3rd Post Today - Not Feminine Enough

Yeah yeah yeah. I got a lot to mention today.

So I just finished hanging up all my spring/summer clothes. Finally. While doing so, something my fiance said to me popped in my head. "You haven't been looking very feminine lately." When he initially said that to me, I wasn't offended. I defended myself and moved on. But lately, his comment has been pricking me in the eyeball. I lost a lot of weight recently, and consequently, none of my clothes fit the way they used to - which means that nothing is tight. So if I put two and two together in the enlightened fashion that I do, well fitting to tight clothing = feminine. Of course he's going to say that's not it or it's not what he meant, but it's really easy to read into the fact that I'm not looking feminine anymore because my clothes don't fit me like a glove. Call me crazy but I thought that you can look feminine no matter what if your hair is done, you have earrings in your ears, have makeup on your face, carry a purse, wear heels, and switch when you walk. But I guess that's not enough. I don't know if anyone has ever noticed, but Janet Jackson wears baggy clothes all the time, but still looks fancy fresh. But what I'm learning is that mister man doesn't like anything baggy on me.

There's a fine line I tell ya. I'm 27 years old and I don't wear tight revealing clothes like I used to. But yet there's always a way for a 27 year old woman to done tailor made clothes that give her the appearance of a nice silhouette. Unfortunately, I don't have tailor made clothing money. So what is a girl to do while she's broke and skinny? I guess suck it up and keep it moving while she tries desperately to gain weight all the while holding fast to her self-esteem. I'm beautiful no matter what and I have to remember that. Bump what everyone else says. Feminine or not, I'm me.

Wedding Money

The wedding can be no more than 40 people. That means family, a few of the elders and that's it. We're trying to figure out a way to include more people with separate celebrations but for the ones who are long distance, it doesn't really make sense for them to fly in if it's just for a post-wedding party right? I want to ask specific ones how they would feel, but mums the word for now. I don't want to speak on things that don't exist yet. Invitations are such a touchy thing. So sensitive. I'm glad no one has come right out and asked for one though. My baptism was the most important day of my life. If anyone wants an invitation for something, they should have asked for that one.

I'm excited though. Only 30 days to go. I'm not going to lie. One of the most exciting parts of all this are the gifts. I'm sooooo broke right now that I'm actually looking forward to counting dollar signs. If I had a job, I wouldn't think so much on it. But this loan bill is going to hurt me if I can't put money on it after I get married. I really don't want to rely on money I don't have though. So let's find a job j.a.c. I need to make a spa appointment soon. I'm scared to put it on the credit card, especially because these things are usually so expensive, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I gotta get my lady jewels taken care of. I also want to order a bridal name change kit that has all the forms needed to change my last name. DMV, social security, passport, IRS, etc. but I gotta wait on that too. MJ is applying for a government position, so even if I don't find a job anytime soon, we'll be fine if he gets the job. We've been praying a lot lately over our job searches.

What else needs to be done? Oh. We need to paint the bedroom and order the Ikea wardrobe we picked out. Thankfully Uncle Jim sent us a little pre-wedding assistance to purchase these items. We've actually had the paint for a while. It's been sitting by the door in the condo for months. I hope Ikea still has the wardrobe. I can probably handle painting on my own if MJ preps the room for me. I'm off, so why not?

I wonder how my sisters feel about my pending nuptials. Since I announced the new date, I haven't heard anything from any of them but one. TC even asked me what the others said. Not a word. I guess that's what happens when you set a date, postpone it, plan nothing for a while, and then set another date. I'll send an email out seeing how everyone is though. It's been a while since I've felt sisterly camaraderie. (Lol. TC already replied with some exclamation points and cap letters. You can always count on her! LOL.)

Words

I'm sitting in bed with my back up against the headboard. The window is cracked, but not enough to feel the desirable breeze. I need some air. There's a long "to do" list waiting for me to tackle, but I'm enjoying the moment. The calmness. Calm is where it's at. My therapist says to lock it into adult - the calm part of us. No reason to catapult into over-emphasized emotions because someone else has lost their mind. Just lock it into adult. I can live in this pocket. A state of calm. There are images on my walls that I barely view. Art is supposed to transcend and cause reactions. I used to be an artist. But the art of writing seems to be lost. Text, I.M., Tweet. Who picks up a pen anymore? It's 10am. My Bible study is at 3pm. I'll get some air then, as we sit on the back porch under the Maryland sun, yet sheltered by a big, green umbrella. Time is of the essence. Let's start the clock.

Wedding Planning

I'm in full-fledged wedding planning mode again. And this time I'm excited! We've confirmed the date. May 7th. And no, this will not change. I don't care if I have to drag myself down the aisle. We are getting married on May 7, 2010 if it kills me. I just can't go through another date change. You hear me! Even though the wedding will be small this time around (the April 3rd wedding we planned was for 150+ people), I'm tempted to still put the date on blast so that there's no way we can take it back. But this time, there's really no reason to. We've gone through our fights and our hiccups and still have made it through. We've been tested, and guess what? We still love each other! Go figure! So basically, what I'm trying to say is that nothing will keep me from marrying that man on May 7th. Nothing.

So the dress is at my aunt's house hanging in her guest bedroom closet. I probably need to get the veil back so I can play with it in my hair.

I've decided to wear the old wine/red pumps that my fiance picked out when we first started dating. He loves those shoes. He thinks that they're really sexy and brags about how good of a job he did in picking them (and I must admit that his taste was dead on) so I thought it would be nice to wear them on our big day.

With a splash of red on my feet, I'm considering splashing my nails with red too. I need to set up some additional appointments for beauty regimens.

As far as the makeup goes, I'm want something natural. I did Hollywood glam for the engagement pics, so I want something softer this time around. I need my sis to make an appointment with the makeup artist for me... Ok. I just texted her.

Jewelry. Ugh. I can't even bring myself to figure that out. For some reason, jewelry is so hard for me! Next!

Wedding bouquet. I should probably google some florists today and find out where they get their flowers. I want to make my bouquet myself and have some of the mini cala lillies match my shoes. Perhaps future hubby's tie should match as well? We'll see about that.

Hair. So I have a hair appointment tomorrow at noon to try my other sis' stylist out. She doesn't know that I'll be surveying her work, but I hope she turns out well, because I don't have a plan B. I have an idea of how I want it to look, but I'm not saying too much in case there's a nosey man out there who's reading this.

Since we're having such a small wedding, the photographer/videographer will have to be on point. Future hubby is going to handle that. He mentioned something about his cousin who did all of his other family members weddings. I'm trusting his judgment on this one.

This evening, we're visiting the ceremony site as well as the restaurant that we want to have dinner at. I'm a lot less picky than my parents so if it's up to me, we'll have that signed, sealed and delivered tonight.

Invitations are awaiting the restaurant name, and that's done.

I had to mention to my mother that it's time to start planning a bridal shower. My future mom-in-law called me today and said "so i guess it's not a surprise huh". Nope. Since we've gone through so much back and forth with our wedding date, I figured I should initiate the planning and then let them keep the ball rolling. It's only fair. I know how confusing this all has been. My sisters are planning a less traditional, maybe even less conservative "ladies night in" event that the older ones are not invited to. I'm interested to see how it goes down. Should be fun! Oh. I need to give them a friends list for that. I should do that now.

For the ceremony, I want white lights and some candles. That should be simple. I might pick those up myself next weekend.

Honeymoon. Well I know we aren't really doing a true honeymoon yet, but MJ's dad mentioned helping us to a weekend away in Williamsburg or something like that. The Antigua honeymoon vacay will have to wait.

I'll go pick up his wedding band closer to the wedding. I'm excited to see it. My engagement ring has to be re-sized with my wedding band so I may need to drop it off a bit earlier.

I'm sure there's more but it'll come to me. I was trying to treat this as another small gathering with friends but it's not quite turning out that way. LOL. Se la vie!

