What Now

I'm not going to lie. I'm having a hard time right now in my life. Out of nowhere. It's crazy how one moment, everything can be going well and the next, a volcano erupts that doesn't seem to die down. I feel so weighted and sad. And as a result, I am very stressed out. With all this stress, there's very little chance for me to conceive. I'm starting to feel the tears in my eyes as I'm writing this. Maybe I should just give up. Throw my hands in the air. What's the point? Maybe Jehovah is trying to tell me something.

What now/
I just can't figure it out/
What now/
I guess I'll just wait it out

A Lyric

Look at me
Tell me what you see
Do you think of love?

It's so unclear
What happened here
And I want the truth because

Time that we have
Is growing short
And I love you like my next breath

But if not mutual
I wish the best for you
And nothing less

I could have made it better
You should have let me know

Look at me
Tell me what you see
Do you think of love?

It once was beautiful
But now I have no clue
What's there for us?

Time that we share
Oh it's growing slim
Slimmer by the day

Let's put our mind's at ease
Work it out at least

Could've made it better
You should've let me know

What happened to us?

I still remember us
At a happier time
You should have let me know

- C 4EVA

The Glow

It's amazing how different my blog is now. When I first started blogging 6 years ago (it's been SIX years!!! WOW), I wrote a lot of emotional melodramatic lyrics and poems about my confused, little life. (It's funny how I can say that now.) I talked a lot about finding myself, making friends, my love affair with music and of course, men. No doubt, I was obsessed with the process to finding a husband. If I can categorize the first 5 years of this blog, I would say I was in a hunter green kind of search mode. (I have colors on the brain so please excuse the analogy.) I was confused, I was figuring things out and I was finding myself.

The past year and a half of blogging time has been more so dedicated to the things I now either love or am looking forward to. Marriage, interior design, parenting, inspiration, fashion, etc. I'm in a much more turquoise state of light if you will. A bright but inquisitive space. It's quite refreshing.

And refreshed is exactly what I felt when I happened upon The Glow - a site dedicated to fashionable and inspiring moms. Photographers, designers, painters, pr consultants...Even though I'm not a mother, I feel so connected to the images and the idea behind the site. It makes me dream and inspires me. There's so much that I could say because there's a lot of feeling inside of me right now, but the words won't match... So I'll let the images just tell it for me.

I love that these are the things I blog about now. It makes a huge difference towards my level of joy.

Turn That Frown Upside Down

Even though the house transformation is still on the move, I'm taking a break. (I'll post more about our floors that are almost done soon.)

Today, I have the blues. I have no reason to have the blues. I just do. Maybe the rush of energy I had from purchasing and remodeling a home is dying out. Regular life is starting to seep back into my veins. But I'm going to try to combat these feelings. If you remember a few posts ago, I stated my goal for 2012. "Stop thinking so hard. Stop being so inwardly dramatic. Fill my head with good thoughts. Fill my pessimistic soul with fun." This is the perfect time to apply sentence #3 of that mantra.

So what's good? Hmm..

1. I get paid Friday.
2. I don't look a hot mess today.
3. My house IS coming along nicely.
4. My husband and I are good. No major issues, fights or problems lately.
5. Pandora Radio exists. I need some Fela Kuti music to cheer me up.
6. I have a cinammon raisin bagel to eat this morning.
7. CBS's 'The Good Wife' is back on.
8. My parents are good, healthy, and happy.
9. Jehovah God and I are still friends. I have a clean conscience.
10. Beyonce and Jay-Z are parents to a baby girl. =)

You know what I need? A good novel. Any suggestions?
Or an outing. I've been stuck inside for too long. I need an event. A plan. An out. I guess it's time to see what the girls are doing.

How I'm Feeling

How I'm Feeling

Just for today, I wish I was alone in the world. I need peace.

How Was Your Weekend?

