Wednesday, July 22, 2009

How I'm Feeling

Ran-dumb Thoughts

There's nothing on my mind this morning.
I'm a blank slate.
Which I guess can be a good thing.
My congregation was in rare form last night.
Everyone was hilarious.
The meeting sure did turn my frowny face into a happy one.
Even when I got in the car to leave, all the right quiet storm songs graced my stereo system.
I pulled into the driveway singing Bobby Brown's Tenderoni at the top of my lungs.
Sometimes it's like that, ya know?
It was a release.
To close your eyes and enjoy a song to it's fullest is like an eclipse.
It doesn't happen all the time but when it does, you get goosebumps.
I saw a guy (possibly gay) driving through the garage two days ago, singing along with Janelle Monae with such gusto that you would have thought he was on stage.
It was entertaining.
I smiled as I watched his freedom.
I like watching people when they don't know you're looking.
You can experience someone in their purest form that way.
I should release more like that.
Fully enjoy myself no matter who's around.
Let other people see my joy.
Hopefully get them to smile with me, ya know?
I wonder how many people purposefully go out of their way to make another smile.
If everyone did that, we'd live in a better world.
My stomach is growling this morning.
I didn't bring lunch today like I did yesterday.
I'm trying to put $500 per paycheck on my AmEx.
My free spending days are over, which means I need free indulging entertainment.
Usually I'm excited about the weekend ahead.
This time I'm not for some reason.
I don't have to work or anything, and there's nothing big on my plate that would make me anxious.
I have a photography class.
Why I'm not razzle dazzled about that I don't know.
So what do I want to do this weekend then?
Enjoy nature.
"No need to remove your coat. No need to take off your shoes. Usually you can stay but not today, not today, no."
The Foreign Exchange is on point.
"Please don't be like that... Not today, not today, no... Nothing for me to say.... Nothing's been more true than these words to you...It's not like it was before... She can't keep me anymore.."
I'm so feeling that this morning.
I need to repeat this track.
There's a young chocolate man sitting in front of me with a yellow polo button up on.
I love dark men in pastels.
He looks so sharp with his button up, khakis, and brown shoes...
Hair cut way down.
iPod in his ears.
Newspaper in his hands.
He looks impressive.
But as I said to my mother yesterday, you never really know someone until you know them.
Everyone has an issue.
I need an evaluation.
Someone please tell me what's wrong with me.
I'm asking for my most disturbing flaws.
I asked what was wrong with me but didn't get an answer.
Everyone has an issue.
I said that already.
Maybe that's my problem.
I can't recognize my own faults.
I used to be able to.
That's because I used to have a lot of them. Lol.
I work so hard on becoming a better person.
Something I need to give more attention to though are the quiet thoughts I have.
You can see from these similar themed "thoughts" posts that I always have something running through my head.
I would like to make sure the negativity stays out of my head.
I would also like to stop sharing so many of my thoughts.
I talk too much.
I share too much.
I actually don't talk too much as I can be a private person, but when I do, I tell all of me.
I dish out my entire world.
A while ago I mentioned that my equilibrium feels off.
It still does.
I'm going to get it back.
There was a period, probably when I was in NY, where I felt 100% comfortable with myself.
I want that back.
I knew who I was while in NY.
The singlehood probably helped.
The Foreign Exchange's "Valediction" is still playing.
I just sat down at my desk at work.
I just sneezed twice.
If someone said bless you, I can't hear them.
There are only 2 people in my section here anyway.
I'm not ready to open up outlook.
I'm not ready to open up gmail.
My dad says that his daughters are so used to doing for themselves and are so strong that they don't know how to let a man be the lead.
I want a man to lead.
I'm tired of doing all the work.
I just don't know men who know how to lead.
My mom said that she can go out of town with my father and not know a thing.
Not a hotel name, flight information, directions, etc.
And she feels perfectly safe.
Taken care of.
I don't know what that feels like.
If anyone's gotta know something, it better be me.
I guess it's time.
The day needs to begin.
And today's mood is melancholy.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


