No Fear

Sometimes you have to make drastic changes in your life in order to enrich your relationship with God. Are you willing to do so? Or do you let fear get in the way of a deeper connection to your God?

Failing A Spiritual Test

Jehovah, Jehovah, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in loving-kindness. - Ex. 34:6

"The Devil will be destroyed because that is what he deserves, but he would like to have you feel that you deserve the same judgment. (Rev. 20:10) Do not let Satan succeed in this scheme to destroy your faith. (Eph. 6:11) Instead, "take your stand against him" in this regard, even as you do in other ways. (1 Pet. 5:9) At Revelation 12:10, Satan is called "the accuser of our brothers". He "accuses them day and night" before God. Reflecting on that verse may help you to see that Satan, the false accuser, would be pleased if you were to accuse and condemn yourself, although Jehovah does not do so. (1 John 3:19-22) Why keep on agonizing over your failings to such an extent that you feel like giving up? Do not let Satan destroy your relationship with God. Never let the Devil blind you to the fact that Jehovah is good."

I feel like I've been failing lately... so this was right on time.

"Every New Breath Is A New Opportunity"

Question for the Readers on Love

Last night I had Tyrese's song "Lately" in my head. You know, the one that goes "have I told you I love you lately?" Well I don't know how this happened but I managed to harpoon on the word "love" and went into this deep spiral of thought and research into what love really is. =/ You should have seen me. I had my Bible out, my journal was in my lap, the web was up, and tons of Bible literature were scattered around me on the bed. Let me tell you, a girl surely knows how to research when she's motivated! Ha! Anyway, with all my research, I came to one important question.

Let me give you some background. There are four types of love according to the scriptures. There's storagé which is familial love, then you have philía which is friendly love, éros which is romantic love, and finally agape which is that all encompassing, greatest type of love. The very principle of love itself. The love that Jesus has for us. The love that is more important than the others. You know.. Christian love. When in relationships, a lot of people distinguish between loving someone and being in love with someone. Because there is a difference right? Or maybe not. I'm not sure how I feel about the terminology now-a-days. When I was younger, I was all into the idea of falling in love - that sweeping emotional, sentimental, head over heels notion where the sun rises with his smile and when he's not near I cease to breathe. I know you all know what I'm talking about. lol. But as I get older, I realize that's not true love. If I were to pursue a relationship based on romantic love, the chances are that it won't last. Love is not a feeling. It's deeper than that. It's long-suffering, kind, patient, rejoices with truth, faithful, bears all things, endures all things, etc. You guys know the scripture. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) Feelings change. Éros comes and goes. Especially when's there are arguments to be had. Feel me?

So here's my question. Considering everything I've stated above, in order to marry someone, is falling in love all that important? If you have that crazy agape love for someone - the love that never fails and endures all, it's faithful and respectful, it cherishes and nutures - is it necessary to have romantic love? Of course the perfect answer is to have both, but I'm asking the more difficult question. Do you have to love (agape) AND be in love (éros) with someone to marry them? Would you consider marrying someone that you simply loved without all the romance present? Perhaps the romance will come right? I feel like people used to do this all the time in arranged marriages. But what about in today's society? How important is the romance, the stuff that love songs are made out of, the goosebumps that you get when the love overwhelms you...?

Hit me!

New Purchase

This is going to do wonders for me. I'm proud of my new purchase. Get it right, get it tight J!

An All Day Long Post

I'm trying my darndest to get over this cold. As soon as I got home from the Erro show, I felt it. I knew I was going down. The weekend was so busy though that I didn't really get a chance to sit down and rest. I guess that's what sick days are for. My head is still dripping. If I could just get this mucus out...

I'm in love with tennis shoes again. Check out this boutique for women. http://www.myspace.com/kendolosangeles (scroll all the way through to the right) These shoes are dangerous! Jenn, Krysti, and I are going to go off in this place this weekend. Hopefully I can maintain my self-control and stick to one pair. My friend says that there's nothing wrong with being a shoe ho. lol.

So I guess we're about to be stuffed full of 50 vs. Kanye stuff for the rest of the week huh? Not looking forward to it.

This weekend should be fun. A BBQ at Kenneth Hahn park, shopping on Melrose with the girls, running around downtown for whatever reason. I might even go the aquarium. Goodness I love it here.

Speaking of loving it here, I know that Charlotte is going to be something new. I know that I'm not going to have what I have here. I know that it's not going to be as marvelous as LA, but I'm okay with that. Charlotte is going to be especially good for my spirituality. Whenever I'm alone and new, I tend to focus on my spirituality. Hopefully what happened here won't happen there though. Once I get good, I usually put my spirituality on the back burner. We'll see. I need to move to recharge so to speak. Find out who I am separate from all the razzle dazzle of it all. Maybe I'll be back?

I'm having financial problems, but I think I'm going to go ahead and buy my camera.

I'm in a Van Hunt, Maxwell, Raheem DeVaughn, D'Angelo mood. "Make You Feel Beautiful" is on right now. Jenn is right. This is a beautiful song. I remember when he dedicated it to me.

I'm off Friday. Not sure what I'll do yet. Don't really feel like the beach or the park like I usually do. I think I'll start throwing out stuff. Purge my life of all the crap in my place. Less is better. Maybe I'll even wash my dishes. =/ I HATE washing my dishes. They've been there for so long. I should probably also go to the gym. I just did my hair but I'm willing to sacrifice the pretty press for a healthy body. Friday would be a perfect day for a photography class. In fact, I'm going to look one up right now... Okay. Found one for the 22nd and 23rd. I'm enrolled! I love how Boeing pays for classes. I'll practice my photo taking skills on Friday so I can have something to go off of.

It's lunch time. I'll be back...

I spent my lunch choking on cereal. Geez.

Now I'm in a Power Women mood. I just posted those videos of Mya, JLo and Kelly. Get it girls. Fashionistas all the way! The only thing I want of theirs is their stylists. If I could wear stuff like that everyday, I would be more than happy. Actually I'll also take their concerts too. You know how I love to be on stage. While at the Beyonce concert, I was thinking "Man. I could be one of Bey's backup dancers. How awesome would that be? Running around the country dancing with the Beyonce Experience." I don't think I would do it long though. Just long enough for me to get a taste.

