Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Ski Trip!

The ski trip is almost here!! I'm so excited!!!!!!!!

I've never been skiing before so this is going to be such a fun experience. Especially since I'm going with my guys and dolls. I love going on trips like this with a big group of people my age. There's always bound to be a crazy story and some memorable moments.

I'm going to try to snowboard instead of ski. I don't care if it's harder. I'm She-Ra the winter warrior! Hear me roar!

I have not one piece of ski gear. Not a jacket, glove, hat, or long john shirt. Yeah I really don't know how this cute ski bunny vision I have in my mind is going to come about. I need to get on the shopping tip quick. I think my mom has ski pants, so I may just steal hers. That woman ain't going skiing anymore. The last time she went skiing, my dad took her up to the top of a slope she didn't want to be on, and straight left her by herself to slide down on her butt all the way down. And he was just a merrily skiing without her, swiveling from side to side like a pro. lol. I think she's traumatized, and therefore will never ski again. But back to me. Since I'll be face planting in the snow for the majority of the trip, I have to make sure my insulation is on point.

I'm so ready to get away. Stacy, Kaslyn and I are going to have a great time together.

Ski by ClassicFashionGirl

Monday, December 29, 2008

Year End Reflections

I am so ready for '08 to be over. This time last year, I had just moved to NY. I was anxious, excited, nervous and terrified all at the same time. I moved 3,000 miles away from the love of my life to start a career with my dream job. Now that I no longer am with that 'love of my life' or that 'dream job', I'm at a full circle. I'm at yet another December feeling anxious, nervous, excited and terrified at the same time. But I'm ready for a fresh start. A beautiful beginning. Another chance.

I remember writing a post about wanting to work on 'glowing'. When I wrote that post, I had every reason to glow. Everything in my life was perfect. I really had no reason to complain. It's a little more difficult to glow when things are so uncertain, but I'm actually willing to accept the challenge and learn to glow during the un-perfect. It is understood that you build character not through the easy times, but during moments when the sun isn't so bright. It's all about how you get through the tough times that makes you the piece of work that you are. So I'm going to work on glowing through this particular time. Not that it's all that bad of a time. Things aren't bad. They're just different. Way different.

There's a line in a movie I saw recently that says, "the easiest way to make God laugh is to tell him what you have planned". How perfect is that, huh? Nevertheless, here's the tentative plan for '09 (subject to change). Move. Buy. Get spiritual. Get creative. Love. That's all I'm going to say for now. There's a whole lot more to it but I'll just let the rest play out in it's own time. If (when) it happens, I might explain further (assuming I remember this conversation). But that's the whole thing about goals and resolutions. Even if you do accomplish them, you forget that you set them and fail to celebrate how far you've come. I can't even begin to remember what I told myself I was going to work on in '08, except for glowing. I'm sure I can go back in my journal or blog to see where I was in life, but I never feel comfortable going back. (Ironically, that's something I always say to ex-bfs - "I never go back".) I like looking forward, not backwards where I can get a clear view into how stupid I was. Yeah, I should be able to see how far I've come as well, but... I just can't look back.

Without physically looking back in a journal or blog, let me see what I've learned this past year. In '04 and '05, I didn't know who I was. Newly out of college, I was naive, awkward and very much alone. In '06 and '07, I lived life to the fullest. Those years were mainly about coming into my own, gaining a special sisterhood unlike I've ever had before, having fun and falling in love. 2008 was a different kind of year. More so than anything, I've learned the power of God, the power of love, and the power of pain. Even though many a great things happened to me this year like moving to NY, meeting new associates who will probably be life-long ones, finding my style, rebuilding my relationship with God and growing closer to my family, I was in pain for the majority of it all. It sounds bleek, but I'm kinda proud of that. Even when my insides were torn apart and full of bullet holes, I was still able to suceed. Strength. I think that's one of my strongest virtues. What doesn't kill you... right?

All in all, I thought I was a pretty wise chick. Thought I had some things figured out about this here life. Boy was I wrong. Can't wait to learn even more in the '09.

