Finding Your Mr. Obama

When I clicked onto the Essence website this morning, I didn't intend to be hit with so much wisdom. This article "Finding Your Mr. Obama" has so many hidden jewels and gold keys in it that it's not even funny. It's the kind of stuff you've heard from your mother, grandmother and other womanly mentors and figures in your life on what keeps their lasting marriages so tight. While clicking through the slides, I actually stopped half way through and evaluated my roll in past relationships. It's so cool and refreshing to see this kind of quality advice on Essence.com. Essence did an incredible job with this one, ladies and gentleman. I took the liberty of copying and pasting the advice, but click on this link to go through the slides. The pictures add so much. Enjoy and learn.




And when you're done, I'm just curious, what did you take away from this? Did it move you like it moved me, or am I just crazy at the impact that this had? Which piece of advice was your favorite? Which do you need to work on and which gem was new to you?





Again, enjoy.

Make It Last Forever
America and the world are captivated by the country’s new First Lady and President. Many single ladies are out to meet a Mr. Obama of their own. We’ve studied the strong bond between our First Couple for tips to find and keep a first-class guy. Just remember that no relationship is perfect, as you discover the love of a lifetime.




Think Outside of the Box
Having grown up in Hawaii and Indonesia and with half of his family in Kenya, President Obama had a background a lot different than the First Lady or anyone she knew. She embraced his unique cultural background and was exposed to exciting new things in the process. Keep in mind that you may have something to learn from the delivery man you’ve been secretly eyeing and you could probably teach him a few things.




No Money, Mo’ Problems?
Despite driving a car with a frayed floorboard and no hope of a new automobile in sight, Mr. Obama was enough man for our First Lady. She stood by the man who started out as her mentee. The Chicago native could’ve possessed the “I’m better than this” mentality and found a mate who was more on her “level,” but instead she took a ride through the rough roads, kept the faith and let go of the ego. Don’t let his lack of material things blind your perception of him. Give him a head start and later on he could give you the world.




Be Open to Love From the Most Unexpected Places
At her Chicago law firm, First Lady Michelle Obama heard all about the bright new intern who would go on to be her husband and the President of the United States. But in the summer of 1989, she wasn’t impressed, and even after meeting him, she was extremely hesitant to go out with a subordinate. After trying to set him up with other friends, she finally accepted his offer for a date and has never looked back. Instead of keeping your eyes straight ahead for Mr. Right, look around for the great guys that cross your path in your daily life.


Kick the List
At one point in time, we’ve all written out our list of the top 100 things we want in a man, but take a note from Mrs. Obama’s book. Mr. Obama possessed a habit deemed unpleasant to many (smoking), but the First Lady didn’t write him off because of his vice. Be lenient on “deal breakers” and give some guys a chance. He may not be No. 1 in your mind, but at the blink of an eye, he could top this list: Person of the Year.



Don't Stop Grinding
Mrs. Obama held on to her $200,000-plus salary as a high-ranking hospital executive even after her husband accepted his position as a state senator. She could’ve chosen to stop working and become a trophy wife but she remained true to her own dreams and desires as a career woman. Something tells us that ambition is one of the reasons Mr. Obama still looks at her with a twinkle in his eye.




Get Over His Wardrobe
Mrs. Obama discovered a diamond in the rough when she began dating the President, if you judge by the latest fashion trends. She looked past his well-worn shoes and suits to see a heart of gold, a passion to change the world and sex appeal that transcends the latest fashion craze. And 15 years later, while on the campaign trail, Mrs. Obama and daughters Malia and Sasha ratted out Dad for the pants he was wearing for being a decade old and his far-from-new belt and shoes. A man who chooses substance over style will make a great choice in the long run.



Always Have His Back
President Obama has mentioned that the First Lady always vouches for his good sense of humor when others say otherwise, but most importantly she showed the world her undying support for his decision to lead the nation. “You’ve got to make trade-offs in life,” Mrs. Obama told ESSENCE in September 2007. “I’m okay with that. I’ve come to realize I am sacrificing one set of things in my life for something else potentially really positive.” Learn to be his confidant and also his reality check.



Don’t Neglect Your Inner Circle
We’ve all had that girlfriend who finds a man and becomes missing in action for everyone else. But not our First Lady. Not only did Mrs. Obama’s friends become the President’s friends, but she also kept her mom with her all the way to the White House (literally). Bring along the people who played an integral part in the person you are. Just like your mate, these people also play a vital part in your happiness and wholeness. Always keep friends and family close to heart to make for a healthy relationship.



Make Your Desires Known
Mr. and Mrs. Barack Obama may appear like the perfect married couple, but getting the President down the aisle wasn’t a sure thing. The duo had many back and forth discussions on if marriage meant anything, but Mrs. Obama was vocal of her want for him to put a ring on it. Over an upscale dinner in 1991, again Mrs. Obama laid out the reasons for them to get married and was speechless when dessert was served and she discovered an engagement ring, as reported by the Chicago Sun-Times. Be upfront on what you want out of the relationship when you meet a special guy and share the benefits for both of you, without giving an ultimatum.



Join Forces for a Greater “Us”
With a successful career of her own and potential to go even higher, First Lady Michelle Obama left her top job to campaign full-time for her husband’s presidential bid and tend to their family. She continues to be one of his biggest cheerleaders. Whether it’s your man’s barbershop goal or graphic designer desires, be creative and supportive to help him be successful, while humming along to Fabolous and Ne-Yo’s hit: “I’m a movement by myself, but I’m a force when we’re together.” When one partner achieves his or her goals, you both win.



Take Me As I Am
Our President decided to become a community organizer on Chicago’s Southside although he had the option to work at major law firms with his enviable credentials. Instead of thinking he was nuts for passing up the high-paying salary and fancy title, Mrs. Obama accepted and supported his passion. Said the First Lady in our September 2007 issue when she recalled hearing her husband speak to a group of inner-city women in a church basement for the first time, “Right then and there, I decided this guy was special. And that’s why I fell in love with him.”



Consider Waiting to Have Junior
Mr. and Mrs. Obama waited six years to begin a family, and for them, it seems as though that wait paid off. While we’re certainly not knocking anyone who chooses to have children early on in a relationship, there does seem to be benefits to waiting for offspring. The Obamas had the opportunity to travel the world together, establish their careers and further build their union before little Malia and Sasha entered the picture. Couples should try to have children on their timetable, not anyone else’s.



Don’t Take Yourself or Your Relationship Too Seriously
Part of the appeal of the President and First Lady is their ability to relate to the everyday person by being approachable, and there unaffected attitude also keeps their love going strong. Mr. and Mrs. Obama may be Ivy League-educated lawyers and he the Leader of the Free World, but neither was above shaking a tail feather with Ellen DeGeneres on her show. Couples that can laugh at themselves and each other can keep things that matter in perspective and find peace when the tough times come. So, loosen up in love!



Don't Stop Dating
When pictures surfaced of the Obamas happily having a “date night” last fall, women around the world quietly cheered. Far too many couples stop engaging in such acts once they’ve been together for a few years or after the children come along. Consider establishing a dinner and a movie night even if it is just once a month to keep the fire burning in your own relationship.



Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Last October, the President admitted to reporters at the Chicago Sun-Times that he actually forgot his wedding anniversary the first year of his marriage. Imagine if that had been a deal breaker for Mrs. Obama! When asked by the paper about his secret for staying married 16 years, the Commander-In-Chief responded, “never get so mad that you forget why you love them." Duly noted, Mr. President.





Essence.com

The Shoulder Snapping Arm Grab

On my way out of My Place in Mitchellville Plaza, I briefly caught eyes with one of the many baseball hat clad dark brothers in the spot. Taking my eye contact as a sign of attraction and a signal of my permission, he waited until I got near enough to reach out and wrap his manly hand around my tiny brown wrist. I threw him a polite smile that read 'thank you but no thank you' and turned my focus towards the crowded aisle. My little sisters were following closely behind me and as the front lady, it was critical that I focused to find a path of least resistance towards the door. As I took a step, I realized that my arm was no longer beside me but at a 35 degree angle behind me. Hmm... If I'm not mistaken, it seems as if he's still holding my wrist. I heightened my sensory receptors and confirmed my observation. I didn't want to look back so as to encourage him so I took stepped forward another inch. My arm heightened to a 45 degree angle. Hmm... Is he not going to let go? Another inch. 65 degrees. Another inch. His hold was now kinda tight. 80 degrees. Mister prince george's county was not only maintaining his hold on my fragile wrist, but was now cutting off my circulation. I winced slightly as a sharp pain shot up my arm towards my shoulder. At this time, as my arm was now tautly pulled at a 90 degree angle blocking the path of others behind me, I figured I better stop moving. Since it was clear he was not giving in, I decided I had to choose between losing out on a valuable minute of my life and a functioning arm. I acquiesced to his more than firm grab and followed the direction in which he led me. I smiled the smile I knew he wanted to see and stepped up closely to his body and waited for his most amazing, stellar introductory line that must have been of the utmost importance to cause me such pain. He smiled that smug little smile of his as I stood in his space, pleased with himself. He still hadn't released my wrist which was now red with an Indian burn likeness. He glanced at his surrounding boys, who were all fixated on our exchange, in that i-got-this kinda way that overconfident men do. That's when I rolled my eyes in my heart. I looked up into his eyes the way a girlfriend would look into her man's after he just finished saying I love you for the first time, and motioned for him to come closer so he could hear me over the music. "What's your name?" I asked sweetly into his ear. After he responded, I motioned for him to come closer again. I put my hand on his arm so that he could bulge his muscle under my touch and feel more of a man for it. By now, he was wide open. "I understand that you find me attractive and am in request of my attention. But I would like to ask you a question." I continued without waiting for his response. "Is it really your unrequited desire to restrain me so forcefully that you maneuver me into some sort of WWF dead lock position that causes sharp pains to shoot up the posterior ligaments of my arm? I deduce that since you are here tonight celebrating the Pittsburg Steelers 27-23 Superbowl victory over the Arizona Cardinals along with the other civilized inhabitants of this establishment, you are not a prehistoric barbarian that beats his mates over the head with a club to show affection. If my assumption is correct, I want you to know that my shoulder is not double jointed, nor am I a circus act. Now if you would so oblige me... please let go." I drew back slightly to see his face. As if on cue, his smile dropped and he released his claws on my irritated wrist. I counted to three just in case he wanted to respond. When I realized he had nothing to say, as I knew would be the case, I said thank you and patted him on top of his now deflated muscle. I smiled my sweet smile once again, looked towards my little sisters and nodded towards the door.