Ran-dumb Thoughts

It's 3 something in the morning and I'm wide awake

Went through facebook

Stalking on other people's lives

I need to take more pics for my profile's sake

Stomach is making all sorts of noises

When I'm menstruating, it all goes down

The orchestra in my belly is tuning up

Been over a decade but I'll never get used to this

Had my first wives club outing

All of us sitting at happy hour with rings on our fingers

Never hung with my-aged brides before

Talking about life, husbands, plans, and love

Summer clothes are unpacked and ready to hang

Good thing I lived in LA and invested in cute dresses

Being broke ain't no joke when a new season rolls around

The new flirty 2010 wear will have to wait

I want to wake him up right now just because

He's probably snoring his way into ecstasy

Once he's out, he doesn't wake up

How will it be to sleep next to him for life?

I want to hear more about year one marriage

They say the first is the hardest

Is that why no one talks about it?

Where's all the counsel, advice and wisdom?

Have you heard the commercials?

The ones about Essure?

Permanent birth control without cutting?

Now THIS is genius!

Am I nervous about marriage?

Heck yes, especially there's no way to prepare

Sure you can sharpen the tools in your box - communication, love

But in this case, experience is the best teacher

Life Update

What's going on with me?

I have weathered the darkest moments of my life and am now on an incredible upswing that I pray lasts as long as it can. When my fiance was falling in love with me back in the beginnings of our courtship, I was keeping him at an arms distance. Of course, something gave (or more like broke and shattered into a million tiny pieces) and he closed up his heart. On this second time around, after much pain and communication, we're both wide open, vulnerable and ready. We've grown and will not make another obvious, blatant and stupid mistake. I love him and he loves me.

I am so grateful for my experience with TWP. I am also grateful to be unemployed. I do need to find work, but I'm enjoying this time off. Last week was a good week as I spent a lot of time out in field service and reflecting on how I can be a better me. Today has been an absolutely amazing and peaceful yet productive day. I've applied for a couple of government agency jobs, stuffed my face with food, watched a few movies and written two blogs all from the comfort of my bed. What makes it so nice is that it rained today. My window is cracked open and the rain and birds are making the sweetest melodies. Being unemployed (for now) isn't so bad. I needed this.

What about the wedding? It's happening. I don't know when, but it's happening. MJ and I are having our Bible study tonight about the wedding. Are you familiar with the scripture at Luke 14:28 about calculating the costs it takes to do something? Well that's what we'll be embarking on this evening. I want to be in a secure place when we get married (read have a job), but we also can't really stand to be away from each other for much longer. So we'll see what happens this evening. We'll take it as it comes.

I'm worried about my sis. She's obviously choosing the things of the world right now instead of focusing on an ever-lasting happiness, but she has to do what she has to do. Everyone has to do their own thing. I'll just keep her in my prayers.

I'm really looking forward to the c.o.'s visit and the subsequent convention. I love heightened spiritual activities. They keep me going. My focus has been great lately though. I've gotten really serious about my relationship with Jehovah and I feel it paying off. I have a wonderful sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while. I think it's why I'm not freaking out about a job. I am so calm that it seems dangerous. But I'm really feeling this spiritual maturity that I might be gaining. I don't want to be overconfident though, so I'm taking it one step at a time.

And that's life in a nutshell!

10 Things

JennWill did a good job on hers, so here we go. Ten things I hate about myself...

1. I hate that I do not follow through on my passions. My writing, my dance, my photography, my creative juices... What are they all for? I'm seriously waisting all of them. I don't know why I can't get it together and do something about my loves.

2. I hate that I have to wait for inspiration. Don't get me wrong, I love being inspired, but if I'm not touched in some way, I don't initiate anything. Some people can create their own fires, but not I. Someone or something always has to create it within me first to get me going.

3. I hate that I lost my curves and I fear that I'll never be able to get them back. I used to have a butt for daaaaays. Back in my college days, my rear end used to be off the hook. It used to sit so high, it was amazing. Now, at the tender age of 27, I'd be lucky if anyone can find it. The recent stress attack I had totally killed any chances of having a curvacious body once again. They tell me to simply stuff myself with pasta, bread, shakes and desserts, but I'm afraid that it won't come back the same way. It'll probably miss my butt, head straight to my thighs and stay there.

4. I hate that it takes me so long to get it together. I've learned so much within the last past year. Moving home to dating to my job experience... All the things that I messed up on are all the things I could easily point out to someone else. I mean, they used to call me Mama Jen for goodness sakes. I thought I could navigate my own life without coming across major catastrophes but nope. I have to learn the hard way. For someone so smart, sometimes I can be so dumb.

5. I hate that I'm not fearless. I think that's the reason behind number 1. I'm so calculated and cautious that it holds me back.

6. I hate how in love I can get. Right now, I'm working on the word 'balance'. I have to remember not to forget about the two J's. j.a.c. and Jehovah.

7. I hate that I don't have a close girlfriend within my religion here in DC. JennWill was a comfort for me. Two girls, loving life and yet working to refrain from the things Jehovah hates. We were doing it together.

8. I hate that I can't/don't wear short dresses. I wish I could buy them on the regular, but where am I going in these fabulous dresses? First of all, I live in the house of an elder and secondly, my fiance would probably want me with him in these short dresses, but we can't go anywhere together. I miss feeling and looking sexy. I feel extremely mature and motherly now-a-days.

9. I hate that the days won't go by quicker. I want to get married.

10. And on a totally superficial note, I hate that my nails keep chipping!!! I got a manicure on Thursday and they already look a hot mess! Why even bother with manicures? They never last.

Feeling Good Feeling Great

Got Common in the ear.
"And they say Chi City"
La la la la laaaaa
Wow. This is the first time I've had a real minute to blog at work in...
I don't know how long.
My time here is FINALLY winding down.
Thank Jehovah!
They're going to miss me when I'm gone.
Ha ha!
I have no idea what's going happen when I leave here
But Jehovah's got my back
No worries until I start worrying. =)
Ironically, I studied about how not to worry this morning.
Life is going to be good nonetheless folks
I believe that
I have control over this
That's got to be my new theme song
CONTROL!
Yeah Janet!
I've been pretty fragile
But umm...
That's not me.
At least it wasn't previously
So yeah.
CONTROL!
"I walked in the crib, got two kids, and my baby mama late
Uh Oh, Uh Oh, Uh Oh"
This Common record is great
Be
This music is great
Can you believe that I finished the last planner that I will ever have to do in my life
Can you see me smiling?
If not, the grin goes from ear to ear son.
Lol.
Why do some of these phrases have periods and others don't?
I'm just happy
Happy to be alive
Writing
Ending this job
Listening to Common
Can't wait to get home and chill
I did some personal study this morning so I may or may not do more tonight
We'll see how I feel
Wow, I haven't checked American Idol in two weeks
I need to catch up
Anyway, feel good feeling great!

Piano Song

Every little thing I do I do for you

With every little thing I think I thought of you

I try so hard not to notice

I try so hard not to care

I try so hard not to know that you're not here

Well I'm counting down the hours

And I'm counting up the days

I try so hard not to show this side of me.

- Meiko

Getting My Swag Back

It's been quite a while.
I've been on my grind making things happen in life.
Getting this job thing sorted out.
Working on my relationships, mainly with God and my fiance.
I'm focusing on my health by visiting a couple of doctors.
Gotta get my weight back up and my stress levels down.
Weekly exercise is back on the schedule.
My association with some of the young friends is picking up.
And what's best is that spring is in the air!
So I'm definitely feeling the groove now.
I can just feel my swag coming back.
I have a lot to look forward to so I'm going to continue on this grind.
Make sure I stay on the right track and do the right thing.
With that as a goal, I'm sure I'll be blessed.

Love

I'm studying an article about cultivating the type of love that never fails and the first couple of paragraphs bring something to mind.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a blog about love. It had some pretty high expectations in there. I said that I want the type of love that you see in movies and that I'm not capable of a normal, everyday love.

Well, since 2008 when that blog was written, I've been through some things. I've studied about love and I've witnessed it in real fashion. The kind of love that I was speaking about in that blog is what little girls wish for before they know what real love involves. Real love is not like the movies. What we see in movies are the good times, when people are just beginning to fall in love. What we don't see is how the newbies maintain and stay together through the hard times. Truth be told that I have fallen in love like the movies. The early days with my fiance were wonderful. I remember feeling high on love during our courtship. It was amazing. But now that we're really learning each other and the newness has worn off, I'm really beginning to feel what love is and what it isn't.

