Thursday, October 22, 2009

Should We Have Kids?

Very good question! A blog hasn't made me think like this in a very long time. Great topic. Click on the link below. What do you think?

How Important Is Spreading The Right Seeds?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Now Enters Wisdom

It's important not to let other people distract you from your purpose if your purpose is a good one. Others will talk and rant and babble and even scream, but in the end, all you have is you and the road ahead. It's so easy to become hurt, embarrassed or disappointed when people can't keep their comments to themselves. You wonder why individuals can't just mind their own business and why your life is so important to them. You want to tell everyone to move along and get over what they think is a shocking revelation. But at the end of the day, people will be people. Nothing should stop you from keeping your senses and putting up with the craziness of others. It was the apostle Paul who told us to keep putting up with one another and to forgive freely because God freely forgave us. So as a Christian, that's what we do. We put up, forgive, keep our minds, and move on. Agape love will cover a multitude of crap.

I've learned that it's best to look out for the interest of others. Sometimes things are just too much for other people. Not everyone can handle the things that I can. So if it's not hurting me to keep things to myself, why not do so? I certainly don't want to stumble anyone. And what's ok for someone else, may not be ok for me. I am my own person (we are our own couple) and I (we) cannot ride on the coat tails of another individual (couple). Of course, coming to this conclusion is not easy. It takes calling to mind the things that I have learned over the years and in my studies. I takes application. It takes love. So I remember the things that will benefit me, I quiet my own heart in order to be mild, I open my eyes to everyone with a great outlook, and I say a prayer. That's the way it's going to be.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Angry Black Women

I asked my co-worker how her weekend was. Expecting a canned answer, I was surprised when she said "BAD". I stopped, turned around and proceeded to ask questions in order to understand why her weekend was so bad. She told me that she was just mad. Mad all weekend. So mad that she's been praying for God to take away the angry spirit that's within her. For some reason, that sparked something in me because I could 100% identify. I immediately wanted to give her a hug and tell her that I know how she feels. I too was just mad for whatever reason just last week. I don't know if this is true of all women or just African-American one's like my co-worker and myself, but we can be some angry women at times! And just angry for no reason. No reason at all. If your man doesn't say the perfect thing, you get angry. If your money's not right, you get even more angry. If your hair doesn't lay right, you get angry again. If someone smiles at you, you get angry to the 10th degree. I believe that this mad streak is about more than just PMS. I believe it dates back way into time when we were strong and mad for a reason. Discrimination, civil rights, slavery... As a result of so much struggle, us women have a deep, red, thick blood running through our veins. It's not easy penetratable and can even grow cold if need be. But, yeah. To be just mad... I know the feeling. I'm glad she mentioned that she was praying though. It's all you can do when you're mad for no apparent reason. Men may feel like being mad for no apparent reason is some sort of craziness but it's not. I promise you, it's not. But anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. All I can really say is that I understood. I understood her. An angry black woman to another. I understood.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Morning Thoughts

It's your choice. You choose whether today will be better than yesterday. Or you can choose to wallow in the same crap you did yesterday. I choose to forget about yesterday and to burrow through the day as if I don't have the time. The concept of time is a funny one. Sometimes it's my best friend and others, not so much. One thing is for sure, time is the best healer. The anguish of yesterday is not the anguish of today. In fact, with every passing day, anguish turns into pain, pain into sorrow, sorrow into melancholy, and melancholy into just ok. But the part about time I hate is that you can't get it back and there's never enough of it. I especially don't care for the part of time where it stretches out eons in front of you when you wish that the end of the eon was knocking at your front door. Like today for example. I wish I were on my way home right now instead of on my way out. Why can't we fast forward time and just be done with it? Oh how I wish I could go through the day like a zombie, hazily going through the movements, but yet be extremely productive and intelligent at the same time. My new job requires me to think. I have to be on point at all times as I contribute to ways in which we increase revenues. I am truly planning and analyzing every business decision we make. With that said, there unfortunately can be nothing hazy about me during a typical work day.

I'm in survival mode. Survival mode means simplicity. There's no room for extras at the moment. No extra stress, cares, projects, burdens, issues, problems, things, people, and places. Simplicity allows me the room to focus. It also allows me the space to be silent and I'm loving the idea of silence. We have all come to know that when there is peace, there's joy. No matter how difficult a task, if it can be tackled with a sense of peace, it will be done well and to the best of your ability. That's what I'm hoping for. Success. Not just for the work week, but in life.

