Wednesday, August 31, 2011

TV Series: For Better Or Worse

Oh goodness. Angela and Marcus are back. LOL. Will you be watching?
Premieres November 23rd on TBS.


Something inside of me gets irritated when I read the opinions of people who clearly aren't directed by what the Bible says. Why did I just finish reading this article on Clutch magzine where a woman who married young and divorced young is upset over people's reactions to her failed marriage after revealing that she came out as bi as she entered marriage? What In THE WORLD? The tone of her article made me think something was wrong with ME, that is until I saw the comments. One commenter said the article was garbage and I unequovically agree (although I wouldn't say that to her face). She's obviously confused/mislead and you can't be mad at that kind of fault.

Demetria Lucas posted this article on Essence where she chastised the tweet "Beyonce dated, married, THEN got pregnant... ladies, take notes". She went on to rant about how it takes two to make a baby and we shouldn't judge the women who have babies out of wedlock, especially considering that most Black families are of single parent households. I don't know what this chick's issue is with intended order of things but according to one of her responses to my question on what she considers success as a relationship counselor, the chick is jacked up. As a person who gives advice on relationships, Demetria might benefit from knowing that a man and woman are supposed to get married; not date and live together forever. I mean isn't it a fact that the right way to do it is to date, get married and have a baby? How can you argue with that? But instead, she feels that even though her career and livlihood are based on giving relationship advice, her version of relationship success doesn't mean marriage. How can marriage not be in her mantra as a relationship professional? As large and widespread as her audience is, I feel bad for people who take her ideas for their own, thinking that a successful relationship doesn't have to mean marriage.

You should see my face as I read these articles of authors who seem to have an air of authority. My furrowed eyebrows, the worry in my eyes, the ghastly opened mouth, jaw opened wide. I am so concerned for our future and our current generation. I guess the worry only comes from what I know to be true from the Bible. Being a student of it molds my thinking and actions. If I wasn't into the Bible and what Jehovah's will is for mankind, maybe I'd believe the same. As Frank Ocean sings, "What's God to a nonbeliever?"

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I'm Focused Man

You would think it was the week before my period because my emotions have been insane. I'm much better today than I was yesterday though. I had to refocus my energies and map out a system for my sanity. Yesterday was one of those days when I was in my head, talking myself in and out of crazy notions. I must have written 4 or 5 journal entries trying to straighten out my confusion. I convinced myself that my husband didn't want a baby, or at least not as much as I want one. We've talked about it, but not in the way that two serious people would. The conversations are always haphazard and jokingly light. But instead of wallowing in fear of what my future might not hold, I got it together and devised a plan. A spiritual plan.

Considering how unhappy and crazy I was yesterday, I dug into some material on 'joy' last night. It seems like I come around to this topic every so often, doesn't it? It's an area that I don't do too well in. I've accepted that I am a pessimistic person so I might need to revisit it every quarter, if not more. Anyway, I realize now that my eight months of unemployment/freedom are over, I haven't been out in the ministry as much. Well let's be honest...while my calendar says I've done 8 hours of service, I can't even remember the last time I actually went out. I probably haven't met the group in a month of Saturdays. So in an effort to busy myself with something other than worrying and spazzing out, I've decided to get back into action. I know that I can't do as much as I used to do, but perhaps I can do more than I did when I worked back in the day. It's not so much that I looove being in the ministry. I more so do it to preserve my sanity. When you focus on others, you really don't have time to focus on your shortcomings and issues. Alone time with my thoughts is a dangerous thing.

I think I also need to start recounting my blessings. I take EVERYHING for granted. I know that because when asked to write down my blessings, I usually come up with nothing. How insane is that? This time, I'm going to think about this week's lessons in the Yearbook and compare myself and my issues to theirs. Most of the time, these people are WAY worse off than me. I have to remember that Jehovah has blessed me with more than I can count. I'm determined to find a way not to make Jehovah think that I don't care.

