Questions

Hubby and I have found that our conversations are rudimentary. They are not particularly interesting, deep or inspiring. We talk about work, our dog, what's on the calendar, and when we need to schedule a cleaning day. So in an effort to expand our conversations, we've googled 'thought provoking questions'. In my search, I found this link to be very enlightening in more ways than one. I love these questions for us and for myself so I'm sharing. Here are the first 10. As you answer, check and see if you find anything interesting about yourself.

1. When was the last time you tried something new?
2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?
3. What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
4. What gets you excited about life?
5. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
6. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
7. Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
8. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?
9. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree?
10. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

2013 in Review

UPDATE: I FORGOT TWO IMPORTANT THINGS!

I feel like I need to write a post about my year in review, but I can't remember half of what happened in 2013. It's all a blur. One year simply fades into the next. But from looking at my 2013 calendar, here's what I could compile about the year.

Bought a new car.
My husband sold his condo from the bachelor days.
I did a handful of photo shoots and interior design consultations for friends.
Had a great district convention.
Went to a couple of concerts.
Formally recognized myself as a photography and design consultant.
Signed up for the Regional Building Committee.
Adopted the most adorable puppy.
Designed and built a closet in one of the spare rooms.
Had a relaxing family reunion vacation.
Built a wonderful relationship with a new couple.
Participated in a few beautiful photo shoots with hubby.
Witnessed the release of a new Bible translation!
Went to CT and NY with my family.
Got out of jury duty.
Did some territory assist field service.
Traveled to San Francisco for work.
Went on a cruise to the Bahamas.
Partied and had dinners and outings with all kinds of friends.
Ended the year in Alabama with my family (grandfather, grandmother and uncle included!).

I'd say I had a very fulfilling year. The highlight of it was being with friends in all different kinds of capacities (shows, concerts, anniversary parties, restaurants, gatherings at each others houses, etc.) and doing more for Jehovah while witnessing Jehovah doing so much for me. Serving in a territory that needs assistance and signing up to help build Kingdom Halls makes me feel happy. Being a part of a special program in which we are given a new Bible... there are no words to sum up how incredibly historic it was. I was so honored to witness that.

Next year, I look forward to continuing my friendships and having even more great dinners, outings, gatherings, etc. Becoming one with the new Bible that I received is imperative. I so badly want to show my appreciation for this gift, but have such a hard time doing daily Bible reading. So I want to try hard, very hard, to make it happen. I want to go back to sitting in the front of the Kingdom Hall so as to block out distractions. By maintaining my spiritual focus, I know I'll have an even better relationship with my husband than I did last year. Continuing to grow with him is exciting as well. My husband is my best friend and my boo, so doing everything with him is my desire while still allowing time separately. Speaking of 'separately', I need to figure out how to do something. On a daily basis during the week, I am either working or trying to recuperate from working. There's no in between and there's nothing else. Work, recupe, work, recupe. I feel like I don't have much personal happy time during the week. There's no reason why spontaneity and fun has to be restricted to the weekend. So that's what I want to try to do for myself. Find energizing, happy, fun, spontaneous moments during the week. Yeah, that sounds good.

If anyone is reading this, what have you learned about yourself in 2013 and where do you see 2014 taking you?

Wants Not Needs, Or Maybe Needs

Hubby asked me what I wanted as a gift. While I think he has no idea what he's gotten himself into, this is a hard question for me to answer. If you know anything about me, you know that I love interior design. So there's a ton of stuff that I want for the house, but for some reason that doesn't totally feel like it's for me. I feels like it's his too. I mean, he gets to reap the rewards from it too right? But I guess I shouldn't be too concerned with that. So what if the gifts that I want are also the very items that he'll use.

I haven't shared any of these thoughts with him because I know how overwhelmed he gets with my ideas, but these are the 3 things I want (or need).

• A Willing Spirit - That's what I want my from my hubby more than anything right now. I'm a girl with ideas for the home, dreams of adventures, desires of life, aspirations of the heart, thoughts out the wazoo... And getting him to make a memory with me or help bring an idea to fruition takes a bit of work on my part. The ironic part about it is that when he finally gets into whatever idea I have, he loves it! You should have seen him as he created a new outlet source for our bedroom tv! He was in heaven! So, yeah. That's the greatest gift he could give me. Reminds me of a scripture we're all too used to hearing at our congregation meetings. "Let each one do just as he has resolved in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

• An Experience - I keep telling my man that an experience is worth more than some item of a gift. He actually listened to me when thinking of gifts for our anniversary. A couples massage and a horse back riding lesson for beginners. We didn't actually ever get to use the deals that he bought for me (they expired before he got around to booking them - boo), but it was a great start in the right direction. I recently had a convo with hubby about my desire to paint. So what better gift than to go to Michael's, buy the supplies and set us up in the garage with a painting session for two? Right?!

