Identity - Not 100% Anything

With my natural hair journey comes a lot of research. What products to use, the proper hair routine for bed, different protective styles for gaining length, how to prevent shrinkage on a wash and go, etc. With lots of research comes lots of images. Images of African-American and African beauties with large Africa earrings on, wooden bangles, head wraps and the such.

I have to admit, I'm falling in love with a part of me all over again that I was introduced to in my former days as an Essence of Africa program graduate. I love the eclectic nature and the boldness of what I'm seeing. So much so that I actually got the guts to wear a head wrap today. I haven't worn one since I graduated from Essence of Africa at the age of 13.

When I came home from the movies today with my head wrap on, my husband and I had a conversation about 'the look' that I was going with today. While he's okay with 'the look', he let me know that he doesn't want me to go all the way to the left and turn into a different woman than who he married. I'm actually not mad at that at all. I think it would be a shock if I started wearing head wraps, wooden earrings and African inspired clothing all the time. It was an interesting conversation in which I ended by saying that I'm not 100% anything. In fact, I am all about different styles. I love Hollywood glam. I love bohemian. I love Jackie O conservative. And I love the dark cutting edge Rihanna look just as much as the romantic girlie one. I need it all.

That leads me to say, it's amazing how much a hair style can dictate who we are. I've kinda talked about this in my previous 'going natural' blog, but it's interesting how naturalness automatically becomes associated with Afrocentric things. I know this doesn't have to be the case, but in all of the images I've seen over the past month, (and this bugs me a little) not often do I find a naturally curly African-American wearing a Jackie O or Audrey Hepburn style shift dress with pearls around her neck. And because of what I'm taking in, it's hard to think to match my curly bush with Michael Kors stilettos and diamonds studs. To be honest, it can be a challenge to take in these images and remember to stay true to who I am. But having the conversation with my husband made me remember that who I am is a little bit of everything.

When I take on a style, whether it be American sweetheart or hard core rocker, I like to go all in. Hair and everything. Since I don't know my naturally curly hair that well, transforming it to be what I need it to be is difficult right now. I feel like I'm ruled by my hair and not by my mood for the day. Hair is supposed to be an accessory and not who I am.

I say all this to say that hair and identity are two words that I'm fighting to keep separate during this phase in my life. But now that I've identified this issue, I'm sure I'll work it out. One thing is sure...it's the greatest thing to know who you are and own it. That's individuality at its best.

Here's a thought written by Moptop Maven... It applies perfectly.

"In a world that will seemingly forever pit curves vs. thin, light skin vs. dark skin, relaxed vs. natural, blondes vs. brunettes and black vs white; we must always hold on to our individuality. Staying true to our individual value system fosters a deeper sense of self-confidence that holds more weight than the praise received from trying to fit the mold. 

We must remain separate from thoughts of insecurity, inadequacy, and any fear we may experience; or else we risk the consequence of being consumed by these momentary feelings. We can separate ourselves from these feelings by developing a stronger "center" that always reflects our "true" selves, and remains undisturbed in the face of adversity. - Don't be afraid to be you. Let your love for yourself flow freely; let it feed your soul, let it carry you down the path of conscious freedom. 

To be content with your true self is to live in richness, truth and love. Whether you are dark skinned, light skinned, or completely lacking melanin; you were created in Divine Perfection."

I Have A New Site! (or Two)

I started two new sites!! I'll release the second on a little later one (I'm still editing it). But here's the first!

http://jendayiasha.tumblr.com/

As for the purpose of this site... here's what I wrote in the about section on tumbr.

welcome to my digital inspiration board

my little part of the computerized world where i compile images and words that inspire and drive me towards reaching my goals. this site will serve to keep me focused, keep me organized, and make me happy.

it's a two dimensional art project that I create. there are no rules, guidelines or limits!

While this is true, I really started it because this blog is entirely too personal to share. There are times when I've been dying to share my blogs with the world and with my friends on facebook and through other avenues, but then I quickly remember that I have years and years of history on this thing. I've been pissed, I've been hurt, I've been embarrassed and I've been happy for reasons that I shouldn't necessarily share with people who don't already know about this site. People who don't know my progression and my heart....

Sooooo... introducing jendayi asha! follow me here as I show you all the things I love and more...

Curly Hair Regimen

I'm still on my grind regarding this natural hair process. The support in the curly community is great so there are tons of blogs, articles, videos and product review sites. Today, I came across Moptop Haven's site that I'm actually quite impressed with it. She's very detailed and knowledgeable with her posts. Not to mention that her hair looks healthy, so she must be doing something right.

