Thursday, November 15, 2012

10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew About Men

Interesting article, especially since I know all 10 are true of my husband. Stuff for me to ponder on. Thanks for sending Tiff.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Ran-Dumb Thoughts (Special Edition)

I'm struggling
I think I'm getting sick
And marriage has been incredibly hard
It's internally hard
There's not a day that goes by where I'm not fighting myself
Fighting not to say something
Fighting not to nag
Fighting to do what's unnatural
Fighting to be upbuilding
Fighting to remember what the Bible says to do
This morning, there was a serious war in my brain
Do I push him to get up since he's late?
Will he think I'm nagging?
Is there a way I can say it nicely?
Just don't say anything at all
He's grown
He knows what time he needs to be at work
But wouldn't it be considered helpful?
Looking out for his best interest?
Especially since he has to leave on time today
That means he'll have to stay late one day
I hate it when he stays late
Is it my job to make him a better man?
Just shutup J
That's what I did this morning while trying to snuggle into him
For 15 minutes straight
Every single minute that I'm around him seems to be like that
A constant battle
Cannons and rifles and knifes
Shots and screams and explosions
That's how I feel internally
And when I say it's like that every single minute I'm around him
My mind moves a mile a minute
It's tiring
And when he reads this
I wonder if he'll use it against me
Will my super active mind come up in discussion
Or even an argument
I'm trying to be the best me
Which is why it moves like that
Trying to think before I act
Find the right course
Find the path of least resistance
I want to do the right thing
Cause the least amount of stress as possible
I want to be the best me
But maybe the best 'me' is not stress free?
But I've begun to question whether it's 'me' he wants
Perhaps he doesn't like my natural 'me'
So how do I be 'me'
I want to be his buddy
I want to be his roll dog
I want us to have each other's backs
I want us to be close
But in reality
I'm his wife
And not in a good way either
I think he sees me as his mate that tries to keep him in line
The nagging one
The strict one
The enforcer
I'd rather not be those things
I'd rather not have to nag
I'd rather not have to say 'Can you clean the...'
I wish the household tasks where like a robotic machine
All wheels, rivets and gears did what they should do without word
I don't know
It's hard to be a wife
To have this craving for a man
And to be the backbone of the house
And to be the backbone of the man
To encourage
To be chill
To be fun
To be sweet
To sex
To cook
To clean
I have so many roles
So many support function
I feel like I'm juggling 10 balls
And not doing a very good job of it
I'm not balancing them all correctly
And that's why he doesn't like 'me'
Every day is a constant struggle
We're not as close as we used to be
And it breaks my heart
But I can't say anything
Because I'm just drunk off love
I'm extra
I'm over and above
He says love is not like that
He rolls his eyes or laughs
Or worse
Gets sad
Then I made him sad
I'm not being encouraging
I'm not lifting him up
I failed as a wife
What it is to be a wife
I had no idea
I have to be everything
And I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing
I'm trying to smile
Trying to be 'cool'
Trying to be 'fun'
Whatever he wants me to be
I want to be it all for him
Because I crave him
I need to touch him
Feel his heat
Hold his hand
I love it when he lays his hand on me in bed
He probably thinks its nothing
And it means nothing to him
But for me it's everything
It begins fills the gaping hole I have to feel 'in love'
It makes me feel like he recognizes me
It makes me feel like he appreciates how hard I'm working
How much I DON'T say
I know that's not what he's thinking
But I like to imagine
To remember the single moments when he touches me
I don't know why I'm crying
I'm overwhelmed by life I guess
I wonder if he'll ever be into me like he was
Or will I always feel like something on his to do list
Will he ever again take my face in his hands and say something beautiful
Will he ever nervously wonder if I'll be with him forever
Will he ever again think I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him
Or is all that a distant memory?
I want us to be solid
'Solid as a rock'
But I feel we're fighting to hold on
Fighting for peace
And it's with this fight that I'm pressing forward with
At the same time though...
I'm struggling

Friday, November 02, 2012

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

My favorite day of the week. Friday. There will always be something about this day. No matter how long or work-ish it is, it's still a good day.

i hate my car
so much
i used to love Missy
but everytime the fuse box comes loose
or the CD button falls
or the cap on the end of my seat gets separated
i want to toss her away
and for that very reason I figured out what I want to do with my money
pay off my credit cards
and save up for a down payment
forget about the brighter winter wardrobe
forget about appliances for the house
forget about everything
i want a car
that is my number 2 priority after paying down debt
i'm almost done with my AmEx though
i'll be under a thousand with another paycheck
and then i'll take my third check of the month and put a grand on my Citi
these 2 credit cards WILL be conquered!
i need new glasses
when i drive in the dark, i see nothing but sparkles and glares
all the headlights and stoplights
it's bad
i feel like my mother
"i can't drive past 8pm!"
i guess i hate my glasses too
i thought about something last night
since my license plate is connected to my old address...
...where would a speeding ticket go?
not saying I am getting any
but I really don't know
i have a pretty heavy foot and I'm surprised I haven't received any
it's like the calm before the storm
or maybe I just don't have any
hubby was in a bad mood this morning
i had so much to tell him too
but the 'hey booper!' attitude wasn't there
he needs his space
what else?
i need to look at my budget again and see about this ski trip
my good friends are going
so naturally it'll be fun
i've never skied or snowboarded either
i've been wanting to do that for a while
i'm trying to figure out something else to talk about
not ready for work yet
i got a lot done yesterday
i feel like i deserve a break
working hard two days in a row?!
i'ma focus on one thing today
that's as much as i can do
i want to go to the movies so bad
i'm feenin for a good movie
there are no love stories in the theatre now
i want to see something romantic
something that touches my heart
my co-worker said to rent The English Patient
anyone seen that?
my eyes are getting heavy
we had a nap room at The Washington Post
shouldn't every office have a nap room?
it would only be fair
i'm getting better with my prayers
sometimes when i pray, my mind drifts
but i've been staying focused
it also helps when i write my prayers down
that's what i told my Bible study to do
she doesn't pray at all
she feels like Jehovah won't listen to her
lots of people have been there
including me
she only needs to start and work in harmony with her prayers
my manager has been working from home all week
it was so nice
why couldn't he close out the week and work from home today?
to work i go

Related Posts with Thumbnails