I have to remain focused. There are so many things that could be ahead of me. I think my heart is in the right place so all I have to do is apply what I know and get working. My eyes are straight ahead and I'm ready to grind. Spiritually, career-wise and financially. That's all I care about right now.

Monday, August 29, 2011

So Jealous

I am so freakin jealous right now. You have NOOOO idea. That joy she has at the very end of the video because of a very special miracle...I wish I had that. Why am I mad though that she got to getting before me? Heffa. Lol.

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Beyoncé


My mood has totally changed!

I am currently gchatting with JennWill's best friend, TM and she's telling me all these things about her new addition, Asher Elias! I'm so excited for her!

I want one!!!!!


This is my 1,001 post and it's not a good one.

I had a panic attack on the train this morning. It came out of no where. I was reading my Bible lesson and all of a sudden I couldn't breath. I put my reading materials away and took off my blazer because I was started to feel like I was suffocating due to heat. Every time I closed my eyes, something in my brain told me to keep them open. So I leaned forward over my purse and tried to calm down. The lady next to me must have thought I was crazy.

I've been trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps. The house has been tense, so I've been trying to remain uplifted and have a positive attitude. I was even thankful for the radio deejays who were cutting up during my ride over to the metro. I want to wake up laughing, joking, being loud and fun like they do. Why is it so hard? What do they have that I don't? I feel like I'm missing something. I wrote the below yesterday just to try to write something. I wasn't in a mood when I wrote it but it subconsciously poured out. I guess that's what you call foreshadowing.

There's nothing that I want more than to be happy.
To be able to go through a day feeling bright from the inside out.
People go day to day with an energy that I find confusing.
Going through the same day's events that I do but yet pulling through with grace and wrinkles around their eyes from permanent smiles.
How they find peace among the rat race is baffling.
How they ride chaotic trains in rush hour with auras of light and pleasant expressions eludes me.
Where do they get it from?
I want to know the secret; how they find the stability.
Where does the strength come from to swat away life's ugly cruelties?
I need to figure it out pretty soon.
More of the world's weight affecting my's eating my spirit.
I can not live day to day under the hand of stress and be shoved around.
All I want is to experience unaffected joy.
The type that permeates your personality and affects others lives.
The kind that warms the atmosphere upon first contact.
I want happiness to be who I am so no one can ever take it away.
Tell me how to be infinitely happy.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Black Women and Marriage: Wanna Get Hitched? Well Become A Wife!

I'm a little annoyed and I haven't exactly figured out why yet.

Discussions, articles and research regarding why black women aren't getting married in this day and age are numerous. Over the course of the past two days however, I've been inundated with the topic more than ever. Clutch's online magazine has an article entitled "Call Me A Fool for Love: I Heart Black Men", which details why this particular author will by no means marry outside of her race no matter how limited in number black men may be. The current issue of Essence (September 2011) harps on the topic by including an excerpt from an author (a black man) who believes if black women date outside their race, the playing fields would even out. That way, Black men wouldn't have so much power in this dating game.

This dire 'black marriage' topic has been all over the media for some time now, but I never really paid much attention to it because 1.) I'm married and 2.) I always think I'm the exception to the rule and therefore the crap doesn't apply to me. But this week, I take issue...

So here are the reasons I've heard why it's so hard for black women to get married:
  • There are more black women than black men, and therefore the pickings are slim for black women
  • A large percentage of our black men are either in jail or not on the level that we as black women want them to be on
  • Black women are too picky and their lists are too long
  • The few successful black men who are available are not ready to settle down because they know they are in minority and therefore have an abundance of women to pick from
  • Black women are not submissive enough, too independent and too focused on their careers/passions
  • Our future generations think that marriage is for white people due to what they see in their homes source
  • Black women want to commit at a time when Black men are usually playing the field 
  • More and more black men are marrying outside of the race
Did I miss anything? (I'm sure I did. The reasons never seem to end.)