Anyway, she has this healthy hair regimen for curly sistas that I'm going to try. I haven't yet mastered how often I should wash, co-wash, detangle and moisturize my hair, so I'ma try her plan out. What you see below is a copy and paste of her blog. I'm going to try this today along with a method I'm learning about called pineappling! They say that the pineapple method will prevent me from having matted hair in the morning. Check out this video if you've never heard of it before. This is for short hair like mine.



Detangling prior to wetting hair: This is essential in reducing the amount of hair lost, and more importantly increasing the amount of length retained. Detangling prior to wetting the hair is easier on the hair shaft [as hair is in it's most fragile state when wet], which means no more splits, knots and breakage from detangling. Always detangle with a seamless wide-tooth comb. If you're on a budget, you can pick up the Jilbere shower comb which is a favorite of mine. They retail for under $2 at Sally's

Pre-Shampoo conditioning treatment: Sulfates in shampoos, and synthetic ingredients found in many hair care products can really take a toll on highly textured hair, leaving it brittle, dry, and lifeless. Pre-conditioning involves conditioning the hair prior to shampooing it. What this does is re-hydrate thirsty hair, helping it to retain more moisture after shampooing, and throughout the styling process. 

Shampoo hair in sections: It may take an additional 5-10 minutes, but you will definitely appreciate the benefits. Shampooing hair in sections ensures you get your scalp clean, and keeps your hair neat which prevents knots, matting and excessive tangles. 

Deep Condition: Deep conditioning the hair weekly prevents breakage from dryness, corrects issues with elasticity, nourishes the hair follicles and promotes hair growth. Keeping highly textured hair moisturized is key for maintaining, thick, healthy hair. - You can choose to deep condition with heat [using one of those inexpensive soft bonnet dryers], or by using your own body heat generated from your scalp [just cover your head with a plastic cap].

Moisturize your hair: Replenishing moisture levels throughout the week makes for happy, healthy, soft, touchable, manageable hair throughout the entire week. Often, when hair is stiff, brittle, or excessively dry before weeks end, it is due to the lack of moisture. - Keeping hair moisturized also helps prevent breakage from dryness and keeps your strands lubricated which helps keep the tips of your strands from forming knots/tangles. 

Seal in the moisture: Beat moisture loss by sealing in the moisture after hydrating your hair. To lock the moisture in your hair, add a dime size amount of oil to your hands, rub hands together to distribute oil, then apply to the entire length of the hair paying special attention to the tips/ends. 

Sleep in a stain bonnet or on a satin pillowcase: Cotton is not your friend. In fact cotton can cause split ends, breakage, and chronic dryness. Avoid setbacks by sleeping in a satin bonnet, or on a satin pillowcase. Your hair will thank you!

Every month consider the following:

Scalp Treatments: Scalp treatments are effective in removing bacteria and exfoliating dead skin cells [accumulation of dead skin cells and bacteria can lead to hair loss/thinning]!

Every six to eight weeks consider the following:

Protein Treatments: Protein treatments work to keep your hair healthy and strong by preventing or correcting breakage, filling in gaps along the hair shaft [which helps your hair retain more moisture] and correcting issues with elasticity.

For those that plan on wearing their hair "out" in it's natural state [like twist outs or braid outs], I recommend shampooing and deep conditioning once weekly. Use this sample regimen as a starting point when making your own:

• Sunday: Detangle hair + Condition hair with a pre-shampoo treatment + Shampoo Hair + Deep Condition + Lightly detangle + Style

• Monday:

• Tuesday: Moisturize hair as needed + Seal in the moisture + Re-twist/Re-braid hair as needed

• Wedensday:

• Thursday: Moisturize hair as needed + Seal in the moisture + Re-twist/Re-braid hair as needed

• Friday:

• Saturday: Moisturize hair as needed + Seal in the moisture + Re-twist/Re-braid hair as needed

The regimen listed is the framework for length retention, thickness, and body. As I discuss various regimens, I will go into depth on scalp treatments, pre shampoo treatments, protein treatments, oils to seal in moisture, etc.

Hair: Product and More Product

Shea Moisture
Jane Carter
Cantu Shea Butter
Hair Pieces
Headbands
Rollers
Renutrients Slick Stick
Flower Accessory
Wig Caps

I think I'm ready...

Hair: My Natural Versus Your Natural

I think this secret, natural hair group that I'm in on facebook is doing me more harm than good. Every time I read the posts, comments and tips, I have the HARDEST time finding myself within the experiences.

