The Perfect Song

On her way to work this morning, Zuri opens her journal to jot down a few important topics looming in her mind. As the train is terrorized with heavy silence, she sticks her ipod's earbuds into her ears to fill the deadly space. While scratching through one page after another with red ink, Zuri feels busy; that is until the song came on. Without warning, the sweet sounds of a keyboard and bass guitar floods into her head. Zuri hypnotically puts the pen away and closes her journal. To heighten her ability to take in the fullness that is "You're The One For Me" by Smokey Robinson featuring Joss Stone, Zuri closes her eyes. It has never become more important to block out all the other four senses until that moment. What went from busy now morphed into a sweet tranquility. Zuri knows before the first verse is over that she needs to change the song settings on her ipod to repeat. There is no way she can get enough of this song. It is the epitome of perfection.

Youre The One For Me (featuring Joss Stone) - Smokey Robinson


Can't you just feel the Chicago step or the cha cha to this song? =) I'm reading the lyrics to the song above... How do you know that someone is the one for you? Hmm. That's an age old question if there was one. The answer lies in time though. Only time will tell right?

Mood: Melancholy

My mind's been going a thousand miles a minute. Planning, daydreaming, considering, worrying, intellectualizing (is that a word?), etc. This morning I prayed for a quiet spirit. I prayed for peace. As I've said before, if I could change my middle name, it would be to Peace. It's such an important concept. Vital for my life. I had a fantastic weekend, however. Can't really complain when you spend most of it contemplating the things of Jah. My heart was so full yesterday as I connected with some amazing women, one in particular who continues to keep me in awe.

When I came home last night, I took a few minutes to dance ballet in front of the mirror in the basement. I'm working on strengthening my legs. During those few minutes that I spent doing basic port de bras, tendus, and turns, I was in a different world. I felt so light and airy it was weird. I felt free. I miss dance with all of my heart. Watching SYTYCD inevitably reignites whatever fire burns inside of me for the art form. I promised my other sister that we would take a challenging class on Wednesdays. That creates somewhat of a problem with my job however. On my to do list today is to speak with my director about the lack of balance this job affords me. I pray I can conjure up the nerve and clarity to say everything I'm feeling before I leave her office. I really need her to understand. I don't live to work. I work to live. I want to work to afford time to dance. I want to work so that I can afford to breathe.

I am a complete fool when I'm watching SYTYCD. I promise you that my heart stops beating every time. In addition to all the jumping up and down and screaming I do, the chills spread through me like a tidal wave. It's the best feeling in the world. That show makes me feel so exhilarated.

Be careful what you ask for, they say. Today's my light day of the month. I wish it were heavy instead.

My mom is asking sooo many questions. It's becoming increasingly difficult to respond to her. I had to tell her that I didn't want to talk about a certain topic yesterday. Once she gets something into her head that she's all gung ho for, she pushes its potential joys on others full force. "Wouldn't it be so great J!" Deep breath. She doesn't really know what she's doing, nor will I tell her. But the weight is heavy. The weight is really really heavy. I wish she would catch a hint because I'm hurting inside. I just got this overwhelming feeling to cry. But I won't. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't walk down the path I did. I've been listening to one of my old CDs from Cali times and Kumasi says it the best. "God don't make yesterdays, only tomorrows." Moving on.

I'm sitting here with so much to say but nothing to say at all. What I wish I could do is take a day off and lay in the grass somewhere and stare at the clouds. Or take it to the beach. I miss the beach. Either way, to lay there and let the breeze sweep me would be perfect. I'm huge fans of air and breezes. During family worship a while back, the four of us went around and shared what part of Jehovah's creation we're most enthralled with. My dad said the birds, my sis said whatever is beautiful like the foliage in our neighborhood. I said that I respect the air, the sky and the breeze. I guess that's why I like the beach so much. You get all sorts of air and breezes there. You know what else?! Air and breezes are synonymous to peace!

I feel like I'm almost there. All of the prayers that I've been offering are right outside of my grasp. I can taste the success. I can feel the blessings coming. I wonder though if I'll ever stop wanting something so badly. Will there ever come a time when I have everything I've ever wanted or will there be something else to pleadingly petition Him for? Hmmm....

Yeah so... melancholy.

Nite.

My brain is fried. And I don't even want to watch my favorite show of all time (So You Think You Can Dance). I just want to sit here and let the steam roll off. Let the silence cool my brain cells off. I think I did too much today. I had too many intense conversations on top of too many intense projects. All the while trying to format the entire billing file for all Washington Post digital campaigns, I had conversations on chat, AIM and the phone that ranged from the challenges of dating to the heartbreak of a 5 year separation to the validity of a questionable man-made prophecy to the loss of spiritual footing in a congregation. While every single one of my conversations was deep and required more attention that I was prepared to give, I still managed to get my work done. Well most of it. There are still a couple of kinks I need to work out tomorrow, but I'm in a good place.

The conversation that concerned me the most however was the one I had with my little spiritual brother S.M. Our exchange started on a happy note but the little and jovial-ness of it all quickly dissapated when he got to talking about how unsettled he is in his spirituality. It's crazy because this was the same guy who had to check me when I was making bad decisions. It seems as if the tables have turned as he feels that he has no where to turn. I feel a little guilty for not being able to turn everything off and give him 110% of my attention because he really needed it. I'm not quite sure what to do at this point. He's engaging in some things that are not good for him and while I know what needs to be said and done, I want to do it in a way that'll reach him the best. I'm trying to give it to him with a spoon full of sugar. I have to figure this one out.

But I'm going to bed people. And yes, it's only 9am. But I'm done. I have this sharp pain in my side that feels like it's telling me that I'm doing too much. I can't even think about taking my shower right now. A morning shower will have to do.

Nite.

Immediate Things To Do

1. Book flight to New Orleans

2. Missy
-tires
-40,000 mile service

3. Update resume

OMG!

My eyes are popping out of my head on this one!! What kind of sick nonsense is this?!!!

