Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Ski Trip!

The ski trip is almost here!! I'm so excited!!!!!!!!

I've never been skiing before so this is going to be such a fun experience. Especially since I'm going with my guys and dolls. I love going on trips like this with a big group of people my age. There's always bound to be a crazy story and some memorable moments.

I'm going to try to snowboard instead of ski. I don't care if it's harder. I'm She-Ra the winter warrior! Hear me roar!

I have not one piece of ski gear. Not a jacket, glove, hat, or long john shirt. Yeah I really don't know how this cute ski bunny vision I have in my mind is going to come about. I need to get on the shopping tip quick. I think my mom has ski pants, so I may just steal hers. That woman ain't going skiing anymore. The last time she went skiing, my dad took her up to the top of a slope she didn't want to be on, and straight left her by herself to slide down on her butt all the way down. And he was just a merrily skiing without her, swiveling from side to side like a pro. lol. I think she's traumatized, and therefore will never ski again. But back to me. Since I'll be face planting in the snow for the majority of the trip, I have to make sure my insulation is on point.

I'm so ready to get away. Stacy, Kaslyn and I are going to have a great time together.

Ski by ClassicFashionGirl

Monday, December 29, 2008

Year End Reflections

I am so ready for '08 to be over. This time last year, I had just moved to NY. I was anxious, excited, nervous and terrified all at the same time. I moved 3,000 miles away from the love of my life to start a career with my dream job. Now that I no longer am with that 'love of my life' or that 'dream job', I'm at a full circle. I'm at yet another December feeling anxious, nervous, excited and terrified at the same time. But I'm ready for a fresh start. A beautiful beginning. Another chance.

I remember writing a post about wanting to work on 'glowing'. When I wrote that post, I had every reason to glow. Everything in my life was perfect. I really had no reason to complain. It's a little more difficult to glow when things are so uncertain, but I'm actually willing to accept the challenge and learn to glow during the un-perfect. It is understood that you build character not through the easy times, but during moments when the sun isn't so bright. It's all about how you get through the tough times that makes you the piece of work that you are. So I'm going to work on glowing through this particular time. Not that it's all that bad of a time. Things aren't bad. They're just different. Way different.

There's a line in a movie I saw recently that says, "the easiest way to make God laugh is to tell him what you have planned". How perfect is that, huh? Nevertheless, here's the tentative plan for '09 (subject to change). Move. Buy. Get spiritual. Get creative. Love. That's all I'm going to say for now. There's a whole lot more to it but I'll just let the rest play out in it's own time. If (when) it happens, I might explain further (assuming I remember this conversation). But that's the whole thing about goals and resolutions. Even if you do accomplish them, you forget that you set them and fail to celebrate how far you've come. I can't even begin to remember what I told myself I was going to work on in '08, except for glowing. I'm sure I can go back in my journal or blog to see where I was in life, but I never feel comfortable going back. (Ironically, that's something I always say to ex-bfs - "I never go back".) I like looking forward, not backwards where I can get a clear view into how stupid I was. Yeah, I should be able to see how far I've come as well, but... I just can't look back.

Without physically looking back in a journal or blog, let me see what I've learned this past year. In '04 and '05, I didn't know who I was. Newly out of college, I was naive, awkward and very much alone. In '06 and '07, I lived life to the fullest. Those years were mainly about coming into my own, gaining a special sisterhood unlike I've ever had before, having fun and falling in love. 2008 was a different kind of year. More so than anything, I've learned the power of God, the power of love, and the power of pain. Even though many a great things happened to me this year like moving to NY, meeting new associates who will probably be life-long ones, finding my style, rebuilding my relationship with God and growing closer to my family, I was in pain for the majority of it all. It sounds bleek, but I'm kinda proud of that. Even when my insides were torn apart and full of bullet holes, I was still able to suceed. Strength. I think that's one of my strongest virtues. What doesn't kill you... right?

All in all, I thought I was a pretty wise chick. Thought I had some things figured out about this here life. Boy was I wrong. Can't wait to learn even more in the '09.

Here's to a new year! Wahoo!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

be with me

Today's one of those nights
When you should be here with me
Doing what we normally do
You know...just being into we
I'm not quite sure why you're away
You mentioned something about your plan
But as i said to you earlier
Forget about that damn plan
You wouldn't put a plan before me
Now would you baby boi?
Where does your loyalty lie?
Right here in the bed with me
Nothing could be better than this
If you disagree I want you to prove it
Show me that you'll be okay without me
Remember when you whispered it to me
That you'll never be the same without we
Well come here and act like it
I made my decision when I approved
I acquiesed when I fell in love
So explain to me one more time
Why are you not here with me?
And this time do me a huge favor
Think deeply before you answer
This time I'm asking you to cut the crap
You know you want to be where I am
So come and get me
I'm waiting for you
But I only waiting for a little while


This post is entirely for me to rant. So no need to really even read or comment. Just tryna sort my feelings out.

I'm in a very weird transitional phase right now which has got me kinda screwed up. When I no longer have a schedule or a concrete reason to wake up in the morning, I tend to get a little confused. I wake up in different cities. Can't really keep up with the date anymore. Not sure how long my money will hold out. I keep forgetting what clothes I have in NY and what I have at my parent's house. Not in the mood to go anywhere anymore. I'm very unclear as to what my future holds. My body doesn't even feel right. When I wake up in the morning, after 9 hours of sleep, I feel extremely exhausted instead of refreshed. I get dizzy when I stand up more times than I care to share. I'm just wrong. Completely out of wack.

I'm trying hard to push through this forest of shrubbery that's enclosing around me. Yesterday, my sister and I disappeared to my friend's house (who happens to be out of town) to go hard like we're in finals, and apply for jobs. We were there from 11am to 6pm searching and applying. Searching and applying. Searching and applying. So at least I did that. My life preserver has been cast. I'm just waiting for someone to tug on it so I can get some sort of direction. Sucks that this had to happen around the holidays. I can't tell if people just aren't at work or they don't like me. I want to apply to more jobs, but the listings haven't changed (because no ones at work).

I really want to go someplace warm for a mini-vacation so I can stop sitting in NY and MD looking all confused, but I'm afraid to use my money. My car's registration expired so I have a huge penalty fee coming my way in addition to a ski trip coming up in February. No matter what you do, there's always something. I'm actually excited for the ski trip. I wonder if I can sit tight through the month of January. I could if I had a purpose and a car.

Maybe I should look back to the 15 Things To Do Before 10/09 list and see what I could knock off.
  • go snowboarding - i can check that off
  • obtain an IRA - i need to check my 401Ks at Boeing and Time Inc for a rollover
  • write 7 fantastic songs - i can scratch one off the list. 6 more to go. i'm not in the mood to pen anything write now though
  • get baptized - i'm working on that. going out in service a little more while i'm unemployed wouldn't hurt
  • have a committed relationship w/ a strong & spiritual man - Ha! NEXT
  • take a European trip with sis - since we're both unemployed, that'll have to be postponed
  • spend a weekday in a luxury hotel - i'm going to do this, no matter if i'm unemployed or not
  • become AmEx debt free - well now that i'm back to paying the minimum, i need to change my deadline on this one
  • fine tune my cooking skills - i'm actually ready to do this. if i move back home, i'll make this happen. i'm sure my family would be very appreciative
  • put together a photography portfolio - now this is something i can do right now (well when i can manage to get my car registered). i keep dreaming about photography school and maybe even doing some photojournalism, so... yes. i need to jump on this right away
  • take my vitamen daily - that's probably what's wrong with my body. i haven't been taking a vitamen!
  • gain no more than 5 lbs. - well... something's wrong with me in this area too. my hourglass is not what it used to be. i NEED to gain 5 lbs. i used to hate it when people called me skinny, but right now, that's exactly what i am
  • take dance classes - i'm afraid to exercise because i seem to keep losing weight. if i stick to my New York City Ballet workout DVD, i should be able to tone w/o losing
  • become bomb at my job and get a good raise - errr, umm. the economy kinda killed that one
  • get into interior design - eh. not feeling that right now

Okay so here's what I deduce from the above. I'm funneling all of that information into a thesis of sorts.

j.a.c.'s so-she-won't-go-crazy-while-unemployed to-do list, version 1
Finances - Handle my 401K business. Research Suze Orman advice.
Health - NYCB DVD in the mornings and take daily vitamen supplement.
Spirituality - Daily Bible reading and personal study. Prepare for mtgs. More service.
Lifestyle - Cook. As long as my parents purchase the groceries I'm good. Get a new menu book.
Passion - Take my camera out into the field. Maybe I can do a collection on love.
Career - Apply for 3 - 5 jobs everyday.

Cool. Now I gotta write this down where I can see it everyday and make a schedule. lol. I'm such a structured person. But that's okay. It's what I need to be j.a.c.

Did you enjoy my process? lol. They're always so funny. I start out down in the dumps, or somewhere near there, and then spit out these 1-2-3-4 executed instructions on how to raise myself back up. No wonder I'm so good at math and finance. I'm extremely logical, and if 2 + 2 doesn't = 4, then I'm confused. Eh! It is what it is!