Love is good old fashioned work. In God's case, it took Him sending His baby to die for ungrateful people. For Jesus, he showed his love by teaching everyone how to get it right and by faithfully dying for ungrateful people. These were not things that either of them particularly enjoyed. These things were painful. But they did it because of love. If you love someone, you do stuff for them. You don't sit and stare into their eyes just to get a tingly feeling. No, you put forth effort and actually do something for them that would benefit them. That's love. 1 Corinthians 13:1 - 3 makes a good point, and this is what it says to me. If I have all these romantic gifts like the ability to give someone goosebumps through my words or the ability to dream about an all encompassing, passionate and faithful romance, what difference would all of it make if I didn't have love. The real type of love. The lovely words, the goosebumps and the dreams may fade. But love never ends.

I'm not asking anyone to die for me though. When it comes to loving me, it's all about the little things. The simple text message that makes me smile. Bringing me a slice of Mrs. Smith's apple pie with vanilla ice cream, studying the Bible with me, telling me that I look pretty, leaving me a note on my car, reaching for me because you know I want to be held, sending me an I Love You email that took you time to create and scrubbing tree sap off my car with me. It's the everyday little things when you give of yourself to make me happy.

So, believe in that overly romanticized type of love if you want to. If you do though, let me warn you. You will be disappointed. And it will hurt.

So Much To Say

Oh goodness. I have so much to say but so little time!

I'll start with this. If anyone was to ever write my life story, it would be about love. I've been in an on again off again love affair and I'll never begin to understand how my love, my one true love, manages to stick with me through thick and thin. And I must say that there have been a LOT of thin times. One time in particular happened not too long ago though, just last week actually, where I nearly blamed him for my unhappiness. I actually stated that I couldn't believe things were turning out this way when I was doing everything he wanted me to do. He promised me it would be okay, yet it wasn't. Now...my love had every reason to drop me at that very moment. He could have froze up, told me that what I said was unforgivable, chosen to abandon me, or even worse stayed with me while keeping feelings of hurt and anger towards me inside. But my love never did that. Instead, my love did nothing but love me back. And THAT is the very reason why I'm smiling at this moment. Through my faith in his forgiveness, he in turn has given me peace. I mean it really makes no sense. I've done him so dirty ya'll. You don't even want to know. And I feel really really really bad for stating that I felt like he abandoned me. That man never abandons and he never says that he takes time away from me to lick his wounds. He doesn't even know what that means or how to do that because his love for me is just that strong. So right now, my love and I are in an upswing. I'm happier than I've been in a long time and nothing can change this feeling. The tears of joy I cried yesterday attest to how dear he is to my heart. I will love him forever just as I know he will love me forever.

There are a lot of spiritually encouraging things you can do when you're down and out. You can read your Bible. You can say a prayer. You can dig into other resources that give you a spiritually uplifting word. But you'll never guess what has helped me the most during my time of need. To some this may be a shock, and to others you'll have no idea what I'm talking about but what, or I should say WHO helped me the most were the mature men of the congregation. There has been one elder in particular who has been my 100%, steadfast of a rock lifesaver. He's been on the other end of the phone while I've cried, asked questions, spoke my heart off, and even in times when I've been silent. But nevertheless, he's always been there uplifting me and giving me good one on one counsel. I was so against seeking out help from members of my congregation because of some hurt that came as a result of a few harsh words, but as soon as I opened myself up, my light became brighter. I thought that I could just read and figure it out on my own, but I was kidding myself. The many conversations that I've had with this particular brother has not only encouraged me, but has put me on the right path towards me being able to encourage myself. What I also love about the exchange is that he's shared some personal experiences with me as well. He's been where I've been and it's nice to hear someone say that. It's good to know that he was there, and came out the way he is now. Now that's awesome! My brother in Christ has done me wonders. I have to get him a thank you card or something, even though there are no words to express how grateful I am.

I'm proud of my dad. He's been stressing, but recently he opened his mind up to some counseling from his peers. He made the call, reached out and is now headed in a better direction. I know it's hard for a grown man with a family with service responsibilities to open up to a man with the same qualifications, but he did so anyway. He let go and let God.

"Satan, the ruler of this world, is a master at getting people to give in to negative thinking, pessimism, distrust, and despair." When I came home from the meeting tonight, my mom called me in her room and said 'did you see that line?! That's me!!!!' She said she even wrote in the margin of the book that housed that quote "Oh NO!" Lol. I thought that was funny. I'm glad she shared that with me. I'm glad she told me that she's going to change her thinking because she doesn't want Satan to win. She exposed the little jewel of her personality when she shared that with me. My mom often thinks she has all the answers, so this was nice to hear.

What TC commented in my last post is so true. I've been relying on another imperfect human being to satisfy my needs. But never should I have done so. Men are just as imperfect as women are and sometimes just might leave you hanging. But I have two things that I can lean on when my man is less than available. I have God and I have myself. Those are the two places where I can find happiness right? I'm surely getting it from God right now. I can feel it in my bones. What I need now is to make sure I'm getting it from myself, from within. Tomorrow is personal study day so perhaps that's what I'll focus on. How to make myself happy.

Oh, I almost passed out and fainted in the metro today. I was two seconds from calling 911 as the world swirled around me and I had to crouch to the ground. But I made it. I prayed, made it to work, managed to go back out and get some crackers, ginger ale, and soup to munch on throughout the day, and then had a pretty successful day. I think my appetite should come back soon so since I can't afford an emergency room bill, I'm looking forward to that day.

Buenas noches gente!

Needs

A woman needs to be loved. She needs to be held. She needs to be told she's beautiful. Not once in a blue moon on occasions where she gets dressed up, but ever so often. She needs to know that he finds her interesting. She needs to catch him staring at her just because. She needs to be paid a compliment. She needs to feel like he finds her intelligent. She needs to know that he's crazy about her. She needs to feel like he's head over heels. She needs to be lusted after. She needs to know that she can make him laugh. She needs to hear that he won't ever leave. She needs to know he wouldn't change a thing. She needs to feel accepted. She needs to hear a sweet word. She needs a 'just because' flower. She needs to know he's thinking about her. She needs him to grab her hand. She needs for him to go in for a kiss. She needs to feel like he always cares. She needs him to make her feel wanted.

A woman's got needs. And I am a woman. I have needs.

30 Days

I want to form a habit. It is said that it takes 16 - 21 times or 1 straight month of repeating a task for it to develop into a habit. I want reading the Bible daily to become a habit. Something that comes naturally instead of something that I struggle to accomplish. I want j.a.c.'s weekly personal study night to be automatic. Automatic like brushing my teeth in the morning. I want making good decisions out of tough circumstances to be a norm. On a lighter note, I want eating healthy 2 - 3 times a day to be routine! I mean sheesh! You should see me! If I turn the side I disappear! I've never been this small. But now is the time to fatten up. Too bad I have a wedding dress being made. They're going to have let that sucka out! Anyway, good habits here I come. The first month is the hardest. 30 days of FOCUS.

What's today's date? February 19. March 21st is the date. As a matter of fact, let's take it to March 31st. I don't want to be over confident at all. March 31st seems like a better date. Let the hard work begin!!!

Ran-dumb Thoughts - Spiritual Edition

Just used my last $5 for a box of Honey Bunches of Oats
mmm
This cereal tastes so good
So...
So far I've sent my co-worker some information I promised her over a week ago
She was struggling with finding the balance between honoring her mother and feeling that her mom's way of worship was not in harmony with God's standards
So that's done
I also hit up my studies on the train
Read an article called "A Time for the Head and a Time for the Heart"
My emotions are my achilles heal
They kill me every time
So I read the article to give me some instruction on balance
At first, before reading the article, I thought that I might have to supress my emotions
But nope
God doesn't say that, which is so loving to me
He doesn't expect me to act and think like a man because He knows that's not how I was created
He wants me to be me
YET... there's a time for emotions and there's a time to use my brain
When it comes to Jehovah's standards, the brain needs to kick in
There's no room for emotions where His principles and laws are concerned
My parents had a family study last night that I joined the tail end of
They are kinda having the same problem
My mom gets so emotional that she lets them hinder her from doing the right thing
My dad is so into his head and so rigid that he has a hard time being flexible and reaching into his heart to stop his routine and help my mom
It's an interesting dichotomy
It's the age old discussion of how men act versus how women act
So after I read the article, I forwarded it to them in hopes that they'll be able to cross over their barriers and discern when it's time for the head and when it's time for the heart
Bottom line is that everyone has to give
Just a little
What else have I done this morning
Oh
I started studying another article about what makes a spiritual person
So far I've learned that I need to stay drowned in spiritual things
Like totally entreanched in them
When I don't, I start tripping
It's the only way for me to stay focused and devoted to the plan
The other part of that is keeping the mind of Christ
Which means again, no emotions!
This is about the MIND, the head
Robinson texted me yesterday evening
I love it when people take a personal interest in me outside of the normal designated time
At the hall or in the ministry
We went back and forth a couple of times over text
He was actually the one who helped me down the 'emotions' path
It's so so so nice to be reached out to when it's not during the times when it's normally the appropriate time to reach out
It's one thing I miss about my LA congregation
The elders want me to come to them
I'm not sure what to talk about so I have to dig deep and figure out what I need to come to them with
Maybe I'll say that!
Alright
Time to work
Holla!

