Simplify

A question arose in an article I was reading.

Why not evaluate whether you can simplify your lifestyle? Can you decrease the number of possessions you have or are seeking to acquire?

Hmmm. It is my goal to preach in a foreign country. If I were asked to pick up and move to serve in Italy, Venezuela, Australia or London, would I be ready? Well the answer is obviously no, so what could I give away or trash to work in harmony with my long-term goal?

I have a whole bedroom full of crap in my house. Stuff that I never touch. I could start there. Or what about my expenses? That would affect me immediately if I got rid of some unnecessary expenses.

Utilities
Cable + Netflix
Food
Car + Gas
Hair
Religious Donations

What if we only had one car? We've done it in the past. What if I got rid of either cable or Netflix?

I always feel good when I clean out my closet. In addition to that extra bedroom, closet cleaning is a good place to start. Magazines, papers, trinkets, accessories, my wedding dress... it all needs to go.

International Convention of Jehovah's Witnesses

There's nothing more fulfilling than being a part of Jehovah's organization. Our international convention was remarkable. While our venue was new (FedEx field), distractions were high and we contended with some rain and heat, I am overwhelmed by the amount of love and unity we showed to each other. I am mostly overwhelmed by how much the slave gives and continues to give. I'm talking about the spiritual feast, the organization of a dozen international conventions put together for thousands upon thousands of people all over the earth and the hospitality. Oh the hospitality.

My husband and I were privileged to man the welcome and information desk at the Embassy Suites from 6am - 10am the day before the convention. Sitting there and happily waving to and helping brothers and sisters from different countries, some of who spoke not one lick of English was amazing. As witnesses in our local congregation meetings, we often speak about our international bond and the pure language, but to experience it is a completely different thing. I felt connected to the Brazilian couple who reminded me of me and my husband. The beauty and joy is something I will never forget. I never spoke to them, but we locked eyes, smiled and I waved like a fool to them across the convention corridor. At the information desk, I used my Google translate app to have a conversation with a sister who missed her tour bus. I gave her host directions to the botanical gardens along with my phone number in case anything went wrong. That sister called me and left a beautiful message about how wonderful everything went. When I randomly bumped into her at the convention amongst 60,000 other witnesses, we hugged and hugged and hugged.

Because of the novelty of the experience, I was very distracted. I mean who can concentrate when you are surrounded by 60,000 other witnesses from 20 something different countries. But I did manage to catch a few things. The highlights of the convention program were...

- The interview of the young brother from another country who was imprisoned for 1.5 years just a few years ago for being neutral and a JW. He almost died 3 times in a cell that was completely dark and stuffed with other witnesses.
- The candid and humorous talks given by Brother Morris, a member of the governing body. "Common sense is just not common." "That's just not bright." "I feel sorry for the time Nazis. They must lead a miserable life." His delivery was on point and he encouraged me to do nothing apart from the way Jehovah wants me to do things.
- The 2 videos that were shown depicting what the resurrection will be like and what the 1,000 years will bring after Armageddon is over. Watching that father see his resurrected child for the first time and watching that old man wash his face only to look into a mirror and notice he was young again... truly touching.
- Taking photos of my friend as she was baptized. I am so happy that she was finally able to reach her goal. As a single mother of two boys, I'm sure she was a pristine example to them when she took that wonderful step.
- My sister came Sunday afternoon............ I don't even know what else to say behind that.

I am so delighted with the way Thursday - Sunday went that I am dreading returning to this dreary, problem and stress ridden world. My friend, Shay, sent me a text message about how she could see my husband and wife up on the platform giving an interview one day about our work in the full-time service. It's amazing how many people have said that to us. So when I think about the two choices I have - to go back to work or to be in Jehovah's service - I tend to lean towards the later. I took note of all the missionaries that came out in the end to wave goodbye as they go back to their assignments. I took note of all the email addresses of international friends we could stay with if we travelled abroad. I took note of the different languages and happy blessings that some of the interviewees talked about. I took note of Marcus' old friend who moved to China and is preaching under ban. I wish I could see the world and experience this international brotherhood ALL of the time. Materialism and fear are what I think hold us back. The video release we received at the convention highlighted how strong a part faith plays in not only making big decisions but taking the steps towards those decisions. Faith is one strong fruit of the holy spirit. I can move mountains if you believe in it.

I can't forget to mention how ridiculously amazing it felt that my worldly talents were used for Jehovah. Not only did I get to choreograph a dance for the international delegates who came to visit us, but I also had the opportunity to do some photography work for the dcdelegates.org website - THE official website for the international convention for DC. I also was asked to take our congregation photo which was then given to the international delegates in their gift bags. Being used in this way really helps me to understand that I can be myself and be used by Jah. Having passions and hobbies that are outside of religion are really ok, as long as they don't crowd out spiritual things. So to have those passions be used for spiritual things is even better.

I am moved. So moved by the love the governing body shows for us. To think that it's only a FRACTION of the love that our Almighty God shows for us is...whew. There's no word to adequately describe it.  I am so thankful to have found this religion and to be a part of an organization that demonstrates how the world SHOULD be. Complete unity and love worldwide. May I NEVER take for granted being in Jehovah's love. Thank Jehovah for such a unique and wonderful experience.

Hell Yeah

don't it seem like every time you try and progress
something's always holding you back
waiting on line for my piece of the pie
but there's none left

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

when will all this senseless violence end
when will it be safe for people to live again
tax the poor almost half to death while the rich live lavish
we're just dying to live

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

I know a place where ain't nobody crying
I'll take you there
I know a place where ain't nobody dying
I'll take you there

- Stacy Barthe

This song is so real to me. The Devil is surely all in the way. But Jehovah is testing my spiritual fitness and using the one closest to me to do it. I couldn't be more in need of a place and time where there are no more tears and pain. I just need to hold on while walking in this selfish, cruel, disgusting world. I hate the influence it has on my family. Jehovah wants me to win and has confidence in me, so I will pray for Him to help me hold on.

