A Story

I had a dream the other night. A good one. One of those dreams I didn't want to wake up from. I tried to force myself back into the dream but it didn't work. So I went over the parts that I could remember over and over again in my mind. I didn't want to forget. Here's how it started.

"I signed the divorce papers." 
When he said that, her movements came to a halt and her heart dropped into her stomach. She filed for divorce over 6 months ago. Three months ago, they became friends again. 
"Oh," was all she could manage to say. He continued to place the groceries on the conveyor belt. Her best friend who was behind her and in tune to every shock of panic that radiated from her body, grabbed for her hand and squeezed it. Her soon-to-be ex husband never looked up.

Maybe I'll exercise my brain and finish it one day.

The Glow

It's amazing how different my blog is now. When I first started blogging 6 years ago (it's been SIX years!!! WOW), I wrote a lot of emotional melodramatic lyrics and poems about my confused, little life. (It's funny how I can say that now.) I talked a lot about finding myself, making friends, my love affair with music and of course, men. No doubt, I was obsessed with the process to finding a husband. If I can categorize the first 5 years of this blog, I would say I was in a hunter green kind of search mode. (I have colors on the brain so please excuse the analogy.) I was confused, I was figuring things out and I was finding myself.

The past year and a half of blogging time has been more so dedicated to the things I now either love or am looking forward to. Marriage, interior design, parenting, inspiration, fashion, etc. I'm in a much more turquoise state of light if you will. A bright but inquisitive space. It's quite refreshing.

And refreshed is exactly what I felt when I happened upon The Glow - a site dedicated to fashionable and inspiring moms. Photographers, designers, painters, pr consultants...Even though I'm not a mother, I feel so connected to the images and the idea behind the site. It makes me dream and inspires me. There's so much that I could say because there's a lot of feeling inside of me right now, but the words won't match... So I'll let the images just tell it for me.

I love that these are the things I blog about now. It makes a huge difference towards my level of joy.

If I Had Another Life

Something has taken over me recently. I don't know if it's the surge of Beyoncetricity in the atmosphere or what, but I have this feeling. It's almost like the beast has been awakened and I can't cage it. Recently, I had the opportunity to perform to "Run The World" with a group of girls and the feeling I got from being on stage dancing my heart out was incredible. If I had another life and thought that glitter, money, fame and notoriety was the definition of success, that's what I would aim for. My passion for performance is unwavering. There's a little ball of burning fire inside of me that I keep tamed by focusing on the real life to come. I must admit, if I didn't know Jesus, I'd make my way into dark, sexy burlesque clubs, renowned pop videos and world tour stages to make my mark on the earth. Taming the beast hurts, but I have to remember what's more important. And it certainly isn't temporary shine. Ooh but it hurts.

Re-Post: Sheer Dreams and Desires

"Hey. You know what? Something just clicked. I don’t know a lot of things right now. I’m in the middle of some very hard decisions making this one of the hardest periods in my 24 years on earth. But what I do know is that I want to be somewhere far. I want to sit by the fountains in Paris and people watch. I want to feast my eyes on the architecture of Rome. I want to dance in the Venice sun. I just want to go away and listen to couples speak in their native tongue. I want to admire them. Experience them. I want to wander through cobblestone markets and buy a single peach that’s been kissed by the Roman sun. I want to wear a scarf around my neck and pin my hair up in a bun… Yeah. That’s what I want. If I could have anything I wanted, I’d quit today and be on a plane to Europe tomorrow. But that’s only if I could have anything I wanted… Sheer dreams and desires."

I wrote this two years ago and still feel the same way. I need a life pick me up. The routinue is just starting to get to me, and I know all too well how that feeling can overwhelm. I need a sporadic, spontaneous intervention. Let's go stay in a cottage rental in Massachusetts people. Or walk down the coast of Malibu with the sun on our faces. Let's lay in a field of daisies down in the country and watch the bees circle our heads. I'm serious! I wanna go! Just take me somewhere!!! Anywhere! Just get me out of here!

