Friday, December 05, 2008

Ran-dumb Thoughts

I'm a mess.
I'm so out of wack.
This is what happens when I don't have structure.
My emails are a mess.
I'm not sure which ones I answered and which I didn't.
What should be marked unread and what I can ignore.
I didn't wrap my hair last night because I simply didn't care.
So now I look like a crazy person.
I can't seem to keep my area straight.
I have unemployment papers and car insurance information spread everywhere.
Usually I'm really good about putting my handbags away, but right now, I can see 4 of them over the edge of my labtop screen.
I've been holding on to these Netflix DVDs forever because I don't know where a mailbox is!
I used to mail my DVDs at work.
Where do the unemployed mail their mail?!
And when and how do I eat?
Aren't there specific hours to eat?
Like 9am, 12:30pm and 6pm?
I never eat at those times anyway, but at least there were open spaces made for them.
My whole day is an open space.
An open hole.
I feel like I'm shuffling around in the dark.
This is what happens to me when I have no structure.
When I have no job.
I need a to do list.
Most of all, I need a desk.
A to do list won't matter if I don't have a reason to do any of it.
I have not a deadline to keep and no where to sit to force myself to keep a deadline.
I feel bad being knocked out when my cousin and aunt leave for work everyday.
They're probably thinking, "this bum! you mooch!".
And it's bumming me out.
It bothers me to sit.
My mood is...

I left the Alvin Ailey performance early yesterday.
I couldn't do it anymore.
If I were to sit there through Revelations, I know I would have screamed.
I just couldn't do it.
My aunt and cousin were probably wondering what was wrong with me.
Everything was wrong yesterday.
I wasn't myself.
I'm still not myself.
Besides, the pain in my mouth was killing me.
I didn't think wisdom teeth extraction would be such a big deal.
These 4 holes in my mouth are quite annoying.
I tried to eat a sandwich yesterday.
Wrong move.
I should've stuck to the pudding and jello.
The lower right hole in my mouth is so tender.

I'm beginning to get that itch.
The rollercoaster ride itch.
The emotion swirling dipping and diving itch.
The itch for magic.
The itch for glory.
But I know better.
I need to open my eyes.
I need to smack myself out of it.
I told my ex-fiance yesterday that I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.
I used to exist by them.
I told him that I don't think I'll never have a diamond ring.
He yelled at me for not having faith.
Well...
Reality is reality.
My dreams are dead.
At least those kind of dreams are.

I don't want to stop writing.
What would I do afterwards?
Lay back down?
Close my eyes and think?
Think about what?
It's too cold to get up.

9 comments:

Eb the Celeb said...

You sound like that Different World episode so I am going to tell you to do like Whitley

"Relax, Relate, Release"

Hope everything works itself out for you girlie

and I went threw an unemployment spell earlier this year... girl do that mess online... so much easier..nothing to mail in at all.

No it will get better though. I was depressed as I dont know what during that time. But you have to realize that there is no where to go but up!

Marcus said...

I'm with you on the engagement thing... After my failure, I don't know that I'll buy another ring... Depression sucks!

T.C. said...

I have been unemployed sitting in the middle of my bed on the laptop with papers everywhere, clothes and shoes, adn bags everywhere...and me looking crazy...so i can HONESTLY say i know how you are feeling right now...and i can HONESTLY say that it will get totally better...it'll take you a moment to pull it all together but it will call come together...

second...don't stop dreaming! ever! yes the sooner you face your reality the sooner your real life can begin is very true...BUT your reality should always include a dream or two...

strength, courage, and wisdom!

Reecie said...

Girl...I feel you on the fairy tale thing. I had TOTALLY chopped up '08 as a complete and total LOSS...everything else in my life was going pretty well but I just couldn't catch a break in the dating arena. I started thinking...maybe I will end up alone, maybe I should just give up the idea that I'm going to find anyone anytime soon...feeling like there is nothing I could do to change my situation, because there was nothing I was doing wrong (unless having some minimum standards is considered wrong).

But...it's amazing how things can change so quickly and make everything else seem like a bad dream you just woke up from...totally unreal. Sometimes it takes going through it for one month, six montha, or hell even 11 months...but the tragedy and on the flip side beauty of life is how quickly things can change. There wasn't a more hopeless person than me...but now I have a renewed sense of optimism and the feeling that all of the things I went through were just growing pains to toughen me up and learn to appreciate things so much more.

So...for what it's worth...and as cliche as it sounds...things will always work out for the best even if it doesn't feel that way when you are feeling low. Being that you're a person of faith I know you that you ultimately believe that...so keep your head up. If there is hope for me, then I know there is hope for you! lol.

miss alisa said...

I agree with Tiff. Stop stressing, but PLEASE don't stop dreaming. Not now, and not ever.

PreciousGem-Refinement in Progress said...

Keep your head up missy...You'll be in my prayers...I can totally get that "all over the place feeling" but "He has given you a soundness of mind"...

miKeSee said...

808s and Heartbreak...Track 8. Then listen to Spaceship on College Dropout...Then listen to Stronger on Graduation...Then listen to Touch the Sky on Late Registration...Then listen to Good Life...Then ...

:-)

Anonymous said...

u said okay, but u didnt mean it??
(gpd)

It is What It Is... said...

WOW - I'm right there with you. I couldn't have said it better.

I have mo job, no structure....just here.

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