I Found A New Blog - Design Wonderland!

Ok. Now this is what I'm talking about! She's speaking of fashion summer reads, Breakfast at Tiffany's, beautiful maxi dresses and a reading nook. Why did I think I was the only one who found it necessary to have a reading nook tucked away somewhere? Look at this beauty! And remember where I was talking about the lack of lighting in the condo?! Look at THIS! She calls it the jewelry of a room. How bright! And you know I'm crazy for all things Audrey Hepburn. So this post spoke to me. I almost bought this book this weekend too! And this is exactly what I thought of doing for the patio. Putting a rug up on a wall! I mentioned it to the husband and he looked at me like I was crazy.

It feels so good to be validated. I either mention or talk about these loves with my husband but he doesn't get it. Lighting, Audrey, and personal nooks are just a passing thought. It's just iPhone upgrades, MacBook accessories and all things electronic or game-like up in our house.

I guess I'm being so hard on him because I feel so unfullfilled right now.

Anyway, I'm glad I found this blog! If you can't get inspiration from your own life, you have to take it from somewhere! Thank you Design Wonderful!

Morning Bird

I love this song. Sade speaks.

How could you
You are the river
Pour out of this life
How could you
You are the morning bird
Who sang me into life
Everyday fly away
You are the blood of me
The harvest of my dreams
There's no where I can find peace
And the silence won't cease
Nothing is quite as it seems
And my joy won't let me be
If you set me free I will not run

- Morning Bird by Sade

Today's a music day.

10 Things...

(Usually if I'm bored or lazy, it's because I'm missing inspiration in my life. Everything I do has a source of inspiration. If I'm not inspired, I'm not me.)

Essence Magazine has inspired me once again. That's why I love this magazine. I'm reading it from cover to cover and came across an article called "20 Things...Every Black Woman Should Experience". Now some of these things I can't quite do as their not in line with who I am as a Christian woman BUT what I can do is create my own list interwoven with a few stolen ones from my favorite magazine. This is going to be fun...

1. Vacay Under the Tuscan Sun. I fell in love with the scenery in this movie. Every time I see the rolling hills and the winding cobblestone paths, my breath is stolen. I want to take an Italian trip to Tuscany, Venice, Milan, Florence, and whatever other hidden gems there are with my sister and mother. AND have money to spend while there! I want the ultra chic, glam experience with my favorite two women.

2. Blow A Paycheck. Just once, I want to blow a paycheck, yes an ENTIRE paycheck, on something ridiculously expensive like a Louboutin heels, a Ports 1961 dress or a Gucci bag. A lady of my circumstances, i.e. - a regular, working woman, normally only dreams of such things. But what if I could become true, just once?

3. Do A Full Photoshoot. I want to be in front of a real photographer, with wardrobe and a stylist to create memories that'll last forever.

4. Live Abroad. I regret not studying abroad. The one reason I would choose to rewind my life right (because my current life is oh so good!) is to take classes abroad in London. I thought about attending grad school at London Business School when that time swung around. While I'm disappointed that I didn't jump at the experience, I know it wasn't right for me at the time. Still...I want to live somewhere else for a few months and step out of the walls that are the U.S. AND while I'm in England, Italy, Hawaii, St. Thomas or whever I am, I want to take a cooking class!

5. Write a book. Gosh. I'm even afraid to really put this out there on my list. I think I'm afraid of the work and commitment. I'm afraid of failing too. Still yet, I know that I'll regret not trying.

6. Quit A Job I Hate. Oops! Already did that! No regrets there! I am completely liberated!

7. Party All Night Long With My Husband. This shouldn't be that unreachable but we're just not that type of people. But just once, I'd like to party all night like we did on our first date. Just us among a sea of strangers.

8. Partake In A Summer Rain. How free would I be while standing in a summer rain with not a care in the world. Everytime I ask someone to do this with me, s/he looks at me like I'm crazy or gives me an outright NO.

9. Be Onstage Again. I played Candy in a 2 hour play back in college and loved the experience. I didn't know I was good until my director told me so. Whether I was singing, dancing or acting, I was alive. I miss it.

10. Tap Into My Strong Side. I want to go through archeological tombs like Lara Croft or race a car like the tough chicks in Fast And The Furious or kick some butt like Charlie's Angels! I'm not joking either. I don't just have a penchant for my girlie side. I'm a tough chick too, when I wanna be. A little strong sista adrenalyn rush will do my body good.

