Instagram: How I Hate Thee...or Love Thee?

I found someone who feels the exact same way as me. The person who knows me the best, my husband, can tell you how I feel about social media. I'm not sure if I verbally lay out my thoughts to him in a clear and concise manner, but my sometimes disinterest and my turn-up of the nose looks whenever Instagram is mentioned probably say a lot. This topic fascinates me: my like-hate relationship with Instagram. I could never put my finger on why until today. Before I share with you the post that made me say 'yes!', I'd like to share that I've taken steps to re-do my Instagram account. Even before I really understood why, I knew I had to stop following the people I know. So I went from following about 300 people down to 100 and back up to 150 or so. I stopped following husbands of girlfriends, I stopped following people I used to know, I stopped following people I see sometimes on a rare occasion. It wasn't easy. As I went from profile to profile, I paused to make sure I really wanted to do this. But you know what question popped in my head as I debated whether to unfollow someone? Will they get mad at me if I'm not tied in to their life? If someone gets pregnant or loses a family member or whatever, and they announce it on social media, will I be at fault for not knowing? And of course when I take a step back and look at that line of questioning, it is amazingly ABSURD. So I tapped the unfollow button...over 200 times.

My feed then got real stupid. Going back and forth between posts from the Jehovah's Witness instagram and Tracee Ellis Ross's Instagram... opening Instagram at all became a waste of time. When I first heard about Instagram, I was in love with it. An outlet to post photography and photography only?! Whaaaaat? A place where I can look at other people's photography, illustrations, thoughts and creative ideas and become inspired! Whaaaat? Reflecting on why I joined Instagram in the first place and not wanting my feed to be stupid, I did some research. The Huffington Post popped up in my search results. "Bored By Your Instagram Friends? Here are 28 Refreshing..." Bam. That's it right there. I read on. "The difficulty is in finding accounts that breathe some much-needed fresh air into..." Yes! "...list of accounts that embody everything that's right about Instagram..." Yes! That phrase resonated with me...'that embody everything that's right about Instagram'. They are so right because there is so much about Instagram that is just so wrong. As I perused the list of refreshing new profiles, my count of people I followed went back up. 50 new little interests. Illustrators, photographers, creative thinkers... Who knew that these people were buried in here among the mass of crap?

But this isn't even the article that inspired this post. One of my recent posts is about my mental and physical cleanse which included a shutdown of social media, so when I saw this written by a woman named Kate Arends... I left Social Media For A Week. This Is What Happened... I clicked immediately. It's quite a long article so for those who aren't interesting in reading the whole thing, let me copy and paste snippets and bold where I had my aha moments.

"I’ve often wondered about the affect technology has on our moods and sense of well-being. We’re social creatures by nature with a thirst for information. Today, there’s no shortage of content to consume, and there’s more people to share it with than ever. Some could argue the digital age is what the industrial era was to the men who build America. Gates, Jobs, Zuckerberg are the new Rockefeller, Carnegie, Morgan.  Technology is our new infrastructure."

"Then there’s mass media. And more specifically, mobile media. The newest trillion dollar industry is built to cater to a more efficient world, expanding seamlessly into the time and space where leisure once lived. Their products are designed to act as our fifth limb– to pull at our pleasure sensors– encouraging maximum usage and consumption of content. Delectable, juicy, uselessly tasty content. As a result, mass media filters into our lives through the devices we rely on to make a living.
That’s where it get complicated for me."

"The little experiment did shed light on my reliance on social media, and in many ways, my mood is just as affected by other distractions on my phone and computer. I’m feeling much better, but I’m still at risk of slipping to another depressive state. All that aside, the process ended up being surprisingly cyclical. I was reminded that my social media footprint was created to promote self-discovery, and that doesn’t have to change, because Wit & Delight existed before it’s content reached millions.  It’s a point of view and a filter; it’s my leisure, my creative laboratory, my outlet. Somehow along the way I forgot to take the time to savor and process these moments myself, and for my little family. Wit & Delight is a part of me– a real, live, human being. A real life that I live, and will continue to live, should I decide to part with social media for good."

Exactly! While Instagram has developed into a source of irritation to me, I first joined because it promoted self-discovery. Before people started following me, I posted. I could care less about likes. I did it for the art. And that art...j.a.photography, j.a.design and whatever else I do should continue no matter if I'm on social media or not.