Here's to a new year! Wahoo!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

be with me

Today's one of those nights
When you should be here with me
Doing what we normally do
You know...just being into we
I'm not quite sure why you're away
You mentioned something about your plan
But as i said to you earlier
Forget about that damn plan
You wouldn't put a plan before me
Now would you baby boi?
Where does your loyalty lie?
Right here in the bed with me
Nothing could be better than this
If you disagree I want you to prove it
Show me that you'll be okay without me
Remember when you whispered it to me
That you'll never be the same without we
Well come here and act like it
I made my decision when I approved
I acquiesed when I fell in love
So explain to me one more time
Why are you not here with me?
And this time do me a huge favor
Think deeply before you answer
This time I'm asking you to cut the crap
You know you want to be where I am
So come and get me
I'm waiting for you
But I only waiting for a little while


This post is entirely for me to rant. So no need to really even read or comment. Just tryna sort my feelings out.

I'm in a very weird transitional phase right now which has got me kinda screwed up. When I no longer have a schedule or a concrete reason to wake up in the morning, I tend to get a little confused. I wake up in different cities. Can't really keep up with the date anymore. Not sure how long my money will hold out. I keep forgetting what clothes I have in NY and what I have at my parent's house. Not in the mood to go anywhere anymore. I'm very unclear as to what my future holds. My body doesn't even feel right. When I wake up in the morning, after 9 hours of sleep, I feel extremely exhausted instead of refreshed. I get dizzy when I stand up more times than I care to share. I'm just wrong. Completely out of wack.

I'm trying hard to push through this forest of shrubbery that's enclosing around me. Yesterday, my sister and I disappeared to my friend's house (who happens to be out of town) to go hard like we're in finals, and apply for jobs. We were there from 11am to 6pm searching and applying. Searching and applying. Searching and applying. So at least I did that. My life preserver has been cast. I'm just waiting for someone to tug on it so I can get some sort of direction. Sucks that this had to happen around the holidays. I can't tell if people just aren't at work or they don't like me. I want to apply to more jobs, but the listings haven't changed (because no ones at work).

I really want to go someplace warm for a mini-vacation so I can stop sitting in NY and MD looking all confused, but I'm afraid to use my money. My car's registration expired so I have a huge penalty fee coming my way in addition to a ski trip coming up in February. No matter what you do, there's always something. I'm actually excited for the ski trip. I wonder if I can sit tight through the month of January. I could if I had a purpose and a car.

Maybe I should look back to the 15 Things To Do Before 10/09 list and see what I could knock off.
  • go snowboarding - i can check that off
  • obtain an IRA - i need to check my 401Ks at Boeing and Time Inc for a rollover
  • write 7 fantastic songs - i can scratch one off the list. 6 more to go. i'm not in the mood to pen anything write now though
  • get baptized - i'm working on that. going out in service a little more while i'm unemployed wouldn't hurt
  • have a committed relationship w/ a strong & spiritual man - Ha! NEXT
  • take a European trip with sis - since we're both unemployed, that'll have to be postponed
  • spend a weekday in a luxury hotel - i'm going to do this, no matter if i'm unemployed or not
  • become AmEx debt free - well now that i'm back to paying the minimum, i need to change my deadline on this one
  • fine tune my cooking skills - i'm actually ready to do this. if i move back home, i'll make this happen. i'm sure my family would be very appreciative
  • put together a photography portfolio - now this is something i can do right now (well when i can manage to get my car registered). i keep dreaming about photography school and maybe even doing some photojournalism, so... yes. i need to jump on this right away
  • take my vitamen daily - that's probably what's wrong with my body. i haven't been taking a vitamen!
  • gain no more than 5 lbs. - well... something's wrong with me in this area too. my hourglass is not what it used to be. i NEED to gain 5 lbs. i used to hate it when people called me skinny, but right now, that's exactly what i am
  • take dance classes - i'm afraid to exercise because i seem to keep losing weight. if i stick to my New York City Ballet workout DVD, i should be able to tone w/o losing
  • become bomb at my job and get a good raise - errr, umm. the economy kinda killed that one
  • get into interior design - eh. not feeling that right now

Okay so here's what I deduce from the above. I'm funneling all of that information into a thesis of sorts.

j.a.c.'s so-she-won't-go-crazy-while-unemployed to-do list, version 1
Finances - Handle my 401K business. Research Suze Orman advice.
Health - NYCB DVD in the mornings and take daily vitamen supplement.
Spirituality - Daily Bible reading and personal study. Prepare for mtgs. More service.
Lifestyle - Cook. As long as my parents purchase the groceries I'm good. Get a new menu book.
Passion - Take my camera out into the field. Maybe I can do a collection on love.
Career - Apply for 3 - 5 jobs everyday.