Issue #1

You see, I've been natural most of my life. Well for a little over half of it actually. The last perm I got was at age 16. But since the age of 16 *dun dun dun!!!*, I have been pressing my hair. *BIG GASP*

Before joining the natural hair group, I thought I was a natural lady. I reasoned that since I didn't use creamy crack, I was in the mix. But apparently, I am disillusioned. I, JJ, am not a part of the cool kids. *tear* I mean, I totally get the whole heat damage thing, but what about this? What if...pause for effect...there is no heat damage?! What if the natural chemical bonds that can suffer under excessive heat are perfectly fine? If that can be possible, should the hot comb still be shunned like the plague? Should heat be so hated?

Well guess what. I have no heat damage. Yeah I said it.

I'm sure the natural hair enthusiasts within my secret group would beg to differ that my hair MUST have SOME sort of heat damage, but I assure you that it does not. Since I've joined the group, I've done research on heat damage and I know all the characteristics of the catastrophe. Thankfully, my hair has none of the systems. At least it doesn't based on the amount of curl that attacks my head when my hair is washed.

You see, I wear my hair short. A la Meaghan Good

and pre-shaved Rihanna such as pictured below.

I transition from the curly, wet TWA to a sleek, short cut with a hot comb. And if anyone knows about maintaining a short cut, you would know that it requires frequent cuts. Being that my hair grows like a a weed, I have to get my hair cut monthly. Otherwise, the style grows out and doesn't look as sharp and sleek as it's supposed to. So for real, for real, my hair doesn't have any time to become heat damaged! It's gone before it has a chance! Hence, scissors are my savior.

So now you might be saying, well if you're convinced that you have no heat damage, what's your issue? Just keep pressing and cutting your hair and live your life!

Well...I've been wearing my hair short for some years now and I'm ready for a change. You see this beautiful, young lady right here.

I want her hair. I want to migrate to a new place and actually see what my hair can do if I put the scissors and hot comb down.

Here lies Issue #2

Since joining my secret natural hair group, I've been researching how to transitioning my already natural self (yes, I'm still claiming natural even though I don't fit the look every other natural lady has) into a different kind of natural self. And what I'm understanding is that moisture and protecting your ends (the oldest parts of your hair) is the key to success. I thought that sounded easy enough until I started looking into how to protect my ends.

Protective hair styles...Bantu knots, cornrows, braids, twists... Huh? So in order to get long, flowy, big, curly hair I have to go back to Africa first? Not that I have an issue with African hair styles. It's just that I wore them as a child and absolutely HATE them on me now.

My girlfriend commented on my fb wall that "Whether it's natural or relaxed, straightened or curly, it's really about finding what you makes you feel like a beautiful woman...The best hair is the hair that works best for you." I totally agree with her! Do you know how miserable I would be wearing hairstyles that I don't feel beautiful in?! Even if they're for the sake of a beautiful result? I just can't. I can't go through years of being embarrassed to leave my house for a future hair style that may or may not work for me.


But I really really really want big, curly hair! =(


AND I've noticed within the secret group that most of the chicks braid, twist and cornrow their own hair!  ...which leads me to believe that you need to have some serious hairstyling skills in order to make this work. Not only do I have none, at least not in this new territory that I may or may not tread on, but who has time to sit and twist or curl tiny little sections of my hair? Talk about torture! Someone suggested that I find a natural hair stylist and stick with them through my journey, but what difference will that make if I am against the African hair style options that will be presented to me?


SIGH. I don't know what to do. And I promise you that worrying about this is going to be the death of me. This issue seriously leaves me up in the morning. Yes in the morning...when my husband leaves for work and I have two more hours of sleep left. I just can't seem to stop thinking about it! It haunts me every single day!

What to do... What to do...

Music Video: Kelly Rowland ft Lil Wayne "Motivation"

Babies

The idea of having one has been swirling in my head like a hawk... and all the more so within the last few days. Not only did one of my closest male friends just have a baby (and I had no idea until I saw a post on facebook which kinda upset me, but whatever), but I spent considerable time with my nephew who was sick most of the time. The waking up in the middle of the night, the considerable spit and wet food all over the place, the crying for no reason... Just when I get close to deciding to have one, I get scared all over again. Not to mention that hubby and I don't agree on a few things about raising a child. He was raised a JW and I wasn't. He went to public school and I went to private. Our backgrounds are so different which directly play into what each of us thinks is best for a child. Yes, having varying backgrounds can be good when it comes to covering more baby-raising territory, but I kinda wish we had somewhat similar backgrounds. Things would be so much easier in the beginning. So... what are the blessings of having a child again? I've heard them before, but I can't remember not one. To have a baby or not to have a baby...

On My Plate

My battery is charged, and before it runs out, I'm steaming ahead with a head full of ideas. I finally have an official website. I paid for the domain and web space and my webmaster (hubby) and I are testing and preping the site for use. I'm so excited about it. I've been sitting at home for the past two days throwing visual ideas around and basically bossing my webmaster around. (Thanks love!)