What about you?

Baby-Making and Other Things

Funny that there are new blog templates today because when I saw this one, it matched exactly with how I'm feeling. I might not keep it though because I can't imagine writing a 'pure bliss' blog with this background. Kinda solemn right?

I'm not sure why my mood matches this blog template today. There's nothing wrong. Life is great. My husband is great. I really have no reason to complain. On the way to work however, I got a sudden urging to turn off my music, roll down the window and feel the breeze. It was nice. It wasn't too hot or too cold so the air and the smell of the trees were like a brand new pair of shoes. I guess I just miss nature. I'm tired of always have to deal with people. People can be draining. Nature though, it doesn't bother you. If anything, people bother it. Maybe I'll go down to my secret place by the river in Annapolis this weekend. At least I would like to. But we have so much to do. I have service in the morning and then we desperately need to clean the house. We've been waiting for our natural cleaning products to be delivered (I can't for the life of me deal with cleaning products that smell like Clorox - last time I used them, I felt like I was dying), and along with the wait came dirt. Tomorrow is our heavy cleaning day. But I'm afraid that I'll miss the best portion of the day if I clean right after service. Maybe we'll clean Saturday night. We're not going anywhere.

I'm getting closer and closer to thinking about printing out my 'the best of j.a.c.' work from this blog. It's time to compile some literary charm into a mini book of some sorts. My husband and I had a little photo shoot last night which reminds me that I need to get back on my photography game. A mini book of writings and photos. Sounds good. Can I kick off the laziness and get to it?

In my dreams last night, I was very upset with my mother. She was walking around acting like she had no regard for the feelings of others. She was very arrogant and non-chalant about what mattered to others. Maybe that's why I woke up tight this morning.

I'm not interested in having children. My husband is fine with that. He had a dream that I got pregnant he ended up crying and wailing about how our lives were over. That's exactly how I feel. I'm sure the joy of having a child will surpass all the responsibility and hard work, but I'm not ready for that responsibility and hard work. And neither should we. We JUST got married. I don't know, however, if these feelings will ever leave. I did research in some Bible literature last night on why families decide to stay childless. I initiated the research because as I read Genesis 1:28 which says, "God said to them: “Be fruitful and become many and fill the earth and subdue it, and have in subjection the fish of the sea and the flying creatures of the heavens and every living creature that is moving upon the earth,” " I began to take the command personally. One of my co-workers said to me recently, "Why get married if you're not going to have children?" His questioning is somewhat justified because according the scripture above, that's what Jehovah wanted us to do. After he made Adam and Even he told them to be fruitful, become many and fill the earth. We all know that Jehovah's standards don't change so why am I justified in not wanting to have children as a married woman. Well my research shows that it's not fear of responsibility and hard work that couples should use as a reason. If couples choose to remain childless, they do so in order to be free from distractions in God's service and to serve Him more whole-souled. So of course, that got me to thinking. Right now, I don't want to have kids for twe reasons. 1.) so that I can be free from responsibility and 2.) because the world is advancing from bad to worse and I don't want to raise a child in these wicked times. I'd honestly rather wait until this world passes away. The Bible gives clear evidence that we are living in the last days. It says in 2 Timothy 3 that "in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up [with pride], lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God, having a form of godly devotion but proving false to its power; and from these turn away." Matthew 24:7 tells about the last days again when it says, "For nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be food shortages and earthquakes in one place after another. All these things are a beginning of pangs of distress." Now if these things aren't already taking place then I'm losing my mind. And if we aren't close to the end, then the Bible is lying, and we know there's no way that could be true. So if we're nearing towards the end, why have children? Why not wait until the new system in which God promises we'll have where there will be peace, no more sickness and no more death? (Revelation 21:4) Anyway, what I've gotten out of this at the end of it all is that I need to step it up. Since I've decided to stay out of the baby-making business, I need to take advantage of the freedom and concetrate on Jehovah even more than I am. It's time to get to work. Now all I need is a little push. =/