• An Office Space - I've desperately wanted an office space just for me for a while. And now that we have a bit of free space in our bedroom after moving some things into our bedroom-turned-closet, I think we're ready! We don't have a TON of room though so I think a thin mirrored desk would be perfect against our corner window, complete with a beautiful desk lamp and a chair. Just enough thickness for my laptop, maybe a few books, etc. I think this is a perfect gift because whenever we get the chance to sleep in, hubby gets slightly irritated at the tapping of my nails on my keyboard as I lay next to him. I love Rachel's space. I mean how amazing would it be for me to come home and see that hubby tried his hand at designing a space just for me that I can then take over and keep designing? Ugh. I just might cry.

That's it!

Black vs. White

I've been looking at a lot of photos of black couples lately. I love black love. But as a photographer, you have to watch that kind of stuff, especially if you wish for your portfolio to be published in part or full. I'm not too worried about this being that photography is just a hobby of mine. But even still, should I begin to shoot white people too?

There's an article floating out here about the lack of images of black couples. I agree with it. Other than Gabby & Dwayne, Beyonce & Jay-Z, LaLa & Carmelo and the Obamas, you don't have much. The article then went into interracial dating. If you didn't know, I'm one of those black women who see all these black men with non-black women and feel some kind of way. I perhaps can take seeing it sparsely, here and there. But when I see it in flux, my heart hurts. I guess it's about the realization that this decision that my black men are making is not rare, it's actually very common.

That leads me to something very interesting. My husband is starting to have a thing for white women. (Let's just pause there for a minute. Yeah, go on ahead and cock your head to the side. And then pause some more.) I'm not too sure how to take it because the whole white women crush thing he has going on might be a joke. MIGHT is the operative word. I'm not sure though. My husband plays too much and I'm gullible so you never really know. I'm teetering on the edge about it all though. Some time ago, we were talking about females that we think are beautiful and I named people like Jennifer Lopez, Paula Patton, Zoe Saldana, and Jessica Alba. Hubby pointed out to me that I didn't include any black people in my list. From then on, it's been a running joke that I don't think black people are pretty (which is absolutely false by the way). So just last week, hubby made a joke and said that he's beginning to see things "my way". Ugh. I think I just rolled my eyes. But as the joke continues and I hear his comments about Katy Perry and Taylor Swift, something just doesn't feel right.

It's funny how we have these "black love" photos floating out on the web of us right now. Very ironic. Who my husband perceives as beautiful is very important to me because I want to be beautiful to him.

Time Flies

Wow. Time certainly flies doesn't it? It's been 3 weeks since I blogged last. Summer is already here. And half of the year is already pretty much over. I feel like I need to catch up before I get left behind. Speaking of catching up, here's an update on life.

Love
My marriage hasn't been this good since my first month of marriage. You know what he said to me this weekend? We were relaxing in bed. I was on my iPad searching for a special something (more on that to come!), and he was laying there watching me. Out of the blue he says, 'You're so cute.' Since I had my bonnet on my head, I turned to look at him with disbelief in my eyes, but then he went on to mention that he really likes me and plays with me so much because of how much he enjoys me. If you know my husband, you know how much of a joker he is, so to be the object of his jokes I guess is a good thing. Nevertheless, it was so nice to hear him express himself out of the blue. I live for moments like that.

Right now, he's in the man cave with 4 or 5 other guys who kind of invited themselves over at the last minute. Game 7 must be entertaining because I can hear them all the way up here in my bedroom. I'm glad hubby is having fun though. As time has progressed, I care more about him smiling and having fun and being happy than I used to. One can either look at that as a terrible thing, or a good thing. I choose the latter.

Girlfriends
I've only had one girlfriend who I talked to almost every single day. I was her person and she was mine. I miss that a bit. I have a great group of girls to hang out with and talk to if needed, but it doesn't go much farther. And I'm ok with that for now. I had a great double date with a new couple on Friday. It's interesting to watch a budding romance as a married person. You have so many suggestions and ideas and cautions to give. At the same time, by watching the new couple, you get to remember your courtship days. Besides all that though, I had a really good time. We dived into a few good conversations that allowed us to all show each other who we really are. I love stuff like that. Not to mention that the weather was perfect. I haven't gone to a rooftop lounge in a long time… since days in LA in fact. Looking out over the DC landscape was nice. I want to do more things like that with people. Eat, talk, have deep conversation, laugh. Sometimes I wish I had my person that made me her person so I could do that all the time without having to call someone up and ask them, but it's all good. Sometimes you have to put the work in and I'm not going to be lazy about it.