What I Would Give

I am Passion

I've been missing myself for a quite a while. Been thinking back to the times when I was fancy free and lovely. Remembering when I felt so right. Reminiscing over periods when my step was right. But as I sit here listening to an artist I respect and get comfort from, I realize that I'm missing my passion. Passion is who I am. When I'm passionate about the words I write, when I'm passionate about the music I'm listening to, when I'm passionate about the subjects I photography, I am alive. I've been suppressing my passion. Trying to be less crazy. Trying not to look like I'm out of this world. But when I listen to music I love, I need to put on the stank face. I need to connect with it. I need to get inside of it. When I'm inside of anything that I love...that's when I'm me. That's when I'm happy. That's when I found a place that's comfortable. The passion that other people have inspires me. Inspiration is everything to me.

Teedra Moses

Teedra,

This may seem a bit silly, but what you do means the world to me. Time and time again, you lift me up off of the ground. Time and time again, you're right there for me when I'm feeling a hot mess. The first time was when I packed up and moved to the other side of the country. I was alone in a great big world, but I found you and the vast spaces around me were filled. The second time was when I knew I was in a dead end relationship. The struggle inside of me was brought to the surface when you told me to take my love away. The third time, this time right here, you cradled me as I waited to see whether my heart would be stolen. You saved me from the worry and the craziness that could have eroded my mind. Your music fills me. It lifts me from the ground Teedra. It pulls me from my knees and raises me above the clouds. Your lyrics say all the things I could never find the vocabulary to say. I know you don't realize what you do for your fans. You couldn't possibly. How you are saving lives and filling the gaps that we can't fill on our own. I fit in the pockets of your music. They completely envelop me and keep me clean from the garbage. I'm so thankful for your talent.

j.a.c.

This Royal Patience mixtape is by far the BEST she has done. I definitely can't dismiss her other music though. They've done me wonders and have changed my life. Download Teedra's mixtape here.

God, Don't Leave Me

It has to be okay

It just has to be

Because all that I have

is my heart

Nothing could be that cruel

It doesn't exist

The pain I would feel if

I won't even speak it

Because it's not

It's not going to happen

You know my heart

There's no way You

You won't be with me

It won't happen

Because I wouldn't

I wouldn't be able to live

Oxygen wouldn't be enough

Food wouldn't sustain

Family couldn't save

My breathe would be gone

The knife would twist deeper

Right into my heart

All I have is my heart

Open willing and able

I need you too bad

For the universe

For it to take you away

I can't find a reason

Why I shouldn't be happy

Why I don't deserve

Deserve mercy

It won't happen

With every neuron

I know it won't happen

All that I have is my heart

The tears I have

My tears are real

Coming from too deep

Deeper than deep

I won't apologize

For being me

Believing and pouring out

Pouring my emotions

Emotions so raw they stink

So raw you can't taste

So thick they don't fit

I've never wanted anything

Anything as bad

It won't happen

All that I have is my heart

It's here to give

I can't give up on it

The yearning inside

There's no reason I couldn't

I couldn't be granted this

Deserving is too limp

Please please please

Love me God

Give me everything you have

Don't give up on me

And the possibilities

All that I have is my heart

It's my gift to you

Freely yours

As plush red and crazy as it is

As wild as it may be

As passionate as it may appear

Don't leave me God

There is nothing that cruel

No where in the universe

Can you find cruelty

As separating you and I

Ran-dumb Thoughts

It's Friday

I've spent a full 7 days inside of this house except for the 2 times I got to see highway 202

It's time to break free

The blizzard has run its course

I feel slow

As in life is dragging

Perhaps it's my part time schedule

Or the fact that I have no money so I can't do anything

It would be in my best interest to take these slower days to my advantage

And I'll try

It's just not who I am

I like to be a well oiled machine with people to see and places to go

I like to have plans

Actually, I like to make plans to chill

I don't want to make plans to work

That's what I'm doing now

I'm planning out what work needs to be done

Being stuck at home for a week might be the cause

I previewed Corinne Bailey Rae and Sade's albums this morning

Those two calm me to no end

I wish I could purchase them

But I have to be sure I can pay my bills first

Who would have thought I'd be back here

Struggling

That well oiled finance machine is rusty now

I have Sade's "I'm a soldier of love" line stuck in my head

I can hear her singing that as clear as day

Latoya Luckett has a new video out that I like

She really looks and sounds like she's coming into her own

She's really comfortable in the video

The song is about wanting a man who will simply be good to her

The scenes with her leading man are real cute

Obviously the dude is good to her

I think that's all that women want

A man that's good to them

And I'm sure that's what men want too

A lady that's good to them

Everyone just wants people to be nice

I'm going to see if I can get the marriage license today

I just don't know how I'm going to pay for it

I rearranged all of my accounts and made a couple of transfers so I can pay my bills

Getting paid once a month on the 15th is hard

But what makes it worse is now that I've switched to part time, I won't get paid until after the 15th

Going an entire month and then some without a paycheck...

Sheesh

It shouldn't be allowed

But that's what happens when you change your employment status like that

The schedule and paycheck get all jacked up

There's no doubt that I'm stressed

I'm tired of stress

I've been stressed for a while now

When will the stress be over?

I guess when I get my life back into some sort of consistency

I miss MJ

Haven't seen him consistently like normal

Guess I have to get used to that being that our morning schedules aren't aligned anymore

But I miss him holding me

Things are always good when he's holding me

I'm looking forward to another blizzard where we can be snowed in together

I'd rather be stuck with him than stuck without him

Someone wrote a comment on my last post

In Japanese

What am I supposed to do with that?

And why would a Japanese speaking person even read my blog?

I was supposed to write my love story for an old co-worker

She has a website she wants me to write for

I told her I would do it by Wednesday

Maybe I'll do it today

I'm not even sure what I would say in it

I've already written about our story

But she's not asking for how we met

She wants a real love story

I'd need to dig real deep for that

Especially because there have been so many obstacles

But that's love

When you stick it through no matter what

Love conquers all

Perhaps that's how I'll start it or what I'll name it

That's really the story of our love

There will always be obstacles and trials

It sucks that they never end

No matter how many times you go through something

There's always something new to climb over

There's always more to learn

It reminds me of that quote in Love Jones

"Falling in love ain't s$#%. Will someone please tell me how to stay there?!"

Gosh I need to see that movie

I've been feening for it for a while

Sucks that we only have it on VHS

I need to buy it

When I get some money

Oh! I found it on youtube!

They really don't make movies like this anymore

Love Jones still remains my favorite movie of all time

But back to what I was saying

Dude was on the verge of something brilliant when he dropped that line

Staying in love is a topic for the best of minds to study

How to love when the dust settles and it's just two people

Two people standing there with all flaws exposed

Love is not about the tingly feeling

It's about hard work

MJ and I have put in the work

We have prayed, cried, fought, and talked until we were blue in the face

Some might say that's too much

Maybe he's not the right one for you

Well let me tell you something

I want to get married and be married to a man that loves me

No matter which man I choose, we are going to get into it

MJ, however, is the man who chooses to stay in it

MJ is the man who has stamina and endurance

Not to mention he's the man who makes my toes curl...