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

Ok.
It's time.
It's 9:59am.
My husband is walking into the interview of his life.
Oh goodness.
Hmm.
Why am I nervous?!
We studied.
I tested him.
We re-tested.
He'll be fine.
I wonder how he's feeling right now.
Is he confident?
Is he walking tall?
Is he smiling?
OMG!
It's TEN O'CLOCK!
Woooo saaaaaa.
Now all I have to do is wait.
Gosh I hope he does fine.
We worked for it.
I don't understand how he couldn't be fine.
We worked for this.
I wonder what he's saying right now.
They're probably doing a little small talk.
Or maybe they're giving him his first question right now.
I hope that his heart isn't beating out of his chest.
It's always when you're heart beats out of your chest that you feel the most nervous.
I prayed for a calm to come over him.
I prayed for Jehovah's holy spirit to be with him.
*Deep breath*.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall.
At least for the first 10 minutes.
After 10 minutes of observation, I can know whether he has it in the bag or not.
Oh man I love that man.
Not matter whether he gets the job or not, I'm proud of him.
He's so smart.
They'd be a fool to pass him up.
It'll be their loss.
And I know that they know that.
I really believe that he'll get the job.
It's 10:08.
I have another 52 minutes to go.
And probably more.
What should I do while I wait?
I need to be distracted.
I'll watch a show on my laptop.
(I spelled it right babe!)
It's 10:09 now.
I wish I could be with him and hold his hand!
Ok, let me stop.
Woman up J.
Let's get it together.
Distractions here I come.

The Man

There was once a man who saved my life
I'm not quite sure where I was headed
But I know that it wasn't where rainbows live
My heart was hurting and I felt my insides break
I prayed and prayed for a cool sample of relief
As soon as I said Amen, there he was
There was once a man who saved my life

I'm At That Place

I got a two compliments today! And it's not even the compliments that excite me. It's the fact that I got two! And I got them within one hour of each other! I must be glowing today. Which is funny because I feel like crap. I just can't get enough sleep. And it's not because I'm a newlywed either so get your minds out of the gutter. My husband is taking me on a trip to Williamsburg on this long holiday weekend so maybe I'll catch up. It's supposed to rain a lot too. A rainy weekend away with the man I love is perfect.

One more hour. This has been the first long day I've had on my new job. The days usually go by quick. Now I'm begging the clock to speed up.

I started on the thank you cards. I'm debating on whether I should take them with me so I can write some on the trip down. I usually don't sleep as much as the hubby so I can use the mornings to get them done instead of doing what I normally do - messing with him until he wakes up... lol.

I'm watching Girlfriends as I type. This show has had a good effect on me. I'm jealous of these girl's style. I do realize that they are on a tv show, but they're always so put together. Hair is done, their clothes match and their feet never seem to hurt in their stilletos. =) Hence, I care about my hair more, I pay attention when I get dressed in the morning and I wear heels almost everyday. Yay! Hmm. Maybe that's why I got those compliments. Oooooooh. I know why I might be getting these compliments! It's because I have a weave! You know how men are about long hair. My own husband swore that he hated weave, but as soon as I told him that I was going to get it out, he frowned and asked me to keep it in. As soon as I get this wedding weave out, I'm going to get my hair cut back to the way it was. Short, sharp and sassy. I felt so good about myself when my hair was short. I think that I wear my hair the best that way. Even my sister said that I was fierce back then, and she loves long hair.

Twenty minutes to go...I can't believe that I'm married. I just looked down at my hands and all I saw were my engagement ring and wedding band. I have diamonds on my left ring finger! Gosh I feel grown. You remember back in the day when you were a freshman in high school and you used to look at the seniors and think they were so much older and cooler than you? And you couldn't wait to be their age? And you thought the day would never come when you would be at that place? Well, that's how I feel. I'm finally at that place I've been looking towards. And I can't believe it's here!!! I'm going out of town with my husband tonight and this is for real!!!! How about that folks?! Alright. I got 5 minutes to go. I need to pack it up. Have a great weekend!

Thank You For Responding

Yay! I actually got more than one comment on my last post! That's what's up! I'm still surprised that people are even reading this thang. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but sometimes a girl would like a little feedback, ya know? But it's cool. I appreciate the responses and it makes me feel nice to know that people would rather me stay and write than not.

Anonymous is right. This blog is ME. While I am unified in heart, soul and body with a man, this right here is something that I have all for myself, by myself. Therefore it's important to keep. I don't know what I was thinking. I NEED to write. Who am I kidding? I'd lose my mind if I didn't have a blog. I still have this nagging feeling though that what was, no longer is. Subsequently, something should be different. There should be a tweak in here somewhere...I don't know. Is it as simple as changing the layout of my blog? Maybe it's continuing to write at a new blog address. I wish I could make a demarcation of sorts to separate the old from the new. Or maybe I'm just being extra. I AM menstruating. (This is my blog so I can say that.)

