I'm on my way to Maryland... My cousin is sitting next to me reading a book and my Nana and Aunt are seated behind us. Since we started on our journey 2 hours ago, I think my Nana has tapped me on the shoulder to ask me a question about 7 times. I love her to death but goodness gracious woman. Sit back and enjoy the ride in Bolt Bus's spacious and comfortable leather seats. It's going to be an interesting and jolly weekend. Everyone's going to be excited to see one another. As for me, I feel like I'm the one family member who has lived with or spent considerable and large amounts of time with everyone, which consequently kills a little bit if not all of my excitement. Because of my last two relocations, I've lived with all of my aunts, one of my uncles, and one of my cousins. I thought I knew my family before but now I know that my cousin and I are cousins only, and not friends. I now know that my uncle is a sexist and I also know my oldest aunt's wig size. I think it's about time I take back my own space. I think I might be rather quiet this Thanksgiving weekend. Fade into the background a bit while everyone else catches up. Even though I'm not a fan of other people's babies, I might just round them all up and take them to the park. Sit on the park bench and be still for a moment while they drain their energy.
If I could be anywhere right now, or when I get off this bus, it would be in the living room of my own house (if I had one). The room would be zen like, the candles would be lit, jazz would be on, and I would wear a large oversized cashmere sweater with lotioned legs. I would probably lay in the center of the plush carpet on my back with my legs up in the air and my eyes closed listening and thinking. My burgundy leather bound journal and my favorite pen would be next to me just in case I needed to flip over on my stomach and jot a thought down.
Do I love my family? Absolutely. Am I thankful for them? Everyday. But do I care to see them right now? Not really. I just need a break. I just need me.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Miley Cyrus and Stuff
I should be resting my achy, stuffy, sneezing head right now, but I have the urge to blog. About nothing in particular of course.
Is it wrong that I like Miley Cyrus's new song? "Don't you wish that you could be a FLY ON THE WALL!" Ha ha ha. I love it. I've seen her perform twice now. Once on the AMAs and tonight on the finale of Dancing with the Stars. If I was her age and had little to no voice, I'd be doing the same thing, so go 'head Miley! Make that money!
My job has been working the MESS out of me these last couple of days. It's almost like the memo went out that I won't 'be with them much longer so they shot the gun in the air and screamed, "GO GET HER! MAKE HER WORK!" Forget that. I'm done. No I can no longer supply you with a quote. No I don't have P&G's estimates for the year. No I don't have access to SAM data. Leave me alone! Can you believe the girl who's taking over my job had the audacity to cc me on an email saying that I would take care of something before I left. Oh Word?! I believe that tomorrow is my last day. j.a.c. doesn't go above and beyond anymore. Of course I was the only fool there to 5 o'clock these last past 2 days. All of my other laid off co-workers were gone at like 2pm today. Well not tomorrow. I purposefully cleared out my desk today and put my out of office, or out of Time Inc Forever message up. After going through my emails and dumping a whole bunch of forwards and FYI emails into the new girl's inbox, I'm going to drop off my papers to HR and be out! I should be there no longer than 2 hours tomorrow. Watch me.
I like "808s & Heartbreak". But I'm into that sad, meaningful stuff with a new sound. Coldplay, Frou Frou, etc. Kanye's actually speaking about something that resonates with me this time. I can feel his heart in his music, and I appreciate that. You know what it is? I can dance to it. Like get into the studio and choreograph to it. I like that.
I used to like Lisa on "The Housewives of Atlanta", but when she went off on Kim for putting it out in the open how she heard about NeNe's song, I lost respect for her. Lisa went dag on near crazy! Calling her a liar and threatening to push her over the couch. Lol. Push her over the couch. That's funny. If you told Kim, you told Kim! So what?! You said that you already apologized to NeNe for opening your big mouth, so why are you threatening to push Kim backwards over the couch and break her neck?! Calm down! Geez!
Drama. Gross. I have none and I'm so thankful for that. Don't nobody have time to deal with that mess. What does j.a.c. need ya'll?! I NEED PEACE.
I miss my car. I'm about to be 'reunited and it feels so goooooood!' I have a problem though. Since I've been in NY, I haven't bought not one actual compact disc. How am I going to ride around in my car without new music to blaze from the stereo? I could connect my ipod to my radio, but it's not the same. There's static in that thing. I guess I'll have to burn CDs from my iTunes library. But I hate bootleg looking CDs - titles of albums written in big black marker with someone's scratchy handwriting across the blank silver surface. That's so not sexy. Speaking of my car, I have about $8K left to pay on it!!! Wohooo! I'm about to OWN my car!
Jon B has a song on his new album "Helpless Romantic" entitled "The Ride of Our Lives". Oh man. I love it. It's about the joys of bringing a child into this world. Totally unexpected from Jon. The woman's voice on the track is absolutely beautiful. "Then you gave me life through a precious little girl. She changed my focus and helped me notice that that's what love is." I absolutely LOVE Jon B's voice. He doesn't look as good as he used to, but that voice is more perfect than ever.
My manager gave me a bouquet of hot pink roses in a pink and red vase for my bday. They were absolutely beautiful. I didn't realize how much I love flowers. Never thought I was that kind of girl. But they actually make me very happy. I bought myself a sunflower a couple of months ago, and was warm from the inside out having it next to me. Cheesy I know. But whatever. Your girl likes flowers! Sue me.
I'm trying to decide if I want the Blackberry Storm. I still have time to exchange my Curve. I need to test it out. I usually like for them to get the kinks out of it first and then pick up the 2nd generation model. We'll see though.
I did a photography shoot over the weekend for my girl who will be selling this shirt and bag on her site Chris Leeann Boutique. Look at some of my work. She's a gorgeous girl, isn't she?
I also modeled recently for the launch of a clothing line called Shauntele'. As soon as I have pics, I'll share those too.
Ok, it's past midnight. Time to drug myself up and go to sleep. Til tomorrow!
Is it wrong that I like Miley Cyrus's new song? "Don't you wish that you could be a FLY ON THE WALL!" Ha ha ha. I love it. I've seen her perform twice now. Once on the AMAs and tonight on the finale of Dancing with the Stars. If I was her age and had little to no voice, I'd be doing the same thing, so go 'head Miley! Make that money!
My job has been working the MESS out of me these last couple of days. It's almost like the memo went out that I won't 'be with them much longer so they shot the gun in the air and screamed, "GO GET HER! MAKE HER WORK!" Forget that. I'm done. No I can no longer supply you with a quote. No I don't have P&G's estimates for the year. No I don't have access to SAM data. Leave me alone! Can you believe the girl who's taking over my job had the audacity to cc me on an email saying that I would take care of something before I left. Oh Word?! I believe that tomorrow is my last day. j.a.c. doesn't go above and beyond anymore. Of course I was the only fool there to 5 o'clock these last past 2 days. All of my other laid off co-workers were gone at like 2pm today. Well not tomorrow. I purposefully cleared out my desk today and put my out of office, or out of Time Inc Forever message up. After going through my emails and dumping a whole bunch of forwards and FYI emails into the new girl's inbox, I'm going to drop off my papers to HR and be out! I should be there no longer than 2 hours tomorrow. Watch me.
I like "808s & Heartbreak". But I'm into that sad, meaningful stuff with a new sound. Coldplay, Frou Frou, etc. Kanye's actually speaking about something that resonates with me this time. I can feel his heart in his music, and I appreciate that. You know what it is? I can dance to it. Like get into the studio and choreograph to it. I like that.
I used to like Lisa on "The Housewives of Atlanta", but when she went off on Kim for putting it out in the open how she heard about NeNe's song, I lost respect for her. Lisa went dag on near crazy! Calling her a liar and threatening to push her over the couch. Lol. Push her over the couch. That's funny. If you told Kim, you told Kim! So what?! You said that you already apologized to NeNe for opening your big mouth, so why are you threatening to push Kim backwards over the couch and break her neck?! Calm down! Geez!
Drama. Gross. I have none and I'm so thankful for that. Don't nobody have time to deal with that mess. What does j.a.c. need ya'll?! I NEED PEACE.