Reading Kate's article helped me. I'm glad I found her. I'm glad she was one of the 50 people who I decided to follow. My reinvention has already yielded results. I'm thinking more. I'm writing more. I'm inspired. Another reason why Kate's article helped me so much is because the only other person I have to get a relative sense of whether I'm crazy regarding my feelings for Instagram is my husband. And he LOVES Instagram. When I turn up my nose or make a comment about Instagram, he doesn't feel me. As a matter of fact, he loves Instagram for all the reasons why I hate it. So then...I start feeling like I'm the weird one. I kept fighting with myself, having conversations in my head like 'am I crazy? on a whole, doesn't Instagram cause more harm than good based on what it turned into? wouldn't the world be better if we didn't spend hours scrolling through our feeds and actually having conversation with the people to the right and left of us?' So Kate helped me. I'm not crazy. She's even connected social media to her depressive bouts and is asking questions like mine.

As I wrap up, I'll leave you with her thought provoking questions. Hopefully this helps you as much as it helped me in setting my own boundaries and coming to a healthy relationship with social media.

Plenty of people navigate the mobile media world with ease and grace. Plenty of people have unhealthy relationships with mass media and technology. The point of sharing my experiment is to discuss the link between social sharing and our mental well-being, and to raise questions about the relationship and reliance on our digital footprint. 
How real and impactful is an online persona? 
Does this mean it is essential to become more human in the digital world? 
If yes, how do we do it with authenticity, care, and purpose? 
Is curating a hyper-idealized, editorial version of yourself just another way of catfishing your followers? 
How do we be more human without disclosing too much of ourselves? 
Or, will be have to find new ways to cope with our connectedness in order to keep up with an increasingly digital environment?

Update: I just read some of the comments and look what I found! Ha! 

I read a quote on one of my new Instagram pages that mentioned how 'Me too' is one of the most comforting phrases to hear. So to this I say "Me TOO!"

Cleanse

Last week was a cleansing week. After my vacation, I was feeling a bit clogged up in more ways than one, so I decided to cleanse my mind and body. Not only did I eat healthy, I avoided television and social media. A week without social media and tv taught me a few things.

1. I should read more. I am reading a business novel at the moment which is kinda interesting. I'm trying to get it read so I can gain some perspective on business issues. If it weren't for my no-tv policy, I wouldn't have started reading it.

2. I don't need to know what's going on in people's lives who I don't talk to on a regular basis. Why am I looking at pictures of a girl who I knew 10 years ago but no longer speak to? Such a waste of time. It's tricky this Instagram thing. It makes you wonder what we were doing before IG. Is IG really good for us as a society? When IG was used to showcase photography, I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. But now.... Eh.

3. There are other interesting things to do other than watch tv! Like talk to my husband for instance! I think my creative process would flow a lot easier if I was forced to fill up time with something other than tv and social media. Photography and interior design used to be loves of mine. Getting rid of distractions to rekindle that fire sounds like a plan.

4. I like not feeling reliant on entertainment to feel content. It feels good to clear out the space, listen to myself think and not feel the need to tune into others lives to be entertained. My life is enough.

JJ

A Positive Outlook

The lovely thing about marriage...well, marriage between two people who have the goal of making their God happy... is that it can only get better. That's the true eventuality of that relationship. Two people who have the goal of making their God happy, want to do things the right way. So with all the lessons learned early in the marriage, both parties can do nothing but mature and grow.

That's my belief. That's really what I base my whole marriage on. And I see it happening. Every time there's a disagreement, it's handled a little bit better than the last. Every time feelings are hurt, someone is a little less offended than before. When situations arise, Bible principles guide one more than previously.

Because, let's be honest. To go in the other direction is a result of stupidity. Even insanity. Why make the same mistakes over and over again? Who does that benefit? In my religion, when you make the same mistake over and over again, the consequences are not easy. That's because my God does not tolerate insanity and stupidity after one has been taught. After you get the lesson, you are expected to do better.

It's no different in marriage. And for that reason, I look forward to seeing where we'll be 10 years out. I'd actually give my thumb (not really because I need my thumb), to be 10 years out and to see how differently we handle situations. I so look forward to seeing where my husband is. How differently will he love me? If the same issue presented itself in 10 years, how different will his reaction be? I look forward to the wisdom that I will gain. What kind of application will I make? What will no longer be an issue for me?

So while I sometimes base my strength in marriage solely on what wonderfulness the future holds, I know that I have to live in today. In the here and now. So I try to not miss the process. The maturation of it all. The little victories we have. I can't forget that next week is also considered the future. With every passing wee, the growth process is existing. Day to day even. As long as I'm taking something I learned and applying to the next week, the next day, the next minute, growth is happening.

I've always been up for challenges in life and I've always gotten through them well. (Not to toot my own horn.) Marriage is so far the most challenging thing I've ever done, but just like in other challenges, I have a good feeling about how I'm doing. I am a perfectionist and I hate to fail, so I am determined to do this right.

So True!

'I love the very idea of breakthrough moments, breakthrough times in our lives. I would have to say that the biggest breakthroughs for me have always happened when I was going through a difficult time and suddenly came across an "aha" moment or an opening.

