Good Question Kepa

Kepa,

Hmm. What does it take to impress me? That's a good question. (You always ask such good questions!) I'm assuming the "impress" stage comes after you already know someone. The initial attraction and all the reasons that drew you to the person in the first place have most likely already been realized. I feel like you have to know a person for a second in order to be impressed. But I'll start with what attracts me and then go into what impresses me.

Attract
- calm, peaceful, laid back attitude - that probably draws me in faster than any other trait
- humble
- down to earth
- strong presence - a man who's quiet in his demeanor but still draws eyes is the sexiest!
- warm to others
- personable - can have a full fledged conversation with ANYONE
- smart
- secure in himself


Impress
- good use of vocabulary - ha!
- perserveres through trials
- hard-working
- healthy love and acceptance of himself
- looks you in the eye
- CHIVALRY
- leadership skills
- responsible
- great outlook on life
- doesn't complain
- attentive/listens and then acts
- a thinker
- carries on good conversation
- stays clear of drama
- concern for others
- has a vision for his life/goals
- has a talent/passion
- And the thing that would put the cherry on the top is if he has ALL that AND is spiritual!! Oh My Goodness!!! lol.

Now I do admit that's a lot. Of course, no one person is going to have EVERYTHING you've ever wanted. But I think that some traits will come with others. The thing that's important to remember is that there are traits that are more important than others when it comes to having a stable marriage, family, and future together. I was once told that when you are dating a person in order to see whether or not you prefer to continue on to courtship, you have to try to determine if you can accept what he does have and deal with the things that he doesn't. For example, a man that doesn't have a talent is perfectly ok, but I cannot deal with a man who doesn't have a relationship with Jehovah. Looking at my list though, I'm trying to see if I could narrow it down, and I do have to say that it's extremely hard. I guess I could get rid of the good use of vocab trait, attentive/listens then acts trait, and the talent trait like I said before. I feel like those may be things that we could figure out or cultivate together. Ya know? Being in a relationship that makes you a better person is a fabulous thing. But anyway, I hope that answers your question Kepa. =)

J

Random Thoughts All Day Long!

Ok. Bad Boy 2 is on! I LOVE this movie!!!! No other movie has ever made me laugh as much as this one. Martin and Will are hilarious together. Especially Martin. They Have to do a Bad Boy 3.
Yo. My desk is dirty. I definitely need to do a little mr. clean cleanie clean up in this place.
I'm so full. Chipotle is the best!
Flats, stiletto heels, or wedges? I have entirely TOO many pairs of stilettos. I'm so addicted! If I haven't had a new pair of stilettos at least once a month, I go through withdrawls. Come on now J. Get yourself under control.
"I want my MPG!" That commercial always gets stuck in my head. It's so true though. Somebody needs to CHECK these gasoline prices. Someone done lost their ever-loving mind!
Oooh Will! You better get out of there!! LOL. Martin is so stupid! "Just another day with Mike Lowry."
My rent just increased $50. I swear this world is trying to wring out every cent of a cent that I own. What is going on?
Oooooo Will is so fine in this movie! Did you see when he walked out and pulled his jacket lined with the pink material up over his shoulders!?! Oh sookie sookie now. I don't know about the pink lining, but still that man is dangerous!!!!
Excuse me for a sec. I need to get my jello.
mmmm. so fruity. =)
It's funny how put together i am during the week and then how
I like Jay-Z in this new HP notebook commercial. That man is so fly. He's just as cool as he wanna be. Diddy or Hov? Who's the most fly?
Miami seems to keep popping up all over the place. This movie takes place in Miami. Diddy's love him some Miami. Did you know Diddy is the executive producer of this movie too? I can't wait to go see what all the hoopla is about. Miami December '06 baby!
That's so nasty. Cadavers being thrown all out the back of the van like that. Ill man... Can you imagine having a cadaver in a plastic bag roll under your tires and or one fall on your windsheild? I think I'd just about lose my mind. They say don't panic right. Yeah well...Shoo...I might manage to pull over and not kill myself, but do you know how messed up I would be?
"This has to be the most worst, most emotional cop week of my life." Lol. Oh Martin.
Is my A/C on? Man!
You know what I wish I had right now? Some funnel cake! I haven't had funnel cake since forever! I wonder if IHop's funnel cakes taste like the amusement park's funnel cakes.
You remember Great Adventure?! I remember when we used to go there to see Raw Image, RE and other go-go bands perform. Aww. Memories. Now I have the sudden urge to hear "Water Dance". Aww DC!
Oh this part is funny! It's at the part when Reggie comes to pick up Martin's daughter. This joint is Hilarious!!! "You ever made love to a man?" So stupid!!!
Upp! My phone's ringing. Gotta go!

Yeah, this blog was pointless. But if you didn't like it, you shouldn't have read it!!! Ha!