So T.C. says to write about black love... I might have said this before, but it's hard! Yes I'm happy. Yes I'm thankful for such a great husband. And yes, I wholeheartedly believe that we have the ingredients to success that a lot of married people don't have. But doesn't that sound too arrogant and cocky? Not to mention premature considering I've only been married for 20 days. What should I know?! I'm still in the honeymoon phase. I don't know the meaning of success yet. So how can I write about it? What most people probably need is an honest of example of what to do in the hard times. Because let's face it...it's not the good times that we're concerned with. But what I've become more conscious of is putting my business out there. I don't know if my husband wants to click on my blog one day and see our latest edition of WWF's King Meanie versus Queen Attitudey splattered all over the net. When I first started this blog, I was so honest it made no sense. And it felt GREAT! But what tends to happen over time is that people you know start getting a hold of your blog address and the filter starts jacking up your process. Bottom line is that I can't be as forthright as I want. While I try to maintain an honest atmosphere, I can't be as honest as I want to be on this blog. And my definition of honest is being detailed. I'm a writer. Description and colorful vocabulary are my friends.

I wish I could do something with this writing so I can feel like there's a point. But then again, I'm afraid of putting my writing into a box. I am happy to say though that I'm a featured blogger on a bridal site for Washington DC area brides. Every Friday, I'm shining a little wisdom on the bridal world and I'm proud of it. I dread having to think of ideas for the site, but once I'm writing, it's nice. It sucks that many people don't know about my participation on the site, but the older ones in my family don't feel it's appropriate to write about yourself or the ones you know on the world wide net. The last time I wrote my feelings down on this very blog and shared it with them, I was attacked. I ended up having to delete the posts. It's just a generation thing though. They'd have heart attacks over twitter if they ever got up on it. I don't even like twitter.

What I do want to get back to are those sexy, little mini stories I used to write. Remember this one? (click here) It's so surreal reading that considering where I am today. (I think I need to call my husband when I'm finished here.) I love that little piece of writing. It came from a very real place. A peaceful yet longing place. I'd like to get back there. To a place where it's so real I can't help but to pen beautiful expressions. I think I just need to read more. When I have a good book full of extravagant adjectives, well thought-out metaphors and exploding moods, I'm inspired. I think it's about time I focused on that coffee table book I've always wanted to put out. Hmm....

Final Blog?

I'm thinking about shutting Zuri She Wrote down. (If there are any objections, please let me know cuz I might be easily swayed!)
Not only have I been away for a while, but I'm starting a new phase of life.
Marriage is a whole new ball game and I'm no longer the lady I was when I started this journey back in '06.
I'm not just a lady anymore.
I feel like a dag on grown woman with a whole 'nother human being to take care of.
My husband needs me.
And I love it.

My creative juices are flowing again.
I've been thinking about a couple of projects.
Some home related and others just for me.
I'm interested in getting my JJ successful swag on while my husband gets his successful on.
If things go according to our desires, my husband will be moving on up in his career.
It's something he really really wants, so I'm sure he'll come across the reward in just a few.
As for me.. I love my job but I know that since I'm not living up to my potential, I need to supplement it with my own projects.
It's time to start putting things into action.
If you want to do, just do it right?

Well, this blog won't completely be left...
I have some plans for it.
And I'm sure there will be some times when a fire will burn inside of me to write.
Just wait and see.
This blog has gotten me through a lot of things.
I owe much of my sanity to these pages.
Writing will never be done away with.
I love it too much and I know that it loves me.

Feigning

I'm feigning for two things right now.

My soon to be husband... (10 days and counting!)



...And SHOES!!

Gosh I want these! I need some new shoes! It's been too long!

Nordstrom here I come!?