Or at least that's what I should have done. Instead, my little sisters shot mister prince george's county that good old stank, are-you-out-of-your-mind, venom face that us black woman have become so talented at giving (because of jerks like mister prince george's county) and forcibly released my arm from his grasp. Thanks little sis' for saving my arm. Next time j.a.c. Next time.

Quote from Midnight by Sista Souljah

"Where there is a man who willingly bows down to Allah, and voluntarily obeys Allah's laws, there is a man capable of respecting limits, of being a good husband, the responsible party and good father. Not sometimes, but each and every day."

"A woman who bows down to Allah, and obeys Allah's laws, is a good woman who is modest, wise, and mature of intellect. Women who are wise, are the opposite of boastful, conceited, and flagrant. And a boastful, conceited, and flagrant woman is never necessarily intelligent."

"Where there is a humble man who accepts the limits imposed on him by God, a man who bows his head in prayer, thought, and praise along with a modest woman who observes her limits and bows her head in prayer, thought and praise, happy children can be born to live happy and balanced lives. Happy and balanced children respect their parents, because it was their parents who cultivated their knowledge of Allah."

Ran-dumb Thoughts

I feel like I haven't written anything of quality in a while.
There was a moment when I was on a roll.
But with changes in life comes changes in time, energy and circumstances.
I'm officially a MD resident.
I changed my license plates over yesterday.
I like my CA plates much better. 5LBK202.
My new plates are just random.
My cold is getting a little better.
It isn't attacking my body like it was last night.
How often do you lay in the dark with your eyes open?
That's what I was doing before I started this blog.
Just laying there.
Trying to make sure I was getting enough rest so I won't relapse.
The sun was shining through the window earlier, but as is inevitable, the sun set.
I'm reading "Midnight" by Sista Souljah.
The book is introducing me to new ideas and concepts.
A new way of living.
I like the book.
I have received not one phone call today.
While that's fine, it's also a bit weird.
It's also what I asked for.
That's what happens when you cut off your usual pursuers.
C'est la vie.
I wonder if I'm holding up to my goals and aspirations for 2009.
I know it hasn't even been a month yet, but I figure if I keep them on my brain, I can make sure I'm working on them.
My next major purchase will be a Mac.
I've had the same laptop for 7 years.
Silver Daddy has done me good if I say so myself.
I love this thing.
But it's time to move on.
I'm listening to Vanessa Carlton at the moment.
Her album is so dark, and yet I love it.
It's perfect for this hour.
Everytime I look up from the computer, I see my ski jacket.
It still has the tags on it.
I need to find a belt for it.
I need to clean this room.
It ain't but so big, so when it's messy, there's no room to breath.
The problem is that I have too many clothes for this room.
If I could have anything right now, it'd be a walk-in closet.
T.G. has a walk-in closet that he doesn't even use.
Everytime I see that empty closet, it makes me sick.
Black Barbie.
Remember when my girls used to call me that?
If I had a "line name", that's what I would like it to be.
I realize that I'm not as toned as I used to be because I stopped dancing.
But now that I have my NYCB workout DVD, I should be able to firm things up again.
My dad's surgery was a success.
He's downstairs right now in his big chair, just sitting.
I know exactly how he's going to feel when his pain medication starts to wear off.
That's probably the sickest feeling anyone can have.
Having your skin sliced open is no joke.
I've had 3 surgeries.
Bellybutton, ears and oral surgery.
They put me under for my bellybutton and my teeth.
When I had surgery on my ears, they just numbed the area of concern.
I was thinking about kids while I was in the shower earlier.
I'm really not concerned about having them anymore.
Anyone who knows me knows that that's different.
It's just that whatever happens, happens.
Whatever doesn't happen, doesn't happen.
Only Jehovah can control that.
I've decided that I'm going to the Essence Music Festival this year.
I don't know who I'm going with, but I'm going.
Even if I have to go by myself.
Both of my men, Maxwell and John Legend, are performing, so I'm sold.
I could care less about Bey.
But of course, when she comes on stage, I'll be just as crazy as the next fan.
I'll probably have to roll alone because I don't skimp when it comes to concerts for people I really want to see, which means I'll spend a lot of money.
Concerts are the one thing I'll spend buku money on, and not everyone feels the same way.
Goodness gracious my stomach hurts.
I haven't unwrapped my hair all day.
No need when you're stuck in the house, sick.
The job search is going slow.
I wish all the companies would stop laying people off.
I need someone to hire, not fire.
I have this government job to apply to before the closing date in February.
Sunday is Feb 1st.
Superbowl Sunday.
Go Steelers!
I have a taste for a cut up apple.
You know, those bite size portions...so I won't hurt my teeth/gums biting into a full apple.
Maybe that's just me.
"When you don't know what to do, do nothing."
I don't know why that popped in my head.
I guess it's because I was staring out into space with nothing in particular on my mind.
My soul is very quiet now-a-days.
Nothing's plaguing me.
Not that anything ever is.
I'm just chillin.
Soaking in some quiet time.
Not restless at all yet.
I'm so peaceful.
I would like to go out in the field with my camera, but I'm not chancing my health.
Not well enough for that yet.
I need to visit J.K.'s waitress job at that jazz club/lounge.
I'm interested to see where she gets her part time money from.
She says it's a cool spot.
Complex Simplicity is playing now.
Everytime I hear this song, I think about being in my car in LA under the night's lights.
"I'm just tryna celebrate my life."
I hear that Teedra.
What else do we have to do?
Worry about everything that went wrong and could go wrong?
Naw son.
Can't live your life like that.
Claim your happiness.
"Don't let it get you down. It's just life."
Now "For A Lifetime" is on.
This song reminds me of being on Waterside Plaza in New York.
Most songs remind me of some place I've been.
It's usually the place where I truly discover the song.
You know, when I finally fall in love with it and realize that I have to put it on repeat.
My favorite place to vacation is on the beach.
I love to lay on the beach.
Do you know that I buy a new bathing suit every year?
Why not right?
I'm into one pieces now.
I already know which one I want too.
I love shoes.
Just went shoe window shopping online.
I'm already thinking about my spring/summer wardrobe.
Dresses and skirts and shoes.
If I could wear dresses everyday all day I would.
I'm still looking for the perfect shift dress.
I'm already thinking about clothes for the convention.
I've never worn anything new for a convention.
Been wearing the same skirts and dresses for years.
My mom even wonders why I don't go shopping.
Yeah, well it's time.
The fam always has a good time at the convention.
We love being together during those 3 days.
It's like a mini-vacay.
Good times ahead.
I think this might be the longest 'Ran-dumb Thoughts' post I've written.
It helps that I've been writing over the course of the afternoon/evening.
It's now 12:15am.
Time to end.

Watch This! Documentary of Celebrity Reactions

I love this. This ain't about politics people! This is HISTORY! Kudos to Starz Entertainment on this one. I want this for the collection. Gotta record this when it comes out.




Oh my goodness. This made me feel so good. I have tears in my eyes because of all the smiling and the laughter that this video evoked in me. They are right. This country is fired up and family life and involvement and how-to-be-a-black-man syndrome is at an all time high. Now that's what's up!

My Dad

My dad is having surgery on his back Thursday.
I'm so not okay with that.
I know that it has to be done.
But I've never seen my dad not be superman.
To see him down and out for 10 weeks is going to crush me.
But it has to be done.
I pray that all goes well.
I think the surgery is going to be worse for him than for us.
He's not going to understand not being able to do stuff.
I bet you my life that he's going to be up sooner than he's supposed to just because of his stubborness.
He's going to think he's fine to save the world, even though he isn't.
There are going to be some fights about that.
Just watch.
My parents are getting old.
I never thought this day would come.
Having young parents was a blessing because we've all been able to pretty much run around and rule the world without having to wonder if one of us can hang.
I'm nervous.
I almost don't want to see it.
But this is the time to be there.
They didn't say that I had to be there.
They would never tell me that I had to be there.
But I need to be there.
My mom, sister and I are going to have to become the little superwomen that we already know we are.
I'm interested to see how my family comes together for this.
Thank goodness I love them more than life.