Good morning everyone. Happy Monday. How was your weekend? Well I hope. I hope you did something fun. The days and weeks seem to run together at times, so it's nice to be able to enjoy the time off and soak in as much peace and relaxation as you can. Recharge your batteries, so to speak.

My weekend was... (I always have a hard time remembering exactly what I did.) Let me think. It was... eventful. Friday, my husband and I went to the movies to see Salt right after I picked him up from the metro station. I ended up being in a funky mood for whatever reason, so I went to bed early that night. Saturday morning, my husband and I got into an argument (probably because of said funky mood that didn't seem to go away) and then promptly made up. We then went to my parent's so that I could meet with a client. I have a photography job that I want to do extremely well on, so I actually need to take some time today and think about how I want to approach the job creatively. After meeting with the client, mom, dad, my husband and I went out to Fairfax, VA to schmooze with some old friends of the family. The Mrs. of the house just got promoted to VP of HR so we went to celebrate with them and to kind of step my toe back into her world for potential networking opportunities. I left promising to get on her calendar so I need to make sure I do that. Saturday night, my husband took me back to the spot where we used to sit in the car together while dating. It was nice to go back and visit the old dating grounds. Sunday, after service, we went to Carrabas for a nice dinner and then came home to rest, watch tv and cook together. I think my favorite day of the weekend was Sunday, although I was sad that Sunday evening meant work in the morning. I like time alone with my husband.

This week is going to be different. I'm not going to sit at this desk bored out of my mind. I'm going to conjure up a plan. Today, after finishing my Bible reading and studies, I am going to do a couple of things. I'm going to set up the next steps for my business and plan out when I'll be able to register for photography and design classes according to my paychecks. Then I'm going to sketch out a creative design scheme for the side job I acquired Saturday. I also plan to re-do my budget, look for jobs and crack open a new novel that I brought from home. I know that I hate my job, but I want to make the best of this. I can't have the time that I spent here go in vain.

Anyway, how was your weekend and what big plans do you have for the week? How will you make the best out of your week? I could use the inspiration so let me know! =) Have a good one.

Mood: Annoyed

I'm all about the Dweles, Sades, Maxwells and Jill Scotts. I need nothing but soothing-ness right now. My soul is feeling a bit interrupted. I don't know what it is cuz I'm not ovulating, but I just need calmness. Maybe it has to do with the weather.

Trying to find someone to go to the last home Wizards game with me. But the task is proving unsuccessful. I need more friends. Guess I'll go by myself.

I really don't want to go back to my parents house. I need a moment alone. Goodness. I don't want to answer any questions or be told to do anything. I just want quiet.

I hate how I've been looking. My body. These clothes. This hair. I'm going to wash it tomorrow and leave it wild or something. I don't care what anyone says anymore. My dad and MJ don't like it. I need to do what I want to do to feel like something. I'm tired of being put in a box.

This isn't turning out to be a good blog.

I Feel A Hole Inside of Me

I'm not okay.
But I don't want to complain.
What I do need to do is speak the truth.
Without my staples, loneliness can set in.
It's true that you don't know what you're missing until it's gone.
You don't know how valuable people are until you can't reach them.
But I should use this time for me.
Lord knows I could use it.
Still yet, I feel a bit lost in translation.
I don't know what to use the time for.
Nor do I want anyone to tell me.
This isn't where I want someone to jump in and 'fix it'.
My mind is very cloudy.
I haven't been clear for a very long time.
I remember a phase in my life when I saw everything like crystal.
Among westward sunny skies when I was me by myself.
In tune with myself, I was so peaceful.
I miss the absolute stillness that comes from clarity.
Absolute stillness.
When is there time for that?
You have to dig deep down and find that place.
It's within all of us.
But when you're ripping, you crowd out the time.
Since I moved home, I've been swallowed.
I fell right back in line.
Jumped straight on the conveyor belt and haven't stopped yet.
I checked back in to 'my place' in this town.
The daughter, the PG girl, the regular.
The regular.
I think that's the disappointing part.
I'm so used to being amongst the new.
Falling back into the regular halted my self-discovery.
Self-discovery should never end.
But now that I'm here, I'm not discovering anything.
I'm lost.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm not okay.