Proverbs 31

Who can find a capable wife?
Her value is far more than that of corals.
Her husband trusts her from his heart, And he lacks nothing of value.  
She rewards him with good, not bad, All the days of her life.  
She obtains wool and linen; She delights to work with her hands. 
She is like the ships of a merchant,
Bringing her food in from afar.  
She also rises while it is still night, Providing food for her household And portions for her female servants. 
She sets her mind on a field and buys it; She plants a vineyard from her own labors. 
She prepares herself for hard work,
And she strengthens her arms.  
She sees that her trading is profitable; Her lamp does not go out at night.  
Her hands seize the distaff, And her hands take hold of the spindle. 
She extends her palm to the lowly one, And she opens her hands to the poor. 
She does not worry about her household because of the snow, For her whole household is clothed in warm garments.  
She makes her own bed covers.  
Her clothing is of linen and purple wool.  
Her husband is well-known in the city gates,
Where he sits among the elders of the land.  
She makes and sells linen garments
And supplies belts to the merchants.  
She is clothed with strength and splendor, And she looks to the future with confidence. 
She opens her mouth in wisdom;
The law of kindness is on her tongue.  
She watches over the activity of her household, And the bread of laziness she does not eat. 
Her children rise up and declare her happy; Her husband rises up and praises her.  
There are many capable women, But you—you surpass them all.  
Charm may be false, and beauty may be fleeting,
But the woman who fears Jehovah will be praised. 
Give her the reward for what she does,
And let her works praise her in the city gates.

2013 in Review

UPDATE: I FORGOT TWO IMPORTANT THINGS!

I feel like I need to write a post about my year in review, but I can't remember half of what happened in 2013. It's all a blur. One year simply fades into the next. But from looking at my 2013 calendar, here's what I could compile about the year.

Bought a new car.
My husband sold his condo from the bachelor days.
I did a handful of photo shoots and interior design consultations for friends.
Had a great district convention.
Went to a couple of concerts.
Formally recognized myself as a photography and design consultant.
Signed up for the Regional Building Committee.
Adopted the most adorable puppy.
Designed and built a closet in one of the spare rooms.
Had a relaxing family reunion vacation.
Built a wonderful relationship with a new couple.
Participated in a few beautiful photo shoots with hubby.
Witnessed the release of a new Bible translation!
Went to CT and NY with my family.
Got out of jury duty.
Did some territory assist field service.
Traveled to San Francisco for work.
Went on a cruise to the Bahamas.
Partied and had dinners and outings with all kinds of friends.
Ended the year in Alabama with my family (grandfather, grandmother and uncle included!).

I'd say I had a very fulfilling year. The highlight of it was being with friends in all different kinds of capacities (shows, concerts, anniversary parties, restaurants, gatherings at each others houses, etc.) and doing more for Jehovah while witnessing Jehovah doing so much for me. Serving in a territory that needs assistance and signing up to help build Kingdom Halls makes me feel happy. Being a part of a special program in which we are given a new Bible... there are no words to sum up how incredibly historic it was. I was so honored to witness that.

Next year, I look forward to continuing my friendships and having even more great dinners, outings, gatherings, etc. Becoming one with the new Bible that I received is imperative. I so badly want to show my appreciation for this gift, but have such a hard time doing daily Bible reading. So I want to try hard, very hard, to make it happen. I want to go back to sitting in the front of the Kingdom Hall so as to block out distractions. By maintaining my spiritual focus, I know I'll have an even better relationship with my husband than I did last year. Continuing to grow with him is exciting as well. My husband is my best friend and my boo, so doing everything with him is my desire while still allowing time separately. Speaking of 'separately', I need to figure out how to do something. On a daily basis during the week, I am either working or trying to recuperate from working. There's no in between and there's nothing else. Work, recupe, work, recupe. I feel like I don't have much personal happy time during the week. There's no reason why spontaneity and fun has to be restricted to the weekend. So that's what I want to try to do for myself. Find energizing, happy, fun, spontaneous moments during the week. Yeah, that sounds good.

If anyone is reading this, what have you learned about yourself in 2013 and where do you see 2014 taking you?

Do the Work

I have so much to say and so little time to say it in. Luckily, Jillly from Philly says it for me.

"You can hold me close, kiss me nice. Talk to me in the moonlight. You can take my hand. Be that strong man, you can. Hold me close. Make me feel so good. Talk to me in my ear. Tell me things that I need to hear...Come and give it to me soon, cause I need you. I can't take all of this without lovin. I'm tired of being strong all day. I need to get to know you in a familiar way. I can handle it all, but in the middle of the night, I need something right. I need you to get closer. Come a little bit closer boy. I need you to get closer to... Come and feel the fire with me. I need to feel the King in you. Let me see it soon."

I've been thinking a lot about the gift of singleness, in part because of a blog post that one of my sisters sent me about waiting for the right man. It was deep. I 100% agreed with everything that was said. There's no better time to explore who you are and to build a tough relationship with God than when you are single. No better time. Going into a marriage not knowing who you are is tough. It creates all kinds of problems later on. Going into a marriage with a strong spiritual relationship with God is tough. That too creates all sorts of problems.