15 Days To Go!

It's starting! It's really happening and I'm getting really excited guys. I didn't expect to be this excited so this is truly a surprise. My bridal shower is in less than 4 days which marks the true beginning of wedding madness. Well, my mom and girlfriends might feel differently about when all the wedding madness started, but being on the sidelines for so long (willingly I might add), I finally get to come out and play! I'm sorta nervous too though. Being the center of attention makes my stomach drop, but I'll get over it. There aren't too many of these types of occasions in life. =)

I finally got a job. I am the new receptionist/administrative assistant at Optimization Consulting, Inc. No more high-powered jobs for me. I'm still rolling with the Director and CFO of the company, but this time it's different. I'm no longer responsible for determining the company's budget in 2 hours when such a task normally takes a week. The stress levels from my last three positions as Financial Analysts, Staff Accountant, and Ad Revenue Analysts are night and day compared to what I do now. Ironically, I feel more powerful and in control now than I ever have. When the CFO picked up the set of binders I made for the insurance paperwork today, he said "Where have you been all my life?!" I'm not sure how anyone could mess up putting binders together, but hey, I'll take it. The fact of it is that I'm 110% competent in this job whereas I was wrecking my brain to become 95% competent in the others. I was always praised for my work, but this time, I'm fully confident. This time, I feel like I could run the world. This job is doing amazing things for my confidence. I even dress differently now. The heels are back on, I'm pulling out jewelry I haven't worn in ages, and my hair has been styled differently for the last three days I've been around the OCI staff. It's amazing what changes can do for you. There's this one lady on the staff who always seems to look at me over the tip of her nose as if I'm a nobody. But it's cool. I just smile.

I'm reading a book called "Becoming the Woman God Wants Me to Be" by Donna Partow. AWESOME book. It covers the capable wife scriptures in Proverbs all the way from my faith foundations to healthy eating to personal appearance to household management. I'm supposed to read one chapter a day as it's "a 90-day guide to living the Proverbs 31 life". I hope that I can keep it up because I already can see the benefits of the book. While stepping into the role of wife, it'll help me in ways unimaginable. I just know it. I keep cheating by shuffling around to different chapters but I'm going to start the book right on Monday since that's what it tells you to do. It says that I need a personal notebook, a monthly calendar, tab dividers and pocket pages. The book even has worksheets in the back on menu planning/grocery shopping, debt reduction strategy and Bible study. I'm excited!

Did I mention that I got hired to write for District Bride Guide? Your local DC wedding resource? It's actually a volunteer position, but I'm happy that I was chosen out of a number of applicants to be a part of a blog that will give me opportunities to put my work out there. I have a regular spot on Fridays to write about the human side of weddings. You know... the emotions, the uncomfortable situations, the stressed out relationships... I offered to write about that because I've had my fair share of ups and downs around my wedding. The experiences that I've had are going to help others, so I'm grateful.

I did quite a bit of personal Bible study last night before trekking down to Waldorf to find a vase for the wedding reception. Arriving home a mere 15 minutes after clocking out of the job helps to get much done in the afternoons. =) Anywho, I was so moved while considering the role that prayer has in a Christian's life. My weekly Bible studies with one of the sister's in the congregation has compelled me to dig deeper into things. I like meeting with her. Now that I'm working, we have to re-arrange our study times, but I'm looking forward to expressing how I feel about prayer with her.

So... life is totally good. I have not one complaint which I am so happy about. I'm actually tearing up right now. Gosh. Things have been so hard. So so so hard. And now... Wait... Let me get it together. I can't cry at work. Lol. Number one rule - Never Cry At Work. (A rule I broke all the time at my last job.) Deep breath... Ok. I'm good now. Jehovah has truly taken care of me. (Starting to cry again... smh.) All the pieces of my life are falling into place in a way that I could have never imagined. I am so happy. I'm back to being me, I'm not stressed out about work, my studies with others and on my own are going well, counseling is opening my eyes, my relationship with my mom is great again, my sisters are warm with love, and I'm getting married in 15 days. I feel like Jill Scott in the first "Why Did I Get Married" series when she was telling her girls about the love she found and transformation she made while staying in Colorado with Troy. I'm so full. My heart is bursting with joy. I pray that I always remember this feeling. THANK YOU JEHOVAH.

Bible Reading

I just finished my Bible reading in 1 Samuel. I love reading about how one of the greatest kings in the first century came to be. David is a great example for everyone to really learn from. I think what impresses me most about David is his meekness and humility. David knew that he would be a king, which meant that he really didn't need to fear anything. Even though Saul was trying to kill him, David could have used his knowledge and got all big and bad in Saul's face. But he didn't. David remained the meek ole' David that he started out as. Now I know that David loses his mind later on and starts sinning against God, but I like where David's roots are. He had a good foundation.

Like David, I want a good foundation. At heart, I want to be a good person. I want a humble heart and a meek attitude. I want people to see me as a Christian at heart so that I can be an example or an inspiration like David is an inspiration to me.

