I feel like I need to spill my guts. Something's up and I need to write it out to figure what the point is. I feel like I'm turning into someone that I don't want to be.
I just had a deep email conversation with about 5 friends on relationships/men vs. women/having "lists"/being too picky/finding "the one", in which I basically stated that all men suck. The more I typed, the more I realized that the ideas coming out of my head are SO not what they should be. I'm usually very clear, objective and fair to both sides of the issue, but my judgment is obviously amazingly clouded.
I'm saying things like "men are crazy" and "the greater number of women are more sensible than men" etc.. Stuff I KNOW I wouldn't say if I didn't just go through a break-up. We broke up a month ago, but from the conversation I had with my friends, I can see that I'm still salty. And it's bothering me! I don't want to be seen as "that bitter woman". I don't want to be "damaged goods"! Why do I still feel like men suck and I didn't do anything wrong and he was the one that was crazy, etc.? Why do I still feel that way? I know better!
I feel like I need to be humbled because there is no way that I was perfect in that relationship. I would be stupid to say that he was the one that was crazy, but what if I really do feel that way? What if I really do feel like I was sensible and he wasn't? What if I feel like men in general are just lame to me right now? Speaking of lame take a look at what my girl JennWill said about our experience Saturday.
"...J and I met some of the LAMEST men of all time at the beach party on Sat. like lame, lame. I'm not sure if it was a function of our general standoffishness and obvious desire not to be bothered that only those with the most severe cases of delusions of grandeur dared to approach. Or, if there were several dares taking place among the socially rejected sending them our way. In any case, if we were on the hunt, that day would have been sadly disappointing, unless we opted to pursue gentleman. We couldn't even get more then two ppl a piece into our top 5 category. How sad is that??"
I totally agree with this assessment, but it makes me feel bad! Like who am I to say that these men were lame and who is to say that they wanted me anyway?! But they were lame! And I don't care if they wanted me or not! And so what if we were standoffish! And yes, I know what I looked like sitting back in my comfy chair under our big umbrella, with my sunglasses, big earrings, hair done, bikini top on, and scowl on my face! I looked just like the rest of these d#%@, pretty, stuck up girls that I've met in California! Geez! And I hate that!!
Okay.. calm down j.a.c. Breathe...
My boy just emailed me and said that it's normal to feel like this a month after a break-up. He says that it's called being human. But he also said that if I still feel like this when he's leaving for grad school next year, we're going to have to talk about working on my "bitterness". =)
Okay. I can see that. I'm still licking my wounds. Fine. I get it. But I don't like being subjective. I need a well-rounded ideology. I need to be able to look at issues from more than one perspective. So how do I get rid of this attitude? I know. I know. Time. Freakin Time. I hate freakin time! Time takes too long! I do know one thing though. Don't talk to me about men, relationships or anything of the sort for another 5 weeks. It's apparent I'm not ready for all that. lol. So here's what I'm proposing for myself... I'm going to write down all/some of the things I need to work on as an individual. I did this once before during the hurricane, but I think it's time to revist the things that I did wrong and think about how I would react differently. I'm also going to remind myself how I prefer the down-to-earth girl over the superficial-stank-attitude girl. Maybe that might level my big head out.
Ok. I feel a little better. See! I can always answer my own questions and sort out my own problems. I just have to be really honest with myself and write it out.
If anyone has further recommendations however, I'm all ears.
7 comments:
starting with your OWN "list" is a good way to look at the entire situation...when me and O broke up, i went through all of these things and i was told to morn it just like death because its the death of a relationship...BUT i was also told to objectively sit back and really look at EVERYTHING that happened and evaluate how I could have done things differently...
so starting with the list, who you want to be, where you want to be, the type of person you were and are becoming and what YOU can do to grow and jac better, is the BEST way to go...because you will realize that you ain't all that, but you ain't all bad either...
you'll find that you ahve a lot to offer and be able to view people for who they are and what they are and be OK with that, they aren't "lame" just not for you...somebody out there would love that "lame @S$ man" you know...
so just breathe, do some self accessment and give yourself and the brothers a break
I know that this is just a phase. Thank goodness for growth. I'm sure I'll be talking about how much I love men in no time. =) Can't wait til I'm back to my normal self!
yea its just that a phase...this to shall pass...
Awww! Yeah girl, it is just a phase. And you are better than me! Because I wouldn't care at all!! But that's just me being mean I guess.
It is just a phase that everyone goes through. Don't be mad at yourself for being human. Just feel what you feel girl.
You can't ignore what you feel without it blowing up in your face.
Just pray about it and let God get you through it.
When D and I broke up that final time, I came back to LA and everyone was asking about him, I told them all that he had died and that I didn't want to talk about it. It was a horrible thing to say, but I got over the hurt of it all much quicker...Right now of course you think all men suck, everyone you know is breaking up, men are tripping out, getting brand new. It takes time to process the lessons you've learned into actual lessons instead of points of bitterness, and all the things he/you did wrong. You're entitled to the feelings that you have right now, just make sure that you turn that corner, you can't revel in bitterness forever.
prayer...
I feel you on this one. Sometimes I think that my thoughts on love need to be refreshed--unhealthy dealings will do that to a sista
:-( ....But I'm getting better
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