I really do have a problem with this thing called FAITH - "the assured expectation of things hope for, the evident demonstration of realities though not beheld". The assured expectation of things hoped for... Sometimes I feel like I have none of that. I'm not "assured" of anything anymore. Because you know what I hope for? I HOPE for my friends and family to have peace. To not have to deal with the angst that this world puts us through. So many of my girlfriends have gone through truly appalling situations when dealing with health, money, and love. My male friends are out here swearing off women because of how stank we can be. I HOPE, more than anything, to serve God with a man of God. But tell me how many men of God do YOU know? One of the Bible literature books that I read today said, "How does he demonstrate his love for God?" Well...hmm... I don't think I'm acquainted with any men who outwardly demonstrate their love for God through their actions. I HOPE for a job that won't kill me; one that I enjoy working each and every day. I've already had one, so how can I expect another when most people don't even get that opportunity once? With things being so tough out here in this system we call the world, I just can't see how I can believe in anything anymore. This world and the people in it are so damaged. At our heart's core, we all just want to be happy individuals, but that just doesn't seem to work out for anyone. This is exactly why I am taught not to have faith in this system; that the only remedy is to look forward to the new system that God will provide us. Even though I shouldn't say this, that's just not enough for me right now. The fact of the matter is that I'm here. Right now. At this very moment. Sigh..... I'm in one of my holes right now. You know... those holes where you trap yourself in and can't seem to find your way out. But a hole that you could easily help someone else out of when they're in it. I know all of the Bible verses and all of the positive quotes, but my mind has the best of me at this very moment. And that's all because I don't have enough faith.

The Bible tells me that all it takes is a mustard grain of faith, a really really really small particle of faith, to move mountains. But you see, this is a problem for me because I do indeed believe in certain things. I believe that what the Bible says is true. I believe that if you do things the righteous way, your life will be better. I have faith that Jesus will crush Satan when the time comes. Because who can be stronger than God and Jesus? I even have faith that we will all live in an earthly paradise where sickness and death will be non-existent. But even with this faith that I have, my mountains are just not moving. Or maybe they are, and I can't see it. Perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself. In any case, however you cut it, I still feel like I'm lacking in faith. ESPECIALLY when it comes to having my heart's desires. Actually, ONLY when it comes to having my heart's desires. That's it. That's exactly what it is. I know it makes no sense for me to believe that Jehovah will take care of everyone else except for me, but that's what I'm beginning to feel!

I'm doing some Bible research as I type this, and this is what it says under "How can a person acquire faith?" Well first of all, you can't have faith unless you know what you're supposed to believe in. You learn what you're supposed to have faith in through studying God's word. "Failure to study it hinders any development of true faith." Ok. So I need knowledge of God's word. I have that. Now what? In Romans it says that "Faith follows the thing heard." "A person must first found out what the Bible says, and he will strengthen his conviction if he examines it carefully so as to be convinced of it reliability." Hmm... I just looked up some scriptures surrounding that last sentence in my book, and I think I know what I'm missing. The scriptures I read have phrases like "examining the scriptures daily" and "standing before you constantly and listening"... While I'm in church all the time, I don't think I stick to the word as much as the scriptures tell me to. "daily"... "constantly"... naw, I definitely don't do that. And I know that if I did, I wouldn't have time to let that hole, that I mentioned above, eat me alive.

I carry my Bible with me everywhere. I'm the girl in the restaurant, mixer, networking group, backyard BBQ, and bowling alley with my Bible. But as much as I carry my Bible around, I surely don't read it enough. I'm usually in it 3 times a week for very select hours, but those other 4 days is probably when my mind goes wild and sucks me in and tears me apart into little tiny itty bitty pieces. Knowing myself, I need to be in that Bible every single day of the week. That way, I can acquire more faith. If I'm reading encouraging scriptures over and over again, there's no way I couldn't believe in them, AND believe that God will not only take care of others, but me as well.

So there's the remedy. I figured it out. It's all about my personal Bible study (among other things). Yet again, that's the power of what writing does for me. Now I just have to make sure I take the medicine I just prescribed for myself. Now THAT'S the hard part. Sigh...

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Big Dreams

I think I want to talk about dreams tonight. I read that old adage today that says to dream big, so I figured I'd give it a try. I'm not sure how to attach the reality tag to some of these dreams, but I guess having a little faith couldn't hurt. (That reminds me, I'm supposed to be doing some research on 'faith' being that I seem to have issues with that concept.) But if I were to dream big, here's what I would dream for.

  • A Lucrative Passion - I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get paid well for my passion. More specifically, a passion that I'm remarkable in and comes naturally to me. The more and more I play with my camera, the more I realize how attached I am to it. At our organization's family reunion on Sunday, I picked up someone's camera and dag on near lost my mind taking pictures of anyone and everyone. I was on the floor in a dress snapping pics of moments; and it was extremely comfortable. I'm finding that I don't really like taking pictures of objects (although I have this amazing black and white picture of this old tree that I love). I'm more into capturing human emotions and interaction. Smiles, pain, laughter, tears... But photography is just one of my passions.

  • To Give Hope - I come across so many sour pusses. People are generally not happy creatures. Something is always wrong and someone is always ready to give up. I understand that it's the ways of the world, but if I had one dream, it would be to change these ways of the world and give people a reason to be hopeful and positive. I try to do that on an individual basis, but sometimes the encouragement I give doesn't take. I wish there was a universal button I could push that would insert joy into the hearts of down-trodden ones.

  • France, Brazil, South Africa, Greece, Italy, Egypt, England - I'm dreaming of an extraordinary travel experience. I have no idea who I would go with though. I'm all about solo travel right about now so perhaps I could visit some of these places on j.a.c. time in the future. I'm so ready to get out of this country for a second. I don't have enough stamps in my passport.

  • Partner in Crime - The Clyde to my Bonnie.

  • Godly Wisdom - This kind of wisdom is accessible. It's not that hard to attain if you know where to look for it. My dream, however, would be to attain this wisdom and actually use it in my decision-making. I don't know how many times I've been in a situation where I knew what the wise and Godly course of action was, but chose to take the other course. Human imperfection is no joke. It's overpowering even. Acquiring and exercising Godly wisdom would save me so many heartaches and reproof.

  • Massage Therapy - I couldn't imagine having a private masseuse. Not even in my wildest dreams, but boy do I want one. I often have cricks in my neck or tense shoulders so a massage every now and then would be in my best interest. But I actually didn't realize how badly I needed a massage until I received an unexpected one a few weeks ago. I thought I had died. Seriously. It was the most amazing thing I felt in a long time. To have that at any time I so desire? Man!

I'm sure there are more, but that's all I can think of right now. These BIG dreams are probably not big at all. Now that I'm looking back on them, these may just be a set of goals. Things that are attainable. I'm not sure I know how to dream big. I feel like I have basically everything that I want (except for the things I mentioned above.)

I just bought Keyshia Cole's album, and I have her song "Brand New" on repeat. I think I need to close my eyes and start learning the words.... so on that note, good night all.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

What I Need To Do

"My advice to you would be to start with that one thing and then let the other stuff fall into place." - Mikesee

I told him that I seem to know a lot of Grade A men, but they're always missing that 1 thing for me. The most important thing.

Now I've been thinking about this for a while now and it wasn't until Mikesee dropped that on me that I decided it's actually time to do something about it. The first step to doing something about it is to write it down, so here it is....

I get tired of knowing so many great men that I can't date. I get tired of the same old routine - making the acquaintance, having a good time while in the back of my mind realizing that I can't date them, receiving wonderful, open-hearted expressions from these guys regarding stepping up our acquaintance to the next level, and then masterfully maneuvering the situation so that I don't hurt their feelings and yet maintain their acquaintance. Yo. This little road that I'm on is wack! While I'm good at keeping friends who want more as friends only, I'm beginning to wear down a little. It's beginning to cut into my nerves a little. So, here's the solution. I think it's time for a detour. I'm ready to step off of this road and onto another.

If I know what quality is most important to me in a man, why don't I start with men who have that quality, and then let everything else fall into place? Seems logical and too obvious right? Well it is, and yet it's not that simple. I can't go too deep into why on here, but let's just say that there aren't many suitable options out there. In my tight niched world, there are maybe 2 in a pool of 100, and 1 of them is already married. On top of that there are 50 woman standing at that same pool, staring at that 1. You want to talk about competition?!

And then, to add another layer of complexity, I'm not even ready for this superstar man that may or may not be out there! How hilarious is that?! Not to mention that I'm not supposed to find him, and he's actually the one who finds his wife.

But you know what? All is not lost. Even with all of that, I can still step off that old road and stop making these "friends". I don't think I can handle anymore "friends" who want more. It's not going to work for me. Sorry. It's not that I don't want friends/acquaintances. It's just that it sucks always having to say no thank you. So consequently, I need to think about where I'm meeting all these "friends" and stop going there. lol. It's time to start going to another type of party, while I sit quietly and get myself together. It's the only way.