1. Tell her “I love you”. 2. Hug him. 3. Kiss her. 4. Send flowers. 5. Hold hands. 6. Have deep, meaningful conversations. 7. Treat each other nice. 8. Smile at each other. 9. Write poems to each other. 10. Dance together. 11. Talk about your feelings. 12. Discuss problems. 13. Just be together. 14. Take him out. 15. Tell her “I don’t want to be with anyone else”. 16. Go to a drive-in. 17. Ask how she’s feeling. 18. Sort out disagreements. 9. Give each other a back rub. 20. Let him do your hair. 21. Put up with his friends. 22. Go to a concert together. 23. Give each other gifts. 24. Play pool together. 25. Observe the stars together. 26. Share some of the same hobbies. 27. Kiss him on the ear. 28. Whisper that I love him. 29. Be nice to each other. 30. Give a token from the heart. 31. Visit his mother. 32. Write love letters. 33. Call him just to say “hello” or “good night”. 34. Play footsie. 35. Blow her kisses. 36. Give her a ring. 37. Take her someplace meaningful or special. 38. Have a romantic picnic in the park. 39. Show my affection. 40. Talk about the reasons for our decision to wait to have sex. 41. Buy him nice things. 42. Go swimming together. 43. Go hiking together. 44. Be her best friend. 45. Sit and talk for a long time. 46. Be close. 47. Share thoughts. 48. Kiss her neck. 49. Sing her a song. 50. Do the things you used to do. 51. Ask to be with her more. 52. Build a stronger relationship. 53. Do her housework. 54. Communicate. 55. Tell her you care. 56. Caress each other. 57. Stick up for him if he gets in trouble. 58. Be sensitive. 59. Tell her I’ll always be there for her. 60. Listen. 61. Go out of the way for each other. 62. Go camping. 63. Tell her I appreciate how she treats me. 64. Respect each other. 65. Buy him something sentimental. 66. Carry her books home from school. 67. Never let him go. 68. Take a walk together. 69. Go to a party. 70. Cook for each other. 71. Just touch each other. 72. Leave a little love note in his pocket. 73. Dedicate our favorite song on the radio. 74. Speak the language of love – French – to him. 75. Tell her the longer you wait, the better it will be. 76. Arrange a date where we first met. 77. Watch him compete in a sporting event. 78. Spend the day at a carnival. 79. Eat at a romantic restaurant with elegant music and a dance floor . 80. Do homework together. 81. Slip a note into her notebook. 82. Treat her like a queen. 83. Pay attention to her likes and dislikes. 84. Make sure he’s comfortable. 85. Send him a card. 86. Draw a heart on a tree and put both names in the middle. 87. Call her every night. 88. Hold each other close. 89. Trust him. 90. Support each other. 91. Go for a drive. 92. Take him skiing. 93. Sit really close while watching a movie. 94. Make him a present. 95. Take care of him when he’s sick. 96. Carry pictures of each other. 97. Cuddle. 98. Go to a sports event together. 99. Watch a sunset together. 100. Be faithful. 101. Share secrets.

REMEMBER: The safest sex is NO sex; if you do have sex, always use a condom correctly as protection from sexually transmitted diseases

Monday, July 20, 2009

Mid-Year Reflections

Can you believe half of the year is already over? I did a search for goals in my inbox and came across the post I did regarding 2008 year end reflections. click here. I'm in the middle of putting together some goals for the next month and I couldn't but help to re-read this post and think about what I was looking forward to in 2009. Pointedly, that was "Move. Buy. Get spiritual. Get creative. Love." Being that we are seven months into 2009, it might be a good time to see how I'm coming along with those goals.
Move. This part is done. I really enjoy being back in Maryland. There is no place like home. Being older and wiser, I've come to enjoy being back at home with my parents. They are truly nice and fun people. Home is also serving as a safeguard for me at a time when being on my own may not be the best move. I need to avoid compromising situations at all costs right now. Living at home can assist in that regard. That appropriately leads me into the second goal. Buy. I'm not sure what to do about that yet. I've mulled over it a couple of times and a clear answer still has not yet come to me considering my current situation and potential future.