I'm going to Charlotte in three weeks to participate in 2 conferences. One for the Association for the Study of African-American Life and History and the other for the Partners for Environmental Progress Summit. It's going to be a lot of work, but fun (I hope). At least I get to see my Kiamsha family along with my mom and best friend.

I've had my heart in a headlock for a while but I'm slowly beginning to let go. I'm thinking about things I've never thought of before where love is concerned. It's funny how things go, how time changes everything. Speaking of love, I haven't talked to my little sis in a while. I miss her. She's a senior in college with a bf in tote so I know she has a lot going on. Since we're with different cellular providers, it's hard to talk. When we do, it's usually for hours so we gotta work it when it's free. Hopefully I'll get to catch up with her this weekend.

The day's almost over. I'll probably go pick up Kanye before I go home. I don't feel like going to the gym, so I'll do some cardio in the house. I need to do something being that I told everyone to report their exercise in to me tomorrow. Can't have everyone exercising and I didn't do my part. I have to go to the hall tonight anyway. There's no time to prepare for the meeting and go to the gym. Well actually there is but I'll be rushing and I don't want to do that. Yeah, I'll definitely do it in the house. Or maybe I'll run around the block a couple of times.

Tomorrow I'm going to do some real work. I promise. =)

New Videos - The Women Are Rockin!

She's so beautiful!



You know this is from her personal experience. =/



I don't care what anyone says. She will always be my girl. Yeah it's a bit extra but so what.

Boys Boys Boys! (Eric, Jesse, and Curt)

Happy Friday boys and girls!

I had a man feast last night.
It was almost too much to take.
But I took it like a trooper.
Sopped it up in fact. =)

I saw Eric Roberson last night.
Off the hook!
Every time I see him I fall in love just a little deeper.
I was emotionally exhausted by the time the show was over.
All that deep, sentimental, touching ish.
Phew!
You know what would be perfect?
A duet with Eric and Teedra.
Better yet, a whole entire album.
I would just about loose my mind.
Musical orgasm.
That would be a dream.

Check out www.myspace.com/jesseboykinsiii .
He opened for Eric.
I believe that I have a thing for young boys that can sing.
Him, Trey Songz (who I am crazy about by the way), Omarion.
A young man that knows his talent and sings his heart out.
A young man that just gets it.
Understands the power of lyrics.
Especially when they're singing to a female.
Geez Louise it's sexy!
Young men that are serious and mature about their passions...
Yeah.
That gets me.
Especially when they're gorgeous. (Trey)

And now here's my special tribute to my man in neon tennis shoes and spikes.
Mr. Curt Chambers.
(He supported Eric with his amazing skills.)
http://www.myspace.com/curtchambers
*sigh*
When I tell you that all the ladies love him, I'm not kidding.
This man...
*sigh*
*close my eyes and rock back and forth*
Oh my goodness.
There is nothing that I can say to explain this man's magnificence.
It's just one of those things you have to see for yourself.
But ladies, let me tell you that once you see him live, it's over.
You will forever and ever be lost.
The way he cuddles his guitar.
The facial expressions he makes during his musical rendezvous.
The smile that takes over his beauty when he's performing.
The sexiness that seeps from his skin when he sings.
The veins in his arms that bulge when he strums.
Oh oh..
Wait.
Let me come back to you...
okay.
Sorry.
I'm here.
Cot Dang he's fine!
http://www.curtchambers.com/photos.html
http://blip.tv/file/217390
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fi0_1B7fq78
I just can't get over this guy.
http://www.myspace.com/curtgaschambers
http://www.myspace.com/franklinbridge
Okay, let me stop.
Check out his band, Franklin Bridge, on The Next Great American Band produced by Simon Fuller on October 19th on FOX.
His band has made it to the top ten!
Let's hope Simon's eyes and ears are open.
Rock on Curt!
Lol.

Have a great weekend people!