You know, David is my favorite Bible character. I identify with him more than any other person in this Bible. Moreso because David messed up bad and did all he could to make things right with his God. I think he did that because of who he really was at heart. That goes right back to his foundation. David was a noble man who was human and made mistakes, but yet picked himself back up and still ended up being a friend of Jehovah. Mmmm. I have an affinity for that man. I can't wait to meet him!

Mood: Annoyed

I'm all about the Dweles, Sades, Maxwells and Jill Scotts. I need nothing but soothing-ness right now. My soul is feeling a bit interrupted. I don't know what it is cuz I'm not ovulating, but I just need calmness. Maybe it has to do with the weather.

Trying to find someone to go to the last home Wizards game with me. But the task is proving unsuccessful. I need more friends. Guess I'll go by myself.

I really don't want to go back to my parents house. I need a moment alone. Goodness. I don't want to answer any questions or be told to do anything. I just want quiet.

I hate how I've been looking. My body. These clothes. This hair. I'm going to wash it tomorrow and leave it wild or something. I don't care what anyone says anymore. My dad and MJ don't like it. I need to do what I want to do to feel like something. I'm tired of being put in a box.

This isn't turning out to be a good blog.

Blogging From The Berry

New York leaves me with a bittersweet feeling. I love the self-esteem boost it gives me. I never fail to hear plenty of "georgeous!", "fine!" or "you are bad!" shout outs. It never gets old. Just when I think I'm not attractive, complete strangers validate me all over again. On the other hand, I'm always hosed down with a dose of hard work. Whether it's lugging heavy bags through 10 blocks of crowded streets or waiting for a mode of transportation in unforgiving weather. Either way, there's no place like the city. I love it and I hate it. In particular, I love it because I can unapologetically be me. Me and "fine!"

Am I ovulating? Because my mind is racing. I'm in one of those 'Window Seat' moods. "Can I get a window seat/Don't want nobody next to me". I feel like sitting on a cross country bus and staring out the window into open road. I'm thinking of those paintings you see where a woman is alone and looking out into the distance. The spring breeze might be blowing through her hair or she could be sitting on a porch in the deep south with a jar of lemonade beside her. I'm especially reflective today, like one of those woman.

I'm sitting in Au Bon Pain on the top floor of "the world's largest store" - Macy's. There are a lot of people eating alone like myself. I wonder how many of them are truly alone. Are any of them lonely? Ironically, they're all doing what I'm doing. Scrolling/messaging/fiddling throught their phones. There's no time to be alone when you have a phone in your hands. Sometimes I wish technology could disappear.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Forming A Habit - Again

I just finished reading an article that really hit me. Not too long ago, I wrote a blog about my desire to form a habit. I haven't been doing so well in that area. My efforts to read the Bible daily have been lackluster at best. What's interesting is that I love doing the weekly Bible study program that my school assigns, so much so that I sometimes have trouble waiting for my fiance to do it together on Saturdays. But reading it twice is never a harm right? In any case, the article I studied really got me going in terms of my Bible reading and personal study. There was a footnote in the article that encouraged me to consult my Theocratic Ministry School textbook. This is what it said: "Why has Jehovah chosen to have his grand purposes written down in a book? So that people can consult his written Word...consider [His] wonderful works...and commit to memory God's practices. Our appreciation for Jehovah's generosity in this matter is best shown by the way that we apply ourselves to reading his life-giving Word." Wow, homie. I never thought about it that way. God went through all this trouble of producing stories, prophecies, counsel, proverbs, poetry, details and real-life examples just so that what? So that we can put the Bible on the shelf and only pick it up when we want to? That just wouldn't seem right. God worked on this Bible for me. So how better could I show my appreciation for what He did than to read it and apply it to my life? The Bible is not to be taken lightly.

So I need to work on forming that habit again. The key to doing so is regularity. If I can do this, I'll be a pretty sharp sista! You know what I'm saying?!

Off to do some reading!

3rd Post Today - Not Feminine Enough

Yeah yeah yeah. I got a lot to mention today.