I miss my car. I'm about to be 'reunited and it feels so goooooood!' I have a problem though. Since I've been in NY, I haven't bought not one actual compact disc. How am I going to ride around in my car without new music to blaze from the stereo? I could connect my ipod to my radio, but it's not the same. There's static in that thing. I guess I'll have to burn CDs from my iTunes library. But I hate bootleg looking CDs - titles of albums written in big black marker with someone's scratchy handwriting across the blank silver surface. That's so not sexy. Speaking of my car, I have about $8K left to pay on it!!! Wohooo! I'm about to OWN my car!
Jon B has a song on his new album "Helpless Romantic" entitled "The Ride of Our Lives". Oh man. I love it. It's about the joys of bringing a child into this world. Totally unexpected from Jon. The woman's voice on the track is absolutely beautiful. "Then you gave me life through a precious little girl. She changed my focus and helped me notice that that's what love is." I absolutely LOVE Jon B's voice. He doesn't look as good as he used to, but that voice is more perfect than ever.
My manager gave me a bouquet of hot pink roses in a pink and red vase for my bday. They were absolutely beautiful. I didn't realize how much I love flowers. Never thought I was that kind of girl. But they actually make me very happy. I bought myself a sunflower a couple of months ago, and was warm from the inside out having it next to me. Cheesy I know. But whatever. Your girl likes flowers! Sue me.
I'm trying to decide if I want the Blackberry Storm. I still have time to exchange my Curve. I need to test it out. I usually like for them to get the kinks out of it first and then pick up the 2nd generation model. We'll see though.
I did a photography shoot over the weekend for my girl who will be selling this shirt and bag on her site Chris Leeann Boutique. Look at some of my work. She's a gorgeous girl, isn't she?
 |
| From ChrisLeeann Boutique - Obama Shirt |
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| From ChrisLeeann Boutique - Obama Shirt |
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| From ChrisLeeann Boutique - Obama Shirt |
I also modeled recently for the launch of a clothing line called Shauntele'. As soon as I have pics, I'll share those too.
Ok, it's past midnight. Time to drug myself up and go to sleep. Til tomorrow!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Date A Friend
I've written a lot about relationships in the recent weeks,
Men Update
Update on Men Update
Why Didn't It Work?
Question To The Fellas
The Ladies Speak Up
A Gentleman's Guide to Approaching a Woman
mainly due to the fact that it's all anyone ever wants to talk about.
Relationships are the universal obsession. You know, sorta like music is the universal language. When you meet someone new, the easiest way to crack the ice is to talk about how hard it is out here, how crazy woman can be, how done we are with men, or how bad we feign to tango but can't seem to find anyone worthwhile. Every single person has a story to tell. What gets me though is that everyone's saying the same exact thing!
My homies will say to me that they want someone who's intelligent, who understands the importance of space, one who can be that sexy mama in her 3 inch heels and then a delicate natural beauty in sweatpants and a t-shirt, one who's easy going and likes a good time, one who won't lose her mind in public when things don't go her way, has common sense, and who isn't just flat out crazy.
And then us lovely ladies will say that we want a man who's educated, financially responsible, respectful, has a job or is passionate about something, who's funny, has common sense, can be a boss at the appropriate times, is hardworking and a man's man.
Well if I'm telling my homies "I don't know where you're looking because I have homegirls just like that" while they're telling me that they have loads of homeboys who have everything I'm looking for, then why are we all running past each other like blind bats in the morning sun?! Well I think I might be able to answer that one for you. How many times have you heard, "who? bob?! nooooo. that's bob! i can't mess with bob. that's good old bobby bob! the homie, bob! that's my boy!" Lol. Lookie here people (and I'm talking to myself too). Chances are that you are SURROUNDED every single day (at work, in church, at events) by the exact type of a person you are looking for. He or she was probably the last person you talked to on the phone. Check your recent calls list! But when you start eliminating people, one by one for no apparent reason other than, "naw! that's bootsie! i can't date bootsie!", aren't you sorta prolonging your unwanted singleness? Do this little exercise with me and go through the names in your phone. If you take a catalogue of your friends of the opposite sex in your address book, won't you pretty much find all the qualities you want? Why else would you be friends with them if they weren't 'reasonable', 'fun', 'sane', 'respectful', 'intelligent', 'attractive'? Now I'm not saying that every friend you have is a dime, but it is almost guaranteed that you have at least 1 that fits the job description. I know, I know. But that's your boy right? Or that's your homegirl. You've known each other for yeeeaaarrrrsssss. S/he knows everything about you. What if it doesn't workout? What if it doesn't work out AND you inadvertantly kill the friendship? I hear you. I really do. But isn't it the point to be with someone who knows you inside and out? Isn't it always better when two lovers were friends first? Won't it be easier to cut the prolonged unwanted singleness if s/he is right there in front of your face? No more searching. No more wading through the waters. No more "it's hard out here" moments. I don't know.... You tell me people. Would you be willing to take the risk? Would the potential award be worth it? Can you take a glimpse from a different angle? See your friend as something more? Be gutsy enough to take that step? Or how about this question - AREN'T YOU JUST TIRED?! Lol. I know I am. I guess all I can say is good luck people. Good luck.
Hit me.
Men Update
Update on Men Update
Why Didn't It Work?
Question To The Fellas
The Ladies Speak Up
A Gentleman's Guide to Approaching a Woman
mainly due to the fact that it's all anyone ever wants to talk about.
Relationships are the universal obsession. You know, sorta like music is the universal language. When you meet someone new, the easiest way to crack the ice is to talk about how hard it is out here, how crazy woman can be, how done we are with men, or how bad we feign to tango but can't seem to find anyone worthwhile. Every single person has a story to tell. What gets me though is that everyone's saying the same exact thing!
My homies will say to me that they want someone who's intelligent, who understands the importance of space, one who can be that sexy mama in her 3 inch heels and then a delicate natural beauty in sweatpants and a t-shirt, one who's easy going and likes a good time, one who won't lose her mind in public when things don't go her way, has common sense, and who isn't just flat out crazy.
And then us lovely ladies will say that we want a man who's educated, financially responsible, respectful, has a job or is passionate about something, who's funny, has common sense, can be a boss at the appropriate times, is hardworking and a man's man.
Well if I'm telling my homies "I don't know where you're looking because I have homegirls just like that" while they're telling me that they have loads of homeboys who have everything I'm looking for, then why are we all running past each other like blind bats in the morning sun?! Well I think I might be able to answer that one for you. How many times have you heard, "who? bob?! nooooo. that's bob! i can't mess with bob. that's good old bobby bob! the homie, bob! that's my boy!" Lol. Lookie here people (and I'm talking to myself too). Chances are that you are SURROUNDED every single day (at work, in church, at events) by the exact type of a person you are looking for. He or she was probably the last person you talked to on the phone. Check your recent calls list! But when you start eliminating people, one by one for no apparent reason other than, "naw! that's bootsie! i can't date bootsie!", aren't you sorta prolonging your unwanted singleness? Do this little exercise with me and go through the names in your phone. If you take a catalogue of your friends of the opposite sex in your address book, won't you pretty much find all the qualities you want? Why else would you be friends with them if they weren't 'reasonable', 'fun', 'sane', 'respectful', 'intelligent', 'attractive'? Now I'm not saying that every friend you have is a dime, but it is almost guaranteed that you have at least 1 that fits the job description. I know, I know. But that's your boy right? Or that's your homegirl. You've known each other for yeeeaaarrrrsssss. S/he knows everything about you. What if it doesn't workout? What if it doesn't work out AND you inadvertantly kill the friendship? I hear you. I really do. But isn't it the point to be with someone who knows you inside and out? Isn't it always better when two lovers were friends first? Won't it be easier to cut the prolonged unwanted singleness if s/he is right there in front of your face? No more searching. No more wading through the waters. No more "it's hard out here" moments. I don't know.... You tell me people. Would you be willing to take the risk? Would the potential award be worth it? Can you take a glimpse from a different angle? See your friend as something more? Be gutsy enough to take that step? Or how about this question - AREN'T YOU JUST TIRED?! Lol. I know I am. I guess all I can say is good luck people. Good luck.