The Road To Success

I need to stop in my tracks for a second and look around me. I don't want this moment to pass me by without giving it some time. It deserves ample recognition.

Things are really happening for me. I am at a point in my path in which I can say 'this is the beginning of your dreams J'. I'm working my butt off for a slice of the pie - a slice I actually have no business asking for. But without a name and experience, I'm fortunate and extremely busy doing what I'm meant to do. And that equivocally means that I'm happy doing what I want to do.
This weekend's fashion shoot went extremelly well. I even dropped and damaged a lens, but nothing could prevent me from experiencing the high of a paying photography gig. I have an article due on Saturday that I have not yet begun. I have no anxiety, however. I'm looking forward to weaving my thoughts together for the next couple of days. I've climbed on board with another writing endeavor which will have me submitting work every single week. Challenging? I'm not sure yet. As often as I blog, I should be able to commit to a schedule. This is not the time for laziness. Portfolio work is next. I need a temporary online situation and a few soft copy prints in a presentable package. After that, education. Class class class. Talent will only take you so far. You need the knowledge to back it up.

I'm excited about the future. I have a lot of work to do - happy, good, fullfilling work.

Just Like In The Movies

“Life is not like it is in the movies.” That’s a fact that really sucks for me because I wish it were. But I found an idea that works for me and may even be true! Life can be a string of memorable and unforgettable moments. Those are the things to notice. Luckily for me, since I see everything through rose-colored glasses, I notice these moments very easily. Watching a movie I love can be an unforgettable moment for me. Whatever makes me look back and smile. Whatever inspires me is what makes for an unforgettable moment. I’ve had a plethora of them in the last 5 years of my life, some of which I pointed out in the preceding post. But lately, during this time where I’ve had the freedom to look around and be in the moment, I’ve been showered with them. Cooking a new shrimp scampi recipe with a friend, bonding over sangria and margaritas with my sister, having a special phone call with JennWill that just so happens to be right on time, walking through an assembly hall with my mother while discussing paintings of Bible stories, reading identical newspapers in silence with my friend on the C train… I feel like I need to write them all down so that I’ll never forget them. I don’t want to go through a bad spot in life and not be able to recall moments that made me happy; moments that are unforgettable.

Where is all of this coming from you might ask. A movie of course! Lol. “Only You” starring Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. While watching it, I remembered that I’ve seen it before, but it was a good thing that I bumped into the movie because it reminded me to put it on my favorites list. The first line of this blog comes from “Only You”. It’s a movie about destiny, fate and dreams. While I believe you create your own destiny, I do believe in dreams. My dreams told me not to get married. Hmph! Go figure. The movie is playing again in the background. Giovanni just said this: “In America, you live for work. You stop for nothing. But in Italy, we care for food, for pleasure, for love.” Oh man! I have to get to Italy! Tuscany, Venice…I just want to go. Like drop everything and go. It’s where I feel like I belong right now. I want to go to Rome and then drive down the coast to Possitano like they did in the movie. I need to experience a country where they live for food, pleasure and love. That sounds like my kind of place.

Ok. I have another movie to watch this afternoon. I’m hungry for more inspiration. Catch you on the flip side.

Year End Reflections

I am so ready for '08 to be over. This time last year, I had just moved to NY. I was anxious, excited, nervous and terrified all at the same time. I moved 3,000 miles away from the love of my life to start a career with my dream job. Now that I no longer am with that 'love of my life' or that 'dream job', I'm at a full circle. I'm at yet another December feeling anxious, nervous, excited and terrified at the same time. But I'm ready for a fresh start. A beautiful beginning. Another chance.

I remember writing a post about wanting to work on 'glowing'. When I wrote that post, I had every reason to glow. Everything in my life was perfect. I really had no reason to complain. It's a little more difficult to glow when things are so uncertain, but I'm actually willing to accept the challenge and learn to glow during the un-perfect. It is understood that you build character not through the easy times, but during moments when the sun isn't so bright. It's all about how you get through the tough times that makes you the piece of work that you are. So I'm going to work on glowing through this particular time. Not that it's all that bad of a time. Things aren't bad. They're just different. Way different.