Married

I got married yesterday. And we all know what you need to do with certain people and telephone numbers when you get married. Purge! + Delete! + Cancel! = Clean House! Now that I'm a married woman, I can no longer go through my day to day affairs with certain people in my life. So basically what that really means is no more boys. I'm realizing that the more and more guy acquaintances and friends I accumulate, the harder my life becomes. Boys hardly ever just want to be friends. While I'm somewhat skilled at keeping them at bay, something always manages to become complicated. And quite frankly, it's tiring! But now that I'm someone's wife, I'm done with watching what I say and how I act around these dudes in an effort to keep them in check and keep my own fleshly desires surpressed. So yep... I eliminated them. All of them. Now that I'm married to the greatest being in the universe, Jehovah God, I'm avoiding men like the plague. 2009 is dedicated to myself and the cultivation of my relationship with my husband. I'm married now, and God is my husband.

Just Like In The Movies

“Life is not like it is in the movies.” That’s a fact that really sucks for me because I wish it were. But I found an idea that works for me and may even be true! Life can be a string of memorable and unforgettable moments. Those are the things to notice. Luckily for me, since I see everything through rose-colored glasses, I notice these moments very easily. Watching a movie I love can be an unforgettable moment for me. Whatever makes me look back and smile. Whatever inspires me is what makes for an unforgettable moment. I’ve had a plethora of them in the last 5 years of my life, some of which I pointed out in the preceding post. But lately, during this time where I’ve had the freedom to look around and be in the moment, I’ve been showered with them. Cooking a new shrimp scampi recipe with a friend, bonding over sangria and margaritas with my sister, having a special phone call with JennWill that just so happens to be right on time, walking through an assembly hall with my mother while discussing paintings of Bible stories, reading identical newspapers in silence with my friend on the C train… I feel like I need to write them all down so that I’ll never forget them. I don’t want to go through a bad spot in life and not be able to recall moments that made me happy; moments that are unforgettable.

Where is all of this coming from you might ask. A movie of course! Lol. “Only You” starring Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. While watching it, I remembered that I’ve seen it before, but it was a good thing that I bumped into the movie because it reminded me to put it on my favorites list. The first line of this blog comes from “Only You”. It’s a movie about destiny, fate and dreams. While I believe you create your own destiny, I do believe in dreams. My dreams told me not to get married. Hmph! Go figure. The movie is playing again in the background. Giovanni just said this: “In America, you live for work. You stop for nothing. But in Italy, we care for food, for pleasure, for love.” Oh man! I have to get to Italy! Tuscany, Venice…I just want to go. Like drop everything and go. It’s where I feel like I belong right now. I want to go to Rome and then drive down the coast to Possitano like they did in the movie. I need to experience a country where they live for food, pleasure and love. That sounds like my kind of place.

Ok. I have another movie to watch this afternoon. I’m hungry for more inspiration. Catch you on the flip side.

This Song

This song always makes me think about him... The good times, like when we took a trip and rode down to the jazz festival together. I'm reminded of when we laid out on a blanket in the middle of the park by my house. Sure I was mad at him for some reason, but he was there. He was always there. I remember the times when he raced down the freeway after work for two or three whole weeks just to be with me. Just to sit with me in my studio. I also remember when I took him to see his first opera. Neither one of us liked the performance, but we were happy to be together. I can remember how it felt to step into our frequented spot as the mister and mrs. No we weren't married but we were "the couple" and everyone knew it. Everyone always knew what it was. I especially remember watching him with his boys during a fly, summer's day, rooftop party in the heart of downtown LA and thinking "oh my goodness, I love that man." The day that I watched him like that was the day he asked for my hand in marriage.

When I listen to this song, I remember all of the good times we had together. All of the laughter and dime a dozen private moments we shared. When our eyes used to lock and everything else blurred. When we had one of those conversations that made my heart swell and yearn to love him more. When I hear this song, I remember what it feels like to love and to be loved. Yep. I reminisce inside the melody and notes of this song. This song...

Seconds of Winter Wonderland, Hours of Dirty Chaos

"Let's write a blog together!" is what he said.

This is what happens when you meet with an acquaintance over tea on 23rd street...staring out of a Starbucks window while New York's snow falls heavily to the ground. Two creative minds come together to form such:

R.A. says that he misses the snow. But not when it's like this. It's better when it's fresh and the ground is a sparkly white. It gives him a nostalgic feeling and reminds him of what New York City is all about, for better or for worse. When the snow crashes with fumes of yellow cabs, shoes of 2nd Ave, and salty layers, it ruins the pristine view. It depresses its original form. It loses its character. Flawless becomes flawed.

j.a.c. finds the snow annoying. I too believe that it's better when it's pristine and clear of deficiencies. One flake at a time, but what each flake leaves behind evolves into a mass of mess and slush. Slippery slopes, dirty streets, and tainted suede, stiletto boots.

Lol. So random right? I had fun doing this though. I've never written a blog with another person. More importantly, I never considered sharing my web space with another writer. Zuri She Wrote is personal...not a place for collaboration. Yet, there's a first time for everything. Snaps for R.A.!

So Long NYC

because ny state was threatening to cut my benefits, i had to run up to the city for a second and handle some business. i was there all of a day and a half, and yet could not WAIT to leave again. i don't think i've ever been colder in my life. of course i'm being dramatic, but it surely was not happy with the conditions i was in. i've waited for the bus on 23rd and FDR for 11 months straight, but on friday, i thought i was going to lose my mind. the bus was a whole 3 minutes late! now if you are a new yorker, you KNOW that it unacceptable when it is 20 degrees outside. every single second that you stand there in a whirwind of whipping and screaming cold air feels like an hour. so in essence, i was being assaulted by the vicious wind for 3 hours. i thought i was going to cry.

but what was interesting about my shot into town was a conversation i had with the breakfast cart man on the corner in front of the ny state building. i figured that the meeting would take a while and breakfast was necessary before i withstood the torture of government processes. while waiting for my bacon, egg and cheese on a roll, i somehow got into a discussion with my street corner chef about ex boyfriends, marriage and sex. he asked me if i had sex with my ex-fiance, why it didn't work out, when i lost my virginity, what race are all of my exes and why am i not dating. because i'll never see this man again (which is a great thing about the city), i answered all of them honestly. what tripped me out though was how the convo ended. right before my eggs and bacon were done, he asked to see my left hand. i asked him why, mainly because it was cold outside and my hands were rammed comfortably and warmly in my coat pockets. he asked to see my hand again in his thick accent, and i begrudgingly brough my left hand up to the cart's window and opened my palm face up. "ooooohhhh!" he said. i thought he was going to check for a ring to see if my story checked out, but when i realized he just wanted to read my palm, i rolled my eyes. but to appease him i laughed, looked up at him and said, "what does that mean?", while i slipped my hand back into my left pocket. he told me that not only am i going to be happy in love in the very near future, but i'm not going to marry a black man. a black man is not in the works for me. he said that he sees me with someone italian maybe. definitely not completely white though. he's going to be somewhat rugged and dark. i couldn't help but to think to myself 'how did he know i would open my eyes to a rugged, italian-like, dark-featured white man, if i ever went white?' lol. he also told me that i was going to have 4 children. a big family. but since i'm only 26, i should enjoy life and keep my legs closed. he said men are idiots and don't deserve someone as nice as i am. he then wrapped up my breakfast sandwich. i thanked him for the food and the compliments and told him to enjoy the rest of his day. i exited left into the ny state department of labor building.

ny has it's ups, like random conversations with complete strangers. (i never wrote about that time when an old white man serenaded me and called me an african queen while waiting outside of the Olive Garden in times square. i was so uncomfortable, and yet so amused!) there's never a dull moment in the day when you are in nyc, but the elements and the dark, concrete jungle-ness of it all are enough to keep me away. so long nyc!

(Now I think I just may grab my stuff and bounce. Not sure I can stick around like I intended.)

Would You Have Kids?

Imagine if you knew that the world was coming to an end in 10 years. But before the end, well let's just call it Armageddon, things are supposed to get increasingly worse. Politics, religion, commercialism, economic hardship, hatred, murder, deceit, etc. are magnified in the wrong direction 10x over what they are today. But the day after Armageddon, when all wickedness is gone and you've managed to make it through, the sun comes out of the sky in a way you've never seen it before and you're surrounded by the most beautiful and loving sights you've ever seen in your life. You've finally stepped into a new, wonderful world.

Okay. Do you have it? Did you imagine it?

Now here's the question.

Say you're married during that period of wickedness I described above, and have always wanted children - your very own family. Would you even bother having children and bringing them into that life of hate, crime and evil? Or would you pray that you make it through Armageddon and wait until the new world to have the family you've always wanted?