Cool. Now I gotta write this down where I can see it everyday and make a schedule. lol. I'm such a structured person. But that's okay. It's what I need to be j.a.c.

Did you enjoy my process? lol. They're always so funny. I start out down in the dumps, or somewhere near there, and then spit out these 1-2-3-4 executed instructions on how to raise myself back up. No wonder I'm so good at math and finance. I'm extremely logical, and if 2 + 2 doesn't = 4, then I'm confused. Eh! It is what it is!


I really do have a problem with this thing called FAITH - "the assured expectation of things hope for, the evident demonstration of realities though not beheld". The assured expectation of things hoped for... Sometimes I feel like I have none of that. I'm not "assured" of anything anymore. Because you know what I hope for? I HOPE for my friends and family to have peace. To not have to deal with the angst that this world puts us through. So many of my girlfriends have gone through truly appalling situations when dealing with health, money, and love. My male friends are out here swearing off women because of how stank we can be. I HOPE, more than anything, to serve God with a man of God. But tell me how many men of God do YOU know? One of the Bible literature books that I read today said, "How does he demonstrate his love for God?" Well...hmm... I don't think I'm acquainted with any men who outwardly demonstrate their love for God through their actions. I HOPE for a job that won't kill me; one that I enjoy working each and every day. I've already had one, so how can I expect another when most people don't even get that opportunity once? With things being so tough out here in this system we call the world, I just can't see how I can believe in anything anymore. This world and the people in it are so damaged. At our heart's core, we all just want to be happy individuals, but that just doesn't seem to work out for anyone. This is exactly why I am taught not to have faith in this system; that the only remedy is to look forward to the new system that God will provide us. Even though I shouldn't say this, that's just not enough for me right now. The fact of the matter is that I'm here. Right now. At this very moment. Sigh..... I'm in one of my holes right now. You know... those holes where you trap yourself in and can't seem to find your way out. But a hole that you could easily help someone else out of when they're in it. I know all of the Bible verses and all of the positive quotes, but my mind has the best of me at this very moment. And that's all because I don't have enough faith.

The Bible tells me that all it takes is a mustard grain of faith, a really really really small particle of faith, to move mountains. But you see, this is a problem for me because I do indeed believe in certain things. I believe that what the Bible says is true. I believe that if you do things the righteous way, your life will be better. I have faith that Jesus will crush Satan when the time comes. Because who can be stronger than God and Jesus? I even have faith that we will all live in an earthly paradise where sickness and death will be non-existent. But even with this faith that I have, my mountains are just not moving. Or maybe they are, and I can't see it. Perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself. In any case, however you cut it, I still feel like I'm lacking in faith. ESPECIALLY when it comes to having my heart's desires. Actually, ONLY when it comes to having my heart's desires. That's it. That's exactly what it is. I know it makes no sense for me to believe that Jehovah will take care of everyone else except for me, but that's what I'm beginning to feel!

I'm doing some Bible research as I type this, and this is what it says under "How can a person acquire faith?" Well first of all, you can't have faith unless you know what you're supposed to believe in. You learn what you're supposed to have faith in through studying God's word. "Failure to study it hinders any development of true faith." Ok. So I need knowledge of God's word. I have that. Now what? In Romans it says that "Faith follows the thing heard." "A person must first found out what the Bible says, and he will strengthen his conviction if he examines it carefully so as to be convinced of it reliability." Hmm... I just looked up some scriptures surrounding that last sentence in my book, and I think I know what I'm missing. The scriptures I read have phrases like "examining the scriptures daily" and "standing before you constantly and listening"... While I'm in church all the time, I don't think I stick to the word as much as the scriptures tell me to. "daily"... "constantly"... naw, I definitely don't do that. And I know that if I did, I wouldn't have time to let that hole, that I mentioned above, eat me alive.

I carry my Bible with me everywhere. I'm the girl in the restaurant, mixer, networking group, backyard BBQ, and bowling alley with my Bible. But as much as I carry my Bible around, I surely don't read it enough. I'm usually in it 3 times a week for very select hours, but those other 4 days is probably when my mind goes wild and sucks me in and tears me apart into little tiny itty bitty pieces. Knowing myself, I need to be in that Bible every single day of the week. That way, I can acquire more faith. If I'm reading encouraging scriptures over and over again, there's no way I couldn't believe in them, AND believe that God will not only take care of others, but me as well.