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

Morning Blogworld. I had another bad dream. Yesterday I almost killed someone and last night someone almost killed me. I also had a dream last night where I witnessed the most heart crushing break up ever. It's weird...these dreams of mine. I woke again at 4:30 in the morning. I guess my body's still on eastern standard time. My vacation was good, but I didn't get that full peaceful experience I was looking for. I did a lot of bumming around. Sitting in the sun. Dancing on the beach. Exercising on the shore. Seemed peaceful enough but my mind ran a mile a minute. For the entire time. I haven't been able to quiet my mind for a while now. Last night I tried to do so, but just ended up falling asleep. I turned down the tv so that I could have 15 minutes of peace until my show came on. But to no avail... There used to be a time when I could lay and just meditate. In high school, my track coach did this exercise with us where we laid on the floor and concentrated on our muscles one at a time, contracting them and then releasing them. From our foot muscles up to our neck muscles. I was able to release all my tension right into the floor under me. I felt like I weighed a ton of bricks when it was time to get up. I was so heavy. My entire body was relaxed. It was great. Now-a-days I can't seem to keep quiet long enough to make that happen. I can't stay free enough to focus on my breathing. Have you ever craved stillness? I'm reading a book about a woman who's having the same problem. I wish I could learn from her experiences but my disdain for her is too strong. Have you ever disliked the protagonist of a story? I don't know why I don't like her. Maybe it's because she's too dramatic. I understand what she's feeling but she's making too big a deal out of it. Maybe I just don't like the fact that she had to write a 300 page book about it. I don't know. I'm not sure why I feel that way... as much writing as I do. The one thing that I think I can meditate on is music. I'd like to lay on my bed, turn up my stereo really loud, and listen to the instrumental of Kanye's new album with my eyes closed. I'd like to feel the beat in my chest and let the violins and the keyboards and whatever else 'Ye uses just surround me. Lift me up off of my bed and be high. I saw Bey in concert on Sunday, so I've been intentionally listening to a lot of her music. She said in one of her songs that she loves him more than music. Can you imagine that? For a music lover to love someone more than music? WOW. Would you give up music for someone? But anyway, Bey was just as expected. Sensational. Thanks to my boy, JennWill and I got upgraded to suite seats. That was wonderful. I got to dance my little Beyonce butt all around the suite to my satisfaction. Got a little workout too. Speaking of workouts, I need to get back on my regiment. Tighten up this body of mine. Now that I've began the Nationwide Fitness Club and started tracking my food and exercise, I can't look at a piece of fried chicken like I used to. During the family reunion, my great aunt asked why I wasn't eating and I responded that I can't really do soul food anymore. She proceeded to yell something about it not being soul food. She said it was regular food. See. That's our problem. When we start calling fried chicken, mac and cheese, greens with neckbones, red beans and rice, sweet potatoes and rolls a regular meal, we're doomed. That's a once in a while treat. It should not be the norm. So even though I ate more than I should have during the family reunion, I did pretty well. I did have a lot of apple pie and ice cream though. At all hours of the night too. I just love apple pie and ice cream. My favorite dessert in the whole wide world. Speaking of dessert, it's so freakin hot in LA! (I know the two have nothing to do with one another but that's where my mind took me.) I thought it was hot in Myrtle Beach. Shoo... I've been sweating non-stop since I stepped off the plane. You almost have to take one step and pat yourself off, take another and pat again. I do love the nights though. Warm nights are wonderful. Not too hot, but warm enough to avoid another layer of clothing. Clothes are the enemy. Light, loose, short, little dresses are the best weapon. I got a new straw hat yesterday. I love it! An apparently so did a lot of people I passed by while on Venice Beach yesterday. I got a lot of compliments on it. Good thing this is a four day week. Can you believe it's already September 4th? Kids are going back to school already. Starting a fresh new year. Before we know it, the new year will be here. You know what song I really like? Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry". I really feel those lyrics. "I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal, myself and I. We've got some straightenin' out to do. And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket. But I've got to get a move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now. And big girls don't cry." That's perfect. Speaking of straightening out, our circuit assembly is this upcoming weekend. (I wish he could/would come.) I'm looking forward to 2 days of spiritual food. I need it. I need to be inundated. I feel like I've been depleted. At last year's assembly, I was scared straight. Right into tears actually. I believe it was around this time last year that I made my dedication to God in my heart. I just wish I could do so publicly in baptism. But that'll come when the time is right. I'm not ready right now anyway. I have some straightening out to do. I think the move will be good for that. I'm distracted in LA. I just need a good year. Perhaps I'll come back. Perhaps I won't. The crystal ball isn't clear enough to tell. Looks like I need to get back on the grind where this move is concerned. It's such a burden. Grinding... I just want to snap my fingers and be ready. Getting ready is hard. I had a good Bible discussion yesterday. I actually enjoyed it. I thought it was going to be miserable but we actually got somewhere. It was really productive. AND it was only for an hour. I love short and to the point. I think that's where the miserable comes in. Long drawn out and unorganized stuff. I'm a short and sweet and on the subject girl. Things could be so good if we... There goes that "if" again. I could use an apple or a banana right now. My co-workers are still not in. I've been here since 6. Why do I come in so early? To get off early ding bat. Oh yeah. I enjoy my LA afternoons. I could be laying on the beach at 4pm. That's the main thing I'm going to miss. The beach. I love the beach. I love beaches. Especially ones with blue water. I can't wait to go to Jamaica and the Cayman Islands in January. Jamaica's beaches are incredible. I miss Jamaica. Hmm.. I have a lot to say this morning huh? I just don't want to move on yet. I have more regular morning routine, but I'm not ready yet. I don't want to yet... I just want to write and listen to Kanye. His music is so nice. It's SO NICE. Skip "Stronger" though. His choruses are always so tight. So beautiful. "I wonder if you know what it means to find your dreams come true." How pretty. You wonder if I know what it means to find my dreams come true. I actually don't. My true dreams? My true heart's desires? Nope. I don't know what it means to have those come true. But that's partially my fault. Perhaps I'm just not ready for them yet. Sometimes I wish I could live in a fairy tale. Experience all my dreams come to fruition. All I want is everything. Is that so bad? I just want to be a princess in a tower and be saved and life happily ever after. Dah well! I'm a Black American Princess with real problems, real struggles and a real life to live. All is good. Life is a blessing. Positive thinking right Dame? I saw "Last Holiday" during my vacation. You know, the movie with Queen Latifah in which she thinks she has 2 weeks to live? It was actually pretty inspirational. I definitely don't live life like it's my last day. I'm always looking ahead for what might come. Life in the moment. It's so hard to do, but I'll try. Have a good day/week everyone. Take care of yourself. No, really... Take care of yourself.

Bye

I leave tomorrow. Tomorrow's Saturday right? My family reunion has always been so far away that I just assumed that I had time. When my dad said "see you in a couple of days", I was like "huh?" The 25th has always been some far off date looming in the horizon. Well, it's definitely tomorrow. Guess I should pack a bag or two. Myrtle Beach here I come. Have a great week everyone. See ya after labor day.