DMV and Marriage

I read this quote on Belle's blog: "you know people from the DMV suburbs like to get married by 27, dudes included"

And that my friends, is a huge reason why I have decided to move back. Oh, let me rewind for a quick second. If anyone is unaware of the acronym used above, DMV stands for the DC, Maryland, Virginia metropolitan area. Okay, now that we are all caught up, let me explain myself. New York is for the young. I'm not saying that I'm old, but NY is definitely for those who like the freedom that the greatest city has to offer. On the real, to get the most out of NY, you either have to be rich or young. When you're rich, you can rule the city like Pharaoh ruled over God's people. A driver, a butler, a trip to Italy, an impressive dinner party...whatever you want. When one has large amounts of disposable income, you can live in NY quite comfortably. Those who are young and free-spirited, on the other hand, can use NY as their toilet bowl to crap up in. Social scenes, tons of the opposite sex, restaurants, fashion, hotels... It's the perfect place for the professional bachelor or bachelorette. But what happens when you're not rich nor do you care to turn the city into your playground? You move!

I don't see NY as a place for families. Sure you can move to the big island or jersey, but who wants to do that, unless you have this super affinity for New York? I'm sure the ones out on the island or in jersey are those who were born and raised in NY or immigrants who found a better opportunity. But those of us who have moved to the city from other states, don't usually stay. You take NY for what it is, and then you leave it.

Why do you think that people from the DMV suburbs like to get married so young? (You might say that 27 is not young, but keep in mind that the marrying age today is higher than it used to be - so it's all relative.) Here is my speculation. The DMV is made for marriage. We're a metropolitan area full of single family homes and condos. We have dog parks and middle schools on every corner. All of our stores are arranged in town centers and plazas. Well this is no ground-breaking announcement, really. What I'm describing is the definition of a suburb. So why do people here marry so young? Well what else is there to do? Lol.

I like the city, and I love the suburbs. Hence, I want to move to DC. Prince George's County will forever and always be the same. While I appreciate where I come from, I don't think I can do something I've already done. Living in DC will give me access to what I know, and the ability to experience something new. I'm looking forward to figuring out the DC young professionals scene - various professional associations (urban league, young professionals for non-profits), the underground music scene, and my spiritual network scene.

In the Sex and the City movie, remember when Carrie asked Louise why she moved to NY city? Louise said, "To fall in love". Well, if anyone asks me why I moved to the DMV, you already know what I'm going to say.

I Need To Complain

1. These emails are driving me INSANE. I wish people would stop emailing me! My phone is blinking every 2 seconds! Blackberries are the kiss of freakin death. I've gotten in the habit of turning my phone off at night cuz I just can't take it anymore. If my phone vibrates one more time at some outrageous hour due to a text message or berry msgr, I'm going to go off.
2. I got recruited to lead something that I SO do not want to lead. I don't have time to put together an emerging leaders summit for the environment. Come on people! I participated as a favor to someone last year and now look where it got me. Sheesh!
3. Why hasn't anyone called me about a job yet? All those dag on applications I put in...
4. How long does it take to transfer my car's title to MD! I've been without a car for FAR TOO LONG. Freak!
5. NY state is requiring that I come to a mandatory 2 hour unemployment solutions meeting with my resume, or else they will cancel my unemployment. Umm.. Excuse me, but what are you (department of labor) going to tell me about resumes and interviews that I don't already know? What are you going to do? Hand me some photocopied piece of paper of your top ten suggestions to finding a job from 1985? Paaalease!
6. One of my exes who I haven't heard from in a while just texted me and managed to thoroughly piss me off. I can really care less if I ever speak to him again right now. Messing with the wrong woman today.

I'm just in a stinky mood today.

Flushing Out The Plans

A lot happened today. Today's events finally put everything in motion for me. I now know where I am needed, when I'm moving, and what I'm going to do.

We had a family meeting today. Being that my parents will be moving to Huntsville, AL at the end of '09, the four of us have A LOT to do. We're trying to put the house up for sale in less than 2 months soooooo that means we have a lot to do in order to turn this place into a model home. What's going to make this transition so interesting is that there are things in this house that I haven't seen for 20 years. For example, my dad recently went into the attic and pulled out my Barbie trunk that housed all of my Barbies and their clothes. I was so excited to see that thing! My parents asked me if it was trash and I looked at them like they were crazy. There's no way I can throw away my Barbies! How dare they suggest such a thing! lol. So I can't even imagine what else is waiting to be uncovered. Girl scout and cheerleading uniforms? Stuffed animals from my elementary days? My favorite childhood book/toy/sweater? Who knows what we'll find! I've never been so super excited to start cleaning! =)

At the family meeting, we set a date for winter cleaning. January 24th and 25th. That means I have between the 12th and the 19th to do my thing in the city, close up shop, and move to MD for good. (I'm attending an assembly in Jersey on the 10th & 11th and the inauguration ball on the 20th here in DC.) So yeah. I'm moving. Finally. I finally have a firm date. I finally have a plan. See, this is why I always say 'when you don't know what to do, do nothing'. My entire schedule for 2009 has completely worked itself out for me. And I always knew it would.

My tentative plan was to stay in the city until I could find a job and move into my own place, but since The C Family has such major action items to check off, I'm needed at home. And guess what? I really don't mind! I think it makes a difference that we're all here working towards a common goal. It's not like we have four individual adults sitting here looking at one another wondering who's going to move out first. =) We've all lovingly decided to pitch-in in our own ways so that we all save money, and complete projects efficiently. It's even been built up so that we secure a win win situation for each individual family member. I'm telling you, our family meeting today was the bomb.

Even as I work for the good of the family and whatever employer I'm working for, I still need to remember my own individual goals and draw up a plan to accomplish them. That's next on my to do list. Can't forget about me!

The Perfect Black Handbag

My new thing is handbags. Well, it's not really new, but I'm pretty obsessed with them right now, especially since I bought 3 the other day. Yay! Hey now. No judging! They came at a good price and I haven't added a bag to the collection in a VERY LONG TIME. So, I felt like I owed it to myself. Even with all of that, I still, I do not own The Perfect Black Handbag (T.P.B.H.). I have a couple of black bags, but they're either too big (travel size big enough to tote my laptop) or too small (small enough to fit my ID, debit card, bberry and a tube of lipstick). I desperately need to find T.P.B.H. So here's what I could find so far.

Aren't they fabulous!! Unfortunately, I have to choose 1 and 1 only. Decisions decisions. I didn't label them so it might make this hard, but do you have a favorite? I can definitely use some help chicas! =)

And then it's off to ebay I go!

Oh! Wait! Has anyone heard of ioffer.com? They have some handbags at good prices, but the prices look too good to be true. Hit me!

The Good Life

I'm actually quite content with where my life is right now. I'm home, but at the same time I'm not. Whenever I want to pick up and move back to the city, I can; and that's very refreshing. Come to think of it, I'm very blessed to have a place to lay my head in both states... with clothes at each spots I must add. lol. I'm super comfortable. I walk around in my robe most days, run errunds in my mother's luxury car when I need to, and eat free food. My dad is cool and my mom just seems to want to talk about shopping and men these days. I'm working with my non-profit again (although it's not paid), and basically saving money. I really didn't think that I would be as stress free as I am when I got laid off. I guess things really do happen for the best of reasons.

Faith - Hebrews 11

In my quest for more faith, I'm reading Hebrews 11. The below is a list of scriptures and ideas that stand out to me. These are just my notes, so feel free to pass on to the next blog post.

V4 - Cain and Abel both offered sacrifices to God. But Abel offered a better sacrifice to God because he had faith. god said he was pleased with what Abel offered. And so God called him a good man because he had faith. - Sometimes it seems like people offer so little to God, and still walk away just fine. But this verse lets me know that God is looking for the best sacrifice. So forget about what others are doing and do the best I can do.

V6 - Whoever comes to God must believe that he is real and that he rewards those who sincerely try to find him. - This is the promise I want to hear! With certain issues in mind, this is when I say, "Alright God. I'ma do things your way! You said you won't leave me stranded and that I'll get a reward. Aight! BET!"

V8 - God called Abraham to travel to another place that he promised to give him. Abraham did not know where that other place was. But he obeyed God and started traveling, because he had faith. - This is how I feel. I sometimes have NO FREAKIN IDEA what God is doing and where He's taking me or what His point is. It's nice to see that Abraham had no idea either, but obeyed God anyway. I'm not alone. Lol. I can't even get in my car and go to someplace unknown without mapquest! That was a nice chunk of faith that Abraham had to wander into some dag on hot wilderness by foot cause God said so. Lol. Go 'head brother!

V13 - All these great people (Noah, Abraham, Sarah) continued living with faith until they died. They did not get the things God promised his people. But they were happy just to see those promises coming far in the future. They accepted the fact that they were like visitors and strangers here on earth. - Umm...yeah see. This is where my faith certainly is not. They had all this faith and they STILL didn't see the things they hope for?! So is that what can happen to me? I mean, I know Noah, Abraham and Sarah will be resurrected and will see the realization of everything they had faith in, but wow. To not see the effects of their sacrifice and obedience? I guess that's the ultimate manifestation of faith. Dying faithful and not getting anything in return (at least in this lifetime). I guess that's where I need to get, but man! God promised me and I want to SEE!