Angry Black Women

I asked my co-worker how her weekend was. Expecting a canned answer, I was surprised when she said "BAD". I stopped, turned around and proceeded to ask questions in order to understand why her weekend was so bad. She told me that she was just mad. Mad all weekend. So mad that she's been praying for God to take away the angry spirit that's within her. For some reason, that sparked something in me because I could 100% identify. I immediately wanted to give her a hug and tell her that I know how she feels. I too was just mad for whatever reason just last week. I don't know if this is true of all women or just African-American one's like my co-worker and myself, but we can be some angry women at times! And just angry for no reason. No reason at all. If your man doesn't say the perfect thing, you get angry. If your money's not right, you get even more angry. If your hair doesn't lay right, you get angry again. If someone smiles at you, you get angry to the 10th degree. I believe that this mad streak is about more than just PMS. I believe it dates back way into time when we were strong and mad for a reason. Discrimination, civil rights, slavery... As a result of so much struggle, us women have a deep, red, thick blood running through our veins. It's not easy penetratable and can even grow cold if need be. But, yeah. To be just mad... I know the feeling. I'm glad she mentioned that she was praying though. It's all you can do when you're mad for no apparent reason. Men may feel like being mad for no apparent reason is some sort of craziness but it's not. I promise you, it's not. But anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. All I can really say is that I understood. I understood her. An angry black woman to another. I understood.

Mood: Melancholy

My mind's been going a thousand miles a minute. Planning, daydreaming, considering, worrying, intellectualizing (is that a word?), etc. This morning I prayed for a quiet spirit. I prayed for peace. As I've said before, if I could change my middle name, it would be to Peace. It's such an important concept. Vital for my life. I had a fantastic weekend, however. Can't really complain when you spend most of it contemplating the things of Jah. My heart was so full yesterday as I connected with some amazing women, one in particular who continues to keep me in awe.

When I came home last night, I took a few minutes to dance ballet in front of the mirror in the basement. I'm working on strengthening my legs. During those few minutes that I spent doing basic port de bras, tendus, and turns, I was in a different world. I felt so light and airy it was weird. I felt free. I miss dance with all of my heart. Watching SYTYCD inevitably reignites whatever fire burns inside of me for the art form. I promised my other sister that we would take a challenging class on Wednesdays. That creates somewhat of a problem with my job however. On my to do list today is to speak with my director about the lack of balance this job affords me. I pray I can conjure up the nerve and clarity to say everything I'm feeling before I leave her office. I really need her to understand. I don't live to work. I work to live. I want to work to afford time to dance. I want to work so that I can afford to breathe.

I am a complete fool when I'm watching SYTYCD. I promise you that my heart stops beating every time. In addition to all the jumping up and down and screaming I do, the chills spread through me like a tidal wave. It's the best feeling in the world. That show makes me feel so exhilarated.

Be careful what you ask for, they say. Today's my light day of the month. I wish it were heavy instead.

My mom is asking sooo many questions. It's becoming increasingly difficult to respond to her. I had to tell her that I didn't want to talk about a certain topic yesterday. Once she gets something into her head that she's all gung ho for, she pushes its potential joys on others full force. "Wouldn't it be so great J!" Deep breath. She doesn't really know what she's doing, nor will I tell her. But the weight is heavy. The weight is really really heavy. I wish she would catch a hint because I'm hurting inside. I just got this overwhelming feeling to cry. But I won't. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't walk down the path I did. I've been listening to one of my old CDs from Cali times and Kumasi says it the best. "God don't make yesterdays, only tomorrows." Moving on.

