Monday, July 24, 2006

Sigh... =(

Ever feel like everything in your life is so up in the air that you're beginning to lose oxygen? Like the hard earth is 1,000 miles below you and all you long for is to touch it with your pinky toe? Yeah, well that's how I feel. I have no permanence and if it wasn't for the fact that I know my purpose is to minister to others, I wouldn't have a point either. (Thank Jehovah for supplying me with a purpose. Things would be pretty unbearable right now with that.)

So I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life in the next few months. I feel like everything's so up in the air and I don't know what the right decisions are. I do know that I want to leave CA and come back east. I do know that I want to continue building my relationship with Jehovah without distractions. I also know that I want to feel at least a little more permanent with my next move. Living here is so pointless because I know that this is not where I'm meant to end up. It's so temporary that I don't even listen to people here anymore. When people talk, it's like, what's the point? I'm not going to know you in 4 months so why are you talking to me? I'm tired of feeling like that. I'm tired of feeling like there's no point. So I could either move back to DC or go to Atlanta, I guess. I'm seriously nervous about both. I'm nervous about Atlanta for the simple fact that I have to start all over. What if I don't like it down there? I'm used to being around different types of people and I honestly think that I'll get tired of SOO many black people. I know I'll miss the diversity and being around people who think differently than "us". I've never been around only black people and I don't think I'll feel comfortable in that situation because of what I've been exposed to. To be honest, I really can't take close-minded, ghetto, ignorant black people. That sounds bad but hey... It's how I feel. I admit it! I'm bourgeois! So what if i get to ATL and find that that's all there is? And then coming home... yeah... there are too many cons there. Of course I wouldn't come home home but I really love my independence and being away from people. I like sitting in my apartment by myself and going to movies and driving into town alone. Yeah I love my sisters and I like to hang, but on a very minimal level. Believe it or not, I'm a loner. I also feel like coming home would distract me and take me away from what I need to do. There are too many guys around that I've known or currently know. I like very much being out of reach. And then there's my desire to buy a house. I can't do that in DC, but I can very much do that in ATL. DC would be a very good challenge for me though. I've learned so much about myself here and if I've grown as much as I think I have, I should be able to be J anywhere. If my faith is that strong in God, it should carry with me wherever I go. I can't not live in a state because of particular person or set of people. I can't run away. So I don't know. Wherever I go, I want to make it a place where I can buy a house and possibly have a family. If I do come to DC and meet someone, that person needs to be someone who likes to move. I definitely don't want to meet anyone who LOVES DC to the point where thinks there's nothing better. Well... I don't know. Maybe I'm putting too much on it. Boo... Oh and my lease needs to either be signed for another 6 month lease for $875 ($50 higher than what I'm paying now) or a month to month lease at $925 by July 30th. I'm not sure which one to sign it for which is why this is so stressful. Oh man oh man...

3 comments:

T.C. said...

We talked about this...so you know my vote and I know you are going to be alright! You are a smart young woman...

But I will also say this...you never know when you may run into someone again, or what someone can bring into your life...so just because you don't plan on being in Cali doesn't mean that meeting and talking to people is pointless...they may have been sent for a reason, season, or lifetime...more than likely a reason, but from every reason and circumstance you grow as a person...

Feel me....

You gonna make I have total FAITH in you!!!!

Kep said...

I definitely feel you on so many levels. I'm somewhat in your shoes, but without the financial independence! Lol

I think it's important to remember that there will be pros and cons wherever you go. People you don't like wherever you go. New people will pop up to replace the old ones you had issues with. There will always be challenges, so I don't know how much precedence you should give to the ones that are already there. I'm not so much advising one way or another, but just giving you things to think about(although I'm biased towards you coming back.)

Have you considered moving to the DC metro area but farther away from home? VA, Different part of MD? I hear there are some nice affordable houses in Bmore county or Bmore city outskirts. (It's not all super-hood, you know. :-)) Again, lots of options. I feel you on needing to get away from the familiar though. Home can be limiting. (Read my recent posts.) How many times in the Word did the Almighty have to bring people out of the land of their fathers? But still, you don't necessarily have to go across the country. Best of both worlds! :-) Hope I helped.

Peace,
Kep.

j.a.c. said...

Thanks Kep. Yes you helped!

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