1/2 the equation

i haven't had a crush since high school. it's been quite a while since i've had those little butterflies floating around in my stomach to the point where i can't breath. well that feeling is back. i don't think much will come of this crush for more reason than one, but it's nice to feel awkward and nervous again. ya know? =) it makes me feel young and girlie, giddie and cute, sexy and nervous... i love it! i don't get giddie over men and it usually takes a lot to impress me so i'm glad that i know someone who does that to me. just for the sake of the feeling... that little knot in my stomach... i just pray that i'll feel this way when i meet the one. it seems like you always have to settle for 1/2 of the equation. you know...someone who you have chemistry with but who also turns out to be a heathen... or someone who's responsible and spiritual but you have no fun with. doesn't that just suck! dah well!!!!

Sisters and Friends

My family of sisters are going to be having a breakfast together in DC tomorrow and I won't be there. =( My blood sister asked me to write a letter to open up the breakfast though, so at least I'll be there in spirit. While doing so I just realized how much I love my sister. We used to fight like crazy. She threw and apple at my stomach, I burned her with an iron, she burned me back, I slapped her in the face...yeah all of that. But guess what? After all that, she's basically my best friend now. She's so intelligent, proactive, opinionated, and fun. And I so respect her. I never thought as a little girl that I'd look up to my little sister, but it's good to know that we feel the same way about each other. I look up to her and she looks up to me. My sister and I are partners in crime. It's pretty cool to have the relationship that I do with her. I love you Pooh!

Sigh... =(

Ever feel like everything in your life is so up in the air that you're beginning to lose oxygen? Like the hard earth is 1,000 miles below you and all you long for is to touch it with your pinky toe? Yeah, well that's how I feel. I have no permanence and if it wasn't for the fact that I know my purpose is to minister to others, I wouldn't have a point either. (Thank Jehovah for supplying me with a purpose. Things would be pretty unbearable right now with that.)

So I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life in the next few months. I feel like everything's so up in the air and I don't know what the right decisions are. I do know that I want to leave CA and come back east. I do know that I want to continue building my relationship with Jehovah without distractions. I also know that I want to feel at least a little more permanent with my next move. Living here is so pointless because I know that this is not where I'm meant to end up. It's so temporary that I don't even listen to people here anymore. When people talk, it's like, what's the point? I'm not going to know you in 4 months so why are you talking to me? I'm tired of feeling like that. I'm tired of feeling like there's no point. So I could either move back to DC or go to Atlanta, I guess. I'm seriously nervous about both. I'm nervous about Atlanta for the simple fact that I have to start all over. What if I don't like it down there? I'm used to being around different types of people and I honestly think that I'll get tired of SOO many black people. I know I'll miss the diversity and being around people who think differently than "us". I've never been around only black people and I don't think I'll feel comfortable in that situation because of what I've been exposed to. To be honest, I really can't take close-minded, ghetto, ignorant black people. That sounds bad but hey... It's how I feel. I admit it! I'm bourgeois! So what if i get to ATL and find that that's all there is? And then coming home... yeah... there are too many cons there. Of course I wouldn't come home home but I really love my independence and being away from people. I like sitting in my apartment by myself and going to movies and driving into town alone. Yeah I love my sisters and I like to hang, but on a very minimal level. Believe it or not, I'm a loner. I also feel like coming home would distract me and take me away from what I need to do. There are too many guys around that I've known or currently know. I like very much being out of reach. And then there's my desire to buy a house. I can't do that in DC, but I can very much do that in ATL. DC would be a very good challenge for me though. I've learned so much about myself here and if I've grown as much as I think I have, I should be able to be J anywhere. If my faith is that strong in God, it should carry with me wherever I go. I can't not live in a state because of particular person or set of people. I can't run away. So I don't know. Wherever I go, I want to make it a place where I can buy a house and possibly have a family. If I do come to DC and meet someone, that person needs to be someone who likes to move. I definitely don't want to meet anyone who LOVES DC to the point where thinks there's nothing better. Well... I don't know. Maybe I'm putting too much on it. Boo... Oh and my lease needs to either be signed for another 6 month lease for $875 ($50 higher than what I'm paying now) or a month to month lease at $925 by July 30th. I'm not sure which one to sign it for which is why this is so stressful. Oh man oh man...

So You Think You Can Dance

AHHH!!!! I love this show!! I am a dance fiend and every time I watch the show I get more and more ill. My heart is beating so fast right now. Phew!

Ok. I'm going to record my reactions after each dance. (Warning: You might not find the rest of this blog necessary. I'm entering the dance realm which may cause me to lose some people. Ah well!)

Donyelle's solo. It was ok. There was no choreography to it. I needed to see something planned. It was very improvised and basically a bump and grind dance. Her energy was incredible though.

Martha and Ivan did their duo. Eh. No comment.

Ok. Now Heidi and Ryan. So sick! That mardador routinue was so intense. I love the paso doble when it's done right and these two definitely did it right. Ryan actually became the bull and Heidi personified his cape better than I've ever seen a dancer become a cape. Absolutely wonderful.