So there's the remedy. I figured it out. It's all about my personal Bible study (among other things). Yet again, that's the power of what writing does for me. Now I just have to make sure I take the medicine I just prescribed for myself. Now THAT'S the hard part. Sigh...

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Big Dreams

I think I want to talk about dreams tonight. I read that old adage today that says to dream big, so I figured I'd give it a try. I'm not sure how to attach the reality tag to some of these dreams, but I guess having a little faith couldn't hurt. (That reminds me, I'm supposed to be doing some research on 'faith' being that I seem to have issues with that concept.) But if I were to dream big, here's what I would dream for.

  • A Lucrative Passion - I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get paid well for my passion. More specifically, a passion that I'm remarkable in and comes naturally to me. The more and more I play with my camera, the more I realize how attached I am to it. At our organization's family reunion on Sunday, I picked up someone's camera and dag on near lost my mind taking pictures of anyone and everyone. I was on the floor in a dress snapping pics of moments; and it was extremely comfortable. I'm finding that I don't really like taking pictures of objects (although I have this amazing black and white picture of this old tree that I love). I'm more into capturing human emotions and interaction. Smiles, pain, laughter, tears... But photography is just one of my passions.

  • To Give Hope - I come across so many sour pusses. People are generally not happy creatures. Something is always wrong and someone is always ready to give up. I understand that it's the ways of the world, but if I had one dream, it would be to change these ways of the world and give people a reason to be hopeful and positive. I try to do that on an individual basis, but sometimes the encouragement I give doesn't take. I wish there was a universal button I could push that would insert joy into the hearts of down-trodden ones.

  • France, Brazil, South Africa, Greece, Italy, Egypt, England - I'm dreaming of an extraordinary travel experience. I have no idea who I would go with though. I'm all about solo travel right about now so perhaps I could visit some of these places on j.a.c. time in the future. I'm so ready to get out of this country for a second. I don't have enough stamps in my passport.

  • Partner in Crime - The Clyde to my Bonnie.

  • Godly Wisdom - This kind of wisdom is accessible. It's not that hard to attain if you know where to look for it. My dream, however, would be to attain this wisdom and actually use it in my decision-making. I don't know how many times I've been in a situation where I knew what the wise and Godly course of action was, but chose to take the other course. Human imperfection is no joke. It's overpowering even. Acquiring and exercising Godly wisdom would save me so many heartaches and reproof.

  • Massage Therapy - I couldn't imagine having a private masseuse. Not even in my wildest dreams, but boy do I want one. I often have cricks in my neck or tense shoulders so a massage every now and then would be in my best interest. But I actually didn't realize how badly I needed a massage until I received an unexpected one a few weeks ago. I thought I had died. Seriously. It was the most amazing thing I felt in a long time. To have that at any time I so desire? Man!

I'm sure there are more, but that's all I can think of right now. These BIG dreams are probably not big at all. Now that I'm looking back on them, these may just be a set of goals. Things that are attainable. I'm not sure I know how to dream big. I feel like I have basically everything that I want (except for the things I mentioned above.)

I just bought Keyshia Cole's album, and I have her song "Brand New" on repeat. I think I need to close my eyes and start learning the words.... so on that note, good night all.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

What I Need To Do

"My advice to you would be to start with that one thing and then let the other stuff fall into place." - Mikesee

I told him that I seem to know a lot of Grade A men, but they're always missing that 1 thing for me. The most important thing.

Now I've been thinking about this for a while now and it wasn't until Mikesee dropped that on me that I decided it's actually time to do something about it. The first step to doing something about it is to write it down, so here it is....

I get tired of knowing so many great men that I can't date. I get tired of the same old routine - making the acquaintance, having a good time while in the back of my mind realizing that I can't date them, receiving wonderful, open-hearted expressions from these guys regarding stepping up our acquaintance to the next level, and then masterfully maneuvering the situation so that I don't hurt their feelings and yet maintain their acquaintance. Yo. This little road that I'm on is wack! While I'm good at keeping friends who want more as friends only, I'm beginning to wear down a little. It's beginning to cut into my nerves a little. So, here's the solution. I think it's time for a detour. I'm ready to step off of this road and onto another.

If I know what quality is most important to me in a man, why don't I start with men who have that quality, and then let everything else fall into place? Seems logical and too obvious right? Well it is, and yet it's not that simple. I can't go too deep into why on here, but let's just say that there aren't many suitable options out there. In my tight niched world, there are maybe 2 in a pool of 100, and 1 of them is already married. On top of that there are 50 woman standing at that same pool, staring at that 1. You want to talk about competition?!

