Love

I'm studying an article about cultivating the type of love that never fails and the first couple of paragraphs bring something to mind.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a blog about love. It had some pretty high expectations in there. I said that I want the type of love that you see in movies and that I'm not capable of a normal, everyday love.

Well, since 2008 when that blog was written, I've been through some things. I've studied about love and I've witnessed it in real fashion. The kind of love that I was speaking about in that blog is what little girls wish for before they know what real love involves. Real love is not like the movies. What we see in movies are the good times, when people are just beginning to fall in love. What we don't see is how the newbies maintain and stay together through the hard times. Truth be told that I have fallen in love like the movies. The early days with my fiance were wonderful. I remember feeling high on love during our courtship. It was amazing. But now that we're really learning each other and the newness has worn off, I'm really beginning to feel what love is and what it isn't.

Love is good old fashioned work. In God's case, it took Him sending His baby to die for ungrateful people. For Jesus, he showed his love by teaching everyone how to get it right and by faithfully dying for ungrateful people. These were not things that either of them particularly enjoyed. These things were painful. But they did it because of love. If you love someone, you do stuff for them. You don't sit and stare into their eyes just to get a tingly feeling. No, you put forth effort and actually do something for them that would benefit them. That's love. 1 Corinthians 13:1 - 3 makes a good point, and this is what it says to me. If I have all these romantic gifts like the ability to give someone goosebumps through my words or the ability to dream about an all encompassing, passionate and faithful romance, what difference would all of it make if I didn't have love. The real type of love. The lovely words, the goosebumps and the dreams may fade. But love never ends.

I'm not asking anyone to die for me though. When it comes to loving me, it's all about the little things. The simple text message that makes me smile. Bringing me a slice of Mrs. Smith's apple pie with vanilla ice cream, studying the Bible with me, telling me that I look pretty, leaving me a note on my car, reaching for me because you know I want to be held, sending me an I Love You email that took you time to create and scrubbing tree sap off my car with me. It's the everyday little things when you give of yourself to make me happy.

So, believe in that overly romanticized type of love if you want to. If you do though, let me warn you. You will be disappointed. And it will hurt.

So Much To Say

Oh goodness. I have so much to say but so little time!

I'll start with this. If anyone was to ever write my life story, it would be about love. I've been in an on again off again love affair and I'll never begin to understand how my love, my one true love, manages to stick with me through thick and thin. And I must say that there have been a LOT of thin times. One time in particular happened not too long ago though, just last week actually, where I nearly blamed him for my unhappiness. I actually stated that I couldn't believe things were turning out this way when I was doing everything he wanted me to do. He promised me it would be okay, yet it wasn't. Now...my love had every reason to drop me at that very moment. He could have froze up, told me that what I said was unforgivable, chosen to abandon me, or even worse stayed with me while keeping feelings of hurt and anger towards me inside. But my love never did that. Instead, my love did nothing but love me back. And THAT is the very reason why I'm smiling at this moment. Through my faith in his forgiveness, he in turn has given me peace. I mean it really makes no sense. I've done him so dirty ya'll. You don't even want to know. And I feel really really really bad for stating that I felt like he abandoned me. That man never abandons and he never says that he takes time away from me to lick his wounds. He doesn't even know what that means or how to do that because his love for me is just that strong. So right now, my love and I are in an upswing. I'm happier than I've been in a long time and nothing can change this feeling. The tears of joy I cried yesterday attest to how dear he is to my heart. I will love him forever just as I know he will love me forever.