Mia Michaels is one of the most respected choreographers there is in the dance world. I've been choreographed before by her and it's very challenging to understand the things that come out of her mind. Mia makes you WORK and that was clear in the routinue that Allison and Ryan did. They had a lot to tackle but I think they did well.

Martha's solo. What in the world!!?? Absolutely horrible. .

Now I like Ivan. His solo was cool, but it's not the best I've seen from him.

Donyelle and D are doing the lindy hop. Let's see. Ok. Ok. They done good yall. Donyelle did a really good job. She got that lindy hop down. What I like about her is that she can do everything that's thrown at her. She always looks like she's studied whatever particular dance they've given her for years. That's truly what being a good dancer is all about. Not mastering, but being good at ALL styles. Of course you have to master your special skill though. Unfortunately I didn't think she did that in her solo. She's good at all, but not GREAT in one.

Natalie and Benji - jazz dancing. Oh my goodness!!!!! Benji Benji Benji!!!!!!!!!! His extension! I didn't know the boy had an extension like that!! He was great!

Heidi's solo was well... She's a very talented ballroom dancer but she's sometimes a bit too wild. She's like a firecracker that needs to be tamed. The judge said something good. It was a smart solo and I agree. She used her space which is always a huge challenge for a dancer.

Smooth Waltz for Ivan and Martha. It was definitely forgettable. Moving on.

Travis's solo. Now this boy is a turner. His pull up and sense of center are amazing. And when he dances, you can see that he loves it. Good job Travis.

Allison and Ryan's second routine in the wonderful style of BROADWAY. Good ole' Liza Minelli with Bye Bye Blackbird. It wasn't a good interpretation of Fosse. Bob Fosee is a very specialized technique and while it looks easy, it's VERY VERY hard. I remember our dance All That Jazz and while there was no technique in it, pin-pointing that style was extremely frustrating. Again, I don't think they hit it.

Natalie's solo. It was very pretty. So lyrical and passionate. So pretty. So Natalie. Thank you for dancing from your heart.

Good Job Benji!!! He's really opening my eyes! That boy's pretty good!!!! To be a swing dancer and be able to execute a solo like that! Boy!

Second duo for Donyelle and D. Samba. Whoa! That last pose. That was the bizness. It made me scream! Ok. They messed up the footwork in a couple of places but Donyelle covers it up well. She dances with her expressions so you can't get past her face in order to watch her footwork or count the number of turns that she's actually supposed to do.

Heidi and Ryan's second. Contemporary it is with Mia Michaels again. Can't wait to see it. Heidi's crying in the video intro. Mia will make you do that. She's so HARD! ......... I can't breathe. Why am I crying? That was the most beautiful think I have ever seen. I die for moments when the fingertips of dance brush my heart.

Allison disappointed me. She's so incredible that I expected 100 times more. I'm your biggest fan Allison. Please don't let me down.

Benji and Natalie doing hip hop. I don’t know about that. We’ll see…Just as I expected. It’s really hard for two very not raw dancers to get raw. It was all steps. lol. The judges keep saying it wasn’t ghetto enough. I’m not sure if I like that. Hip hop does not equal ghetto. It’s a culture that obviously they just don’t get.

If this boy Ryan don’t put a lid on all this technique… man. He’s great at what he does but he needs more. It’s all technique and no style. Arabesque here. Battement there. Developpe over there. Too much showing off Ryan.

Ok. So that’s it. All in all, I’m not voting for anyone tonight. No one individual dancer blew me away so… That’s it folks.

DANCE!

HAM Award of the MONTH!!

you have GOT to hear this mess!! click on the last song in this blog. it's called "Industry Chick" by Daron. this must be comedy.

http://www.honorablemedia.com/blog/mp3s/163

Music = Good Mood

yeah Yeah YEAH BABY!!! I'm in a good mood today AND I'm at work... That's what's up. I just watched Joe's new video "Where You At" and.... I know I know, why am I watching videos at work? CUZ I CAN DO THAT!! SO MIND YOUR BUSINESS!! (well not really but so what) Cassies's Me & U video is on right now. If I were to make a video, that's exactly how I would make it. Just me and a dance studio. So perfect. So simple. Oh yeah, but back to Joe. I really like him ya'll. I have all his CDs and I will continue to support him. There's just something mature about him that I love. He's one of the few older R&B men out there that keep my attention without all the glitter, glam and huge dance productions that these young ones have now-a-days. I wonder when his new one will drop. His music SO caters to me. You know who's CD I can't wait for? The Making The Band chicks. I really want to hear what that's all about. The track they just laid on last week's episode was nice. I will definitely support them just based off of the fact that they've been through so much. Of course, EVERY artist out there has been so much, but Diddy knew what he was doing when he made it into a show. He wants us to FEEL the pain. And I do, so... Good job Diddy. Ok now...I just happened to pop up on JT's new song "Sexy Back". Of course it's sick...with your sexy self...do it boy! Dag on real! Bring that Sexy Back JT! FUTURESEX/LOVESOUNDS ...hmm... I wonder about that album title. September 12th though! I'm on it. His and Be's. I'm going to be in music heaven for about 4 weeks learning every hook, verse, beat, pulse, and rhythm.