So while I'm not releasing the site yet, I will tell you that it's going to be a space where photography and inspiration meet. You guys know how I feel about being inspired and about picture-taking, so I thought it would be perfect. What I plan to do is spend some time and interview people who inspire me. Sometimes, it might not be a person though. I'm open to being inspired by places and things as well. But capturing that inspiration on paper, or webspace rather, is my aim. And then of course comes the photography; the visual aid to complement the interview or the description or whatever writing aspect comes out of it. I'm super excited. Did I say that already? And my human subjects will get a free full photo shoot out of it. How perfect is that? I'm not trying to generate income from this. This is just straight raw creativity. I don't want any exterior pressure on this. I want this for my joy. If all goes well, I'll put my photos on a business facebook page and go from there.

I saved enough money to buy paint so I can get started on re-doing the living room. I don't really know where I'm going other than paint colors so I'm praying it'll come to me. I thinking I need to spend some time in thrift stores and find accessories that inspire me. I might be able to do the entire room using thrift store pieces. Hmm. Challaaaaange!

Update: I actually got to work writing out my plans and it came easier than I thought. Take a look at my sketch, list and color palette! Yay! I'm going to Lowe's tonight as soon as hubby gets home from his Bible study. Tomorrow is painting day!

Update Again: I scheduled my first interview! There's a local photographer that I love and she said she would love to get together with me! Gosh, I feel good. There's nothing like being productive.

Stolen and Inspired

stolen from Tanekeya Word's blog...

Goals

Lots of goals to harp upon....

Spiritual - I took a look at my goals document saved on my desktop, and I actually accomplished everything. Go me! So now, I want to start assisting with Kingdom Hall and Assembly Hall builds. I don't know where this desire came from, but I really want to put up dry wall and install lighting/fixtures and stuff. OH! Interior Design Experience!!!! Yes!

Exercise - This might be contingent upon getting a steady source of income, but I want to get back into ballet. I need some disciplined dance courses in my life. One class a week should be enough.

Vacations - Well Cabo is coming up in May, and then we have the family reunion in August so I think I'm okay with vacations for now. If I can get in a trip to CA that would be great. I'll look towards winter for that trek. Again, this is contingent upon income.

Career - I should go ahead and re-do this living room like I want. Do you think I can do it in April while I'm pioneering? I also have an idea for a photography site where all I need to do is set up interviews with people I admire spiritually... It always sounds so easy. The only thing to it is to do it.

I'm Not A Hustler...

...and therein lies my problem. Hustlers have to be bold. They have to act like they know what they're talking about at all times and show no signs of fear. They have to have the ability to push and persist in their dream. I, unfortunately, do not have those qualities. I have been conditioned to take the straight road; the road that has been paved by my background and education. Anything that cannot be substantiated by my experience and education is a deviation.

I am afraid to venture off the beaten path into the world of interior design and photography. Sure I can do these things for myself and as a hobby, but to actually call myself an interior designer or a photographer would be ludicrous. Why? Because I don't have the professional experience or education to show. If I were to hire someone to do anything, I would want proof of credentials. But now that I'm typing this, wouldn't a portfolio of quality work be enough? Hmmm... I don't know. If I were to chose someone to redecorate my house, I would wonder if they understood color concepts and room dimensions and would assume that they gained their basic text book skill sets in a classroom. I do believe that not everything can come with on the job training. There are some things that need to be read and studied. Am I wrong for thinking that?

I want to go to design school. I'll feel better about my expertise if it's grounded in a classroom. If I were to design basically on instinct, I would wonder if I was leaving something out. I would constantly questioning if there is something that I don't know that would make the job that much more perfect. I would think about the direction that someone with schooling would take and if it would be better. I'm grounded in schooling. That's the bottom line. Will I have enough gumption to provide someone a service without it? sigh... As I said before, I'm not a hustler.

Action item: Look for books on how to be a successful hustler.

Interior Design: Decorative Pillows

I cried when I saw these on Rue La La. Literally. It comes from the post I just wrote about hating my day to day and wishing I was doing something different. Something different like interior design. But anyway, here are these beautiful gems of decorative pillows. I'm in love... Patterns, stitching, texture... So divine..