Get spiritual. I've grown more in the last seven months than I expected. The brothers and sisters in my congregation have been praising me for my maturity and advancement lately. It's a very good feeling and I'm interested in keeping that going.

Get creative. Eh. This comes in spurts. The last creative thing I did was a random photography shoot at Kace's Black Alley band rehearsal. That was a lot of fun, but I wonder how long it's going to take me to do something fun like that again. I'm surely not consistent when it comes to being creative. I have pledged to start writing more though, and that's been going well. I need more creative writing ideas though. Perhaps I'll write a story. Which reminds me. I need to buy a new journal.

Love. I've become really pensive about this subject. Especially when it comes to romantic love. Agape love, familial love and loving myself have come very easy lately. This undoubtedly ties to the amount of spiritual progress I've made. I'm looking forward to romantic love but it's not something I'm rushing into. There's so much to come and I'm just riding the wave.

So here's to mid year goals.

1. Create a study schedule to allow for the review of deeper things. I don't want to leave all my studying for the train. I will devise a schedule before the month is out.
2. Continue doing what I'm doing well - preparing for and attending meetings, commenting at least once, and prayer.
3. Become more effective in the ministry. This is the hardest one for me. I'll need a lot of prayer for this one.

Health and Exercise
1. Use the Wii 2x - 3x per week. My problem areas, just like all other beautiful sistas out there, are my butt and thighs. I need to tone this jelly.
2. Eat one balanced meal a day. Trying for more would be unpractical for me. =/
3. I weigh 134lbs right now. I would like to gain a few but stay under 140.

1. Continue to be a good daughter and friend.
2. Have fun while maintaining my integrity. I don't have the time to get in trouble because of what my flesh wants to do. I've worked too hard to get where I am now. If I can just hold out...
3. Proverbs 31: 10-31 - Quietly build up these qualities within myself in order to be someone who adds to the relationship.

1. A new goal - I want to enjoy nature more. Since I love the air and sky so much, I would love to be at one with it more. If that means lying on my back in an open field of grass while the wind blows over me, that's what I'll do.
2. Be spontaneous - I feel like my life is too rigid and very structured. Everything is denoted by the time of the day. Time for recreation, time for family, time for spiritual things... I don't like this. I want to blend all of this together for a seamless life instead of having divisions and blocks of 'have to do's'.
3. Dabble in writing and photography at my own pace.

Career and Money
1. Get into a new job. Not really interested in a worldly career.
2. Have my credit card and car paid before Septemeber '10.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Intricacies of Dating

As I begin to get back out here and date, I'm coming into a realization that dating has phases. The first phase - the oooooh-i-think-i really-like-this person-phase - is cool, but it doesn't last for very long. Once the novelty has worn off, and you take the rose colored glasses off, you begin phase two where you start to learn a lot about a person. In particular, what you like about them and what you don't. If you're contemplating whether you could potentially marry this person, you start to tilt your head sideways and imagine if you could put up with their stubborness, laziness, insecurities, emotional issues, and baggage for the rest of your life. You might perhaps make a list of their good qualities and bad to see if the totality of the good can outweigh the bad. And if you decide to pursue a relationship with a person regardless of their less desirable traits, you begin phase three. I'm not anywhere close to phase three so it's a little difficult to recall what this involves, but if I remember correctly, phase three is where you be together. And I really mean just be. Simply put. All the while up to and through this point, you're still learning each other, but you pretty much know at this point who this person is and you 'be together' making memories and gaining experiences. Good ones and tough. Basically, you grow into each other becoming more familiar than you might care to. =) Hopefully after that, come marriage. I'm sure there's a whole new set of phases to consider there, so I'll keep you posted when I learn what they are.