There's a line in a movie I saw recently that says, "the easiest way to make God laugh is to tell him what you have planned". How perfect is that, huh? Nevertheless, here's the tentative plan for '09 (subject to change). Move. Buy. Get spiritual. Get creative. Love. That's all I'm going to say for now. There's a whole lot more to it but I'll just let the rest play out in it's own time. If (when) it happens, I might explain further (assuming I remember this conversation). But that's the whole thing about goals and resolutions. Even if you do accomplish them, you forget that you set them and fail to celebrate how far you've come. I can't even begin to remember what I told myself I was going to work on in '08, except for glowing. I'm sure I can go back in my journal or blog to see where I was in life, but I never feel comfortable going back. (Ironically, that's something I always say to ex-bfs - "I never go back".) I like looking forward, not backwards where I can get a clear view into how stupid I was. Yeah, I should be able to see how far I've come as well, but... I just can't look back.

Without physically looking back in a journal or blog, let me see what I've learned this past year. In '04 and '05, I didn't know who I was. Newly out of college, I was naive, awkward and very much alone. In '06 and '07, I lived life to the fullest. Those years were mainly about coming into my own, gaining a special sisterhood unlike I've ever had before, having fun and falling in love. 2008 was a different kind of year. More so than anything, I've learned the power of God, the power of love, and the power of pain. Even though many a great things happened to me this year like moving to NY, meeting new associates who will probably be life-long ones, finding my style, rebuilding my relationship with God and growing closer to my family, I was in pain for the majority of it all. It sounds bleek, but I'm kinda proud of that. Even when my insides were torn apart and full of bullet holes, I was still able to suceed. Strength. I think that's one of my strongest virtues. What doesn't kill you... right?

All in all, I thought I was a pretty wise chick. Thought I had some things figured out about this here life. Boy was I wrong. Can't wait to learn even more in the '09.

Here's to a new year! Wahoo!

Big Dreams

I think I want to talk about dreams tonight. I read that old adage today that says to dream big, so I figured I'd give it a try. I'm not sure how to attach the reality tag to some of these dreams, but I guess having a little faith couldn't hurt. (That reminds me, I'm supposed to be doing some research on 'faith' being that I seem to have issues with that concept.) But if I were to dream big, here's what I would dream for.

• A Lucrative Passion - I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get paid well for my passion. More specifically, a passion that I'm remarkable in and comes naturally to me. The more and more I play with my camera, the more I realize how attached I am to it. At our organization's family reunion on Sunday, I picked up someone's camera and dag on near lost my mind taking pictures of anyone and everyone. I was on the floor in a dress snapping pics of moments; and it was extremely comfortable. I'm finding that I don't really like taking pictures of objects (although I have this amazing black and white picture of this old tree that I love). I'm more into capturing human emotions and interaction. Smiles, pain, laughter, tears... But photography is just one of my passions.


• To Give Hope - I come across so many sour pusses. People are generally not happy creatures. Something is always wrong and someone is always ready to give up. I understand that it's the ways of the world, but if I had one dream, it would be to change these ways of the world and give people a reason to be hopeful and positive. I try to do that on an individual basis, but sometimes the encouragement I give doesn't take. I wish there was a universal button I could push that would insert joy into the hearts of down-trodden ones.


• France, Brazil, South Africa, Greece, Italy, Egypt, England - I'm dreaming of an extraordinary travel experience. I have no idea who I would go with though. I'm all about solo travel right about now so perhaps I could visit some of these places on j.a.c. time in the future. I'm so ready to get out of this country for a second. I don't have enough stamps in my passport.


• Partner in Crime - The Clyde to my Bonnie.