Low Down Dirty Shame

“I have had two women take my man. We had been together for two years, lived together, shared a car, dogs, everything, and the whole time he was stepping out with two females. One who was supposed to be a high school friend. And to top it off, both females are pregnant by him and due in November and December. One put holes in the condom.”
—Dawn G., 27, Houston


Source - Essence.com

Lame

i swear that blog world is dead. no one is on here like they used to. we all used to be pressed to rush on blogworld to see what was going on in each other's lives or to just to comment on someone else's post whether you read it or not to evoke a response on yours. what happened to those days? we had a little community on here too where everyone pretty much trafficked to each other in circles. if your blog was listed on one friends "blogs I read" column, then it was on everyone's.

so what happened?

well here's my hypothesis. after a while, posts start to become redundant. after years of loyalty, the topics start to get annoying and old and i start thinking to myself, "well apply to school already!" or "when will you learn that you need to dump him?" or "please don't tell me you're complaining AGAIN?" it is indeed true that we pretty much stick with our same set of issues. but umm... people... [blank stare]... you do realize that that's not good right?

so that brings me to the point of this whole blog.

are we evolving as human beings, or stuck in a cycle of crap. i can only answer that personally. i know i'm not the same person that i was when i first started this blog in '06, but i wonder if my subconscious thoughts, which definitely come out in my writing, have progressed. do i pretty much stick to the same things? and i don't mean preferences. yes, i prefer to write ran-dumb thoughts, things about fashion, love and relationships (bah!), career happenings, etc. but when i'm really writing, and about meaningful things, what is it about? the scriptures say that out of the heart's abundance the mouth speaks. so when i'm writing the truth, what does my heart say? is it any different from what it said 3 years ago?

that's a good question. but quite frankly, i don't have the time to do the research and analysis. the only thing i know is that blogs are beginning to drive me crazy. they never change. even with my personal journal writing... i don't even wanna crack it open to write out the same crazy mind-rants that i'm sure i've written before. what's the point? the things that i thought were sooo important back then, make absolutely no ripple in my pond now-a-days. i don't even know what's important anymore. what are we all talking about?!

can you believe it's come down to blogging about having nothing to blog/write about? lame.

Training for Balance Sheet Recs - Tuesday, 3pm

They're giving me something else new to learn! OMG! Leave me alone! I just barely finished my first month of the 5 new duties you gave me last month! Yes I finished everything, but with massive headaches, late night hours, and a couple of tears. I barely got through it! I NEED a minute. Please allow me time to get comfortable with what I have first. Pleeeeeeeaaaaaasssseeeee. I beg of you.

Ran-dumb Thoughts

I feel good today.
I'm finally "going back to Cali" in September for my girl's wedding.
She got engaged this month.
I love quick engagements.
That's what's up when you know what you know.
I forgot that this weekend was a holiday weekend so that was a nice surprise gift for me.
I neeeeeed a day off and a short work week already.
I want to take advantage of Monday too.
Do something I don't normally do.
It could be a spa day or something.
Maybe take a drive down to the beach Betsy was talking about.
The sister I study with asked me if seeing my sis and her bf together affects me at all.
In an emotional envious type of way.
I understood where the question was coming from, but I had to laugh.
Those two don't affect me like that.
They're never affectionate around me, and even if they were, I'd be grossed out.
They don't evoke those 'awwww' sentiments.
And I never see them.
Chillin with the fam is not something they do.
I'm so excited about the American Idol finale!
Kris Allen all the way baby!
JennWill and I are still going down to New Olreans whether we have Essence Music Festival txts or not.
Spontaneity at its best.
How could we NOT have a good time?
I read an article on Jennifer Hudson on the train this morning.
She bores me to death.
There is nothing likable about her.
Her and Chrisette Michele.
I love my Madewell white jeans!
Might need another pair.
Perhaps this time from J.Crew though.
I should get some classic ones.
I need summer work pants too.
I'm hungry.
There needs to be free bagels on Tuesdays too, not just Mondays.
You know what else they give us free here?!
I totally forgot how valuable this is!
Gentleman, ignore the next couple of lines.
They give us feminine products!
The bathroom is stocked full of them.
Now you know that's super exciting!
I have a couple of things to hit and quick at work today.
I'm going to be super focused and get them done so I can reward myself this afternoon.
Did I tell you that I've been feeling needy recently.
Man, I can't wait until this goes away.
PmS, what can ya do?
I need some new music, bad.
I'm tired of Drake, Jesse, Little Brother, Keri and Kid Cudi.
Is anyone hitting the airwaves anytime soon?
Sheesh.
Maybe I should stop by Target and pick up that 3-CD Prince set.
That should keep me entertained for a while.
Gosh I'm hungry.
Let's see what's in the vending machine this morning.
Tee hee hee.

Aveeno

I'm in love with Aveeno. From the bath and shower gel to the lotion and back. Even though I've been using it for years, I just realized that I am positively in love with the stuff. From today on out, I promise to never stray from my Aveeno products. I got a huge tub of Intense Relief Repair Cream from one of the beauty give-a-ways when I used to work for Essence, that is to die for. I mean, I never have to lotion up more than once. And even on a day that I become haphazardly lazy and fail to roll out my beauty regiments, my skin still feels silky. I love it! I've finally found a product that kisses my skin. Yoo hooo!

Oh! I heard that Ambi was pretty great too. I may take a dabble of someone else's tube of lotion if I ever come across it. Oh and Neutrogena Makeup Removal Cleansing Clothes are the truth. But yeah, Aveeno for life baby!

I'm The Leading Lady In My Own Movie

I feel it again! That adorable, happy sensation called love! I just watched one of my favorite movies ever and I feel like I saw, heard and felt things that I hadn't the first 10 times that I've seen it. The score, the one liners, the looks... they all made me feel it! It's honestly been a while since I've felt that blushing moment when someone says they love you for the first time. And even though it didn't happen to me per se, the movie helped me to realize that I'm grateful for the sensation. The blushing feeling, the goosebumps, the swelling warm heart, etc. I'm grateful that it all exists, and I know that I hopefully will feel it again. Someday. I feel like calling someone and being mushy with them, but since I don't have that option I'm trying to write down this thing inside of me. Word for word. Emotion for emotion.

What this movie does though, is makes me want to be truthful with the idea of "love". It makes me take a candid picture of myself and evaluate whether or not I love the way I want that next man to love me. As free, spontaneous and fun as I want my future relationship to be, this movie pushes me claim spontaneity and fun in my own life. I have to admit, I am bit of a stickler, so it takes work for me to let go and be silly. It takes work for me to be free and emit rays of sunshine and energy. But that's why I love movies! They help you to realize emotions and to see things in characters that you want to toy around with for yourself.... Wait a minute... I have a thought here... follow me on this one if you will... Sooooo, I think that characters in movies are idealized versions of people that writers really would like to see in the world. People with extremely open hearts or people with vast amounts of guts - those who turn their dreams into realities. So since we're kinda seeing a fantasy version of what the world should really look like (through a writer eyes)....you know, the things that make life beautiful....I like to take a little piece of it with me and add it to my personality. This might not make ANY sense at all, but the moral of the story is that I LOVE movies and I LOVE what they do to me. I love who they help me to become. And as a result for my love of movies, I have this whole concept of 'creating movie moments' in my own life that I like to do from time to time. I become the leading lady in my own movie. Yep! I've always wanted a knight in shining armor to say to me what so and so said to his leading lady in that romantic film, but since I've wised up and realized that life ISN'T a movie in other people's minds, I need to take the lead and create my own movie moments. I did so recently and I'm sure - actually 100% positive - that my co-lead will never forget that moment. It was movie-perfect.