"I'd imagine though that it's hard for you to find someone who has the spiritual side intact but also has the looks, style, ambition, and personality that you enjoy and won't bore you." - Mikesee
Now ain't that the truth!

Ok. This is the last post in a while about men. It ain't all about ya'll... you do know that right?! Lol. =)

It's Hard

This post and it's subsequent comments really upset my little sister today. Being raised the way we were, my sister and I are pretty much "good girls". But from the post/comments, it's pretty much clear that dudes aren't checking for the "good girls". Well, let's not say that. Let's say that dudes aren't checking for "good girls" who are virgins. To be a good girl is okay because mature men are looking to wife up the good girls. But a good girl with no experience in the bedroom is just too much.

I've been through experiences where I've had crushes on guys and they've avoided me because they didn't want to corrupt me. While it sucks at first, it becomes a blessing. It's a great thing when your character speaks for itself and helps to avoid compromising situations. I'm thankful for those crushes who had enough respect for me.

Within the last couple of days, there have been ideas and thoughts tossed around that 'Grade A' men do not exist. And from what I read in that blogpost, I can see why my sis and friends believe so. I'm trying hard not to fall into that line of thought but shoooo... It's downright near impossible! The world and the people in it are a mess. JennWill said to me, "I guess for me I'd rather believe what I want doesn't exist and be surprised when he shows up rather then to believe he does and be waiting anticipating his arrival. That would make me impatient, which would be all bad... " I hear her. I really do. This approach does seem like the better way to go, and I'm thinking about adopting it, however.... I'm a dreamer. I see the world through rainbows. Adopting this mentality just would not be natural for me. Don't get it twisted though. I CAN do it. I can force myself to do anything. It's just a matter of whether or not I want to. What I'm worried about though, is becoming blind. If I do this, will I be able to notice a 'Grade A' man if he hit me upside my head? I'm not trying to have this man look at me and think to himself, "well dag. what happened to her?!" (cue song... Baag Laadyyyy. you gone miss your bus, draggin all them baaags like thaaaaat.)

I'm even more so concerned because my 'Grade A' man is SO rare. A man who's "in the Word" as my friend said yesterday. But he can't only be "in the Word", he has to live his life like it too. Now THAT, my friends, is hard and EXTREMELY rare. I don't know ya'll. I just don't know.

Here's how the convo with my sis ended.

me: yeah. that's another reason i'm so into my spirituality right now. of course i want to serve God just out of principle sake, but i can't meet anyone until i'm right. so i'm in this spirituality thing 100%. I have to be honest, it IS one of my motivating factors. it helps me to keep on the right road

sis: well, i hope you find what you trudging for on the other side then. God, I hope you find it, with all my heart

me: i can't even respond to that. it just hits a tear duct cuz i want it so bad

sis: its all i can say. I know

me: i hope you find it too Pooh.

sis: me too. GOSH

me: doing it the right way can't be bad it just can't. what's the point then? what are we doing then? but God promised us. He promised ME and i'm holding Him to it. i seriously sometimes want to shake God and say, "lookie here man."

sis: lol at your last line. I finally feel what you feel and i'm sitting here with tears in my eyes at work

me: yeah man it's hard def. hard.

sis: alright. Shake it off. and get back to work. I'll ttyl Jen.

me: ok

sis: I can't wait to see you on Sunday

me: ditto. holla girl.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Broken Hearted

I've been crying a lot lately. The love bug has got me twisted. I didn't know that I could still feel this way. In love that is. In love with someone I can't be with. I'm so not healed. I thought I was being that things were getting better. But all of a sudden... wham!... without warning, I'm curled up in a ball trying to hold my heart together.

I need time. A lot of time. I need to heal.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Stuff On The Brain

I am in quite a jovial mood right now. I can say that a lot of my mood is due to the fact that I do not have to get up to go to work tomorrow. Ha ha ha!!!! Wooohoooo! Sundays sure do feel good when you don't have anywhere to be on Monday morning. I actually get to ENJOY my Sunday. Hallelujah! I love being a free soul. Even though I know I have them, I feel like I have not a care in the world right now. This break is soooooo nice. You just don't even know. Now the question of the day, or the century rather is, how can I make this last?!!!!

Haven't actually been on my p's and q's with my spirituality. I be slacking ya'll! A yo! Hold up for a second. HOL UP! How come I'm the only one that ever has to get up and go to church on Sunday? Why I ain't got no church goin friends huh? I always gots to be the only one leaving the spot early Saturday night. No fair! I need to find me some church goin friends yo. Seriously. I need more people like me... I don't think that I really roll with people I can indentify with 100%. I mean I suppose that's to be expectant being that we're not robots, but I don't have any roll partners/friends like me. I'm always the one sticking out like a sore thumb. I think, no... I know that's because I don't have any spiritual brothers and sisters in NY. I mean I do, but not j.a.c.-like spiritual brothers and sisters. I'm talking about the easy going, friendly, just trying to survive like me spiritual girlfriends and guy friends, ya know? Eh. It is what it is. (I miss you JennWill!)

So I think that I'm quite content with my life right now. I think that I have everything that I could possibly want (except a job and a man), but you know what I mean. I have my health (thank goodness that all this tooth pain is gone!), I have all the support in the entire world (yeah ya'll! my family LOVES them some j.a.c.!), my finances are in o-r-d-e-r (who would have thought that I would get a refund check from my old car insurance company! can you say ON TIME?), I'm still pretty smart (I don't know why I say 'still' like the smart juice is going to seep out of my brain through my ears or something, but I am very grateful that I have a brain, cuz some of these people out here... man), and my soul is quiet. I think that last one is the most important to me. My soul is pretty peaceful and it makes for such a good life. I have no nonsense in my life. No drama. No emotional pain. No bad choices to live with. I can say that I've been pretty blessed. God be takin care of me yo! I'm tellin you!

A commercial just came on BET of a bunch of male model naked nasties. Ugh! I can't stand looking at these calendar men with no clothes on. I don't know who thinks that's sexy but something about those men just make me want to throw up. They look so gay. I don't care how many ripples you have in your stomach. If you're posing for a calendar with your hand down there trying to look all sexy in the camera, something's not right. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's just not right.

So the reason why I'm watching BET (cuz I have to explain that) is because Keyshia Cole's show is on and I like Keyshia. So from time to time, when I'm flipping through, I pause on her show. Now you want to talk about some drama. Why is Neffe's baby's daddy holding the baby while barking and cursing at Neffe? Wouldn't you think that as you're holding your son next to your chest with all those angry rhthyms and vibrations and bad energy... that it's going to adversely affect the baby? See that's selfish right there. That's what parents don't understand. It's not all about you anymore. It's about that baby that you're holding against your chest while you're screaming at your baby's mother. Who cares what relationship and situation you have going on with your son's mother. The negativity must stop! It's not good for your child! So Squash that! At least while in front of your child. Next thing you know, that little boy is going to be disrespecting and screaming at women in his life. It's just not right. It's ignorant. (I can't stand cursing. Even though it's all around me and I might want to scream a vulgarity every now and then, something about cursing just gives me the creeps. Maybe it's how people curse. I think it's because cursing is usually a manifestation of anger. And I don't like anger or angry people. But I'm a big girl. I can handle it. I guess.)

Hmmm. What am I going to do tomorrow? I think it's time to buckle down and spend the day trying to find a job. I know that I do not want to stay in New York City. That much is clear. So now that I have that ironed out, I can put a little muscle into my transition. I completely revamped my resume today so I'm ready to do what I have to do. I pray that I'll find something vaguely interesting. I have decided that I will not compare my next job to Essence because there is nothing that can touch Essence. My next job will not be like Essence and that's okay. What's next will be next. Now if this future job can have something to do with culture, entertainment, media, creative or performing arts, I'll be content.

Oh! I'm going to work out tomorrow. Do my NYC ballet workout DVD and work on tightening up these thighs of mine. I'm about to be so sore, but I love the feeling. That means I worked it out. I wish I had an empty studio space. That's something I definitely have to have when I build my dream house. (I never thought about building a dream house. Hmmm.) I want a real studio space with mirrors and a bar all to myself. That will be marvelous.

Alright. I'm going to write in my journal now because I want to drop some real thoughts that I can't really speak about to the world. Have a great week.

Friday, December 12, 2008


I want a special kind of love. I want it to be so amazing, so full of life, so right that it moves mountains and touches the world. I want the kind of love that you see in movies. The kind that makes you cry. The kind that fills your heart with so much longing and faith that you feel like a better person after being a part of it. I want something that they say is impossible. Where two people come together and know that it's right. I want the kind of love that people search blindly for. The kind that no one thinks they can get or deserve. I want more than an everyday love. I want an outstanding love because I believe in it. I believe in it. I know that it exists out there! The kind of love that I know I deserve can't be dead. It just can't be. Because I can't survive with less. I'm just not capable of being in a regular, normal love. I'll suffocate in that kind of settlement. It has to be real, undying, uncompromising, passionate, faithful love. It has to be all-encompassing. I want the kind of love that is alive at all times, even when we're mad at each other. I want a special kind of love. It has to be out there. I have to believe.