Family
Sis and brother-in-law are good. They are studying the Bible together with another spiritually mature couple. Loving that. The couple that they're studying with visited DC over Memorial weekend so hubby and I got to meet them. I think they are all a good fit for each other. I'm excited to see where the studies take my family. Mom and Dad are good too. Same ole with them. My mom calls me every day it seems. Dad is still as chipper and happy as he's always been. My in-laws are all doing well. They have teenage son issues, but what family with a teenage son doesn't?

Spirituality
If I had to rate my zeal right now, it would be a 7 with 10 being the highest and 1 the lowest. We had a public talk recently about whether your heart goes out in the ministry with you whenever you do field service. I thought that was interesting because I'm not sure mine does. So I want to work on that. I'm still very consistent in my commenting and my preparation. My Bible reading isn't that great though. In family worship tonight, hubby and I did the Bible reading for the week together. That was nice. We put in our applications for the Regional Building Committee a few weeks back. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. The idea of building Kingdom Halls and Assembly Halls is cool. Especially since I love interior design. Hopefully I'll get to help out with something like that.

Car
Can I just say that I love my car?! I had to drive out to Reston, VA today for a meeting and the drive was so much more enjoyable simply because of my car. I was thinking about my love for my car as I was breezing down George Washington Memorial Parkway. I haven't felt this good about a choice in a long time.

Career
Meh. It's there. I have a job. I get paid on time. The end.

Future
Here's what I'm looking forward to.
1. Visiting Hampton this weekend, seeing hubby's dad and my preggers amiga and of course, doing some outlet shopping which I really saved for this time! No credit cards.
2. The convention. I think we're getting a new Bible or something. There have been plenty of clues/hints leading me to this conclusion. I mean why else can no one order a Bible anymore at the literature counter?
3. My family reunion. I have $72 more to pay and then I'm free. A week long vacation on the beach with all of my family can't come soon enough. I think this is the first year that every single person will be there too. All of the cousins, the grand babies…everyone.

I think that's a sufficient update, don't you?

Give To Get

I've been obsessing lately over the lack of romance in my marriage. It's consuming my every thought and breathe. More than hubby knows. But with the help of a tweet, I just had an aha moment. (This is the first time twitter has made my life. Put a little effort into it and magical things happen.)

"The key for both sides is to do what's needed to have the other side wanting to offer... whether it be sex or romance." - Tweeter that shall remain anonymous

Hubby and I went on a date the other night, and although he tried by opening up the car door on 2 occasions, the romance fell flat. But I don't want to harp on what he didn't do. Instead I want to talk about that quote... I was told that a man's idea of romance is sex. yes, very basic and to be expected. A woman's idea of romance has very little to do with sex and can take an unlimited number of forms. Whatever the form, as long as the woman feels like she's the most beautiful and most special woman in the universe, romance has been accomplished.

The problem in my house, (here's where the quote comes in) is that neither of us have the other side wanting to offer what each other needs. Hubby doesn't do anything that makes me want to offer sex. And I don't do anything that makes him want to offer romance. I have relations with him because I know I need to in order to keep my man and whenever the urge hits me. Hubby romances me when... well. He romanced me when he was trying to become my one and only. In the here and now? Not so much.

So now that we're 3 years in, and the romance is gone and relations are by obligation or by my need, I'm finding that that quote will be my inspiration for a better relationship. And it's not that our relationship is all that bad because we've been doing very well lately. It's just that I have a need that is not getting filled. I'm 99% sure that he'll say the same thing of me. The danger of not fulfilling each others needs could be detrimental. An extra marital affair, the-needle-that-broke-the-camels-back argument, or all out disappointment in our marriage.

Deep down inside though, I find it hard to be the one to start this giving process. It's a very complex thing to give of yourself intimately when you don't feel cherished. Yes, he'll say that he cherishes me. But I don't FEEL cherished. We're best friends. We laugh. We can hang. I enjoy being with him. He enjoys picking on me. That's my homie. But does he make me blush? When he sings Carl Thomas' lyrics in the car ("I couldn't take my eyes off that girl for nothing. She looks like love. It felt so natural...I'm all caught up..."), I always get jealous of the air that he sings that too. If those words fell on me in all sincerity and genuineness that I can read from his eyes, I'd be putty in his hands.

But we're young. Relationships go through phases. At 28 and 30, being homies is what it's all about. We're hanging out with friends, we have no kids, we're having a whole bunch of fun. At 38 and 40, I'm hoping that the game changes up a bit. It seems like the older you get, the more you appreciate each other and see the beauty of the other.

But before I die of this lack, I have to figure out how to get it. Cause telling him just doesn't work.