And then, to add another layer of complexity, I'm not even ready for this superstar man that may or may not be out there! How hilarious is that?! Not to mention that I'm not supposed to find him, and he's actually the one who finds his wife.

But you know what? All is not lost. Even with all of that, I can still step off that old road and stop making these "friends". I don't think I can handle anymore "friends" who want more. It's not going to work for me. Sorry. It's not that I don't want friends/acquaintances. It's just that it sucks always having to say no thank you. So consequently, I need to think about where I'm meeting all these "friends" and stop going there. lol. It's time to start going to another type of party, while I sit quietly and get myself together. It's the only way.

"I'd imagine though that it's hard for you to find someone who has the spiritual side intact but also has the looks, style, ambition, and personality that you enjoy and won't bore you." - Mikesee
Now ain't that the truth!

Ok. This is the last post in a while about men. It ain't all about ya'll... you do know that right?! Lol. =)

It's Hard

This post and it's subsequent comments really upset my little sister today. Being raised the way we were, my sister and I are pretty much "good girls". But from the post/comments, it's pretty much clear that dudes aren't checking for the "good girls". Well, let's not say that. Let's say that dudes aren't checking for "good girls" who are virgins. To be a good girl is okay because mature men are looking to wife up the good girls. But a good girl with no experience in the bedroom is just too much.

I've been through experiences where I've had crushes on guys and they've avoided me because they didn't want to corrupt me. While it sucks at first, it becomes a blessing. It's a great thing when your character speaks for itself and helps to avoid compromising situations. I'm thankful for those crushes who had enough respect for me.

Within the last couple of days, there have been ideas and thoughts tossed around that 'Grade A' men do not exist. And from what I read in that blogpost, I can see why my sis and friends believe so. I'm trying hard not to fall into that line of thought but shoooo... It's downright near impossible! The world and the people in it are a mess. JennWill said to me, "I guess for me I'd rather believe what I want doesn't exist and be surprised when he shows up rather then to believe he does and be waiting anticipating his arrival. That would make me impatient, which would be all bad... " I hear her. I really do. This approach does seem like the better way to go, and I'm thinking about adopting it, however.... I'm a dreamer. I see the world through rainbows. Adopting this mentality just would not be natural for me. Don't get it twisted though. I CAN do it. I can force myself to do anything. It's just a matter of whether or not I want to. What I'm worried about though, is becoming blind. If I do this, will I be able to notice a 'Grade A' man if he hit me upside my head? I'm not trying to have this man look at me and think to himself, "well dag. what happened to her?!" (cue song... Baag Laadyyyy. you gone miss your bus, draggin all them baaags like thaaaaat.)

I'm even more so concerned because my 'Grade A' man is SO rare. A man who's "in the Word" as my friend said yesterday. But he can't only be "in the Word", he has to live his life like it too. Now THAT, my friends, is hard and EXTREMELY rare. I don't know ya'll. I just don't know.

Here's how the convo with my sis ended.

me: yeah. that's another reason i'm so into my spirituality right now. of course i want to serve God just out of principle sake, but i can't meet anyone until i'm right. so i'm in this spirituality thing 100%. I have to be honest, it IS one of my motivating factors. it helps me to keep on the right road

sis: well, i hope you find what you trudging for on the other side then. God, I hope you find it, with all my heart

me: i can't even respond to that. it just hits a tear duct cuz i want it so bad

sis: its all i can say. I know

me: i hope you find it too Pooh.

sis: me too. GOSH

me: doing it the right way can't be bad it just can't. what's the point then? what are we doing then? but God promised us. He promised ME and i'm holding Him to it. i seriously sometimes want to shake God and say, "lookie here man."

sis: lol at your last line. I finally feel what you feel and i'm sitting here with tears in my eyes at work

me: yeah man it's hard def. hard.

sis: alright. Shake it off. and get back to work. I'll ttyl Jen.

me: ok

sis: I can't wait to see you on Sunday

me: ditto. holla girl.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Broken Hearted

I've been crying a lot lately. The love bug has got me twisted. I didn't know that I could still feel this way. In love that is. In love with someone I can't be with. I'm so not healed. I thought I was being that things were getting better. But all of a sudden... wham!... without warning, I'm curled up in a ball trying to hold my heart together.