Basic Instinct - My Reaction

I just finished watching Basic Instinct. It was my first time seeing it. I think my day is ruined. I probably shouldn't have watched it first thing in the morning. I feel a little screwed up. I will never look at Sharon Stone the same way again.

I need to watch a romantic comedy right now. Maybe that'll kick this creepy tingle I have going down my spine.

Well they surely don't make movies like that anymore.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Perfectly Melancholy

A tear squeezed out of my eye before I could catch it
In the palm of my hand
A hand that hasn't been held in a very long time
It's my turn to lay in the dark
Pitch blackness that comforts me more than a lover's voice
All the noises are purposefully silent
Quiet enough for me to hear my own soft and even breathing
Preferring the dark random moments
Allowing me time to restore my missing inner peace
Pure minutes of living between chaos
Nothing's wrong but nothing's particularly right
It's in this space where I'm warm
Lyrics can sweep and lay heavily on top of me
Blue notes can crush my heart
The tears that well up behind my eyes overflow
Breezes are thick with passion
I'm in love with this gaping hole in my universe
A divinely paralleled place
Inspiring beyond any potential comparison
I'm at home here
I am perfectly melancholy

Monday, December 08, 2008

What Should She Wear?!! - Michelle Obama

This alone has me super excited about the Inauguration! What is Michelle Obama going to wear!!!!!?????

Michael Kors, Diane Von Furstenburg, Monique Lhuillier Oh MY! Choices, choices, choices. Oh what I wouldn't give to be in her position right now!

Since it's going to be freezing, I personally think she should go for a bomb winter coat ensemble. My vote is for sketch number 33 shown here. That coat is FIERCE! Christian Lacroix worked it out! Do you hear me?! WORKED IT OUT!

Check out all her options here!

What's your favorite? What do you think your next first lady should wear on this upcoming historic day?

Friday, December 05, 2008

I Don't Know

The place where I hate to be the most.

Are you moving back to MD? i don't know.
Do you want to stay in NY? I don't know.
Do you want to go back to Time Inc.? I don't know.
When do you think you'll move? I Don't Know.
What do you want to do with your life? I Don't Know.
What's most important to you right now? I DON'T KNOW.
Do you want to be left alone? I DON'T KNOW.


Ran-dumb Thoughts

I'm a mess.
I'm so out of wack.
This is what happens when I don't have structure.
My emails are a mess.
I'm not sure which ones I answered and which I didn't.
What should be marked unread and what I can ignore.
I didn't wrap my hair last night because I simply didn't care.
So now I look like a crazy person.
I can't seem to keep my area straight.
I have unemployment papers and car insurance information spread everywhere.
Usually I'm really good about putting my handbags away, but right now, I can see 4 of them over the edge of my labtop screen.
I've been holding on to these Netflix DVDs forever because I don't know where a mailbox is!
I used to mail my DVDs at work.
Where do the unemployed mail their mail?!
And when and how do I eat?
Aren't there specific hours to eat?
Like 9am, 12:30pm and 6pm?
I never eat at those times anyway, but at least there were open spaces made for them.
My whole day is an open space.
An open hole.
I feel like I'm shuffling around in the dark.
This is what happens to me when I have no structure.
When I have no job.
I need a to do list.
Most of all, I need a desk.
A to do list won't matter if I don't have a reason to do any of it.
I have not a deadline to keep and no where to sit to force myself to keep a deadline.
I feel bad being knocked out when my cousin and aunt leave for work everyday.
They're probably thinking, "this bum! you mooch!".
And it's bumming me out.
It bothers me to sit.
My mood is...

I left the Alvin Ailey performance early yesterday.
I couldn't do it anymore.
If I were to sit there through Revelations, I know I would have screamed.
I just couldn't do it.
My aunt and cousin were probably wondering what was wrong with me.
Everything was wrong yesterday.
I wasn't myself.
I'm still not myself.
Besides, the pain in my mouth was killing me.
I didn't think wisdom teeth extraction would be such a big deal.
These 4 holes in my mouth are quite annoying.
I tried to eat a sandwich yesterday.
Wrong move.
I should've stuck to the pudding and jello.
The lower right hole in my mouth is so tender.

I'm beginning to get that itch.
The rollercoaster ride itch.
The emotion swirling dipping and diving itch.
The itch for magic.
The itch for glory.
But I know better.
I need to open my eyes.
I need to smack myself out of it.
I told my ex-fiance yesterday that I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.
I used to exist by them.
I told him that I don't think I'll never have a diamond ring.
He yelled at me for not having faith.
Reality is reality.
My dreams are dead.
At least those kind of dreams are.

I don't want to stop writing.
What would I do afterwards?
Lay back down?
Close my eyes and think?
Think about what?
It's too cold to get up.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Let Him Lead

All this Ms. Independent stuff seems wonderful doesn’t it? Ne-Yo has single-handedly revolutionized who the independent woman is and what it means to be one. Men and women alike seem to love the concept. My homeboy Mike wrote once, “But Ne-Yo neatly describes the type of woman that turns me on and impresses me. Of course he doesn’t cover everything though. And yes it is something about a woman that has her stuff together and doesn’t need you but chooses to spend time with you because she genuinely enjoys you and sees as much in you as you do in her. To each his own - I know some of you fools like a trophy wife or a chick you can manipulate/control all the time - but give me Miss Independent.” Woman all around me are either stepping up their game to be the “independent woman” that Lauren London and Gabby Union portray in that stunning video, or pumping their feminist fists in the air and rolling their necks as their theme song blairs through the speakers.

Well ladies. Let me warn you. While it is great to have your own, be careful how far you take that mess. I sent a text message to a friend that said, “I’m taking your lead.” He replied back in shock, “And you follow a man’s lead?” Huh?! I’m confused. Is that surprising? If so, why? Isn’t that what woman are supposed to do - follow a man’s lead? Ladies ladies ladies. Why do we have men out here feeling like we want to handle/lead/control everything? I’m sure I don’t have to remind you but when we were created, we were created as help mates. That’s not to say that we’re weak or less qualified. Notice that Adam COULD NOT survive without Eve. Men need us! They need help. Haven’t you notice how your man can’t even pick out an outfit without asking you for advice (which is so sweet and endearing, isn't it?)! However, it is ESSENTIAL that you let…a man…be…a man. Yes, it’s true that we pretty much run things, but because you know this (and in most cases they know this too), you have to at least let them take the lead. Let me give you an example of how this works. If you are in the car together and you suggest he takes route A which is free of traffic or cuts the travel time down by 10 minutes, yet he thinks route B is best, let him go his way. When he runs into traffic or ends up lost, don’t trip and certainly don’t say that you told him so. Let him be the man that he is and find his way out. Although it may burn you up inside and eat at your soul, simply sit back and let him have the control. Not only will it allow him to feel like he wasn’t nagged into doing something he didn’t want to do, but he’ll respect your advice (which is usually 90% correct), AND take it next time! Lol. Imagine how nice it will be next time to hear, “Babe. Which way do you think we should go?” It’s really not that hard. At least not after you get past the first burning hurdle and learn to shut your mouth! =)

The most rewarding part of it all though is that following a man’s lead who has your best interest at heart is relaxing! Talk about a load off! As an independent woman who takes care of herself and makes decisions every single day, I would find it very refreshing to come home to a man who’s got me. To be able to sit back and have someone else make all the decisions for once will be like a slice of heaven right on time. Enjoy the “headship arrangement” and the advantages of being a woman ladies. And remember, two people can’t drive one car. If you try, there will be an accident.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Blogging From The Berry

I'm on my way to Maryland... My cousin is sitting next to me reading a book and my Nana and Aunt are seated behind us. Since we started on our journey 2 hours ago, I think my Nana has tapped me on the shoulder to ask me a question about 7 times. I love her to death but goodness gracious woman. Sit back and enjoy the ride in Bolt Bus's spacious and comfortable leather seats. It's going to be an interesting and jolly weekend. Everyone's going to be excited to see one another. As for me, I feel like I'm the one family member who has lived with or spent considerable and large amounts of time with everyone, which consequently kills a little bit if not all of my excitement. Because of my last two relocations, I've lived with all of my aunts, one of my uncles, and one of my cousins. I thought I knew my family before but now I know that my cousin and I are cousins only, and not friends. I now know that my uncle is a sexist and I also know my oldest aunt's wig size. I think it's about time I take back my own space. I think I might be rather quiet this Thanksgiving weekend. Fade into the background a bit while everyone else catches up. Even though I'm not a fan of other people's babies, I might just round them all up and take them to the park. Sit on the park bench and be still for a moment while they drain their energy.

If I could be anywhere right now, or when I get off this bus, it would be in the living room of my own house (if I had one). The room would be zen like, the candles would be lit, jazz would be on, and I would wear a large oversized cashmere sweater with lotioned legs. I would probably lay in the center of the plush carpet on my back with my legs up in the air and my eyes closed listening and thinking. My burgundy leather bound journal and my favorite pen would be next to me just in case I needed to flip over on my stomach and jot a thought down.