Marley Joey/Mason Alex

It's Sunday and I don't have to work tomorrow. MJ went skating and I'm home on my sofa with a movie on. I couldn't have planned a more perfect evening. Alone in my favorite spot. I haven't really had the chance to enjoy my living room since I rearranged it. MJ was right. It's much more comfortable this way.

I don't talk about this with my husband anymore. For really good reason too. I'm not trying to stress him out. I've had so many different feelings about this subject that I can't recount them myself. But if I don't write this down, I fear I won't be able to fully sort out my thoughts.

I love thinking about baby names. But ask me if I'm ready to have a baby. I can't believe how many times I've changed my mind on this subject. One minute every fiber in my body is dying for a baby and then next, I'm cringing over the idea of waking up earlier than 7am. Yesterday as I woke up and slowly came to life, I felt so free, so grateful to be able to wake up on my own terms. I don't understand this Jekyl and Hyde thought process of mine. How do you want something so bad one minute and not want it at all the next? It would be fine if one of these feelings stuck. But I've gone through this so many times, I don't know what's true anymore.

I have normalized my expectations though. I have put away the calendars, period trackers, fertility apps, webmd research, pregnancy tests, etc. I've learned my lesson there. That's a sure fire way to drive me crazy. It works wonders for some, but I can't take another pregnancy test. My emotions will surely kill me. Happy, sad, relieved, disappointed.

But these baby names... Marley, Jax, Miller, Mieke, Mase, Joey... I even found a website www.nymbler.com that recommends names based on suggestions. Using those names, it suggested Kennedy, Reilly, Quinn, Harper, Alex... All names I love. I guess it's sort of like wanting to get married because of the wedding fantasy. Picking colors, designing invitations, searching for the perfect wedding gown... Only it's not just baby names that I think of. I think about my son, Mason Alex, or my daughter, Marley Joey, looking up at me. I think about my child telling me that I'm the best. I think about that baby reaching out for me. (sigh) I don't want to get too mushy here, so I'll stop. I think the point has been made.

But this moment right here. Me with my laptop, a movie and my peace... I do not want to give that up right now. My life is great. I feel good. I've been told I look good. I have great friends that I hang out with often. My life is simple. I have a couple of great Bible studies that I'm able to dedicate a good amount of time to. I have a new car that I don't want getting messed up. I can focus singularly on myself to improve my personality.

I so badly want to see what my husband's child will look like and how the two of them will love on each other. I want to see that side of him. The intimate interaction between a man and his child is so sexy.

As I continue to say whenever this topic comes up... Time will tell. I don't have much time at 30 years of age, but I'm sure I'll have my answer when the time is right. I wish I had 5 more years before having to think about this, but that's not my reality. Prayerfully something with come to a head soon.

Crazy Sexy Cool

"Wrong ring. Wrong guy" - Samantha

I'm watching Sex and the City while working from home today. I used to feel like that. If he proposed with the wrong ring, something that's so NOT you, then does he really know you? Now that I'm 2.5 years in, I can tell you that his taste in diamonds can be changed. That is the LEAST of your worries. The things you CAN'T change are the ones you need to worry about. Blatant things like his disrespect for women and his utter laziness or subtle things like his snoring at night and his sickening habit of farting when he pees. (lol. I had to laugh at that last one.) Well maybe those are things that can be changed with time, but YOU most certainly cannot change them nor should you try. That's what I'm learning in my marriage. I cannot change my husband. So lesson #492 is to let him be him. To do that, I have to do 1 of 2 things. Either ignore the things I can't change or become okay with whatever he's doing that I disapprove of. That leads me into a TLC-ism. Crazy Sexy Cool. If you have the album or have heard the album, you know what I'm talking about. That's my new motto. Crazy Sexy Cool.

Channel it J. Channel it.

Ran-Dumb Thoughts (Special Edition)