So what I’ve learned from all of the breakthroughs in my life experience is that not one single thing you ever have to go through, or get through, is wasted. All experiences are greater possibilities for a moment of awakening and enlightenment.' - Oprah

I was just thinking about this idea the other day. I was participating in a Bible discussion about appreciating Jehovah's watchful care and how He helps us endure trials. Two questions arose. What might be one of the reasons why God does not intervene in solving our personal problems? and What realization might help you to avoid becoming impatient when waiting for Jehovah to help you through a trialsome situation? 

I've had the wonderful pleasure of going through some trialsome situations in which I learned more about myself than I would have otherwise. The break-up with my ex, the loss of a relationship with a old friend, a terrible mishap with my first love... Looking back on those experiences, I admit that they were all well-deserved. It was brought up in the Bible discussion that while we may feel that the other party bears most of the blame, God may view things differently. From His standpoint, you may be more at fault than you realize. I think that was the situation for me in ALL of my trials. It taught me a valuable lesson. If you stick to the paths outlined in God's Word, all will be fine. When you veer to the right or left or think you know better than God, bad things happen. Like Oprah said, not one single difficult experience was wasted. I was awakened and enlightened. 

Here's another quote for you from Zoe Saldana. 

“I was a ferocious dancer so therefore I was a ferocious up-and-coming actress. When it comes to auditions, I’m not competitive with anybody. I don’t even know who’s sitting next to me. I wouldn’t even tell you if it was a blonde or brunette. The moment you compare yourself, it weakens you.”

This chick isn't playing. I knew there was a reason I like her. I LOVE that last line.

Questions Answered

Thought I'd take a little time to answer some questions from what I've determined is my favorite website right now.

1. If a doctor gave you five years to live, what would you try to accomplish?
2. What is the difference between falling in love and being in love?
3. Who do you think stands between you and happiness?

1. This is a timely question because I randomly read an article about the actress, Kate Hudson yesterday. Kate has this fly by the seat of her pants attitude. Real bohemian. She does daily meditations and whatever she wants to do, she does. She exercises by dancing around to music intensely until she's tired out and then does an interview immediately afterwards with sweat in her hair. That kind of attitude is so cool to me. If I had 5 years to live, I would cash out of savings and do whatever the heck I want to do. One of those things would HAVE to be traveling. I would dance more too - take some classes. I would also take more photos. Not of other people like I do now. I would capture more of my experiences and take photos of people I meet and places I see. I would then compile them right before I passed to leave them for my family. I would explore more. My city and others have so many gems to be seen. A friend just texted me asking me for furniture spots in DC. I told her I do all my shopping online which is a shame because there are probably all sorts of cool places sprinkled around the city. Oh, I would also see a lot of live music. All kinds of music. I don't care what it is. Long story short, I would try to accomplish the feeling of freedom, love and peace. Real bohemian of me huh?

2. The difference is that one is short term and the other is long term.

3. What ultimately stands between me and happiness is this current dark, twisted, festering system and the imperfection that feeds it. Happiness looks like not having to grind for a human/corporation who can give two craps about me, having a family with mini-mes or opposite-of-mes (lol), dealing with people who just want to love and do for others all the time. But while I'm living in it, what stands between me and happiness is...hmm... I don't know. I feel like the right answer should be 'myself', but I'm not sure if I would be true to my feelings if I said that. I know it's probably true. I mean it always comes back to ourselves. But taking a step back, this question assumes that I'm not already happy. I'm happy given the circumstances of this world. 

Here's another deep question. What gives your life meaning? 

I just sent texted this out to a group. Hard question to answer. What say you?

Today's Thoughts

Artistic Thoughts
For the visual arts. Photography. Paining. Designing. Sometimes it's better to not have a plan, just go. Natural. Capture real life. Organic. Instinctual. Raw. No Fear. Attack. It's not always perfect and still looks beautiful. That's what sets the art apart.

Dog Thoughts
My dog is super attached to me. He's acting funny. I think I'm giving off a special chemistry.

New Life Thoughts
I love my life right now. What I fear most about having a baby if that ever were to happen is the massive extent to which my life will change. I don't want to lose anything I love in order to gain a child. "Just because you become a mother, it doesn't mean you lose who you are." I will stand by this philosophy if I'm ever in that situation. "You can have your child and still have fun and still be sexy and still have dreams..."

Novelty Thoughts
Novelty is good. It's great in regards to music and relationships. That's when your interest is at its highest. When the novelty wears off, so does your interest. The way to remedy that declining eventuality is to minimize your exposure. Take it a little at a time. Then your interest will last longer.