Do I love my family? Absolutely. Am I thankful for them? Everyday. But do I care to see them right now? Not really. I just need a break. I just need me.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Miley Cyrus and Stuff

I should be resting my achy, stuffy, sneezing head right now, but I have the urge to blog. About nothing in particular of course.

Is it wrong that I like Miley Cyrus's new song? "Don't you wish that you could be a FLY ON THE WALL!" Ha ha ha. I love it. I've seen her perform twice now. Once on the AMAs and tonight on the finale of Dancing with the Stars. If I was her age and had little to no voice, I'd be doing the same thing, so go 'head Miley! Make that money!

My job has been working the MESS out of me these last couple of days. It's almost like the memo went out that I won't 'be with them much longer so they shot the gun in the air and screamed, "GO GET HER! MAKE HER WORK!" Forget that. I'm done. No I can no longer supply you with a quote. No I don't have P&G's estimates for the year. No I don't have access to SAM data. Leave me alone! Can you believe the girl who's taking over my job had the audacity to cc me on an email saying that I would take care of something before I left. Oh Word?! I believe that tomorrow is my last day. j.a.c. doesn't go above and beyond anymore. Of course I was the only fool there to 5 o'clock these last past 2 days. All of my other laid off co-workers were gone at like 2pm today. Well not tomorrow. I purposefully cleared out my desk today and put my out of office, or out of Time Inc Forever message up. After going through my emails and dumping a whole bunch of forwards and FYI emails into the new girl's inbox, I'm going to drop off my papers to HR and be out! I should be there no longer than 2 hours tomorrow. Watch me.

I like "808s & Heartbreak". But I'm into that sad, meaningful stuff with a new sound. Coldplay, Frou Frou, etc. Kanye's actually speaking about something that resonates with me this time. I can feel his heart in his music, and I appreciate that. You know what it is? I can dance to it. Like get into the studio and choreograph to it. I like that.

I used to like Lisa on "The Housewives of Atlanta", but when she went off on Kim for putting it out in the open how she heard about NeNe's song, I lost respect for her. Lisa went dag on near crazy! Calling her a liar and threatening to push her over the couch. Lol. Push her over the couch. That's funny. If you told Kim, you told Kim! So what?! You said that you already apologized to NeNe for opening your big mouth, so why are you threatening to push Kim backwards over the couch and break her neck?! Calm down! Geez!

Drama. Gross. I have none and I'm so thankful for that. Don't nobody have time to deal with that mess. What does j.a.c. need ya'll?! I NEED PEACE.

I miss my car. I'm about to be 'reunited and it feels so goooooood!' I have a problem though. Since I've been in NY, I haven't bought not one actual compact disc. How am I going to ride around in my car without new music to blaze from the stereo? I could connect my ipod to my radio, but it's not the same. There's static in that thing. I guess I'll have to burn CDs from my iTunes library. But I hate bootleg looking CDs - titles of albums written in big black marker with someone's scratchy handwriting across the blank silver surface. That's so not sexy. Speaking of my car, I have about $8K left to pay on it!!! Wohooo! I'm about to OWN my car!

Jon B has a song on his new album "Helpless Romantic" entitled "The Ride of Our Lives". Oh man. I love it. It's about the joys of bringing a child into this world. Totally unexpected from Jon. The woman's voice on the track is absolutely beautiful. "Then you gave me life through a precious little girl. She changed my focus and helped me notice that that's what love is." I absolutely LOVE Jon B's voice. He doesn't look as good as he used to, but that voice is more perfect than ever.

My manager gave me a bouquet of hot pink roses in a pink and red vase for my bday. They were absolutely beautiful. I didn't realize how much I love flowers. Never thought I was that kind of girl. But they actually make me very happy. I bought myself a sunflower a couple of months ago, and was warm from the inside out having it next to me. Cheesy I know. But whatever. Your girl likes flowers! Sue me.

I'm trying to decide if I want the Blackberry Storm. I still have time to exchange my Curve. I need to test it out. I usually like for them to get the kinks out of it first and then pick up the 2nd generation model. We'll see though.

I did a photography shoot over the weekend for my girl who will be selling this shirt and bag on her site Chris Leeann Boutique. Look at some of my work. She's a gorgeous girl, isn't she?

From ChrisLeeann Boutique - Obama Shirt

From ChrisLeeann Boutique - Obama Shirt

From ChrisLeeann Boutique - Obama Shirt

I also modeled recently for the launch of a clothing line called Shauntele'. As soon as I have pics, I'll share those too.

Ok, it's past midnight. Time to drug myself up and go to sleep. Til tomorrow!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Date A Friend

I've written a lot about relationships in the recent weeks,

Men Update
Update on Men Update
Why Didn't It Work?
Question To The Fellas
The Ladies Speak Up
A Gentleman's Guide to Approaching a Woman

mainly due to the fact that it's all anyone ever wants to talk about.

Relationships are the universal obsession. You know, sorta like music is the universal language. When you meet someone new, the easiest way to crack the ice is to talk about how hard it is out here, how crazy woman can be, how done we are with men, or how bad we feign to tango but can't seem to find anyone worthwhile. Every single person has a story to tell. What gets me though is that everyone's saying the same exact thing!

My homies will say to me that they want someone who's intelligent, who understands the importance of space, one who can be that sexy mama in her 3 inch heels and then a delicate natural beauty in sweatpants and a t-shirt, one who's easy going and likes a good time, one who won't lose her mind in public when things don't go her way, has common sense, and who isn't just flat out crazy.

And then us lovely ladies will say that we want a man who's educated, financially responsible, respectful, has a job or is passionate about something, who's funny, has common sense, can be a boss at the appropriate times, is hardworking and a man's man.

Well if I'm telling my homies "I don't know where you're looking because I have homegirls just like that" while they're telling me that they have loads of homeboys who have everything I'm looking for, then why are we all running past each other like blind bats in the morning sun?! Well I think I might be able to answer that one for you. How many times have you heard, "who? bob?! nooooo. that's bob! i can't mess with bob. that's good old bobby bob! the homie, bob! that's my boy!" Lol. Lookie here people (and I'm talking to myself too). Chances are that you are SURROUNDED every single day (at work, in church, at events) by the exact type of a person you are looking for. He or she was probably the last person you talked to on the phone. Check your recent calls list! But when you start eliminating people, one by one for no apparent reason other than, "naw! that's bootsie! i can't date bootsie!", aren't you sorta prolonging your unwanted singleness? Do this little exercise with me and go through the names in your phone. If you take a catalogue of your friends of the opposite sex in your address book, won't you pretty much find all the qualities you want? Why else would you be friends with them if they weren't 'reasonable', 'fun', 'sane', 'respectful', 'intelligent', 'attractive'? Now I'm not saying that every friend you have is a dime, but it is almost guaranteed that you have at least 1 that fits the job description. I know, I know. But that's your boy right? Or that's your homegirl. You've known each other for yeeeaaarrrrsssss. S/he knows everything about you. What if it doesn't workout? What if it doesn't work out AND you inadvertantly kill the friendship? I hear you. I really do. But isn't it the point to be with someone who knows you inside and out? Isn't it always better when two lovers were friends first? Won't it be easier to cut the prolonged unwanted singleness if s/he is right there in front of your face? No more searching. No more wading through the waters. No more "it's hard out here" moments. I don't know.... You tell me people. Would you be willing to take the risk? Would the potential award be worth it? Can you take a glimpse from a different angle? See your friend as something more? Be gutsy enough to take that step? Or how about this question - AREN'T YOU JUST TIRED?! Lol. I know I am. I guess all I can say is good luck people. Good luck.

Hit me.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Dedicated To You

"At this point in our relationship, I have come to the conclusion that the word love no longer can describe how I feel about you. The magnitude of how much I care, the intensity with which I miss you, the degree to which I want to make you happy, cannot be expressed by telling you, "I love you." The mere fact that you have heard the words "I love you" in a past relationship confirms that you will not be bale to grasp how much more you mean to me when I say it. For the reality is, no man, except for Jesus Christ Himself, has or will ever love you more than I do. That is why I need another word. Not just a synonym or acronym, but a powerful, potent word that makes you shiver every time you hear it. A word so filled with passion and conviction that your eyes water just in anticipation of me saying it to you. Until that day comes, it is my only hope that my everyday actions of putting these feelings into practice will make up for the inability to express them to you in words. So what I want for you to do right now is fall into my arms and allow me to squeeze you ever so carefully and sensually. Let the warmth, sincerity, tenderness and protectiveness of my arms say what man has yet to define."
-S. James Guitard

26. Gross!

Okay. Umm.... I'ma need the aging process to slow down now.
Now that I've had my 25 years, I'm cool on growing old.
25 was a nice age.
A tenderoni age.
Young and sweet.
At 25, I was younger than everyone else.
Kept my position as the baby.
It doesn't matter that the people around me are aging too!
That's not the point!
Whenever I said, "I'm 25", I got "oh you're still a baby!"
But 26?
What kind of age is that?
There's nothing cute about 26.
It's so blah.
What 26 means is that I'll be 30 in no time.
It means I have no right to do certain things anymore.
Like do stupid stuff and go to the club every night.
It doesn't matter that I do don't that stuff anyway!
That's not the point!
I'm not allowed to do it anymore.
And I don't like my privileges taken away.
Turning 26 reminds me of "the plan".
You know, "the plan" that didn't happen.
Be married with 1 kid "plan".
Yeah yeah yeah.
The only "plan" is God's plan.
I've accepted it.
But that's not the point!
It doesn't mean I don't remember!