Soo.....Umm. Please pardon me, but I need help. Someone please tell me, why does this have to be so complicated? Why does it have to be so hard? I don't understand. Do I not understand because I'm already married? I mean really, what gives? Maybe I'm biased but this conundrum Totally baffles me; at least enough to the point where I don't understand why all the hoopla.

Stick with me.

You wanna know what I did to get married? It was simple really. When I felt I was ready and I knew I wanted a husband, I made a list of all the things I wanted in a man. Over time, I revised that list considering that I had to be reasonable of what to expect. I changed words like 'college-educated' to 'hard-working' and 'intelligent'. I crossed out 'good dresser' and wrote 'open-minded', 'reasonable', and 'humble'. Instead of 'music/arts lover', I went with 'caring/wholeheartedly interested in me'. If he's interested in me, he won't X out the things I care about. After re-writing my list probably about 3 times over the course of 6 months, I ran the entire gamut past my mom (I had 10 points on my list) and she asked me the best question that she could have ever asked. "Are you all of those things?" I honestly knew that I wasn't so I took the next year to work on turn myself into the type of woman that a man would want to marry. I knew a man would want to marry a woman who knew how to throw at least 5 different meals together, so I taught myself to cook more. I knew that the type of man I wanted would want a woman who was calm and responsible, so I de-cluttered my life and got rid of baggage, including exes I talked to occassionaly. I knew that I wanted a spiritual man, so I worked on my spirituality fervently. I knew that a husband wants a wife that's confident, has interests and can carry a conversation, so I practiced that when out with friends. I worked on transforming into someone with wife-like qualities. And then I prayed for dear life more times than I care to mention. Ha! The most important element on top of everything else was faith. And when I least expected it, BAM, here came this spiritually mature, handsome, calm, humble, caring, smart man. I would be remiss if I didn't say that I didn't see him for me at first. I was hung up on his age. My aunt, who's also married to a younger man, looked at me with a crazy face and yelled at me, "Uh uh! That wasn't on your list!" I chastised myself in my head for not adding that before, and then accepted that she was right.

Is it wrong to say that it's possible some black women aren't humble enough or ready to have a husband? (I always believed that if Jehovah hadn't blessed me with a husband, it was because I wasn't ready yet.) Why do I always hear black women (or women in general) talk about what he doesn't have or what he did wrong or that he's not good enough? When do we talk about what WE need to work on and what WE don't have? I worked HARD to become wife-like! I listened to what men wanted (I actually took a poll on my blog), and I worked to make sure someone would want ME (without compromising the foundation of who I am of course). Are other black women doing the same?

It looks like I figured out why I'm annoyed. I'm tired of hearing the woe-to-black-single-women-who-want-to-get-married story. Take your life in your hands and make it happen. If the statistics and reasons for declining marriages among the black race are true, Become The Exception. Make it happen, captain! Ain't nothing to it but to do it! (Sorry if I'm a little riled up. Those articles I read this week got my feathers ruffled! sheesh!)

Now if you single ladies (or married) want to teach me a thing or two and express your differing opinion, I'm all ears. I'd love to hear it. Maybe I'm just a married woman who doesn't get it. I know I don't have all the answers. The floor is yours.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

My Key To A Happy Marriage

Hubby and I have been on some high level cloud this past week and a half. Happier than the happiest in love fools. But we weren't always like that.

We have been the type of couple that goes in on each other. And what I mean by 'go in' is making fun of. We shake our heads at each other in joking disapproval, laughingly jab at each other on any number of topics and all around do our best to trump the other in the jonin' department. But as of lately, I made the announcement that I'm tired. The jokes, the undercuts, the lack of seriousness...I just wasn't feeling it anymore. At least not for every second of the day.