My Mom and Me

So I had one of those full-blown, yelling, crying, angry phone conversations with my mom yesterday. I had so many emotions pinned up in me that I improperly released much of it on her. I can't say that I regret any of it though. I didn't say anything disrespectful so I have nothing to regret. I was just expressing how I feel the best way I could. I've been trying to make some very hard decisions on my own lately and the feelings of lonliness, seclusion, bitterness, anger and misery that I've been feeling over the last month violently boiled over. The fact that my mom was married with children by the time she was my age makes me feel like she has no idea what's it like to be me. To be a struggling, professional, single, young woman in a foreign place without the care of someone to pick me off of the ground when all I need is a hug. It appears that I've been falling a lot lately, but oddly enough, it's not the falling that hurts. It's the feeling that I'm doing it alone, that no one understands, and that no one's there to pick me up. Sometimes when I come home from work with my bag on my shoulder, my books under my arm, my mail under my chin, my cell phone in one hand, and my keys in the other, I just want to drop to the floor. Getting down there is easy. Getting up isn't. And then to get up only to attempt at trying to 1. figure out whether I'm moving across the country before my lease is up on the 31st, 2. fix myself a meal, 3. go through my bills, 4. clean up the mess I just dropped in the middle of my floor, 5. get some spiritual food into my system, and 6. meditate on my relationship with Jehovah which I feel like is falling apart - it's no joke. And most of the time I get so overwhelmed with the first "to do" on my list that nothing else gets done. My mom had a whole different set of issues when she was my age, but she had my dad. I don't think she understands that. Having a partner in crime can lighten the load. (At least when you're newly married like she was before you start hating your partner in crime. lol) She always makes everything sound like it's so easy. But there's only so much advice that she can give me. I'm in a different fight. I do appreciate her strength though. While I wailed and even kinda blamed her for forcing me out to California against my wishes, she stayed there. For 1 hour and 22 minutes, she stayed. She calmed me down and was amazing. I think (KNOW) I have it rough, but wow... the things mom's have to do. At the end of the conversation, my mom said she was glad we talked. We talk all the time, everyday actually, but this was the first time in a long time that I've had an explosion in her face. The last time in fact was in high school when she said that I looked like a ho. lol. (Yes I was dressed inapproprately.) Oh the memories!

Sheer Dreams and Desires

Every morning, I read for about an hour before people start coming in to work. I forgot how much I love to read. Transporting myself to another land and time seems the perfect solution when things in your own life aren’t simply delicious. So today I’m reading about this woman’s experiences in Italy and it’s fabulous (while listening to the smooth sounds of Rachelle Farrell). The simple phrases and sentences she tosses around leave sweet cravings in my mouth. “Then we went to a bakery. A small, innocuous bakery hidden in a basement in a nondescript district in Rome” or “I walk past an average of about a dozen Italian men a day whom I could easily imagine in my bed. Or in theirs. Or wherever. To my taste, the men in Rome are ridiculously, hurtfully, stupidly beautiful.” Lol. I love this. ‘Stupidly beautiful’. “For the longest time I couldn’t even touch this food because it was such a masterpiece of lunch, a true expression of the art of making something out of nothing…I went and sat in a patch of sunbeam on my clean wooden floor and ate every bite of it, with my fingers, while reading my daily newspaper article in Italian. Happiness inhabited my every molecule.” Geez. Can I have some?

I think this is what I’ll do all next week. Read and eat in the sun. Transport myself to the streets and neighborhoods of Italy and then come back to the sounds of ocean and wind. Sounds nice right? I think my author goes to India next. I’ve never visited India. I can’t wait to see what that’s like. =)

Hey. You know what? Something just clicked. I don’t know a lot of things right now. I’m in the middle of some very hard decisions making this one of the hardest periods in my 24 years on earth. But what I do know is that I want to be somewhere far. I want to sit by the fountains in Paris and people watch. I want to feast my eyes on the architecture of Rome. I want to dance in the Venice sun. I just want to go away and listen to couples speak in their native tongue. I want to admire them. Experience them. I want to wander through cobblestone markets and buy a single peach that’s been kissed by the Roman sun. I want to wear a scarf around my neck and pin my hair up in a bun… Yeah. That’s what I want. If I could have anything I wanted, I’d quit today and be on a plane to Europe tomorrow. But that’s only if I could have anything I wanted… Sheer dreams and desires.

Find the Way

I feel so wack. Just all around out of order. Like I'm floating in the air and I can't find anything to hold on to in order to keep me from floating off into space. I'm just uncomfortable. There are some instances in life where you feel so on. In complete control. Powerful. High-stepping.

You ever feel like you need to pray but you have no idea what to say or if Jehovah will even listen to you? There's so much going on and you don't know where to start? You want your prayers to be effective but you don't know how to make them so?

I'm cold so I turn on my heater. I turn on my heater but it gets too hot. What's up with that? I guess I'll put on another sweater.

I need a little Eric Roberson in my life. I keep looking for things to listen to, but everything I play is wack. "Find the Way". This will work. "How can I have you and never really have you. At least not like I want to. Your heart should not be shared. One should not be compared to any other love that's there. That's just not fair. I'm down to lose you for a chance to gain you. Even if all I gain is the respect you see in me. I'm willing to set you free. All I offer you is honesty. I mean that honestly. You know that I need you but girl not this way. I want so much more than what you give today. To show you I want you, I push you away. It's clear to me girl. I trust that in the end we'll find a way." I so feel these lyrics. "If you never come around, I will never fall in love again, with you. Cuz it belongs to you." Mmm. Eric Roberson is incredible. I wish I could write like that. He captures such a great emotion.

I laid on the beach yesterday. There's something about the beach. I embrace the solitude and the sun's heat. I feel like I can breathe out there. Forget the fact that I was drenched in sweat and had sand everywhere. I even had to wash my hair!

I think the majority of people in this world do the best they can at pushing on. Nothing's ever 100% okay, but people must do their best to put smiles on their faces and handle their business. To fail at this - putting on the forced smile - is to basically fail at life. Our struggle is not to be negative in a world full of negativity and disappointment. We all have to "find the way". Do whatever's best for you. Whatever grants you the most peace. Just survive.

I'm cold again. Very cold as a matter of fact. I prefer the heat. I'll sweat before I'll freeze.

Love. It takes so long for me to fall. Or rather to 'walk in love'. No falling right? Eric Roberson has another song in which he says that it's too soon to say I love you. Yeah. True dat. Funny how I don't mind hearing it though.

5 more days until vacation. I need to buy a new journal before I go. I'm sure I'll do a lot of writing. Vacations always call for some sort of revelation-filled experience. Mom, dad, aunts, uncles, cousins... we're always talking about something deep around the living room. Especially within our first few days together. Hopefully by the time I leave, I'll be mended and ready to go.

Won't someone just tell me where I need to be?

