Thursday, June 30, 2011

If I Had Another Life

Something has taken over me recently. I don't know if it's the surge of Beyoncetricity in the atmosphere or what, but I have this feeling. It's almost like the beast has been awakened and I can't cage it. Recently, I had the opportunity to perform to "Run The World" with a group of girls and the feeling I got from being on stage dancing my heart out was incredible. If I had another life and thought that glitter, money, fame and notoriety was the definition of success, that's what I would aim for. My passion for performance is unwavering. There's a little ball of burning fire inside of me that I keep tamed by focusing on the real life to come. I must admit, if I didn't know Jesus, I'd make my way into dark, sexy burlesque clubs, renowned pop videos and world tour stages to make my mark on the earth. Taming the beast hurts, but I have to remember what's more important. And it certainly isn't temporary shine. Ooh but it hurts.

Hello Lover!

I'm watching Sex And The City and thought "Hello Lover" would be a perfect title for shoe posts. Whatcha think?! Perfection right?!

So with that, here are July's assortment of loves. Yes Yes and more Yes!

*Update: Oh, and I heard Beyonce had someone deliver 25 designer shoes to Solange on her 25th bday. Ugh! I hate them both. Must be nice.*

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Music Video: Nicole Scherzinger "Right There"

The first time I heard this song, Nicole performed it on American Idol and I was in love. I think it was the combination of the choreography and the mood of the song. I love the Hawaiian feel of the dancing. It's so feminine and sexy. This is definitely on my summertime playlist.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Today Was A Good Day

Hi ladies and gents! Today was one of the best days I've had in a while. I can't remember if I wrote it on here on in my journal but one of my goals is to get back to me-divided. Me, divided from my mate. When you're married, it feels as if you're never separated in thought, emotions, physically or whatever. They were kidding when they said that two become one. I feel so connected and tuned in to him that I find myself forgetting about me. So in an effort to get back to me, I focused every bit of my energy on muah - and it was fantastic. I didn't think about anyone else but me. I played in makeup. I watched my favorite shows. I did a mini fashion show with my new clothes. I co-washed and deep conditioned my hair which turned out very well I have to add. This is the first wash n go that looks surprisingly good on me. I haven't done one since before I put braids in so maybe the extra few inches or maybe even this new color made the difference. Either way, I'm very happy about it. I just feel beautiful from the inside out today. For the first time in a while, I feel really good in my skin. Maybe that's why today is so divine.

Just wanted to share. Ciao bellas!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I Wish I Was Entertaining

I've always had this weird thing with females. I'd hate to be one of those girls who says, "I get along better with men than women" because such a statement is absolutely nonsense. Every human being has the ability to get out there and become somewhat comfortable with a group of either gender. If as a female, you can't get along with other females, I personally think there's something wrong with you. Chances are you probably think a little too much of yourself. No one likes a stuck up female.

As much as I try not to be, I'm an introvert. I'm not the social butterfly or the busy bee that would allow me to have a thick wad of friends. I could listen to conversations or read posts on facebook that I could talk on for days. But instead of saying "OMG, Me too!" or exchanging in fun dialogue about it, I'd simply nod and let the topic go by. Of course, once I've clicked with a female and we both like each other for who we are, my crazy side comes out. I laugh, I smile, I joke, I do silly stuff, I say anything... Nevertheless, I wish I could have a bigger personality upon the on set. I wish I could be entertaining. But then, I wouldn't be me.

I've never been a part of a group of females. That "Sex And The City" friendship thing... I've longed for it but never had it. I've had one true girlfriend here and one there with a temporary trio of friends. Even the trios were short-lived, I so enjoyed them. They still remain some of the happiest girlfriend moments of my life.

In college, I was a girlfriend to about 10 girls. As I learned later, I was also the most envied. And I say that with the most humility I can possibly muster! The reason I know I was envied was because of what one of my college girls told me another one of our friends said when we were all going out. "Is JJ going? Sigh...That means I need to put stuff together. She makes it hard." And this is coming from one of the girls I felt particularly close to. I mean she was sorely disappointed I was going and it hurt. I longed for her friendship so badly, that I subconsciously down-played everything about myself every time we got together. Since then, I've has this complex that I know I need to get rid of.  I don't purposefully tell myself to blend into the background, but I find I'm most comfortable not letting my light shine so as to not hurt others feelings. I know I know. That's ridiculous and I shouldn't do that. But that's how badly I wanted and still want female friends. It's a necessity for me. Just like water and food are necessities.

So how am I going to get over this. Repeat over and over to myself, 'If they don't like me for who I am with my full light beaming bright, then they're not true friend material'. Tiff just wrote on my fb wall "appreciate the true sisters you have, accept the others for who they are and what purpose they serve, not everyone deserves or will fill a front row seat in your life". So in an effort to do that, my hat is off to those who love me for who I am. The good and the bad. JW, TC, CB, TNC, KW, NW, AH, KW, JC... (I hope I didn't miss anyone.) With my crazy, inner, explosive need for girlfriends, I would simply die if I didn't have you guys in my life. I love you dearly.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011


I'm irritated and mean feeling and I don't know why.

You ever get that feeling where you just want everything and everyone to go away? Yeah? Well I have that feeling right now. But what's so stupid about it is that no one is here with me. It makes absolutely no sense. Yet, the tv is annoying, the bird chirping freakishly high is killing me, and I'm even upset with myself for starting this blog because I don't feel like finishing it. But I've started too many blogs this week to not at least publish one, so I'm going to fight through it.