As I go through these years of marriage, I am so happy that I took that time. I discerned, I researched, I discussed, I learned, I experienced hard lessons, I consulted, I prayed... I did a lot of work as a single person. I think my blog history can attest to that. Learning who you are is not easy. Forget about the fact that you still wonder if you accurately figured out who you are later on in life. Getting to a place where you are comfortable in your skin takes work. Let me say that again. Getting to a place where you are comfortable in your skin takes WORK. I mean real work people. You actually have to do something. For me, that involved a lot of reading and a lot of writing and a lot of decision-making. No, I will not be that person. No, I do not like that. Yes, I can own that character trait. Yes, this hobby definitely affects my personality for the better. Nope, another person's opinion can not alter how I feel about x. I really worked at planting my feet in soil, attaching my roots deep and growing from there.

Moving across the country was a blessing. Every single puppet string was detached when I made that move. I decided everything for myself. One of the most significant decisions was my decision to make a spiritual search. Proving the scriptures to myself, going against what the Bible recommended and learning the hard way that God's Word really has some truth to it helped me to draw closer to God. With the help of Jehovah, I studied my butt off and my conscious was trained. My social experiences also helped define my spirituality. As I partied all over LA, I learned what my Bible-trained conscious would allow me to do and what it wouldn't. I was actively putting my Bible studies to work (although not necessarily in a good way). I challenged everything I was learning and used my social life to do so. "Let me see if I can socialize with people who have not an inkling of spirituality about them, drink until 2am and still feel okay about myself the next day." lol. I did it. I did it all!

I say all that to say that yes lawd singleness is a gift. As I think back, everything experience was for a purpose. It was hard, but it was well worth it. And as I continue to grow in marriage, I look forward to looking back again and rounding up all the lessons and gaining insight into how marriage helped me spiritually and personally. So the work continues! I have a nice base, a great foundation, and now I have to keep building. Keep working. Keep reading, praying, writing, studying, consulting, researching... The hard work is well worth it. I promise you.

Do the work.

Solving Problems In Your Marriage

I'm going to frame this article. I HAVE to frame this article. We have come to the determination that this is the ONLY way that Marcus and I can go about solving problems in our marriage. And for re-emphasis, here it is copied and pasted below. Thank you Jehovah for this!

 Keys to Family Happiness

 

Four Steps to Solving Problems

Consider the four steps listed below, and note how Bible principles can help you to solve problems in a loving and respectful manner.

1. Set a time to discuss the issue.

“For everything there is an appointed time, . . . a  time to keep quiet and a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7) As demonstrated in the altercation quoted earlier, some problems may evoke strong emotions. If that happens, have the self-control to call a temporary halt—to “keep quiet”—before tempers flare. You can save your relationship from much damage if you heed the Bible’s advice: “Starting a quarrel is like a leak in a dam, so stop it before a fight breaks out.”—Proverbs 17:14, New Century Version.

However, there is also “a time to speak.” Problems, like weeds, flourish when neglected. So do not ignore the issue, hoping it will just go away. If you call a halt to a discussion, show respect for your mate by picking a time in the near future when you will talk about the problem. Such a promise can help both of you apply the spirit of the Bible’s counsel: “Let the sun not set with you in a provoked state.” (Ephesians 4:26) Of course, you then need to follow through on your promise.

TRY THIS: Pick a regular time each week when you can discuss family problems. If you notice that you are more prone to argue at a certain time of day—for example, when you first arrive home from work or before you have eaten—agree not to discuss problems at those times. Rather, choose a time when you are both likely to be less stressed.

2. Express your opinion honestly and respectfully.

“Speak truth each one of you with his neighbor.” (Ephesians 4:25) If you are married, your closest neighbor is your spouse. So be honest and specific about your feelings when talking to your mate. Margareta, * who has been married for 26 years, says: “When I was newly married, I expected that my husband would just know how I felt when a problem arose. I learned that such an expectation was unrealistic. Now I try to express my thoughts and feelings clearly.”

Remember, your goal when discussing a problem is, not to win a battle or conquer an enemy, but simply to let your mate know your thoughts. To do so effectively, state what you think the problem is, then say when it arises, and then explain how it makes you feel. For example, if you are annoyed by your mate’s untidiness, you can respectfully say, ‘When you come home from work and leave your clothes on the floor [the when and what of the problem], I feel that my efforts to care for the home are not appreciated [explains exactly how you feel].’ Then tactfully suggest what you think would be a solution to the problem.

TRY THIS: To help you have your thoughts clearly in mind before talking to your mate, write down what you understand the problem to be and how you would like to resolve it.

3. Listen to and acknowledge your mate’s feelings.

The disciple James wrote that Christians should be “swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19) Few things cause more unhappiness in a marriage than the impression that your partner does not understand how you feel about a problem. So be determined not to give your mate such an impression!—Matthew 7:12.

Wolfgang, who has been married for 35 years, says, “When we discuss problems, I get kind of tense inside, especially when I feel that my wife doesn’t understand my way of thinking.” Dianna, now married for 20 years, admits, “I often complain to my husband that he doesn’t really listen to me when we discuss problems.” How can you overcome this barrier?

Do not presume that you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. “By  presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom,” states God’s Word. (Proverbs 13:10) Allow your spouse the dignity of expressing his or her opinion without interruption. Then, to ensure that you understood what was said, rephrase what you heard and repeat it to your mate, doing so without sarcasm or aggression. Permit your mate to correct you if you misunderstood something that was said. Do not do all the talking. Take turns in this style of conversation until you both agree that you understand each other’s thoughts and feelings on the matter.