Insane Mind

10:45pm - I'm in an expressionless mood. The fan is blowing from my left. I hear a helicopter overhead. Imogen Heap is playing from my computer. I feel stress free. The sounds are tranquilizing. I'm resting my face on my knee at the moment. I'm most comfortable with my legs curled up on the seat. Feet flat on the floor? Legs at a 90 degree angle. No can't do that. Not for long. At least one has to be tucked. To be entirely comfortable, that is. My hair is in a ponytail, but plenty of strands didn't make it. They're brushing across my neck. It's the fan. Some are tickling my ear. I just changed positions. Laying on my side. Propped up on my elbow. Still typing to Imogen Heap. If I could be anywhere - I picture myself on the back of a ship. Staring into the dark. Imagining the world passing me by. It's complicated and underrated. I hope you overstand. I would love to fly around stage to "Hide and Seek". Become a firefly lighting my way across empty space. "The sweeping insensitivity of this still life." Do you know what's it like to lose yourself inside your own heart? I feel that while in moments on stage. "Mmm Whatcha say? Mm That you only meant well. Well of course you did. Mm Whatcha say? Mm That it's all for the best. Of course it is. Mm Whatcha say? Mm That's it's just what we need and you decided this? Whatcha say?" Give people the opportunity to decide. "You don't care a bit." Ever met someone who didn't care? It hurts. How about someone who cared but acted different? I feel a weakness coming on. But I remain the same. Just for now. I need to grow some more. I will not become brand new, just new. Can we all just settle down please? What is the big deal? Why must we fight? Look at her in the eyes. I'm sure you can see her heart. Her intentions are pure. Remember the difference between what's real and what's not. We aren't for each other. We miss each other. Passing by to the left. But we'll never see. 11:54pm.

Boulevard 3 - Raheem, Chrisette and Common

Heineken and Vibe presented the Red Star Soul Concert Series at Boulevard 3 last night. (If the series is coming to your town, definitely check it out.) The venue was absolutely fabulous! (Click here to check it out.) JennWill and I wondered why we never frequent this place. I think it just might become one of our new hang out spots. But anyway, Brandy, Derek Luke, Omar Epps and his lady Kiesha (from Total), Tichina Arnold, Malinda Williams, other celebrities, JennWill and I (along with a whole bunch of random people of course) partied the night away with performances by Raheem DeVaughn, Chrisette Michelle, and Common for free. Can you believe that? $free.99! I must admit that I wasn't going to go at first because the finals of So You Think You Can Dance were on, but JennWill laughed at me so much that I felt stupid and had to go. =) But anyway, I've never seen Common perform so I was shocked by the amount of energy and actual show that he put on. He did his joint "Testify" and actually acted out the whole thing! It was great! I have a whole new found respect for him. Not to mention that the man was/is sexy too. I can't believe he's not married!!! Anyway, here are some pics from our night.



Notice the "green". Heineken went all out. Oh and since they were giving away free Heineken's, JennWill and I had our first last night. I must say that it wasn't that bad, but if I'm going to drink beer, I prefer a Corona.



These were our lovely hosts. He's from DC and she's from NY. Forgot their names, but the chick is on BET. Oh, there was a really heavy representation of my DC peoples last night. Weird. GREAT but weird.



And here's Raheem doing his thang. He had us all singing together which was very cute.



I doubt that we had such a heavy representation of DC folk because of him, but it was nice when he went through the go-go set. It took me back...



Now this girl..! She sang the mess out of her set. Gorgeous as can be too!



I believe she was singing "If I Have My Way" here. The girl was on point.



And the highlight of the evening. I didn't even notice the Heineken's in this pic. That's perfect! lol. I must say that my photography skills are coming along. So what if I didn't intend to capture the sponsoring product!



So sweaty! And so beautiful.



You know what I loved the most about him. Not only did he connect with us, but he had fun. He smiled the whole time and just rocked with us. He had the whole room bouncing with him and reciting his lyrics. And he's crystal clear! Every single word and rhyme could be heard. No stumbling, mumbling or anything! Now that's a professional.



LOL. Okay, let me explain this. That Rich Boy song came on, which I heard for the first time last night. JennWill has been talking about this dance for a while, however neither one of us had seen it. So when the song came on, and the host was looking around for people who knew the dance to come on stage, we too were straining our necks to find someone. Lo and behold, right behind us, my friend who kept dripping water on me from his Heineken bottle (pictured above), was in full effect!! He was sooo good! lol. I almost wanted to ask him to teach me how to do it. The pose he's doing now is the "superman". It was hilarious how down and ghetto the dance is, and then all of a sudden when Rich Boy says "superman", we get this!! Lol. I wish I could see a whole room of people do this dance. So much fun!

I will miss this.. Random, unbelievable concerts in the middle of the week for free with celebrities. You know we ain't getting that in North Cacallac.

"Old" Whitney

I'm watching a Whitney Houston marathon on VH1 Soul (yay cable!) and I feel like I just listened to "Greatest Love of All" for the first time.

"Because the greatest Love of all is happening to me

I found the greatest love of all inside of me

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve learning to love yourself,

it is the greatest love of all"

Yay! Did you know the lyrics were about loving yourself? I sure didn't!

How about this one?

"I get so emotional baby

Everytime I think of you

I get so emotional baby

Ain't it shocking what love can do"

Remember that?

How about this one? This one in particular touched my heart this evening.

"Where do broken hearts go

Can they find their way home

Back to the open arms

Of a love that's waiting there

And, if somebody loves you

Won't they always love you

I look in your eyes

And I know that you still care

For me"

Man, Whitney was fabulous back in the day. The ripped up jeans, tank top, black leather jacket and big curly hair. Old Whitney was great right?

What's your Favorite "Old" Whitney song?