So if you haven't seen "The Holiday" with Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, Jude Law, and Kate Winslet, rent it now. It's an extremely underrated film. I relate to it in so many ways. And it's deep too because it's honestly about being the leading lady in your own movie. The movie is simply divine.

T.G.I.F.

You have no idea how happy I am that it's Friday. This week was no joke. I swore I was ready to pass out at least 4 times at work. And it didn't help that I had a stress attack Wednesday. My co-worker said she felt bad for me. =/

But this weekend is going to be all about me! My parents are going away for the anniversary and I'm super excited for some peace or extreme stereo blasting loudness, depending on the mood that I'm in.

Here's the weekend round-up.

Tonight - I wanna keep it low-key. Maybe I'll hit the movies. Anyone saw Next Day Air? My sis will be gone tonyt too though. It'll be nice to have an entire house to myself. I might have to take advantage of that.

Saturday - Service in the morning and Drake's concert at night. OH! I gotta get my car emissions tested! I think I'm late too. Definitely gotta do that tomorrow. I need to look into getting four new tires too. And a tune up. Missy needs to be refreshed.

Sunday - After the meeting and family worship, I think I'll make it a Netflix day. I also have this scrapbook that I want to start working on. My scrapbook of inspiration. Quotes that I like, fashions I admire, scriptures I want to keep close, women I look up to, pics of friends I can't live without... stuff like that. Stuff that makes me me.

So yeah that's it.

What are your plans this weekend?

I Feel Like A Man

Due to a late night at the office, I was privy to spend time with the co-worker who I thought I was going to eventually have to fight. lol. In our hour together, we talked about everything including... dun dun duuuuuun... love and relationships. I learned that my co-worker, who is from Pakistan, had an arranged marriage not even 6 years ago. As discussions continued, I told him that I wish I could have an arranged marriage and that I would totally trust my parents to pick the best future husband for me.

As a result, since last night, I've been thinking alot about why I feel this way and even had a few discussions this morning about it. Here are some snippets below.

me: yes bump romantic love

MJ: what kind of love do you believe in then?

me: i believe that it exists, but i don't really have any faith in romantic love. i've had that plenty times before and it ended in chaos. i believe in agape but in terms of romantic love...

i would rather be set up, and let it come afterwards. everyone falls "in love". it's flimsy. like a piece of paper. Jordan Sparks has a new song called Love Is A Battlefield. i hate to say this, but i feel her! i don't want to be cynical and "damaged" per se, but i don't know. Jordan says to get your armour and i think that's real.

MJ: it sucks because things shouldn't be like that...barriers are built up of course from past hurt and those barriers are not broken down as soon as you get into a relationship but don't let that past hurt punish your next BF

me: yep i know i'll be careful

MJ: its a balancing act! and super hard

me: it won't be blatant that i'm weary. i won't push that in anyone's face but i will be very quiet. i can see myself just sitting back and watching

MJ: yeah... listen. very important... keep ur eyes open to potential issues, while avoiding excess scrutiny since no one is perfect

MJ's last statement hit home for me. I've always known how I would handle future situations, but never knew how to express it.

And then my other co-worker said this:

I think the love brings the two people together, however a marriage isn't going to work unless a few other things happen (mutual respect, compassion, ability to compromise, etc...). In addition, I think one of the biggest reason why they don't work is because people don't hash over enough potential issues that may arise after marriage. I can go on all day about this!

And finally, here's where my issue is illuminated.

me: love is overrated. let me correct myself. romantic love is overrated.

BT: romantic love is overrated....hmmm....i think in the beginning its there, then over time the relationship becomes very ummm...like, shyt becomes practical after a while. like the love is there but it becomes more functional. thats the word,functional. like who takes care of what...who specializes in this...how can you both work to make this/that work...yada yada. compromise. functional. so u know...love will always be there but people have issues with the functional aspects. if that makes sense.

me: EVERYONE falls in love. most don't know how to stay there. so i saw let's get the other stuff together first. compromise, respect, trust, etc. and THEN see if there's romantic love. and even with all of that, the things that hold two people together, i can understand wanting a relationship to be hot and heavy. like where's the passion! why isn't he cupping my face in his hand and staring deep into my eyes?! yeah well, umm, bump that!!!! you can give that to someone else! i feel like i'm turning into a man. lol. i don't wanna be this way!!!!

I'm not even sure how to put a conclusion on this. I guess it just leaves a whole lot of questions (which I honestly do know the answer to). I don't want to appear hurt, but do I? Could my heart be a little iced over? Will it be harder for the next dude? Either way, Raplh Waldo Emerson said it best, "Experience Is The Best Teacher." And as for me, I learn from the past.

What's Your Take?

Idol Talk

Kris Allen is THE MAN!

Did you see him perform Kanye's "Heartless"? How bold was he to do that?! When he announced he was singing that song, I was very confused, but I can happily say that there was no need to have no fear because Kris Allen was there! He was all up IN that song. I must say that it was a great rendition. Smart song choice Kris! Because if Kanye hears that, and doesn't allow his ego to overshadow the fact that it was a great interpretation of the song, Kris might even get 'Ye's backing. =O And you know once Kris is accepted into the hip hop click, it's over. How exciting would that be for Kris!?

I really hope Kris wins. The other two are great singers, but Kris has that X factor. Danny has a wonderful Teddy Pendergrass, David Ruffin sound to his voice, but his stage presence is lackluster. That man can't hold my attention visually no better than a cow in a farm eating grass. Adam... I don't know about him. I'm just tired of him screaming at me all the time. And all of this acting... oh gosh! Paaaalease! He's just not likable to me. And it doesn't help that he's playing modest. Always mouthing 'thank you' and nodding at the judges. *rolling my eyes* Give it up Adam. You know you want to tell everyone you're the best. I bet he wishes he could get the "humble" epithet that the judges and Ryan give Kris. Yeah well Adam, you must not be that great of an actor after all.

Like I said earlier, Kris has it all. He's not as vocally powerful as Danny and he doesn't have as many octaves as Adam, but Kris' package is complete. Not only is he good looking and has a fantastic voice, but he has stage presence AND can play musical instruments! I feel like people are overlooking that fact. The piano and the acoustic guitar people. Come on. I know this is a singing competition, but seriously. When has Idol ever really been just about singing? All the talk about becoming marketable, having confidence, being original, finding your personality, etc., it can't be all about the voice.

Kris is a pure artist and he's likable. He's not conjured up like Adam, and he's not missing something like Danny.

Kris needs to be the next American Idol.

Words of Wisdom

"Don't let friends impose on you, work clamly and silently."

I needed this today. Woo-saaa.

