in the breeze with me. I'm not interested in falling. I will not make the same mistake twice.

Beware! Gossip Kills!

The all time entertaining show "Gossip Girl" (GG) reminds of my high school days. It's amazing how similar my school was to Constance Billiard and St. Jude's School for Boys. On 90 acres of land, my school, which boasts the Kennedy's as prior students, had it all. Squash courts, nature trails, a state of the art performing arts center, a tundra, top lacrosse and field hockey teams, preppy uniforms, elite cliques, kids with BMWs and nanny's to tote, drugs inside and out of school, spouts of mono from all the teenage tongue sharing, including whispers over our morning break muffins/poppysead bagels/croissants of who gave the worst or best head. We even had a Dan too, who was in a relationship with Brady for most of our high shool days until one day senior year when he dumped her. Imagine the gossip that spread through the hallways that week day. I can't begin to conjure up what life was like for Brady when she walked into school that morning. My high school was viscious.

Gossip seems to crawl in every corner of my life lately. Oddly enough, this inundation with it is kinda making me feel uncomfortable. I'm not a fan of gossip. I've seen what it can do to people and therefore, remained as far away from it as possible during my high school days (as hard as that was). Not all gossip is bad however. Gossip can simply be an exchange of useful information like my next door neighbor is moving out of town or Beyonce is in the studio working on her next album. Gossip is idle talk. Invariably, though, it focuses, not on things, but on the foibles, failures, triumphs, and misfortunes of people. The line between harmless and harmful gossip can be treacherously thin. The statement, ‘Beyonce is in the studio,’ can easily be followed with, ‘But she's probably going to spend a total of 2 hours cutting 15 wack songs like she did last time?’ I think that people love dishing details of another person's life that others don't seem to know because it makes them feel important. The problem with that is those "details" are usually quite unflattering.

Even though I read them, blogs (including the fictional one on GG which continually ruins people's lifes) sometimes make me feel bad for the people who are continuously smashed and ripped apart. Their characters, clothes, and actions are so severly scrutinized that they can't even live let alone step out in public. Gossip can cause such irreparable damage to the name and reputation of another person. Most people don't think about this but gossip can also backfire and damage the gossiper. Instead of winning listening ears, gossip can breed distrust. Speaking for myself only, I rarely believe people who gossip all the time (eh hem YBF and Bossip).

Considering how hard it is to keep it classy, I have to say kudos to the Concrete Loop, Brown Sista, and other media outlets alike. Much respect...

Teenage Drama/Football

I have a secret and I'm not going to tell. *giggle* Sometimes I like reverting back to elementary school tactics. It reminds me of my youth. You gotta keep it fun, right? Fresh and sexy even. Well right now, I'm having a WHOLE bunch of fun. I've been on the phone most nights past midnight, acting like a straight teenage school girl. I'm tired as I don't know what, but that's not the point. I'm having a pure, back-in-the-day ball; living a high schooler's dream. Maybe that's why I'm finding "Gossip Girl" so fascinating (although I relate more to "One Tree Hill"). I've always been transfixed to the television during "Dawson's Creek", "90210", "Gilmore Girls" and shows alike, wishing I had as much heart wrenching drama in my own life. Well I'm living it. Maybe not the sobbing, depressing drama, but the boys and the girls, the parties, the happenings, the oh-no-he-didn't's, the climatic endings, the tense moments, the hints, the life-altering decisions... I'm definitely living in a t.v. show.

I printed out my football season schedule. I'm excited. Hopefully I'll be able to find some cool spots here in NY to watch the games. A lounge with chicken wings, large tvs and lots of cool people. I had a plethora of spots to choose from back in LA. I need to get my stock up here. No one in the house really likes or watches football like me so I have to get out on occasion. Oh but wait. Isn't it going to be cold here? September 4th through December 28th. I may have September and October to play with. I need a dude's house to chill at. Too bad I don't know any. I need JenWill. That's who I really need.

Good Morning/My Husband

This new John Legend song, which I love, reminds me of a little something I wrote back in '07 called "My Husband". Enjoy.

I laid there still on his bare chest feeling myself rise and lower with his breath. There I listened to his hypnotic heart beat. Words can't explain how it feels to have this reliable, chocolate complexioned man run his fingers through my un-permed hair. His fingertips soothe me as they caress my scalp. I smile because I know that this is his way of telling me how much he loves me.

When we lay at opposite ends of the bed on casual occasions; you know, in a head to foot sort of way, he likes to cuddle up and wrap his dark muscular arms around my ankles and feet. He pulls them close as if he was squeezing up against a teddy bear. It's not until later that he tells me it's to make sure that he can feel my presence, for him to know that I'm always there.

There's nothing like waking up to the feel of mature hands moving across my cocoa-colored shoulder blades and down my back. His hands swirl at the small of my back where the sheets begin to cover the rest of my body. As he leans over me, it is not his kisses that I focus on, but the trace of his cool chain moving down my spine. Heat generates out of his palms which are placed lightly on my sides.

Half asleep, I feel his eyes admiring my face, watching me lay. He secretly displays his love by tracing my lips, brushing my eyelashes, feeling the contours of my face with his fingers. I feel beautiful and like a goddess when he does this, forgetting any flaws that I may or may not have. He slowly moves closer to delicately press his soft lips against mine but I pretend to be asleep in hopes that he'll watch me forever.

I begin to look at my cinnamon-cocoa complexion through his eyes and see something I had never seen before. I see peace and a calming beauty I never thought I could possess. Looking into my own dark eyes, I see a reflexion, an image of myself that no longer has a reason to feel afraid or alone. There's a method to his manliness that obsesses me. A healthy obsession that connects our souls together. In him I see our happiest memories and picture our unknown future. Desires and passions run through him like never before when he watches me, needs me, wants me. He identifies me as his better half as I do him. We are one and fuse together to create human symbols of our love – children.

I have yet to meet you but I see you on my blank page before I write. I long for the day when you whisper 'hey you' and we know. Your responsibility and honesty turn me on. Your dedication drives me to desire to be the best wife I can be. To take care of your every need. To be the support that you will never lack. A mature, God-fearing husband is what you will be. Until I meet you, I choose to travel alone and continuously dream of visions of my soul mate, my best friend, my husband.