This job stuff has me on an emotional roller coaster, so that may be one reason why I'm rolling my eyes everywhere. I tried to explain to someone that I don't like talking about it because when the situation doesn't pan out, I don't want to have to relive the anguish afterward.

These interviews...they're starting to feel like first dates. They really are actually. That fatal first date where you're being judged and end up either acceptable for courtship or rejected. I've been rejected a few more times than I care to count, so I approach each interview with my wall up. That way, if they say no, I can't get hurt.

Maybe that's why I feel so hostile inside. My interview isn't for a day or two, but I'm already wearing my armor. I feel cold and hard as if I'm about to wage war. I'm coming onto the interviewer's battlefield and I have to be ready. No surrender allowed!

Let me just close this laptop and go to sleep. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

Beyonce's "Party" ft. Andre 3000 (Produced by Kanye West)

I'm feeling this one. It's got that summertime feel I like. Click HERE to listen.

Friday, June 03, 2011

Next Hair

I always said that I didn't want to be that girl who's hair was radically different every month BUT... I may just be that girl now. Weave Express here I come! Now I have to figure out what kind of hair to buy. sigh.

Just Fab and Shoe Dazzle

My June boutiques are killing me... I needs me a JOB!

Natural Baby

This photo struck me...

Bible Time

I believe that there's a lesson to learn about most situations, especially difficult ones. In my case, and in this moment right now, I believe my wits are being tested.

To be sure I'm using the right word, I looked up wits and the common phrase 'to be at one's wits ends' means to be overwhelmed with difficulties and at a loss as what to do next.

Yeah, that's it.

I'm not there yet. Thank Jehovah! But I can feel that struggle coming around the corner. Something's beginning to tug at me that I keep shaking off like an annoying gnat. To combat this test of wits, I've picked up in the volume of my prayers. The second half of praying though is to have faith that He hears me, so that's where I'm focusing most of my energy now. I can't say the I-know-everything-is-going-to-be-okay-because-God-loves-me concept has taken root in me yet, but I'm working on it. I know it's true, I just have to act like I know it's true.

Clearly, I need to get to studying. Bible time....

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Who Knows

Life is so random right now. I can't even begin to tell you what's going on or where I'll be in a month. I feel like everything is totally out of my hands, even though it's not. I don't know if I'm necessarily complaining about it because this could be quite exciting. At the same time, I wish I had a clue.

On The Plate of Life
Lately we've been discussing the following topics: babies, house hunting, and altogether migrating to a new state. Who knows what will happen, but I actually wouldn't mind something drastic. I'm ready to start my life. If we're going to have babies, I'm ready to get this train moving. But of course, I need to get a job, save some money, and get a bigger house first. As usual, it's all dependent upon this job that I can't seem to find. Oh. Hubby wants to by land and build our dream house. Umm. Ok. 'If you like it, I love it', I said. We've had so many ideas that have changed since we've been married. I wouldn't be surprised if this one didn't come to fruition either even though it's possible it can. I love that he's thinking though. But again, where's this job that I need to even build a house?

We had a pretty huge disagreement, not a fight, just a rather stark difference in opinions about raising children. Hubby's background is on the other spectrum from mine. He was raised in the truth, I wasn't. He went to public schools, me - private. He didn't go to college, I went to an ivy league. He has a successful career, me - not so much. Thankfully, while my parents were in town they shed a blinding spotlight on the issue. Basically, it's in absolute stupidity that we're sitting here talking about what we will and will not do with our non-existent child because this non-existent child will have his/her OWN  desires, personality, wants and needs. If the child wants to me a missionary, college isn't necessary. If the child wants to be a nurse, vocational schooling will be beneficial. If the child has no interest in sports, no need to worry about tee-ball practices. Right? And even with all of this, we still haven't made a firm decision to have a mini-us. Who knows...

Little Sis
Anyway, the weekend with my parents was so nice. They were so happy to be here with the people they love and I was definitely happy to have them. We spent most of our time getting to know my sis' future in-laws and wedding planning which was a pleasure because they're a very cool fam. I'm actually excited that my sister's getting married. She's not the type of girl that can hold on very long to the frailties of having a boyfriend. She needs everything to be concrete and set in stone. I'm proud of them for making such a huge commitment to each other for being so young. Well 25 isn't that young. I guess this is about right. But wow. My LITTLE sister is getting married. How old am I getting?!

Natural Hair
My hair is still in the long Janet Jackson braids. I haven't washed my hair in a month. (don't judge me!) I need to wash them but I'm afraid. Washing all of this hair will mean sore neck muscles and damp tresses slapping me in the back all day and night long. It's almost like I need to wash them and then lay them outside on the sidewalk while the 90 degree sun fries them dry. I hope these braids do my hair some justice though. I want this mop to grow! I'm not looking forward to taking the braids out and figuring out what to do with my hair. I'd rather just keep it braided or in a protective style for a while. If it was long enough, I'd wear a curly bun for a while, but I doubt my hair will be ready for that.

Interior Decorating
I partially finished redecorating my living and dining room. There are a few things that are still missing, but I need more $$ to put it all together. I'm proud of what I've done so far. It feels so much better in that space. Brighter and more quaint. I'll post pics later.

I need my next victim. I had a few shoots coming up but they're vaporizing into thin air. I need to make some steps with this if I want to keep practicing. Feel me?

One thing's for sure, I need to write more. I feel like I have better control over my life when I do. I'll be able to figure more things out if I write them down.
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