It's Monday And I Have Nothing To Say

I'm running out of things to say. I don't want to talk about the obvious therefore I try to stay away from men. Everyone talks about the opposite sex. All the time. I want more intriguing subjects to rationalize on. Anyone have any ideas? I used to write my behind off on this blog back in '06 and '07. All sorts of topics. Poetry and lyrics too. I definitely had more soul stirring experiences back then. Drama, if you will. I hate that word though. I'd rather say occurances. Right now life is very quiet. Nothing's really happening. There are no 'in love' juices boiling inside of me, so I can't write a symbolic prose about the things that it does to me. I'm not annoyed, irritated or angry about anything, so there's no desperation crying to be released from my inward parts. I'm just here. Things are just...going. The things that are going seem to be so futile. My job offer, the shows I've attended, my side projects, hobbies and interests. The last movie I saw. What Rihanna wore yesterday. None of it is impressive. Repetitive is what it is.

But sometimes the glory of it all lays in the details. The small things...

It's 8:53 in the morning. Just finished an onion bagel. I have a steaming cup of hot chocolate sitting inches from my left hand waiting to be consumed. John Mayer is crooning his hit "Daughters" in my ears. Father's be good to your daughters/Daughters will love like you do. How true. Within this internet explorer window, I have two other tabs showing. Gmail - Inbox (13). Pandora Radio - Listen to... Thirteen unread emails. I have to fix that. I'm obsessive when it comes to keeping my inbox clean. That and my pinkblackberry.... The paper cup that was once filled with hot chocolate is now empty. My pinkbberry isn't flashing anymore and my inbox is now full of messages that are glazed in grey. I guess the day can begin.

Happy Monday. Even though it's just the beginning of the week, try to find the jewel in the day. I know I will.

To The Point Rant

Adam on Idol is getting on my dag on nerves. There's something about him that is beginning to irritate the mess out of me. He had me for a little while, but his magic spell that he tries to put on people is fading. He's not genuine. The next American Idol should be Kris Allen. If they should award anyone for their truthfulness to the art form of singing, it should be him. It would make the biggest artistic statment if he won.

I hate my hair. Everytime I look at it I want to puke. I feel like a mom with all of this fullness and bounce. I need edgy. I wish I could pull a Cassie and do something really daring. JennWill just shipped me some of that Cali quality hair but I don't know what I'ma do with that yet. I just know that I hate my hair.

I am on an odyssey. I'm starting another journey with the bare minimum, trying to prepare myself for something big. I don't know what it is yet, but I definitely feel like I'm re-building and coming from nothing. It's as if I'm working on fattening up the skeleton of my life. Strange.

Got offered a full-time position today with benefits. My manager assume I would accept right away. I told her that I needed to see the offer. I was taught to negotiate.

If I had to pick fashion and beauty gurus (my sis asked me who mine were), they would be Rihanna and Keri. Rihanna can do no wrong in my opinion in the fashion department. Keri's hair and makeup are ALWAYS on point. Look at this chick on her debut red carpet appearance. Chick is bad. Shoulder pads and all.



The meeting was really good tonight. I had to tell Brother Jones how fantastic he was.

I'm traveling. That's what I'm going to do. Senegal, Paris and El Salvador. I will be making a travel club account tomorrow. I'm in dire need of a vacation right now. A beach in particular... and I'm tired of Miami. It's time to think big.

Making a list of things to pray for will be good. I often times stick to the same stuff forgetting that I needed to pray for this and that. A things-to-pray-for list is ideal.

V is coming home this weekend. Haven't seen her in a while. I'll probably hit the streets hard with N and V Saturday or Sunday. A girlfriend night is in need.

The older I get the more non-traditional I get. I used to be the little girl who dreamed of a wedding and the most beautiful gown. Funny how I don't even want one anymore and would rather get married in a suit or a shin length dress. However you cut it, I am definitely not a traditional type of girl. THIS is the kind of wedding ring I want. Unique.

New Weapon - Bleach and Hammers

"Chicks be coming in with the bleach and the hammer yo!"
"Huh?"
"With bleach and the hammer!"
"What does that mean?!"
"They throw the bleach in your face and then while you're blinded, bang you out with a hammer!"
"WOOOOOOOW!"

Happy Monday!

Single And Satisfied

This was the longest week of my life. Every single day that I woke up, and realized it wasn't Friday, felt like the death of me. So, in the spirit of Friday (THANK JEHOVAH), I thought I'd share something nice with all the single sisters out here in this crazy world. =) Essence did one of their 'this-is-actually-really-good-advice' posts again, which I appreciate. "Single & Satisfied? How To Live Your Best Live With or Without A Man" I really really really hate to admit this, but I had a one minute, no... ten second actually... whining fit this week regarding my single status. (You know I can't give it that much time!) I know everyone goes through that, but I try to suppress it as much as possible. lol. So to all the single sisters out there, continue to be as fabulous as you already know you are! And let me know what your favorite piece of advice is, or what you would like to work on! Enjoy and happy Friday!

Cheers To You
You’ve asked and we listened! Not every woman is pining after a man, nor should she be. But honestly, we all want someone to share life’s ups and downs with, right? What is a single sister to do? Keep reading our Single & Satisfied Guide for starters. We’ve got tips from experts and real women on living your life like it’s golden (because it is) with or without a man.
You’re welcome.

Don’t Put Your Life On Hold
“He’ll show up on God’s schedule—not yours. In the meantime, continue to enjoy life. Expose yourself to all sorts of experiences. Laugh often and love a lot. Strive to be a person who loves life and wants to share life with someone else. It’s the energy of a well-lived life that your soul mate will be attracted to,” advises Dr. Suzan D. Johnson Cook, author of “A New Dating Attitude: Getting Ready for the Mate God Has for You (Zondervan).”

Smile Bright
Showing off your pearly whites seems like a no-brainer, but being happy and showing it makes a bigger impact then you realize. Whether out with friends or walking down a quiet street, smile a little, and let others be drawn to your light.

Solo Escapes

“I have a great apartment in a fabulous city, great friends, I like to go out but I enjoy my Netflix nights too. I have lived in Germany and have traveled to places like Greece and Denmark. My current love is my new puppy, Dynamite!” exclaims Ronda T., a 37-year-old happily single sister in Los Angeles.

It Starts With You
“We place a lot of attention on what the other person should be like. But how do we get in a state of readiness to be with that person? While it’s important to seek specific qualities in a partner, not enough of us spend time on our own spiritual development. When I was ready to be married, I went on a prayer fast, setting aside time [away from daily activities] for personal growth,” says Cook.

Girl Talk
We all know her. She has the handsome, loving, corporate exec husband and never seems to complain about her marriage. But chances are if you take some time to find out what her day to day life is like instead of assuming, you’ll learn that it isn’t nearly as perfect as you think. That husband travels all the time, constantly works late and leaves her at home by with the kids regularly. Or maybe not. Bottom line, the grass always looks greener.