I'm sitting here with so much to say but nothing to say at all. What I wish I could do is take a day off and lay in the grass somewhere and stare at the clouds. Or take it to the beach. I miss the beach. Either way, to lay there and let the breeze sweep me would be perfect. I'm huge fans of air and breezes. During family worship a while back, the four of us went around and shared what part of Jehovah's creation we're most enthralled with. My dad said the birds, my sis said whatever is beautiful like the foliage in our neighborhood. I said that I respect the air, the sky and the breeze. I guess that's why I like the beach so much. You get all sorts of air and breezes there. You know what else?! Air and breezes are synonymous to peace!

I feel like I'm almost there. All of the prayers that I've been offering are right outside of my grasp. I can taste the success. I can feel the blessings coming. I wonder though if I'll ever stop wanting something so badly. Will there ever come a time when I have everything I've ever wanted or will there be something else to pleadingly petition Him for? Hmmm....

Yeah so... melancholy.

Mood: Frustrated

It's hitting me again. That ugly, gigantic wave of frustration is encircling me as I type this, and I can't escape. I'm frustrated with my family, with one of my co-workers, with the job process, and with life in general. I'm trying to be a business woman. An ambitious, confident, intelligent woman who gets things done, but whenever I try to do that, I feel like I get hated on. People make me feel like I'm the crazy one. Like I shouldn't be working my butt off the way I am. Every single free 'work-mode-minute' that I have (which is different from 'free-mode-minutes', I'm thinking about what I should be doing to further my projects or to be a better employee. How can I assist so and so, who do I need to contact for this, how can I be of service to him, what are the next steps in this endeavor... But for some reason... Sheesh. I can't even talk about this anymore. I'm just going to continue on my grind and keep my mouth closed. I can't take the hate so I'm not going to verbalize anything. I'll just do what I do. GRIND.

Mood: I'm Just Sleepy, I Think

Cue John Legend

Take Me Away - John Legend

There's nothing wrong. I'm just really really really tired. Actually, sleepy is the better word. I'm PMS-ing so this time around, my body is just really weak. I could sleep for 2 days straight if time allowed. I remember when I used to take advantage of the hours after work and sleep from 5 until the next morning when I lived on the other side of the country, but this job prevents me from doing so. I can't find the time to slow down. My mother called and said, "you're more than just sleepy. something else is wrong, so are you going to be okay?" Mmm. Is there something else wrong? I mean I know I've been longing to break away and recharge my batteries using the sun's energy, but I didn't know it was that serious. Perhaps it is though. When I was on the train, I read a passage in the book I was talking about yesterday. "But most of all, I remembered the virgin-bride-white sands of Varadero, and it filled me with joy. I remembered sinking my hands and feet into the silkiest, softest mounds in the world, the sands of my best childhood memories." When I read that, I found myself somewhere deep in the back of my mind rolling around in that sand and taking big scoops of it in my hands and pouring them on top of me with my eyes closed. It sounds so weird, but yeah. That's me and that's where my mind went. Maybe my need to get away is stronger than I think. Maybe the current weather situation is doing something to my head. I have never seen so many gloomy April showers days in my life. But I like the rain. So I'm not sure what's the real deal.

Cue Alicia Keys.

Superwoman - Alicia Keys

Perhaps my job is sucking the life out of me. I don't know. I'm not trying to think too hard about this job. It is what it is, and I don't want it to get inside of my head to the point where I start to dread waking up everyday. I've been there before and it's definitely not a good place to wish you miraculously had the flu every morning. That's depressing and then something will definitely be wrong. I won't become conquered by that feeling. It's not even that serious. Albeit, perhaps something is subconciously wrong and I don't know it. If there is, I'm not even sure if I want to figure it out. Right now, all I want to do is sleep. I want to stop feeling as if I will plummet into my keyboard any second. I may need to forgo the show I paid for. I'll exchange the price of my ticket for extra hours of sleep in a heartbeat. I have so much to do this weekend - produce 30 resumes for these kids at Powell House, sister's brunch, handle wedding responsibilities for K.M., car emissions testing, and so on. It's going to be a doosie. But superwoman must prevail. She must always prevail.