True, it requires humility and patience to listen attentively to your spouse and to acknowledge his or her opinion. But if you take the lead in showing your mate such honor, your mate will be more inclined to honor you.—Matthew 7:2; Romans 12:10.

TRY THIS: When repeating your mate’s comments, do not just parrot his or her exact words. In an empathetic manner, try to describe what you understand your mate is both saying and feeling.—1 Peter 3:8.

4. Agree on a solution.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their hard work. For if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10) Few problems in a marriage can be solved unless both partners work together and support each other.

True, Jehovah appointed the husband as head of the family. (1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:23) But headship does not mean dictatorship. A wise husband will not make arbitrary decisions. David, married for 20 years, says, “I try to find a point of agreement with my wife and look for a decision we both can support.” Tanya, now married for seven years, says: “It isn’t about who is right and who is wrong. Sometimes there are just different opinions on how to solve a problem. I have found that the key to success is to be flexible and reasonable.”

TRY THIS: Create a spirit of teamwork by having both of you write down as many different possible solutions to the problem as you can think of. When you have run out of ideas, review your list and implement the solution that you both agree on. Then pick a time in the near future when you will check whether the decision has been acted on and how successful it has been.

Master Plan

We just came back from our annual spiritual convention. I am spiritually FULL with a lot on my mind. But first, I want to test how I've been doing on my short term goals and maybe add to them.

Short Term Spiritual Goals

• Bible reading – The best time for me to do my scheduled reading for Wednesdays is on the train Monday morning and afternoon. I've been doing ok here. For two weeks straight I got my Bible reading done by way of my train rides, but I have to admit, the week of the convention, I slacked off. I gotta get back on this ASAP.
• Daily Text – Read this every day before I get out of the bed. This has been going extremely well! This one has been easy because the first thing I do in the morning is pick up my phone. So instead of opening email or social media apps, I open to the daily text. I'm happy about accomplishing this goal so far. 
• Daily Bible reading – Utilize my time in the car – listen to audio recordings of the Bible and other spiritual literature (this will help me cut out the poor music choices too!) I did this for a week and I'm actually looking forward to starting up again this week as I start driving to work again tomorrow. 
• Personal Study – This one is hard… I need to schedule this on a day where it’s never interrupted.  Mondays are pretty low key days. I guess I’ll have to tack it on to the end of our Family Worship evening. I need a desk in the living room… This is my first time following through on this goal, hence me blogging on a Monday night. I've been having this nagging issue on my mind that I was able to work out through some research a little while ago. I actually prayed that Jehovah would help me find the answer to my nagging question and the first thing I looked up and read answered my question! Well how about that?! I guess testing Jehovah out is not such a bad idea after all. That definitely boosted my faith. This personal studying thing might really work!
• Use the fast forward button on the remote. Do not order any Rated R movies on Netflix. Instead of listening to certain music, listen to Bible literature in the car. Guess what? I've gone 4 day straight without tv! Granted, I was away at a spiritual convention, but there was plenty of time to turn on the tv while preparing for bed and preparing to attend the convention in the mornings. But I forced myself not to touch the remote. To be 100% honest though, I turned on the tv today (the 4th day), but it was to watch the new DVD release that we received at the convention. So that doesn't count. It was strictly for spiritual purposes. Nevertheless, I figured that if I get out of the routine of turning on the tv everyday, my goal can be easier to reach.

Now for new lessons learned and new goals…

The last speaker of the convention said something that resonated in my gut. He said this about our every day distractions. I didn't get the first part of what he said but I got this. "...inability to hear God's voice with all the background noise in our life." That half statement immediately stood out to me. It has a lot to do with what I was feeling and thinking in my last blog post. I want to hear God's voice, I want to do what's right, but there's just so much dag on background noise and distractions that I can't hear Him. I can't hear Him over my tv shows, the music on the radio, the gossip blogs, the pleasures of life and even my own laziness. Those are my distractions. So what am I going to do about them? 

Well I have a plan in place for tv and music, but I'm also interested in cutting down my list of recorded shows. That'll help a ton. Maybe I'll stop recording 'Mad Men' or 'La La's Full Court Life' or 'The Haves and Have Nots'. I need to go through the list and see what I can do there. The music part is going to be a challenge because I'm not the only one with speakers in this house. Not sure what to do there other than be picky about my own choices. I just need to try hard not to get sucked back in while hearing the other stuff. 

Gossip blogs - I only look at these when I'm bored so that means I need a substitute 'go-to'. I guess that should be my daily Bible reading. Instead of going to my phone's bookmarks and tapping on theYBF, I should tap on that Bible app I have… I just took a second and rearranged my apps on my phone. Bible app is on the first page at the top. Subtle reminder not to go any further. All my social media apps are on the second page. If that still doesn't help me get it together, I may have to let some accounts go. I'm not choosing social media over daily Bible reading and personal study. If I can't get the important things done in my spiritual routine, then I don't have time for social media. At least that's what we learned this weekend!

Laziness - I think I'm combatting this with some of the things I've laid out so far. 

But more on that later once I've tried out a couple of these ideas, goals and lessons. If laziness ends up being bigger than I think, I'll revisit and devise a master plan.

This planning is making me sleepy. Night world.

Spiritual Goals

I know I’ve been missing in action. But it’s not my fault. I can’t blog on these dag on work computers. Every time I try, there’s this weird error that pops up on my screen that I can click past, but it keeps popping up. It’s so annoying. So today, I’m writing in Microsoft Word. I think I can copy, paste and save this into the blog before the error comes up.