Hit me.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Dedicated To You
"At this point in our relationship, I have come to the conclusion that the word love no longer can describe how I feel about you. The magnitude of how much I care, the intensity with which I miss you, the degree to which I want to make you happy, cannot be expressed by telling you, "I love you." The mere fact that you have heard the words "I love you" in a past relationship confirms that you will not be bale to grasp how much more you mean to me when I say it. For the reality is, no man, except for Jesus Christ Himself, has or will ever love you more than I do. That is why I need another word. Not just a synonym or acronym, but a powerful, potent word that makes you shiver every time you hear it. A word so filled with passion and conviction that your eyes water just in anticipation of me saying it to you. Until that day comes, it is my only hope that my everyday actions of putting these feelings into practice will make up for the inability to express them to you in words. So what I want for you to do right now is fall into my arms and allow me to squeeze you ever so carefully and sensually. Let the warmth, sincerity, tenderness and protectiveness of my arms say what man has yet to define."
-S. James Guitard
26. Gross!
Okay. Umm.... I'ma need the aging process to slow down now.
Now that I've had my 25 years, I'm cool on growing old.
25 was a nice age.
A tenderoni age.
Young and sweet.
At 25, I was younger than everyone else.
Kept my position as the baby.
It doesn't matter that the people around me are aging too!
That's not the point!
Whenever I said, "I'm 25", I got "oh you're still a baby!"
But 26?
What kind of age is that?
There's nothing cute about 26.
It's so blah.
What 26 means is that I'll be 30 in no time.
It means I have no right to do certain things anymore.
Like do stupid stuff and go to the club every night.
It doesn't matter that I do don't that stuff anyway!
That's not the point!
I'm not allowed to do it anymore.
And I don't like my privileges taken away.
Turning 26 reminds me of "the plan".
You know, "the plan" that didn't happen.
Be married with 1 kid "plan".
Yeah yeah yeah.
The only "plan" is God's plan.
I've accepted it.
But that's not the point!
It doesn't mean I don't remember!
Is is okay to not be happy about turning 26 tomorrow?
Of course, I appreciate the wisdom that comes with a new year.
The new experiences.
The gift of a new day.
But I really don't like that number.
26.
Gross.
And then 27.
UGH!
I think I'm going to have a convulsion.
At some point, I'll do the whole reflection thing.
Think back on the amazing year I had as a 25 year old woman.
Thank God for everything I've made it through.
Look forward to where I want to be.
Blah blah blah.
But for now, I have to get over turning 26.
Hold me!
Now that I've had my 25 years, I'm cool on growing old.
25 was a nice age.
A tenderoni age.
Young and sweet.
At 25, I was younger than everyone else.
Kept my position as the baby.
It doesn't matter that the people around me are aging too!
That's not the point!
Whenever I said, "I'm 25", I got "oh you're still a baby!"
But 26?
What kind of age is that?
There's nothing cute about 26.
It's so blah.
What 26 means is that I'll be 30 in no time.
It means I have no right to do certain things anymore.
Like do stupid stuff and go to the club every night.
It doesn't matter that I do don't that stuff anyway!
That's not the point!
I'm not allowed to do it anymore.
And I don't like my privileges taken away.
Turning 26 reminds me of "the plan".
You know, "the plan" that didn't happen.
Be married with 1 kid "plan".
Yeah yeah yeah.
The only "plan" is God's plan.
I've accepted it.
But that's not the point!
It doesn't mean I don't remember!
Is is okay to not be happy about turning 26 tomorrow?
Of course, I appreciate the wisdom that comes with a new year.
The new experiences.
The gift of a new day.
But I really don't like that number.
26.
Gross.
And then 27.
UGH!
I think I'm going to have a convulsion.
At some point, I'll do the whole reflection thing.
Think back on the amazing year I had as a 25 year old woman.
Thank God for everything I've made it through.
Look forward to where I want to be.
Blah blah blah.
But for now, I have to get over turning 26.
Hold me!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Pouring Out My Heart
I have so much on my mind.
Again, he told me that he wants me back. He says that he's different. That he's made changes for not only himself but God as well. He wrote, "I know I can't make it without Him...I tried by myself already." I told him that was fantastic. It really is admirable. But I can't just jump back in. I suggested that if he's really going to live for God, try doing it on his own for a while. Certainly longer than 4 months. Try his new lifestyle out for a while, build it up, and then come check for me. But honestly, I don't think it'll ever work. I'm TERRIFIED to do it again! It was SO HARD. Being with someone who has a different value and moral standard than I do... Ugh! It sucks! It's hard merging a life with someone who's only accountable to himself. When I want to make every single decision based on my relationship with God and he wants to do what he wants to do... It's just not going to work. I want a husband who has that really really really deep respect and fear for Jehovah God. Who says, no I can't cheat on my wife because God will KILL me! Or no, I won't lie on my job like my boss is asking me to because I'll disappoint God. Who thinks that losing his job is worth more than jeopardizing his relationship with God. That's a hard decision for a man to make when he has a family to feed, ya know?! I want a man who puts himself in check because of God, not because of me. I want a man who has studied and meditated on what God requires of him and truly truly desires to live by it so that he can stay in God's good graces. And it's a hard thing to do, all of that! Especially when it makes you look different from other people - because it will. Believe me, I know. It's a struggle for me every single freakin day! It's an uphill journey! No, it's freaking up the mountain crawling on your hands and knees journey! And it certainly takes longer than 4 months to get there. I just want a servant of Jehovah. That's all I want. It's my number 1 requirement. If he has that then the honesty, the responsibility, the love...it will all be there. Just give me a servant of Jehovah God. Please God. Please.
And that's where I am right now. I'm asking for this servant, but I can't have one if I'm not there myself. When the chapter on my ex and I finally ended, I knew it was time to make God my closest confidant. So right now, it's just me and God. Just me and my Father. And there's not a person out there than can take that away from me right now. You just don't understand how badly I NEED and WANT Him in my life.
I lost my job Thursday. There were 600 lay-offs at Time Inc and I have 2 weeks until my last day. When I watched the people crying and depressed the other day, my heart broke for them. I can't imagine how it would feel not to have God standing right next to you holding your hand. I know 115% for a fact that God will not leave me. He's helped me this far so why wouldn't I be okay? Ever since my break-up, which I think was one of the most timely things that have ever happened to me, I've been diving into some really creative things that I am longing to pursue. I realize that I have talents that I haven't even begun to tap into. I feel like I'm surrounded by protection that can only come from one being. Do you know that I sold my first song a couple of weeks ago? Can you believe that I have a modeling gig in the next couple of days? Isn't it fantastic that I just came into $700 that I didn't know about? Isn't it crazy that my parents JUST found out they can build their new house without having to sell the current one, which means I can live there if I want? How is it that all of this is just happening right at the time of my lay-off? Surely not by my own graces. I have supreme cushion on all sides. He will not leave me and He never has. I'm not the least bit worried and I'm definitely looking forward to what my life will hold. Especially since I have Him. There's no where to go but up from here.
Speaking of up, Essence was THE best job I have ever had. I prayed and prayed and prayed for that job and it turned out to be the perfect opportunity. I woke up every single day ready to step into that building and walk through the double doors into the Essence office. It was a privilege. When speaking to my manager who also was let go, she said she couldn't help but to think about me because she knew how much Essence was my baby. It really was. And it will continue to be. I will always have a special place in my heart for Essence. I'm really going to miss the family that I build there. My department was unique. Even though I worked directly for Essence, I was in a cluster with finance people who worked for Real Simple and InStyle magazines, so I was around a diverse group of individuals. White, Asian, men, women, old, young, crazy, quiet. That was my family for 11 months ya'll. And ALL of us got along! How insane is that?! All 12 of us. But now that there are only 4 left standing, we'll all go in different directions and just cherish the relationships that we've built. Essence was a blessing. It truly was.