Rambling

Ugh. I'm dying today. I feel like I'm slowly decaying sitting in front of this computer. Please release me from this bondage!! I already took a walk around the building this morning to break the chains shackling me to my desk. I don't know why I'm feeling like this all of a sudden. I never used to hate coming to work. I think it's because I'm getting anxious. I have so much to look forward to and it'll all start when I give my 2 weeks notice. Do you HAVE to give 2 weeks notice? Why can't you come in on Monday and say that your last day is Friday? Forget work etiquette! I've been listening to this same CD for hours. I must be on the 4th rotation. I really feel like a robot. So monotonous. So boring. 2 hours and 15 minutes to go. Lord help me please. My performance evaluation meeting with my manager will kill some time off this long grueling wait period. I wonder if I should mention my ideas to her. She's going to want to know why my plans for school have changed. And since that's enumerated on my performance evaluation, I think I owe her an explanation. The question is, do I need to tell her everything? I'm all for honesty, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but she's on a need to know basis. And she doesn't need to know. At least not yet. I'm not going to do or say anything until I get back from Myrtle Beach. I'm not even going to think about any of this until after Myrtle Beach. In the meantime, j.a.c., Suck It Up. Go to work, change your attitude about your job, and be happy. =( Yes ma'am... It's funny how I just wrote a really encouraging journal entry last night, but somehow feel like I need to read it again to feel encouraged today. How soon we forget huh? I suddenly have nothing else to say. I guess that's all folks.

Old Friends and Sweat

I had a pretty good weekend. How about you?


Friday, I hooked up with my college homie who I haven't seen since graduation. It was really good to see him. We fell right back in like not of minute of time had passed. We then got with JenWill and her friends and went to a series of spots. All of them were VERY nice. It was my first time partying downtown so I was surprised by the venues. The parties weren't all that great, but you would never guess the magnficence that downtown LA can host being that it looks so cruddy from the outside. lol.


Saturday, I hung out with my kids at the performing arts academy. Michael Ealy stopped by to speak to the kids. It wasn't until I got into my car and drove away that I was able to scream. lol. You have no idea what I was feeling when that man walked into the room. That was the best surprise ever. After getting myself together =), I met up with another old friend on Melrose. It was nice to sit and drink milkshakes together. We haven't talked in a while so we did all the catching up we could before our parking meters ran out. I love sitting outside on Melrose by the way. I would sit out there everyday if I could.


Saturday night, JennWill and I went to Wilshire Royale where we had the most incredible time of our lives. ?uestlove, our lovely DJ of the night, TORE THE PLACE DOWN. I knew ?uestlove was talented, but I was not aware of the deejay-ing skills. I mean, he had us rocking to the Sesame Street theme! Genius! The whole room was on a music high. You know how a song comes on and everyone throws their hands in the air and looks at perfect strangers with huge smiles on their faces and bonds in an unprecedented way? Yeah, well we did that all night. Everyone was so dag on happy! It was great! Harmony at its best. We danced so hard that I had sweat trickling down my back. I felt so icky especially because my back was out and I thought that people could see the beads of sweat running down, but I had nothing to worry about. When I looked around shirts were soaked, hair-dos fell flat and the Royale's windows were fogged up. It was amazing... I think JennWill and I will be following ?uestlove around the city from now on for the perfect exercising opportunity. =)


On Sunday, I hung out with the Williams sisters all day. We visited a new congregation, went to eat at Fridays with some other friends, and then had our family study. A perfect day.


I SO didn't want to come to work today. Nevertheless, I'm here. It's a four day week for me so I shouldn't complain. Come on Thursday!


(12 days til vacation! I can't wait!)

Music

Morning,

I'm just getting situated at Jonesin's place. I really like it over there being the music lover that I am. It's a wonder I haven't visited earlier. (Thanks girl for putting me on all the new music!)

But anyway, going through her data got me really hype for certain album releases. Here are the main ones I'm really looking forward to:

Kweli - I'm so excited for his music. Even though the concepts been done, the video is really nice. I like it a lot!
J. Holiday - Mikesee's long lost twin just does something to me. I'm so interested in him. I'm not really feeling this song as much as Bed, but I'm definitely looking forward to buying his music. It doesn't hurt that I love his swagger. Maybe it's that DC connection. I LOVE THIS GUY!
Mario - I don't care what ya'll say. I like Mario. I like this. But most people know I'm a sucka for the R&B fellas. But yep! I will be buying.
'Ye - Now that I have the mixtape, I'm not as anxious as I could be, but regardless, September 11th will be a big day for him. Although Kanye gets on my nerves and I don't really like him as a human being, his music is incredible. I can't help but to love the mixtape. Check out the CD cover.
Lupe - Even though I believe he's great, I feel like I'll buy the album out of a sense of loyalty. It is my resposibility to support good music... real hip hop. Besides, I bought the first one. So why wouldn't I buy the sophomore joint?


So where are all my ladies at? What ever happened to Amerie's release? Teedra, where are you chile?! Keri Hilson seems to be doing a lot these days. Who knew she wrote so many hits. Good luck to her. Jill Scott and Angie Stone both have new songs/videos out. I'm glad to hear it. Between the two, I like Angie's new song better. Jill's strong but I guess I'm getting tired of the revolutionary, deep, soul, rolling-your-neck sound.

Are You Ready For Some Football!

I am so excited you have no idea.

Happy Football Season everyone. And good luck to my boy. Steve, this is your year! Play your heart out hun!

So why am I motivated to turn my cable back on for ESPN and NFLN, but not for MTB4, Kimora Lee's Fabulosity, or any another other show that I ask people to TIVO for me? Hmm...

http://www.nfl.com/schedules/preseason/2007
http://www.nfl.com/schedules
http://www.nfl.com/schedules/tv/national_preseason
http://www.nfl.com/schedules/tv/primetime

Happy Friday

Happy Friday everyone! I'm in a great mood surprisingly. Well let's take that surprisingly off. I'm in a GREAT MOOD. How's that? Is that better? I think I'm in such a good mood because I actually like the way I look today. You know how you feel when you happen upon the right combination of clothing and every piece just comes together. That's how I feel. I'm happy with how I look today, hence the good mood.

So JCroft asked me to do this again, so in her honor... I wanna feel your good energy today!!! Tell me what good things happened or are happening to you? Share! What are your exciting or marvelous weekend plans?? Hit me up!

Have a fabulous weekend!

The Come Correct Approach

http://bmorebaplife.blogspot.com/2007/08/come-correct-approach.html

Ms. Bmore BAP is speaking to me this week. I really love her blog. Everytime I turn around she's hitting something on the nose.

On The Real

I feel like I need to spill my guts. Something's up and I need to write it out to figure what the point is. I feel like I'm turning into someone that I don't want to be.

