Thursday, January 13, 2011

Winter Needs Color

My Success

I'm watching OWN. In particular, Oprah presents Master Class: Jay-Z. I guess what Oprah said about creating a network that inspires people is really working out because as Jay-Z talks about life, and more specifically successes and failures, I can't help but to think about my own life.

As you may know, I'm jobless at the moment. The idea of only getting out of something what you put in is kinda getting on my nerves, because I honestly don't want to put a whole lot into this job search thing. Am I lazy? Umm... Well, let's put it like this. Since I started 5th grade at The Potomac School in McLean, VA, I have been working my BUTT off. I'm talking blood, sweat and tears. I've been on this path of notch schools, top competing dance companies, being pushed to do public speaking engagements in front of political figures at the age of 16, forcing my brain to figure out calculus 2 math that I know I was never going to get and then going to tutoring sessions on my break so as to not 'give up'... My childhood and teenage years were hard. Very hard. I was always struggling to persevere. At this point in my life, I don't won't to be forced. I don't want to push until blood, sweat and tears fall. I want something more natural.

I was pushed at the right time though. During a person's informative years, s/he should be pushed. That kind of forced direction builds a foundation that I am thankful for. I'm glad that I have the skills and knowledge that I have. I wouldn't be who I am without those tools.

But anyway, Jay-Z's master class made me realize what I've been struggling with... The fact of the matter is that I am jobless, and if I tune into what I've heard all my life, being jobless directly contradicts the idea not wanting to push. To be honest, I don't even want 'that' job that I've been educated to do. But since I have no choice (or do I?), is the only way I'll get a job that fits me if I exert myself vigorously? Jay-Z said that when he was writing rhymes at the kitchen table, it came easy to him. So since his mother told him that you get out of life what you put in, he believed that nothing would come from rhyming. It was too easy. He wasn't putting much into it, so a rap career wasn't feasible. It was too natural. Now, that's what I'd like to touch into. And I say that with all passions of passion. Meditating on that concept... I think that's why I find Jay-Z to be an extraordinary man. Not only did he have the intelligence to let his natural talents work for him, but he stays true to himself in the game of push and shove. But look at Jay. He's not a lazy man. He works. He creates. He thinks. He has drive. So maybe it's true. You can only be successful if you put in work. Maybe laziness is not an option. But is that what I am?!

"Failure is a great teacher, and if you're open to it, every mistake has a lesson." - Oprah
"I've learned more from failures than successes." - Jay-Z
"The worst thing you can do is be as successful as someone else. That's draining." - Jay-Z
"You can have success, but to maintain success is another thing." - Jay-Z

These quotes are getting me to thinking... What are my failures? I don't think I can itemize them, but what I can do is say that anytime I haven't been passionate about something, it hasn't worked so well for me. Oprah said that the point she really liked was when Jay-Z spoke about "learning from his failures and no longer chasing success, but following his truth." She pointed out how that's a lesson for all of us. Find your own truth and follow it. I love that. And as of today, that is my mission. To find my own truth and follow it.

My success isn't the same as my husbands. He feels success with a promotion, not to mention that men feel successful when they are able to take care of their families. My success isn't the same as a mom who once said that her children are her success. I don't have children, so I wouldn't know anything about that. But the thing that those people have is that specific feeling of success. I know I'm successful because of my blessings. My family, this roof over my head, the ability to be jobless and still be comfortable. In that way, I feel successful. I didn't ignore counsel and marry a man who didn't love Jehovah. I didn't drop out of school and run away like I once thought of doing. I avoided drugs, stealing and stripping. Hence, I'm successful. But I still don't have that defined success that I'm looking for. What I need now is depth of clarity. Jay's master class advises us to follow our own instincts for what is true to us individually. So what is true to me?

What am I passionate about? Ummmmmm. *crickets* If I were to ask someone else, they would say music, dance, writing, photography... But my thing is if I were really passionate about those things, wouldn't I do them more often? Or maybe (here we go again), I'm just lazy. Ugh. I'm learning that there's a fine line between laziness and being true to who you are. So it looks as if I have an action item. Walk that fine line, and find my balance. To be continued...

I think Jay's quote sums it up the best for me. "Be true to yourself. It sounds like a simple thing to do but it's not. You have all these pressures to succeed and then to stay there. I'm trying to find that truth and tap into something really important, as well as have fun. It's not always about the responsibility of being great every single second. Sometimes I just wanna be silly. Sometimes I just want to be wrong. Sometimes I wanna be provocative and push buttons." - Jay-Z

Monday, January 10, 2011

About Nothing In Particular

I'm laying in bed listening to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Sometimes it feels good to lay in the bed at odd hours. I got into some meditation like I promised myself and ended up dozing off. I guess I did it right. My eyes have been hurting me though, which is why I'm in my bedroom laying in the dark in the first place. MJ is out in the living room watching tv. Even though I am obsessed with being around that man, it's nice to have our own thing going on at times.

So, I applied to 6 jobs last week. I'm not applying to just anything anymore. I'm being very specific with my applications. The next company I work with has to fit my needs just as much as I have to fit theirs. Tomorrow I'll dive into the hunt again. The unemployment lady said I should get some money by Wednesday. That will be ideal because I am all spent out. I got a little happy and bought myself a few things late last week. I haven't shopped in a while so I'm excited about my online purchases.

I had a good weekend. Friday night, I had a little girl's night out dinner which was fun. Sometimes you need a little estrogen charged talk. Saturday, MJ's best friend and his wife came in town. It's interesting to see MJ with his best friend. I learned a lot about him. We had a nice dinner and caught the Little Fockers movie. Yesterday, we were invited over a friend's house to play games and have dinner with a group of young married people. I had a lot of fun, even though the husbands won the men vs women Guesstures game. It's really nice to have a social life every now and then. I'm itching to put on a party dress and actually go out to a lounge. I haven't put a dress on that wasn't for religious reasons in a very long time.

My parents seem to be doing well in Huntsville. I don't miss them yet. I wonder how long it will take for me to feel the void. I should plan a trip down there. But my mother will be up here in no time for Pooh's graduation among other things, so I'm not sure if I should just yet.

I need to get back into my Zumba class. That was a lot of fun. The profuse sweating is an issue though. I'm getting really tired of doing my own hair, but I suppose now is the not the time to go back to regular hair appointments. I want to get a half weave so bad, cover up my neck a bit in these cold days. I'm ready for a change. I've avoided getting a haircut for the purpose of this planned weave, but if I can't swing it, I need a haircut stat! When you have a short cut, it has to stay short and sharp. There is no middle ground or you end up looking like you have a mushroom head. I have an appointment for the 22nd, so I'm wait to see what these unemployment funds look like before I cancel. I really hope I can swing it. Maintenance is an issue as well. I can't do my own hair with a weave... We'll see.

Alright. Family worship time. Later.
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