...in a good way

But anyway, that's enough about my personal business

I'm about to watch Love Jones to start my day

Toodles

A Day In A Snowstorm

7:38 - Woke up and shifted through my early morning thoughts for a while

8:00 - Signed on to the work email and checked personal email/fb/blogs etc.

8:30 - Showered and actually put real clothes on. Not house clothes (so sick of house clothes by now), but actual clothes that I could be seen in!

8:50 - Made up my bed and closed shop on the room. Today is the day where I get up and out of the bedroom. I wasn't in it all day yesterday either, but I specifically don't need to be in there today. It's too dark and small for my mood today.

8:55 - Worked. The files are either corrupt or don't work on my Mac. Sent a couple of emails seeking assistance. It's hard working from home. I play on a Mac. I work on a PC.

9:45 - Ate breakfast that my sister cooked for the family. Omelettes, toast and grits. Mmm. We also shared the daily scripture together. As usual, the scripture was right on time.

10:15 - Back to work. I realized that the files were coming in corrupt on my Mac, so I had to go to the basement to use my parents Dell. Everything worked fine down there. "Please turn up the heat mom! I'm freezing down here!" My sister comes down with her Teach for America and grad school work. I guess she just wants to be near me.

12:50 - Got tired of working. Went to check my IM and gmail. No new IM messages. Only junk in the inbox. Delete, delete, delete. Went upstairs to look in the refrigerator. I'm not hungry but I need a snack. How about some watermelon?

2:30 - Back to work. The job is bothering me about some survey that I need to take. I started the thing. Hopefully I'll finish it before the day is up.

3:30 - My parents wanted me to join them in on a workshop about marriage. How To Decide To Have A Successful Relationship. This was really helpful! In the process of the workshop, I sent my fiance what my needs and irritations are, which I promised him I would do. The workshop enhanced my understand of what it takes to make relationships work. One thing I learned is that it's always about the other person.

6:30 - Dinner Time. Leftovers here I come.

Spiritual Goals

• Increase my share in the ministry - I was reminded today that the way to maintain my faith is to teach others. When you teach others what God's word says, it sharpens you.
• Maintain regular personal Bible study - I have to do more than attend a Sunday service to really get it. I need time alone with the scriptures to meditate on what I'm learning and figure out how to apply it in my life. More emphasis is needed on how to apply the information to my every day walk.
• Be prepared - It's important to be prepared. I come across topics and conversations every day that could give me the opportunity to mention what the Bible says. By anticipating questions and people's feelings on subjects, I can infuse Bible information into the discussion that may help a person. To be prepared, I have to study.
• Widen out my association - I want to be surrounded by people who are like-minded when it comes to spirituality. Not just people my age, but those from different walks of life. I don't want to simply leave it at speaking to different ones at my place of worship. Rather I would like to spend time outside of our spiritual activities getting to know them.
• Apply God's principles in the little things - I'm okay when it comes to avoiding murder and lying and the other huge no no's. =) What I would like to improve on is the small stuff like keeping my room clean, getting annoyed with train riders who crowd my space and watching movies and listening to music that I couldn't watch while sitting next to Jesus.

What are your spiritual goals?

Writing Junk

I love to write, but unfortunately, I'm limited on ideas. I visit other people's blogs such as abelleinbrooklyn or VSB hoping to snatch up a bit of inspiration. Sadly, I always walk away empty-handed. All the topics are the same... what a good black man is, the oh-so-common list of relationship pains, how to get along better in our communities, the nonsense that's happening in the news and media, the latest racial misfortune, etc. It's always the same. Different toilet, same crap. You would think that I would be able to write on such subjects as a young, bright, plugged-in leader of our time, but I can't. I just can't do it..... What did you say?....You want to know why?... I'm so glad you asked! I have two reasons that I know will shut up any holes into why I probably could be more creative or try harder. Here they are.

I don't want to be like everyone else! What successful blog or article out there doesn't surround DRAMA? Please do me a favor and find one. What I've seen lately has been down-right monotonous. If I see another article on why black women can't seem to find a man or any other version of said topic, I will scream. Shutup already. Where is the variety? Oh, well the blogs that are full of variety are way out in the gaps of cyberspace that no one can seem to find. How unfortunate.

Secondly, I know too much. I have too much Bible knowledge that is. Any issue that arises, I can pretty much shut down with a scripture. And all of it surrounds the concept of love. After you put self-sacrificing God and Jesus type love up in the picture, the discussion is done. Talk about a buzz kill. People feed off of drama and some type of rude or degrading shocking topic. It's what most blogs and articles are based off. And if I cut off the drama by telling someone to love someone else more than they love themselves because that's what GOD did, or if I shut down the rude and shocking topic by telling someone to love themselves and stop being so self-degrading because your whole body is a vessel that GOD has given you out of the kindness of his heart, there will be nothing left to say. I mean, anyone can argue with me all they want, but there's no denying the Bible's truths. They are clear cut, true and appropriate for all instances. So yeah... my blogs, well the blogs that would be of interest to others, would be of no consequence.

Back to the drawing board!

Job Hunting

Lord, please deliver me from this job. I thought that I would regret the decision to leave. I contemplated asking my manager if I could work part time on a permanent basis instead of for the 6 weeks we discussed. Well, today is another Monday on the job and it's clear. Can't do it. Won't do it. I'm looking forward to March 22nd.

This sudden career change has got my wheels spinning...yet again. I should probably begin writing again. All those song lyrics, poems, blogs and stories I have. What am I doing with them? Why are they not in circulation? My love for photography has never died. Perhaps I should pick my camera up again and begin working. Or what about my love for the performing arts. Besides my time at the magazine, my second favorite position was with The Lincoln Center. Why am I not getting paid for my passions? And why is it that I always revert back to my first loves in a time of crisis?

This is my time. I am a business woman. Not a woman who sits back and waits for her break. The power to be happy professionally is within my control. I will push and pursue my desirable course. I am a minister, a photographer, a writer, a coordinator of art events, and a professional financier. There is no reason for me to be miserable. I will make my own schedule and determine what works for my obligation to Jehovah and what works for me. This is my time.

Here I come!

How I'm Feeling

My hand was made strong by the Almighty... Redemption Song



I need redemption. Please deliver me Jah.

Engagement Photos - January 16, 2010

I love this man.

Angels

I don't care what anyone says, this song is on point. I think this is the second time I've posted it, but it needs to be posted again. This song is SLEPT on. If this wasn't Diddy/Dirty Money, it would get so much more play. Imagine if Rihanna did this joint. Everyone would LOVE it. No matter to me though. Music is music. No matter who is on it. I hear music. Love!

If you don't wanna stay, you can go

It seems love don't live here no more

The angels are flying so low

Singing to you

(Don't hear me callin you)

He's the one you love

(Cuz I hear them callin me)

And he's the one you trust

(Like our time is almost through)

Time is running out

(There's nothing left to do)

When they're calling you

(I answer)

Through The Darkness, Remember Him

Sometimes the storm is so heavy that you don't think you'll ever see a clear sky again. Sometimes you work so hard that the intensity leaves you drained. Sometimes you cry so hard that the tear ducts in your eyes become barren. Sometimes you're so upset that you turn into a person you don't recognize. But it's through darkened days that you learn. You become better acquainted with your flaws. You become awakened to your hypocrisy. It's through the darkness that you realize what you've lost. You also realize what you've gained. Growth is the most important function of darkness. If you don't growth through it, what was it worth?

I thought I understood life. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought that my paths were clear and I knew who I was as a woman. But boy was I wrong. There is so much growing to do. I must keep developing into a better person. There are things that I do not know and do not have an answer to. Even though I wish everything had an easy go-to remedy, not all can be healed quickly.

I wished that I had an instruction manual for human beings and for life in general. What I forgot all along is that I had a Bible. There are no answers more upright than what's in that divine book. Everything I want to know is available for my taking. All I have to do is remember that it's there. So that was my mistake. My biggest mistake of all. Forgetting His words. While my roadway was dark, I should have been using his words to light my feet and path. Through it all, I've grown to learn to never leave His side. Never stray away from His direction. Never feel like I'm alone. I have the biggest teammate in the world. And it's only with His help that I can win.

Thank you Jehovah for remembering me, even when I don't remember you.