• Godly Wisdom - This kind of wisdom is accessible. It's not that hard to attain if you know where to look for it. My dream, however, would be to attain this wisdom and actually use it in my decision-making. I don't know how many times I've been in a situation where I knew what the wise and Godly course of action was, but chose to take the other course. Human imperfection is no joke. It's overpowering even. Acquiring and exercising Godly wisdom would save me so many heartaches and reproof.


• Massage Therapy - I couldn't imagine having a private masseuse. Not even in my wildest dreams, but boy do I want one. I often have cricks in my neck or tense shoulders so a massage every now and then would be in my best interest. But I actually didn't realize how badly I needed a massage until I received an unexpected one a few weeks ago. I thought I had died. Seriously. It was the most amazing thing I felt in a long time. To have that at any time I so desire? Man!

I'm sure there are more, but that's all I can think of right now. These BIG dreams are probably not big at all. Now that I'm looking back on them, these may just be a set of goals. Things that are attainable. I'm not sure I know how to dream big. I feel like I have basically everything that I want (except for the things I mentioned above.)

I just bought Keyshia Cole's album, and I have her song "Brand New" on repeat. I think I need to close my eyes and start learning the words.... so on that note, good night all.

Pouring Out My Heart

I have so much on my mind.

Again, he told me that he wants me back. He says that he's different. That he's made changes for not only himself but God as well. He wrote, "I know I can't make it without Him...I tried by myself already." I told him that was fantastic. It really is admirable. But I can't just jump back in. I suggested that if he's really going to live for God, try doing it on his own for a while. Certainly longer than 4 months. Try his new lifestyle out for a while, build it up, and then come check for me. But honestly, I don't think it'll ever work. I'm TERRIFIED to do it again! It was SO HARD. Being with someone who has a different value and moral standard than I do... Ugh! It sucks! It's hard merging a life with someone who's only accountable to himself. When I want to make every single decision based on my relationship with God and he wants to do what he wants to do... It's just not going to work. I want a husband who has that really really really deep respect and fear for Jehovah God. Who says, no I can't cheat on my wife because God will KILL me! Or no, I won't lie on my job like my boss is asking me to because I'll disappoint God. Who thinks that losing his job is worth more than jeopardizing his relationship with God. That's a hard decision for a man to make when he has a family to feed, ya know?! I want a man who puts himself in check because of God, not because of me. I want a man who has studied and meditated on what God requires of him and truly truly desires to live by it so that he can stay in God's good graces. And it's a hard thing to do, all of that! Especially when it makes you look different from other people - because it will. Believe me, I know. It's a struggle for me every single freakin day! It's an uphill journey! No, it's freaking up the mountain crawling on your hands and knees journey! And it certainly takes longer than 4 months to get there. I just want a servant of Jehovah. That's all I want. It's my number 1 requirement. If he has that then the honesty, the responsibility, the love...it will all be there. Just give me a servant of Jehovah God. Please God. Please.

And that's where I am right now. I'm asking for this servant, but I can't have one if I'm not there myself. When the chapter on my ex and I finally ended, I knew it was time to make God my closest confidant. So right now, it's just me and God. Just me and my Father. And there's not a person out there than can take that away from me right now. You just don't understand how badly I NEED and WANT Him in my life.

I lost my job Thursday. There were 600 lay-offs at Time Inc and I have 2 weeks until my last day. When I watched the people crying and depressed the other day, my heart broke for them. I can't imagine how it would feel not to have God standing right next to you holding your hand. I know 115% for a fact that God will not leave me. He's helped me this far so why wouldn't I be okay? Ever since my break-up, which I think was one of the most timely things that have ever happened to me, I've been diving into some really creative things that I am longing to pursue. I realize that I have talents that I haven't even begun to tap into. I feel like I'm surrounded by protection that can only come from one being. Do you know that I sold my first song a couple of weeks ago? Can you believe that I have a modeling gig in the next couple of days? Isn't it fantastic that I just came into $700 that I didn't know about? Isn't it crazy that my parents JUST found out they can build their new house without having to sell the current one, which means I can live there if I want? How is it that all of this is just happening right at the time of my lay-off? Surely not by my own graces. I have supreme cushion on all sides. He will not leave me and He never has. I'm not the least bit worried and I'm definitely looking forward to what my life will hold. Especially since I have Him. There's no where to go but up from here.