Living Single
Before Carrie Bradshaw and her crew rocked New York in “Sex and the City,” the ladies of “Living Single” highlighted the highs and lows of the single life. Having girlfriends who have your back never goes out of style.

Where My Girls At?
“Cherish your true friends. While you’re single you have more opportunity to build and nurture those friendships then you do as an attached woman. Your partner can’t be all things to you. Those friendships will help you sustain your union,” says Angela R., 51, who has been happily married for 22 years.

Engage in the Extra-curriculars
Being single gives you prime opportunities to engage in activities that you enjoy…by yourself. Love to cook? Why not register for a culinary class at your local community college to perfect your chef skills. Want to conquer your fear of the water? Sign up for a swimming class at the neighborhood YMCA. Not only are these excellent ways to past your time but you just might meet a new cutie pie there.

Stay True to Yourself
“I was really happy being single when I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t. When you’re happy you attract happy people. It’s funny because even in a relationship you have to remind yourself of that,” says Jayme G., 28, of Plainflied, New Jersey, who has been exclusive with her boyfriend for the past two years.

Have Faith
We know it’s frustrating to hear sometimes, but things do happen exactly when they are suppose to. “Remember that your soul mate is on his own journey. Be confident that a man who knows what he wants and where he is going will meet you halfway,” says Dr. Suzan D. Johnson Cook.

Enjoy Your Solo
From weddings to cruise vacations, recognize the great company you are and go to places you want to . . .alone. You can have a fabulous time, and have a better chance of coming away with new friends as you work the room.

Date, Date, Date!
Did we mention you should date? Every man you grab dinner and movie with doesn’t have to be your future husband or Denzel Washington. Go out. Live a little. Kiss a few frogs. Part of the beauty of being single is having the opportunity to experience new things with as many people as you please since you are not attached to one particular man. Enjoy and remember variety is the spice of life!

Happiness Is A Journey
Remember when your Granny told you that the happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they just make the best of what they have? Well, Granny was onto something. Think about it, don’t you know someone who earns a lot less than you yet still manages to always look fly, take fabulous trips and make their situation work for them—despite not having a huge paycheck? The same applies to your love life. The only thing that is consistent in your life is you. Work with what ya got.

Create Your Own Timelines
Ever since you turned 30 Auntie Ruth has been pestering you about finding a “good man” and not becoming an old maid. Well, politely tell Auntie Ruth that while you appreciate her concern, you’re not on anyone’s schedule but your own.
“Regardless of the not-so subtle hints thrown at us during the six years that we were dating and the three years we were engaged, my husband and I got married when we were supposed to,” says newlywed Pamela Christiani. She adds, “I wasn’t interested in rushing anything.”

My Girlfriends
The trials and tribulations that can come with marriage were highlighted on “Girlfriends” with Mya (Golden Brooks), right. Joan (Tracee Ellis Ross) on the other hand was filled with lists on everything from how long she needed to know a man before marrying to the number of months to wait to have sex. Losing strict guidelines frees you to enjoy people for who they are, a lesson Joan finally learned.

Don’t Stop Being Sexy…For You
Feel sexy in the skin you are in and continue to wear your cute lingerie, splurge on those sky-high stilettos or seductive perfume for YOURSELF.

Do You
If you have the perfect date idea, there is no reason to wait until a mystery guy shows up to do it. Do the things you love, from painting to cooking, and enjoy meeting people with similar interests.

Need Male Energy?
Don’t neglect your male friends and colleagues. Enjoy the company of men from the UPS guy dropping of a package to your friends from college.

Your Time to Shine
The more time you spend falling in love with yourself will enrich every other relationship in your life. So to all the single ladies, enjoy working the dance floor, keep your head high and stay open to a bright future ahead.

The New Louis Vuittons

So what do we think? If you've been keeping up with Concrete Loop, YBF and all the other gossip blogs out there, I'm sure you've seen them on a few celebrities (Bey, Ciara, etc.). So are they a yea or a nay? Personally, I think they're a lot, but I like them on. It's a good push from LV though. We haven't seen much from them in a while.

I Love This Guy

Top Secret Smiles and Hushed Giggles

You know what I've been doing a lot of lately? Laughing alone! It's not because I'm particularly crazy or anything, although I was in a rare, fun form last night with my silly self, but rather I'm extremely tickled by my family right now. More specifically, my sister and mom. Those two are pretty much the cause of these private smiles or quiet giggles that have people looking at me like I'm insane. For the past 10 days it seems, the three of us have been pretty ridiculous. Our coocoo and downright hilarious ways have been highlighted with the changing of the season, and I wonder how much longer this session of beserk-ness is going to last. I'm actually having a lot of fun so I hope it continues forever. Last night, all three of us were a hot mess as we tried unsuccessfully to prepare for the meeting. So much so that we all had our share of blunders and serious fashion mishaps. While trying to explain the parking arrangement to my mother last night, we all shared a good moment as we figured out that my mother truly is slow. lol. We've also let out our inner goofiness together while trying to figure out where all the food goes as we rationed portions of sushi, chicken pot pie and lamb to each other. In our family Bible study, all four of us cracked up at the early days of our family-hood and the things we all simultaneously thought years ago, but never shared. Under the right circumstances, all four of us actually, are truly comical together. My family makes me double over in pained laughter. I love these moments... And when we all go our separate ways, I'll hold on to them so I can continue to have top secret smiles and hushed giggles.

Maxwell - "Pretty Wings"

It's about time! You know how long I've been listening to this song?!!!

I think I'm in love with Maxwell. and I know I love this video. The simplicity is refreshing. It's so easy and pure. Who thought to capture the moment when a woman just lays in the bed with her eyes closed? We all do it. Whether we're tired, feeling a bit sad, or just don't want to get up yet. Laying in the bed fully awake but not up is something I love to do. Kicking covers off...turning to the other side...moving my fingers slightly... tiny movements... The unhidden treasures of resting. I really appreciate this video. Nice job Maxwell.

Priscilla Priscilla Priscilla. Good Lord Girl!

Priscilla covering Drake's "Best I Ever Had". Everytime I hear another version of this song (Drake's clean version and now this), I think, 'there's no way it could be better than the original!' Again, I put my foot in my mouth. I guess this is just one of those songs. No matter what you do to it, it cannot be ruined. That's genius right there. But anyway, no need to explain anything further. Just listen.

Amazin' by Kanye

Amazin' video to go with Amazin'.

Can I say it again? Please take me away to a place where love is like breathing... These scenes... so amazin'.