Personal Development Thoughts
If I had 4 walls, I have one more to tear down. I enjoy being all things. Mature, Fun, Intelligent, Down-to-earth, etc. But there's one more... That's the major difference between the old me and this me. I am so many things at once. Crawling into all secret facets of myself is revealing. Comfortable in my skin. It's peaceful being complex and diverse.

Bliss

At this very moment, I should be working. But something has been nagging at me that I must record. A lot of times, we tend to remember the bad and not the good. We gravitate towards drama and live in the past. We blog or write or talk to others when there is something wrong. So in an effort to break from this mold, I've decided to write about this wonderful and amazing sense of bliss that I feel right now.

Last night, my husband put together a closet for himself. I noticed that there were wrappers and instructions and cardboard pieces all over the floor so I went downstairs to get a trash bag and tidy up his space. While trashing all the trash, I joked to him about how I don't want to see not another piece of trash on the floor now that he has this trash bag. We laughed. A little bit later, I came back and he just so happened to be peeling the plastic off another part for the closet. I almost walked away, but then came back to peak around the corner to make sure he put the plastic in the trash and not on the floor. Out of an effort not to be policed, hubby laughed at me and chucked the plastic right on the floor. I don't know why this was so funny, but we both laughed so hard as I ran up to him to physically accost him. "You ain't going to stand there and police ME." Even after that episode was over, I caught myself still smiling and giggling in the next room.

I love experiences like that. My marriage is so divine at this moment.

Have you ever met a friend who expands your mind? Well hubby and I have. We are currently 'dating' a new couple who we both absolutely adore. I say dating because we are always out together at a restaurant tasting new foods, enjoying stimulating conversation and wearing our best attire. We have had such amazing conversation. They have introduced us to restaurants that blow my mind. Little lounges and bars that are tucked away. Next on the dating agenda is the ballet at the Kennedy Center and a weekend trip to NY. What I like about them most of all is the effect they have on my man. The ballet, frolicking around NY, going out on a weeknight...all activities my hubby did not enjoy are finally interesting to him. His mind is open and I'm loving it.

In general, without the effect the new couple, my husband is growing. He's maturing. He's becoming wise. He's enjoying life. He's enjoying me. He's no where near the man that I married. I'm falling in love with him all over again.

I did have an awkward moment with my sisters this weekend. My longest and closest friend turned sister and I have a strange relationship. We talked through it yesterday, but even within the weirdness and the possibility that an area of my life might not be perfect, my world is still so amazing. I believe the balance of other areas of my life are making me capable of handling anything right now. Having happiness I can cling to makes difficulty not so bad.

I've always wanted a life were my weeks don't blend it to the other. I've always wanted to be outside and to explore new sites and sounds. I've wanted a man in my life who is open minded, cultured, funny, interesting and loving. I've wanted to be involved in fiend relationships that are easy. I've always needed an element of peace.

I can say at this very moment, I have all of that. That's my definition of living. Thus, the quality of my life is amazing. And I must document this.  

2013 in Review

UPDATE: I FORGOT TWO IMPORTANT THINGS!

I feel like I need to write a post about my year in review, but I can't remember half of what happened in 2013. It's all a blur. One year simply fades into the next. But from looking at my 2013 calendar, here's what I could compile about the year.

Bought a new car.
My husband sold his condo from the bachelor days.
I did a handful of photo shoots and interior design consultations for friends.
Had a great district convention.
Went to a couple of concerts.
Formally recognized myself as a photography and design consultant.
Signed up for the Regional Building Committee.
Adopted the most adorable puppy.
Designed and built a closet in one of the spare rooms.
Had a relaxing family reunion vacation.
Built a wonderful relationship with a new couple.
Participated in a few beautiful photo shoots with hubby.
Witnessed the release of a new Bible translation!
Went to CT and NY with my family.
Got out of jury duty.
Did some territory assist field service.
Traveled to San Francisco for work.
Went on a cruise to the Bahamas.
Partied and had dinners and outings with all kinds of friends.
Ended the year in Alabama with my family (grandfather, grandmother and uncle included!).

I'd say I had a very fulfilling year. The highlight of it was being with friends in all different kinds of capacities (shows, concerts, anniversary parties, restaurants, gatherings at each others houses, etc.) and doing more for Jehovah while witnessing Jehovah doing so much for me. Serving in a territory that needs assistance and signing up to help build Kingdom Halls makes me feel happy. Being a part of a special program in which we are given a new Bible... there are no words to sum up how incredibly historic it was. I was so honored to witness that.