So what's next? I definitely have to write. I was just asked to contribute to another blog and help administer the site for a new enterprise back out in Cali. That's going to be a piece of cake for me. And I adore the guy who's running this enterprise. His heart is so big that I'll do anything for him. The music team I sold my song to (GEM and NK) has asked me to work with them, so I'll continue to do that no matter whether I stay in NY or move back home. I have a pretty good severance package so I'm thinking about perhaps going to photography school. I did say that I want to put together a portfolio by October 2009 didn't I? GEM doesn't want me to leave so he's working to find me a job in NY. He's already pushed me onto a couple of people's plates which was really kind of him. And then this modeling thing? It's just something to do. A one time thing. Even though I'm 5'9" and a size 6, my butt is way too big to model. I have a sista card and that's not going to work. Modeling is not my thing either. I had fun doing it in college but it's not my style. If I take it seriously, I think it'll take me in a direction I'm not willing to go if you know what I mean. And then there's always the option to go back to school. I LOVE school. Always have. But I'm too creative to do finance and business school. I have to find the right school niche.
Moving home is my only concern. For all four of us to be under one roof again. Mmm... It gives me the chills. Let's just put it like that. Two grown children cannot peacefully co-exist with their parents. My sister and parents are having a hard time as it is. I think they're not even speaking right now. I SO don't want to move back in and be a part of that drama. I need peace in my life. (lol. how many times have i said that!) I love my family, but they are just too much. I told my mother that I think they've all gotten out of control. Because of how difficult it is, they've somehow gotten really mean towards one another. What is that all about?!! ILLL. I can't do that! My mother says that I'm probably exactly what they need to pull it back together. Well why do I have to be that person?! Lol. I'm really sensitive and most likely will start crying when family stress drags me there. Everyone will probably check themselves if that happens because no one like to see me cry. A family meeting will be called and everything. I can already see it! But the next family meeting I want to have is with my own husband and 2.5 kids! Feel me?! I don't want a 9 to 5 job, but if that means getting me out of Ramblewood then that's what I'll have to do.
My dad told me that in hard times, with family is the best place to be. I wholeheartedly agree. Every one's going to need their mommies and daddies the way things are going with this economy. Can you believe that 6,000 jobs were lost in NY in the month of October alone?! Yeah, we're going to need each other. My sister is excited for me to come home. I'm glad she's excited. It's nice to know she feels that way about me. My sis and I have a good relationship. My prayer for her is that she build a firm relationship with God. The lady is so smart. Intelligent beyond belief, but she can be such a frantic mess sometimes. I think that a relationship with God will help her with that. But like I said up top, that takes time. Everybody has to take that journey if they desire it. It's a long one, but it's super rewarding.
I never or hardly talk about my relationship with God on this blog, even though it's such a huge part of my life. But the closer I get to Him, the more I feel like an outsider. But that's to be expected and I'm prepared for it. For example, I have a lot of nice male friends. For the girls who don't really get it, I often hear "i don't understand why you're not dating him or hopping on that right now, cuz giirrrlllll, if i were you..." Yeah, I can imagine why you don't understand. It's not that simple for me. Which sucks sometimes because I realize that I'm limiting my choices. A man who serves God the way I do! Ha! Yeah, that's like searching for the underwire on Aretha Franklin's bra. But that's what I want. And I did say that God won't leave me right? If I don't have faith, how will it be delivered? (And that's why if it's even possible, the ex is going to have to come SO hard. I mean SOOOOO hard. I don't feel like an average woman. I KNOW I'm not. My standards are so high. Too high for him, I believe.) And then this past Halloween, which is a holiday I really don't get down with, I got chastised for not celebrating it. I've never been pushed so hard to celebrate this holiday before. I used to be surrounded by people who kept away from Halloween and all that it stood for, but for some reason, I lost all those people. Lol. It's weird how I'm constantly reminded of my choices, but that's a good thing. I'm constantly reminded of my relationship with God. And if that's what it takes, then so be it.
I feel like I've been writing for an hour, but I needed this. This is one of those posts that I'll be able to look back upon and see growth. I feel like I'm in a good place and prayerfully, I'll stay here.
Ciao bellas.
Again, he told me that he wants me back. He says that he's different. That he's made changes for not only himself but God as well. He wrote, "I know I can't make it without Him...I tried by myself already." I told him that was fantastic. It really is admirable. But I can't just jump back in. I suggested that if he's really going to live for God, try doing it on his own for a while. Certainly longer than 4 months. Try his new lifestyle out for a while, build it up, and then come check for me. But honestly, I don't think it'll ever work. I'm TERRIFIED to do it again! It was SO HARD. Being with someone who has a different value and moral standard than I do... Ugh! It sucks! It's hard merging a life with someone who's only accountable to himself. When I want to make every single decision based on my relationship with God and he wants to do what he wants to do... It's just not going to work. I want a husband who has that really really really deep respect and fear for Jehovah God. Who says, no I can't cheat on my wife because God will KILL me! Or no, I won't lie on my job like my boss is asking me to because I'll disappoint God. Who thinks that losing his job is worth more than jeopardizing his relationship with God. That's a hard decision for a man to make when he has a family to feed, ya know?! I want a man who puts himself in check because of God, not because of me. I want a man who has studied and meditated on what God requires of him and truly truly desires to live by it so that he can stay in God's good graces. And it's a hard thing to do, all of that! Especially when it makes you look different from other people - because it will. Believe me, I know. It's a struggle for me every single freakin day! It's an uphill journey! No, it's freaking up the mountain crawling on your hands and knees journey! And it certainly takes longer than 4 months to get there. I just want a servant of Jehovah. That's all I want. It's my number 1 requirement. If he has that then the honesty, the responsibility, the love...it will all be there. Just give me a servant of Jehovah God. Please God. Please.
And that's where I am right now. I'm asking for this servant, but I can't have one if I'm not there myself. When the chapter on my ex and I finally ended, I knew it was time to make God my closest confidant. So right now, it's just me and God. Just me and my Father. And there's not a person out there than can take that away from me right now. You just don't understand how badly I NEED and WANT Him in my life.
I lost my job Thursday. There were 600 lay-offs at Time Inc and I have 2 weeks until my last day. When I watched the people crying and depressed the other day, my heart broke for them. I can't imagine how it would feel not to have God standing right next to you holding your hand. I know 115% for a fact that God will not leave me. He's helped me this far so why wouldn't I be okay? Ever since my break-up, which I think was one of the most timely things that have ever happened to me, I've been diving into some really creative things that I am longing to pursue. I realize that I have talents that I haven't even begun to tap into. I feel like I'm surrounded by protection that can only come from one being. Do you know that I sold my first song a couple of weeks ago? Can you believe that I have a modeling gig in the next couple of days? Isn't it fantastic that I just came into $700 that I didn't know about? Isn't it crazy that my parents JUST found out they can build their new house without having to sell the current one, which means I can live there if I want? How is it that all of this is just happening right at the time of my lay-off? Surely not by my own graces. I have supreme cushion on all sides. He will not leave me and He never has. I'm not the least bit worried and I'm definitely looking forward to what my life will hold. Especially since I have Him. There's no where to go but up from here.
Speaking of up, Essence was THE best job I have ever had. I prayed and prayed and prayed for that job and it turned out to be the perfect opportunity. I woke up every single day ready to step into that building and walk through the double doors into the Essence office. It was a privilege. When speaking to my manager who also was let go, she said she couldn't help but to think about me because she knew how much Essence was my baby. It really was. And it will continue to be. I will always have a special place in my heart for Essence. I'm really going to miss the family that I build there. My department was unique. Even though I worked directly for Essence, I was in a cluster with finance people who worked for Real Simple and InStyle magazines, so I was around a diverse group of individuals. White, Asian, men, women, old, young, crazy, quiet. That was my family for 11 months ya'll. And ALL of us got along! How insane is that?! All 12 of us. But now that there are only 4 left standing, we'll all go in different directions and just cherish the relationships that we've built. Essence was a blessing. It truly was.
So what's next? I definitely have to write. I was just asked to contribute to another blog and help administer the site for a new enterprise back out in Cali. That's going to be a piece of cake for me. And I adore the guy who's running this enterprise. His heart is so big that I'll do anything for him. The music team I sold my song to (GEM and NK) has asked me to work with them, so I'll continue to do that no matter whether I stay in NY or move back home. I have a pretty good severance package so I'm thinking about perhaps going to photography school. I did say that I want to put together a portfolio by October 2009 didn't I? GEM doesn't want me to leave so he's working to find me a job in NY. He's already pushed me onto a couple of people's plates which was really kind of him. And then this modeling thing? It's just something to do. A one time thing. Even though I'm 5'9" and a size 6, my butt is way too big to model. I have a sista card and that's not going to work. Modeling is not my thing either. I had fun doing it in college but it's not my style. If I take it seriously, I think it'll take me in a direction I'm not willing to go if you know what I mean. And then there's always the option to go back to school. I LOVE school. Always have. But I'm too creative to do finance and business school. I have to find the right school niche.
