Thursday, January 31, 2013

Give To Get

I've been obsessing lately over the lack of romance in my marriage. It's consuming my every thought and breathe. More than hubby knows. But with the help of a tweet, I just had an aha moment. (This is the first time twitter has made my life. Put a little effort into it and magical things happen.)

"The key for both sides is to do what's needed to have the other side wanting to offer... whether it be sex or romance." - Tweeter that shall remain anonymous

Hubby and I went on a date the other night, and although he tried by opening up the car door on 2 occasions, the romance fell flat. But I don't want to harp on what he didn't do. Instead I want to talk about that quote... I was told that a man's idea of romance is sex. yes, very basic and to be expected. A woman's idea of romance has very little to do with sex and can take an unlimited number of forms. Whatever the form, as long as the woman feels like she's the most beautiful and most special woman in the universe, romance has been accomplished.

The problem in my house, (here's where the quote comes in) is that neither of us have the other side wanting to offer what each other needs. Hubby doesn't do anything that makes me want to offer sex. And I don't do anything that makes him want to offer romance. I have relations with him because I know I need to in order to keep my man and whenever the urge hits me. Hubby romances me when... well. He romanced me when he was trying to become my one and only. In the here and now? Not so much.

So now that we're 3 years in, and the romance is gone and relations are by obligation or by my need, I'm finding that that quote will be my inspiration for a better relationship. And it's not that our relationship is all that bad because we've been doing very well lately. It's just that I have a need that is not getting filled. I'm 99% sure that he'll say the same thing of me. The danger of not fulfilling each others needs could be detrimental. An extra marital affair, the-needle-that-broke-the-camels-back argument, or all out disappointment in our marriage.

Deep down inside though, I find it hard to be the one to start this giving process. It's a very complex thing to give of yourself intimately when you don't feel cherished. Yes, he'll say that he cherishes me. But I don't FEEL cherished. We're best friends. We laugh. We can hang. I enjoy being with him. He enjoys picking on me. That's my homie. But does he make me blush? When he sings Carl Thomas' lyrics in the car ("I couldn't take my eyes off that girl for nothing. She looks like love. It felt so natural...I'm all caught up..."), I always get jealous of the air that he sings that too. If those words fell on me in all sincerity and genuineness that I can read from his eyes, I'd be putty in his hands.

But we're young. Relationships go through phases. At 28 and 30, being homies is what it's all about. We're hanging out with friends, we have no kids, we're having a whole bunch of fun. At 38 and 40, I'm hoping that the game changes up a bit. It seems like the older you get, the more you appreciate each other and see the beauty of the other.

But before I die of this lack, I have to figure out how to get it. Cause telling him just doesn't work.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Ran-dumb Thoughts

I slept so hard last night
I wish I could have this draining effect that my period has on me most nights
Without the period
Being a light sleeper is the worst now that I'm married
Period week
This is the week where I give up
I could care less about the important things
I did manage to do laundry last night/this morning, and unpack a bag that's been sitting on the floor for 2 weeks now
I had a slight case of frenzy
I could feel the chemical imbalance.
Work isn't happening today
I'm here, but I already know it's going to be a lazy/unproductive day
This 4 day work week has been the longest ever
My stomach is bothering me
Nina Simone is pouring from the speakers of my iPhone
She makes me feel cultured
With her musky voice
It's interesting how many people have sampled her music
So what's up with this A$AP Rocky person?
Do I really need to get on board?
Beyonce links to his album on her blog
JT's 'Suit and Tie' song...LOVE
Prince's 'Screwdriver' song...LOVE
That man is the king of rock and roll.
Back to A$AP
Why must these rappers all look like this?
Scrawny, teenager with homemade plaits in his head
Is this the look we're going for?
Why can't we present ourselves a bit better?
Dudes can just do whatever they want in the game
Females on the other hand need complete image/look overhauls
It's dead in here
The VP is in Albany
The manager is working from home
The co-worker is wading through hundreds of emails after being away on travel
It's the perfect day for Netflix
Or to explore new music
I got a bonus
It'll be in my paycheck tomorrow
The government will take a big bite out of it
I've probably spent 90% of it already on my pillows
I want to go clothes shopping
Weddings, assemblies, conventions
I have outfits to buy
Rachel Roy, Asos, Zara
It's so funny though
I put in effort but feel so regular
Vanity is like the wind

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Mood: PMS

My stomach hurts. I'm tired. I have very little patience. I'm cold.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Marley Joey/Mason Alex

It's Sunday and I don't have to work tomorrow. MJ went skating and I'm home on my sofa with a movie on. I couldn't have planned a more perfect evening. Alone in my favorite spot. I haven't really had the chance to enjoy my living room since I rearranged it. MJ was right. It's much more comfortable this way.