I feel like I'm learning to date all over again. Actually, that's not true. I'm lying. I know how to date. As I begin to go through it however, I'm remembering how to date all over again. There are certain instances that pop up and from past experiences I can say 'no, don't do this' or 'this is how you handle this'. I seriously feel like I'm reaching back in my memory and applying the information to my present situation. I think the bullet point I'm recalling the most is when to shutup and when to speak up. Also, when it's best to give someone room and when it's okay to be together. Oh and one more thing. I'm also remembering how to let someone be who they are. But about that shutup and speaking up thing... I think I'm honest to a fault sometimes. I feel like when two people are getting to know each other, they should be completely open and tell everything. But that's not true. Everyone doesn't need to know everything because in most cases, timing is everything. I have to fight against my natural tendencies to tell everything though. The reason why I do it is so that I can give someone the opportunity up front to decide if they can handle me or not. (And yes I admit that I am a lot to handle.) I'm a hit it and quit it type of girl and I don't like bad surprises. If I could walk around with a sign that tells everything about me so others can see without having to open up my mouth, I would. Giving full disclosure is important to me. However, there is no fun or ease about telling everything upfront. It's also very blunt and lacks any type of charm. I know that patience is a virtue. Even though I don't like to waste time, there exists a certain amount of energy you have to invest in a person if you wish to get the desired results. You have to take the risk.

That's what dating is. Risky business. Among all the joys that comes with having a mate, it's the best when you find out all the not so good things though. That's when the good stuff really begins and the tests arise. That's when you can finally calculate your risk and deduce whether the returns are profitable enough. And if they are, hold on to your hats! Because you will then begin the ride of your life.

Our Family Study

My family and I just had a really great family study. The three of us started out by considering an article that my mother wanted to look at on how husbands should imitate Christ. We studied the same typical information until we got to a section about remembering that your wife is also your sister in Christ. Often, husbands who have responsibilities in the congregation overlook the fact that their wife is also one of their dear congregation sisters. The love and compassion shown to other sisters in the congregation can often be lost on wifes. I could tell that my dad was meditating hard on that concept. So it was a subject that wasn't lost on the family. My dad told us about a meeting the ministerial servants and elders had with one of the overseers. In it, the overseer asked them if they knew what the Bible verses about buying out the opportune time referred to. Most of the answers were geared to making sure you buy out the opportune time for the ministry. But as you would expect, they were wrong. The overseer made a very good point that day by telling them that there are more important things than just the ministry. While field service is important, your family and health are even more important. Your wife's well-being is more important than the part you have on the theocratic ministry school. Your son or daughter's big school event is more important than the number of hours you get to spend teaching another about God's will. Your sanity and health is far more important that any service that you can be giving to Jehovah. Because in the end, if you do not take care of yourself and your family, then you have not taken care of your responsibilities and therefore have not followed the counsel of our Father. I thought that was pretty deep, especially because many people neglect other facets of their life in efforts to serve Jehovah more fully. But Jehovah needs your full, healthy and sound self. Not a deprived self.

Then we got into whether or not a couple can ever be prepared for marriage. There were a set of questions that we read in our study at the meeting today... 'Why do I want to get married? What expectations do I have? Is this the right person for me? What can I bring to a marriage?' So my mother asked, "even if you answer these questions and spit out a couple of scriptural verses for support and reference, does that mean you are prepared? Can you EVER be prepared?" I responded that I think there's a yes and no answer to that question. The information that we studied along with those questions is about maturity. If one is truly mature and does not simply answer those questions with programmed verses in mind, you can really figure out whether you are ready for marriage or not. Being a mature Christian, you can prepare yourself as much as possible by devising a plan for the happy and the non so happy times. You can figure out what you're going to do when you and your mate are under hardship. What scriptures you may look to, what mature married persons you might talk to, and what you will NOT do no matter how difficult the situation is. With maturity, you can lay a foundation to be prepared. What you will not be prepared for however are the day to day happenings of marriage. I'm sure everyone who is married will say that they were not prepared for what they've been through. But when those little bullets come flying towards you, your shield is ready. Your foundation has already been laid. It's then up to the two mature Christians who have joined together in marriage to apply that foundation that the two of them laid together before uniting.