Classic Home "Bloom"

Classic Home "British Flag"

 

Classic Home "Flora"

Classic Home "Ikat"

Classic Home "Scroll Print"

Classic Home "Shine Flower"

Classic Home "Venetian"

Design Accents Baroque

Design Accents Jeweled

Nourison "Cross Stitch"

Nourison "Shells"

Ryan Studio "Bowles"

I Messed Up

How are you supposed to know yourself well enough at 18 years old to pick a major that's going to stay with you for the rest of your life? I don't understand that. How can colleges request that you narrow in on a specific field during a time in your life when you're just beginning to figure out what kind of cereal you want to buy, and not what your parents always bought and fed you? Why do colleges force you to do that?! In my humble opinion, that is SO WRONG of them! I blame college. Shoo. I blame my parents.

I somehow was smart enough to study two disciplines; economics and dance. But my question is why was I never encouraged to pursue dance (or another art form) when I clearly got better grades in it. I wrote better papers. I had better ideas. I had a keener appreciation. I had more joy. So why didn't my parents point that out? Why didn't they lead me down an artsy path instead of pushing me to pursue finance? My hypothesis: It was because of their own selfish reasons. They didn't want to assist in supporting me as an artsy person. Finance paid more so they led me into their own personal financial freedom. At least that's what I believe. I totally could be wrong though. I was their first child in college. Maybe I didn't display any artsy qualities. Maybe they just didn't know. This is why I sometimes hate that I was the quiet child. I wasn't as expressive as I wished I was. My parents would have seen something different if I was. I just texted my mother and asked why I wasn't led down an artsy path. We'll see if my hypothesis is true.

I just totally hate where my life has taken me in terms of career...which is why I'm blaming the world. I simply hate it. I want to change careers so bad. I want to start all over from scratch and go to school for interior design with a minor in photography. I looked at how much an intro to interior design would cost at Corcoran College of Art and Design... $2,700. smh. I feel so defeated. It's like the world's forces want me to stay miserable. Why isn't it easier to switch careers mid stream? It makes me feel like my formative years were a waste. Of course I know I got something out of it. I'm a better thinker, I have deductive reasoning skills, I can handle finances, I can manage a project, I have organizational skills... I still wish I had done more.

I need to take this feeling and do something with it... I have to think...

Ran-dumb Thoughts

I'm sitting here watching Iron Man with him.
But I've seen it so many times.
Only half interested.
Saw 'The Adjustment Bureau' Friday night.
Best movie I've seen in a while.
It had me thinking.
I even got a good conversation out of it with him.
A deep one.
A pivotal one.
I've been quite irritated lately.
Just not in the mood to laugh and joke around.
Nothing's particularly wrong.
Just in a mood.
I mentioned that I think one of my friends might be depressed.
He asked me if she has a heavy conscious about anything.
It's funny he went there first.
He said it'll keep you unhappy every single time.
I guess he's right.
Job hunting is the same.
Tired of 'updating' that.
It'll stay the same until it's not.
When it's not, you'll know.
I just gotta find my faith that everything is going to be ok.
I wish my parents were down the street.
I could use a visit to 2001 this evening.
Hang out in front of the tv.
Eat some home cooked food.
Get a break from my house.
The information on singleness hit me.
For the simple fact that I could be single in a second.
Unforeseen occurrences happen.
Anyway, days are just days.
But I'm looking forward to my trip in May.
It'll be a break.
I don't think I'm every truly satisfied though.
Days are always just days.
No matter whether I'm working or not.
This life truly sucks.
Things will be so much better in paradise if I make it.

Scriptural Aha Moment

You know how when you're down and crying, you tend to cry even harder when someone hugs you showing their care and concern? Well that just happened to me when I read this scripture in Colossians that says, "let the peace of the Christ control in your hearts..." My peace seems to be running away from me today, so I felt like Jehovah was reaching out to me at that very minute. And since the memorial of Jesus' death is right around the corner, the idea of the ransom sacrifice is on my mind. There's another scripture in Hebrews 4:14-16 that talks about how we have freeness of speech when it comes to talking to Jesus because we have as a savior not someone who can't sympathize with our weaknesses but one who went through the same tests we go through everyday. By coming to earth to die for us, Jesus can attest to how hard it is living in Satan's world all the while fighting to keep uplifted. I love Jesus for that! He is the bomb for doing that for me! And I am so happy that He knows how I feel and what I'm going through.

I say all that to say that it's clear Jehovah has my best interests at heart. I've been pretty strong since losing my job, and for some reason everything that I've been saying to myself about having faith in Jehovah's timing and the lessons that are meant for right now went right out the window this morning. But reading these scriptures recharges me and being allowed to talk to Jehovah through prayer because of Jesus leaves me thankful. I don't know where I would be if I couldn't pray and be heard by God. I'd be lying if I said everything was all good now, but I'm thankful for the reminder. I need these 'aha moments' to keep on coming to prevent me from falling too low.