So I just finished hanging up all my spring/summer clothes. Finally. While doing so, something my fiance said to me popped in my head. "You haven't been looking very feminine lately." When he initially said that to me, I wasn't offended. I defended myself and moved on. But lately, his comment has been pricking me in the eyeball. I lost a lot of weight recently, and consequently, none of my clothes fit the way they used to - which means that nothing is tight. So if I put two and two together in the enlightened fashion that I do, well fitting to tight clothing = feminine. Of course he's going to say that's not it or it's not what he meant, but it's really easy to read into the fact that I'm not looking feminine anymore because my clothes don't fit me like a glove. Call me crazy but I thought that you can look feminine no matter what if your hair is done, you have earrings in your ears, have makeup on your face, carry a purse, wear heels, and switch when you walk. But I guess that's not enough. I don't know if anyone has ever noticed, but Janet Jackson wears baggy clothes all the time, but still looks fancy fresh. But what I'm learning is that mister man doesn't like anything baggy on me.

There's a fine line I tell ya. I'm 27 years old and I don't wear tight revealing clothes like I used to. But yet there's always a way for a 27 year old woman to done tailor made clothes that give her the appearance of a nice silhouette. Unfortunately, I don't have tailor made clothing money. So what is a girl to do while she's broke and skinny? I guess suck it up and keep it moving while she tries desperately to gain weight all the while holding fast to her self-esteem. I'm beautiful no matter what and I have to remember that. Bump what everyone else says. Feminine or not, I'm me.

Wedding Money

The wedding can be no more than 40 people. That means family, a few of the elders and that's it. We're trying to figure out a way to include more people with separate celebrations but for the ones who are long distance, it doesn't really make sense for them to fly in if it's just for a post-wedding party right? I want to ask specific ones how they would feel, but mums the word for now. I don't want to speak on things that don't exist yet. Invitations are such a touchy thing. So sensitive. I'm glad no one has come right out and asked for one though. My baptism was the most important day of my life. If anyone wants an invitation for something, they should have asked for that one.

I'm excited though. Only 30 days to go. I'm not going to lie. One of the most exciting parts of all this are the gifts. I'm sooooo broke right now that I'm actually looking forward to counting dollar signs. If I had a job, I wouldn't think so much on it. But this loan bill is going to hurt me if I can't put money on it after I get married. I really don't want to rely on money I don't have though. So let's find a job j.a.c. I need to make a spa appointment soon. I'm scared to put it on the credit card, especially because these things are usually so expensive, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I gotta get my lady jewels taken care of. I also want to order a bridal name change kit that has all the forms needed to change my last name. DMV, social security, passport, IRS, etc. but I gotta wait on that too. MJ is applying for a government position, so even if I don't find a job anytime soon, we'll be fine if he gets the job. We've been praying a lot lately over our job searches.

What else needs to be done? Oh. We need to paint the bedroom and order the Ikea wardrobe we picked out. Thankfully Uncle Jim sent us a little pre-wedding assistance to purchase these items. We've actually had the paint for a while. It's been sitting by the door in the condo for months. I hope Ikea still has the wardrobe. I can probably handle painting on my own if MJ preps the room for me. I'm off, so why not?

I wonder how my sisters feel about my pending nuptials. Since I announced the new date, I haven't heard anything from any of them but one. TC even asked me what the others said. Not a word. I guess that's what happens when you set a date, postpone it, plan nothing for a while, and then set another date. I'll send an email out seeing how everyone is though. It's been a while since I've felt sisterly camaraderie. (Lol. TC already replied with some exclamation points and cap letters. You can always count on her! LOL.)

Words

I'm sitting in bed with my back up against the headboard. The window is cracked, but not enough to feel the desirable breeze. I need some air. There's a long "to do" list waiting for me to tackle, but I'm enjoying the moment. The calmness. Calm is where it's at. My therapist says to lock it into adult - the calm part of us. No reason to catapult into over-emphasized emotions because someone else has lost their mind. Just lock it into adult. I can live in this pocket. A state of calm. There are images on my walls that I barely view. Art is supposed to transcend and cause reactions. I used to be an artist. But the art of writing seems to be lost. Text, I.M., Tweet. Who picks up a pen anymore? It's 10am. My Bible study is at 3pm. I'll get some air then, as we sit on the back porch under the Maryland sun, yet sheltered by a big, green umbrella. Time is of the essence. Let's start the clock.