V24-25 - Moses chose not to enjoy the pleasures of sin that last such a short time. Instead, he chose to suffer with God's people. He did this because he had faith. - He chose to suffer. Now that's something. Who would ever CHOSE to suffer? Who would ever CHOSE to be beat and killed by the Egyptians? Who would ever CHOSE to be laughed at by other people who think you're doing too much for God? I guess it is what it is. What's the alternative? Give in?

V26 - Moses thought it was better to suffer for the Christ than to have all the treasures of Egypt. He was waiting for the reward that God would give him. - Moses must have had something in him from childhood to reject everything he could have had. The man could have had clothes, diamonds, and a big house (all the things I want - lol), but decided against it for something greater. That's what's up.

V27 - Moses continued strong as if he could see the God no one can see. - This is what I need to do. I'm sure if I pictured God standing next to me like another human being, looking right at me, I could continue strong. I ain't trying to have the most powerful being in the universe (the one who could kill me by blinking) looking at me disobey! Good point Moses!

V39, 40 - God was pleased with all of them because of their faith. But not one of them received God's great promise. God planned something better for us. He wanted to make us perfect. Of course, he wanted those great people to be made perfect too, but not before we could all enjoy that blessing together. - Did you read that last sentence?! He didn't let them see the fullfillment of their faith because he wanted all of us to see and experience faith too! Let me think about this for a second. So Abraham who almost killed his son in faith, didn't get to see God's promises before he died all so that I can experience faith? Well then I don't really see how I can walk around here and not have the faith that I'm supposed to have. That would really be messed up. God did all of that for me. =/

I gotta give Jehovah props for giving me all these examples of faithful servants who did it right. Thanks God! Now all I have to do is get them into my heart, and remember them when I'm standing at a crossroads.

Thanks T.C.!

Ski Trip!

The ski trip is almost here!! I'm so excited!!!!!!!!

I've never been skiing before so this is going to be such a fun experience. Especially since I'm going with my guys and dolls. I love going on trips like this with a big group of people my age. There's always bound to be a crazy story and some memorable moments.

I'm going to try to snowboard instead of ski. I don't care if it's harder. I'm She-Ra the winter warrior! Hear me roar!

I have not one piece of ski gear. Not a jacket, glove, hat, or long john shirt. Yeah I really don't know how this cute ski bunny vision I have in my mind is going to come about. I need to get on the shopping tip quick. I think my mom has ski pants, so I may just steal hers. That woman ain't going skiing anymore. The last time she went skiing, my dad took her up to the top of a slope she didn't want to be on, and straight left her by herself to slide down on her butt all the way down. And he was just a merrily skiing without her, swiveling from side to side like a pro. lol. I think she's traumatized, and therefore will never ski again. But back to me. Since I'll be face planting in the snow for the majority of the trip, I have to make sure my insulation is on point.

I'm so ready to get away. Stacy, Kaslyn and I are going to have a great time together.



Ski by ClassicFashionGirl

Year End Reflections

I am so ready for '08 to be over. This time last year, I had just moved to NY. I was anxious, excited, nervous and terrified all at the same time. I moved 3,000 miles away from the love of my life to start a career with my dream job. Now that I no longer am with that 'love of my life' or that 'dream job', I'm at a full circle. I'm at yet another December feeling anxious, nervous, excited and terrified at the same time. But I'm ready for a fresh start. A beautiful beginning. Another chance.

I remember writing a post about wanting to work on 'glowing'. When I wrote that post, I had every reason to glow. Everything in my life was perfect. I really had no reason to complain. It's a little more difficult to glow when things are so uncertain, but I'm actually willing to accept the challenge and learn to glow during the un-perfect. It is understood that you build character not through the easy times, but during moments when the sun isn't so bright. It's all about how you get through the tough times that makes you the piece of work that you are. So I'm going to work on glowing through this particular time. Not that it's all that bad of a time. Things aren't bad. They're just different. Way different.

There's a line in a movie I saw recently that says, "the easiest way to make God laugh is to tell him what you have planned". How perfect is that, huh? Nevertheless, here's the tentative plan for '09 (subject to change). Move. Buy. Get spiritual. Get creative. Love. That's all I'm going to say for now. There's a whole lot more to it but I'll just let the rest play out in it's own time. If (when) it happens, I might explain further (assuming I remember this conversation). But that's the whole thing about goals and resolutions. Even if you do accomplish them, you forget that you set them and fail to celebrate how far you've come. I can't even begin to remember what I told myself I was going to work on in '08, except for glowing. I'm sure I can go back in my journal or blog to see where I was in life, but I never feel comfortable going back. (Ironically, that's something I always say to ex-bfs - "I never go back".) I like looking forward, not backwards where I can get a clear view into how stupid I was. Yeah, I should be able to see how far I've come as well, but... I just can't look back.

Without physically looking back in a journal or blog, let me see what I've learned this past year. In '04 and '05, I didn't know who I was. Newly out of college, I was naive, awkward and very much alone. In '06 and '07, I lived life to the fullest. Those years were mainly about coming into my own, gaining a special sisterhood unlike I've ever had before, having fun and falling in love. 2008 was a different kind of year. More so than anything, I've learned the power of God, the power of love, and the power of pain. Even though many a great things happened to me this year like moving to NY, meeting new associates who will probably be life-long ones, finding my style, rebuilding my relationship with God and growing closer to my family, I was in pain for the majority of it all. It sounds bleek, but I'm kinda proud of that. Even when my insides were torn apart and full of bullet holes, I was still able to suceed. Strength. I think that's one of my strongest virtues. What doesn't kill you... right?

All in all, I thought I was a pretty wise chick. Thought I had some things figured out about this here life. Boy was I wrong. Can't wait to learn even more in the '09.

Here's to a new year! Wahoo!

Love This

...U go back to her and i'll go back to black... by Klaudia_FreZa

be with me

Today's one of those nights
When you should be here with me
Doing what we normally do
You know...just being into we
I'm not quite sure why you're away
You mentioned something about your plan
But as i said to you earlier
Forget about that damn plan
You wouldn't put a plan before me
Now would you baby boi?
Where does your loyalty lie?
Right here in the bed with me
Nothing could be better than this
If you disagree I want you to prove it
Show me that you'll be okay without me
Remember when you whispered it to me
That you'll never be the same without we
Well come here and act like it
I made my decision when I approved
I acquiesed when I fell in love
So explain to me one more time
Why are you not here with me?
And this time do me a huge favor
Think deeply before you answer
This time I'm asking you to cut the crap
You know you want to be where I am
So come and get me
I'm waiting for you
But I only waiting for a little while

Deducing

This post is entirely for me to rant. So no need to really even read or comment. Just tryna sort my feelings out.

I'm in a very weird transitional phase right now which has got me kinda screwed up. When I no longer have a schedule or a concrete reason to wake up in the morning, I tend to get a little confused. I wake up in different cities. Can't really keep up with the date anymore. Not sure how long my money will hold out. I keep forgetting what clothes I have in NY and what I have at my parent's house. Not in the mood to go anywhere anymore. I'm very unclear as to what my future holds. My body doesn't even feel right. When I wake up in the morning, after 9 hours of sleep, I feel extremely exhausted instead of refreshed. I get dizzy when I stand up more times than I care to share. I'm just wrong. Completely out of wack.

I'm trying hard to push through this forest of shrubbery that's enclosing around me. Yesterday, my sister and I disappeared to my friend's house (who happens to be out of town) to go hard like we're in finals, and apply for jobs. We were there from 11am to 6pm searching and applying. Searching and applying. Searching and applying. So at least I did that. My life preserver has been cast. I'm just waiting for someone to tug on it so I can get some sort of direction. Sucks that this had to happen around the holidays. I can't tell if people just aren't at work or they don't like me. I want to apply to more jobs, but the listings haven't changed (because no ones at work).

I really want to go someplace warm for a mini-vacation so I can stop sitting in NY and MD looking all confused, but I'm afraid to use my money. My car's registration expired so I have a huge penalty fee coming my way in addition to a ski trip coming up in February. No matter what you do, there's always something. I'm actually excited for the ski trip. I wonder if I can sit tight through the month of January. I could if I had a purpose and a car.

Maybe I should look back to the 15 Things To Do Before 10/09 list and see what I could knock off.