Like I said, we had a really good family study today. I wish more could have shared in it with us, but it was probably meant for just us three. I got a lot out of it, in addition to the fact that the closer I get to marriage, the more nervous I become. It's not all glorious and wonderful as many portray. I've known that for years, but it's really hitting me. Hard this time.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Ran-dumb Thoughts

What a Saturday.
I haven't been this relaxed in a very long time.
From the hot stone massage to laying out (and swimming) at pool to falling asleep at 8pm with a movie...
This is the kind of weekend that I rarely see.
I'm thinking about going to see Black Alley tomorrow, but I like the thought of going nowhere.
I'm trying to keep my blog as censor-less as possible.
Void of any type of attempt.
But it's hard.
Hard not to write for the people who might be reading.
But this blog is for myself.
I have to remember that.
I haven't really been writing as I should.
Perhaps that's why I'm out of practice.
I'll get back into it though.
It's my goal.
I bought 6 pairs of shoes within a 2 week time frame.
No wonder I was in need of a paycheck.
But in my defense, 3 pairs were sandals which were only $29.
The tennis shoes were rare finds.
And my last pair of shoes are heels from heaven.
Those are staying in the box, unworn until the perfect occasion.
I'm looking forward to the convention.
Everyone who has gone tells me to bring my tissues.
How powerful is this thing going to be?
I'm so ready for it.
I need to refocus my energies anyway so this is coming at a great time.
My shoulders hurt slightly.
I think it was that massage.
My back is pain free though.
That woman worked me out for a full 75 minutes.
Everytime I thought my session was over, she repeated the segment.
Those hot stones are something else.
I just stopped typing for a second and had a million thoughts run through my head.
The exact thoughts that I'm supposed to be typing.
That's the whole point of ran-dum thoughts.
I'm supposed to pen whatever pops up in my head without stopping.
It's the sure fire way to capture everything you're thinking no matter whether it's stupid or not.
Hence the name 'ran-dumb'.
But here I am, not being true to the nature of the post.
I have to work on this.
I'm way out of practice.
I'm sorta happy that it's night time.
That means the day is coming to a close, and I get to experience the joys of another day off from work.
Even though it's Sunday and Monday is lurking, I'm happy to have no plans other than my 9am service.
I think I want to talk more about spiritual things on this blog as well.
Drop a spiritual gem every now and then.
Keep me fresh and in tune.
And keep Godly things in mind.
Plus if someone reads it, and gets something from it, that's an added bonus.
I like writing, so it's the perfect avenue.
My antique chest is starting to get crowded again.
I just cleaned my room yesterday and I already have stuff on top of it again.
I'm tired.
I could just close my eyes and breathe right now.
But I'm not done.
Let me write some more.
My sis and her bf are downstairs watching a movie.
They were supposed to come and get "The International" from me a while ago.
I guess they don't need it anymore.
I have some studying to do.
I need to get that taken care of tomorrow I guess.
This year has truly been the turn around year for me.
From January I believe, I've never studied so much in my life.
And 7 months later, I'm still just as intesified.
I wonder when my slacking time will come.
I know it happens in waves.
Sometimes you're really on, and other times you're really tired.
I wonder when it'll hit.
The faster it hits, the quicker I can get over it.
I was going to say something about my ministry.
But I'd rather not.
All I can say is that I want to progress more.
Become more effective.
I think I'm going to wear my hair naturally curly for a week or so.
Give it a break from all the heat.
Let it do it's thang for a while.
My hairdresser also cut the nape of my neck really low so I'ma give it a week to grow 2 centimeters.
That way I can actually grab it when I press it.
The shorter my hair is, the more injury my little fingers suffer.
I need to change my sheets.
I want brand new clean sheets to sleep in.
Clean sheets make all the difference in the world.
There's nothing like them after a shower.
To slide under the clean covers with a clean body.
All this talk about sliding under the covers is making me sleepy.
Good night folks.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Take Back My Life Plan

The following seven items will help me to build my defenses against the catastrophic war I am in against my evil job. I'm taking it back to the bunker to regroup before busting out like GI Jane again. THEY WILL NOT TAKE ME DOWN! Hoora!