Wedding Planning

I'm in full-fledged wedding planning mode again. And this time I'm excited! We've confirmed the date. May 7th. And no, this will not change. I don't care if I have to drag myself down the aisle. We are getting married on May 7, 2010 if it kills me. I just can't go through another date change. You hear me! Even though the wedding will be small this time around (the April 3rd wedding we planned was for 150+ people), I'm tempted to still put the date on blast so that there's no way we can take it back. But this time, there's really no reason to. We've gone through our fights and our hiccups and still have made it through. We've been tested, and guess what? We still love each other! Go figure! So basically, what I'm trying to say is that nothing will keep me from marrying that man on May 7th. Nothing.

So the dress is at my aunt's house hanging in her guest bedroom closet. I probably need to get the veil back so I can play with it in my hair.

I've decided to wear the old wine/red pumps that my fiance picked out when we first started dating. He loves those shoes. He thinks that they're really sexy and brags about how good of a job he did in picking them (and I must admit that his taste was dead on) so I thought it would be nice to wear them on our big day.

With a splash of red on my feet, I'm considering splashing my nails with red too. I need to set up some additional appointments for beauty regimens.

As far as the makeup goes, I'm want something natural. I did Hollywood glam for the engagement pics, so I want something softer this time around. I need my sis to make an appointment with the makeup artist for me... Ok. I just texted her.

Jewelry. Ugh. I can't even bring myself to figure that out. For some reason, jewelry is so hard for me! Next!

Wedding bouquet. I should probably google some florists today and find out where they get their flowers. I want to make my bouquet myself and have some of the mini cala lillies match my shoes. Perhaps future hubby's tie should match as well? We'll see about that.

Hair. So I have a hair appointment tomorrow at noon to try my other sis' stylist out. She doesn't know that I'll be surveying her work, but I hope she turns out well, because I don't have a plan B. I have an idea of how I want it to look, but I'm not saying too much in case there's a nosey man out there who's reading this.

Since we're having such a small wedding, the photographer/videographer will have to be on point. Future hubby is going to handle that. He mentioned something about his cousin who did all of his other family members weddings. I'm trusting his judgment on this one.

This evening, we're visiting the ceremony site as well as the restaurant that we want to have dinner at. I'm a lot less picky than my parents so if it's up to me, we'll have that signed, sealed and delivered tonight.

Invitations are awaiting the restaurant name, and that's done.

I had to mention to my mother that it's time to start planning a bridal shower. My future mom-in-law called me today and said "so i guess it's not a surprise huh". Nope. Since we've gone through so much back and forth with our wedding date, I figured I should initiate the planning and then let them keep the ball rolling. It's only fair. I know how confusing this all has been. My sisters are planning a less traditional, maybe even less conservative "ladies night in" event that the older ones are not invited to. I'm interested to see how it goes down. Should be fun! Oh. I need to give them a friends list for that. I should do that now.

For the ceremony, I want white lights and some candles. That should be simple. I might pick those up myself next weekend.

Honeymoon. Well I know we aren't really doing a true honeymoon yet, but MJ's dad mentioned helping us to a weekend away in Williamsburg or something like that. The Antigua honeymoon vacay will have to wait.

I'll go pick up his wedding band closer to the wedding. I'm excited to see it. My engagement ring has to be re-sized with my wedding band so I may need to drop it off a bit earlier.

I'm sure there's more but it'll come to me. I was trying to treat this as another small gathering with friends but it's not quite turning out that way. LOL. Se la vie!

Ran-dumb Thoughts

It's 3 something in the morning and I'm wide awake

Went through facebook

Stalking on other people's lives

I need to take more pics for my profile's sake

Stomach is making all sorts of noises

When I'm menstruating, it all goes down

The orchestra in my belly is tuning up

Been over a decade but I'll never get used to this

Had my first wives club outing

All of us sitting at happy hour with rings on our fingers

Never hung with my-aged brides before

Talking about life, husbands, plans, and love

Summer clothes are unpacked and ready to hang

Good thing I lived in LA and invested in cute dresses

Being broke ain't no joke when a new season rolls around

The new flirty 2010 wear will have to wait

I want to wake him up right now just because

He's probably snoring his way into ecstasy

Once he's out, he doesn't wake up

How will it be to sleep next to him for life?

I want to hear more about year one marriage

They say the first is the hardest

Is that why no one talks about it?

Where's all the counsel, advice and wisdom?

Have you heard the commercials?

The ones about Essure?

Permanent birth control without cutting?

Now THIS is genius!

Am I nervous about marriage?

Heck yes, especially there's no way to prepare

Sure you can sharpen the tools in your box - communication, love

But in this case, experience is the best teacher