I don't talk about this with my husband anymore. For really good reason too. I'm not trying to stress him out. I've had so many different feelings about this subject that I can't recount them myself. But if I don't write this down, I fear I won't be able to fully sort out my thoughts.

I love thinking about baby names. But ask me if I'm ready to have a baby. I can't believe how many times I've changed my mind on this subject. One minute every fiber in my body is dying for a baby and then next, I'm cringing over the idea of waking up earlier than 7am. Yesterday as I woke up and slowly came to life, I felt so free, so grateful to be able to wake up on my own terms. I don't understand this Jekyl and Hyde thought process of mine. How do you want something so bad one minute and not want it at all the next? It would be fine if one of these feelings stuck. But I've gone through this so many times, I don't know what's true anymore.

I have normalized my expectations though. I have put away the calendars, period trackers, fertility apps, webmd research, pregnancy tests, etc. I've learned my lesson there. That's a sure fire way to drive me crazy. It works wonders for some, but I can't take another pregnancy test. My emotions will surely kill me. Happy, sad, relieved, disappointed.

But these baby names... Marley, Jax, Miller, Mieke, Mase, Joey... I even found a website that recommends names based on suggestions. Using those names, it suggested Kennedy, Reilly, Quinn, Harper, Alex... All names I love. I guess it's sort of like wanting to get married because of the wedding fantasy. Picking colors, designing invitations, searching for the perfect wedding gown... Only it's not just baby names that I think of. I think about my son, Mason Alex, or my daughter, Marley Joey, looking up at me. I think about my child telling me that I'm the best. I think about that baby reaching out for me. (sigh) I don't want to get too mushy here, so I'll stop. I think the point has been made.

But this moment right here. Me with my laptop, a movie and my peace... I do not want to give that up right now. My life is great. I feel good. I've been told I look good. I have great friends that I hang out with often. My life is simple. I have a couple of great Bible studies that I'm able to dedicate a good amount of time to. I have a new car that I don't want getting messed up. I can focus singularly on myself to improve my personality.

I so badly want to see what my husband's child will look like and how the two of them will love on each other. I want to see that side of him. The intimate interaction between a man and his child is so sexy.

As I continue to say whenever this topic comes up... Time will tell. I don't have much time at 30 years of age, but I'm sure I'll have my answer when the time is right. I wish I had 5 more years before having to think about this, but that's not my reality. Prayerfully something with come to a head soon.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Bedroom Transformation

Work is slowing down so guess what? I'm back. =) *Waving*

While I was away, the projects kept going so here's a look into what we've been doing with our biggest project right now.

I wish I had a before picture of the room... Actually, here's something. Ignore me in the pic but notice the color of our walls. Bland huh? The whole house was painted this one color when we purchased it. Slowly but surely we've been transforming each room.

So far, all we've done is paint and put up the bed. We had a chair in there, but I took it downstairs, so we're completely bare in here. Because the room is so manly and subdued right now, I feel the need to spruce it up a bit with some pillows and a rug. I also need a slipper chair or a club chair of some sorts where hubby can sit down and put lotion on. (Him plopping down on the bed when I'm sleeping is not working.) Here's my vision as far as textiles go. Coral, blue and gray. That's my combination. We're keeping the bedspread a plain ole white for contrast sake.


I'm also looking into other rugs that aren't so mathchy matchy like the above. What do you think about this combo? I absolutely LOVE that rug, but unfortunately it doesn't come in the size I need. I'm going to have to hunt for a look-a-like. 

I have to keep in mind that are carpet is beige. *thumbs down* If the floors were hardwood, this would be so much easier. Matching gray to beige can be a bit tricky.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. All the pillows are ordered. It's just the rug and the chair I need to focus on. After that, I need some art and then I can call this room complete. =)

Design Grind

I'm back on my design grind. Check me out here.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Sprititual Schedule

I've been MIA. It's not that I haven't tried to blog either. Life is just busy I guess. Well maybe busy isn't the right word. Life is full and well scheduled. There have been a whole bunch of trips, gatherings, helping of friends, double dates, Bible studies, etc. Life is good. I like it like this.

This weekend is going to be full of spiritual activities. From 9:30 - 4 I'll either be knocking on someone's door, making return visits, or attending the talk for a Bethel speaker. On Sunday, we have a special meeting as well due to the Bethel attendee. These activities are right on time for me. I've seriously been slacking. I feel like I'm not doing my best when it comes to service and my study habits. Instead, I'm doing just enough. And for that reason, I need to create a schedule. Again.

Bible reading

Bible reading
Meeting Preparation

Meeting night

Check in with Bible studies (personal interest)
Prepare for their studies
Personal study

Watchtower preparation



Topics for personal study:
- Having Bible studies, being a good conductor
- All Scripture Inspired book (get background on the chapter of the Bible we're reading)

Hopefully I can stick to it. =/
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