There are a lot of spiritually encouraging things you can do when you're down and out. You can read your Bible. You can say a prayer. You can dig into other resources that give you a spiritually uplifting word. But you'll never guess what has helped me the most during my time of need. To some this may be a shock, and to others you'll have no idea what I'm talking about but what, or I should say WHO helped me the most were the mature men of the congregation. There has been one elder in particular who has been my 100%, steadfast of a rock lifesaver. He's been on the other end of the phone while I've cried, asked questions, spoke my heart off, and even in times when I've been silent. But nevertheless, he's always been there uplifting me and giving me good one on one counsel. I was so against seeking out help from members of my congregation because of some hurt that came as a result of a few harsh words, but as soon as I opened myself up, my light became brighter. I thought that I could just read and figure it out on my own, but I was kidding myself. The many conversations that I've had with this particular brother has not only encouraged me, but has put me on the right path towards me being able to encourage myself. What I also love about the exchange is that he's shared some personal experiences with me as well. He's been where I've been and it's nice to hear someone say that. It's good to know that he was there, and came out the way he is now. Now that's awesome! My brother in Christ has done me wonders. I have to get him a thank you card or something, even though there are no words to express how grateful I am.

I'm proud of my dad. He's been stressing, but recently he opened his mind up to some counseling from his peers. He made the call, reached out and is now headed in a better direction. I know it's hard for a grown man with a family with service responsibilities to open up to a man with the same qualifications, but he did so anyway. He let go and let God.

"Satan, the ruler of this world, is a master at getting people to give in to negative thinking, pessimism, distrust, and despair." When I came home from the meeting tonight, my mom called me in her room and said 'did you see that line?! That's me!!!!' She said she even wrote in the margin of the book that housed that quote "Oh NO!" Lol. I thought that was funny. I'm glad she shared that with me. I'm glad she told me that she's going to change her thinking because she doesn't want Satan to win. She exposed the little jewel of her personality when she shared that with me. My mom often thinks she has all the answers, so this was nice to hear.

What TC commented in my last post is so true. I've been relying on another imperfect human being to satisfy my needs. But never should I have done so. Men are just as imperfect as women are and sometimes just might leave you hanging. But I have two things that I can lean on when my man is less than available. I have God and I have myself. Those are the two places where I can find happiness right? I'm surely getting it from God right now. I can feel it in my bones. What I need now is to make sure I'm getting it from myself, from within. Tomorrow is personal study day so perhaps that's what I'll focus on. How to make myself happy.

Oh, I almost passed out and fainted in the metro today. I was two seconds from calling 911 as the world swirled around me and I had to crouch to the ground. But I made it. I prayed, made it to work, managed to go back out and get some crackers, ginger ale, and soup to munch on throughout the day, and then had a pretty successful day. I think my appetite should come back soon so since I can't afford an emergency room bill, I'm looking forward to that day.

Buenas noches gente!

Needs

A woman needs to be loved. She needs to be held. She needs to be told she's beautiful. Not once in a blue moon on occasions where she gets dressed up, but ever so often. She needs to know that he finds her interesting. She needs to catch him staring at her just because. She needs to be paid a compliment. She needs to feel like he finds her intelligent. She needs to know that he's crazy about her. She needs to feel like he's head over heels. She needs to be lusted after. She needs to know that she can make him laugh. She needs to hear that he won't ever leave. She needs to know he wouldn't change a thing. She needs to feel accepted. She needs to hear a sweet word. She needs a 'just because' flower. She needs to know he's thinking about her. She needs him to grab her hand. She needs for him to go in for a kiss. She needs to feel like he always cares. She needs him to make her feel wanted.

A woman's got needs. And I am a woman. I have needs.

30 Days

I want to form a habit. It is said that it takes 16 - 21 times or 1 straight month of repeating a task for it to develop into a habit. I want reading the Bible daily to become a habit. Something that comes naturally instead of something that I struggle to accomplish. I want j.a.c.'s weekly personal study night to be automatic. Automatic like brushing my teeth in the morning. I want making good decisions out of tough circumstances to be a norm. On a lighter note, I want eating healthy 2 - 3 times a day to be routine! I mean sheesh! You should see me! If I turn the side I disappear! I've never been this small. But now is the time to fatten up. Too bad I have a wedding dress being made. They're going to have let that sucka out! Anyway, good habits here I come. The first month is the hardest. 30 days of FOCUS.