I'm looking forward to showing my appreciation for the ransom sacrifice by being present at the Memorial on April 17th no matter what comes up. He said to 'keep doing this in remembrance of me' so I must do what the man says.  =)

Pouring Applications and Resumes

When he leaves in the morning to head to work like a good husband does, I feel like I'm not pulling my weight. Here he is taking care of the family, and I'm struggling to keep our house clean and have food on the stove when he gets home. This cleaning and cooking thing doesn't get any easier. I thought being unemployed would make a difference but the house looks even messier now than it did when we both worked. I think it's because we live in it more. I'm here all the time, and every Monday we're both contributing to some sort of mess.

Being unemployed was great for a while. But now, not so much. And I mean... I expected this moment to come, so I can't say I'm surprised, but the novelty has officially worn off. I need a job. And of course, as soon as I get a job, I'm going to wish that I had time off to be home... It never fails. The grass is always greener. What I need is a job that works me in cycles. Go hard for a few months, and then work from home lightly for the next few. Wouldn't that be special?

HGTV was supposed to serve as inspiration, but now it's making me feel small. That's what happens when you focus on the material 24/7. I never knew that inspiration could bite me in the butt though. I thought inspiration was supposed to be a positive concept. smh.

I'm tired.

Switch It Up!

This burgundy/red mess has run its course and I have one more long look in me before I cut it all off for the summer...So for the next style, I'm between two options. The Teyana Taylor (love big, curly hair) or the Naomi Campbell (love the straight bangs). If I get the Naomi, my hair will be shorter of course like the first Naomi picture. It'll be cut blunt above the shoulders to give a cute cropped look.

Big and curly or sleek with bangs...

all photos courtesy of google image search!

The New House

As soon as I get a new job and get my first two checks, it's on.

10 Things I Have to Have In A New House

1.  natural light! sky lights, big windows, open light space, whatever...
2.  a window bench
3.  a man room (these remote control cars, helicopters, etc. are messing with my fung shui)
4.  an office with a tall bookcase
5.  a white upholstered chair or couch
6.  kitchen island with bar stool chairs
7.  glass shower in master bath
8.  big art on the walls, preferably my art
9.  2 bedrooms besides the master (guest room and a just in case room)
10.  flowers and plants

My Room in 'Fake Furs'

We've been looking forward to buying a house. And I've been looking forward to designing my own room, perhaps the office. I believe I found my colors. This breathes tranquility and light.

 

Jessica of Design Wonderful recommends the entire book, The Color Scheme Bible, to draw inspiration from. When we buy, I just might have to come armed with this little jewel.

Stolen and Inspired

I was inspired, so I stole... Thanks Tanekeya.

 Music

 Paint

Passion

Aren't these ads so on point? This is me in a nutshell. Especially the last one. Looking at the image makes me think about my non-existent but desired career. Can I have both?

'Exquisite Delight In The Abundance of Peace'

I'm having a moment... My bedroom window is cracked open just enough to hear the morning drizzle and chirping birds. The bedroom is dark except for the invading light from the slither of curtain I drew back. I'm writing while snug under my duvet cover. There's a light breeze that's freshening my face... Yesssss. I feel so composed and comfortable in this instance. No rap music. My upstairs neighbors aren't having sex. To do's were taken care of yesterday... I love it. This is the same feeling I used to get while laying on the beach by my apartment in LA. Looking back on that time is like remembering serenity. I was my own woman, 3000 miles away from home with no obligations, learning me. Does it get any better?

I'm a mesh of a city fashionista and a tree hugger. I don't think people understand the passion I have for a cold, rainy breeze on my face in the morning. Nature does things to me that are inexplicable. I totally understand how white people love running through the cold streets at 7am. Not that I would do that myself (as I hate running), but I get it! Their pink cheeks flush with the stiffness of the cold air. So refreshing, I imagine! You can't help but to have an enlightened, energetic day after that. That's the kind of stuff that makes you feel good. Now something I do want to do is hike. My predominately white, grade school built up an appreciation in me for hiking. For some reason, on every field trip we took, we were hiking. (shaking my head at white people) I think I might have the opportunity to hike on our upcoming Puerto Rico trip, but since we're only there for four days and three nights (and will have a limit on our excursion spending), I'm torn between the 'Shopping in San Juan and Condado' excursion and the 'El Yunque National Rainforest Tour'. They also have an 'ATV Low-Lands Rainforest Adventure' though. I rode ATVs through Mexico some years ago and had the most fun I've ever had in my life. No lie.