I need time. A lot of time. I need to heal.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Stuff On The Brain

I am in quite a jovial mood right now. I can say that a lot of my mood is due to the fact that I do not have to get up to go to work tomorrow. Ha ha ha!!!! Wooohoooo! Sundays sure do feel good when you don't have anywhere to be on Monday morning. I actually get to ENJOY my Sunday. Hallelujah! I love being a free soul. Even though I know I have them, I feel like I have not a care in the world right now. This break is soooooo nice. You just don't even know. Now the question of the day, or the century rather is, how can I make this last?!!!!

Haven't actually been on my p's and q's with my spirituality. I be slacking ya'll! A yo! Hold up for a second. HOL UP! How come I'm the only one that ever has to get up and go to church on Sunday? Why I ain't got no church goin friends huh? I always gots to be the only one leaving the spot early Saturday night. No fair! I need to find me some church goin friends yo. Seriously. I need more people like me... I don't think that I really roll with people I can indentify with 100%. I mean I suppose that's to be expectant being that we're not robots, but I don't have any roll partners/friends like me. I'm always the one sticking out like a sore thumb. I think, no... I know that's because I don't have any spiritual brothers and sisters in NY. I mean I do, but not j.a.c.-like spiritual brothers and sisters. I'm talking about the easy going, friendly, just trying to survive like me spiritual girlfriends and guy friends, ya know? Eh. It is what it is. (I miss you JennWill!)

So I think that I'm quite content with my life right now. I think that I have everything that I could possibly want (except a job and a man), but you know what I mean. I have my health (thank goodness that all this tooth pain is gone!), I have all the support in the entire world (yeah ya'll! my family LOVES them some j.a.c.!), my finances are in o-r-d-e-r (who would have thought that I would get a refund check from my old car insurance company! can you say ON TIME?), I'm still pretty smart (I don't know why I say 'still' like the smart juice is going to seep out of my brain through my ears or something, but I am very grateful that I have a brain, cuz some of these people out here... man), and my soul is quiet. I think that last one is the most important to me. My soul is pretty peaceful and it makes for such a good life. I have no nonsense in my life. No drama. No emotional pain. No bad choices to live with. I can say that I've been pretty blessed. God be takin care of me yo! I'm tellin you!

A commercial just came on BET of a bunch of male model naked nasties. Ugh! I can't stand looking at these calendar men with no clothes on. I don't know who thinks that's sexy but something about those men just make me want to throw up. They look so gay. I don't care how many ripples you have in your stomach. If you're posing for a calendar with your hand down there trying to look all sexy in the camera, something's not right. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's just not right.

So the reason why I'm watching BET (cuz I have to explain that) is because Keyshia Cole's show is on and I like Keyshia. So from time to time, when I'm flipping through, I pause on her show. Now you want to talk about some drama. Why is Neffe's baby's daddy holding the baby while barking and cursing at Neffe? Wouldn't you think that as you're holding your son next to your chest with all those angry rhthyms and vibrations and bad energy... that it's going to adversely affect the baby? See that's selfish right there. That's what parents don't understand. It's not all about you anymore. It's about that baby that you're holding against your chest while you're screaming at your baby's mother. Who cares what relationship and situation you have going on with your son's mother. The negativity must stop! It's not good for your child! So Squash that! At least while in front of your child. Next thing you know, that little boy is going to be disrespecting and screaming at women in his life. It's just not right. It's ignorant. (I can't stand cursing. Even though it's all around me and I might want to scream a vulgarity every now and then, something about cursing just gives me the creeps. Maybe it's how people curse. I think it's because cursing is usually a manifestation of anger. And I don't like anger or angry people. But I'm a big girl. I can handle it. I guess.)

Hmmm. What am I going to do tomorrow? I think it's time to buckle down and spend the day trying to find a job. I know that I do not want to stay in New York City. That much is clear. So now that I have that ironed out, I can put a little muscle into my transition. I completely revamped my resume today so I'm ready to do what I have to do. I pray that I'll find something vaguely interesting. I have decided that I will not compare my next job to Essence because there is nothing that can touch Essence. My next job will not be like Essence and that's okay. What's next will be next. Now if this future job can have something to do with culture, entertainment, media, creative or performing arts, I'll be content.

Oh! I'm going to work out tomorrow. Do my NYC ballet workout DVD and work on tightening up these thighs of mine. I'm about to be so sore, but I love the feeling. That means I worked it out. I wish I had an empty studio space. That's something I definitely have to have when I build my dream house. (I never thought about building a dream house. Hmmm.) I want a real studio space with mirrors and a bar all to myself. That will be marvelous.