Moving home is my only concern. For all four of us to be under one roof again. Mmm... It gives me the chills. Let's just put it like that. Two grown children cannot peacefully co-exist with their parents. My sister and parents are having a hard time as it is. I think they're not even speaking right now. I SO don't want to move back in and be a part of that drama. I need peace in my life. (lol. how many times have i said that!) I love my family, but they are just too much. I told my mother that I think they've all gotten out of control. Because of how difficult it is, they've somehow gotten really mean towards one another. What is that all about?!! ILLL. I can't do that! My mother says that I'm probably exactly what they need to pull it back together. Well why do I have to be that person?! Lol. I'm really sensitive and most likely will start crying when family stress drags me there. Everyone will probably check themselves if that happens because no one like to see me cry. A family meeting will be called and everything. I can already see it! But the next family meeting I want to have is with my own husband and 2.5 kids! Feel me?! I don't want a 9 to 5 job, but if that means getting me out of Ramblewood then that's what I'll have to do.
My dad told me that in hard times, with family is the best place to be. I wholeheartedly agree. Every one's going to need their mommies and daddies the way things are going with this economy. Can you believe that 6,000 jobs were lost in NY in the month of October alone?! Yeah, we're going to need each other. My sister is excited for me to come home. I'm glad she's excited. It's nice to know she feels that way about me. My sis and I have a good relationship. My prayer for her is that she build a firm relationship with God. The lady is so smart. Intelligent beyond belief, but she can be such a frantic mess sometimes. I think that a relationship with God will help her with that. But like I said up top, that takes time. Everybody has to take that journey if they desire it. It's a long one, but it's super rewarding.
I never or hardly talk about my relationship with God on this blog, even though it's such a huge part of my life. But the closer I get to Him, the more I feel like an outsider. But that's to be expected and I'm prepared for it. For example, I have a lot of nice male friends. For the girls who don't really get it, I often hear "i don't understand why you're not dating him or hopping on that right now, cuz giirrrlllll, if i were you..." Yeah, I can imagine why you don't understand. It's not that simple for me. Which sucks sometimes because I realize that I'm limiting my choices. A man who serves God the way I do! Ha! Yeah, that's like searching for the underwire on Aretha Franklin's bra. But that's what I want. And I did say that God won't leave me right? If I don't have faith, how will it be delivered? (And that's why if it's even possible, the ex is going to have to come SO hard. I mean SOOOOO hard. I don't feel like an average woman. I KNOW I'm not. My standards are so high. Too high for him, I believe.) And then this past Halloween, which is a holiday I really don't get down with, I got chastised for not celebrating it. I've never been pushed so hard to celebrate this holiday before. I used to be surrounded by people who kept away from Halloween and all that it stood for, but for some reason, I lost all those people. Lol. It's weird how I'm constantly reminded of my choices, but that's a good thing. I'm constantly reminded of my relationship with God. And if that's what it takes, then so be it.
I feel like I've been writing for an hour, but I needed this. This is one of those posts that I'll be able to look back upon and see growth. I feel like I'm in a good place and prayerfully, I'll stay here.
Ciao bellas.
Friday, November 14, 2008
"Cream In My Coffee"
i see them!
i see white boyz!
i promise you they weren't there before.
they were not a part of my world.
but now...
they're everywhere!
where did they come from?
and why are they so fine?
the blinders are off.
i'm in a new world.
unchartered territory.
there's no love lost for my chocolate bars.
i will 4ever love dark chocolate.
my first love.
nothing like it.
but i'm wondering.
could i like white chocolate?
would he know what to do with me?
will he appreciate my cinnamon?
can he do it too?
i wonder.
i see white boyz!
i promise you they weren't there before.
they were not a part of my world.
but now...
they're everywhere!
where did they come from?
and why are they so fine?
the blinders are off.
i'm in a new world.
unchartered territory.
there's no love lost for my chocolate bars.
i will 4ever love dark chocolate.
my first love.
nothing like it.
but i'm wondering.
could i like white chocolate?
would he know what to do with me?
will he appreciate my cinnamon?
can he do it too?
i wonder.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
A View Into A Man's Heart
It's nice to see into a man's heart every once in a while. How sweet is this ladies!?
http://djparallel.blogspot.com/2008/10/part-i-internal-struggle.html
http://djparallel.blogspot.com/2008/10/part-ii-anticipation.html
http://djparallel.blogspot.com/2008/10/part-i-internal-struggle.html
http://djparallel.blogspot.com/2008/10/part-ii-anticipation.html
My Ex Is Getting Married
Oh! Here's something I completely forgot to talk about.
Last week, my ex got engaged. When I think about how I feel, I sense that my eyebrows furrow and my forehead wrinkles up in a 'hmmm....' kind of face. I don't know how I feel! I do but I don't. So I'm going to take a little time and write this out, because it's always through writing that I figure myself out.
So he was my high school sweetheart. My very first boyfriend. We were together for something like 3 years and broke up during freshman year of college. He's a great guy. Really giving. Sweet. Hardworking. Talented. Yada yada yada. He lost both of his parents, so while we were dating he was basically adopted into my family. To this day, my mom considers him her part-time son. It's hard to explain or imagine, but my mom and his relationship has absolutely NOTHING to do with me. That's something that they keep completely separate from me. There's a bond there that I am not connected with at all, and totally don't care to be.
He's been with his new fiance for almost a year so we don't really talk anymore except for that rare occasion where we end up having an hour convo just to catch up and see how life is. Usually we just end up talking about our current relationships. About two weeks ago though, he called me and out of the blue said, "do you ever think of us getting back together? you know, with the great relationship that i have with your parents, i wonder about it sometimes." (To provide you with a little background info, his fiance's parents are not a fan of him AT ALL, which irks the mess out of me, but that's a story for another day. I guess he was just thinking about how different it would be if he was with someone who's parents actually liked/loved him.) Even before he explained, I knew where this was coming from. I understood completely that he was cleaning the closet and closing chapters in order to move forward, which I had no problem with. I kindly replied that I don't, and then we proceeded to have a 2 hour conversation about us, his girlfriend and marriage. And it was deep. Being that it would probably be the last conversation we ever have, it was necessary.
Now that he's engaged, I think I feel... umm... hmmm.... geez....I don't know! I seriously can't figure this out. Well maybe I should start with what I'm not. I'm not hurt, but I'm not ecstatic either. We broke up 7 years ago so there's too much distance to be hurt or disappointed or whatever. It's just been too long. But I'm not ecstatic for him because from the little that he's told me about his relationship, it just seems so hard. Her parents don't like him...she still lives with them so she has a hard time making decisions without them in her ear...she's not happy about his relationship with my mother (which is totally understandable)...she's put him through things, and vice versa. It's just a lot! And I don't think he deserves that. I'm worried for him. But that's just my little humble outsider opinion. When he in so many words asked me what I thought about him popping the question, I just told him that to have that ring on your fourth finger left hand one day, and then the next day it be gone, hurts like a bitch. (sorry to curse, but i can't think of a better word right now.) I've been there, and it's no joke. It stabs further than he will EVER imagine. So if he's not 115% sure, DON'T DO IT. I know SH like the back of my hand. And I know he wasn't 115% sure. Besides that fact that I can read inflections, tones and pauses in his voice like a mind-reader, why would he be calling me if there were no hesitations? So now he's engaged, and I'm worried. But it's none of my business, so my job is to keep moving on with my life and say a little prayer for him and his fiance.
I told him that if I was his girlfriend, I would slap him right now for having this convo with me. But as one of his oldest and dearest friends, I'm glad he called. So if all works as SH plans, I will never speak to him again. And that's okay. We're all growing up and it was going to happen sooner or later anyway. It was going to be either him or me first to say, "alright. i'm falling off the map", which is exactly what he said to me before we hung up. Aww.... Parting is such sweet sorrow. Actually, THAT'S how I feel. Sweet Sorrow. There you have it.