Mood: Frustrated

It's hitting me again. That ugly, gigantic wave of frustration is encircling me as I type this, and I can't escape. I'm frustrated with my family, with one of my co-workers, with the job process, and with life in general. I'm trying to be a business woman. An ambitious, confident, intelligent woman who gets things done, but whenever I try to do that, I feel like I get hated on. People make me feel like I'm the crazy one. Like I shouldn't be working my butt off the way I am. Every single free 'work-mode-minute' that I have (which is different from 'free-mode-minutes', I'm thinking about what I should be doing to further my projects or to be a better employee. How can I assist so and so, who do I need to contact for this, how can I be of service to him, what are the next steps in this endeavor... But for some reason... Sheesh. I can't even talk about this anymore. I'm just going to continue on my grind and keep my mouth closed. I can't take the hate so I'm not going to verbalize anything. I'll just do what I do. GRIND.

Mood: I'm Just Sleepy, I Think

Cue John Legend

Take Me Away - John Legend

There's nothing wrong. I'm just really really really tired. Actually, sleepy is the better word. I'm PMS-ing so this time around, my body is just really weak. I could sleep for 2 days straight if time allowed. I remember when I used to take advantage of the hours after work and sleep from 5 until the next morning when I lived on the other side of the country, but this job prevents me from doing so. I can't find the time to slow down. My mother called and said, "you're more than just sleepy. something else is wrong, so are you going to be okay?" Mmm. Is there something else wrong? I mean I know I've been longing to break away and recharge my batteries using the sun's energy, but I didn't know it was that serious. Perhaps it is though. When I was on the train, I read a passage in the book I was talking about yesterday. "But most of all, I remembered the virgin-bride-white sands of Varadero, and it filled me with joy. I remembered sinking my hands and feet into the silkiest, softest mounds in the world, the sands of my best childhood memories." When I read that, I found myself somewhere deep in the back of my mind rolling around in that sand and taking big scoops of it in my hands and pouring them on top of me with my eyes closed. It sounds so weird, but yeah. That's me and that's where my mind went. Maybe my need to get away is stronger than I think. Maybe the current weather situation is doing something to my head. I have never seen so many gloomy April showers days in my life. But I like the rain. So I'm not sure what's the real deal.

Cue Alicia Keys.

Superwoman - Alicia Keys

Perhaps my job is sucking the life out of me. I don't know. I'm not trying to think too hard about this job. It is what it is, and I don't want it to get inside of my head to the point where I start to dread waking up everyday. I've been there before and it's definitely not a good place to wish you miraculously had the flu every morning. That's depressing and then something will definitely be wrong. I won't become conquered by that feeling. It's not even that serious. Albeit, perhaps something is subconciously wrong and I don't know it. If there is, I'm not even sure if I want to figure it out. Right now, all I want to do is sleep. I want to stop feeling as if I will plummet into my keyboard any second. I may need to forgo the show I paid for. I'll exchange the price of my ticket for extra hours of sleep in a heartbeat. I have so much to do this weekend - produce 30 resumes for these kids at Powell House, sister's brunch, handle wedding responsibilities for K.M., car emissions testing, and so on. It's going to be a doosie. But superwoman must prevail. She must always prevail.

Re-Post: Sheer Dreams and Desires

"Hey. You know what? Something just clicked. I don’t know a lot of things right now. I’m in the middle of some very hard decisions making this one of the hardest periods in my 24 years on earth. But what I do know is that I want to be somewhere far. I want to sit by the fountains in Paris and people watch. I want to feast my eyes on the architecture of Rome. I want to dance in the Venice sun. I just want to go away and listen to couples speak in their native tongue. I want to admire them. Experience them. I want to wander through cobblestone markets and buy a single peach that’s been kissed by the Roman sun. I want to wear a scarf around my neck and pin my hair up in a bun… Yeah. That’s what I want. If I could have anything I wanted, I’d quit today and be on a plane to Europe tomorrow. But that’s only if I could have anything I wanted… Sheer dreams and desires."

I wrote this two years ago and still feel the same way. I need a life pick me up. The routinue is just starting to get to me, and I know all too well how that feeling can overwhelm. I need a sporadic, spontaneous intervention. Let's go stay in a cottage rental in Massachusetts people. Or walk down the coast of Malibu with the sun on our faces. Let's lay in a field of daisies down in the country and watch the bees circle our heads. I'm serious! I wanna go! Just take me somewhere!!! Anywhere! Just get me out of here!