Speaking of up, Essence was THE best job I have ever had. I prayed and prayed and prayed for that job and it turned out to be the perfect opportunity. I woke up every single day ready to step into that building and walk through the double doors into the Essence office. It was a privilege. When speaking to my manager who also was let go, she said she couldn't help but to think about me because she knew how much Essence was my baby. It really was. And it will continue to be. I will always have a special place in my heart for Essence. I'm really going to miss the family that I build there. My department was unique. Even though I worked directly for Essence, I was in a cluster with finance people who worked for Real Simple and InStyle magazines, so I was around a diverse group of individuals. White, Asian, men, women, old, young, crazy, quiet. That was my family for 11 months ya'll. And ALL of us got along! How insane is that?! All 12 of us. But now that there are only 4 left standing, we'll all go in different directions and just cherish the relationships that we've built. Essence was a blessing. It truly was.

So what's next? I definitely have to write. I was just asked to contribute to another blog and help administer the site for a new enterprise back out in Cali. That's going to be a piece of cake for me. And I adore the guy who's running this enterprise. His heart is so big that I'll do anything for him. The music team I sold my song to (GEM and NK) has asked me to work with them, so I'll continue to do that no matter whether I stay in NY or move back home. I have a pretty good severance package so I'm thinking about perhaps going to photography school. I did say that I want to put together a portfolio by October 2009 didn't I? GEM doesn't want me to leave so he's working to find me a job in NY. He's already pushed me onto a couple of people's plates which was really kind of him. And then this modeling thing? It's just something to do. A one time thing. Even though I'm 5'9" and a size 6, my butt is way too big to model. I have a sista card and that's not going to work. Modeling is not my thing either. I had fun doing it in college but it's not my style. If I take it seriously, I think it'll take me in a direction I'm not willing to go if you know what I mean. And then there's always the option to go back to school. I LOVE school. Always have. But I'm too creative to do finance and business school. I have to find the right school niche.

Moving home is my only concern. For all four of us to be under one roof again. Mmm... It gives me the chills. Let's just put it like that. Two grown children cannot peacefully co-exist with their parents. My sister and parents are having a hard time as it is. I think they're not even speaking right now. I SO don't want to move back in and be a part of that drama. I need peace in my life. (lol. how many times have i said that!) I love my family, but they are just too much. I told my mother that I think they've all gotten out of control. Because of how difficult it is, they've somehow gotten really mean towards one another. What is that all about?!! ILLL. I can't do that! My mother says that I'm probably exactly what they need to pull it back together. Well why do I have to be that person?! Lol. I'm really sensitive and most likely will start crying when family stress drags me there. Everyone will probably check themselves if that happens because no one like to see me cry. A family meeting will be called and everything. I can already see it! But the next family meeting I want to have is with my own husband and 2.5 kids! Feel me?! I don't want a 9 to 5 job, but if that means getting me out of Ramblewood then that's what I'll have to do.

My dad told me that in hard times, with family is the best place to be. I wholeheartedly agree. Every one's going to need their mommies and daddies the way things are going with this economy. Can you believe that 6,000 jobs were lost in NY in the month of October alone?! Yeah, we're going to need each other. My sister is excited for me to come home. I'm glad she's excited. It's nice to know she feels that way about me. My sis and I have a good relationship. My prayer for her is that she build a firm relationship with God. The lady is so smart. Intelligent beyond belief, but she can be such a frantic mess sometimes. I think that a relationship with God will help her with that. But like I said up top, that takes time. Everybody has to take that journey if they desire it. It's a long one, but it's super rewarding.