Is is okay to not be happy about turning 26 tomorrow?
Of course, I appreciate the wisdom that comes with a new year.
The new experiences.
The gift of a new day.
But I really don't like that number.
And then 27.
I think I'm going to have a convulsion.

At some point, I'll do the whole reflection thing.
Think back on the amazing year I had as a 25 year old woman.
Thank God for everything I've made it through.
Look forward to where I want to be.
Blah blah blah.
But for now, I have to get over turning 26.
Hold me!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Rihanna - Rehab

This girl is bad. Justin looks really good in this. Mmmm. Cream in my coffee.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Pouring Out My Heart

I have so much on my mind.

Again, he told me that he wants me back. He says that he's different. That he's made changes for not only himself but God as well. He wrote, "I know I can't make it without Him...I tried by myself already." I told him that was fantastic. It really is admirable. But I can't just jump back in. I suggested that if he's really going to live for God, try doing it on his own for a while. Certainly longer than 4 months. Try his new lifestyle out for a while, build it up, and then come check for me. But honestly, I don't think it'll ever work. I'm TERRIFIED to do it again! It was SO HARD. Being with someone who has a different value and moral standard than I do... Ugh! It sucks! It's hard merging a life with someone who's only accountable to himself. When I want to make every single decision based on my relationship with God and he wants to do what he wants to do... It's just not going to work. I want a husband who has that really really really deep respect and fear for Jehovah God. Who says, no I can't cheat on my wife because God will KILL me! Or no, I won't lie on my job like my boss is asking me to because I'll disappoint God. Who thinks that losing his job is worth more than jeopardizing his relationship with God. That's a hard decision for a man to make when he has a family to feed, ya know?! I want a man who puts himself in check because of God, not because of me. I want a man who has studied and meditated on what God requires of him and truly truly desires to live by it so that he can stay in God's good graces. And it's a hard thing to do, all of that! Especially when it makes you look different from other people - because it will. Believe me, I know. It's a struggle for me every single freakin day! It's an uphill journey! No, it's freaking up the mountain crawling on your hands and knees journey! And it certainly takes longer than 4 months to get there. I just want a servant of Jehovah. That's all I want. It's my number 1 requirement. If he has that then the honesty, the responsibility, the love...it will all be there. Just give me a servant of Jehovah God. Please God. Please.

And that's where I am right now. I'm asking for this servant, but I can't have one if I'm not there myself. When the chapter on my ex and I finally ended, I knew it was time to make God my closest confidant. So right now, it's just me and God. Just me and my Father. And there's not a person out there than can take that away from me right now. You just don't understand how badly I NEED and WANT Him in my life.

I lost my job Thursday. There were 600 lay-offs at Time Inc and I have 2 weeks until my last day. When I watched the people crying and depressed the other day, my heart broke for them. I can't imagine how it would feel not to have God standing right next to you holding your hand. I know 115% for a fact that God will not leave me. He's helped me this far so why wouldn't I be okay? Ever since my break-up, which I think was one of the most timely things that have ever happened to me, I've been diving into some really creative things that I am longing to pursue. I realize that I have talents that I haven't even begun to tap into. I feel like I'm surrounded by protection that can only come from one being. Do you know that I sold my first song a couple of weeks ago? Can you believe that I have a modeling gig in the next couple of days? Isn't it fantastic that I just came into $700 that I didn't know about? Isn't it crazy that my parents JUST found out they can build their new house without having to sell the current one, which means I can live there if I want? How is it that all of this is just happening right at the time of my lay-off? Surely not by my own graces. I have supreme cushion on all sides. He will not leave me and He never has. I'm not the least bit worried and I'm definitely looking forward to what my life will hold. Especially since I have Him. There's no where to go but up from here.

Speaking of up, Essence was THE best job I have ever had. I prayed and prayed and prayed for that job and it turned out to be the perfect opportunity. I woke up every single day ready to step into that building and walk through the double doors into the Essence office. It was a privilege. When speaking to my manager who also was let go, she said she couldn't help but to think about me because she knew how much Essence was my baby. It really was. And it will continue to be. I will always have a special place in my heart for Essence. I'm really going to miss the family that I build there. My department was unique. Even though I worked directly for Essence, I was in a cluster with finance people who worked for Real Simple and InStyle magazines, so I was around a diverse group of individuals. White, Asian, men, women, old, young, crazy, quiet. That was my family for 11 months ya'll. And ALL of us got along! How insane is that?! All 12 of us. But now that there are only 4 left standing, we'll all go in different directions and just cherish the relationships that we've built. Essence was a blessing. It truly was.

So what's next? I definitely have to write. I was just asked to contribute to another blog and help administer the site for a new enterprise back out in Cali. That's going to be a piece of cake for me. And I adore the guy who's running this enterprise. His heart is so big that I'll do anything for him. The music team I sold my song to (GEM and NK) has asked me to work with them, so I'll continue to do that no matter whether I stay in NY or move back home. I have a pretty good severance package so I'm thinking about perhaps going to photography school. I did say that I want to put together a portfolio by October 2009 didn't I? GEM doesn't want me to leave so he's working to find me a job in NY. He's already pushed me onto a couple of people's plates which was really kind of him. And then this modeling thing? It's just something to do. A one time thing. Even though I'm 5'9" and a size 6, my butt is way too big to model. I have a sista card and that's not going to work. Modeling is not my thing either. I had fun doing it in college but it's not my style. If I take it seriously, I think it'll take me in a direction I'm not willing to go if you know what I mean. And then there's always the option to go back to school. I LOVE school. Always have. But I'm too creative to do finance and business school. I have to find the right school niche.

Moving home is my only concern. For all four of us to be under one roof again. Mmm... It gives me the chills. Let's just put it like that. Two grown children cannot peacefully co-exist with their parents. My sister and parents are having a hard time as it is. I think they're not even speaking right now. I SO don't want to move back in and be a part of that drama. I need peace in my life. (lol. how many times have i said that!) I love my family, but they are just too much. I told my mother that I think they've all gotten out of control. Because of how difficult it is, they've somehow gotten really mean towards one another. What is that all about?!! ILLL. I can't do that! My mother says that I'm probably exactly what they need to pull it back together. Well why do I have to be that person?! Lol. I'm really sensitive and most likely will start crying when family stress drags me there. Everyone will probably check themselves if that happens because no one like to see me cry. A family meeting will be called and everything. I can already see it! But the next family meeting I want to have is with my own husband and 2.5 kids! Feel me?! I don't want a 9 to 5 job, but if that means getting me out of Ramblewood then that's what I'll have to do.

My dad told me that in hard times, with family is the best place to be. I wholeheartedly agree. Every one's going to need their mommies and daddies the way things are going with this economy. Can you believe that 6,000 jobs were lost in NY in the month of October alone?! Yeah, we're going to need each other. My sister is excited for me to come home. I'm glad she's excited. It's nice to know she feels that way about me. My sis and I have a good relationship. My prayer for her is that she build a firm relationship with God. The lady is so smart. Intelligent beyond belief, but she can be such a frantic mess sometimes. I think that a relationship with God will help her with that. But like I said up top, that takes time. Everybody has to take that journey if they desire it. It's a long one, but it's super rewarding.

I never or hardly talk about my relationship with God on this blog, even though it's such a huge part of my life. But the closer I get to Him, the more I feel like an outsider. But that's to be expected and I'm prepared for it. For example, I have a lot of nice male friends. For the girls who don't really get it, I often hear "i don't understand why you're not dating him or hopping on that right now, cuz giirrrlllll, if i were you..." Yeah, I can imagine why you don't understand. It's not that simple for me. Which sucks sometimes because I realize that I'm limiting my choices. A man who serves God the way I do! Ha! Yeah, that's like searching for the underwire on Aretha Franklin's bra. But that's what I want. And I did say that God won't leave me right? If I don't have faith, how will it be delivered? (And that's why if it's even possible, the ex is going to have to come SO hard. I mean SOOOOO hard. I don't feel like an average woman. I KNOW I'm not. My standards are so high. Too high for him, I believe.) And then this past Halloween, which is a holiday I really don't get down with, I got chastised for not celebrating it. I've never been pushed so hard to celebrate this holiday before. I used to be surrounded by people who kept away from Halloween and all that it stood for, but for some reason, I lost all those people. Lol. It's weird how I'm constantly reminded of my choices, but that's a good thing. I'm constantly reminded of my relationship with God. And if that's what it takes, then so be it.

I feel like I've been writing for an hour, but I needed this. This is one of those posts that I'll be able to look back upon and see growth. I feel like I'm in a good place and prayerfully, I'll stay here.

Ciao bellas.