Next year, I look forward to continuing my friendships and having even more great dinners, outings, gatherings, etc. Becoming one with the new Bible that I received is imperative. I so badly want to show my appreciation for this gift, but have such a hard time doing daily Bible reading. So I want to try hard, very hard, to make it happen. I want to go back to sitting in the front of the Kingdom Hall so as to block out distractions. By maintaining my spiritual focus, I know I'll have an even better relationship with my husband than I did last year. Continuing to grow with him is exciting as well. My husband is my best friend and my boo, so doing everything with him is my desire while still allowing time separately. Speaking of 'separately', I need to figure out how to do something. On a daily basis during the week, I am either working or trying to recuperate from working. There's no in between and there's nothing else. Work, recupe, work, recupe. I feel like I don't have much personal happy time during the week. There's no reason why spontaneity and fun has to be restricted to the weekend. So that's what I want to try to do for myself. Find energizing, happy, fun, spontaneous moments during the week. Yeah, that sounds good.

If anyone is reading this, what have you learned about yourself in 2013 and where do you see 2014 taking you?

Do the Work

I have so much to say and so little time to say it in. Luckily, Jillly from Philly says it for me.

"You can hold me close, kiss me nice. Talk to me in the moonlight. You can take my hand. Be that strong man, you can. Hold me close. Make me feel so good. Talk to me in my ear. Tell me things that I need to hear...Come and give it to me soon, cause I need you. I can't take all of this without lovin. I'm tired of being strong all day. I need to get to know you in a familiar way. I can handle it all, but in the middle of the night, I need something right. I need you to get closer. Come a little bit closer boy. I need you to get closer to... Come and feel the fire with me. I need to feel the King in you. Let me see it soon."

I've been thinking a lot about the gift of singleness, in part because of a blog post that one of my sisters sent me about waiting for the right man. It was deep. I 100% agreed with everything that was said. There's no better time to explore who you are and to build a tough relationship with God than when you are single. No better time. Going into a marriage not knowing who you are is tough. It creates all kinds of problems later on. Going into a marriage with a strong spiritual relationship with God is tough. That too creates all sorts of problems.

As I go through these years of marriage, I am so happy that I took that time. I discerned, I researched, I discussed, I learned, I experienced hard lessons, I consulted, I prayed... I did a lot of work as a single person. I think my blog history can attest to that. Learning who you are is not easy. Forget about the fact that you still wonder if you accurately figured out who you are later on in life. Getting to a place where you are comfortable in your skin takes work. Let me say that again. Getting to a place where you are comfortable in your skin takes WORK. I mean real work people. You actually have to do something. For me, that involved a lot of reading and a lot of writing and a lot of decision-making. No, I will not be that person. No, I do not like that. Yes, I can own that character trait. Yes, this hobby definitely affects my personality for the better. Nope, another person's opinion can not alter how I feel about x. I really worked at planting my feet in soil, attaching my roots deep and growing from there.

Moving across the country was a blessing. Every single puppet string was detached when I made that move. I decided everything for myself. One of the most significant decisions was my decision to make a spiritual search. Proving the scriptures to myself, going against what the Bible recommended and learning the hard way that God's Word really has some truth to it helped me to draw closer to God. With the help of Jehovah, I studied my butt off and my conscious was trained. My social experiences also helped define my spirituality. As I partied all over LA, I learned what my Bible-trained conscious would allow me to do and what it wouldn't. I was actively putting my Bible studies to work (although not necessarily in a good way). I challenged everything I was learning and used my social life to do so. "Let me see if I can socialize with people who have not an inkling of spirituality about them, drink until 2am and still feel okay about myself the next day." lol. I did it. I did it all!

I say all that to say that yes lawd singleness is a gift. As I think back, everything experience was for a purpose. It was hard, but it was well worth it. And as I continue to grow in marriage, I look forward to looking back again and rounding up all the lessons and gaining insight into how marriage helped me spiritually and personally. So the work continues! I have a nice base, a great foundation, and now I have to keep building. Keep working. Keep reading, praying, writing, studying, consulting, researching... The hard work is well worth it. I promise you.

Do the work.

Discovering Joy

I had a creative orgasm this weekend. Yep. That's what I'm going to call it. While recuperating from a sinus cold on Saturday, I went from blog to website to blog to website discovering new designers, photographers and fashionistas who nearly made me loose my mind. I think I have an obsession with clean and crisp sites. There's something about them that draws me in and immediately impresses me. The site could be about doo doo. If it's clean and well organized and pretty, I'll read it. Anyway, I learned so much from browsing these sites.

I found a new 'Olivia Palermo' (my fashion icon) that I probably will steal outfit ideas from. I figured out where all these bloggers are getting their customized templates from. I happened upon some design ideas for my jacreative blog and I was introduced to a woman named Joy Deangdeelert Cho by way of Emily Henderson's blog (my designer icon). Emily just finished designing Joy's new studio space. You should take a look here. It's pretty cute.