What's today's date? February 19. March 21st is the date. As a matter of fact, let's take it to March 31st. I don't want to be over confident at all. March 31st seems like a better date. Let the hard work begin!!!

Ran-dumb Thoughts - Spiritual Edition

Just used my last $5 for a box of Honey Bunches of Oats
mmm
This cereal tastes so good
So...
So far I've sent my co-worker some information I promised her over a week ago
She was struggling with finding the balance between honoring her mother and feeling that her mom's way of worship was not in harmony with God's standards
So that's done
I also hit up my studies on the train
Read an article called "A Time for the Head and a Time for the Heart"
My emotions are my achilles heal
They kill me every time
So I read the article to give me some instruction on balance
At first, before reading the article, I thought that I might have to supress my emotions
But nope
God doesn't say that, which is so loving to me
He doesn't expect me to act and think like a man because He knows that's not how I was created
He wants me to be me
YET... there's a time for emotions and there's a time to use my brain
When it comes to Jehovah's standards, the brain needs to kick in
There's no room for emotions where His principles and laws are concerned
My parents had a family study last night that I joined the tail end of
They are kinda having the same problem
My mom gets so emotional that she lets them hinder her from doing the right thing
My dad is so into his head and so rigid that he has a hard time being flexible and reaching into his heart to stop his routine and help my mom
It's an interesting dichotomy
It's the age old discussion of how men act versus how women act
So after I read the article, I forwarded it to them in hopes that they'll be able to cross over their barriers and discern when it's time for the head and when it's time for the heart
Bottom line is that everyone has to give
Just a little
What else have I done this morning
Oh
I started studying another article about what makes a spiritual person
So far I've learned that I need to stay drowned in spiritual things
Like totally entreanched in them
When I don't, I start tripping
It's the only way for me to stay focused and devoted to the plan
The other part of that is keeping the mind of Christ
Which means again, no emotions!
This is about the MIND, the head
Robinson texted me yesterday evening
I love it when people take a personal interest in me outside of the normal designated time
At the hall or in the ministry
We went back and forth a couple of times over text
He was actually the one who helped me down the 'emotions' path
It's so so so nice to be reached out to when it's not during the times when it's normally the appropriate time to reach out
It's one thing I miss about my LA congregation
The elders want me to come to them
I'm not sure what to talk about so I have to dig deep and figure out what I need to come to them with
Maybe I'll say that!
Alright
Time to work
Holla!

What I Would Give

I am Passion

I've been missing myself for a quite a while. Been thinking back to the times when I was fancy free and lovely. Remembering when I felt so right. Reminiscing over periods when my step was right. But as I sit here listening to an artist I respect and get comfort from, I realize that I'm missing my passion. Passion is who I am. When I'm passionate about the words I write, when I'm passionate about the music I'm listening to, when I'm passionate about the subjects I photography, I am alive. I've been suppressing my passion. Trying to be less crazy. Trying not to look like I'm out of this world. But when I listen to music I love, I need to put on the stank face. I need to connect with it. I need to get inside of it. When I'm inside of anything that I love...that's when I'm me. That's when I'm happy. That's when I found a place that's comfortable. The passion that other people have inspires me. Inspiration is everything to me.

Teedra Moses

Teedra,

This may seem a bit silly, but what you do means the world to me. Time and time again, you lift me up off of the ground. Time and time again, you're right there for me when I'm feeling a hot mess. The first time was when I packed up and moved to the other side of the country. I was alone in a great big world, but I found you and the vast spaces around me were filled. The second time was when I knew I was in a dead end relationship. The struggle inside of me was brought to the surface when you told me to take my love away. The third time, this time right here, you cradled me as I waited to see whether my heart would be stolen. You saved me from the worry and the craziness that could have eroded my mind. Your music fills me. It lifts me from the ground Teedra. It pulls me from my knees and raises me above the clouds. Your lyrics say all the things I could never find the vocabulary to say. I know you don't realize what you do for your fans. You couldn't possibly. How you are saving lives and filling the gaps that we can't fill on our own. I fit in the pockets of your music. They completely envelop me and keep me clean from the garbage. I'm so thankful for your talent.

j.a.c.