I just had a deep email conversation with about 5 friends on relationships/men vs. women/having "lists"/being too picky/finding "the one", in which I basically stated that all men suck. The more I typed, the more I realized that the ideas coming out of my head are SO not what they should be. I'm usually very clear, objective and fair to both sides of the issue, but my judgment is obviously amazingly clouded.

I'm saying things like "men are crazy" and "the greater number of women are more sensible than men" etc.. Stuff I KNOW I wouldn't say if I didn't just go through a break-up. We broke up a month ago, but from the conversation I had with my friends, I can see that I'm still salty. And it's bothering me! I don't want to be seen as "that bitter woman". I don't want to be "damaged goods"! Why do I still feel like men suck and I didn't do anything wrong and he was the one that was crazy, etc.? Why do I still feel that way? I know better!

I feel like I need to be humbled because there is no way that I was perfect in that relationship. I would be stupid to say that he was the one that was crazy, but what if I really do feel that way? What if I really do feel like I was sensible and he wasn't? What if I feel like men in general are just lame to me right now? Speaking of lame take a look at what my girl JennWill said about our experience Saturday.

"...J and I met some of the LAMEST men of all time at the beach party on Sat. like lame, lame. I'm not sure if it was a function of our general standoffishness and obvious desire not to be bothered that only those with the most severe cases of delusions of grandeur dared to approach. Or, if there were several dares taking place among the socially rejected sending them our way. In any case, if we were on the hunt, that day would have been sadly disappointing, unless we opted to pursue gentleman. We couldn't even get more then two ppl a piece into our top 5 category. How sad is that??"

I totally agree with this assessment, but it makes me feel bad! Like who am I to say that these men were lame and who is to say that they wanted me anyway?! But they were lame! And I don't care if they wanted me or not! And so what if we were standoffish! And yes, I know what I looked like sitting back in my comfy chair under our big umbrella, with my sunglasses, big earrings, hair done, bikini top on, and scowl on my face! I looked just like the rest of these d#%@, pretty, stuck up girls that I've met in California! Geez! And I hate that!!

Okay.. calm down j.a.c. Breathe...

My boy just emailed me and said that it's normal to feel like this a month after a break-up. He says that it's called being human. But he also said that if I still feel like this when he's leaving for grad school next year, we're going to have to talk about working on my "bitterness". =)

Okay. I can see that. I'm still licking my wounds. Fine. I get it. But I don't like being subjective. I need a well-rounded ideology. I need to be able to look at issues from more than one perspective. So how do I get rid of this attitude? I know. I know. Time. Freakin Time. I hate freakin time! Time takes too long! I do know one thing though. Don't talk to me about men, relationships or anything of the sort for another 5 weeks. It's apparent I'm not ready for all that. lol. So here's what I'm proposing for myself... I'm going to write down all/some of the things I need to work on as an individual. I did this once before during the hurricane, but I think it's time to revist the things that I did wrong and think about how I would react differently. I'm also going to remind myself how I prefer the down-to-earth girl over the superficial-stank-attitude girl. Maybe that might level my big head out.

Ok. I feel a little better. See! I can always answer my own questions and sort out my own problems. I just have to be really honest with myself and write it out.

If anyone has further recommendations however, I'm all ears.

Astonishing Statistics

Look what I just read in Vibe Vixen! The name of the article that this quote comes from is "Ambitions of a Huslter" and it's about the breed of unstoppable, Generation Y, African-American women who thrive on ambition and success.

"In some cases, ambition seems our only choice. For one, black women tend to marry later than white women: 42% of adult African-American women were unmarried in 2000, compared to 22% of adult white women. The median age of marriage in 2002 for black women was 28.1, versus 24.7 for white women."

Can you believe this?! I swore it was the opposite way around! I thought "they" were the ones who pursued years upon years of higher education and started families at the insane age of 42. All of my white friends parents were in their 50s whereas mine were in their 30s during my high school years. This statistic is so odd to me. I guess it's a good thing right? That means we must be pursuing additional education and more robust career opportunities. I should probably read the rest of the article to find out...

Isn't that wild?!

Shoes!

I'm in love again!!

Ran-dumb Thoughts

Good Morning Blog world. I really don't have anything to say in particular this Monday. I guess this will be a post all to do about nothing. =) I'm feeling very quiet this morning. Ya know? Like an eerie quiet after a storm. Almost like a loud peace. I know that really doesn't make sense, but I'm very aware of the peace. It's almost deafening. Like I can hear myself breath. Anyway, I'm listening to Pandora Radio at the moment. I've never really paid attention to Syleena Johnson, but she has this song called "Slowly" that's just 'oh my goodness'. It's so forward. Definitely something you listen to in the privacy of your own home. Her voice is so nice to me. Last night I read from a children's book called "Learn from the Great Teacher". It teaches kids about Jesus. It's a pretty thick book considering it's for kids, but I'm going to try to finish it this week. The reading is nice and simple and I'm sure it'll teach me something new. It'll also keep my mind from wandering, which seems to be like a slow death for me lately. "Happily Ever After" by Case is on right now. I don't think I'll ever stop loving this song. You know the romantic I am. And the video is incredible as well. You know.. the one with Be before we knew who she was. I think I got goosebumps the first time I saw it. My friend K.B. left me a voicemail yesterday thanking me for coming out to the game. He said that it was a pleasant surprise to see me. I appreciate that so much. It's always the small things ya know? I really do love that guy. He has the most incredible heart. Okay! Pandora is doing it this morning! Dave Hollister! Can you say "LOVE IT!" lol. It's freezing in this office. It won't be a day too soon when I never have to walk in this building again. I haven't been in the mood for heels lately. I've been throwing on the work flats more often than usual. If I'ma stick with the flats, I should get a cuter, more decent pair though. When leaving the Grove Saturday, the ticket lady in the garage said that I have beautiful skin. I don't know why I thought about that.. Oh yes I do. Because someone complimented me on these flats that I have on. It surprised me when they noticed them because they're so old and beat up. But the compliment helped me remember why I bought them in the first place. I remember thinking, "Oh yeah. I did like these things once upon a time." I'm not sure how that lead me into thinking about the lady in the garage, but I guess I was just surprised by the compliment. Syleena and Kels are now singing a song called "Special Occasion". Cute. I got my last Vibe Vixen yesterday. I'm sad. I can't believe this magazine is going under. The pictures were great though! lol. I haven't exactly read it yet. But I was inspired. All the shoes and handbags! It was great. More so because I haven't seen accessories that have hit the spot in a while. But the page on booties... I love! Suprise surpise, I even like the House of Dereon ones. And usually I hate all Be's stuff. I'm all about those purple booties though. I'm trying to find a picture, but they don't even have them up on the site! See. I hate House of Dereon. lol. Oh no! Janet's "Ooh Baby" is playing right now! I don't know if I should be listening to this at work. LMBO. But back to the shoes.. Maybe they're not out yet. But those are so mine! And the clutches on the previous page! I don't think I've been this excited about fashion in months! Ok I'm done with that. Oh wait. One more thing. See, I'm looking through the Dereon site right now... And... Why is this stuff so ugly!? I just don't understand Be! What are you thinking?! Anyway, moving on. There's something fabulous going on with Ms. Kerry Washington lately. Whatevers got her looking like she does, keep it up. Rihanna's pics inspired me yesterday. I had on a Ri Ri inspired outfit at the game yesterday. Very low-key though. Can't really walk up in a basketball game with heels on ya know? Although this is LA! Females do it all the time. But it's just not me. My stomach's growling. I'm in the mood for pancakes. I think I have a few bucks in my wallet. Thank goodness for payday this Friday. Alright peoples. I'm off to feed my face. Have a blessed day.