Sunday Morning Thought

Today is a new day. I don't know if it's any different than the others, but I know that I'm happy to be alive. Thankful for all the blessings in my life. I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm growing into a new woman. One on a mission. On a road to achieving an objective. Today is the beginning of a new life. A life that's going to be full of wisdom and decisions made for the best. I'm going to play a role unlike any other I've played before. A 27 year old woman, dedicated. I'm rising to a higher level. I'm going to be stronger and better. I'm going to be more apt and fit for what's to come ahead. There's no more playing around. No more childish games. I am a woman. A phenomenal woman. Thinking through my thoughts. Thinking through my actions. It's time to step up my game. Use the tools God gave me. Today is a band new day indeed. I pray Jah give me the ability to be a brand new me.

Yes Teedra, Yes!

Everybody hands up high
Yeah it's going down, that's right
Even when you're feeling low
Just remember you can rock with me
Cuz the world didn't give
And the world can't take it
When the winds of the storm blow
Just let it go!

Put it in the wind!
Hey!
Just let it go
Put it in the wind!

I'm talking to the dreamer
The true to self-believers
Whether taking chances on the block
Or grindin out your 9 to 5
Tryna get that money
You just want the life of milk and honey
But you just gotta hold your head
Cuz in time you're gonna win

Everybody hands up high
Yeah it's going down, that's right
Even when you're feeling low
Just remember you can rock with me
Cuz the world didn't give
And the world can't take it
When the winds of the storm blow
Just let it go!

Keke Wyatt - Who Knew

I really like this song. This is too cute. I gotta go get her CD next month.
That guy reminds me of my boo.

Omarion - Speedin

Can't wait for this to come out.

Engagement Photos

I am tired as I don't know what. I keep waking up around 5am for some reason. Yesterday I managed to fall back asleep for the extra hour, but today I ended up pulling out my Macbook. I've been working late the last couple of days so my manager told me to finish my work and go home early today. I love it when I get that option. I'd rather work 10 hour days during the week to get off early on Friday. When I get off though, I'm going to snap a few pictures of some locations that I think will be good for our engagement shots. We live in an urban area so DC will propbably be the best backdrop to express our love. Our first date was in DC, our first kiss was in DC and the metro, which travels through our beloved DC, is where we spend a large portion of our couple time together. I'm going for an old Hollywood glam look as far as hair and makeup goes. At least that's what I would like. We'll see if I can actually turn my hair into some sort of hollywood glam style. I'm trying out a new hairdresser so we'll see if she can catch my drift. I've never been to the Mac counter for a makeup consultation so I'll try that as well. After getting the engagement snaps out of the way, I need a nap. This weekend is looking to be pretty busy. Painting bedrooms, furniture purchases, an evening of bowling, shoe shopping... I'm already tired.

Thankful and Other Crap

There's so much crap going on right now that it's best to focus on my blessings. Here's are three things I'm thankful for.

• I'm very well rested. I do not miss the days when I would push my body to the extreme and run on E for days. My body is calm and I am so thankful.
• I'm not broke. That's always something to be thankful for. I was penny pinching for a minute there but I'm not anymore. I got a check that I wasn't expecting and was able to use some of it for myself. I haven't actually shopped at a VS Semi-Annual sale in years. Finally, yesterday, I was able to. It was therapeutic.
• My father. He's a man unlike any other. When I'm not right, he fixes me in such a mild and loving way. I love that man.

I've thought about becoming a little loco. Unraveling a little. Changing my personality and stepping out the box. I'm a very formal, laced up to the neck sorta gal in my persona, but I'm starting to see the benefits in being totally unconfined. I guess more free-spirited is what I'm referring to. Free-spirited but smart. And the best way to start this phase (because I'm sure it's a phase) is to change the way I dress. More polka dots instead of solid colors. More yellow instead of black. More balloon skirts instead of pencil skirts. A turban instead of a tortoise headband or a beret. A little more Carrie Bradshaw and less Charlotte. You know what I mean jellybean? I want to live outside this box.

The thought of disappearing has been on my mind a lot. Not literally disappearing, but exploring different parts of the world and finding my little secret loves with a patch of the earth that no one knows about. I've been craving nature for a very long time now, and the winter freeze does nothing to help me. I just want to tip toe through a field of dandylions or something. Lay down on a pile of leaves and watch the clouds go by. Do I sound odd? I really do have a fascination with the outdoors that I haven't been able to revel in. I think I'm going to become a flower child and a tree hugger.

If you noticed the theme, I'm trying to be everything else but myself. But what if what I've been for the last decade is just a phase, and who I really am lies ahead of me?! I just want to break lose of the uniformity!

Ran-dumb Thoughts

There once was a girl

Who wasn't feeling quite right

Her attitude was poor

And the world was less than bright

But then she went to happy hour

And had a ciroq and OJ

That one drink hit her hard

And everything in the world was OK

Lol

Yeah that's how I feel right now

All you need is a happy hour

And then everything is right again

Sure the fix might be temporary

But I actually talked through this one

Got to some deep rooted issues

So I actually killed two birds with one stone

Nice going j.a.c.!

I'm sitting in the bed

In my purple chemise

Listening to a preview of Ollusion

Omarion's new album for those who are unaware

I've always been a fan of this boy

Any man who can dance and hold a tune like him

Is surely alright with me

Until he does something stank

Like A. Keyes

I thought she was alright with me

But she is involved with a married man

Dang girl!

Couldn't he at least get divorced first?

Separation doesn't mean squat!

If you want to minimize the ghetto-ness

Wait until he's divorced!

With her reach for the sky, help a child self

Palease

My parents are in their room listening to new kingdom melodies

Trying to figure out what I'm walking down the aisle to

How come I can't drop it low down the aisle?

Do a little twerk and a pop?

That would be fun

Lol

I'm going to loosen up more

Like I am tonight

Inject some life into my world

Get a couple of needles and pump myself up

I'm feenin for some life

Shaking like an addict missing a fix

My hair needs to be done again

I should do it tomorrow

That way I can be ready, set to go

Just in case

The new year is coming in

I want to start it off fresh

I need to shop

But I'm holding off because of this wedding

But I really need to shop so I can do it up

Do you know I don't own a pair of classic black boots?

Gasp!

How can I not have a practical pair of boots?!

And most of my jeans are too short for heels

What a disgrace

Anyway, let's move on

My fiance doesn't like it when I talk about shopping

He doesn't say it, but I know it

He wants me to keep my eye on the more important things

Yeah, I know

But I really do need some things

It's hard being a female!

Speaking of the fiance, he's at the gym right now

Trying to beef up

Get some muscles back on that body of his

His muscles back in the day scared me

It was too too much

Now he's as skinny as a toothpick

It's marvelous how he can go back and forth without problems!

I'm as skinny as a toothpick too

Apparently I've lost weight, so I'm trying to re-gain

Just in time for my wedding

It's sleepy time

I can feel it in my bones

Nigh!

Why 42% of Black Women are single- ABC Nightline

• Don't these women live in ATL? They should know better. If they want to get married so bad, they need to move. Perhaps they should try increasing their chances of meeting a STRAIGHT, black man.
• No date in 10 years!? Come on sis. Something has got to be wrong with YOU.
• Why does this seem like a black woman's problem? So Latinas, whites, and Asians don't have an issue?
• I don't think I ever want to see a topic like this introduced by a caucasian female. Something about it doesn't feel right. "And now, here are the sad, pitiable, black women who can't find husbands."
• Seriously though, the whole story is not being told. Do these women have nasty attitudes? Do they have serious character flaws? No woman as beautiful as those 4 are, can get away with being manless for 10 years if everything is on the up and up. I'm just sayin...

My New Stalk Victim

There is something about this girl. Zoe Saldana screams class.

96 Days

I read a blog about the single mother phenomenon we see in our society and how married woman sometimes feel guilty for having a husband, when so many do not. I had to think about that for a second seeing as how I'll be married in 96 days. Would I ever feel so guilty about having a husband that minimize what I truly have by calling him "my man"? I immediately answered my own question with a 'heck no' but I'm starting to re-evaluate.