• go snowboarding - i can check that off
• obtain an IRA - i need to check my 401Ks at Boeing and Time Inc for a rollover
• write 7 fantastic songs - i can scratch one off the list. 6 more to go. i'm not in the mood to pen anything write now though
• get baptized - i'm working on that. going out in service a little more while i'm unemployed wouldn't hurt
• have a committed relationship w/ a strong & spiritual man - Ha! NEXT
• take a European trip with sis - since we're both unemployed, that'll have to be postponed
• spend a weekday in a luxury hotel - i'm going to do this, no matter if i'm unemployed or not
• become AmEx debt free - well now that i'm back to paying the minimum, i need to change my deadline on this one
• fine tune my cooking skills - i'm actually ready to do this. if i move back home, i'll make this happen. i'm sure my family would be very appreciative
• put together a photography portfolio - now this is something i can do right now (well when i can manage to get my car registered). i keep dreaming about photography school and maybe even doing some photojournalism, so... yes. i need to jump on this right away
• take my vitamen daily - that's probably what's wrong with my body. i haven't been taking a vitamen!
• gain no more than 5 lbs. - well... something's wrong with me in this area too. my hourglass is not what it used to be. i NEED to gain 5 lbs. i used to hate it when people called me skinny, but right now, that's exactly what i am
• take dance classes - i'm afraid to exercise because i seem to keep losing weight. if i stick to my New York City Ballet workout DVD, i should be able to tone w/o losing
• become bomb at my job and get a good raise - errr, umm. the economy kinda killed that one
• get into interior design - eh. not feeling that right now

Okay so here's what I deduce from the above. I'm funneling all of that information into a thesis of sorts.

j.a.c.'s so-she-won't-go-crazy-while-unemployed to-do list, version 1
Finances - Handle my 401K business. Research Suze Orman advice.
Health - NYCB DVD in the mornings and take daily vitamen supplement.
Spirituality - Daily Bible reading and personal study. Prepare for mtgs. More service.
Lifestyle - Cook. As long as my parents purchase the groceries I'm good. Get a new menu book.
Passion - Take my camera out into the field. Maybe I can do a collection on love.
Career - Apply for 3 - 5 jobs everyday.

Cool. Now I gotta write this down where I can see it everyday and make a schedule. lol. I'm such a structured person. But that's okay. It's what I need to be j.a.c.

Did you enjoy my process? lol. They're always so funny. I start out down in the dumps, or somewhere near there, and then spit out these 1-2-3-4 executed instructions on how to raise myself back up. No wonder I'm so good at math and finance. I'm extremely logical, and if 2 + 2 doesn't = 4, then I'm confused. Eh! It is what it is!

Faith

I really do have a problem with this thing called FAITH - "the assured expectation of things hope for, the evident demonstration of realities though not beheld". The assured expectation of things hoped for... Sometimes I feel like I have none of that. I'm not "assured" of anything anymore. Because you know what I hope for? I HOPE for my friends and family to have peace. To not have to deal with the angst that this world puts us through. So many of my girlfriends have gone through truly appalling situations when dealing with health, money, and love. My male friends are out here swearing off women because of how stank we can be. I HOPE, more than anything, to serve God with a man of God. But tell me how many men of God do YOU know? One of the Bible literature books that I read today said, "How does he demonstrate his love for God?" Well...hmm... I don't think I'm acquainted with any men who outwardly demonstrate their love for God through their actions. I HOPE for a job that won't kill me; one that I enjoy working each and every day. I've already had one, so how can I expect another when most people don't even get that opportunity once? With things being so tough out here in this system we call the world, I just can't see how I can believe in anything anymore. This world and the people in it are so damaged. At our heart's core, we all just want to be happy individuals, but that just doesn't seem to work out for anyone. This is exactly why I am taught not to have faith in this system; that the only remedy is to look forward to the new system that God will provide us. Even though I shouldn't say this, that's just not enough for me right now. The fact of the matter is that I'm here. Right now. At this very moment. Sigh..... I'm in one of my holes right now. You know... those holes where you trap yourself in and can't seem to find your way out. But a hole that you could easily help someone else out of when they're in it. I know all of the Bible verses and all of the positive quotes, but my mind has the best of me at this very moment. And that's all because I don't have enough faith.

The Bible tells me that all it takes is a mustard grain of faith, a really really really small particle of faith, to move mountains. But you see, this is a problem for me because I do indeed believe in certain things. I believe that what the Bible says is true. I believe that if you do things the righteous way, your life will be better. I have faith that Jesus will crush Satan when the time comes. Because who can be stronger than God and Jesus? I even have faith that we will all live in an earthly paradise where sickness and death will be non-existent. But even with this faith that I have, my mountains are just not moving. Or maybe they are, and I can't see it. Perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself. In any case, however you cut it, I still feel like I'm lacking in faith. ESPECIALLY when it comes to having my heart's desires. Actually, ONLY when it comes to having my heart's desires. That's it. That's exactly what it is. I know it makes no sense for me to believe that Jehovah will take care of everyone else except for me, but that's what I'm beginning to feel!

I'm doing some Bible research as I type this, and this is what it says under "How can a person acquire faith?" Well first of all, you can't have faith unless you know what you're supposed to believe in. You learn what you're supposed to have faith in through studying God's word. "Failure to study it hinders any development of true faith." Ok. So I need knowledge of God's word. I have that. Now what? In Romans it says that "Faith follows the thing heard." "A person must first found out what the Bible says, and he will strengthen his conviction if he examines it carefully so as to be convinced of it reliability." Hmm... I just looked up some scriptures surrounding that last sentence in my book, and I think I know what I'm missing. The scriptures I read have phrases like "examining the scriptures daily" and "standing before you constantly and listening"... While I'm in church all the time, I don't think I stick to the word as much as the scriptures tell me to. "daily"... "constantly"... naw, I definitely don't do that. And I know that if I did, I wouldn't have time to let that hole, that I mentioned above, eat me alive.

I carry my Bible with me everywhere. I'm the girl in the restaurant, mixer, networking group, backyard BBQ, and bowling alley with my Bible. But as much as I carry my Bible around, I surely don't read it enough. I'm usually in it 3 times a week for very select hours, but those other 4 days is probably when my mind goes wild and sucks me in and tears me apart into little tiny itty bitty pieces. Knowing myself, I need to be in that Bible every single day of the week. That way, I can acquire more faith. If I'm reading encouraging scriptures over and over again, there's no way I couldn't believe in them, AND believe that God will not only take care of others, but me as well.

So there's the remedy. I figured it out. It's all about my personal Bible study (among other things). Yet again, that's the power of what writing does for me. Now I just have to make sure I take the medicine I just prescribed for myself. Now THAT'S the hard part. Sigh...

Big Dreams

I think I want to talk about dreams tonight. I read that old adage today that says to dream big, so I figured I'd give it a try. I'm not sure how to attach the reality tag to some of these dreams, but I guess having a little faith couldn't hurt. (That reminds me, I'm supposed to be doing some research on 'faith' being that I seem to have issues with that concept.) But if I were to dream big, here's what I would dream for.

• A Lucrative Passion - I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get paid well for my passion. More specifically, a passion that I'm remarkable in and comes naturally to me. The more and more I play with my camera, the more I realize how attached I am to it. At our organization's family reunion on Sunday, I picked up someone's camera and dag on near lost my mind taking pictures of anyone and everyone. I was on the floor in a dress snapping pics of moments; and it was extremely comfortable. I'm finding that I don't really like taking pictures of objects (although I have this amazing black and white picture of this old tree that I love). I'm more into capturing human emotions and interaction. Smiles, pain, laughter, tears... But photography is just one of my passions.


• To Give Hope - I come across so many sour pusses. People are generally not happy creatures. Something is always wrong and someone is always ready to give up. I understand that it's the ways of the world, but if I had one dream, it would be to change these ways of the world and give people a reason to be hopeful and positive. I try to do that on an individual basis, but sometimes the encouragement I give doesn't take. I wish there was a universal button I could push that would insert joy into the hearts of down-trodden ones.


• France, Brazil, South Africa, Greece, Italy, Egypt, England - I'm dreaming of an extraordinary travel experience. I have no idea who I would go with though. I'm all about solo travel right about now so perhaps I could visit some of these places on j.a.c. time in the future. I'm so ready to get out of this country for a second. I don't have enough stamps in my passport.


• Partner in Crime - The Clyde to my Bonnie.


• Godly Wisdom - This kind of wisdom is accessible. It's not that hard to attain if you know where to look for it. My dream, however, would be to attain this wisdom and actually use it in my decision-making. I don't know how many times I've been in a situation where I knew what the wise and Godly course of action was, but chose to take the other course. Human imperfection is no joke. It's overpowering even. Acquiring and exercising Godly wisdom would save me so many heartaches and reproof.


• Massage Therapy - I couldn't imagine having a private masseuse. Not even in my wildest dreams, but boy do I want one. I often have cricks in my neck or tense shoulders so a massage every now and then would be in my best interest. But I actually didn't realize how badly I needed a massage until I received an unexpected one a few weeks ago. I thought I had died. Seriously. It was the most amazing thing I felt in a long time. To have that at any time I so desire? Man!

I'm sure there are more, but that's all I can think of right now. These BIG dreams are probably not big at all. Now that I'm looking back on them, these may just be a set of goals. Things that are attainable. I'm not sure I know how to dream big. I feel like I have basically everything that I want (except for the things I mentioned above.)

I just bought Keyshia Cole's album, and I have her song "Brand New" on repeat. I think I need to close my eyes and start learning the words.... so on that note, good night all.

What I Need To Do

"My advice to you would be to start with that one thing and then let the other stuff fall into place." - Mikesee

I told him that I seem to know a lot of Grade A men, but they're always missing that 1 thing for me. The most important thing.