You know what’s on my mind a lot? My sucky spirituality. [insert stank face here] Goodness my spirituality sucks right now. I have so much freakin crap to work on! You know what my main problem is right now? Entertainment. I am having THE HARDEST time with what I take in. And it’s not that what I watch or listen to has gotten any worse than it’s always been. I’ve always watched the same tv shows and listened to the same music. What has changed is the fact that I have a 20 year old Bible student. Do you know how hard it is to preach being obedient to God when you’re not doing yourself?! Talk about A GUILTY HYPOCRITE. You should have seen me last week. We were sitting there talking about how fornication and adultery, things Jehovah hates, should not be among the things we ingest with our senses.  And then we go further into it by talking about how we need to be careful of our association as it relates to entertainment because we get connected to these characters. They become our friends and we root for them! And then I start talking about how much I like Gabrielle Union’s ‘Being Mary Jane’ character because I understand her and how it’s a clean show and……………………………… Why did my voice trail off just like those ellipses (yes, I did just look up that terminology)? All of a sudden, flashes of her sexscipade with dude number 1 ran through my mind. Her bare booty sticking out… The implied image of her having sex with dude number 2 not even a week later… Dag nabbit! My study could tell that I was renigging because she started to laugh at me. And then why did she say that next week, we’ll come together and see if we made any changes. DAG NABBIT! See this is why I don’t like to tell people what I watch or what I listen to. I don’t need this kind of pressure to do right! Lol.

You know what’s on my mind a lot? My sucky spirituality. [insert stank face here] Goodness my spirituality sucks right now. I have so much freakin crap to work on! You know what my main problem is right now? Entertainment. I am having THE HARDEST time with what I take in. And it’s not that what I watch or listen to has gotten any worse than it’s always been. I’ve always watched the same tv shows and listened to the same music. What has changed is the fact that I have a 20 year old Bible student. Do you know how hard it is to preach being obedient to God when you’re not doing yourself?! Talk about A GUILTY HYPOCRITE. You should have seen me last week. We were sitting there talking about how fornication and adultery, things Jehovah hates, should not be among the things we ingest with our senses.  And then we go further into it by talking about how we need to be careful of our association as it relates to entertainment because we get connected to these characters. They become our friends and we root for them! And then I start talking about how much I like Gabrielle Union’s ‘Being Mary Jane’ character because I understand her and how it’s a clean show and……………………………… Why did my voice trail off just like those ellipses (yes, I did just look up that terminology)? All of a sudden, flashes of her sexscipade with dude number 1 ran through my mind. Her bare booty sticking out… The implied image of her having sex with dude number 2 not even a week later… Dag nabbit! My study could tell that I was renigging because she started to laugh at me. And then why did she say that next week, we’ll come together and see if we made any changes. DAG NABBIT! See this is why I don’t like to tell people what I watch or what I listen to. I don’t need this kind of pressure to do right! Lol.

Yeah so that’s why I think my spirituality sucks. It’s not just entertainment though. It’s all around just wack. My thought patterns, my lack of energy and zeal, my failure to do personal study and Bible reading. I remember the days when I used to be so on point. I was so inspired and energetic and strong. Love and Hip Hop…oh they cursing and fighting? Naw. Rated R movies… Naw. Strip club songs… Naw. And then slowly but surely…FAIL, FAIL and FAIL. Sigh. It’s hard when you come from doing so well to doing so poorly all the while trying to teach someone to be on top of their game. And it’s not just about my Bible study. I’m pretty sure that my God’s feelings on the matter should be a factor as well. What are the chances He wouldn’t mind me listening to and singing ‘Strip clubs and dolla bills…Patron shots, can I get a refill…Stippers going up and down that pole…’?

I feel stuck. How do you just stop? How do you go cold turkey? Hmm… I think I need to start by using my fast forward button a bit more. I’m sure if I was doing some personal study and reading my Bible on a daily basis like I’m supposed to, this wouldn’t be that difficult. But right now, it is what it is. But since I can’t let it stay how it is, here’s the plan.

Short Term Spiritual Goals

• Bible reading – The best time for me to do my scheduled reading for Wednesdays is on the train Monday morning and afternoon.
• Daily Text – Read this every day before I get out of the bed.
• Daily Bible reading – Utilize my time in the car – listen to audio recordings of the Bible and other spiritual literature (this will help me cut out the poor music choices too!)
• Personal Study – This one is hard… I need to schedule this on a day where it’s never interrupted.  Mondays are pretty low key days. I guess I’ll have to tack it on to the end of our Family Worship evening. I need a desk in the living room…
• Use the fast forward button on the remote. Do not order any Rated R movies on Netflix. Instead of listening to certain music, listen to Bible literature in the car.

So this should help with putting more clean and god-approved words, images and thoughts in my head. Now if I can manage to stick to it…! That’s the challenge. We’ll see how this goes.

Sprititual Schedule

I've been MIA. It's not that I haven't tried to blog either. Life is just busy I guess. Well maybe busy isn't the right word. Life is full and well scheduled. There have been a whole bunch of trips, gatherings, helping of friends, double dates, Bible studies, etc. Life is good. I like it like this.

This weekend is going to be full of spiritual activities. From 9:30 - 4 I'll either be knocking on someone's door, making return visits, or attending the talk for a Bethel speaker. On Sunday, we have a special meeting as well due to the Bethel attendee. These activities are right on time for me. I've seriously been slacking. I feel like I'm not doing my best when it comes to service and my study habits. Instead, I'm doing just enough. And for that reason, I need to create a schedule. Again.