Ran-dumb Thoughts

What's going on people?
I have a random question.
Who do you play on repeat in your iPod right now?
You already know who I'm playing.
Did you see all the references and blogs below?
=)
I have a social networking event to attend tonight.
I don't think anyone's going to come though.
Today, there was this man on the train who just would not stop staring at me.
Can you say freaky?
He wasn't even trying to hide it.
He just stood there at the door with his body facing straight towards me.
You would think he would aim his frame to an angle and turn his head so as to not be so obvious.
You're wack dude.
I'm want to gain 5 pounds.
Or stay the same.
I don't know.
I killed some NY pizza over the weekend.
I was craving it like a feign.
My legs need some toning though.
I heard some disturbing news this morning.
Why it's so disturbing I'm not sure.
Disturbing shouldn't even be the word.
It's too harsh, but still yet...
Essence is reporting on the age old discussion - black men and white women.
I have to be honest.
I do have an issue with it.
Not to the point where I'ma do something about it.
But it always evokes some sort of tweek in my eyebrow.
I wish I could look at it like I look at someone who just said something stupid.
A blank face.
But I can't.
My eyebrow will always tweek.
Remember when Angela Bassett set her husband's stuff on fire in "Waiting to Exhale" when he left her for a white woman?
That scene was so real.
I can still see her fierce, agressive walk towards the camera as catastrophic flames illuminate her from behind.
I never fully indentified and understand the anger of a black woman until that scene.
I'm reading about how them crazy Isrealites kept complaining about what they didn't have after God parted the Red Sea and helped them to escape from Egypt.
It makes me think about how I used to complain about men.
But if God has your back and has already showed you how great He is, why would you be sitting there complaining like He doesn't exist and want what's best for you?
Oh ye of little faith.
My ex-fiance texted me.
"I love how u made me better."
I can't even front.
He got me with that one.
My heart was all warm and whatnot.
I'm supposed to be having sister brunch with the 3 on saturday.
Gotta check with them and see if it's still on.
It's supposed to be 83 degrees on Sat.
How heavenly.
I'm saving up for a Mac.
Does anyone know anyone who gets Mac discounts?
$1599 is a lot for a laptop.
Apple rapes all of us; for all of their products.
My sis is designing my business cards for me.
I'm excited about them.
Someone asked me for a card during my shoot over the weekend, and I felt so lame not having one.
I've been thinking a lot about this job and what I'm going to do when my contract is up.
That's a whole 'nother blog though.
I feel like I'll be deciding on the rest of my life.
I know it need not be that dramatic, so I'm trying to tame it down a little.
Lisa Leslie got married.
Cute!
I'm ready to switch my winter wardrobe out but the weather keeps tricking me.
I need absolute warmth to wear my spring line of clothing.
I get cold too easily and therefore still wear heavy stuff.
Does MTA keep the air conditioning on year round?!
Goodness gracious.
It is not that hot outside yet!
Turn it off!
But I'm excited for spring.
I love spring clothes.
I'm getting my convention clothes together too.
In all of my years going to the convention, I've never wore anything new.
This year will be different.
What I wear may not be stark new but at least it'll be this season's attire.
I'm tired of wearing the same skirt I've had since 2003.
Yes, 2003.
My mom used to laugh at me while asking "is that the same skirt your Nana bought for you in college?!"
Yes Mom!
Now either stop laughing at me or give me some money!
I just stopped being broke about a year and a half ago.
So why didn't I wear something new last year?
Maybe I did.
I could remember if I knew which city I attended the convention in.
I had a Bible study last night and the sisters said that it must be nice to live in a house with parents who share your faith.
Never thought about it, but yeah, it is nice to all worship together.
Makes for a peaceful environment.
My family is great.
I'm reading some poll results.
"Have you ever lived with a boyfriend?
Here's what you ladies said:
Yes, and I'll never do it again. 34%"
LOL!
Here's the rest.
"Yes. It worked out great. 19%
No, and I wouldn't consider it. 27%
No, but it's a possibility. 18%
Cohabiting has not worked out for most of us and we're glad to say we've learned from our experiences!
Tell us: Some people believe that moving in before marriage will tell you a lot about the person. Should it be obligatory for an engaged couple? When is it too soon, if ever, to move in with someone you're in a relationship with? When a couple realizes living together may be harmful to their relationship, does it mean they are not compatible and they're future together is doomed? It's time for Girl Talk!"
Man oh man.
What a topic.
I'll leave that alone.
What is twitter?
You want to be considered young and in the know but when people keep putting out stuff that makes you say 'why?', you're forced into acting old. =)
I'm looking for a really good fiction book.
A deep one.
Not a self help book or a chick novel.
A literary masterpiece.
I never did read "The Kite Runner".
Right now I'm reading "Reclaiming Paris".
It's pretty good.
It's about a woman born in Havana Cuba who moves to Miami and struggles to get to know her roots and find her future.
It's interesting because a lot of it deals with her relationships with men.
What woman who is trying to find herself doesn't directly tie the search to finding her way with men?
But anyway, with every man she dates, she wears a different perfume.
So perfumes are tied to old memories.
I think that's quite smart.
Smells are indentifying marks are they not?
Why not associate a perfume with a man?
It's called "Reclaiming Paris" because Havana is the Paris of Cuba.
The language in the book is simply exquisite.
I want to steal some of Fabiola Santiago's phrases and terms.
I probably already have.
A live version of The Isley's "Summer Breeze" just came on Pandora.
Goodness gracious this song is sexy.
But yeah, I want a good book.
A romantic book.
Not necessarily a book about romance between a woman and a man though.
One that makes you fall in love with language or a place or a moment.
I want to read something that says 'and the exuberance from the wind swept her hair into a swoop that only formed once a year.'
You know what I mean?
Speak to me!
Speak to my soul man!
Hmm.
That sentence I made up seems like the beginnings of something.
I should continue that thought somewhere.
I think I may write my article for Infinite Investor today.
As a matter of fact, let me do that now while I have inspiration running through my blood and am bored at work.
Have a good day people.

Lykke Li

Shout out to Drake for recognizing the special in this girl.

It's Drake Baby

This man gives me goosebumps. SO FIRE. Download So Far Gone mixtape NOW!

http://mcarroll4716.blogspot.com/2009/04/wake-and-drake.html#links

http://mcarroll4716.blogspot.com/2009/04/pay-close-attention.html#links

Listen to a couple tracks from old stuff of Drake's. Crazy beats.

Share - Drake

Pop Rose - Drake & Trey Songz

And lastly (I promise!), is JennWill's fav track off that So Far Gone mixtape I TOLD you to download. (did you do it yet?!) When Jenn told me this was her fav, I somehow already knew it. I promise you, my girl loves to hear a man apologize. LOL. I love you Jenn!

Sooner Than Later - Drake

And here he is with one of the sexiest R&B singers out here at the beginning of it all. This no where near touches where Drake is today. Drake and Trey. Check it.

The Road To Success

I need to stop in my tracks for a second and look around me. I don't want this moment to pass me by without giving it some time. It deserves ample recognition.

Things are really happening for me. I am at a point in my path in which I can say 'this is the beginning of your dreams J'. I'm working my butt off for a slice of the pie - a slice I actually have no business asking for. But without a name and experience, I'm fortunate and extremely busy doing what I'm meant to do. And that equivocally means that I'm happy doing what I want to do.
This weekend's fashion shoot went extremelly well. I even dropped and damaged a lens, but nothing could prevent me from experiencing the high of a paying photography gig. I have an article due on Saturday that I have not yet begun. I have no anxiety, however. I'm looking forward to weaving my thoughts together for the next couple of days. I've climbed on board with another writing endeavor which will have me submitting work every single week. Challenging? I'm not sure yet. As often as I blog, I should be able to commit to a schedule. This is not the time for laziness. Portfolio work is next. I need a temporary online situation and a few soft copy prints in a presentable package. After that, education. Class class class. Talent will only take you so far. You need the knowledge to back it up.

I'm excited about the future. I have a lot of work to do - happy, good, fullfilling work.

Song of The Day

You know how you crave to hear a song that you haven't heard in a while? I used to play this on repeat.

Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Jehovah's Hand

I can see the guiding hand of God behind all that is occuring in my life.

I understand why I have yet another Bible study to complete. To be refined and draw closer to Jehovah so that I can be who I need to be when my time does come.
I understand why God put it in me to have as a resolve not to deal with men in 2009. So I can not be distracted and focus on the Kingdom.
I understand why I've had the painful experiences I've had. They've kicked my butt into running towards the right path.
I understand why God made me the way I am. People say that I'm too hard on myself, but I know it serves as a protection. I know I am imperfect, but I'm striving for perfection as a sinner. My conscious is strong which keeps me out of trouble.
I understand why I am home at this point in my life. To reap the benefits from being in a spiritually sound house.
I understand why my engagement did not last. It was not in my best interest and would not have afforded me true happiness.

I can see God's hand in everything. He is preparing me.

Isaiah 65:13,14

"For this cause says the Lord God, My servants will have food, but you will be in need of food: my servants will have drink, but you will be dry: my servants will have joy, but you will be shamed: My servants will make songs in the joy of their hearts, but you will be crying for sorrow, and making sounds of grief from a broken spirit."

Where would I be without God?