Alright. I'm going to write in my journal now because I want to drop some real thoughts that I can't really speak about to the world. Have a great week.

Friday, December 12, 2008


I want a special kind of love. I want it to be so amazing, so full of life, so right that it moves mountains and touches the world. I want the kind of love that you see in movies. The kind that makes you cry. The kind that fills your heart with so much longing and faith that you feel like a better person after being a part of it. I want something that they say is impossible. Where two people come together and know that it's right. I want the kind of love that people search blindly for. The kind that no one thinks they can get or deserve. I want more than an everyday love. I want an outstanding love because I believe in it. I believe in it. I know that it exists out there! The kind of love that I know I deserve can't be dead. It just can't be. Because I can't survive with less. I'm just not capable of being in a regular, normal love. I'll suffocate in that kind of settlement. It has to be real, undying, uncompromising, passionate, faithful love. It has to be all-encompassing. I want the kind of love that is alive at all times, even when we're mad at each other. I want a special kind of love. It has to be out there. I have to believe.

Basic Instinct - My Reaction

I just finished watching Basic Instinct. It was my first time seeing it. I think my day is ruined. I probably shouldn't have watched it first thing in the morning. I feel a little screwed up. I will never look at Sharon Stone the same way again.

I need to watch a romantic comedy right now. Maybe that'll kick this creepy tingle I have going down my spine.

Well they surely don't make movies like that anymore.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Perfectly Melancholy

A tear squeezed out of my eye before I could catch it
In the palm of my hand
A hand that hasn't been held in a very long time
It's my turn to lay in the dark
Pitch blackness that comforts me more than a lover's voice
All the noises are purposefully silent
Quiet enough for me to hear my own soft and even breathing
Preferring the dark random moments
Allowing me time to restore my missing inner peace
Pure minutes of living between chaos
Nothing's wrong but nothing's particularly right
It's in this space where I'm warm
Lyrics can sweep and lay heavily on top of me
Blue notes can crush my heart
The tears that well up behind my eyes overflow
Breezes are thick with passion
I'm in love with this gaping hole in my universe
A divinely paralleled place
Inspiring beyond any potential comparison
I'm at home here
I am perfectly melancholy

Monday, December 08, 2008

What Should She Wear?!! - Michelle Obama

This alone has me super excited about the Inauguration! What is Michelle Obama going to wear!!!!!?????

Michael Kors, Diane Von Furstenburg, Monique Lhuillier Oh MY! Choices, choices, choices. Oh what I wouldn't give to be in her position right now!

Since it's going to be freezing, I personally think she should go for a bomb winter coat ensemble. My vote is for sketch number 33 shown here. That coat is FIERCE! Christian Lacroix worked it out! Do you hear me?! WORKED IT OUT!

Check out all her options here!

What's your favorite? What do you think your next first lady should wear on this upcoming historic day?

Friday, December 05, 2008

I Don't Know

The place where I hate to be the most.

Are you moving back to MD? i don't know.
Do you want to stay in NY? I don't know.
Do you want to go back to Time Inc.? I don't know.
When do you think you'll move? I Don't Know.
What do you want to do with your life? I Don't Know.
What's most important to you right now? I DON'T KNOW.
Do you want to be left alone? I DON'T KNOW.


Ran-dumb Thoughts

I'm a mess.
I'm so out of wack.
This is what happens when I don't have structure.
My emails are a mess.
I'm not sure which ones I answered and which I didn't.
What should be marked unread and what I can ignore.
I didn't wrap my hair last night because I simply didn't care.
So now I look like a crazy person.
I can't seem to keep my area straight.
I have unemployment papers and car insurance information spread everywhere.
Usually I'm really good about putting my handbags away, but right now, I can see 4 of them over the edge of my labtop screen.
I've been holding on to these Netflix DVDs forever because I don't know where a mailbox is!
I used to mail my DVDs at work.
Where do the unemployed mail their mail?!
And when and how do I eat?
Aren't there specific hours to eat?
Like 9am, 12:30pm and 6pm?
I never eat at those times anyway, but at least there were open spaces made for them.
My whole day is an open space.
An open hole.
I feel like I'm shuffling around in the dark.
This is what happens to me when I have no structure.
When I have no job.
I need a to do list.
Most of all, I need a desk.
A to do list won't matter if I don't have a reason to do any of it.
I have not a deadline to keep and no where to sit to force myself to keep a deadline.
I feel bad being knocked out when my cousin and aunt leave for work everyday.
They're probably thinking, "this bum! you mooch!".
And it's bumming me out.
It bothers me to sit.
My mood is...