Speaking of nature, my hairdresser that I go to when I have a weave, put this astringent on my scalp called Sea Breeze. When she first started spraying, the scent was so familiar. It reminded me of my mother. Sure enough, it was the same astringent mom used on her face when we were young. But this stuff in my hair.... I LOVE it! The makers of this product couldn't have named it better because every time I swish my newly fresh tresses, I get this clean, airy breeze that is outstanding! Not to mention I love the smell. I wonder if I can use this on my hair all the time or only for when I have weaves. Mmm. Smell the breeze....

I don't want to move from this space. I could write all day, right here. This is peace.

An Orchestra Cover of Kanye West's "All Of The Lights"

Gives me goosebumps. This song is so epic.

Crying over love

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I can't stop thinking about and crying over the love I have for my husband. It's like I'm having a delayed response to our wedding day or something. I've been married for nine months, yet I feel completely overwhelmed with my appreciation for him. It's not that he's done anything extra lately, however I do think that he's grown leaps and bounds since we joined forces. He's grown into the man that I never imagined I would have all to myself. He is so gentle and caring with me. He says the right things and takes me into consideration with every single decision. I know that this is what he's SUPPOSED to do, but I am still in amazement with his tenderness. I've never felt like this before.

I've written plenty of blog posts in the past few years about what I wanted in a man. I've written poems, lists, copied lyrics, etc...and today I can honestly say that all of the desires I put to paper (or to the computer screen) have come true. Jehovah has truly truly blessed me.

I wish for all the women in the world to experience what I feel. I think that's why I'm such a romantic. I watch 'The Bachelor' and other shows like it, all the while rooting intensely for romantic connections and heartfelt moments. Every female (and every man) deserves to be appreciated and loved. It's everyone's right!

So this is dedicated to love and the man who I feel like was made especially for me. I am truly stuck in amazement.

Read With Me

source: vogue.com

I don't read much as I spend most of my time reading the Bible and Bible literature, but I have a desire to get back into books. I teetered on the idea of getting a Kindle or e-Reader, but I don't think I want one of those. I'm an old school reader. I like books. I like the look, smell and feel of them. I like to write in them, earmark them and pass them on. While I like the library, I prefer to keep books. I'm really looking forward to building a library once I have a room to do so.

Well anyway, can we read the top book pictured above? Ariel Sabar's Heart of the City: Nine Stories of Love and Serendipity on the Streets of New York. Doesn't that just sound like a glow? I don't know how 'glow' sounds, but if it had one, that's what I would use to describe what I hope this book is. If anyone picks it up before me, let me know how it is!

Fashion Accessories: Statements

These necklaces from Chicos.com make me want to join a tribe but a rather feminine, prissy one. I'm in love.

Happy New Month

source: oprah.com

Welcome to February. My January was interesting. It was definitely a month about new beginnings. I'm not complaining though. I like starting out fresh with a new year, whether the change is forced or not.

I'm in a good place. I'm emotionally happy and in a pattern of invention. I'm writing more, exercising my brain, keeping busy, trying new things...namely a red burgundy weave. =O  It's going to take me a minute to get used to it, but you only life once so... I do remember why I hate weaves though. My head has been itching me since. I'm already looking forward to my summer time, fresh, short do. As for the writing though, I really want to challenge myself to get more intelligent with it. I want to be inspirational and insightful, not always just writing about insignificant things. I'm still going to allow myself to write insignificant things because I'd hate to be censored, but now that I'm calm in life, there doesn't seem much to write about. I want to change that by diving a little deeper. Drama and friction usually inspires the most creativity. Or does it?

I had a job interview a few days ago. It was the perfect interview...until 5 minutes prior to the end when the CFO announced that they run late hours. I'm talking 9:30, 10:00pm late. I almost peed in my pencil skirt. If they call me back, I'm going to have to have myself prepared. Depending on how badly they want me, sacrifice and choice will be the name of the game. What are they expecting me to sacrifice and what choices are they willing to give me? If I'm required to sacrifice my hours at home are they willing to compensate me appropriately? If they are interesting in bringing me on board, do I have the choice to telework and decide the work schedule that works best for me? This is not to say that I'll accept the position, but I'd want to see what the lay of the land looks like before I walk away. Negotiations. I have more guts than I used to as well. I'm not afraid to be a business woman with demands. I'm looking forward to seeing how this finishes.

My goal this month is to get back into music. I miss it greatly and I need the inspiration from it. Not having the circumstances to put earphones in my ears or in my car stereo for extended periods of time limits me. I haven't been able to live inside the music which leaves me with a less than genuine connection with it. I haven't learned the words to a song in forever. I'm interested in traveling into the sounds of Duffy. She's playing in the background as I type so I must get on that and steal her album from my husband's library.

