Tuesday, February 23, 2010

So Much To Say

Oh goodness. I have so much to say but so little time!

I'll start with this. If anyone was to ever write my life story, it would be about love. I've been in an on again off again love affair and I'll never begin to understand how my love, my one true love, manages to stick with me through thick and thin. And I must say that there have been a LOT of thin times. One time in particular happened not too long ago though, just last week actually, where I nearly blamed him for my unhappiness. I actually stated that I couldn't believe things were turning out this way when I was doing everything he wanted me to do. He promised me it would be okay, yet it wasn't. Now...my love had every reason to drop me at that very moment. He could have froze up, told me that what I said was unforgivable, chosen to abandon me, or even worse stayed with me while keeping feelings of hurt and anger towards me inside. But my love never did that. Instead, my love did nothing but love me back. And THAT is the very reason why I'm smiling at this moment. Through my faith in his forgiveness, he in turn has given me peace. I mean it really makes no sense. I've done him so dirty ya'll. You don't even want to know. And I feel really really really bad for stating that I felt like he abandoned me. That man never abandons and he never says that he takes time away from me to lick his wounds. He doesn't even know what that means or how to do that because his love for me is just that strong. So right now, my love and I are in an upswing. I'm happier than I've been in a long time and nothing can change this feeling. The tears of joy I cried yesterday attest to how dear he is to my heart. I will love him forever just as I know he will love me forever.

There are a lot of spiritually encouraging things you can do when you're down and out. You can read your Bible. You can say a prayer. You can dig into other resources that give you a spiritually uplifting word. But you'll never guess what has helped me the most during my time of need. To some this may be a shock, and to others you'll have no idea what I'm talking about but what, or I should say WHO helped me the most were the mature men of the congregation. There has been one elder in particular who has been my 100%, steadfast of a rock lifesaver. He's been on the other end of the phone while I've cried, asked questions, spoke my heart off, and even in times when I've been silent. But nevertheless, he's always been there uplifting me and giving me good one on one counsel. I was so against seeking out help from members of my congregation because of some hurt that came as a result of a few harsh words, but as soon as I opened myself up, my light became brighter. I thought that I could just read and figure it out on my own, but I was kidding myself. The many conversations that I've had with this particular brother has not only encouraged me, but has put me on the right path towards me being able to encourage myself. What I also love about the exchange is that he's shared some personal experiences with me as well. He's been where I've been and it's nice to hear someone say that. It's good to know that he was there, and came out the way he is now. Now that's awesome! My brother in Christ has done me wonders. I have to get him a thank you card or something, even though there are no words to express how grateful I am.

I'm proud of my dad. He's been stressing, but recently he opened his mind up to some counseling from his peers. He made the call, reached out and is now headed in a better direction. I know it's hard for a grown man with a family with service responsibilities to open up to a man with the same qualifications, but he did so anyway. He let go and let God.

"Satan, the ruler of this world, is a master at getting people to give in to negative thinking, pessimism, distrust, and despair." When I came home from the meeting tonight, my mom called me in her room and said 'did you see that line?! That's me!!!!' She said she even wrote in the margin of the book that housed that quote "Oh NO!" Lol. I thought that was funny. I'm glad she shared that with me. I'm glad she told me that she's going to change her thinking because she doesn't want Satan to win. She exposed the little jewel of her personality when she shared that with me. My mom often thinks she has all the answers, so this was nice to hear.

What TC commented in my last post is so true. I've been relying on another imperfect human being to satisfy my needs. But never should I have done so. Men are just as imperfect as women are and sometimes just might leave you hanging. But I have two things that I can lean on when my man is less than available. I have God and I have myself. Those are the two places where I can find happiness right? I'm surely getting it from God right now. I can feel it in my bones. What I need now is to make sure I'm getting it from myself, from within. Tomorrow is personal study day so perhaps that's what I'll focus on. How to make myself happy.

Oh, I almost passed out and fainted in the metro today. I was two seconds from calling 911 as the world swirled around me and I had to crouch to the ground. But I made it. I prayed, made it to work, managed to go back out and get some crackers, ginger ale, and soup to munch on throughout the day, and then had a pretty successful day. I think my appetite should come back soon so since I can't afford an emergency room bill, I'm looking forward to that day.

Buenas noches gente!

1 comment:

T.C. said...

and that's love! no matter what the issue the circumstances to remain strong and faithful to one another never turning your back on the other person...

you are extremely blessed to have a man that dispite it all NEVER walked away or turned his back on you because he loves you that much to work through it all WITH you...
not every man is willing or even capable of doing that

that's love...patience understanding, respect and acceptance...that's love

we are all human and we all fall short at times to err is human to forgive and hold on to one another is devine...

keep holding on

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