Exercise - 3x/week from 6am - 6:30am Strengthen my muscles to help alleviate my back pain.

Food - Eat a piece of fruit a day. Aim for at least one blanced meal a day with plenty of vegetables.

Sleep - Get at least 7 hours of sleep every night, which means I must be in the bed no later than 11pm.

Vitamens - I can't stand popping gigantic horse pills as I feel like one day I may die choking, but make it my aim to at least get a reasonable amount of B complex vitamens in me during the week.

Spirituality - Maintain my regular routinue (meetings, Bible reading, prayer) in addition to 1 session of the "deeper things" per week. Get back to working on my monthly fruit of the spirit and making at least the national average in the ministry.

Liesure and Recreation - Take the time to insert one thing that I enjoy into my schedule every work day like reading a blog, writing a blog, catching up with a friend, doing something nice for someone, attending an after work affair, etc.

BREATHE - In an effort to minimize these new anxiety attacks I've been having at work, I would like to practice some breathing techniques I've gotten wind of.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


I walked in the house with a bad attitude yesterday. One of those teenage attitudes where you groan and pout as soon as your parents have the audacity to ask you to come here. I was insanely exhausted when I got home but was hungry enough to scavenger the refrigerator for food. While I did yell a 'hello' when I walked in the house, I was doing all I could to be quiet so as not to call the attention of my parents. All I wanted to do was put something in my stomach and then fall out. dad called me. The attitude came out of the depths. My mom asked me what was wrong and I snapped back that I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. On my way to sleep, I felt bad. I haven't had an attitude like that in years. At 26 years of age, you're no longer allowed to have those.

My mojo is gone. All the soundness that I once had is on empty. And I do feel like I could be going temporarily insane. Nothing gargantuan has happened to lead me to this conclusion, but I'm pretty sure my diagnosis is correct. All the little things in life that I usually have together feel out of place. Now...I'm going to list some of these things. They may seem small to you but remember, I'm a woman. Nothing is too small to notice. For one, my nails are a mess. Granted, I have clear polish on so no one can tell without a microscopic stare, but the uneveness of my right thumb and pointer finger nails are driving me crazy. Ladies, you know that once your nail is jagged, it gets caught on e-ve-ry-thing. Threads in your clothes, scrapes on your skin, etc. If I mark my body one more time on this stupid nail, I'm going to scream. And THEN, can you believe I'm walking around with a crack in my white toe nail polish on my big toe? [insert movie shreaking shrill here] Blasphemy! It's summer time. If anything has to be on point, it must be the toes. might ask, 'well jac. why don't you just get your nails done?' [insert blank stare here] That's a very good question that I can't seem to answer. Temporary insanity I tell ya. In my defense, I can tell you that I have no time, nor can I find my nail files. My room is in post tornado form. But yet, every night, I push things to the side and leave it for another day. I lost the caps to my lenses. I've been meaning to write down the specifications of my lenses so I can order new ones, but yet, it hasn't been done. Remember all that paperwork that I was supposed to take care of? I can't even tell you which one of my bags those papers are in. The U.S. Department of Commerce has requested that I fill out this 82 question survery that is overdue. I believe I got a second notification last week, but I haven't really gotten to the stack of mail that's sitting on the trunk in my room. Did you know that I hate unpacking? Hence the suitcase full of clothes that I took with me to New Orleans is still sitting there - in my sister's room though, because there's no room in mind. I need to get my center dash unit replaced in my car. I sorely want it fixed, but of course that hasn't been done either. Not to mention that Missy needs a thorough detail. In an effort to get my mind right this morning, I rode to the metro in silence. I was making a left hand turn out of my development when I heard a noise like a pebble rolling and then hitting a wall. I made another left and heard it again. After the next right I wanted to scream, but instead I just silently mouthed "Oh, come on!"