I have a fascination with the word 'nice'. definition - pleasing; agreeable; delightful; amiably pleasant; kind  I haven't figured out why just yet, but it's something that's been with me for a very long time. In fact, I'm so fascinated with it that I becoming overwhelmingly touched when people display the quality. Case and point...we were watching an old Sandra Bullock movie (i LOVE her) and there was this female character that had my heart as soon as she spoke her first line. She didn't know Sandra's character, but as soon as she saw her, she reached out and asked her to join her. I thought that was so sweet. There's something really special about people who reach out to strangers and make them feel loved and comfortable. I wish the world was like that.

Anyway, to continue with my story, hubby and I have been practicing this quality for the past week and a half, and to our surprise, we are totally elated. Even him! Sweet gestures, looks of love, kind words...Yes! We're in heaven! The power of being nice is very strong and very real. Instead of having my boxing gloves cocked up in fighting stance in perpetuity, I'm wide open accepting every love vibe that comes my way. But don't be mislead. Being nice takes strength. It's a very hard thing to do. Vulnerability is required and that's not an easy be any stretch of the imagination. You never know how someone is going to accept your unguarded offerings. You might get socked in the face, especially in this day and age, and even by people you love the most.

I've learned a very important lesson about relationships, especially in marriage regarding niceties. As Otis Redding says (cue Jay and 'Ye), "And it makes it easier to bear/Oh she won't regret it/Them young girls they don't forget it/Love is their whole happiness/But it's all so easy/All you got to do is try/Try a little tenderness!"

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I love to write, but writing without some sort of drama, turmoil, stress or angst can sometimes be uninspiring. I guess that's a good problem to have, no?

I'm interesting in making a coffee table book. I've been putting together some of my best blogger posts for some time now but I need more content. With a drama-free life though, I'm at a loss. You might suggest that I write about happiness, joy and love, but for some reason, those topics are forced. When I was escapading life as a single woman, I had so much to speak on. My experience inspired me. Surface-level prose was limited and I often wrote from the deepest holes in my heart. How do I tap back into that as a writer? How do I create that when everything is as calm as calm could be? I wonder how writers step outside of theirselves and create dramatic fiction that has nothing to do with their lives. I need a writing class.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Morning's Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I need a break and I just got started
We're supposed to move to Rosslyn
I wonder where I report to tomorrow
My stomach is killing me
This is going to be a tough menstrual situation
It couldn't happen at a worse time
Bachelorette events are tonight
Rehearsal is tomorrow
Wedding events start at 7am Sat
I need an energy boost
I plan on keeping my head low
Possibly keeping music in my ears
I'm going to walk slowly to and from everything
No stress
I'm happy little sis is getting married though
She needs a husband
That 'chile couldn't be on her own if paid $1M
I did my nails last night but the color is too pale
You can't tell I have anything on
They're pretty though
They look shaped and buffed
I have a hair appointment tonight too
I wonder if Pooh is stressed
Weddings are stressful
Everyone just wants them to be married already
I understand
Once we get past this, we're done
Oooo, cramps!
Hubby is home with a broken down back
I wish I could take care of him today
Actually, I just wish I could be in the bed right now
I think every woman should have off on her first menstral day
It's not fair
"Cuz I know I saw you go into a motel"
Tweet is playing in my headphones
She needs to make another album
"You can save your song and dance"
I love this song
What am I wearing tonight?
I don't even think I have club attire anymore
Ooh, here's my song
"My eyes have never seen someone so beautiful"
"You're the first thought of each day"
"You move through me"
"I can get caught up when I see you!"
This was one of those repeat songs
I could close my eyes right now and swim in this song
Anyway, I'm checking out for now

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Dab of Caramel

You'd think I'd be used to this by now. Being one of the few black girls in a predominately white establishment. But I'm beginning to wonder if it's ever something you can get used to. Is it something that I'll ever not notice? This time around it's different though. This time around, I actually WANT to be the singular black girl.