Last week, my ex got engaged. When I think about how I feel, I sense that my eyebrows furrow and my forehead wrinkles up in a 'hmmm....' kind of face. I don't know how I feel! I do but I don't. So I'm going to take a little time and write this out, because it's always through writing that I figure myself out.
So he was my high school sweetheart. My very first boyfriend. We were together for something like 3 years and broke up during freshman year of college. He's a great guy. Really giving. Sweet. Hardworking. Talented. Yada yada yada. He lost both of his parents, so while we were dating he was basically adopted into my family. To this day, my mom considers him her part-time son. It's hard to explain or imagine, but my mom and his relationship has absolutely NOTHING to do with me. That's something that they keep completely separate from me. There's a bond there that I am not connected with at all, and totally don't care to be.
He's been with his new fiance for almost a year so we don't really talk anymore except for that rare occasion where we end up having an hour convo just to catch up and see how life is. Usually we just end up talking about our current relationships. About two weeks ago though, he called me and out of the blue said, "do you ever think of us getting back together? you know, with the great relationship that i have with your parents, i wonder about it sometimes." (To provide you with a little background info, his fiance's parents are not a fan of him AT ALL, which irks the mess out of me, but that's a story for another day. I guess he was just thinking about how different it would be if he was with someone who's parents actually liked/loved him.) Even before he explained, I knew where this was coming from. I understood completely that he was cleaning the closet and closing chapters in order to move forward, which I had no problem with. I kindly replied that I don't, and then we proceeded to have a 2 hour conversation about us, his girlfriend and marriage. And it was deep. Being that it would probably be the last conversation we ever have, it was necessary.
Now that he's engaged, I think I feel... umm... hmmm.... geez....I don't know! I seriously can't figure this out. Well maybe I should start with what I'm not. I'm not hurt, but I'm not ecstatic either. We broke up 7 years ago so there's too much distance to be hurt or disappointed or whatever. It's just been too long. But I'm not ecstatic for him because from the little that he's told me about his relationship, it just seems so hard. Her parents don't like him...she still lives with them so she has a hard time making decisions without them in her ear...she's not happy about his relationship with my mother (which is totally understandable)...she's put him through things, and vice versa. It's just a lot! And I don't think he deserves that. I'm worried for him. But that's just my little humble outsider opinion. When he in so many words asked me what I thought about him popping the question, I just told him that to have that ring on your fourth finger left hand one day, and then the next day it be gone, hurts like a bitch. (sorry to curse, but i can't think of a better word right now.) I've been there, and it's no joke. It stabs further than he will EVER imagine. So if he's not 115% sure, DON'T DO IT. I know SH like the back of my hand. And I know he wasn't 115% sure. Besides that fact that I can read inflections, tones and pauses in his voice like a mind-reader, why would he be calling me if there were no hesitations? So now he's engaged, and I'm worried. But it's none of my business, so my job is to keep moving on with my life and say a little prayer for him and his fiance.
I told him that if I was his girlfriend, I would slap him right now for having this convo with me. But as one of his oldest and dearest friends, I'm glad he called. So if all works as SH plans, I will never speak to him again. And that's okay. We're all growing up and it was going to happen sooner or later anyway. It was going to be either him or me first to say, "alright. i'm falling off the map", which is exactly what he said to me before we hung up. Aww.... Parting is such sweet sorrow. Actually, THAT'S how I feel. Sweet Sorrow. There you have it.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
A Gentleman's Guide to Approaching A Woman
I have to say that I think men are doing it all wrong. (Disclaimer - For convenience sake, I am generalizing. Okay? Okay.) I had a discussion with ED yesterday and he told me that whenever it's time to approach a woman, his mind goes blank. (How cute!) When I asked CR how he approaches women, he said he's normally straight up, but that tactic hardly goes well for him. (That sucks.) Well gentleman, I'm not sure what's going on or how it's working for the rest of you, but follow me down the yellow, brick road for a second. Please.
Imagine this. You see a beautiful female, so you walk over to her and say a variation of "I am very attracted to you and would love to get to know you better. Can I have your number?" Now if that woman is anything like me, she's going to tilt her head to the side, look at you like you have a booger in your nose, and say thank you but no thanks. Let me explain something. It's not that we don't appreciate the compliment, but many of the women I know aren't too keen on giving their personal information to a man they know nothing about. I mean from that one question, you can't even tell whether he has sense or not. It's sorta creepy to be honest. When you think about it, this man is saying, "I know you know nothing about me, but since I paid you a compliment, let me have the line of communication into your life." Uh uh. And then to go a little bit deeper, since pretty women are a dime a dozen, I feel like a man who approaches a woman in that manner isn't very picky about who he lets in his life. It begs the question of whether or not he asks every attractive woman he sees for her number. And that's not good.
When you want to approach a woman you're attracted to, my suggestion is to be observant, keep it light and have a conversation. For example, if you notice her and her girlfriend giving each other that look when some crazy guy finally leaves them alone, laugh and say something like, "man, you handled that really well. i'm impressed." Chances are she'll laugh and include you in the situation; give you a little recap of what happened, and bingo! There's your window to what gentleman? Noooo. Not into asking for her number. For more chatting! Yeah, I'm sorry. You have to work just a little bit harder. Or if she spills her drink, offer her some napkins and say something playful like "tear it up girl! just tear it up! hopefully your oxi clean will handle that!" Corny i know, but corny is okay! Hopefully she'll smile back and say something like, "I know right! I'm a mess sometimes." Or take a note from a guy I met the other night. While walking across the room, he stopped me and sincerely asked, "What made you decide to cut your hair?" It wasn't until we got further into the conversation and he asked me for a date that I realized his opener might possibly have been a pick-up line. But after discussing hair, life changing moments and gradual vs. sporadic decisions, I didn't care whether it was a pick-up line or not. He was a little less of a stranger than when he asked me his first question. The point is, don't come at her like you want something. If you know anything about women, you know that we dream dream dream about falling in love with a man who's a true friend. So be that friend! But not in a sly under-handed way either. Don't use it as a means to an end fellas. If you're grown, you're probably interested in something sincere. SO BE SINCERE. Have an actual conversation. That way when you finally ask for her number, you can actually say AND mean "i enjoyed chatting with you and would love to continue the convo some time".
But guys, what I'm about to break down is the most important part. So pay very close attention! I'm SURE you don't just want a pretty face (right?), so use the situation as way to determine if she's worth YOUR energy. After one of your charming and funny remarks, she just may say something crazy and totally out of line. Or she could be cold and non-responsive with her no-people-having-skills self. Or she could be miss snooty attitudey. Or the girl could just talk too dag on much! Isn't that the worst! What's the point of plugging a worthless number into your phone? Ya know? Put little miss pretty on your OWN on-the-spot interview. But be really low key and cool about it. See if she deserves YOU. You're full of worth too! Feel me?
Gentleman, does that make sense? How do you feel about the "guide"? Is it something you do already? If you don't, might you take my advice? Ladies, do you agree? How would you want a man to approach you? Would you rather him not beat around the bush and learn more about him at a later time? Or are you like me, preferring to discern his personality and get a sense of his character before giving him the golden ticket?
Imagine this. You see a beautiful female, so you walk over to her and say a variation of "I am very attracted to you and would love to get to know you better. Can I have your number?" Now if that woman is anything like me, she's going to tilt her head to the side, look at you like you have a booger in your nose, and say thank you but no thanks. Let me explain something. It's not that we don't appreciate the compliment, but many of the women I know aren't too keen on giving their personal information to a man they know nothing about. I mean from that one question, you can't even tell whether he has sense or not. It's sorta creepy to be honest. When you think about it, this man is saying, "I know you know nothing about me, but since I paid you a compliment, let me have the line of communication into your life." Uh uh. And then to go a little bit deeper, since pretty women are a dime a dozen, I feel like a man who approaches a woman in that manner isn't very picky about who he lets in his life. It begs the question of whether or not he asks every attractive woman he sees for her number. And that's not good.