I Saved My Own Life

I forced my hand into my own chest
and pulled out the beating heart that pulsed wildly.
As I stared at the organ in my palm
my empty rib cage rattled with the cold breeze.
I watched the pain scatter over my nucleus
like millions of tiny black insects
with no where to belong...
..fearing the daylight that permeated them.
The bloody valves dripped between my fingers
and sent speckles of red to the crusty earth below.
The dark pain fell the the ground with it.
As the black dissipated to down below
I looked closer at the red ventricle in my hand.
Holes....
So many holes as if pain had eaten its parts away.
Clear through to the sod I saw.
Straight through my heart to the muddy terrain.

My body felt a sensation of relief and calm.
I looked out into the distance and extended my arm to the right.
Ever so carefully staring
with an expression intense and concentrated
I dropped my heart into the dirt.
Ignoring the thud
I took one step away and stopped at the feeling running within.
I looked down at the open crater in my core
and noticed.
The air passed through my open wound like a wind tunnel.
I was barren
desolate
sterile
depleted.
Void of any sentiment.
Scared stiff.

As if pulled by an inconvenient force
I peered over my right shoulder and looked back.
Perhaps out of fear and longing.
Perhaps out of sheer hope.
But wanting so badly to turn away.
To avoid the hell that I knew.
As suddenly as it pulled
the force snapped as I opened my eyes.
In single file formation
as if on an evil march of annihilation
the pain scurried towards my heels like a vicious plague.
All at once everything screamed.
Everything inside of me
along with that piece of me on the ground
now covered by dust
vibrated at my own deafening shrill.
The howl of my own fear
and wail of my gnawed at heart
ignited my feet.

Hollowness sucked into my chest
as I ran into the sun
terror-stricken at the blackness at my heels.
I ran and I ran and I ran
until I aligned myself with the sun.
In a desperate attempt for a clear freedom
I jumped into its warmth of a world
and was taken.
The sun looked at me lying weak in its arms
and said
'Yes indeed.
You saved your own life.
For a body without a heart can feel no more pain.
But a new heart you will need
to nourish the gift I have kept for you.'
At those ill-taken words
a pain pierced my right temple.
While trying to regain an ounce of strength to move
to run away again to another high mystery
the sun spoke to me in a hypnotic whisper.
'Darling don't be afraid.
The death will not find you.
For this time
it is ensured that I will be the one
to not save
but rather
to keep your life.'
Even in the sun's mesmorizing warmth and energy
I grew cold.
My weariness was beginning to take over my strength.
I blinked two times at the smiling face before me.
And that
is when
everything
went
black.

You Have Potential

Guess what this guy said to me tonight. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You know what? You have potential." Hmm... Now ladies... and even gentlemen, what exactly are you supposed to say to someone who decides that you have potential? Are you expected to nod your head in humble recognition and mumble a timid thank you or do you take the more conceited avenue and say, "No. The real question is do YOU have potential." No one has ever told me that I have "potential" so I wasn't quite sure how to take that. When he said it however, I felt a little confused. But was I confused because my head is too big and I figured that he just didn't know me, or was I confused merely because I wasn't prepared for that comment? Does my shock mean that I need a slice of humble pie or does it mean that I'm clearly aware of my worth and should never have to hear someone tell me that I have potential?

On the real though.. and this is just me being 100% honest... I do believe that most men can not measure up to my standards. I don't even want to get into what those standards are or what my "list" consists of, but I do believe that I am a pretty good catch. It's okay to believe that right? Rather, it's okay to KNOW that right?

Hahaha. That was funny. I hope I conceiled the look of shock on my face when he uttered those words. I understand that he may have been joking slightly, but I don't know. My girl can testify. Something wasn't quite right.

Lol. I have potential. Hmm... Okay.

Song of the Week

I'm in love with this song. One Republic and Timbaland. Apologize.

Good Energy on the 1st

Good Morning World! Happy August! Today is a beautiful day and I can already feel the days brilliance. The music in my ears is tickling my fancy and the heater under my desk is warming my soul. What better way to begin the morning? I'll be in meetings all day today with a bunch of good-ole-boys, so send me a little love via a text if you have the number. I could use the distraction. =)

I put together a 17 page script for the performing arts academy I'm working with yesterday. I was so proud of myself. That was a major accomplishment.

Jehovah answered my prayer. Imagine how fullfilling that was!

I woke up this morning, albeit late. lol.

An old friend called me yesterday and we talked for an hour and a half. That was great.

So what good things happened or are happening to you? Share! I wanna feel everyone's good energy today.