Monday
Bible reading

Tuesday
Bible reading
Meeting Preparation

Wednesday
Meeting night

Thursday
Check in with Bible studies (personal interest)
Prepare for their studies
Personal study

Friday
Watchtower preparation

Saturday
Ministry

Sunday
Meeting

Topics for personal study:
- Having Bible studies, being a good conductor
- All Scripture Inspired book (get background on the chapter of the Bible we're reading)
-

Hopefully I can stick to it. =/

The Happenings

I know I know I know...

I'm slacking on the blogging. I've been uber busy lately. I feel like I've been running at a constant pace at work for the past two weeks. There's absolutely no time to jog. I'm not quite sprinting, but I'm still exerting quite a bit of effort. That's okay though. The days go by faster.

I've gotten quite a bit of j.a.design storyboard requests lately. Mostly family members. It's helped me get back into my passion. I was on a bit of a hiatus from it actually. I think that comes from my house being settled. Of course there are things I could always change in the house but I'd rather spend my money on clothes right now. Fall shopping is priority.

What else has been going on? Well October is a busy month in general. Three weddings three weekends in a row. We will be on our way to Ohio after work Friday. I'm excited to get out of DC. I feel like it's been a while since I've been anywhere outside of the home area.

I've added 2 Bible studies to my plate and I love them. They're usually on Sunday but sometimes schedules don't allow for that so it's taken a bit of energy to plan, reschedule and commit. I also have to prepare for each of these studies ahead of time so that's takes some diligence as well. I really want my students to get the most of their studies. My favorite study is with Sam. A 20 year old witness who says she doesn't feel like one and doesn't feel close to God at all. Since she's not new in the truth, I'm giving her a crash course. In addition to her studies and preparing for meetings, she has homework to work on her prayers. She doesn't feel like God will hear her. I assured her otherwise. I'm excited to see where we are in a year. Speaking of Bible studies, hubby and I had a bomb family worship. Our marriage went through a period of stress so we considered Bible literature on marital relationships. It was nice to read it after the dust settled on our mini-war (for a lack of a better word). We simply read the entire article out loud, alternating paragraphs. No comments were necessary. Afterwards, we each took a sheet of paper and wrote down 4 or 5 things we each are inspired to work on. After sharing those with each other, we took each others sheet, flipped it over and wrote 2 or 3 things we need from the other. We read them, processed, clarified and put them on our nightstands for keeping. It was so simple. There was a lot of quiet understanding, realizations, readjusting and thoughtfulness going on. It was divine.

Next month is November. Where does the time go? It'll be 2013 in no time! I feel like new goals are in order. Sounds like a 'goal' blogpost is in order. Oh! Brandy's 'Two Eleven' album is out! Did you get it? I listened to a bit of it this morning while getting dressed. I'll give the whole thing a listen today as I work.

Alright y'all. I probably won't blog again this week so have a good weekend! Pray for our safe travels!

Ciao!

Today's Bible Text

I promise you I'm no good at praying unless I either write it down in full or start to do what the above text suggests. Without a visual outline, my prayers WILL be the same everyday. Short-term goal #1 will be accomplished.

Spiritual Thoughts

Been thinking about my relationship with Jehovah a lot more than usual over the past two weeks. I suppose it's because we had the visit of the circuit overseer who usually kicks us into shape. In one of his discourses, he told us to get it together not now, but RIGHT now. Of course, I've been teetering over this thought. Do I have it together?

Lately people, namely my family members, have been telling me that I'm growing or that I'm maturing or giving me little pieces of wisdom to help me in life. Unfortunately, I haven't been taking it well. I have a problem when I vocalize a thought and someone is shocked that I said it and deems me as maturing. That mess irks the heck out of me. My thoughts and decisions have been about the same for a while now. Maybe even years. But since I don't talk my thoughts out, when I finally do, my vocalized thoughts get treated like their brand new. It's truly annoying. Something inside wants to chastise myself though. Am I so big and bad that I can't just accept what people are saying to me? Do I have a problem with humility? I said that I've been pretty mature all my life. Do I need to reevaluate that perception of myself? One would think my mother would know me better than most people, so if she's says I'm maturing, maybe she saw something in me before that wasn't mature. I have a hard time believing that I wasn't mature though. But that last sentence right there can lead to problems. Am I overconfident? Pride is before a crash right?

Another thing my circuit overseer said was that when pressure arrives, what's in your heart comes out. In other words, he was telling us to root out all the bad things in our hearts at this moment for it gets really really REALLY hard in this world. I agree with him and totally understand, which is why I've been thinking a lot about what's in my heart. You want to know what's in my heart? You want to know what I'm attracted to? You want to know what I long for? To be blunt, a vampire movie, Christmas music and old holiday memories. Now as a JW, these are things I should quite be looking towards or longing after. When you think of Christianity, blood-sucking vampires don't exactly fall in the same circle. Christmas has nothing to do with Christianity and holidays are either man-made or pagan. My husband found the common theme in these things for me, which I didn't even notice. Twilight is about passion and love. Christmas music is about warmth, joy and love. Old holiday memories are about family, joy, warmth and love. He's right. What I truly want is the feelings I get from these things. It sucks that the feelings are all nicely wrapped in things I can't open. I don't know how else to get them so that I don't long for vampire movies, Christmas music and old holiday memories. How do I get these things out of my heart?

I know I need to pray more. When I pray, I usually pray for general things and never remember that I need to pray for something specific. Hmmm. I need to write down everything I need to pray for and review it before I pray. That sounds retarded though. Sigh. There's just too much crap in my head.

SMH

Something inside of me gets irritated when I read the opinions of people who clearly aren't directed by what the Bible says. Why did I just finish reading this article on Clutch magzine where a woman who married young and divorced young is upset over people's reactions to her failed marriage after revealing that she came out as bi as she entered marriage? What In THE WORLD? The tone of her article made me think something was wrong with ME, that is until I saw the comments. One commenter said the article was garbage and I unequovically agree (although I wouldn't say that to her face). She's obviously confused/mislead and you can't be mad at that kind of fault.