Juxtaposition

By the smile on my face every time he said hello, every single life force on the universe could tell I was caught. I wanted the tender touch of his manly hand to glide down the right side of my back where traces of his heat can linger. When he squeezed my thigh and then leaned in close to smell the scent of my sweet body wash, his seductiveness never failed to trip up my breathing pattern. It's undeniably true that my heart flipped when he lifted me off the ground in a sweeping warm hug; my bare tippy toes no longer in contact with the hardwood floors. It was in these minimalistic touches that I remember what it's like to feel loved.

As I contemplate on the precious twinklings, the little things that used to fill me, I realize how big the silent spaces are in my life; how empty they feel. So I fill them with God. In moments of solidarity, separate from Him, I yearn to travel backwards to places I can no longer grab for and hold close. My ever present remedy of 'harden-your-heart-ness' works marvelously when things shatter to the ground in pieces so minute it's impossible to repair them. The only thing left to do - sweep up the ruins and discard them into the gigantic receptacle I keep close at all times. In this way, I escape the rapture that is falling over me like a large and heavy black, satin bedsheet. I try to pretend that these memories have not installed themselves in my imagination. But the fact that I am sitting here penning these words from the dark back corners of my consciousness, speaks for me.

Realities versus fantasies. Oh the juxtaposition.

Jon B. - The Ride of Our Lives

I don't care where I am, everytime this song comes on, I have to stop whatever I'm doing, close my eyes and just ride it out. The featured woman's voice is so special. Just listen. It's about making and having a family, so you already know it touches my heart. =)

The Ride Of Our Lives - Jon B

I LOVE Jon B. His voice is so amazingly beautiful to me.

Huh? Cassie? Why?

Life's a Beach

Considering what I just went through Monday and yesterday, Wednesdays aren't even my bad days anymore! I'm actually ready for today and relieved that it's finally here! My 5 day funk was no joke. I thought I would never get through it.

I need a beach. Like right now. It's funny because when I was going through whatever I was going through, what I needed the most was LA. I needed L.A.'s air, it blue sky, it's vastness, it's openess, it's weather... I can go on. I seriously missed having the ability to leave my apartment one minute and lay on an open beach in my bikini and sunglasses 15 minutes later. That's surely a luxury that I miss. So yes, I need a vacay. I'm going to NY on the 17th which I'm going to enjoy of course, but I need a warm weather vacay. I NEED a beach. Someone! Please give me a beach! Ugh! I just went through the last 5 days of YBF posts (being that I missed all of them during my 5 day funk) and sure enough Serena Williams is just chillin ON A BEACH! I mean, sure she just worked it out at the Sony Ericsson shibang, but dang! Don't flaunt it! *smacking my teeth* She's looking all comfortable and whatnot. NOT FAIR!

I guess I'll make the most of my time in NY. How could I not right? Anytime that I get to play, I should make the most of it. But yo... =) ... I still need a beach.

Mood: Sad

During my laid-off months, my life was quiet. Even though I was unemployed with no money, I lived in a little cocoon of peace. It was nice. No stress, no drama, no difficulties. Last week, however, my world was turned upside down. The stress monster hit me smack in my face. Literally. The splitting headache, the protruding vein in my forehead and the throbbing behind my eyes were unmistakable. I was losing it. While pondering over the million and two things that were on my mind on Friday, I started to get very upset...so much so that I had to take a deep breath to fight back the tears that were trying to blur my vision while driving.

Not even one minute after I updated my facebook status, which spoke on my stress levels, I got a phone call of concern from a very good friend who I've been trying to get in touch with unsuccessfully. With all of the emotion whirling inside of me, I couldn't help but to be extremely touched by his reaching out. Even though I was too overwhelmed to talk about what was bothering me, I texted him shortly after we hung up... "Thank you so much for calling. I'm rather emotional right now so your kind concern just about has me in tears. I'll try to call you this weekend." When he responded again, he did so in a way that made me feel like he was reaching through the phone to wrap his arms around me and hold me up while my legs buckled from underneath me. J.E. saved me at that moment. He noticed when I thought no one did.

I've had a lot of time to think things through and I've decide to focus on the solutions rather than the problems. The answers are as follows (and the rest will most likely be clear): 1. I need to sit down and have a conversation with him. This whole thing is not right and I know in my soul that this isn't what it should be. He can't marry her if he still has feelings for me. Well he can, but before he makes that decision, we need to talk. I just want him to be happy and be able to live his life without the problems that are existing between him and his fiance'. He's more than an ex-boyfriend. He's family. Hopefully I can help him. 2. I will stop letting my to-do lists overwhelm me by simplifying them, file for an extension on my taxes, have my dad take my car to get checked for emissions for me, tell L. that I need more time, and notify Mrs. D. and Mr. E. of the fact that I can't right now. Sometimes it's best to tell people no. I will not be pressured. 3. It's clear that my standards are overwhelming to him. So I will give him the space he should take. Regardless if he feels like he needs it or not. I am not in a relationship with anyone so I will not act like I am. Even though I want to do what comes natural...communicate, see how he's feeling, reassure him, blah blah blah, it's not my place. He'll work it out on his own. I don't owe anyone anything. 4. I will not renew my contract or accept a permanent positions with Washington Post Digital come June. I will find a career which I love and that will want to pay me for the full hours that I give in service. I need things to be uncomplicated. Not paying me for the hours that I've worked is unacceptable. 5. I understand what happens when a man become serious about a woman. So I'm going to be a big girl and suck it up. I will miss our closeness and our conversations, but I'm going to step out of the way and wish him nothing but joy. If we are true friends, it will shine through and he won't forget about me. 6. When people ask me what I do, I will never say that I am an accountant or I do finance work. No. I am a photographer, writer, dancer and an executive with Artistry Group. My occupation will be what I love. Finance is my side job. It's what pays my car note. Nothing more, nothing less. 7. I'm going to write about investing in family relationships. I have a story to tell regarding my relationship with my father and it needs to be told.

I can't say that even though I now have the answers that I'm okay now. It was hard getting there. Especially on my own. It was a lot to handle all at once, even though I did it. I've always been a superwoman. I always come out on top. But I'm sad because I'm exhausted and there's still so much more to do. I have to now apply the solutions and make them work for me. I have to put action behind everything so that I can go back to that state of peace that I desire. But I need help. I can't think about who to ask or where to turn, because my brain is fried and I'm verging on empty. I've gotten far, but I need help. My family and Jehovah are just about my own havens at the moment. In reality, that's enough and that's exactly what they're there for. Oh and writing! My friends may all seem to be disappearing (due to responsibilities, new girlfriends, distance, etc.), but at least I have my therapy.

I desire stillness and quiet. When I get that, maybe the sadness will dissipate. Until then, I'll keep climbing.

Day 26 - I'mma Put It On Her

I actually like this! It's so refreshing to see them in light and airy clothes for some reason. Lol. They look good. Orange, pastel and white linen. I think I really like it. I can't wait for the album, believe it or not. These boys can sing. You have to give it to them.