Now I've been thinking about this for a while now and it wasn't until Mikesee dropped that on me that I decided it's actually time to do something about it. The first step to doing something about it is to write it down, so here it is....

I get tired of knowing so many great men that I can't date. I get tired of the same old routine - making the acquaintance, having a good time while in the back of my mind realizing that I can't date them, receiving wonderful, open-hearted expressions from these guys regarding stepping up our acquaintance to the next level, and then masterfully maneuvering the situation so that I don't hurt their feelings and yet maintain their acquaintance. Yo. This little road that I'm on is wack! While I'm good at keeping friends who want more as friends only, I'm beginning to wear down a little. It's beginning to cut into my nerves a little. So, here's the solution. I think it's time for a detour. I'm ready to step off of this road and onto another.

If I know what quality is most important to me in a man, why don't I start with men who have that quality, and then let everything else fall into place? Seems logical and too obvious right? Well it is, and yet it's not that simple. I can't go too deep into why on here, but let's just say that there aren't many suitable options out there. In my tight niched world, there are maybe 2 in a pool of 100, and 1 of them is already married. On top of that there are 50 woman standing at that same pool, staring at that 1. You want to talk about competition?!

And then, to add another layer of complexity, I'm not even ready for this superstar man that may or may not be out there! How hilarious is that?! Not to mention that I'm not supposed to find him, and he's actually the one who finds his wife.

But you know what? All is not lost. Even with all of that, I can still step off that old road and stop making these "friends". I don't think I can handle anymore "friends" who want more. It's not going to work for me. Sorry. It's not that I don't want friends/acquaintances. It's just that it sucks always having to say no thank you. So consequently, I need to think about where I'm meeting all these "friends" and stop going there. lol. It's time to start going to another type of party, while I sit quietly and get myself together. It's the only way.

"I'd imagine though that it's hard for you to find someone who has the spiritual side intact but also has the looks, style, ambition, and personality that you enjoy and won't bore you." - Mikesee
Now ain't that the truth!

Ok. This is the last post in a while about men. It ain't all about ya'll... you do know that right?! Lol. =)

It's Hard

This post and it's subsequent comments really upset my little sister today. Being raised the way we were, my sister and I are pretty much "good girls". But from the post/comments, it's pretty much clear that dudes aren't checking for the "good girls". Well, let's not say that. Let's say that dudes aren't checking for "good girls" who are virgins. To be a good girl is okay because mature men are looking to wife up the good girls. But a good girl with no experience in the bedroom is just too much.

I've been through experiences where I've had crushes on guys and they've avoided me because they didn't want to corrupt me. While it sucks at first, it becomes a blessing. It's a great thing when your character speaks for itself and helps to avoid compromising situations. I'm thankful for those crushes who had enough respect for me.

Within the last couple of days, there have been ideas and thoughts tossed around that 'Grade A' men do not exist. And from what I read in that blogpost, I can see why my sis and friends believe so. I'm trying hard not to fall into that line of thought but shoooo... It's downright near impossible! The world and the people in it are a mess. JennWill said to me, "I guess for me I'd rather believe what I want doesn't exist and be surprised when he shows up rather then to believe he does and be waiting anticipating his arrival. That would make me impatient, which would be all bad... " I hear her. I really do. This approach does seem like the better way to go, and I'm thinking about adopting it, however.... I'm a dreamer. I see the world through rainbows. Adopting this mentality just would not be natural for me. Don't get it twisted though. I CAN do it. I can force myself to do anything. It's just a matter of whether or not I want to. What I'm worried about though, is becoming blind. If I do this, will I be able to notice a 'Grade A' man if he hit me upside my head? I'm not trying to have this man look at me and think to himself, "well dag. what happened to her?!" (cue song... Baag Laadyyyy. you gone miss your bus, draggin all them baaags like thaaaaat.)

I'm even more so concerned because my 'Grade A' man is SO rare. A man who's "in the Word" as my friend said yesterday. But he can't only be "in the Word", he has to live his life like it too. Now THAT, my friends, is hard and EXTREMELY rare. I don't know ya'll. I just don't know.

Here's how the convo with my sis ended.

me: yeah. that's another reason i'm so into my spirituality right now. of course i want to serve God just out of principle sake, but i can't meet anyone until i'm right. so i'm in this spirituality thing 100%. I have to be honest, it IS one of my motivating factors. it helps me to keep on the right road

sis: well, i hope you find what you trudging for on the other side then. God, I hope you find it, with all my heart

me: i can't even respond to that. it just hits a tear duct cuz i want it so bad

sis: its all i can say. I know

me: i hope you find it too Pooh.

sis: me too. GOSH

me: doing it the right way can't be bad it just can't. what's the point then? what are we doing then? but God promised us. He promised ME and i'm holding Him to it. i seriously sometimes want to shake God and say, "lookie here man."

sis: lol at your last line. I finally feel what you feel and i'm sitting here with tears in my eyes at work

me: yeah man it's hard def. hard.

sis: alright. Shake it off. and get back to work. I'll ttyl Jen.

me: ok

sis: I can't wait to see you on Sunday

me: ditto. holla girl.

Broken Hearted

I've been crying a lot lately. The love bug has got me twisted. I didn't know that I could still feel this way. In love that is. In love with someone I can't be with. I'm so not healed. I thought I was being that things were getting better. But all of a sudden... wham!... without warning, I'm curled up in a ball trying to hold my heart together.

I need time. A lot of time. I need to heal.

Stuff On The Brain

I am in quite a jovial mood right now. I can say that a lot of my mood is due to the fact that I do not have to get up to go to work tomorrow. Ha ha ha!!!! Wooohoooo! Sundays sure do feel good when you don't have anywhere to be on Monday morning. I actually get to ENJOY my Sunday. Hallelujah! I love being a free soul. Even though I know I have them, I feel like I have not a care in the world right now. This break is soooooo nice. You just don't even know. Now the question of the day, or the century rather is, how can I make this last?!!!!

Haven't actually been on my p's and q's with my spirituality. I be slacking ya'll! A yo! Hold up for a second. HOL UP! How come I'm the only one that ever has to get up and go to church on Sunday? Why I ain't got no church goin friends huh? I always gots to be the only one leaving the spot early Saturday night. No fair! I need to find me some church goin friends yo. Seriously. I need more people like me... I don't think that I really roll with people I can indentify with 100%. I mean I suppose that's to be expectant being that we're not robots, but I don't have any roll partners/friends like me. I'm always the one sticking out like a sore thumb. I think, no... I know that's because I don't have any spiritual brothers and sisters in NY. I mean I do, but not j.a.c.-like spiritual brothers and sisters. I'm talking about the easy going, friendly, just trying to survive like me spiritual girlfriends and guy friends, ya know? Eh. It is what it is. (I miss you JennWill!)

So I think that I'm quite content with my life right now. I think that I have everything that I could possibly want (except a job and a man), but you know what I mean. I have my health (thank goodness that all this tooth pain is gone!), I have all the support in the entire world (yeah ya'll! my family LOVES them some j.a.c.!), my finances are in o-r-d-e-r (who would have thought that I would get a refund check from my old car insurance company! can you say ON TIME?), I'm still pretty smart (I don't know why I say 'still' like the smart juice is going to seep out of my brain through my ears or something, but I am very grateful that I have a brain, cuz some of these people out here... man), and my soul is quiet. I think that last one is the most important to me. My soul is pretty peaceful and it makes for such a good life. I have no nonsense in my life. No drama. No emotional pain. No bad choices to live with. I can say that I've been pretty blessed. God be takin care of me yo! I'm tellin you!

A commercial just came on BET of a bunch of male model naked nasties. Ugh! I can't stand looking at these calendar men with no clothes on. I don't know who thinks that's sexy but something about those men just make me want to throw up. They look so gay. I don't care how many ripples you have in your stomach. If you're posing for a calendar with your hand down there trying to look all sexy in the camera, something's not right. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's just not right.

So the reason why I'm watching BET (cuz I have to explain that) is because Keyshia Cole's show is on and I like Keyshia. So from time to time, when I'm flipping through, I pause on her show. Now you want to talk about some drama. Why is Neffe's baby's daddy holding the baby while barking and cursing at Neffe? Wouldn't you think that as you're holding your son next to your chest with all those angry rhthyms and vibrations and bad energy... that it's going to adversely affect the baby? See that's selfish right there. That's what parents don't understand. It's not all about you anymore. It's about that baby that you're holding against your chest while you're screaming at your baby's mother. Who cares what relationship and situation you have going on with your son's mother. The negativity must stop! It's not good for your child! So Squash that! At least while in front of your child. Next thing you know, that little boy is going to be disrespecting and screaming at women in his life. It's just not right. It's ignorant. (I can't stand cursing. Even though it's all around me and I might want to scream a vulgarity every now and then, something about cursing just gives me the creeps. Maybe it's how people curse. I think it's because cursing is usually a manifestation of anger. And I don't like anger or angry people. But I'm a big girl. I can handle it. I guess.)