I never or hardly talk about my relationship with God on this blog, even though it's such a huge part of my life. But the closer I get to Him, the more I feel like an outsider. But that's to be expected and I'm prepared for it. For example, I have a lot of nice male friends. For the girls who don't really get it, I often hear "i don't understand why you're not dating him or hopping on that right now, cuz giirrrlllll, if i were you..." Yeah, I can imagine why you don't understand. It's not that simple for me. Which sucks sometimes because I realize that I'm limiting my choices. A man who serves God the way I do! Ha! Yeah, that's like searching for the underwire on Aretha Franklin's bra. But that's what I want. And I did say that God won't leave me right? If I don't have faith, how will it be delivered? (And that's why if it's even possible, the ex is going to have to come SO hard. I mean SOOOOO hard. I don't feel like an average woman. I KNOW I'm not. My standards are so high. Too high for him, I believe.) And then this past Halloween, which is a holiday I really don't get down with, I got chastised for not celebrating it. I've never been pushed so hard to celebrate this holiday before. I used to be surrounded by people who kept away from Halloween and all that it stood for, but for some reason, I lost all those people. Lol. It's weird how I'm constantly reminded of my choices, but that's a good thing. I'm constantly reminded of my relationship with God. And if that's what it takes, then so be it.

I feel like I've been writing for an hour, but I needed this. This is one of those posts that I'll be able to look back upon and see growth. I feel like I'm in a good place and prayerfully, I'll stay here.

Ciao bellas.

he took my breath away - one fantasy down

before i do anything, and because i write everything down, i must have you know that about 30 minutes ago, i happened across the most handsome... mmm. no. that's not the right word. 'handsome' feels too stiff. umm.... let me think...... the most beautiful? no. that's a little too sugary and sweet. i feel like i'm describing terrance howard. well maybe i should just say the finest... naaaww. i don't like that either. using 'fine' is too typical.... he was..... refreshing. that's it. yes. i happened across the most refreshing looking man i have seen in a very long time. and if i were speaking this to you, there would be a pause in between every single word of that last sentence. that's how badly this needs to stressed.

i am so grateful that i was at the place that i was, at the moment i was, and with the person who i was with. because of these things, i was able to be blessed with something special. i was able to have my breath taken away. and for anyone who knows me, you know meaningful that is to me. i romanticize life more than i should and dream of moments where my reality blends with fantasy. where my arms become attacked by goosebumps and my breath becomes short because of something wonderful. where terrific climaxes happen and happy endings live. of course that's not real life, but i desire that.... God smiled down on me and provided exactly that 30 minutes ago.

i understand that he is a human being and is much more than a refreshing face and body, but since i can't and won't have him, i will appreciate him as that one fantasy that actually came to life. =) one fantasy down and many more to go!

mmmm. i still can not believe what i just saw. i hope that i never forget what he looks like.

10:57 - i'm back again. i still have more to say about this man. lol.
i don't think anyone will be able to imagine the stark difference between what was going on in my mind and what was showing on my face. while i could hardly pay attention to the words he was exchanging with my boy, i did notice that he had all of his wits and smarts about him. i think i remember him saying something about working on a project with another friend. from the glow in his face, i'm sure it's going well. or maybe the glow was just from my point of view. either way, even without fully listening, which i couldn't do no matter if i tried, he intrigued me. his presence. the way he crossed his arms over his chest. the way he kept his body open to all 4 of us instead of focusing his attention solely on E. his style. the genuineness in his expression when he hugged his frat brother. i took in everything as i stood there with a calm and simple smile on my face. when E walked me to my bus, i told him that that was another thing i needed to have - instant attraction. he asked me in shock, "he has to be like that?!" - referring to his friend. (earlier, E admitted that he's never before seen the amount of attention that his boy gets.) "wow j. your qualifications are making it really tough. good luck with that." E says. call me a pessimist, but i don't think i'll ever again meet someone, let alone fall in love and marry and man who will blow me away like E's friend did. that's a once in a lifetime thing. and because it happened, i'm satisfied. really and truly, i'm all good. =) today was a good day.