I don't talk about my wedding a lot. There isn't much to talk about because everything is being handled so smoothly, but even so, I choose not to talk about it unless someone asks me. Why is that? I definitely am excited and I really enjoy being a bride-to-be, but sometimes I feel it's...what's the word?...inconsiderate, yeah that's it. I feel it's inconsiderate of other people's feelings to be too happy about it. I'm probably putting all of this in my head on my own but most of my immediate acquaintances and friends are single ladies who desperately want to put this whole god-awful dating game behind them and be married. I was there. Hating each and every minute of the back and forth dating crap, wishing I could pass it all and be married. I remember hearing that so and so was getting married and he is the perfect man and there are no more like him. I remember the agony. It's simply not fun.

So now I'm on the other side of the spectrum. 110% happy. Feeling like I lucked out and was swept off my feet by the last knight in shining armour out here in this debased world. How could I wallow in the depths of my pre-marital bliss? It's not like I'm the type of girl to really wallow, but something does hold me back from speaking about it. It is what it is though. Even if some of my single ladies told me it was okay, I'd still have this thing about it. One thing I know for sure is that misery loves company and it takes a lot to be truly happy for someone else when you're doing all you can to be happy for yourself. Feel me?

A New Plan

Ok. I'm going to get it together starting tomorrow. I talked to JennWill and she made me do it. Here's the plan. First I need to get my act together and stop looking like a boy. So a nice outfit, a bubble bath, painted fingernails and a washed head of hair should do the trick. Next, I need to start taking strides to find friends. I need more JennWill's in my life and I realize that I'm not going to find them by sitting on my butt. I have to go out and mingle. Girlfriends are so important. It's not that I haven't enjoyed spending every waking minute with my fiance, but I'm beginning to feel like I have no outside connections to the world. I need some estrogen in my life. After that, I'm going to find a life. I keep saying this but I need to have my separate j.a.c. things. My photography, my dance, my this, my that. I've talking about seeking a certificate in something artsy and creative for the longest time. Perhaps I should follow through at some point. It's hard to maintain yourself when you're so deep in love. Remembering that you are a separate human being with separate needs, likes and desires is a challenge. There's a balance out there that I have not yet found, but I must. I have to take control of my life. My fiance and I can't stare at each other forever.

Fancy Free vs A Tub of Lard

I feel like I'm wading through lard. I don't even know how my fingers have the strength to type at this moment. Everything recently seems so hard. Waking up is a task, sitting without caving is hard, and the train ride..that's the worst. God must have been looking out for me today though because I wasn't caved into a corner like I usually am. Large black, grey and brown winter coats and heavy boots weren't stomping around me to make me feel smaller than small. This time there weren't any mounds of bodies to fight through. Bodies that weigh on average 10 pounds more than they do in the summer because of thick winter materials such as wools, down and shearling. This time it was just me.

My fiance asked me how long I've been feeling like this. I really don't know. And I don't have the energy to figure it out. All I know is that I feel extremely heavy. Everyday that I wake up is a day that I'm pushing. I can't even tell you how I make it through. It's almost like my brain tells my legs to keep moving, and somehow I get there. I'm so exhausted. The train jerked today, and I nearly fell over while lacking the strength to keep myself stable. I feel extremely frail.

I wonder if my mother is right. She says that my lack of proper nutrition is holding me down. When I walked in the door last night, both her and Kacey said that I looked haggard. Gee thanks. But they were right, because I felt it. I felt like I could have caved on the foyer at any moment. But at least I made it home right? Spring and summer usually don't have me feeling like this. This is the first winter, however, that I've felt so drained. Never have I felt so downtrodden. I saw a couple on the train that were so fancy free. I was envious of their spirit. I want to be fancy free and light. Where can I buy some of that? I'm broke, but I'd be willing to sell everything I have for it. Feeling fancy free is priceless.

Few Random Notes

Wedding planning is moving right along. A co-worker who I see often, but don't really speak to, asked how it was going as we were sanitizing our hands in the bathroom. No one has really asked me about the plans so I was happy to share. Hubby-to-be has almost completed the wedding website. He was originally working on a flash site because he wanted to be cooler than all the rest (rolling my eyes), but it was taking up too much time. Who wants to sit there and mess with html code when there are specially made free websites for this stuff?! [Right MJ?!] Future hubby has also gotten our wedding invitations and RSVP cards ready to go. I like them a lot. They look like us. Our wedding bands have been designed, so we'll probably go look at them and put a deposit down sometime next week. Things are moving right along!

Have you noticed the surge in hand sanitizer? There is hand sanitizer everywhere! There are bottles of the stuff everywhere at work...in the kitchen, in the bathroom as well as by the common area's photocopier. And to top it off, there's a hand sanitizer stand in the lobby of the office too. And then when you go to CVS or the grocery store, there's either a barrell of miniature sanitizers or a table display of the big bottles. I think someone is trying to tell us something. Sanitize Sanitize Sanitize!

Future hubby sent me a website of model homes to look at. I can't believe I'm over here looking at houses for my future family. It's so weird! I don't understand how I could feel this way, but I feel too young to be heading down this path. But we all know that's not true because when my the number of years I've been on this earth flashes before my eyes, I'm immediately shut down. Yep, it's definitely time. It's past time. Regardless, I can't even express to you how I feel about this next chapter of my life. I Am So Ready. I wish tomorrow was my wedding day. But then again, as David Tutera from the "My Fair Wedding" tv show said, i shouldn't wish the time before the wedding away because before I know it, it'll be over.


Ok, that's it for now.

Praying For A New Job

The "Discover A Career You Believe In" sign in the lobby haunts me. Everytime I see it, I wonder why I'm here. Little does the company know that if that sign keep staring me in the face like that, I'm going to discover my way right on out of here. Maybe that's why it's there in the first place - to get me moving. I've begun to incorporate my desire for a new job in my prayers. I've been really specific too. The amount of money, the flexibility, the type of job, the time frame, and the location. I probably should add in what type of people I'd like the work with. I'm so ready to get out of here.

When Are We Going To Play?

I'm getting married, but nothing's happening. It's so quiet and the air seems thin. Where are all the fun bridal activities that the bride-to-be gets to partake in. I've never really been one for the spotlight, but this time I kinda want to go for it. Whenever I've been singled out for something, I try to minimize it and do my best to make others feel like it's a big moment for them as well. I did that for my baptism. At least the best I could. Even though people came from afar and everyone was there for me, I turned it into a MJ and I can finally date thing. At least in my own head. Our two families came together for the first time that day as well. I was more nervous about meeting his mom than I was about my baptism. So as I was saying, it was about more than just me. There's a part of me that doesn't want to do that this time. Even though it's my husband-to-be's special day too, I kinda want it to feel like j.a.c.'s day. Actually, I want the stuff leading up to the wedding day to be all about j.a.c. The pampering, the girl's day/night out, the bridal shower, etc. That's the stuff I want a spotlight for. The wedding day though...I hope they look at him more than they look at me. lol. But I'm ready. I'm ready for the pre-wedding activities! Where are they? We have less than four months until the wedding and all I hear are crickets. Should I be doing something? Maybe I should plan my own single ladies get-together. Our local needs was about taking initiative in hospitality. The elder said that if we want more gatherings, initiate them! I thought that was kind of funny. Anyway, when will I begin to feel like a princess for a day? Is this pre-wedding period all about hard work and no play? I promise that if and when the playing happens, I won't try to downplay it. ;-)

10:48am Reflections

What do you do when your candles are burning thin

When your tears are trapped behind eyelids

When the pain you've grappled with doesn't die

When the light turns to terrifying darkness

They tell you keep pushing

Ask if there's anything they can do to help

Say that I've come further than I realize

Give me love to wrap around me like a blanket

But if you aren't fine within

If you can't find the happiness

If your individual journey doesn't lead up

Then none of it matters

A song that's tugging on my heart strings right now. Corinne's debut after the untimely death of her husband. "I'd Do It All Again"

I Took The Day Off Today

When I opened my eyes, I reached for my phone and read the most encouraging message. So encouraging that I re-positioned myself up on my elbows to finish reading while halfway through. I wasn't expecting a comment, especially because no one reads blogs anymore, much less for someone to leave one that fit me so well. I read the message over trying to inhale every single word. They smelled too delectable to stop. Thank you Morgan.

So I propelled off of that wonderful, pick-me-up of a comment and wrote in my personal journal about 20 minutes ago. I think I may have moved one space towards that age of self-discovery that I feel is missing. Chances are that Morgan is right and it never left. But just now, I'm beginning to see the light of clarity.