There are more things I could enumerate but the issue isn't about the things. One good or two good slow weekends will do wonders for me. It's about what's happening to me to make me feel so dag on ineffective. I'm completely out of wack. I'm Defective! Mentally (insanity), physically (my back is killing me all the time now), and emotionally (the attitude). I thought that maybe I was partaking of too much leisure time, but then I began to re-think that. I work my butt off. If I can't have a couple of hours on Saturday and a concert on Sunday, then I don't know what I'm going to do. I actually need a break in my week. After three days of tearing my hair out, I have to have a pardon in order to make it through the last two days. What I'm really concerned about though is my back. I'm having a hard time finding comfortable ways to sit at my desk and on the train. When I'm on the train, I get the most comfort by sitting diagonally or taking up two seats, so whenever someone wants to sit by me, I get irritated. Lol. Do you see the cycle that I'm in?! I need a spa appointment for a deep tissue massage asap. I think that'll give me some temporary relief as my instinct is telling me that it's all stress.

I've been unable to write. I haven't seen SYTYCD for the last past two weeks. I'm paying for a Netflix service that I haven't been able to use. I missed service and my Bible study. And now I'm defective.

How can I simplify? Jehovah is a God of order, and so am I. Well, I'm not a god, as apparent as that is right now, but I'm a woman who needs order. This disarray that I'm in will hurt me and my relationships if I don't fix it fast. I'm not trying to have attitudes or miss out on things because of turmoil. Due to outside forces, I'm not going to be able to make any immediate changes in my circumstances. So for now, I have to find a way. My first reaction is to just figure it all out. Alone. But I know that.... mmmm... I don't know... See! I can't even bring myself to say that I can't do it all alone. I feel like all I need to do is to write out a schedule and make it happen. But the sense in me tells me that I should ask for assistance. But assistance doing what? I don't even know where to begin. Assistance in cleaning my room? Come on. No one knows where my stuff goes but me. So how do I manage? Because right now, it's all about managing with what I have. And how long will it take me to become sound again? Because I kinda need this to happen right away. Or else, I will give up. And that's unacceptable.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Cue Kelis - I Like You

Like You - Kelis

"I don't just like you/ I like you like you"