This Royal Patience mixtape is by far the BEST she has done. I definitely can't dismiss her other music though. They've done me wonders and have changed my life. Download Teedra's mixtape here.

God, Don't Leave Me

It has to be okay

It just has to be

Because all that I have

is my heart

Nothing could be that cruel

It doesn't exist

The pain I would feel if

I won't even speak it

Because it's not

It's not going to happen

You know my heart

There's no way You

You won't be with me

It won't happen

Because I wouldn't

I wouldn't be able to live

Oxygen wouldn't be enough

Food wouldn't sustain

Family couldn't save

My breathe would be gone

The knife would twist deeper

Right into my heart

All I have is my heart

Open willing and able

I need you too bad

For the universe

For it to take you away

I can't find a reason

Why I shouldn't be happy

Why I don't deserve

Deserve mercy

It won't happen

With every neuron

I know it won't happen

All that I have is my heart

The tears I have

My tears are real

Coming from too deep

Deeper than deep

I won't apologize

For being me

Believing and pouring out

Pouring my emotions

Emotions so raw they stink

So raw you can't taste

So thick they don't fit

I've never wanted anything

Anything as bad

It won't happen

All that I have is my heart

It's here to give

I can't give up on it

The yearning inside

There's no reason I couldn't

I couldn't be granted this

Deserving is too limp

Please please please

Love me God

Give me everything you have

Don't give up on me

And the possibilities

All that I have is my heart

It's my gift to you

Freely yours

As plush red and crazy as it is

As wild as it may be

As passionate as it may appear

Don't leave me God

There is nothing that cruel

No where in the universe

Can you find cruelty

As separating you and I

Ran-dumb Thoughts

It's Friday

I've spent a full 7 days inside of this house except for the 2 times I got to see highway 202

It's time to break free

The blizzard has run its course

I feel slow

As in life is dragging

Perhaps it's my part time schedule

Or the fact that I have no money so I can't do anything

It would be in my best interest to take these slower days to my advantage

And I'll try

It's just not who I am

I like to be a well oiled machine with people to see and places to go

I like to have plans

Actually, I like to make plans to chill

I don't want to make plans to work

That's what I'm doing now

I'm planning out what work needs to be done

Being stuck at home for a week might be the cause

I previewed Corinne Bailey Rae and Sade's albums this morning

Those two calm me to no end

I wish I could purchase them

But I have to be sure I can pay my bills first

Who would have thought I'd be back here

Struggling

That well oiled finance machine is rusty now

I have Sade's "I'm a soldier of love" line stuck in my head

I can hear her singing that as clear as day

Latoya Luckett has a new video out that I like

She really looks and sounds like she's coming into her own

She's really comfortable in the video

The song is about wanting a man who will simply be good to her

The scenes with her leading man are real cute

Obviously the dude is good to her

I think that's all that women want

A man that's good to them

And I'm sure that's what men want too

A lady that's good to them

Everyone just wants people to be nice

I'm going to see if I can get the marriage license today

I just don't know how I'm going to pay for it

I rearranged all of my accounts and made a couple of transfers so I can pay my bills

Getting paid once a month on the 15th is hard

But what makes it worse is now that I've switched to part time, I won't get paid until after the 15th

Going an entire month and then some without a paycheck...

Sheesh

It shouldn't be allowed

But that's what happens when you change your employment status like that

The schedule and paycheck get all jacked up

There's no doubt that I'm stressed

I'm tired of stress

I've been stressed for a while now

When will the stress be over?

I guess when I get my life back into some sort of consistency

I miss MJ

Haven't seen him consistently like normal

Guess I have to get used to that being that our morning schedules aren't aligned anymore

But I miss him holding me

Things are always good when he's holding me

I'm looking forward to another blizzard where we can be snowed in together

I'd rather be stuck with him than stuck without him

Someone wrote a comment on my last post

In Japanese

What am I supposed to do with that?