I'm struggling
I think I'm getting sick
And marriage has been incredibly hard
It's internally hard
There's not a day that goes by where I'm not fighting myself
Fighting not to say something
Fighting not to nag
Fighting to do what's unnatural
Fighting to be upbuilding
Fighting to remember what the Bible says to do
This morning, there was a serious war in my brain
Do I push him to get up since he's late?
Will he think I'm nagging?
Is there a way I can say it nicely?
Just don't say anything at all
He's grown
He knows what time he needs to be at work
But wouldn't it be considered helpful?
Looking out for his best interest?
Especially since he has to leave on time today
That means he'll have to stay late one day
I hate it when he stays late
Is it my job to make him a better man?
Yes
No
Just shutup J
Seriously
That's what I did this morning while trying to snuggle into him
For 15 minutes straight
Every single minute that I'm around him seems to be like that
A constant battle
Cannons and rifles and knifes
Shots and screams and explosions
That's how I feel internally
And when I say it's like that every single minute I'm around him
I'M NOT LYING
My mind moves a mile a minute
It's tiring
And when he reads this
I wonder if he'll use it against me
Will my super active mind come up in discussion
Or even an argument
I'm trying to be the best me
Which is why it moves like that
Trying to think before I act
Find the right course
Find the path of least resistance
I want to do the right thing
Cause the least amount of stress as possible
I want to be the best me
But maybe the best 'me' is not stress free?
But I've begun to question whether it's 'me' he wants
Perhaps he doesn't like my natural 'me'
So how do I be 'me'
I want to be his buddy
I want to be his roll dog
I want us to have each other's backs
I want us to be close
But in reality
I'm his wife
And not in a good way either
I think he sees me as his mate that tries to keep him in line
The nagging one
The strict one
The enforcer
I'd rather not be those things
I'd rather not have to nag
I'd rather not have to say 'Can you clean the...'
I wish the household tasks where like a robotic machine
All wheels, rivets and gears did what they should do without word
I don't know
It's hard to be a wife
To have this craving for a man
And to be the backbone of the house
And to be the backbone of the man
To encourage
To be chill
To be fun
To be sweet
To sex
To cook
To clean
I have so many roles
So many support function
I feel like I'm juggling 10 balls
And not doing a very good job of it
I'm not balancing them all correctly
And that's why he doesn't like 'me'
Every day is a constant struggle
We're not as close as we used to be
And it breaks my heart
But I can't say anything
Because I'm just drunk off love
I'm extra
I'm over and above
He says love is not like that
He rolls his eyes or laughs
Or worse
Gets sad
Then I made him sad
I'm not being encouraging
I'm not lifting him up
I failed as a wife
What it is to be a wife
I had no idea
I have to be everything
And I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing
I'm trying to smile
Trying to be 'cool'
Trying to be 'fun'
Whatever he wants me to be
I want to be it all for him
Because I crave him
I need to touch him
Feel his heat
Hold his hand
I love it when he lays his hand on me in bed
He probably thinks its nothing
And it means nothing to him
But for me it's everything
It begins fills the gaping hole I have to feel 'in love'
It makes me feel like he recognizes me
It makes me feel like he appreciates how hard I'm working
How much I DON'T say
I know that's not what he's thinking
But I like to imagine
To remember the single moments when he touches me
I don't know why I'm crying
I'm overwhelmed by life I guess
I wonder if he'll ever be into me like he was
Or will I always feel like something on his to do list
Will he ever again take my face in his hands and say something beautiful
Will he ever nervously wonder if I'll be with him forever
Will he ever again think I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him
Or is all that a distant memory?
I want us to be solid
'Solid as a rock'
But I feel we're fighting to hold on
Fighting for peace
And it's with this fight that I'm pressing forward with
At the same time though...
I'm struggling

Good

This past weekend was especially long. It was only 2 days. But especially long. I am so proud of my husband and myself. We came up against a potentially nasty fight Friday night, but I am happy to say that there was no yelling, no fighting, no hitting below the belt and no name calling. I used restraint, he was empathetic. He listened, I listened. I chose my words carefully and so did he. It was quite amazing. I feel like we could have given a master class on how to handle/diffuse a bad situation between husband and wife. I am glad that I married that man. We work well together. Saturday, was Tiff's day. Her bridal shower was absolutely amazing. And she was so gorgeous. The vintage-inspired dress she wore... her hair... her makeup. It was all so perfect. It was a tiring event though being as though I did the photography, but it was worth it. The more and more I shoot, the more I learn that indoor shooting is impossible. Not having natural light can seriously break you. (Photography Lesson 1 - the less light you have, the longer you want your lens to stay open before it snaps the picture. The longer the lens stays open, the more light you let pour in. The problem with that is most often than not, your subject is moving, which causes uber blurry pictures. So in low light situations, it's hard to get super crisp/clear shots.) I literally have to snap 500 pics just to get 100 that are usable. Sunday, hubby took me to a baseball game. I was cheesing from ear to ear. It felt so good to be out during the daytime, doing something easy. Our weekend days are usually errand or event prone. And if we have no such events or errands, hubby is usually sleeping. I like the sun. I need to see the sun. I need to be among people who are indebted to the sun. There's nothing like an easy Sunday in a ball park eating funnel cake and half smokes. Baseball is such a white sport. It's so 'American'. lol. This weekend was good.

Cue Tony Toni Tone: It's Our Anniversary...

My neck is killing me and this office is dead. Why even bother opening the office on Good Friday?