It's been a long time people! How ya been? Me? I'm hanging in there. Work is a serious drag, but overall, life is good. I still have a smile on my face. Wanna know why?!!! Well I'm going to tell you why. I can attribute much of this cute and endearing smile to a new growing interest in my life. And no, thew new growing interest is not photography, writing, a new pottery class, pet grooming, the new travel interest group, the insect collectors team, or whatever I've managed to fill my life with since I decided to become the busiest woman in the world. It's finally a man! Yep!A real and actual human being! Go figure! It's super new but I'm having a LOT of fun. I didn't expect to be 'Caught Up' as Usher puts it, but I really like this feeling. Aren't beginnings always so beautiful? <3 I think what I find so unique about this new growing interest of mine is that it's so convenient. I've never really known what it's like to date someone who has the same plans as I. Location wise that is. Well, in every area actually, but location wise sticks out to me the most because I've always dated people who were not from my city. There's no threat of someone moving or any worry about who's going to make the biggest compromise or change their life the most. There are no 'huge' issues to work out. It's simple. Simplicity at it's best in fact. We even live right down the street from one another. And anyone who knows me knows that I've NEVER had that before. We ride the same train to work, go to the same place of worship and can easily bump into each other whenever we want. How nice! I can literally see him every single day if I choose. No schedule issues, no meet-me-at-this-central-place-between-the-minutes-of-5:15pm-and-5:22pm-on-Tuesday-the-10th-or-I-have-to-run-to-my-next-encounter-and-won't-be-able-to-see-until-the-weekend. No more sucky situations! I like it a lot. I've seen him every single day for the past 7 days. And these have been ordinary, non-vacation days too. I've never done that before with anyone I've dated. Now I'm not this crazy, keep-my-eye-on-you, wanna-be-stuck-under-you-every-day type of girl either. So don't get me wrong. He wants to see me just as much, if not more than I want to see him. It's actually pretty crazy how this is all going down. Within the last 7 days, we've probably gone from a level 2 to a level 6. I'm a lot more comfortable around him now. The comfort level isn't to the point yet where I don't mind him seeing me at my worst, but it's getting there! My feeling and looking like a hot mess times will come soon I'm sure. The man is so incredibly sweet it's fantastic. Guess what he said to me today. We were talking about a particular subject and I asked him was there anything else he wanted to know/say. He said, "nothing more other than just letting you know that ur everything i could ever ask for." Now let's just pause on that for a second and let it marinate. Every time I re-read that, I get all warm and fuzzy inside. Hooray for the warm and fuzzies! I love getting to know this guy. He's so vivid and happy all of the time. It could be that he's gung ho for me, but nevertheless, he keeps me upbeat when I could be otherwise. Work is really hard for me, so his energy is priceless right now. It helps to cancel out all the crap I go through at this place. I'm a serious woman so his youthfulness is also right on time for me. Two serious people don't really fit well together as I've learned. He's goofy too, which I thought I would get sick of, but it's balanced well with his drive, determination and spiritual side. He's also not as much of a square as I thought he was. There are some things that he needs to reel back more than me! It all goes to show just how much you don't know people when you're looking at them from the surface. That's the mistake I made when he was nothing more than just the corny guy who smiles at me all the time. I could easily tell how deep he was, but I was sure he didn't have an ounce of relaxation in him. After he pronounced his undying love for me... ok not really... he forced me to open my eyes. I'm glad he told me how he felt about me. It was after that day that I began to see him. Now what I see is nothing but a tall, dark and handsome chocolate bar especially churned, milked, and packaged just for me. The j.a.c. special. I know that Jehovah made this man for me. I'm looking forward to growing with him. It's interesting that now that an actual real future with him can be imminent, I'm nervous about it. All that husband and children talk that I used to spit all the time... yeah. It doesn't even touch my lips anymore. Remember how I said that I feel like I was put on this earth to be a wife and a mother? Well now I wonder whether I'll be a good wife or not and whether my body can handle having babies. Lol. One area that I worry about in particular is this cooking thing. I am soooooooooooo not a food person. He, on the other hand, is eating every 2 hours. Talk about greedy! I've never had to burn like that because the only person's stomach I've ever had to take care of is my own. My own tiny fist-sized stomach. But I guess if I decide that I love the man, my love for him will propel me to taking care of his stomach as well. But you best believe that he's going to have to burn as well! If he wants ALLL of this food, he's going to have to help himself more times than he realizes. Boy am I glad he's lived on his own for a while. He's learned to cook his own meals, which will come in handy if I marry him. And yes, we have talked about marriage. Neither one of us is trying to learn each other for no reason. I'm not some body's boo. I'm some one's future wife. We're not playing games. If we're not looking towards marriage than I don't know what we'd be doing. He says he sees me as his wife and can't wait to wear a big chain around his neck that says JAC's HUSBAND, so all is said and done. The only thing we have to do is fall (or walk) in love. You think that's backwards huh? Well not to me. If the foundation is there... the chemistry, the qualities, the goals, the values... then we can build on everything else within time. Love will come. It always does. It's inevitable. Especially considering how much time we spend with one another. And I already know who's going to say it first once we get there. =) But that's pretty important to me. Saying it only when you know that you know that you know that you know. Once you admit that you love someone, the floodgates are doubly open. But I believe that this is about to be one heck of a roller coaster. I'm excited for it. And I'm going to soak it all in. This beginning part is so lovely, as beginnings are, so I'm treasuring each moment of it. I'll keep you posted ladies and gentleman, but this one just might be the one!
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