Oh music. How do I love thee.

Moses Jackson

oh my... oh my... oh my! i have goosebumps running ALL up and down my body. there are no more words to express how I feel because I am sincerely overwhelmed with that passion that you feel when you become lost in the notes, melodies, beats, chimes, cadences, rumbles... of music. you know what i'm talking about. when you step into that music box, when you step inside the pounding speaker and see the notes flying by you. you feel everything but feel lost at the same time...i'm so inside of the energy and the colors of this song... oh my sweet "Bebel". and "Math Rough Copy" too! shoo! both of these baby's are EVERYTHING. turn it up, TURN IT UP!

if i made music, this is what i'd make.

excuse me Mr. Moses Jackson. who are you?! can i step into your world?

Honorable Media

gotta check this out

http://www.honorablemedia.com/blog/

India Arie

I don't really know if I bought India's CD because I really wanted it or because I felt like it was wrong not to get it. I feel like everyone's supposed to like India Arie because she's so different. "India's so natural!" "She's not a conformist." "She's true to herself unlike other artists." "She's deep." "She's so refreshing." Yeah well look. No disrespect to India but I'm kinda turned off by earnest expressions of self-righteousness and uniqueness. If you're different, don't tell us you're different. If you're not like all the other video girls, don't speak the fact that you're not. Just be like the Goapele's, Dwele's and J'Davey's. We'll see it for ourselves if it shines through. I know that she's big about her hair. Yes we know that you are not your hair, but India I hope you're not putting your hair in little doo doo balls, shaving your head, and wearing bushes just to prove a point. I don't know...Does anyone else feel like she's trying too hard? I'm not saying that I don't appreciate her music. Her songs are very motivational. I'm sure that I'll marry that one song on her CD that gives me goosebumps as soon as I take a thorough listen. But India, be cool darling. Just be cool.

Grumpy.

I'm so grumpy today! I know it's not right to put out bad energy like this, but I need to write to figure out why I'm feeling this way. So if you need to skip this particular post, please do so. I definitely don't want to dampen anyone else's day.

What is wrong J? I felt the exact same way last night when I was trying to complete my homework. There I was reading my professor's lecture notes for Latin American Comparitive Literature, and I remember making a scowling expression at the computer screen and thinking, "What in the world are you TALKING about!!?" His lecture made no sense! You know how english or literature professors can go off the deep end talking about fantasy vs. reality and the modernity of civilization and the 'nature of being' or whatever it is that they conjure up in their distorted little minds, and relate it to a story about a salamander! Oh please, SHUTUP! Ok, J. Stop. Stop being mean. That's not right. Just because you're having a bad day doesn't make it ok to trash someone else. Positive energy...positive energy...positive energy. Ok... I think I'm in a new place.

Have you ever woke up in the morning and felt extremely heavy because you have to go into work? Well I haven't felt that in years. Actually, I haven't felt that since high school when I worked at this incredibly heinous law firm. Maybe that's too strong of a word to use but I don't feel like thinking about a better word. Anyway, I remember how hard it was to start the processes of getting up - to get one leg to go over the edge of the bed. I hated that feeling. So much so that I told myself that as long as I'm working for someone else, it MUST be for something that I believe in and support. Well, I'm starting to feel that heavy weight again. And it just hit me this morning. I don't believe in my job. Ever since I rotated into my new department, I've felt like a slave. I'm anxious all the time, I'm stressing out during month-ends when processing occurs, and my manager gets on my nerves. It's definitely time to make some moves, don't you think? East coast, here I come.

My mom called me this morning and after telling her how miserable I was today, she laughed with me, empathized and then proceeded to tell me how truly miserable one of my little sisters is at this very moment. B put her baby down, walked away, heard a noise, and runs back in the room to see her baby shaking with his eyes rolled back into his head. The baby had a seizure. B is at the hospital right now finding out all sorts of horrible things while watching doctors and nurses prick, prod, and pull at her tiny son. The baby has a tumor in his brain.

....I think I'm going to cry.

Today's Message

I just had a rather encouraging and informative lesson today. For most people who know anything about God, it would be common knowledge to know that Jehovah knows and sees all, including what will happen in the future. When I first encountered that concept as a little child, I marinated on the idea, pondered a little bit, but came up with a LOT of questions. I remember asking, "If God can see what will happen in the future, why does he let bad things happen to people? If he knows that a person who drinks and drives will cause a major fatal accident, why didn't he help to avoid the situation." I can't really remember if my questions were answered, but today's lesson definitely cleared any misconceptions that I might have had as a little girl.