I've come into a space in my life where I own my color. I think this new found confidence among a sea of whites has everything to do with not only age/maturity, but my time at Essence Magazine. That place has truly shaped how I feel about myself in corporate America. I wrote about this yesterday in my journal, but I want to share here that before Essence, I tried to blend in with the whites. I didn't want to wear my hair natural, I would never try to dress different and I surely didn't want people to know too much about my background. Today, I wear my hair naturally, my Essence Magazine is face side up on my desk (I work in an open room with a 40-ish white man and a 40-ish Hawaiian woman) and my fashion sense is even more bold and tuned than ever. I like not caring. It's freeing. I can see the coordinator throwing glances at my twist out, but instead of smooshing the volume down, I stand taller. It's interesting this feeling I have. I love being caramel me even amongst the vanilla clouds.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Work to Live

I've been wanting to file my nails for a week. So that's exactly what I did after dropping my bags on the living room floor, finally in from a 12 hour drive. After pineappling my hair, changing my clothes, taking out my contacts and tossing the pillows off my side of our king bed, I'm finally under the covers. And I'm exhausted. I didn't think my body could be more tired. 

Eight months have come and gone. This upcoming Monday, my freedom ends and I will be walking into an office at 9 o'clock in the morning. The feeling is bittersweet. Maybe more bitter than sweet actually. Yes, I've wanted a job for a while now; simply to be able to afford the things I cannot currently purchase such as a house, but now that I will have to walk into someone's office from Monday for the next thirty years sends shivers down my back. I need to keep my focus and think of this next year as my hustle period. After purchasing a house and possibly having some babies, I believe part-time work would be best for me. That is unless I can't control my spending habits in the 'Crewcuts' sections at J.Crew. (I went back-to-school - I mean work - shopping at the outlets in South Carolina and probably spent more on my little cousin's first day of kindergarden outfits than I spent on myself. Or maybe not.) With the hope of our future little one attending a free school, we should be able to afford my cut in hours. After eight months of space, I can't see myself running a nine to five, five days a week for the next 30 years.

Anyway, I'm going to try to breathe and soak in every moment of my slowly diminishing minutes of freedom. Most of all, I'm praying that I maintain my focus with my goal in mind. I have the tendency of getting real deep when I'm unsatisfied. Before long, I'll be in a crying stupor wondering why I wasn't made to accept the way of the world which is work, work, work. Sigh...  I just finished a memoir about a man who bought and sold Birkin bags for a living (hilarious and entertaining book by the way - Bringing Home the Birkin by Michael Tonello) and what I'm going to take away from it is how important it is to "work to live and not live to work". I'm going to hold on to that with a clenched fist and see how this goes. Pray for me!

Thursday, August 04, 2011

I Don't Wanna Be A Pioneer!

I guess I need to adjust my thinking. I shouldn't complain about the fact that I'm interviewing for companies who all need start-up help, rather I should be thankful that I'm even interviewing at all....

But dang tho! What's up with all this newness?! I want to work for a well-oiled machine! One that's been doing what they've been doing for years and all I need to do is be trained to keep one corner of the machine going. I don't understand why not one of the jobs I've interviewed for has an infrastructure. At this stage in my life, I'm not looking to be a pioneer in a new department.

But let me stop. Thank you Jehovah for the interviews. =/

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

A Tuesday

Just sitting on the couch
Taking crazy pics of myself on my phone
I have my necklace around my mouth for no apparent reason
I'm just sitting
Today is Tuesday
I should be studying for my meeting
But I'm typing with my eyes closed
I had a bean and cheese burrito
Scary move
I hope I end up okay in a few hours
The a/c just kicked on
Which means I'll be cold in a few
I could take a nap
He just emailed me about his bodily waste
Farts and poop
Yummy babe
My eyes are getting heavy
But I don't want to sleep yet
I might not wake up in enough time to study
I might not make it to pick him up from the metro
Don't feel like moving
Good afternoon all
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