Anyway. Our anniversary is coming up. May 7th. Been thinking about how my cousins' (May 4th), my parents' (May 13th) and our anniversary will be all around the same time. So happy that my fam bam is getting married. It's going to be a fun weekend with all of my family in town. I'm really looking forward to that weekend. I got my dress. I didn't realize it's as body hugging as it is. I would send it back for another size but then the top might be too big. A loose wrap or light sweater it is. No time to be messing around and switching outfits.

Back to my anniversary. I managed to "sucker" (as he calls it) hubby into buying Beyonce tickets for us. Well for me. I canNOT wait. I have not seen her since The Beyonce Experience in 2008. Seeing as those she's one of my favorite performers, that's far too long. We had our honeymoon in Atlantic City too so it's the perfect choice. Atlantic City here we come! Next year, I don't expect to be able to go away or do too much for our anniversary. I want to plan for an out of the country trip in 2015. But that's neither here nor there. MJ requested that I purchase him a couple of new wedding bands being that he spent an inordinate amount of money on those tickets. Thank goodness tungsten rings are inexpensive. I wonder what else he's going to ask for though. I know he's not going to let me get away with spending what I spent.

Separate from the superficial and material stuff, I really am looking forward to celebrating two years of marriage with my man. It feels like we've been together forever one on hand, but on the other hand, it feels like we're just starting our lives together. I like that. I was thinking about my exes the other day and I was able to think with certainty that I married the man who was best for me. While he's not perfect, he's perfect for me. He makes me be a better woman in the most important ways which is something my exes didn't do for me. I had a whole bunch of fun and heartfelt times with them, but I looking back on it, I don't feel like they were looking out for my desires and needs. Well actually, my ex-fiance did me the greatest service by breaking up with me. It was because he was looking out for me that he did so. Not feeling like he could give me what I want or be what I needed, he ended our relationship. While I died inside in that moment (and for a good 6 months later), it was the greatest gift he could have ever given me. So yeah, hubby is right for me in all the areas that matter the most. Sure there are areas that could be better, but that's what happens with imperfect people. The great part is that both of us are fighters. Fighters for a happy marriage that is. I'm so proud of my husband. He's grown so much since we've first started dating. I remember thanking Jehovah so profusely for MJ when he first popped up in my life. I should continue doing that, because Jehovah knows he is a gift!

Happy anniversary love of my life! I wholeheartedly look forward to all the experiences that we'll have in the coming years. Stick with me babe. It's going to be fun!

Still Calm

Marcus and I have had the weirdest, most mind-boggling, random month ever, and it's still not over. Good thing about it though is that we're taking it like champions. No one is falling apart. Our partnership and best friendedness is pretty tight. I wouldn't want to go through so many crazy and random things with anyone else. I love me some MJ.

Saving This Forever

As I sit here at my desk, I can’t help but to think about how you looked at me on Sunday night when my back was hurting. I walked up to the sofa, sore, and you looked up at me with those pretty brown eyes. At that moment I felt my heart melt. In your eyes, I saw your deep affection for me. I saw your appreciation for me, and I saw how much you cared. Most importantly, I saw my future. You are my baby girl, I love you so much and I would do anything for you. I have been thinking about the moment where I looked into your eyes for the last couple of days and wanted to let you know. I hope that you have a good day sweetheart.

Hard Times

Today is a better day. Even though the weather might not be that great, when my husband and I are back loving each other again, all is well with the universe.

It's funny how when you're single or dating, things seem so hard. Finding a mate that fits you can seem near impossible. But after you get married, nothing gets easier. What was once so hard, still remains hard. What I believe the biggest issue between men and women are our methods of communication. Men and women show love in totally different ways. What means 'I love you' to a man, means diddly squat to a woman and vice versa. My husband and I have very different ways of expressing love to each other. And while we both appreciate the guestures of the other, what our mate offers is not quite what we need. He feels wanted and loved when I cook him dinner and when I participate fully in sex. I feel wanted and loved when he takes the time to hug and comfort me when I'm down or when he stays wrapped up around me when we're laying on the couch together. The hard part comes in when I'm not 100% enthused about sex because I'm not getting the affection or when he's not naturally an affectionate guy so I'm not interested in sex. It actually feels worse than it just being hard, but the fact is that it will always be hard. Life in general is hard. But what we all have to remember is that our perspective on the issue makes all the difference. I already know I'm going to have good and bad times with my husband. At times we're going to miss each other on certain issues, but that's okay. The bottom line is that we love each other and ultimately want to see the other person happy. 'Work hard' is the name of the game. I'm okay with doing that as long as we 'Stay Together'.