Jehovah God is a loving God. His four cardinal qualities (love, wisdom, justice and power) tells us that although He has unlimted power, He never acts unjustly. Because He loves us, He provides us with everything that we need to make decisions for ourselves. Take Adam for example. In the Garden of Eden, God endowed Adam with the ability to think, to reason on a matter, and to reach a conclusion. What Adam chose to do with his endowments was up to him. The same goes for us today. Jehovah gives us the ability to make choices and understand the consequences that our actions might have. We know that God would not look into our futures and see that our drinking and driving will cause a death, and wait for it to happen. Jehovah is not a cruel God. In fact, He only gives us the good things in life. (Matthew 7:11) Jehovah's exercise of foreknowledge is selective as He gives US the ability to determine our own paths. For real, Jehovah could rule our lives and not give us any choice as to how we want to live, BUT He doesn't do that because He loves us. Jehovah gives us a command to seek His kingdom and all His righteousness so that all things will be added to us (Matthew 6:33). If we seek the things of Jehovah, He promises that we'll have the things that we need including wisdom, discernment and knowledge.

It's so wonderful that God gives us the privilige of learning about Him through His provisions. The Bible and those brothers and sisters with Bible-trained consciences are a direct gift from God. Thank You Jehovah!

In My Childhood

So you know how there are certain things that you remember from childhood that stick with you? I just went home recently to visit the family and had the opportunity to conjure up all sorts of old memories. Some were stupid, some were random, and many of them were very profound. Here are a couple I would like to share....

Man, my dad near tried to KILL me and my little sister when we were little. My dad basically treated us like boys so whenever we did anything physically challenging, he never took a minute to ask us if we were ok... Being the daughters of a physically fit fireman didn't help. It was around the time that my little sister had just gotten her training wheels off. The three of us took a little bicycle ride in the neighborhood to bond or something. So we're riding and riding. It was a fun, little, pleasant ride down the paved, suburban sidewalk. Ya know? Perfect for sheltered, little girls with bows and barrettes in their hair. So, soon we come to the end of the neighborhood that leads out onto highway 202. And you think that this is normally where a father with two small children would turn around. But noooooooooo. For some insane reason, this man kept going! Mind you, my sister and I didn't really ride in the street as it was, so riding past that "Ramblewood" sign at the end of the community was quite a new and shocking experience. As big as the lumps were in our throats, we definitely had no energy to yell, "Daddy, I'm Scared!" So we're in this little, single-file line with my dad in front, me in the middle and my poor, little, young sister bringing up the rear with cars whizzing past us. Did I mention that we're riding down the highway ya'll!!! Me and my sister's little hearts are beating so fast that they were nearly popping out our chests; and the man doesn't even look back! But it gets worse! Somehow, we end up crossing he freakin highway and riding down the most narrow, back road that ever existed in Prince George's County. People take this road a lot though because it's a short cut. So to say that there were a lot of cars out that day was an understatement. (Or maybe it just felt that way because I thought I was going to die!) You have NO IDEA how frightened and speechless me and my sister were at that point. Cars were nearly missing us on this near TRAILWAY, and again my dad never looked back!!!! How could your youngest JUST get her training wheels taken off and YOU aren't concerned?! I mean, COME ON!!! I don't know how my sister and I got through that, but I must reiterate that that was the most terrifying experience in my LIFE! Come on now dad!!! For the umpteenth time, We're Not Boys!!! I don't know where my dad's head was that day. Lol. Oh, he was so oblivious! Lol. Why did he just tell us last week that he had no idea we felt like that?!! Lol. I love my father!

I wasn't allowed to watch "In Living Color", "The Simpsons", "Martin", rated-R movies (which all turned out to be our current classics such as Boyz In the Hood, Jungle Fever, Poetic Justice, House Party, etc.), and many other "inappropriate" shows. I wasn't until much later that I understood why, but as a child, it was the worse thing that my parents could have done to me. Do you know how hard it is going to school and listening to everyone talk about last night's hilarious episode and have NO IDEA what they were talking about!?? No wonder all the kids thought I was slow! Oh man, it sucked. Well I didn't like that feeling, so sneaking to watch through the crack of my parents bedroom door was the next option right?! Wrong!!! Getting yelled at by dad, or getting that mean eye from mom (ya'll know what I'm talking about - the look that just cuts you to your heart) was definitely NOT worth it. Needless to say, I just kindly disappeared when kids started to talk about tv shows and movies. I guess I just learned how to deal with the hand I was dealt... =/

Since my sister is dark-skinned and I'm light, my mother had to sit us down at a very young age to erase or prevent any stigmatisms that we may have towards race, towards each other, and basically to teach us about what the world thinks of our skin colors. After she shocked the mess out of my sister by explaining to her the whole ordeal around why people will not see her as beautiful due to her dark skin, my mother proceeds to shock the mess out of me and tell me that I'm just going to be seen as light-skinned and dumb. "Yep, you're the stupid one," she said. Geez mother! Can we please be 6 and 10 years old before you say something like that to my sister and I?! Dag!! In retrospect, I'm so grateful that we discussed skin issues in my house. That discussion and the many ones after that protected us from a lot of the crap that the world has to offer. My sister developed a beautiful confidence and presence that transcended her age, and I vowed to never be stupid and studied my butt off to eventually attend and Ivy League university. Thank you mother.

