I really do have a problem with this thing called FAITH - "the assured expectation of things hope for, the evident demonstration of realities though not beheld". The assured expectation of things hoped for... Sometimes I feel like I have none of that. I'm not "assured" of anything anymore. Because you know what I hope for? I HOPE for my friends and family to have peace. To not have to deal with the angst that this world puts us through. So many of my girlfriends have gone through truly appalling situations when dealing with health, money, and love. My male friends are out here swearing off women because of how stank we can be. I HOPE, more than anything, to serve God with a man of God. But tell me how many men of God do YOU know? One of the Bible literature books that I read today said, "How does he demonstrate his love for God?" Well...hmm... I don't think I'm acquainted with any men who outwardly demonstrate their love for God through their actions. I HOPE for a job that won't kill me; one that I enjoy working each and every day. I've already had one, so how can I expect another when most people don't even get that opportunity once? With things being so tough out here in this system we call the world, I just can't see how I can believe in anything anymore. This world and the people in it are so damaged. At our heart's core, we all just want to be happy individuals, but that just doesn't seem to work out for anyone. This is exactly why I am taught not to have faith in this system; that the only remedy is to look forward to the new system that God will provide us. Even though I shouldn't say this, that's just not enough for me right now. The fact of the matter is that I'm here. Right now. At this very moment. Sigh..... I'm in one of my holes right now. You know... those holes where you trap yourself in and can't seem to find your way out. But a hole that you could easily help someone else out of when they're in it. I know all of the Bible verses and all of the positive quotes, but my mind has the best of me at this very moment. And that's all because I don't have enough faith.
The Bible tells me that all it takes is a mustard grain of faith, a really really really small particle of faith, to move mountains. But you see, this is a problem for me because I do indeed believe in certain things. I believe that what the Bible says is true. I believe that if you do things the righteous way, your life will be better. I have faith that Jesus will crush Satan when the time comes. Because who can be stronger than God and Jesus? I even have faith that we will all live in an earthly paradise where sickness and death will be non-existent. But even with this faith that I have, my mountains are just not moving. Or maybe they are, and I can't see it. Perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself. In any case, however you cut it, I still feel like I'm lacking in faith. ESPECIALLY when it comes to having my heart's desires. Actually, ONLY when it comes to having my heart's desires. That's it. That's exactly what it is. I know it makes no sense for me to believe that Jehovah will take care of everyone else except for me, but that's what I'm beginning to feel!
I'm doing some Bible research as I type this, and this is what it says under "How can a person acquire faith?" Well first of all, you can't have faith unless you know what you're supposed to believe in. You learn what you're supposed to have faith in through studying God's word. "Failure to study it hinders any development of true faith." Ok. So I need knowledge of God's word. I have that. Now what? In Romans it says that "Faith follows the thing heard." "A person must first found out what the Bible says, and he will strengthen his conviction if he examines it carefully so as to be convinced of it reliability." Hmm... I just looked up some scriptures surrounding that last sentence in my book, and I think I know what I'm missing. The scriptures I read have phrases like "examining the scriptures daily" and "standing before you constantly and listening"... While I'm in church all the time, I don't think I stick to the word as much as the scriptures tell me to. "daily"... "constantly"... naw, I definitely don't do that. And I know that if I did, I wouldn't have time to let that hole, that I mentioned above, eat me alive.
I carry my Bible with me everywhere. I'm the girl in the restaurant, mixer, networking group, backyard BBQ, and bowling alley with my Bible. But as much as I carry my Bible around, I surely don't read it enough. I'm usually in it 3 times a week for very select hours, but those other 4 days is probably when my mind goes wild and sucks me in and tears me apart into little tiny itty bitty pieces. Knowing myself, I need to be in that Bible every single day of the week. That way, I can acquire more faith. If I'm reading encouraging scriptures over and over again, there's no way I couldn't believe in them, AND believe that God will not only take care of others, but me as well.
So there's the remedy. I figured it out. It's all about my personal Bible study (among other things). Yet again, that's the power of what writing does for me. Now I just have to make sure I take the medicine I just prescribed for myself. Now THAT'S the hard part. Sigh...