Demetria Lucas posted this article on Essence where she chastised the tweet "Beyonce dated, married, THEN got pregnant... ladies, take notes". She went on to rant about how it takes two to make a baby and we shouldn't judge the women who have babies out of wedlock, especially considering that most Black families are of single parent households. I don't know what this chick's issue is with intended order of things but according to one of her responses to my question on what she considers success as a relationship counselor, the chick is jacked up. As a person who gives advice on relationships, Demetria might benefit from knowing that a man and woman are supposed to get married; not date and live together forever. I mean isn't it a fact that the right way to do it is to date, get married and have a baby? How can you argue with that? But instead, she feels that even though her career and livlihood are based on giving relationship advice, her version of relationship success doesn't mean marriage. How can marriage not be in her mantra as a relationship professional? As large and widespread as her audience is, I feel bad for people who take her ideas for their own, thinking that a successful relationship doesn't have to mean marriage.

You should see my face as I read these articles of authors who seem to have an air of authority. My furrowed eyebrows, the worry in my eyes, the ghastly opened mouth, jaw opened wide. I am so concerned for our future and our current generation. I guess the worry only comes from what I know to be true from the Bible. Being a student of it molds my thinking and actions. If I wasn't into the Bible and what Jehovah's will is for mankind, maybe I'd believe the same. As Frank Ocean sings, "What's God to a nonbeliever?"

I'm Focused Man

You would think it was the week before my period because my emotions have been insane. I'm much better today than I was yesterday though. I had to refocus my energies and map out a system for my sanity. Yesterday was one of those days when I was in my head, talking myself in and out of crazy notions. I must have written 4 or 5 journal entries trying to straighten out my confusion. I convinced myself that my husband didn't want a baby, or at least not as much as I want one. We've talked about it, but not in the way that two serious people would. The conversations are always haphazard and jokingly light. But instead of wallowing in fear of what my future might not hold, I got it together and devised a plan. A spiritual plan.

Considering how unhappy and crazy I was yesterday, I dug into some material on 'joy' last night. It seems like I come around to this topic every so often, doesn't it? It's an area that I don't do too well in. I've accepted that I am a pessimistic person so I might need to revisit it every quarter, if not more. Anyway, I realize now that my eight months of unemployment/freedom are over, I haven't been out in the ministry as much. Well let's be honest...while my calendar says I've done 8 hours of service, I can't even remember the last time I actually went out. I probably haven't met the group in a month of Saturdays. So in an effort to busy myself with something other than worrying and spazzing out, I've decided to get back into action. I know that I can't do as much as I used to do, but perhaps I can do more than I did when I worked back in the day. It's not so much that I looove being in the ministry. I more so do it to preserve my sanity. When you focus on others, you really don't have time to focus on your shortcomings and issues. Alone time with my thoughts is a dangerous thing.

I think I also need to start recounting my blessings. I take EVERYHING for granted. I know that because when asked to write down my blessings, I usually come up with nothing. How insane is that? This time, I'm going to think about this week's lessons in the Yearbook and compare myself and my issues to theirs. Most of the time, these people are WAY worse off than me. I have to remember that Jehovah has blessed me with more than I can count. I'm determined to find a way not to make Jehovah think that I don't care.

I have to remain focused. There are so many things that could be ahead of me. I think my heart is in the right place so all I have to do is apply what I know and get working. My eyes are straight ahead and I'm ready to grind. Spiritually, career-wise and financially. That's all I care about right now.

Bible Time

I believe that there's a lesson to learn about most situations, especially difficult ones. In my case, and in this moment right now, I believe my wits are being tested.

To be sure I'm using the right word, I looked up wits and the common phrase 'to be at one's wits ends' means to be overwhelmed with difficulties and at a loss as what to do next.

Yeah, that's it.

I'm not there yet. Thank Jehovah! But I can feel that struggle coming around the corner. Something's beginning to tug at me that I keep shaking off like an annoying gnat. To combat this test of wits, I've picked up in the volume of my prayers. The second half of praying though is to have faith that He hears me, so that's where I'm focusing most of my energy now. I can't say the I-know-everything-is-going-to-be-okay-because-God-loves-me concept has taken root in me yet, but I'm working on it. I know it's true, I just have to act like I know it's true.

Clearly, I need to get to studying. Bible time....

Goals

Lots of goals to harp upon....

Spiritual - I took a look at my goals document saved on my desktop, and I actually accomplished everything. Go me! So now, I want to start assisting with Kingdom Hall and Assembly Hall builds. I don't know where this desire came from, but I really want to put up dry wall and install lighting/fixtures and stuff. OH! Interior Design Experience!!!! Yes!

Exercise - This might be contingent upon getting a steady source of income, but I want to get back into ballet. I need some disciplined dance courses in my life. One class a week should be enough.

Vacations - Well Cabo is coming up in May, and then we have the family reunion in August so I think I'm okay with vacations for now. If I can get in a trip to CA that would be great. I'll look towards winter for that trek. Again, this is contingent upon income.

Career - I should go ahead and re-do this living room like I want. Do you think I can do it in April while I'm pioneering? I also have an idea for a photography site where all I need to do is set up interviews with people I admire spiritually... It always sounds so easy. The only thing to it is to do it.