My mother really did think I was slow as a little girl. Maybe I was. I don't know. Could it have been all the sheltering that she and my father did? (Actually, I wouldn't change any of that for the world. It definitely made me who I am today.) But in any case, check this out. My mother...that great mother of mine...swore UP AND DOWN that I had no inference skills! (inference: the act of reasoning from factual knowledge or evidence.) I know I did some dumb things but come on. I wasn’t that slow. But look at this though. Why did the woman go to the bookstore and come home with workbooks on inference! Workbooks ya'll. Like for real, children’s, exercise workbooks! Oh my goodness!!! I was so offended!!! So offended in fact that I refused to do them. THE NERVE!!! Again, can I please be a teenager before you attack my intelligence!!! lol. She really wanted the best for me though, and that’s why I will love her forever.

Ah man. Memories... I love my family. =)

Be My...

Be my lover darling
I promise I'll give you goosebumps
even let you be yourself
yes, you can be the man
you can even take charge
just as long as you promise to love me
I mean, love me the way God does.

Be my air sweetheart
I promise I'll keep you intrigued
even let you teach me something new
you won't need to second guess
trusting will be as natural as breathing
just as long as you promise to inhale
I mean, without poisoning your lungs that is.

Be my beauty handsome
I promise I'll keep eye contact
even let you demand respect
yes, you can take your time
absolutely be where you want to be
just as long as you don't forget me
I mean, a memory is a gift from God.

Be my peace baby
I promise you'll want to hold my hand
even run away with me for a bit
you can even pray to Jehovah
because blessings are right here
just as long as I can approach Him with you
I mean, if I'm not intruding that is.

By my protector sugar
I promise that I'll still be secure
even be your strength when you need
yes, you can make mistakes
be upset or angry if you want to
just as long as you remember the bright sun
I mean, we're still alive thankfully.

Be my fire honey
I promise you'll never be hungry
even let you decide
you won't need to fight
lose yourself within my warm heart
just as long as I can lose myself too
I mean, and never be found again

Be your love love?
do you promise to always honor?
even be a fool for me?
yes, you won't hold it back?
accept me as permanent family?
just as long as I'm yours only?
I mean, until the end of eternity?

Well, darling, sweetheart, handsome, baby, sugar, honey, love
You are my lover, my air, my beauty, my peace, my protector, my fire, my love
Here and now and forever, I will be whatever you want me to be because...
...I love you.

A Man Who Finds A Wife Finds A Good Thing

So they say, well actually the Bible says that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. A couple of callers were in disagreement yesterday on the radio regarding this very concept. The woman was very adamant to let her peer know that she didn't and doesn't need a man to take care of her. The man disagreed and said that women need to be taken care of because it is the man's job to pursue or find the woman and then provide for her. I didn't think either of them spoke to the essence of that scripture but as far as what they DID say, I was sort of on the fence.

Of course I have the whole independent woman thing going on, but I do agree that it's a man's responsibility to be head of the household and adequately provide for his family. Do I NEED a man? Well no, but God intended for man and woman to be together. If anything, I think more so that a man needs a woman. Lol. I mean, wasn't Adam the one who needed Eve as a helper?! =) Smile brothers!

5 Minutes of Free Association

I have 5 minutes until I'm free.
Free of this place.
This institution called work.
I could be doing something better with my time.
But doesn't everyone say that.
I don't want to be like everyone.
But of course everyone says that as well.
Everyone.
But I'm me.
Coming into my own.
It's been 2 years now that I've had the chance to discover me.
My moods, personalities, alter egos, curves, dips and peaks.
I truly do feel like a country full of terrain, water, valleys and mountains.
There are so many different surfaces that one can explore.
Not everyone can explore though.
There are rules for that.
You have to be pretty special to explore.
Actually you have to be mine to explore.

My free associations are interesting.
Never know what's going to flow from my mind next.
The great thing about it is that it never stops.
The brain of a woman is a powerful tool.
I like that lyric - beautiful because of her intellect as well as her physical.
Who said that?
Maybe Dwele.
I can't remember.
The brain of a woman is a powerful tool, yet I have a hard time remembering things.
I need to work on that.
Memories are precious and shouldn't be tucked into the corner only to forget.
You know how you put something in a special place, only to find out that the place was too special?
You can't remember where you put it!
Wow, that's off the subject.
But there is no subject.
This is free association.
The first thing that comes to the mind is the first thing that you write.
It's interesting to come back and read this later.
Sometimes you get the most enlightened feeling from it.
Other times it's a bunch of crap.
Nevertheless, it's writing.
And I love it.
5 minutes of free style, free association is up.
Til the morning comes round...