And why would a Japanese speaking person even read my blog?

I was supposed to write my love story for an old co-worker

She has a website she wants me to write for

I told her I would do it by Wednesday

Maybe I'll do it today

I'm not even sure what I would say in it

I've already written about our story

But she's not asking for how we met

She wants a real love story

I'd need to dig real deep for that

Especially because there have been so many obstacles

But that's love

When you stick it through no matter what

Love conquers all

Perhaps that's how I'll start it or what I'll name it

That's really the story of our love

There will always be obstacles and trials

It sucks that they never end

No matter how many times you go through something

There's always something new to climb over

There's always more to learn

It reminds me of that quote in Love Jones

"Falling in love ain't s$#%. Will someone please tell me how to stay there?!"

Gosh I need to see that movie

I've been feening for it for a while

Sucks that we only have it on VHS

I need to buy it

When I get some money

Oh! I found it on youtube!

They really don't make movies like this anymore

Love Jones still remains my favorite movie of all time

But back to what I was saying

Dude was on the verge of something brilliant when he dropped that line

Staying in love is a topic for the best of minds to study

How to love when the dust settles and it's just two people

Two people standing there with all flaws exposed

Love is not about the tingly feeling

It's about hard work

MJ and I have put in the work

We have prayed, cried, fought, and talked until we were blue in the face

Some might say that's too much

Maybe he's not the right one for you

Well let me tell you something

I want to get married and be married to a man that loves me

No matter which man I choose, we are going to get into it

MJ, however, is the man who chooses to stay in it

MJ is the man who has stamina and endurance

Not to mention he's the man who makes my toes curl...

...in a good way

But anyway, that's enough about my personal business

I'm about to watch Love Jones to start my day

Toodles

A Day In A Snowstorm

7:38 - Woke up and shifted through my early morning thoughts for a while

8:00 - Signed on to the work email and checked personal email/fb/blogs etc.

8:30 - Showered and actually put real clothes on. Not house clothes (so sick of house clothes by now), but actual clothes that I could be seen in!

8:50 - Made up my bed and closed shop on the room. Today is the day where I get up and out of the bedroom. I wasn't in it all day yesterday either, but I specifically don't need to be in there today. It's too dark and small for my mood today.

8:55 - Worked. The files are either corrupt or don't work on my Mac. Sent a couple of emails seeking assistance. It's hard working from home. I play on a Mac. I work on a PC.

9:45 - Ate breakfast that my sister cooked for the family. Omelettes, toast and grits. Mmm. We also shared the daily scripture together. As usual, the scripture was right on time.

10:15 - Back to work. I realized that the files were coming in corrupt on my Mac, so I had to go to the basement to use my parents Dell. Everything worked fine down there. "Please turn up the heat mom! I'm freezing down here!" My sister comes down with her Teach for America and grad school work. I guess she just wants to be near me.

12:50 - Got tired of working. Went to check my IM and gmail. No new IM messages. Only junk in the inbox. Delete, delete, delete. Went upstairs to look in the refrigerator. I'm not hungry but I need a snack. How about some watermelon?

2:30 - Back to work. The job is bothering me about some survey that I need to take. I started the thing. Hopefully I'll finish it before the day is up.

3:30 - My parents wanted me to join them in on a workshop about marriage. How To Decide To Have A Successful Relationship. This was really helpful! In the process of the workshop, I sent my fiance what my needs and irritations are, which I promised him I would do. The workshop enhanced my understand of what it takes to make relationships work. One thing I learned is that it's always about the other person.

6:30 - Dinner Time. Leftovers here I come.