Now Joy is an interesting woman. She is a mother and wife but more interestingly, she has her own design company called 'Oh Joy'. But I don't think it's fair to corner her into the box of 'designer'. This woman does A LOT. At her studio, she helps clients figure out their identity, packaging and more. She also creates products like stationary, fabric, baby clothing and wallpaper. I mean this woman has stuff in Target, Anthropologie AND Urban Outfitters. And then to top it off, she has a new branch of her company called 'Rx' in which she consults for and mentors small businesses/individuals on how to get their business off the ground, keep work/life balance, decide on next steps career wise, etc. I mean, hello?! Who does all of that?!

So you know of course she's a writer too. I bought both of these books.



"Creative, Inc." made me think of two of my 'sisters' who are new into the freelancing business world. "Blog, Inc." obviously piqued my interest because I'm a blogger. I skimmed through both books and as I did so, I found it funny how the key items she discussed like how to organize your blog and the importance of getting your site's link on other people's blogs had everything to do with how I found Joy and ultimately purchased not one, but two of her products. Smart cookie. But I think she's more than smart. She's helpful. I see that from 'Rx' and from these two books. There's no doubt that she's more than a designer. She's a philanthropist, a mentor and a… what's the best way to put this? A human being! And I can bet you $100 that that's what she wants her brand to represent. I got all of that from a blog, a website which housed her portfolio, a short youtube video and a book (or two). Sounds like a recipe for success to me.

To all my freelance readers and freelancers in the making, I think there's a lesson or two to learn here. Right?

Juice Fast

Hey peoples.

Hubby and I just finished a 3 day juice fast. What an experience! Who knew that 3 days could last so long!? Lol. It was very interesting to feel how devastated your body gets once it realizes that you are trying to clean it out. Day 2 was the worst for me. I had the worst headache that I've ever had. We learned through research that when you go through pains/headaches, it's because the toxins in your system are trying to escape your body. Hubby thinks my toxins are related to the amounts of salt that I take in. He's probably right since I eat a lot of Lean Cuisine tv dinners for lunch at work. They just happen to be on sale all the time at CVS! And I love the sweet and sour chicken one! Between Lean Cuisines, White Castle cheeseburgers and Digorno pizzas, I spend $20 on lunch for TWO WEEKS. I know I know...The savings do not make up for the fact that I have to do better. Hence I will.

The worst day for hubby was day 3 (yesterday). He had to leave work early because he had no more juice left at work and was getting a headache. If how he felt was anything like how I felt, there was no way he could sit there for 4 more hours and make it. Yesterday was great for me. I felt so clear and clean! I wasn't even hungry. My mind wanted food more so than my body did. Knowing that my fast was coming to an end, I couldn't mentally understand the difference between eating on Wednesday night as opposed to Thursday morning like I was supposed to do. Fasting is truly more of a mental exercise than it is a physical one. That mind is a strong organism man!

What we've learned is that we need to be more careful about what we put into our bodies...the salt, the caffeine, the sugar, the non-essential fat, etc. And since we did it together, we also grew closer. The feeling of making a huge life change together was uniting. I'm looking forward to incorporating juicing into our normal lifestyle (especially because we have nothing but shelves of veggies in our fridge now). Since we don't eat veggies like we should, the spinach/kale/lettuce juices we made will be essential to our diets going forward. I'm excited about this new healthy lifestyle we're embarking on. I'm more excited about the possibility of less ailments in my house. Hubby's headaches have GOT to go. If I were to do anything different, it would have been to continue our fast 2 days longer. I heard that the 4th and 5th days are amazing. The energy levels, the lack of ailments that you had before, the refreshing feeling... I'm interested to experience that and to see what it does for hubby since he gets sick so often. And perhaps we shouldn't have broken our fast with a slice of pizza. lol. The pizza wasn't even all that good either! Womp.

Anyway, I'm in a good mood, my body feels good and I'm excited about our progress. Let's pray we can keep this momentum going!

Defining Success

You know what? I had to take a moment and blog this. I'm having an aha moment. I've been doing some recreational reading lately and there are a bunch thoughts I've come across that are hitting me. This is one of them....

This is what I wanted. When I was praying and dreaming about a successful life, this is what I prayed for. So I'm glad to take the moment to reflect back on what I asked for and to see that I really do have exactly that. A good marriage, a beautiful house, an approved relationship with Jehovah, a comfortable financial standing and more. I know that I get so focused on what's not right and where I need to be that I don't appreciate the here and now. I'm sure that if the person I was 5 years ago was looking at me right now, she'd be happy. So here I am being happy for the here and now. I've worked hard to attain to my goals and have traveled on a wild journey to get here. A journey I don't regret... It was all worth it because I've created the life that I want for myself and couldn't be more proud.