Zuri

The Wonders of A Woman

I just finished reading an excerpt from Laura Esquivel's Like Water for Chocolate which completely inspired me. The excerpt is about a young woman's unrequited love during the Mexican Revolution. The scene shows a young woman who is overheated from grinding rose petals for a recipe, and is looking forward to a shower to cool herself off. Well, she doesn't actually get her shower and the scent of roses from her body traveled into town and finds itself taunting a soldier who leaves his battle to follow the scent and find her. Esquivel puts it best when she says, "A pink cloud floated toward him, wrapped itself around him, and made him set out at a gallop toward Mama Elena's ranch...A higher power was controlling his actions. He was moved by a powerful urge to arrive as quickly as possible at a meeting with someone unknown in some undetermined place." When he meets her, Esquivel describes it by saying, "The delicacy of her face, the perfection of her pure virginal body contrasted with the passion, the lust, that leapt from her eyes, from her every pore." Kinda hot huh?

Well I have to submit my response to the discussion board for class and this is what I said:

I am and have always been supremely fascinated and almost obsessed with the dichotomy between the pure and the vixen, the angel and the devil, the fire and the coolness, and the passionate and the subdued nature of a woman. It's something that I recognize in certain woman and have always wanted to master myself. Being somewhat slower than the other kids in terms of sexuality and being aware of what I probably shouldn't have been aware of anyway at a young age, I was able to watch and admire other women with somewhat of an innocent eye, a pure eye, and realize that they had something that I did not. What Esquivel is describing here is what I used to watch in other mature women, and die to have. She's talking about a woman's power, her abilities to capture a man without knowing that she's doing so. To be less deliberate but still have a strong presence. It's extremely mature and sexy. Powerful even...

This makes me think about the wonders and the powers of a woman. It's something that is hard to explain and is very untouchable. You can't really put a lid on it or tell another woman to replicate it if she doesn't have it. It's very natural, soft but raw at the same time. A woman can't know that she has it either because if she does know, then she's doing too much. Does that make sense? But the ability to be yourself and to pull someone into you like that is amazing. This could go the other way around too because there are men who have that power as well. Isn't that where our crushes come from? When you don't necessarily know someone but you can't resist him... It's almost eery, isn't it? Man...the powers of attraction!

I don't know what I'm talking about though. Excuse my little side notes like this. LOL.

Umm.. Guys?...Am I Missing Something Here?

I'm supposed to be doing my homework right now...reading my Latin American Comparitive Literature works, but I can't focus on that right now. I need help in understanding something.

Did you happen to see May 2005's Black Enterprise? No? Well I'm going to read you bits and pieces of it, because I was truly perplexed.

On the front cover of the magazine is a very striking picture of Bishop T.D. Jakes, Bishop Eddie Long, and Pastor Kirby Jon Caldwell, all standing like men of statute and power in their very sharp suits, plastered on the backdrop of a huge stain glass window with a large cross. The bold letters across the picture read, "The Business of Faith". Now as soon as I slid this magazine out of my mailbox and had a chance to peep the picture, I literally laughed out loud. Wait...wait. Let me explain.

I was so perplexed with the notion of Faith being a Business that I walked back to my apartment and immediately took a picture of the cover and the inside article to post on my facebook page. My captions read, "Wow. Now doesn't this just say it all? There are so many different angles I could take on this, I don't even know where to begin..." and "The sub-title reads "Black megachurches are turning pastors into CEOs of multimillion-dollar enterprises". So what happens when all of our little boys and girls out there want to become multimillion-dollar pastors when they grow up?" I did get a couple of responses which I'll copy and paste right now.

A friend of mine responded, "It sounds like a wonderful idea. I think the world would be a lot worse off than if 10% of young boys were trying to become multi-millionnaire pastors. In my opinion, these guys are living lives that should be emulated. Not that they aren't doing their share of sinning, but our community needs men like this helping people instead of the stereotype of what we have. Just my two cents. Drop me a message, I really wanna talk to you about this."

I replied, "I have a somewhat different opinion on this. I understand what you're saying but I don't think church should be a business. It's a human, life-saving work, and not something to be made rich off. I don't know... something about it bothers me. I messaged you the rest of my opinion."

I got a few more responses but I want to rewind right quick, and bring you through some of the meat in the article.

"Megachurches, defined as houses of workship with more than 2,000 members, have become major players in the economic and business development boom that has revitalized inner-city communities nationwide. In today's environment, many pastors function as CEOs, developing and executing plans that utilize financial and human resources to achieve objectives." Alright. I think that sounds good.

"Generating Megadollars...It's solid financial infrastructure has also been responsible for funding close to 100 ministries, ranging from grief management and debt consolidation to Texas Offenders Re-Entry Initiative, a rehabilitaion program for ex-convicts." Wow. That's inspiring.


