Tuesday, July 11, 2006


I'm so grumpy today! I know it's not right to put out bad energy like this, but I need to write to figure out why I'm feeling this way. So if you need to skip this particular post, please do so. I definitely don't want to dampen anyone else's day.

What is wrong J? I felt the exact same way last night when I was trying to complete my homework. There I was reading my professor's lecture notes for Latin American Comparitive Literature, and I remember making a scowling expression at the computer screen and thinking, "What in the world are you TALKING about!!?" His lecture made no sense! You know how english or literature professors can go off the deep end talking about fantasy vs. reality and the modernity of civilization and the 'nature of being' or whatever it is that they conjure up in their distorted little minds, and relate it to a story about a salamander! Oh please, SHUTUP! Ok, J. Stop. Stop being mean. That's not right. Just because you're having a bad day doesn't make it ok to trash someone else. Positive energy...positive energy...positive energy. Ok... I think I'm in a new place.

Have you ever woke up in the morning and felt extremely heavy because you have to go into work? Well I haven't felt that in years. Actually, I haven't felt that since high school when I worked at this incredibly heinous law firm. Maybe that's too strong of a word to use but I don't feel like thinking about a better word. Anyway, I remember how hard it was to start the processes of getting up - to get one leg to go over the edge of the bed. I hated that feeling. So much so that I told myself that as long as I'm working for someone else, it MUST be for something that I believe in and support. Well, I'm starting to feel that heavy weight again. And it just hit me this morning. I don't believe in my job. Ever since I rotated into my new department, I've felt like a slave. I'm anxious all the time, I'm stressing out during month-ends when processing occurs, and my manager gets on my nerves. It's definitely time to make some moves, don't you think? East coast, here I come.

My mom called me this morning and after telling her how miserable I was today, she laughed with me, empathized and then proceeded to tell me how truly miserable one of my little sisters is at this very moment. B put her baby down, walked away, heard a noise, and runs back in the room to see her baby shaking with his eyes rolled back into his head. The baby had a seizure. B is at the hospital right now finding out all sorts of horrible things while watching doctors and nurses prick, prod, and pull at her tiny son. The baby has a tumor in his brain.

....I think I'm going to cry.


T.C. said...

Life could always be a lot harder...it can always be a lot easier...and sometimes that's why you have to take things ONE DAY AT A TIME! When you begin to feel like that, its time to make a move...Don't let it get you down..again, LIFE could be a whole lot worse...so smile in the fact that you ARE HERE and you HAVE GODs love around you!

It was amasing to me that I was one of the first people out of everyone yesterday morning to let me know what was going on...TRUST me when I say that she has the STRENGTH of a woman twice her age. Despite all that she is experiencing right now she has and still remains extremely strong!

So don't you cry for her or for yourself...YOU get yourself together at your desk and you say a little prayer to GOD and you KEEP talking to him ALL DAY LONG...HE will provide!

j.a.c. said...

I know I know!! I know all of this. You know I do but it's so hard right now!

I hate these days when the clouds just surround you and you can't see past them. You can't find the sun. You can't see the clear blue skies or the happy little birds flying thier little hearts out. I know it's all there...I know that God is here for me...I know that I need to take it one day at a time, but I just can't reach these upbuilding, beautiful things right now.


T.C. said...

And I totally understand...so that I say...be in your funk...let yourself feel how you feel..."this too shall pass"

j.a.c. said...

Lol. Ok something that you just said there makes me want to fight this. NO FUNK TODAY FOR J!

T.C. said...

Ok and now I am offically in a "grumpy" mood, more like pissed really....

T.C. said...

I'm back to me now...LOL

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