Hmmm. What am I going to do tomorrow? I think it's time to buckle down and spend the day trying to find a job. I know that I do not want to stay in New York City. That much is clear. So now that I have that ironed out, I can put a little muscle into my transition. I completely revamped my resume today so I'm ready to do what I have to do. I pray that I'll find something vaguely interesting. I have decided that I will not compare my next job to Essence because there is nothing that can touch Essence. My next job will not be like Essence and that's okay. What's next will be next. Now if this future job can have something to do with culture, entertainment, media, creative or performing arts, I'll be content.

Oh! I'm going to work out tomorrow. Do my NYC ballet workout DVD and work on tightening up these thighs of mine. I'm about to be so sore, but I love the feeling. That means I worked it out. I wish I had an empty studio space. That's something I definitely have to have when I build my dream house. (I never thought about building a dream house. Hmmm.) I want a real studio space with mirrors and a bar all to myself. That will be marvelous.

Alright. I'm going to write in my journal now because I want to drop some real thoughts that I can't really speak about to the world. Have a great week.

Love

I want a special kind of love. I want it to be so amazing, so full of life, so right that it moves mountains and touches the world. I want the kind of love that you see in movies. The kind that makes you cry. The kind that fills your heart with so much longing and faith that you feel like a better person after being a part of it. I want something that they say is impossible. Where two people come together and know that it's right. I want the kind of love that people search blindly for. The kind that no one thinks they can get or deserve. I want more than an everyday love. I want an outstanding love because I believe in it. I believe in it. I know that it exists out there! The kind of love that I know I deserve can't be dead. It just can't be. Because I can't survive with less. I'm just not capable of being in a regular, normal love. I'll suffocate in that kind of settlement. It has to be real, undying, uncompromising, passionate, faithful love. It has to be all-encompassing. I want the kind of love that is alive at all times, even when we're mad at each other. I want a special kind of love. It has to be out there. I have to believe.

Basic Instinct - My Reaction

I just finished watching Basic Instinct. It was my first time seeing it. I think my day is ruined. I probably shouldn't have watched it first thing in the morning. I feel a little screwed up. I will never look at Sharon Stone the same way again.

I need to watch a romantic comedy right now. Maybe that'll kick this creepy tingle I have going down my spine.

Well they surely don't make movies like that anymore.

Perfectly Melancholy

A tear squeezed out of my eye before I could catch it
In the palm of my hand
A hand that hasn't been held in a very long time
It's my turn to lay in the dark
Pitch blackness that comforts me more than a lover's voice
All the noises are purposefully silent
Quiet enough for me to hear my own soft and even breathing
Preferring the dark random moments
Allowing me time to restore my missing inner peace
Pure minutes of living between chaos
Nothing's wrong but nothing's particularly right
It's in this space where I'm warm
Lyrics can sweep and lay heavily on top of me
Blue notes can crush my heart
The tears that well up behind my eyes overflow
Breezes are thick with passion
I'm in love with this gaping hole in my universe
A divinely paralleled place
Inspiring beyond any potential comparison
I'm at home here
I am perfectly melancholy

What Should She Wear?!! - Michelle Obama

This alone has me super excited about the Inauguration! What is Michelle Obama going to wear!!!!!?????

Michael Kors, Diane Von Furstenburg, Monique Lhuillier Oh MY! Choices, choices, choices. Oh what I wouldn't give to be in her position right now!

Since it's going to be freezing, I personally think she should go for a bomb winter coat ensemble. My vote is for sketch number 33 shown here. That coat is FIERCE! Christian Lacroix worked it out! Do you hear me?! WORKED IT OUT!

Check out all her options here!

What's your favorite? What do you think your next first lady should wear on this upcoming historic day?

I Don't Know

The place where I hate to be the most.

Are you moving back to MD? i don't know.
Do you want to stay in NY? I don't know.
Do you want to go back to Time Inc.? I don't know.
When do you think you'll move? I Don't Know.
What do you want to do with your life? I Don't Know.
What's most important to you right now? I DON'T KNOW.
Do you want to be left alone? I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST DON'T KNOW!

Ran-dumb Thoughts

I'm a mess.
I'm so out of wack.
This is what happens when I don't have structure.
My emails are a mess.
I'm not sure which ones I answered and which I didn't.
What should be marked unread and what I can ignore.
I didn't wrap my hair last night because I simply didn't care.
So now I look like a crazy person.
I can't seem to keep my area straight.
I have unemployment papers and car insurance information spread everywhere.
Usually I'm really good about putting my handbags away, but right now, I can see 4 of them over the edge of my labtop screen.
I've been holding on to these Netflix DVDs forever because I don't know where a mailbox is!
I used to mail my DVDs at work.
Where do the unemployed mail their mail?!
And when and how do I eat?
Aren't there specific hours to eat?
Like 9am, 12:30pm and 6pm?
I never eat at those times anyway, but at least there were open spaces made for them.
My whole day is an open space.
An open hole.
I feel like I'm shuffling around in the dark.
This is what happens to me when I have no structure.
When I have no job.
I need a to do list.
Most of all, I need a desk.
A to do list won't matter if I don't have a reason to do any of it.
I have not a deadline to keep and no where to sit to force myself to keep a deadline.
I feel bad being knocked out when my cousin and aunt leave for work everyday.
They're probably thinking, "this bum! you mooch!".
And it's bumming me out.
It bothers me to sit.
My mood is...

I left the Alvin Ailey performance early yesterday.
I couldn't do it anymore.
If I were to sit there through Revelations, I know I would have screamed.
I just couldn't do it.
My aunt and cousin were probably wondering what was wrong with me.
Everything was wrong yesterday.
I wasn't myself.
I'm still not myself.
Besides, the pain in my mouth was killing me.
I didn't think wisdom teeth extraction would be such a big deal.
These 4 holes in my mouth are quite annoying.
I tried to eat a sandwich yesterday.
Wrong move.
I should've stuck to the pudding and jello.
The lower right hole in my mouth is so tender.

I'm beginning to get that itch.
The rollercoaster ride itch.
The emotion swirling dipping and diving itch.
The itch for magic.
The itch for glory.
But I know better.
I need to open my eyes.
I need to smack myself out of it.
I told my ex-fiance yesterday that I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.
I used to exist by them.
I told him that I don't think I'll never have a diamond ring.
He yelled at me for not having faith.
Well...
Reality is reality.
My dreams are dead.
At least those kind of dreams are.

I don't want to stop writing.
What would I do afterwards?
Lay back down?
Close my eyes and think?
Think about what?
It's too cold to get up.

Let Him Lead

All this Ms. Independent stuff seems wonderful doesn’t it? Ne-Yo has single-handedly revolutionized who the independent woman is and what it means to be one. Men and women alike seem to love the concept. My homeboy Mike wrote once, “But Ne-Yo neatly describes the type of woman that turns me on and impresses me. Of course he doesn’t cover everything though. And yes it is something about a woman that has her stuff together and doesn’t need you but chooses to spend time with you because she genuinely enjoys you and sees as much in you as you do in her. To each his own - I know some of you fools like a trophy wife or a chick you can manipulate/control all the time - but give me Miss Independent.” Woman all around me are either stepping up their game to be the “independent woman” that Lauren London and Gabby Union portray in that stunning video, or pumping their feminist fists in the air and rolling their necks as their theme song blairs through the speakers.

Well ladies. Let me warn you. While it is great to have your own, be careful how far you take that mess. I sent a text message to a friend that said, “I’m taking your lead.” He replied back in shock, “And you follow a man’s lead?” Huh?! I’m confused. Is that surprising? If so, why? Isn’t that what woman are supposed to do - follow a man’s lead? Ladies ladies ladies. Why do we have men out here feeling like we want to handle/lead/control everything? I’m sure I don’t have to remind you but when we were created, we were created as help mates. That’s not to say that we’re weak or less qualified. Notice that Adam COULD NOT survive without Eve. Men need us! They need help. Haven’t you notice how your man can’t even pick out an outfit without asking you for advice (which is so sweet and endearing, isn't it?)! However, it is ESSENTIAL that you let…a man…be…a man. Yes, it’s true that we pretty much run things, but because you know this (and in most cases they know this too), you have to at least let them take the lead. Let me give you an example of how this works. If you are in the car together and you suggest he takes route A which is free of traffic or cuts the travel time down by 10 minutes, yet he thinks route B is best, let him go his way. When he runs into traffic or ends up lost, don’t trip and certainly don’t say that you told him so. Let him be the man that he is and find his way out. Although it may burn you up inside and eat at your soul, simply sit back and let him have the control. Not only will it allow him to feel like he wasn’t nagged into doing something he didn’t want to do, but he’ll respect your advice (which is usually 90% correct), AND take it next time! Lol. Imagine how nice it will be next time to hear, “Babe. Which way do you think we should go?” It’s really not that hard. At least not after you get past the first burning hurdle and learn to shut your mouth! =)

The most rewarding part of it all though is that following a man’s lead who has your best interest at heart is relaxing! Talk about a load off! As an independent woman who takes care of herself and makes decisions every single day, I would find it very refreshing to come home to a man who’s got me. To be able to sit back and have someone else make all the decisions for once will be like a slice of heaven right on time. Enjoy the “headship arrangement” and the advantages of being a woman ladies. And remember, two people can’t drive one car. If you try, there will be an accident.