Friday, November 14, 2008

"Cream In My Coffee"

i see them!
i see white boyz!
i promise you they weren't there before.
they were not a part of my world.
but now...
they're everywhere!
where did they come from?
and why are they so fine?
the blinders are off.
i'm in a new world.
unchartered territory.
there's no love lost for my chocolate bars.
i will 4ever love dark chocolate.
my first love.
nothing like it.
but i'm wondering.
could i like white chocolate?
would he know what to do with me?
will he appreciate my cinnamon?
can he do it too?
i wonder.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A View Into A Man's Heart

It's nice to see into a man's heart every once in a while. How sweet is this ladies!?



My Ex Is Getting Married

Oh! Here's something I completely forgot to talk about.

Last week, my ex got engaged. When I think about how I feel, I sense that my eyebrows furrow and my forehead wrinkles up in a 'hmmm....' kind of face. I don't know how I feel! I do but I don't. So I'm going to take a little time and write this out, because it's always through writing that I figure myself out.

So he was my high school sweetheart. My very first boyfriend. We were together for something like 3 years and broke up during freshman year of college. He's a great guy. Really giving. Sweet. Hardworking. Talented. Yada yada yada. He lost both of his parents, so while we were dating he was basically adopted into my family. To this day, my mom considers him her part-time son. It's hard to explain or imagine, but my mom and his relationship has absolutely NOTHING to do with me. That's something that they keep completely separate from me. There's a bond there that I am not connected with at all, and totally don't care to be.

He's been with his new fiance for almost a year so we don't really talk anymore except for that rare occasion where we end up having an hour convo just to catch up and see how life is. Usually we just end up talking about our current relationships. About two weeks ago though, he called me and out of the blue said, "do you ever think of us getting back together? you know, with the great relationship that i have with your parents, i wonder about it sometimes." (To provide you with a little background info, his fiance's parents are not a fan of him AT ALL, which irks the mess out of me, but that's a story for another day. I guess he was just thinking about how different it would be if he was with someone who's parents actually liked/loved him.) Even before he explained, I knew where this was coming from. I understood completely that he was cleaning the closet and closing chapters in order to move forward, which I had no problem with. I kindly replied that I don't, and then we proceeded to have a 2 hour conversation about us, his girlfriend and marriage. And it was deep. Being that it would probably be the last conversation we ever have, it was necessary.

Now that he's engaged, I think I feel... umm... hmmm.... geez....I don't know! I seriously can't figure this out. Well maybe I should start with what I'm not. I'm not hurt, but I'm not ecstatic either. We broke up 7 years ago so there's too much distance to be hurt or disappointed or whatever. It's just been too long. But I'm not ecstatic for him because from the little that he's told me about his relationship, it just seems so hard. Her parents don't like him...she still lives with them so she has a hard time making decisions without them in her ear...she's not happy about his relationship with my mother (which is totally understandable)...she's put him through things, and vice versa. It's just a lot! And I don't think he deserves that. I'm worried for him. But that's just my little humble outsider opinion. When he in so many words asked me what I thought about him popping the question, I just told him that to have that ring on your fourth finger left hand one day, and then the next day it be gone, hurts like a bitch. (sorry to curse, but i can't think of a better word right now.) I've been there, and it's no joke. It stabs further than he will EVER imagine. So if he's not 115% sure, DON'T DO IT. I know SH like the back of my hand. And I know he wasn't 115% sure. Besides that fact that I can read inflections, tones and pauses in his voice like a mind-reader, why would he be calling me if there were no hesitations? So now he's engaged, and I'm worried. But it's none of my business, so my job is to keep moving on with my life and say a little prayer for him and his fiance.

I told him that if I was his girlfriend, I would slap him right now for having this convo with me. But as one of his oldest and dearest friends, I'm glad he called. So if all works as SH plans, I will never speak to him again. And that's okay. We're all growing up and it was going to happen sooner or later anyway. It was going to be either him or me first to say, "alright. i'm falling off the map", which is exactly what he said to me before we hung up. Aww.... Parting is such sweet sorrow. Actually, THAT'S how I feel. Sweet Sorrow. There you have it.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Gentleman's Guide to Approaching A Woman

I have to say that I think men are doing it all wrong. (Disclaimer - For convenience sake, I am generalizing. Okay? Okay.) I had a discussion with ED yesterday and he told me that whenever it's time to approach a woman, his mind goes blank. (How cute!) When I asked CR how he approaches women, he said he's normally straight up, but that tactic hardly goes well for him. (That sucks.) Well gentleman, I'm not sure what's going on or how it's working for the rest of you, but follow me down the yellow, brick road for a second. Please.

Imagine this. You see a beautiful female, so you walk over to her and say a variation of "I am very attracted to you and would love to get to know you better. Can I have your number?" Now if that woman is anything like me, she's going to tilt her head to the side, look at you like you have a booger in your nose, and say thank you but no thanks. Let me explain something. It's not that we don't appreciate the compliment, but many of the women I know aren't too keen on giving their personal information to a man they know nothing about. I mean from that one question, you can't even tell whether he has sense or not. It's sorta creepy to be honest. When you think about it, this man is saying, "I know you know nothing about me, but since I paid you a compliment, let me have the line of communication into your life." Uh uh. And then to go a little bit deeper, since pretty women are a dime a dozen, I feel like a man who approaches a woman in that manner isn't very picky about who he lets in his life. It begs the question of whether or not he asks every attractive woman he sees for her number. And that's not good.

When you want to approach a woman you're attracted to, my suggestion is to be observant, keep it light and have a conversation. For example, if you notice her and her girlfriend giving each other that look when some crazy guy finally leaves them alone, laugh and say something like, "man, you handled that really well. i'm impressed." Chances are she'll laugh and include you in the situation; give you a little recap of what happened, and bingo! There's your window to what gentleman? Noooo. Not into asking for her number. For more chatting! Yeah, I'm sorry. You have to work just a little bit harder. Or if she spills her drink, offer her some napkins and say something playful like "tear it up girl! just tear it up! hopefully your oxi clean will handle that!" Corny i know, but corny is okay! Hopefully she'll smile back and say something like, "I know right! I'm a mess sometimes." Or take a note from a guy I met the other night. While walking across the room, he stopped me and sincerely asked, "What made you decide to cut your hair?" It wasn't until we got further into the conversation and he asked me for a date that I realized his opener might possibly have been a pick-up line. But after discussing hair, life changing moments and gradual vs. sporadic decisions, I didn't care whether it was a pick-up line or not. He was a little less of a stranger than when he asked me his first question. The point is, don't come at her like you want something. If you know anything about women, you know that we dream dream dream about falling in love with a man who's a true friend. So be that friend! But not in a sly under-handed way either. Don't use it as a means to an end fellas. If you're grown, you're probably interested in something sincere. SO BE SINCERE. Have an actual conversation. That way when you finally ask for her number, you can actually say AND mean "i enjoyed chatting with you and would love to continue the convo some time".

But guys, what I'm about to break down is the most important part. So pay very close attention! I'm SURE you don't just want a pretty face (right?), so use the situation as way to determine if she's worth YOUR energy. After one of your charming and funny remarks, she just may say something crazy and totally out of line. Or she could be cold and non-responsive with her no-people-having-skills self. Or she could be miss snooty attitudey. Or the girl could just talk too dag on much! Isn't that the worst! What's the point of plugging a worthless number into your phone? Ya know? Put little miss pretty on your OWN on-the-spot interview. But be really low key and cool about it. See if she deserves YOU. You're full of worth too! Feel me?

Gentleman, does that make sense? How do you feel about the "guide"? Is it something you do already? If you don't, might you take my advice? Ladies, do you agree? How would you want a man to approach you? Would you rather him not beat around the bush and learn more about him at a later time? Or are you like me, preferring to discern his personality and get a sense of his character before giving him the golden ticket?

Monday, November 10, 2008

What's Your Temptation?

One of the guys asked me the title question the other night, after briefly touching upon religion. Back in the day, I could have answered that quickly, but I really had to think hard about it. I've had many temptations in my adult life, but ever since I became the single lady that I am, my temptations have pretty much dwindled. I guess that would indicate that most of my temptations were sexual in nature, but that's not really the case. But of course, since I'm one of those no-sex-before-marriage girls, divulging in the temptation of pre-marital sex was extremely difficult. But in general, I was never tempted by things like food (gluttony), drugs (illegal fixes), or money (the love of it), rather my temptations were kinda psychological in nature. For example, when I was young, my self-esteem issues played a HUGE part in tempting me to accept attention that was not good for me. But now that I'm older, my temptations are very few and far in between. Oh but wait! I AM tempted by new things, i.e. clothes. It's very hard to say no when you can find 12 reasons why you deserve the item regardless if you need it or not. =)

I more so have struggles, not temptations. I think there's a difference. I struggle with my own thoughts. Stuff like 'you're not moving on fast enough', 'you haven't done enough', 'you aren't reaching the goals you set for yourself', 'when will you ever get married'. It's those thoughts that kill me more than anything else.