Mood: Sad

During my laid-off months, my life was quiet. Even though I was unemployed with no money, I lived in a little cocoon of peace. It was nice. No stress, no drama, no difficulties. Last week, however, my world was turned upside down. The stress monster hit me smack in my face. Literally. The splitting headache, the protruding vein in my forehead and the throbbing behind my eyes were unmistakable. I was losing it. While pondering over the million and two things that were on my mind on Friday, I started to get very upset...so much so that I had to take a deep breath to fight back the tears that were trying to blur my vision while driving.

Not even one minute after I updated my facebook status, which spoke on my stress levels, I got a phone call of concern from a very good friend who I've been trying to get in touch with unsuccessfully. With all of the emotion whirling inside of me, I couldn't help but to be extremely touched by his reaching out. Even though I was too overwhelmed to talk about what was bothering me, I texted him shortly after we hung up... "Thank you so much for calling. I'm rather emotional right now so your kind concern just about has me in tears. I'll try to call you this weekend." When he responded again, he did so in a way that made me feel like he was reaching through the phone to wrap his arms around me and hold me up while my legs buckled from underneath me. J.E. saved me at that moment. He noticed when I thought no one did.

I've had a lot of time to think things through and I've decide to focus on the solutions rather than the problems. The answers are as follows (and the rest will most likely be clear): 1. I need to sit down and have a conversation with him. This whole thing is not right and I know in my soul that this isn't what it should be. He can't marry her if he still has feelings for me. Well he can, but before he makes that decision, we need to talk. I just want him to be happy and be able to live his life without the problems that are existing between him and his fiance'. He's more than an ex-boyfriend. He's family. Hopefully I can help him. 2. I will stop letting my to-do lists overwhelm me by simplifying them, file for an extension on my taxes, have my dad take my car to get checked for emissions for me, tell L. that I need more time, and notify Mrs. D. and Mr. E. of the fact that I can't right now. Sometimes it's best to tell people no. I will not be pressured. 3. It's clear that my standards are overwhelming to him. So I will give him the space he should take. Regardless if he feels like he needs it or not. I am not in a relationship with anyone so I will not act like I am. Even though I want to do what comes natural...communicate, see how he's feeling, reassure him, blah blah blah, it's not my place. He'll work it out on his own. I don't owe anyone anything. 4. I will not renew my contract or accept a permanent positions with Washington Post Digital come June. I will find a career which I love and that will want to pay me for the full hours that I give in service. I need things to be uncomplicated. Not paying me for the hours that I've worked is unacceptable. 5. I understand what happens when a man become serious about a woman. So I'm going to be a big girl and suck it up. I will miss our closeness and our conversations, but I'm going to step out of the way and wish him nothing but joy. If we are true friends, it will shine through and he won't forget about me. 6. When people ask me what I do, I will never say that I am an accountant or I do finance work. No. I am a photographer, writer, dancer and an executive with Artistry Group. My occupation will be what I love. Finance is my side job. It's what pays my car note. Nothing more, nothing less. 7. I'm going to write about investing in family relationships. I have a story to tell regarding my relationship with my father and it needs to be told.

I can't say that even though I now have the answers that I'm okay now. It was hard getting there. Especially on my own. It was a lot to handle all at once, even though I did it. I've always been a superwoman. I always come out on top. But I'm sad because I'm exhausted and there's still so much more to do. I have to now apply the solutions and make them work for me. I have to put action behind everything so that I can go back to that state of peace that I desire. But I need help. I can't think about who to ask or where to turn, because my brain is fried and I'm verging on empty. I've gotten far, but I need help. My family and Jehovah are just about my own havens at the moment. In reality, that's enough and that's exactly what they're there for. Oh and writing! My friends may all seem to be disappearing (due to responsibilities, new girlfriends, distance, etc.), but at least I have my therapy.

I desire stillness and quiet. When I get that, maybe the sadness will dissipate. Until then, I'll keep climbing.