When you want to approach a woman you're attracted to, my suggestion is to be observant, keep it light and have a conversation. For example, if you notice her and her girlfriend giving each other that look when some crazy guy finally leaves them alone, laugh and say something like, "man, you handled that really well. i'm impressed." Chances are she'll laugh and include you in the situation; give you a little recap of what happened, and bingo! There's your window to what gentleman? Noooo. Not into asking for her number. For more chatting! Yeah, I'm sorry. You have to work just a little bit harder. Or if she spills her drink, offer her some napkins and say something playful like "tear it up girl! just tear it up! hopefully your oxi clean will handle that!" Corny i know, but corny is okay! Hopefully she'll smile back and say something like, "I know right! I'm a mess sometimes." Or take a note from a guy I met the other night. While walking across the room, he stopped me and sincerely asked, "What made you decide to cut your hair?" It wasn't until we got further into the conversation and he asked me for a date that I realized his opener might possibly have been a pick-up line. But after discussing hair, life changing moments and gradual vs. sporadic decisions, I didn't care whether it was a pick-up line or not. He was a little less of a stranger than when he asked me his first question. The point is, don't come at her like you want something. If you know anything about women, you know that we dream dream dream about falling in love with a man who's a true friend. So be that friend! But not in a sly under-handed way either. Don't use it as a means to an end fellas. If you're grown, you're probably interested in something sincere. SO BE SINCERE. Have an actual conversation. That way when you finally ask for her number, you can actually say AND mean "i enjoyed chatting with you and would love to continue the convo some time".
But guys, what I'm about to break down is the most important part. So pay very close attention! I'm SURE you don't just want a pretty face (right?), so use the situation as way to determine if she's worth YOUR energy. After one of your charming and funny remarks, she just may say something crazy and totally out of line. Or she could be cold and non-responsive with her no-people-having-skills self. Or she could be miss snooty attitudey. Or the girl could just talk too dag on much! Isn't that the worst! What's the point of plugging a worthless number into your phone? Ya know? Put little miss pretty on your OWN on-the-spot interview. But be really low key and cool about it. See if she deserves YOU. You're full of worth too! Feel me?
Gentleman, does that make sense? How do you feel about the "guide"? Is it something you do already? If you don't, might you take my advice? Ladies, do you agree? How would you want a man to approach you? Would you rather him not beat around the bush and learn more about him at a later time? Or are you like me, preferring to discern his personality and get a sense of his character before giving him the golden ticket?
Monday, November 10, 2008
What's Your Temptation?
One of the guys asked me the title question the other night, after briefly touching upon religion. Back in the day, I could have answered that quickly, but I really had to think hard about it. I've had many temptations in my adult life, but ever since I became the single lady that I am, my temptations have pretty much dwindled. I guess that would indicate that most of my temptations were sexual in nature, but that's not really the case. But of course, since I'm one of those no-sex-before-marriage girls, divulging in the temptation of pre-marital sex was extremely difficult. But in general, I was never tempted by things like food (gluttony), drugs (illegal fixes), or money (the love of it), rather my temptations were kinda psychological in nature. For example, when I was young, my self-esteem issues played a HUGE part in tempting me to accept attention that was not good for me. But now that I'm older, my temptations are very few and far in between. Oh but wait! I AM tempted by new things, i.e. clothes. It's very hard to say no when you can find 12 reasons why you deserve the item regardless if you need it or not. =)
I more so have struggles, not temptations. I think there's a difference. I struggle with my own thoughts. Stuff like 'you're not moving on fast enough', 'you haven't done enough', 'you aren't reaching the goals you set for yourself', 'when will you ever get married'. It's those thoughts that kill me more than anything else.
I know what my temptation is. Music. Music can make me do just about anything. It's almost like it worms it's way into my veins and manipulates me into certain acts. Not good. To maintain my integrity, dignity, chasteness and all of that, I need to curtail some of the things I listen to. But boy is that hard for a music lover such as myself. smh.
What's Your temptation/struggle?
I more so have struggles, not temptations. I think there's a difference. I struggle with my own thoughts. Stuff like 'you're not moving on fast enough', 'you haven't done enough', 'you aren't reaching the goals you set for yourself', 'when will you ever get married'. It's those thoughts that kill me more than anything else.
I know what my temptation is. Music. Music can make me do just about anything. It's almost like it worms it's way into my veins and manipulates me into certain acts. Not good. To maintain my integrity, dignity, chasteness and all of that, I need to curtail some of the things I listen to. But boy is that hard for a music lover such as myself. smh.
What's Your temptation/struggle?
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Last Night
I was so unfocused. I was thinking about last night in service this morning. I wonder if anyone saw me smiling to myself in the corner. And I wasn’t even going to go out. When CR texted me, I was sure I would be asleep before they got into the city. Actually, I was hoping I would be so I could stay under my warm electronic blanket. But I was writing at the time and my thoughts weren’t fading. There was no time to lay my head down.
When I left Tillman’s, the dude outside said, “You came alone AND you had all of them going crazy.” Did I? But what do the two have to do with one another? I’m confused. Anyway, I know one thing. I had a ball. CR and his main man, who will forever be my favorite dance partner, were the best company. Just me and the guys. In fact, I felt like I was the only female in there. In a sea of men. Yes there were other females but I think I talked to not a one. Like I said, last night, it was just me and the fellas. I danced. Laughed my butt off. Had interesting conversations about deserving the best. I even made new friends acquaintances.
I was talking to dudes like I knew them for 15 years. But that’s the environment that the spot lends itself to. It’s so intimate that you have no choice but to feel like you know everybody. It’s perfect. Everyone in there is family. And how could you not be family when the DJ drops old school joints you haven’t heard in 10 years? Music bonds the world.
On the way out, I squeezed my way through the crowd and mysteriously found myself sandwiched between two of the cutest men who seemed to have come out of nowhere. (They surely weren’t there for all 2 and a half hours of my time there. Your girl would have noticed them quickly.) But check this. I swear that time stood still and the world froze as they stopped their convo and stared down at me. They made me nervous! And I never get nervous around men. Or at least I haven’t been so since my high school days when I had a crush on the Greek guy in my class. You know what it was though? They were both tall. Yes! That’s what it was! Because I’ve never had a tall boyfriend, I am fascinated with men above 6 feet. I’m intrigued by that big man, little woman thing. How would it be to look up at him? To stand on my tippy toes to reach his lips? Hmmm. Anyway, yes. Those two pillars of chocolate stunned the mess out of me. It’s a good thing my mind went blank because I might have had a new temptation on my hands. =)
I have a feeling that whenever I hang out with CR, my world will light up. His ring leader craziness is infectious.
When I left Tillman’s, the dude outside said, “You came alone AND you had all of them going crazy.” Did I? But what do the two have to do with one another? I’m confused. Anyway, I know one thing. I had a ball. CR and his main man, who will forever be my favorite dance partner, were the best company. Just me and the guys. In fact, I felt like I was the only female in there. In a sea of men. Yes there were other females but I think I talked to not a one. Like I said, last night, it was just me and the fellas. I danced. Laughed my butt off. Had interesting conversations about deserving the best. I even made new friends acquaintances.
I was talking to dudes like I knew them for 15 years. But that’s the environment that the spot lends itself to. It’s so intimate that you have no choice but to feel like you know everybody. It’s perfect. Everyone in there is family. And how could you not be family when the DJ drops old school joints you haven’t heard in 10 years? Music bonds the world.