I know what my temptation is. Music. Music can make me do just about anything. It's almost like it worms it's way into my veins and manipulates me into certain acts. Not good. To maintain my integrity, dignity, chasteness and all of that, I need to curtail some of the things I listen to. But boy is that hard for a music lover such as myself. smh.

What's Your temptation/struggle?

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Last Night

I was so unfocused. I was thinking about last night in service this morning. I wonder if anyone saw me smiling to myself in the corner. And I wasn’t even going to go out. When CR texted me, I was sure I would be asleep before they got into the city. Actually, I was hoping I would be so I could stay under my warm electronic blanket. But I was writing at the time and my thoughts weren’t fading. There was no time to lay my head down.

When I left Tillman’s, the dude outside said, “You came alone AND you had all of them going crazy.” Did I? But what do the two have to do with one another? I’m confused. Anyway, I know one thing. I had a ball. CR and his main man, who will forever be my favorite dance partner, were the best company. Just me and the guys. In fact, I felt like I was the only female in there. In a sea of men. Yes there were other females but I think I talked to not a one. Like I said, last night, it was just me and the fellas. I danced. Laughed my butt off. Had interesting conversations about deserving the best. I even made new friends acquaintances.

I was talking to dudes like I knew them for 15 years. But that’s the environment that the spot lends itself to. It’s so intimate that you have no choice but to feel like you know everybody. It’s perfect. Everyone in there is family. And how could you not be family when the DJ drops old school joints you haven’t heard in 10 years? Music bonds the world.

On the way out, I squeezed my way through the crowd and mysteriously found myself sandwiched between two of the cutest men who seemed to have come out of nowhere. (They surely weren’t there for all 2 and a half hours of my time there. Your girl would have noticed them quickly.) But check this. I swear that time stood still and the world froze as they stopped their convo and stared down at me. They made me nervous! And I never get nervous around men. Or at least I haven’t been so since my high school days when I had a crush on the Greek guy in my class. You know what it was though? They were both tall. Yes! That’s what it was! Because I’ve never had a tall boyfriend, I am fascinated with men above 6 feet. I’m intrigued by that big man, little woman thing. How would it be to look up at him? To stand on my tippy toes to reach his lips? Hmmm. Anyway, yes. Those two pillars of chocolate stunned the mess out of me. It’s a good thing my mind went blank because I might have had a new temptation on my hands. =)

I have a feeling that whenever I hang out with CR, my world will light up. His ring leader craziness is infectious.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Beyonce Review

Speaking of plain (see post below), check out Bey's I Am Beyonce/I Am Sasha Fierce album here. Because B'day was just so electric and wild, I was waiting in anticipation for Beyonce's softer side to soothe me over. The I Am Beyonce album is just indeed softer, but... it's so just plain. Almost like you can play it in the background and forget about it. It feels very cookie-cutter and formulated. Almost like she doesn't have any creative control. Like how Rihanna was before she found her niche or how executive-driven Christina was before she cut ties and got dirty. You know what I mean? Each found their niche. With this album, I find myself asking what's Bey's niche? I think the answer is Sasha Fierce. In an interview I read somewhere, Bey said that she thinks she's finally made a classic album. I'm not sure about that. Dangerously in Love was the classic - perfect from the beginning to the end - but I guess perfection is hard to duplicate. The I Am Sasha Fierce album does exactly what it's supposed to do. And you know what that is ladies! Haaay!

Still... with that said, my favorite songs are "Halo" (her best power ballad), "Disappear" ( I really like the melody of the "when i think about it" line) "Video Phone" (heck yes!), and "Diva" (it's got Lil Wayne's "A Millie" swagger to it).

I'm hearing that she'll make videos for the entire album like she did last time. Well yeah... She's going to have to with this mediocrity. How else are we going to fall in love with it and eventually by the deluxe version that's selling for a whopping $23! If it wasn't Bey, should couldn't pull that kind of crap.

Thursday, November 06, 2008


i wrote my last two journal entries in red pen. i never write in red. my words are always laid out on the page in black or blue ink. more black than blue though. for the last two days, however, red has ruled my world. i woke up mad tuesday morning. like someone in my dreams had pissed me off. yesterday i had the worst case of 'blah' that i've had in a long time. i couldn't even bear to turn on my music while navigating my way to the office. (when j.a.c. could care less for a tune, you know something's wrong.) i've been utterly uninspired, even within one of the most inspired events of my lifetime. i can't think. words aren't coming out right. i'm void of topics to discuss. i'm just all around plain this week. it's been a doosie.

i'm sleepy.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

President Elect Barack Obama

For some reason, I was knocked out by 8:30. But as my phone starting blowing up around 11:30pm, I had no choice but to wake up, turn on the tv, and let history sweep into my room. The first African-American president of the United States. What an emotional moment.

President Elect Obama just stepped out on stage. (Side bar: Goodness gracious, he's good looking.) I'm amazed at the shots of the audience. Look at these people's eyes. They're so bright. So wide-eyed. So hopeful. So encouraged. So in need.

Now that it's proven that President Elect Obama can walk on water (i.e. redefine what is possible in the Unites States), I'm nervous for him. Make no mistake about it, he will be expected to raise people from the dead, heal the sick, and turn stones into food. He will be expected to move the nation, change the way people think, and heal the country. Can he do it? Can he perform a miracle? Can he save mankind? Will he be powerful enough and wise enough to make a change in 4 years? Will he exercise justice? Will he rule over the nation with love? Will he inject security into the houses of each and every American? Can Barack Obama's government bring peace and happiness to the nation?

Because I like the man that he is and appreciate his efforts, my heart and prayers go out to him.

It's Just One Of Those Days That A Girl Goes Through

When I got on the bus this morning, I didn't even feel like pulling my iPod out. =( Now when your girl doesn't feel like listening to music, something's up. Instead of tuning out to my melodies, I tried to read. But I couldn't concentrate so after a paragraph I closed the book and put it away. I'm so blah. My energy level is way down today and all I really care for is a beach. Or a mountain. Yeah. Somewhere up high would be nice. Like the Bluff in Malibu or Runyon Canon in LA. I'm feeling the need for nature. A breeze in my face and birds above my head. Forget this concrete jungle. NY is suffocating me. Give me a patch of grass to lie in so I can watch the clouds all day. =/

Monday, November 03, 2008

Ursher at Hammerstein

I'm sitting in Hammerstein ballroom right now waiting for Usher to drag his narrow behind on this stage. I should have demanded that a friend tag along with me because I'm encased in a large melting pot of white, asian and black teenage girls. I couldn't be more out of place. I can hear the shrill, little girl screaming to come in my head right now. But I should have known this right? Who else would a Usher show target? One thing's for sure. Usher could NOT pull Maxwell's grown and sexy crowd. I don't care how long Ursh has been around. And then his last album "Here I Stand" didn't do too well either! Why would his crowd be impressive? But I'm here for a reason. I didn't pay $60 for nothing. I am here because, for one thing, I have never seen this man do his thang. And since I grew up with him, I figured I should see him once before he falls off (which may be soon - who knows). It's my duty. And secondly, I appreciate his athleticism and power. Whether it's flying from a ceiling, jumping off a trampeline or spinning on his head (can he do that?), I fancy his effort to be spectacular. So we'll see what this black man is up to on his least acclaimed tour. Will he work his butt of like he should and impress me? Does he still have it? Mmmm. I have doubts but we shall see.

Update @ 10:33pm

Usher was good! Good for me that is. I'm not sure if my little screaming friends liked it as much as I did. Well I'm sure they got something out of it being that he did his sexy thing for most of the show (hence "one night stand"), but for me, it was the music. To all my music lovin ladies and gentleman out there, let me tell you. His music set was absolutely amazing! There was so much old school soul to the show... which kinda makes sense for Ursh. But not only because he's older. If you think about it, whenever he performs on an awards show, he's usually being tapped to do an old school tribute to a legendary star right? That's because it suits him so well. His style, his voice which was very nice tonight by the way, his energy. It's perfect. (From what I saw this evening, Usher needs to push himself into becoming the soul R&B singer that he can be... singing Sam Cooke and Marvin Gaye like songs. Grab a little bit of Maxwell's market share! He wants to show maturity right? Well put away the pop mess like Yeah! (I hate that song) and come to the soul side of things Ursh!) So his show was actually way too old for the crowd. But that didn't bother me! When he bust out with the "back in the day when I was young I'm not a kid anymore..." I dag on near lost my mind. But since the teenie, bopper babies around me didn't get it, I was the one looking like the fool. But so what. Singing songs like Prince's "Until The End of Time" to another song that's on the tip of my tongue but I can't seem to spit it out, Usher catered to my soul. After the show, I called my mom and said "I'm so proud of him." I felt like he was my little baby who worked so hard studying for a text and came home with an A. Would I see him again? Mmmm. Sure, if it was free or if he graduated to the soul side. But all in all Ursh did a pretty fine job. So to him I say, "Go 'head baby boy. I ain't mad at chu."

Check out the part of the show where one lucky lady got some one on one attention below. She must have been pre-picked because she was too good at that. I wouldn't have known WHAT to do. lol.

Related Posts with Thumbnails