I left the Alvin Ailey performance early yesterday.
I couldn't do it anymore.
If I were to sit there through Revelations, I know I would have screamed.
I just couldn't do it.
My aunt and cousin were probably wondering what was wrong with me.
Everything was wrong yesterday.
I wasn't myself.
I'm still not myself.
Besides, the pain in my mouth was killing me.
I didn't think wisdom teeth extraction would be such a big deal.
These 4 holes in my mouth are quite annoying.
I tried to eat a sandwich yesterday.
Wrong move.
I should've stuck to the pudding and jello.
The lower right hole in my mouth is so tender.

I'm beginning to get that itch.
The rollercoaster ride itch.
The emotion swirling dipping and diving itch.
The itch for magic.
The itch for glory.
But I know better.
I need to open my eyes.
I need to smack myself out of it.
I told my ex-fiance yesterday that I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.
I used to exist by them.
I told him that I don't think I'll never have a diamond ring.
He yelled at me for not having faith.
Reality is reality.
My dreams are dead.
At least those kind of dreams are.

I don't want to stop writing.
What would I do afterwards?
Lay back down?
Close my eyes and think?
Think about what?
It's too cold to get up.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Let Him Lead

All this Ms. Independent stuff seems wonderful doesn’t it? Ne-Yo has single-handedly revolutionized who the independent woman is and what it means to be one. Men and women alike seem to love the concept. My homeboy Mike wrote once, “But Ne-Yo neatly describes the type of woman that turns me on and impresses me. Of course he doesn’t cover everything though. And yes it is something about a woman that has her stuff together and doesn’t need you but chooses to spend time with you because she genuinely enjoys you and sees as much in you as you do in her. To each his own - I know some of you fools like a trophy wife or a chick you can manipulate/control all the time - but give me Miss Independent.” Woman all around me are either stepping up their game to be the “independent woman” that Lauren London and Gabby Union portray in that stunning video, or pumping their feminist fists in the air and rolling their necks as their theme song blairs through the speakers.

Well ladies. Let me warn you. While it is great to have your own, be careful how far you take that mess. I sent a text message to a friend that said, “I’m taking your lead.” He replied back in shock, “And you follow a man’s lead?” Huh?! I’m confused. Is that surprising? If so, why? Isn’t that what woman are supposed to do - follow a man’s lead? Ladies ladies ladies. Why do we have men out here feeling like we want to handle/lead/control everything? I’m sure I don’t have to remind you but when we were created, we were created as help mates. That’s not to say that we’re weak or less qualified. Notice that Adam COULD NOT survive without Eve. Men need us! They need help. Haven’t you notice how your man can’t even pick out an outfit without asking you for advice (which is so sweet and endearing, isn't it?)! However, it is ESSENTIAL that you let…a man…be…a man. Yes, it’s true that we pretty much run things, but because you know this (and in most cases they know this too), you have to at least let them take the lead. Let me give you an example of how this works. If you are in the car together and you suggest he takes route A which is free of traffic or cuts the travel time down by 10 minutes, yet he thinks route B is best, let him go his way. When he runs into traffic or ends up lost, don’t trip and certainly don’t say that you told him so. Let him be the man that he is and find his way out. Although it may burn you up inside and eat at your soul, simply sit back and let him have the control. Not only will it allow him to feel like he wasn’t nagged into doing something he didn’t want to do, but he’ll respect your advice (which is usually 90% correct), AND take it next time! Lol. Imagine how nice it will be next time to hear, “Babe. Which way do you think we should go?” It’s really not that hard. At least not after you get past the first burning hurdle and learn to shut your mouth! =)

The most rewarding part of it all though is that following a man’s lead who has your best interest at heart is relaxing! Talk about a load off! As an independent woman who takes care of herself and makes decisions every single day, I would find it very refreshing to come home to a man who’s got me. To be able to sit back and have someone else make all the decisions for once will be like a slice of heaven right on time. Enjoy the “headship arrangement” and the advantages of being a woman ladies. And remember, two people can’t drive one car. If you try, there will be an accident.
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