When I was everywhere but home, I was out. Unlike being on this assembly line I call home, when I was away, I was mountain climbing and flower picking. Not literally of course, but I was extremely active and open. It's interesting that I used the mountains and flowers to express how it felt because I think to certain extent, being in nature and in the openness of California afforded me a lot. As a matter of fact, I know it did. I'm a nature girl at heart. I love to lay on a blanket in the park, drive with my sunroof open in order to see the beautiful clouds that are there for my enjoyment, and sit on the beach while listening to crashing waves. I think it's my connection with nature that spring-boards my stillness. And from that stillness comes thinking abilities that allow me to go inside, which in turn allows me to be so clear. Hmm. How deep is that? This is totally coming to me right now as I type this. So here's what it is. I rely on Jehovah's creation to find myself. Wow. Now that's a statement right there... Wait. Give me a minute to let that marinate... Yep. I thought it over and it's true. I remember when I used to drive up one of those mountainous hills in Long Beach, get out of the car, and sit overlooking the city for an hour or more. Not only was I able to gain clarity on a lot of personal things I was going through, but I was able to realize how perfect and vast God's creation is. How could you sit on top of a peak and not see God?

So where does this leave me now? Morgan said that I have a new age of self-discovery upon me. The discoveries of partnership, lover and best friend. It's interesting to note that everything I wrote above, I experienced as a single person. Well maybe not. I think I must have been dating at some of those 'up high' moments, but never to the point where I considered myself as one unit with the other. But after all that dating (well not ALL; I've only had 3 or 4 boyfriends) I'm finally about to be one body with a man I know is perfect for me. So yes. In essence, I was single. I've never had to share any of that stuff above with anyone. Nor do I know how to. Nor do I know if I have to. When I think about taking a moment to think, I certainly don't see another person in the picture. Should I? I went "flower picking" all by myself and loved it. For when I came back from "flower picking", I was ten leaps ahead from where I was when I started. What I think I'm trying to say is that space has afforded me growth. So now what do I do? My geographic location nor my relationship status can provide me with space. Oh wow. Lol. LMBO. Guess what my fiance' and I keep as a theme of ours? "No space between us." How ironic! Hmm... So wait. As the laughter fades from making that connection, I'm beginning to feel a little concerned. Sooooo..... Ummmm..... Ugh. I think I just put myself between a rock and a hard place. I have to think about this now.

Well... at least I'm thinking! And I have the day off to do it.

I Feel A Hole Inside of Me

I'm not okay.
But I don't want to complain.
What I do need to do is speak the truth.
Without my staples, loneliness can set in.
It's true that you don't know what you're missing until it's gone.
You don't know how valuable people are until you can't reach them.
But I should use this time for me.
Lord knows I could use it.
Still yet, I feel a bit lost in translation.
I don't know what to use the time for.
Nor do I want anyone to tell me.
This isn't where I want someone to jump in and 'fix it'.
My mind is very cloudy.
I haven't been clear for a very long time.
I remember a phase in my life when I saw everything like crystal.
Among westward sunny skies when I was me by myself.
In tune with myself, I was so peaceful.
I miss the absolute stillness that comes from clarity.
Absolute stillness.
When is there time for that?
You have to dig deep down and find that place.
It's within all of us.
But when you're ripping, you crowd out the time.
Since I moved home, I've been swallowed.
I fell right back in line.
Jumped straight on the conveyor belt and haven't stopped yet.
I checked back in to 'my place' in this town.
The daughter, the PG girl, the regular.
The regular.
I think that's the disappointing part.
I'm so used to being amongst the new.
Falling back into the regular halted my self-discovery.
Self-discovery should never end.
But now that I'm here, I'm not discovering anything.
I'm lost.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm not okay.

I Hate My Job

It's official. I hate my job. I tried not to admit it because then I would have to do something about it. But I can't fight it anymore. When I'm here, I'm down. When I'm on my way here, I'm down. I just hate this place. I cringe every time I get an email. And I'm definitely annoyed when someone calls. The work does nothing for me. It doesn't move me, excite me or inspire me. It's just pure work. I miss Essence. I miss believing in my profession.

Procrastinating

How come no one blogs anymore? I miss the days when blogworld was the scene...the place to be. I remember when I couldn't keep up with the number of new posts and comments on everyone's blogs. I think blogging has been punched in the face by twitter. I'm still not on that thing so I have no idea what the frenzy is and how it replaces blogs. All I know is that I miss the camaraderie of blogs. I miss sharing with people who actually read, care and comment.

My head hurts a little. I have this tough assignment to take care of and I'm procrastinating like I don't know what. Manual accruals. Yuck. It's the hardest thing on my list of to do's, and it usually takes a whole day to figure out. Nevermind the fact that it's already 1 something. I should at least get them started so that I can have them finished Monday. But... I just don't feel like it! My head hurts! It probably only hurts because I know I have to do them. It's only stress. I gotta push through.

I'm going to NY when I leave from work. I'm excited to go back to the city. If only it was to shop. I have a photography gig tomorrow that I'm a little nervous about because my viewfinder seems a little blurry which prevents me from taking the best shots possible. I really need to put my camera in the shop but who has money for that? I'm planning a wedding. Nevertheless, I hope the shoot goes well. I'll take more than the necessary so that I can cut what I need and hand over a nice package of shots. I need to figure out how to put a tag on all of my photos.
© 2009 j.a.photography. Perhaps my fiance can do that for me. I pray that I get a lot of really nice shots. I'm going to work hard on this one.

My engagement ring is getting on my nerves. I think it's because it's still too loose. I can't imagine wearing rings on my finger for the rest of my life. I usually take all my jewelry off when I go to bed. I'm tempted to take the ring off as well, but I know better. Before I know it, I'll be wondering where that gorgeous diamond ring went.

Can I take a nap right now? Goodness. I need to recharge before I start those accruals. Maybe I'll take another break after this break and get my mind together. If my energy is right, I can push through it. Only two and a half hours more to go. Actually, just two, cuz I think I'm going to leave a little earlier than intended. The bus to NY leaves at 5:30 and I want to be there 20-30 minutes early. So I guess I'll leave right before 4:30, go pick up dinner for the bus and be on my merry way.

I just had to unsnap my bra at my desk... Sorry for the TMI but it's been bothering me this entire time. I hate bras (and the itchy leg warmers called tights). Adam and Eve had it the best.

My girl Liz asked me if I was writing. I told her that I had no time. Now that I think about it though, I've written more in the last month than I have in a long time. I've been blogging more and I've even written quit a bit in my journal. I think I owe it all to the pending nuptials though. I finally had something to write about. It would be nice to write a story, poem or lyrics though, like I used to. That takes the patience, follow through and concentration that I just don't have right now. I love to write though. If I could write all day I would.

My parents are on their way to Africa. How exciting. I'm really happy for them. Experiencing the motherland for the first time, together as husband and wife...that's just wonderful. They'll be running around Capetown and Johannesburg, as well as doing a safari. What's very cool about the trip is that they get to do all of this with our international spiritual brothers and sisters. I can't wait until I get to attend an international convention. I think I'd either want to go to an island like Hawaii or do Paris and London. I'm big on traveling, even though I don't get to do it as often as I'd like, so traveling with delegates from congregations is a good way to go about it. I think. I haven't gone on one yet so who knows what freedoms are really allowed. If I can't visit the spa and go jet skiing, I'll have to take another trip back on my own. lol.

Okay. I'm really really tired. I'm going to the break room for a second. I might just need to come into work early on Monday. Have a good weekend!

Don't Know Why I Left

My iPod has been horribly stocked lately. I don't even listen the thing half of the time. All of this light pop stuff has got to go.

So I landed on Erro's blog today (haven't been there in a while) and was quickly transported into a world of music that I had forgotten all about. REAL MUSIC! Erro introduced me to so many new and not so new artists (Chinna Black who is one of Ms. Badu's backup singers, Ebrahim, Francis and the Lights, etc.) that I'm overwhelmed. I can't wait to re-do my iPod completely!

Here's a couple of videos/artists that I discovered today. They've been feeding me for the last couple of hours.

RE-Introducing Soul R&B and Hip Hop music. I don't know why I left.

A Modern Promise (music video) from Francis and the Lights on Vimeo.