Sometimes He Needs Help

101 Small Things to Keep the Wife Happy
100 Ways You Can Love Your Wife HER Way
How To Make Your Wife Happy
My old post. 70 Things That Make Me Happy

Crying over love

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I can't stop thinking about and crying over the love I have for my husband. It's like I'm having a delayed response to our wedding day or something. I've been married for nine months, yet I feel completely overwhelmed with my appreciation for him. It's not that he's done anything extra lately, however I do think that he's grown leaps and bounds since we joined forces. He's grown into the man that I never imagined I would have all to myself. He is so gentle and caring with me. He says the right things and takes me into consideration with every single decision. I know that this is what he's SUPPOSED to do, but I am still in amazement with his tenderness. I've never felt like this before.

I've written plenty of blog posts in the past few years about what I wanted in a man. I've written poems, lists, copied lyrics, etc...and today I can honestly say that all of the desires I put to paper (or to the computer screen) have come true. Jehovah has truly truly blessed me.

I wish for all the women in the world to experience what I feel. I think that's why I'm such a romantic. I watch 'The Bachelor' and other shows like it, all the while rooting intensely for romantic connections and heartfelt moments. Every female (and every man) deserves to be appreciated and loved. It's everyone's right!

So this is dedicated to love and the man who I feel like was made especially for me. I am truly stuck in amazement.

Of him.

Sometimes I don't think he sees me the way I see him. I can stare at him for hours. I can watch his hand as it touches the handle of a pot. I can watch his back muscle flex as he reaches up high to adjust the shower head. I can watch his toes grip his flip flops as he walks around the house. Shoot. I can watch stubble grow on his face. I never get tired of watching him. I notice everything. His veins, his fingernails. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm appreciative. Of him.

Another Day...

...another dollar. Sigh.

The only thing I enjoy about Mondays is my husband's and my family worship. I'm not sure what's happening to me but any opportunity that I have to lay up under that man and talk, I run for it like a fat kid running for cake. It's so odd to be this into him. *cue SWV's "I'm So Into You"* But whatever, he's my husband so I guess it's all good. Let me take the pride off.

I've been thinking a lot about the love movies and romantic comedies that I savor and how they compare to my life. If you know me, you are aware of the fact that sometimes I live my life according to movies. Is that wrong? Yes. But nevertheless, I do it. Sue me. =) So, in all this thinking, I came to the conclustion that my life is actually a love movie. Granted it's not as over the top as what you may see on the big screen, but I think you could very well take some film of us and use it as one of the frames in a movie about love. I usually spend so much time comparing myself to other fictional relationships that I fail to look at my own from the outside and see it for what it's really worth. But since I've taken a moment to do so, I can honestly say that I'm living a fantasy. That's not to say that we don't get into it though. Whenever we argue, my husband acts like it's the worst thing ever, which I guess is good. He's extremely serious about fixing us up while I'm over here just taking my time waiting for time to heal the issue. I don't think a day is a long time to not speak. I NEED a day when we're upset with each other, but again, it's the worst thing ever to him. But hunny bunny (he hates it when I call him that) is getting great at diffusing my defenses. The last time we fought, he came home with a dozen roses and a card that asked if we can start over again. I was already getting weak while reading the message on the front, so when I opened it and saw that he wrote a message in the card where some of the letters backwards like a kingdergardener would, all in crayon, it was over. It was so innocent and defenseless. The man had me balling like a baby. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the evening under him - the safest place in the world. I am in the healthiest and most functional relationship in my life. And because we have Jehovah as the third cord, the relationship is super strong. I couldn't ask for a better life.

Management Analyst for the Office of the Chief Financial Officer. That's the job I want. That's the job I need. I'm extremely qualified. I'm ready to step back up to the plate. And I'm excited about the position. I won't get paid as much as I used to working for Essence Magazine or The Washington Post, but I'll take it. There's no reason why I shouldn't get this job unless there's someone else out there that's a Microsoft Access expert. That's the only bullet point that I couldn't give myself a top rating in. If used it, but I've never developed it on my own. Drat! I really want that job. If you're reading this, can you please say a silent prayer for me right now? Thanks.