On a lighter note, my family is involved in a little friendly competition to guess the date of my pending engagement. It's entertaining to see everyone be so interested. Bets are flying in right and left but I still have yet to agree or disagree with anyone's guess. Some say next month and others say next year. When I hear their thoughts, I fail to get a feeling that makes me want to swerve in the affirmative or otherwise. I haven't once thought, 'yeah that seems close' or 'no way, that'll never happen'. I'm so blank on the subject. My attitude is que sera, sera. What it will be is what it will be. Whatever happens. It's my decision to pay attention to myself only at this point. My focus is forward and not on others. By the way, wrong speculation can cause harm, and one thing I will not do is suffer harm. Nothing in life is guranteed so you best protect your heart.

Enjoy your day.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Wednesday, October 07, 2009


I am exhausted. Work seriously wore me out today. So much so that my director told me to leave early Friday. I pray that I'll be able to take advantage of that. There's just so much to do. And more to do when I get home tonight.

I'm out of town again this weekend. I feel like I just got back into town, except I didn't go anywhere. Didn't think my calendar would ever look as full as it does. Whenever I'm asked if I'm free, I have to check my pinkberry like the CEO of a Fortune 500 company (except his/hers isn't pink-shame). I'm still dying to get away. And not for a purpose, but just because. I want to go to my busy home of old. By myself. I miss NY.

Imogen Heap is so good to me right now. She's exactly what should be in my ear considering my mood and location. There's a huge caucasian man sitting next to me making me feel trapped against the train's window. Imogen is soothing my nerves. But it's a good thing he's white. He won't be on the train for much longer. I doubt he'll go past Eastern Market. Hopefully. Oh wait! I'm at Potomac Avenue! OH NO! Maybe he forgot to get off. No. He just looked out the window and calmly looked back down at his phone. Shoot! Why do I always get locked in? Every other person in this car is sitting alone. Ok. Stadium Armory was his final destination. My back doesn't hurt so bad anymore. Freedom.

My mind went blank. You ever feel like someone is taking a picture of you with their camera phone? I'm pretty sure that's happening right now. I wish there were laws against that. Where might my picture end up? I don't even want to think about it.

I asked God for strength this evening. More specifically, the strength to respond appropriately. In a mature fashion. In a manner that others would want to imitate. I have a mean streak. I need to work hard to surpress it because usually the ones I love are the only ones who see it. I have all the compassion in the world for strangers. I may have compassion for loved ones as well, yet I have a hard time showing it when ticked off. I feel like loved ones should know better. It's no excuse however.

When I look into the future, I hardly see past 1st quarter 2010. I don't want it to be that way. I wish I could see further but everything past that is darker than a pitch black southern night. My future literally falls off a cliff. It's extremely empty. For the first time, I can not anticipate my life. The sketch pad of my world is so blank. How do I feel about that? My emotions are mixed. I'm somewhat apprehensive but yet I'm anxious to fill in the blanks. One thing is for sure. It's going to be a learning experience.

I dreamt that my parents were getting a divorced. I remember screaming at my dad and telling him that he must not be a man of God and he better fix it.

As late as it is, I'm not ready to go home. I could use a stiff drink but I think I'll settle for a chic-fil-a vanilla shake with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Monday, October 05, 2009


I'm supposed to be working right now, but I have something I need to say. I'm thinking of inspiration. How important it is, how it's lacking in my life right now, which in turn is preventing me from inspiring others. It really isn't an excuse though. Just because I'm not inspired doesn't mean I get to keep my powers from others. When I'm not able to inspire others, I feel dead. I feel like there's no point to my life. I remember when Precious-Gem said this about my writing. "J.A.C...She speaks my language too and just as I'm thinking "it's just me", I read her thoughts and realize that it's not. I'm so glad that people are willing to be honest. Not to mention, her writing style is so romantic. It's so flowy and organic." Her words did more for me than she will ever imagine. I want to always inspire and make people feel like it's okay. It's what energizes me. And I'm so sad that I haven't been able to do that lately. The things that have inspired others such as my photography, my fashion sense, my writing and my beliefs are all so un-juiced. The battery levels are very low. I once started a scrapbook of all the things that inspire me. I didn't get too far on it of course, but it's at moments like this that I wish it was complete. It could be my own personal battery charger.