Spiritual Goals

• Increase my share in the ministry - I was reminded today that the way to maintain my faith is to teach others. When you teach others what God's word says, it sharpens you.
• Maintain regular personal Bible study - I have to do more than attend a Sunday service to really get it. I need time alone with the scriptures to meditate on what I'm learning and figure out how to apply it in my life. More emphasis is needed on how to apply the information to my every day walk.
• Be prepared - It's important to be prepared. I come across topics and conversations every day that could give me the opportunity to mention what the Bible says. By anticipating questions and people's feelings on subjects, I can infuse Bible information into the discussion that may help a person. To be prepared, I have to study.
• Widen out my association - I want to be surrounded by people who are like-minded when it comes to spirituality. Not just people my age, but those from different walks of life. I don't want to simply leave it at speaking to different ones at my place of worship. Rather I would like to spend time outside of our spiritual activities getting to know them.
• Apply God's principles in the little things - I'm okay when it comes to avoiding murder and lying and the other huge no no's. =) What I would like to improve on is the small stuff like keeping my room clean, getting annoyed with train riders who crowd my space and watching movies and listening to music that I couldn't watch while sitting next to Jesus.

What are your spiritual goals?

Writing Junk

I love to write, but unfortunately, I'm limited on ideas. I visit other people's blogs such as abelleinbrooklyn or VSB hoping to snatch up a bit of inspiration. Sadly, I always walk away empty-handed. All the topics are the same... what a good black man is, the oh-so-common list of relationship pains, how to get along better in our communities, the nonsense that's happening in the news and media, the latest racial misfortune, etc. It's always the same. Different toilet, same crap. You would think that I would be able to write on such subjects as a young, bright, plugged-in leader of our time, but I can't. I just can't do it..... What did you say?....You want to know why?... I'm so glad you asked! I have two reasons that I know will shut up any holes into why I probably could be more creative or try harder. Here they are.

I don't want to be like everyone else! What successful blog or article out there doesn't surround DRAMA? Please do me a favor and find one. What I've seen lately has been down-right monotonous. If I see another article on why black women can't seem to find a man or any other version of said topic, I will scream. Shutup already. Where is the variety? Oh, well the blogs that are full of variety are way out in the gaps of cyberspace that no one can seem to find. How unfortunate.

Secondly, I know too much. I have too much Bible knowledge that is. Any issue that arises, I can pretty much shut down with a scripture. And all of it surrounds the concept of love. After you put self-sacrificing God and Jesus type love up in the picture, the discussion is done. Talk about a buzz kill. People feed off of drama and some type of rude or degrading shocking topic. It's what most blogs and articles are based off. And if I cut off the drama by telling someone to love someone else more than they love themselves because that's what GOD did, or if I shut down the rude and shocking topic by telling someone to love themselves and stop being so self-degrading because your whole body is a vessel that GOD has given you out of the kindness of his heart, there will be nothing left to say. I mean, anyone can argue with me all they want, but there's no denying the Bible's truths. They are clear cut, true and appropriate for all instances. So yeah... my blogs, well the blogs that would be of interest to others, would be of no consequence.

Back to the drawing board!

Job Hunting

Lord, please deliver me from this job. I thought that I would regret the decision to leave. I contemplated asking my manager if I could work part time on a permanent basis instead of for the 6 weeks we discussed. Well, today is another Monday on the job and it's clear. Can't do it. Won't do it. I'm looking forward to March 22nd.

This sudden career change has got my wheels spinning...yet again. I should probably begin writing again. All those song lyrics, poems, blogs and stories I have. What am I doing with them? Why are they not in circulation? My love for photography has never died. Perhaps I should pick my camera up again and begin working. Or what about my love for the performing arts. Besides my time at the magazine, my second favorite position was with The Lincoln Center. Why am I not getting paid for my passions? And why is it that I always revert back to my first loves in a time of crisis?

This is my time. I am a business woman. Not a woman who sits back and waits for her break. The power to be happy professionally is within my control. I will push and pursue my desirable course. I am a minister, a photographer, a writer, a coordinator of art events, and a professional financier. There is no reason for me to be miserable. I will make my own schedule and determine what works for my obligation to Jehovah and what works for me. This is my time.

Here I come!