Crazy Sexy Cool

"Wrong ring. Wrong guy" - Samantha

I'm watching Sex and the City while working from home today. I used to feel like that. If he proposed with the wrong ring, something that's so NOT you, then does he really know you? Now that I'm 2.5 years in, I can tell you that his taste in diamonds can be changed. That is the LEAST of your worries. The things you CAN'T change are the ones you need to worry about. Blatant things like his disrespect for women and his utter laziness or subtle things like his snoring at night and his sickening habit of farting when he pees. (lol. I had to laugh at that last one.) Well maybe those are things that can be changed with time, but YOU most certainly cannot change them nor should you try. That's what I'm learning in my marriage. I cannot change my husband. So lesson #492 is to let him be him. To do that, I have to do 1 of 2 things. Either ignore the things I can't change or become okay with whatever he's doing that I disapprove of. That leads me into a TLC-ism. Crazy Sexy Cool. If you have the album or have heard the album, you know what I'm talking about. That's my new motto. Crazy Sexy Cool.

Channel it J. Channel it.

10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew About Men

Interesting article, especially since I know all 10 are true of my husband. Stuff for me to ponder on. Thanks for sending Tiff.

http://www.ericrobersonmusic.com/2012/11/14/10-things-guys-wish-women-knew-about-men/

Peace

I'm going through something. My soul feels empty. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like I'm missing something.

I would like to sit in a Paris-like garden and learn how to paint. Or maybe climb a mountain in West Virginia and breath in the air as I sit and take in the fall colors. Or go kayaking with my dad down a river in Alabama. I want to go on an adventure. I want to clear my thoughts and my heart. Because right now, I'm struggling and irritated. Everything around me seems so silly and sad.

I have a thought... This didn't occur to me until just now (which is why writing is so therapeutic and great for me). I love my house, but I hate my surroundings. I feel like I live in the middle of trash. As soon as I get off my exit, my commute home is littered with boarded up apartments, females with bonnets and ill-looking outfits on, and dirty looking niggas playing in the middle of the street. There's a darkness and a sadness surrounding Congress Heights. I see no hope. No majesty. No calm and peace. So my house is my haven. My cheery, bright, airy, promising haven. The good thing about this experience is that I've learned my lesson. Even though my street may be nice, I need to take into consideration what I need to drive through to get there.

Contrast. That's what I need. A contrast to what I see every day. My soul needs to feel hope. And I feel there's no better way to get that than to be among Jehovah's natural creation. To sit and feel, experience and breathe in what paradise might be like. I need to be swept up in peace.

Who knows when that'll happen.





I'm sure this feeling was helped by the fact that there was a fight brewing between MJ and I on Saturday. Neither of us knew what it was and didn't care to figure it out.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Diane von Frustenburg, one of my favorite designers, said that to have a good relationship with oneself, you have to know what's good about yourself and what's bad about yourself. I think I'll use this exercise as my end of the year reflection.

The Good
smart
pretty
strong
mature
caring
nice
reasonable
creative

The Bad
I have too many voices in my head. One tells me one thing while the other says something completely different. I'm just plain ole' complex. If I didn't have a pen and paper or a keyboard and screen, I would become unstable.

I take to heart the smallest things. Everything bothers me when nothing should. Sensitivity is a blessing and a curse.

I am a world renowned self-examiner. I'm never satisfied with my current state. There's always something to fix. There's always something more. I can hardly name an accomplishment. There's never a it's-good-for-now moment.

The Ugly
pessimistic
lazy

Yep, that's me.

Goal for 2012: Stop thinking so hard. Stop being so inwardly dramatic. Fill my mind with good thoughts. Fill my pessimistic soul with fun.

Hard Times

Today is a better day. Even though the weather might not be that great, when my husband and I are back loving each other again, all is well with the universe.

It's funny how when you're single or dating, things seem so hard. Finding a mate that fits you can seem near impossible. But after you get married, nothing gets easier. What was once so hard, still remains hard. What I believe the biggest issue between men and women are our methods of communication. Men and women show love in totally different ways. What means 'I love you' to a man, means diddly squat to a woman and vice versa. My husband and I have very different ways of expressing love to each other. And while we both appreciate the guestures of the other, what our mate offers is not quite what we need. He feels wanted and loved when I cook him dinner and when I participate fully in sex. I feel wanted and loved when he takes the time to hug and comfort me when I'm down or when he stays wrapped up around me when we're laying on the couch together. The hard part comes in when I'm not 100% enthused about sex because I'm not getting the affection or when he's not naturally an affectionate guy so I'm not interested in sex. It actually feels worse than it just being hard, but the fact is that it will always be hard. Life in general is hard. But what we all have to remember is that our perspective on the issue makes all the difference. I already know I'm going to have good and bad times with my husband. At times we're going to miss each other on certain issues, but that's okay. The bottom line is that we love each other and ultimately want to see the other person happy. 'Work hard' is the name of the game. I'm okay with doing that as long as we 'Stay Together'.