On the way out, I squeezed my way through the crowd and mysteriously found myself sandwiched between two of the cutest men who seemed to have come out of nowhere. (They surely weren’t there for all 2 and a half hours of my time there. Your girl would have noticed them quickly.) But check this. I swear that time stood still and the world froze as they stopped their convo and stared down at me. They made me nervous! And I never get nervous around men. Or at least I haven’t been so since my high school days when I had a crush on the Greek guy in my class. You know what it was though? They were both tall. Yes! That’s what it was! Because I’ve never had a tall boyfriend, I am fascinated with men above 6 feet. I’m intrigued by that big man, little woman thing. How would it be to look up at him? To stand on my tippy toes to reach his lips? Hmmm. Anyway, yes. Those two pillars of chocolate stunned the mess out of me. It’s a good thing my mind went blank because I might have had a new temptation on my hands. =)
I have a feeling that whenever I hang out with CR, my world will light up. His ring leader craziness is infectious.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Beyonce Review
Speaking of plain (see post below), check out Bey's I Am Beyonce/I Am Sasha Fierce album here. Because B'day was just so electric and wild, I was waiting in anticipation for Beyonce's softer side to soothe me over. The I Am Beyonce album is just indeed softer, but... it's so just plain. Almost like you can play it in the background and forget about it. It feels very cookie-cutter and formulated. Almost like she doesn't have any creative control. Like how Rihanna was before she found her niche or how executive-driven Christina was before she cut ties and got dirty. You know what I mean? Each found their niche. With this album, I find myself asking what's Bey's niche? I think the answer is Sasha Fierce. In an interview I read somewhere, Bey said that she thinks she's finally made a classic album. I'm not sure about that. Dangerously in Love was the classic - perfect from the beginning to the end - but I guess perfection is hard to duplicate. The I Am Sasha Fierce album does exactly what it's supposed to do. And you know what that is ladies! Haaay!
Still... with that said, my favorite songs are "Halo" (her best power ballad), "Disappear" ( I really like the melody of the "when i think about it" line) "Video Phone" (heck yes!), and "Diva" (it's got Lil Wayne's "A Millie" swagger to it).
I'm hearing that she'll make videos for the entire album like she did last time. Well yeah... She's going to have to with this mediocrity. How else are we going to fall in love with it and eventually by the deluxe version that's selling for a whopping $23! If it wasn't Bey, should couldn't pull that kind of crap.
Still... with that said, my favorite songs are "Halo" (her best power ballad), "Disappear" ( I really like the melody of the "when i think about it" line) "Video Phone" (heck yes!), and "Diva" (it's got Lil Wayne's "A Millie" swagger to it).
I'm hearing that she'll make videos for the entire album like she did last time. Well yeah... She's going to have to with this mediocrity. How else are we going to fall in love with it and eventually by the deluxe version that's selling for a whopping $23! If it wasn't Bey, should couldn't pull that kind of crap.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
"Blah"
i wrote my last two journal entries in red pen. i never write in red. my words are always laid out on the page in black or blue ink. more black than blue though. for the last two days, however, red has ruled my world. i woke up mad tuesday morning. like someone in my dreams had pissed me off. yesterday i had the worst case of 'blah' that i've had in a long time. i couldn't even bear to turn on my music while navigating my way to the office. (when j.a.c. could care less for a tune, you know something's wrong.) i've been utterly uninspired, even within one of the most inspired events of my lifetime. i can't think. words aren't coming out right. i'm void of topics to discuss. i'm just all around plain this week. it's been a doosie.
i'm sleepy.
i'm sleepy.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
President Elect Barack Obama
For some reason, I was knocked out by 8:30. But as my phone starting blowing up around 11:30pm, I had no choice but to wake up, turn on the tv, and let history sweep into my room. The first African-American president of the United States. What an emotional moment.
President Elect Obama just stepped out on stage. (Side bar: Goodness gracious, he's good looking.) I'm amazed at the shots of the audience. Look at these people's eyes. They're so bright. So wide-eyed. So hopeful. So encouraged. So in need.
Now that it's proven that President Elect Obama can walk on water (i.e. redefine what is possible in the Unites States), I'm nervous for him. Make no mistake about it, he will be expected to raise people from the dead, heal the sick, and turn stones into food. He will be expected to move the nation, change the way people think, and heal the country. Can he do it? Can he perform a miracle? Can he save mankind? Will he be powerful enough and wise enough to make a change in 4 years? Will he exercise justice? Will he rule over the nation with love? Will he inject security into the houses of each and every American? Can Barack Obama's government bring peace and happiness to the nation?
Because I like the man that he is and appreciate his efforts, my heart and prayers go out to him.
President Elect Obama just stepped out on stage. (Side bar: Goodness gracious, he's good looking.) I'm amazed at the shots of the audience. Look at these people's eyes. They're so bright. So wide-eyed. So hopeful. So encouraged. So in need.
Now that it's proven that President Elect Obama can walk on water (i.e. redefine what is possible in the Unites States), I'm nervous for him. Make no mistake about it, he will be expected to raise people from the dead, heal the sick, and turn stones into food. He will be expected to move the nation, change the way people think, and heal the country. Can he do it? Can he perform a miracle? Can he save mankind? Will he be powerful enough and wise enough to make a change in 4 years? Will he exercise justice? Will he rule over the nation with love? Will he inject security into the houses of each and every American? Can Barack Obama's government bring peace and happiness to the nation?
Because I like the man that he is and appreciate his efforts, my heart and prayers go out to him.
It's Just One Of Those Days That A Girl Goes Through
When I got on the bus this morning, I didn't even feel like pulling my iPod out. =( Now when your girl doesn't feel like listening to music, something's up. Instead of tuning out to my melodies, I tried to read. But I couldn't concentrate so after a paragraph I closed the book and put it away. I'm so blah. My energy level is way down today and all I really care for is a beach. Or a mountain. Yeah. Somewhere up high would be nice. Like the Bluff in Malibu or Runyon Canon in LA. I'm feeling the need for nature. A breeze in my face and birds above my head. Forget this concrete jungle. NY is suffocating me. Give me a patch of grass to lie in so I can watch the clouds all day. =/
Monday, November 03, 2008
Ursher at Hammerstein
I'm sitting in Hammerstein ballroom right now waiting for Usher to drag his narrow behind on this stage. I should have demanded that a friend tag along with me because I'm encased in a large melting pot of white, asian and black teenage girls. I couldn't be more out of place. I can hear the shrill, little girl screaming to come in my head right now. But I should have known this right? Who else would a Usher show target? One thing's for sure. Usher could NOT pull Maxwell's grown and sexy crowd. I don't care how long Ursh has been around. And then his last album "Here I Stand" didn't do too well either! Why would his crowd be impressive? But I'm here for a reason. I didn't pay $60 for nothing. I am here because, for one thing, I have never seen this man do his thang. And since I grew up with him, I figured I should see him once before he falls off (which may be soon - who knows). It's my duty. And secondly, I appreciate his athleticism and power. Whether it's flying from a ceiling, jumping off a trampeline or spinning on his head (can he do that?), I fancy his effort to be spectacular. So we'll see what this black man is up to on his least acclaimed tour. Will he work his butt of like he should and impress me? Does he still have it? Mmmm. I have doubts but we shall see.Update @ 10:33pm
Usher was good! Good for me that is. I'm not sure if my little screaming friends liked it as much as I did. Well I'm sure they got something out of it being that he did his sexy thing for most of the show (hence "one night stand"), but for me, it was the music. To all my music lovin ladies and gentleman out there, let me tell you. His music set was absolutely amazing! There was so much old school soul to the show... which kinda makes sense for Ursh. But not only because he's older. If you think about it, whenever he performs on an awards show, he's usually being tapped to do an old school tribute to a legendary star right? That's because it suits him so well. His style, his voice which was very nice tonight by the way, his energy. It's perfect. (From what I saw this evening, Usher needs to push himself into becoming the soul R&B singer that he can be... singing Sam Cooke and Marvin Gaye like songs. Grab a little bit of Maxwell's market share! He wants to show maturity right? Well put away the pop mess like Yeah! (I hate that song) and come to the soul side of things Ursh!) So his show was actually way too old for the crowd. But that didn't bother me! When he bust out with the "back in the day when I was young I'm not a kid anymore..." I dag on near lost my mind. But since the teenie, bopper babies around me didn't get it, I was the one looking like the fool. But so what. Singing songs like Prince's "Until The End of Time" to another song that's on the tip of my tongue but I can't seem to spit it out, Usher catered to my soul. After the show, I called my mom and said "I'm so proud of him." I felt like he was my little baby who worked so hard studying for a text and came home with an A. Would I see him again? Mmmm. Sure, if it was free or if he graduated to the soul side. But all in all Ursh did a pretty fine job. So to him I say, "Go 'head baby boy. I ain't mad at chu."
Check out the part of the show where one lucky lady got some one on one attention below. She must have been pre-picked because she was too good at that. I wouldn't have known WHAT to do. lol.
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