Recently I've been reading some of the blogs and excerpts and campaigns and controversies going on in the internet world. Why are there so many?! No Women No Womb, The Mean Girls of Morehouse, Kim Kardashian naked on W Magazine, the Black Marriage Negotations video, Bishop Eddie Long... What is going on?! Why are there so many issues and fights!? So what that some women decided they would rather be married than have a baby daddy or two. Yes, there are gay flamboyant men at Morehouse. Did you think this would never happen when our world is becoming increasingly gay? Why are you surprised? I've come to the conclusion that every just wants to fight. As soon as you state your opinion, no sooner is there some around the corner who wants to disagree with your OPINION just to disagree. And I hear that twitter is just a platform for fighting as well. Why are you screaming UNFOLLOW and BLOCK at each other? (Stolen from Black Snob. I love that. Hilarious!) How dumb is all of this? Before you know it, some angry, crazy, smart, techy person is going to blow up the internet just to stop people from writing things that he disagrees with. It's out of hand. Simply out of control. I'm trying to figure out where the line is between keeping up with the times and minding my own business. I like reading others blogs, but if I'm not in the know, I might as well be reading in Mandarin. I guess that's why I never comment on blogs full of opinions. Unless someone is blatantly ignorant of God's will/laws and I can afford an extra 15 minutes to minister, I'll keep to myself. No use in speaking unless I'm going to shut it down with facts that come from the Bible. With as many professed Christians as there are around here, you can't really argue with that. But if people were speak Bible facts, the drama would end. And who wants that?! Smh.

Anyway, back to me. What else is going on? Oh. I've been meeting and making acquaintances with a lot of new people lately. Most of them are married couples actually, which has been quite nice. I really enjoy having them in my rolodex and plan to do some fun things with them in the future. It's nice to know there are people I can go to a Jazz Formal with (December in Charlotte, NC!), but also go out in the ministry with and talk seriously about our thoughts on ministering in another country seeing as though were are without children. I was talking to 3 of my male co-workers at once about my lack of luster for children. I tried to explain that I wanted to be free to do things that are important to me and my relationship with Jehovah, but they didn't understand. Oh well. At least I know those who do.

MJ just texted me asking me how my head was feeling since I've had a constant headache for two days now. I told him that was sweet and he asked if it was romantic enough. LOL. My man is learning! He puts a smile on my face. Well, my headache is actually starting to come back so, let me see how long I can put my head down without an interruption.

Ciao!

Another Week In My Life

Yaaaawwwn. Another week to go.

How ya doin folks? Me? I'm just fine. Lovin life and life is lovin me. We're getting ready to attend our annual district convention in Richmond for three days of spiritual food. There's so much to do before we get there. Today I have to get our laundry down to a bearable size. I need to take MJ's shirts to the cleaners. And I have to start planning our meals for the three days. Sunday after the convention, we're staying down in VA for a 'Meet & Greet Mr. and Mrs. Jackson' event that my mother-in-law is throwing. I hear that a lot of people are coming. I'm excited to meet MJ's family. We're going to get home waaay late that night. Maybe I should take off Monday too. Let me email hubby to see if he thought about that. I'm expecting to get the new clothes that I bought off modcloth.com by Tuesday or Wednesday. Then I'll really be able to figure out what I'm going to wear. Tuesday I need to wash my hair and Wednesday, I need to get it trimmed up again and then make sure I'm all packed. Detra never cuts my hair short enough the first time. She thinks that I'm not going to be able to grab it if it's too short. She underestimates my skill. lol.

I got my new Essence magazine yesterday. I'm always excited about that. Maybe today I won't be so bored at work now. Oh! I have a new tv series that I'm watching too. Keeping up with the Joneses. It's a pretty inspiring show because it's everything that I'm interested in. The creator of the Texas regional fashion magazine "Jones", Tracey Ferguson, is chronicling her life while being a mother of two and while trying to expand the magazine to a national status. Tracey is so fabulous and together that I'm enthralled. I'm hoping to use the inspiration I get from the show to dabble into some things of my own. We'll see how far I get with it. Love it!

What else is up? Marcus got a phone call from a friend last night that he missed. We were so excited to call him back hoping that we were going to get invited out somewhere, but when we heard that the call was accidental, we were quite bummed. So pathetic we are... But that's okay. We had a great weekend together. Saturday amongst the misty rain of the morning, my husband told me to get in the car without knowing where he was taking me. To my smile's benefit, we ended up at the local pond that's looped by a woodside trail that I've mentioned I wanted to take a peak at. We pass by it everyday but we never knew what was beyond the first glance. It was so special because I always talk about playing in the rain and that's exactly what Marcus had us do. We ran hand in hand through the misty downpours throughout our excursion around the pond. What's best about it is that he didn't even complain! With white sneakers on and all, he never said a word. He just grabbed my hand and let me through the woods. Even when I told him that we couldn't do this because of his sneakers and the heavy rain drops, he said no and pulled me onwards. My husband is so good to me. Ever since I explained to him through tears about how I need someone who likes the same things I like, he's stepped his game up. The man truly takes care of my heart and I love him for that. He's so tender with me and works very hard to make me happy. I'm so blessed.

Okay, I'm all mushy inside so I'm going to go now. Lol.

Have a nice day everyone.