Through The Fire

Things are really hard right now. I have these internal wars going on inside of me. One day I'm fine, and the next I'm laying down staring at the ceiling, praying that everything will eventually be okay. I feel like I'm being tested from every possible angle. Career, relationships, etc. There's some kind of fight going on in every important area of my life, but I'm going to keep my feet planted firmly. I'm not one to run away from challenges. I believe they make you a better person. They sharpen and refine you and make you stronger than you previously were. As long as I'm grounded and I follow what I know to be right, things will turn out alright. I have to trust that.

Faith

...do I have it? I'd like to say that I do, but there are times when I feel like a peg in the dirt that keeps getting pounded deeper into the ground. This job situation has sincerely got my head spinning and there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I go on interview after interview and just when I think there's something at the end of the fishing line, I come up empty. It's incredible how a person can try to live their life well or come out of school with an excellent education, and still yet feel like they're living at the bottom of the trash barrel. I'm trying to hold on, but I feel the widening crack in my spirit.

I keep praying that Jehovah help me to remember that I can trust in Him. Of course I know that to be a fact, but when my thoughts get to going... I don't know where this road is leading me, but I pray that I can hold on. I am just so tired.

Identity - Not 100% Anything

With my natural hair journey comes a lot of research. What products to use, the proper hair routine for bed, different protective styles for gaining length, how to prevent shrinkage on a wash and go, etc. With lots of research comes lots of images. Images of African-American and African beauties with large Africa earrings on, wooden bangles, head wraps and the such.

I have to admit, I'm falling in love with a part of me all over again that I was introduced to in my former days as an Essence of Africa program graduate. I love the eclectic nature and the boldness of what I'm seeing. So much so that I actually got the guts to wear a head wrap today. I haven't worn one since I graduated from Essence of Africa at the age of 13.

When I came home from the movies today with my head wrap on, my husband and I had a conversation about 'the look' that I was going with today. While he's okay with 'the look', he let me know that he doesn't want me to go all the way to the left and turn into a different woman than who he married. I'm actually not mad at that at all. I think it would be a shock if I started wearing head wraps, wooden earrings and African inspired clothing all the time. It was an interesting conversation in which I ended by saying that I'm not 100% anything. In fact, I am all about different styles. I love Hollywood glam. I love bohemian. I love Jackie O conservative. And I love the dark cutting edge Rihanna look just as much as the romantic girlie one. I need it all.

That leads me to say, it's amazing how much a hair style can dictate who we are. I've kinda talked about this in my previous 'going natural' blog, but it's interesting how naturalness automatically becomes associated with Afrocentric things. I know this doesn't have to be the case, but in all of the images I've seen over the past month, (and this bugs me a little) not often do I find a naturally curly African-American wearing a Jackie O or Audrey Hepburn style shift dress with pearls around her neck. And because of what I'm taking in, it's hard to think to match my curly bush with Michael Kors stilettos and diamonds studs. To be honest, it can be a challenge to take in these images and remember to stay true to who I am. But having the conversation with my husband made me remember that who I am is a little bit of everything.

When I take on a style, whether it be American sweetheart or hard core rocker, I like to go all in. Hair and everything. Since I don't know my naturally curly hair that well, transforming it to be what I need it to be is difficult right now. I feel like I'm ruled by my hair and not by my mood for the day. Hair is supposed to be an accessory and not who I am.

I say all this to say that hair and identity are two words that I'm fighting to keep separate during this phase in my life. But now that I've identified this issue, I'm sure I'll work it out. One thing is sure...it's the greatest thing to know who you are and own it. That's individuality at its best.

Here's a thought written by Moptop Maven... It applies perfectly.

"In a world that will seemingly forever pit curves vs. thin, light skin vs. dark skin, relaxed vs. natural, blondes vs. brunettes and black vs white; we must always hold on to our individuality. Staying true to our individual value system fosters a deeper sense of self-confidence that holds more weight than the praise received from trying to fit the mold. 

We must remain separate from thoughts of insecurity, inadequacy, and any fear we may experience; or else we risk the consequence of being consumed by these momentary feelings. We can separate ourselves from these feelings by developing a stronger "center" that always reflects our "true" selves, and remains undisturbed in the face of adversity. - Don't be afraid to be you. Let your love for yourself flow freely; let it feed your soul, let it carry you down the path of conscious freedom. 

To be content with your true self is to live in richness, truth and love. Whether you are dark skinned, light skinned, or completely lacking melanin; you were created in Divine Perfection."