Scriptural Aha Moment

You know how when you're down and crying, you tend to cry even harder when someone hugs you showing their care and concern? Well that just happened to me when I read this scripture in Colossians that says, "let the peace of the Christ control in your hearts..." My peace seems to be running away from me today, so I felt like Jehovah was reaching out to me at that very minute. And since the memorial of Jesus' death is right around the corner, the idea of the ransom sacrifice is on my mind. There's another scripture in Hebrews 4:14-16 that talks about how we have freeness of speech when it comes to talking to Jesus because we have as a savior not someone who can't sympathize with our weaknesses but one who went through the same tests we go through everyday. By coming to earth to die for us, Jesus can attest to how hard it is living in Satan's world all the while fighting to keep uplifted. I love Jesus for that! He is the bomb for doing that for me! And I am so happy that He knows how I feel and what I'm going through.

I say all that to say that it's clear Jehovah has my best interests at heart. I've been pretty strong since losing my job, and for some reason everything that I've been saying to myself about having faith in Jehovah's timing and the lessons that are meant for right now went right out the window this morning. But reading these scriptures recharges me and being allowed to talk to Jehovah through prayer because of Jesus leaves me thankful. I don't know where I would be if I couldn't pray and be heard by God. I'd be lying if I said everything was all good now, but I'm thankful for the reminder. I need these 'aha moments' to keep on coming to prevent me from falling too low.

I'm looking forward to showing my appreciation for the ransom sacrifice by being present at the Memorial on April 17th no matter what comes up. He said to 'keep doing this in remembrance of me' so I must do what the man says.  =)

Lessons Lessons Lessons

I've been hit over the head twice in one day in what I would call life-altering moments. As normal, my job ignited an anger in me that shouldn't have been lit. My boss was uncaring, unapproachable and rude when I tried to express the frustration that we feel when policies change from week to week. He made me feel small and stupid when I am anything but. I had a legitimate concern (what kind of company changes their policies to fit their feelings for the week) and he brushed me off. I can't explain the feeling that overcame me. My chest was filled with heat and I was ready to make him feel really dumb. But no sooner than when I started to formulate my response, I got a text message from my husband...

Ashanti said it in her song. "One day you're here and then you're gone." The sudden and unexpected death of my husband's friend straightened me out. As hearts were breaking and tears were pouring, nothing was more important than love and comfort at that moment. Out of all the deaths I've heard about over the past year, this one was the one that hit me the hardest. Not just because TJ was so close to my husband, but because I too had a brief but personal relationship with him. As he sat in my living room chair laughing and joking around, I would have never guessed that would be the last time I saw him.

So my two lessons? 1) There's no time for nonsense in this life. Life is too short for anger and contentions. Make it known how much you care for and love the people who are closest to you. Tomorrow they might not be here. While grief and mourning is very hard, the promise of the resurrection and paradise are more real to me than ever before. I am so so thankful that Jehovah has given us this relief. Without it, I would be a complete and utter mess. 2) Jesus was the best example of mildness. Under the worst of situations, Jesus maintained control at all times. He was wise and had an understanding of the injustices of this world as well as the goal and reward that laid before him. Fact: This job is unjust. So what will I do about it? The same thing Jesus would do. Be mild. "Behind the gentleness there is the strength of steel." That quote is so powerful. Yesterday I was weak. Today I will be strong. I will yield.

As TC said, 2011 will be the year of professional relief for me. I will not only find a job, but find one that works with my personality and desires. I have been and will continue to pray for the perfect match. I do not want another temporary job that I need to run away from. I need to focus on the more important things like my relationship with my husband and my family and friends. Nothing is more important that family and friends.

Adjustments

It's a ho hum kind of day. I think I missed the transition into fall. The rain and cold have invaded my territory. I can't believe the high is only 55 today. Nevertheless, I had a good weekend full of spiritual food. It's nice to get information that forces you to look at yourself and make changes that will put you in a better position for Jehovah's favor. Everyone needs a slap in the face every now and then to awaken from a state of comfort. The topic of materialism was huge. We received so many warnings that I would be foolish not to look at myself and apply the information. I must admit that I'm a little obsessed over fashion. Liking fashion in and of itself is not wrong, but it has to have the right priority in my life. I kinda need to be obsessed with my service to Jehovah before I become fixated on the fad of the season. I don't know how much of my thinking is given to fashion per day, but I know that I need to tailor it a bit. Or else I could end up crowding out what's most important. My attachment to material things will have a direct relationship to my survival through the great tribulation. How will I survive if I keep looking back at those new riding boots I just bought?

My action plan is to tailor how much time I focus on fashion. I get daily emails that point me towards something regarding fashion. I need to change those email preferences being that without those emails, I probably wouldn't look at it so much. While I also consider the text daily, I want to limit the attention I give towards fashion to once a week. That'll definitely give me more time to focus on my servitude. When I made my dedication to Jehovah, I vowed that I would live my life for him; that I would become His slave. I'm so glad that I received the warnings and that I'm taking steps the make the needed adjustment.

Marriage is going well. I really can't complain. We're in our 5th month and coming along quite nicely. I still like the man, so all is good! One of the main reasons why things are going so well is because of our weekly family worship. Taking time to discuss our issues, or whatever's on our minds, with the Bible is so helpful. For example, tonight we're going to review our notes from this weekend's assembly and figure out what changes we're going to make in order to draw closer to Jehovah. It's not a joke. The world, which Satan clearly has in his claws, is designed to tear us away from Jehovah. So we're going to work to combat that. They are too many distractions out here for us not to have a plan. So yeah, we're doing well. We're keeping Jehovah as that third cord, and it's proving to work! I am so happy to have MJ. I couldn't imagine being headed by anyone else. He's perfect for me.