I expressed to my personification of love how I was feeling Talk about gifts. He has the amazing ability to patch up holes in my soul. After telling me that I inspire him every day, he commenced to tell me that he wants to be nicer, more loving, more caring, more open, more spiritual and more affectionate because of me; how his heart wells up with emotion as he thinks of how blessed he is to be with me and to have my positive influence in my life. I can't even think of how that made me feel while I cried to him about how I don't make a difference in people's lives. He surely helped save me from feeling like I was all the way dead. Now I only feel half dead.

Inspiration is vital. I don't care if it's coming from you or from someone else. Inspiration needs to dwell wherever we are, no matter whether it's in the form of a picture or a person or a scripture. Inspiration is our feul. It motivates us to do better, to help someone out, to change our views, to paint a canvas, to give someone a smile, to look our best. I can never under-estimate the power of inspiration. It's my being's very essence.

Inspire : to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration

Broken Nuptials

Let's take a poll. How many people out there have cancelled a wedding or broken off an engagement?

Not too long ago, I was having brunch with a group of friends. Seven to be exact. And out of those seven, four of us had either cancelled a wedding or broken an engagement. Over half! I can't remember my reaction. I don't know if I was shocked or just sad, and I still don't have a definitive reaction today. Being one of those four, I can only believe that we all made one of the biggest and BEST decisions of our lives. I seriously applaud all individuals who bulldoze through the excitement of a wedding or the beauty of a diamond ring and prevent them and their partners from making a very bad mistake. So back to my original question. Exactly how many of us are there out there? I'm interested in all ages, but particularly in the young ones. Us 20 something to 30 something year olds. How did these ones get the guts to call it off after wedding invitations were sent? Do you think that there are a lot of broken engagements out there or are most people going through with weddings after knowing it's a bad idea? Hmm...

Ran-dumb Thoughts

He asked me if I was going to write today.
I guess I should.
I definitely don't write as often as I want.
I've fallen off on a lot of things.
Not necessarily because I want to or I'm lazy.
Life has been busy.
My time has been occupied.
One thing that I've completely fallen off track with is my picture taking.
Not my SLR hobby stuff, but my everyday picture taking.
I used to carry my point and shoot around like my licensce.
I don't know what happened to that.
My camera definitely needs to go back in my handbag.
I'm missing out on a lot of memories by not having it.
I have so many pictures from my LA and NY existances.
I feel bad that I haven't took the same initiative while I've been in the DMV.
Being here is just as important as being there was.
I guess I better act like it.
I'm feeling blah this morning.
The Monday blues.
You know how that goes.
I didn't want the weekend to go away.
It was so good to me.
I don't feel all that pretty today.
Tried to put a little more makeup than the usual on my face, but that never helps.
I really miss Essence.
There was hardly a day when I felt down while working there.
This is not to say that my job now makes me down because it's 100x better than it used to be.
But there's something about working for the magazine you love which writes about topics you like which are written and put together by woman who look and think like you.
It was so inspiring.
While my current job isn't horrible, it doesn't inspire me.
But not most people's jobs do.
My family is good.
We had a bruising this weekend, but it's as resolved as it's going to get.
I'm still a little cautious but my mom is making great efforts, so I know that I can too.
My sis and I spent some time in Hallmark on Sunday.
You know you're getting old when you start buying greeting cards in packs for future special occassions.
It was necessary though.
People are passing, anniversaries are coming and going, people's feelings are hurt and milestones are happening.
I was taught a lesson this weekend.
I'm no longer a child and when events happen, it's up to me to make mention and say that I care.
Parents are not responsible for my sending my well wishes along with theirs.
I'm grown.
Autumn just tagged me in this note.
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us." -Author Unknown
It's so funny that I'm getting this because I was trying to put into words something that seems buried deep down inside.
I was thinking about my best friends (sis, mj, kace, kara, etc.) and how they have clear gifts.
My gift on the other hand is hard to see which makes me feel discontent.
I don't think I'm content just the way I am.
I want more.
I want to do better.
But of course, we're harder on ourselves than anyone else.
Maybe I'm thinking too hard.
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