"The line between church and business is often blurred as ministries grant pastors oversight powers for both for-profit and nonprofit ventures...pastors must develop a series of safeguards, including annual compliance audits, appointing a compensation board to determine salaries and budgets, hiring outside financial firms to oversee finances, and establishing 501(c) 3 nonprofit corporations to manage economic development initiatives." So this really is a business. Yeah I can definitely see them wanting to safeguard their dollars and avoid getting stomped on by the IRS. Because that's what's most important right? (You should see the expression on my face right now.)

"...the break down for Potter's House revenues was as follows: 43% from tithes and offerings, 22% from national ministry offerings, 18% from comferences, 15% from product sales, and 2% from the church's international pastoral alliance." I'm taken back! I didn't know churches did all that! International Pastoral Alliances?! What is that??

"Bishop Thomas D. Jakes, Impeccably attired in a gray suit and polka-dot tie, holds court in an opulent conference room dominated by floor-to-ceiling windows that overlook 400 acres of church-owned land." Umm....ok. I'll take that. The man likes to dress and prefers to have a nice place to do his people saving work. Ok.

"Rebuilding A Community...It's that kind of power that allowed Pastor Anthony G. Maclin's church, Sanctuary at Kingdom Square, to purchase Hampton Mall [Capital Heights, MD] for $13 million....The church plans to transform the 254,000-square foot shopping center, renamed Kingdom Square, into a 3,000-seat sanctuary, complete with a school, day care center, bookstore, hair salon, and spa." Shut Up! This is right by where I live so I'm a tad bit more shocked on this one. A Hair Salon and SPA!!! And this is for a church? That's why they closed down Hampton Mall?!!!! I am truly enlightened!!!

"At present he is rejoicing about a multimillion-dollar deal with Sony Pictures to produce nine movies, following the breakthrough success of Woman Thou Art Loosed..." Ok... so he's a business man and wants to use his talents to make money. Can't fault him at that right? But wait a minute. So what happens when you want to speak to your pastor about the abusive relationship that you're in or the battles you're going through with pre-marital sex and dating? Do you really have to make an appointment? Do you really have to wait weeks to speak to someone other than his secretary and appointed overseers because he's in Hollywood dealing with his movie contract?

"The 48 year old pastor oversees two kingdoms, divided by a carefully constructed firewall, which separates his church responsibilities from his business enterprises." TWO KINGDOMS?!!! Huh?

"Maclin serves as the CEO of Kingdom Mangament, the for-profit entity established by the church to manage the mall." What's up with these names? I thought the only Kingdom was God's Kingdom. Now every rich, powerful man in the "Business of Faith" has a KINGDOM? And it's to manage the mall?Again, hmm...

""The African-American church has always been a leader in the community," Maclin says. "Who else in the community has the resources? We are trying to erase the blight in the community...The scriptures say that we should be lenders and not borrowers."" So wait.. that's what the scripture meant when it said that? Are we sure we're talking about what's best for the community though? Are you sure this isn't about your wallet size? Even if you told me that it wasn't, why wouldn't I believe you?

"Some who work in the ministry are not above engaging in skulduggery to achieve results. At times, the misuse of funds and resources is so flagrant it calls into question the priviliges afforded to the church leaders." Did anyone read that scripture at Hebrews 13:5 where it says to let your manner of life be free of the love of money, while you are content with the present things? What about the one at 1 Timothy 6:10 - for the love of money is the root of all sorts of injurious things, and by reaching out for this love some have been lead astray from the faith and have stabbed themselves all over with many pains. What about the one saying, "No one can slave for two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will stick to the one and despise the other. You cannot slave for God and For Riches." (Matthew 6:24) Did anyone read these yet? Can these scriptures apply here or are they used for everything except this?

"Long says his woes are partly due to a misunderstanding that many people have about the role and function of the modern-day megachurch." I wonder why man!

The last section of the article reads, "WALL STREET MEETS THE PULPIT". What can you say about that one?

So, I'm confused. I'm a Jehovah's Witness and have not stepped into a church in over 5 years so things have drastically changed since I left. I'm not sure what's going on, how things work, or what the pastors and bishops are saying to the congregations to make them ok with this, but something about it doesn't sit well with me. Yes, I see the benefits. I see the financial improvements that megachurches are making in the community. I hear what my friend was saying in his reply, but I never hear about the congregation. Where are those reports? Are we seeing improvements in the way the members live their lives? Do we have accounts of incredible advancements in people's spirituality? Are the pastors pushing out more spiritually grounded and peaceful people? What about the live-saving work?!!!! How many are seeing the benefits of living their lives according to God's word? How many in the congregation do normal Bible reading? Has that percentage increased? Do the megachurches keep personally designed spiritiual progress books for their members in addition to their financial accounting books? Do they make time for their members who are fattening their wallets like there is no tomorrow? As far as I can see, the statistics that I'm seeing for African-Americans aren't helping the pastors/bishops' case.

Seriously. Am I missing something here?