Saturday, December 27, 2008


This post is entirely for me to rant. So no need to really even read or comment. Just tryna sort my feelings out.

I'm in a very weird transitional phase right now which has got me kinda screwed up. When I no longer have a schedule or a concrete reason to wake up in the morning, I tend to get a little confused. I wake up in different cities. Can't really keep up with the date anymore. Not sure how long my money will hold out. I keep forgetting what clothes I have in NY and what I have at my parent's house. Not in the mood to go anywhere anymore. I'm very unclear as to what my future holds. My body doesn't even feel right. When I wake up in the morning, after 9 hours of sleep, I feel extremely exhausted instead of refreshed. I get dizzy when I stand up more times than I care to share. I'm just wrong. Completely out of wack.

I'm trying hard to push through this forest of shrubbery that's enclosing around me. Yesterday, my sister and I disappeared to my friend's house (who happens to be out of town) to go hard like we're in finals, and apply for jobs. We were there from 11am to 6pm searching and applying. Searching and applying. Searching and applying. So at least I did that. My life preserver has been cast. I'm just waiting for someone to tug on it so I can get some sort of direction. Sucks that this had to happen around the holidays. I can't tell if people just aren't at work or they don't like me. I want to apply to more jobs, but the listings haven't changed (because no ones at work).

I really want to go someplace warm for a mini-vacation so I can stop sitting in NY and MD looking all confused, but I'm afraid to use my money. My car's registration expired so I have a huge penalty fee coming my way in addition to a ski trip coming up in February. No matter what you do, there's always something. I'm actually excited for the ski trip. I wonder if I can sit tight through the month of January. I could if I had a purpose and a car.

Maybe I should look back to the 15 Things To Do Before 10/09 list and see what I could knock off.
  • go snowboarding - i can check that off
  • obtain an IRA - i need to check my 401Ks at Boeing and Time Inc for a rollover
  • write 7 fantastic songs - i can scratch one off the list. 6 more to go. i'm not in the mood to pen anything write now though
  • get baptized - i'm working on that. going out in service a little more while i'm unemployed wouldn't hurt
  • have a committed relationship w/ a strong & spiritual man - Ha! NEXT
  • take a European trip with sis - since we're both unemployed, that'll have to be postponed
  • spend a weekday in a luxury hotel - i'm going to do this, no matter if i'm unemployed or not
  • become AmEx debt free - well now that i'm back to paying the minimum, i need to change my deadline on this one
  • fine tune my cooking skills - i'm actually ready to do this. if i move back home, i'll make this happen. i'm sure my family would be very appreciative
  • put together a photography portfolio - now this is something i can do right now (well when i can manage to get my car registered). i keep dreaming about photography school and maybe even doing some photojournalism, so... yes. i need to jump on this right away
  • take my vitamen daily - that's probably what's wrong with my body. i haven't been taking a vitamen!
  • gain no more than 5 lbs. - well... something's wrong with me in this area too. my hourglass is not what it used to be. i NEED to gain 5 lbs. i used to hate it when people called me skinny, but right now, that's exactly what i am
  • take dance classes - i'm afraid to exercise because i seem to keep losing weight. if i stick to my New York City Ballet workout DVD, i should be able to tone w/o losing
  • become bomb at my job and get a good raise - errr, umm. the economy kinda killed that one
  • get into interior design - eh. not feeling that right now

Okay so here's what I deduce from the above. I'm funneling all of that information into a thesis of sorts.

j.a.c.'s so-she-won't-go-crazy-while-unemployed to-do list, version 1
Finances - Handle my 401K business. Research Suze Orman advice.
Health - NYCB DVD in the mornings and take daily vitamen supplement.
Spirituality - Daily Bible reading and personal study. Prepare for mtgs. More service.
Lifestyle - Cook. As long as my parents purchase the groceries I'm good. Get a new menu book.
Passion - Take my camera out into the field. Maybe I can do a collection on love.
Career - Apply for 3 - 5 jobs everyday.

Cool. Now I gotta write this down where I can see it everyday and make a schedule. lol. I'm such a structured person. But that's okay. It's what I need to be j.a.c.

Did you enjoy my process? lol. They're always so funny. I start out down in the dumps, or somewhere near there, and then spit out these 1-2-3-4 executed instructions on how to raise myself back up. No wonder I'm so good at math and finance. I'm extremely logical, and if 2 + 2 doesn't = 4, then I'm confused. Eh! It is what it is!


Anonymous said...

lol Be you, Homie. I'm strangely in a similar position. Working to maintain a program that, due to my financial obligations and my non-profit's position, I've pretty much just agreed to do for free while working a nine to five. I guess I still have the structure thing though, because of all the work that needs to be done. The income would be nice too though :-)

The Almighty will be handling that soon enough. In the mean time it comes down to the job search and working to maintain. I've decided to come up with something that the audience I'm going for pretty much can't help but say yes to if I pitch it right. Pretty sure the Almighty gave the go on this one. I know I'm being extra vague, but I'll spell it out if it comes through. In the mean time, just understand that I FEEL YOU!!!

Anonymous said...

Peace, Kep.

Bsquared said...

Good for you. I admire your decision to stay in the hotel whether you're traditionally employed or not. Just remember to respect the process. Everything you're doing now is to prepare you for something you'll encounter later.

Anonymous said...

You just gave me an idea with this post...THANK YOU!

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