We've been thinking about having children. I know I know. I even hate to hear myself say that since I was so adamant about not having them. But the key word in that sentence is 'thinking'. We've tabled the discussion however until we're in a place to begin to consider the pitter patter. Having a child in this hole of a place is not an option. There are a couple of other things we need to get out of the way first, but I'm also aware that plans don't mean squat. At this point, whatever happens happens.

So here's to new Beginnings.

Music Video: Andreya Triana

Winter Needs Color

My Success

I'm watching OWN. In particular, Oprah presents Master Class: Jay-Z. I guess what Oprah said about creating a network that inspires people is really working out because as Jay-Z talks about life, and more specifically successes and failures, I can't help but to think about my own life.

As you may know, I'm jobless at the moment. The idea of only getting out of something what you put in is kinda getting on my nerves, because I honestly don't want to put a whole lot into this job search thing. Am I lazy? Umm... Well, let's put it like this. Since I started 5th grade at The Potomac School in McLean, VA, I have been working my BUTT off. I'm talking blood, sweat and tears. I've been on this path of excellence...top notch schools, top competing dance companies, being pushed to do public speaking engagements in front of political figures at the age of 16, forcing my brain to figure out calculus 2 math that I know I was never going to get and then going to tutoring sessions on my break so as to not 'give up'... My childhood and teenage years were hard. Very hard. I was always struggling to persevere. At this point in my life, I don't won't to be forced. I don't want to push until blood, sweat and tears fall. I want something more natural.

I was pushed at the right time though. During a person's informative years, s/he should be pushed. That kind of forced direction builds a foundation that I am thankful for. I'm glad that I have the skills and knowledge that I have. I wouldn't be who I am without those tools.

But anyway, Jay-Z's master class made me realize what I've been struggling with... The fact of the matter is that I am jobless, and if I tune into what I've heard all my life, being jobless directly contradicts the idea not wanting to push. To be honest, I don't even want 'that' job that I've been educated to do. But since I have no choice (or do I?), is the only way I'll get a job that fits me if I exert myself vigorously? Jay-Z said that when he was writing rhymes at the kitchen table, it came easy to him. So since his mother told him that you get out of life what you put in, he believed that nothing would come from rhyming. It was too easy. He wasn't putting much into it, so a rap career wasn't feasible. It was too natural. Now, that's what I'd like to touch into. And I say that with all passions of passion. Meditating on that concept... I think that's why I find Jay-Z to be an extraordinary man. Not only did he have the intelligence to let his natural talents work for him, but he stays true to himself in the game of push and shove. But look at Jay. He's not a lazy man. He works. He creates. He thinks. He has drive. So maybe it's true. You can only be successful if you put in work. Maybe laziness is not an option. But is that what I am?!


"Failure is a great teacher, and if you're open to it, every mistake has a lesson." - Oprah
"I've learned more from failures than successes." - Jay-Z
"The worst thing you can do is be as successful as someone else. That's draining." - Jay-Z
"You can have success, but to maintain success is another thing." - Jay-Z

These quotes are getting me to thinking... What are my failures? I don't think I can itemize them, but what I can do is say that anytime I haven't been passionate about something, it hasn't worked so well for me. Oprah said that the point she really liked was when Jay-Z spoke about "learning from his failures and no longer chasing success, but following his truth." She pointed out how that's a lesson for all of us. Find your own truth and follow it. I love that. And as of today, that is my mission. To find my own truth and follow it.

My success isn't the same as my husbands. He feels success with a promotion, not to mention that men feel successful when they are able to take care of their families. My success isn't the same as a mom who once said that her children are her success. I don't have children, so I wouldn't know anything about that. But the thing that those people have is that specific feeling of success. I know I'm successful because of my blessings. My family, this roof over my head, the ability to be jobless and still be comfortable. In that way, I feel successful. I didn't ignore counsel and marry a man who didn't love Jehovah. I didn't drop out of school and run away like I once thought of doing. I avoided drugs, stealing and stripping. Hence, I'm successful. But I still don't have that defined success that I'm looking for. What I need now is depth of clarity. Jay's master class advises us to follow our own instincts for what is true to us individually. So what is true to me?

What am I passionate about? Ummmmmm. *crickets* If I were to ask someone else, they would say music, dance, writing, photography... But my thing is if I were really passionate about those things, wouldn't I do them more often? Or maybe (here we go again), I'm just lazy. Ugh. I'm learning that there's a fine line between laziness and being true to who you are. So it looks as if I have an action item. Walk that fine line, and find my balance. To be continued...

I think Jay's quote sums it up the best for me. "Be true to yourself. It sounds like a simple thing to do but it's not. You have all these pressures to succeed and then to stay there. I'm trying to find that truth and tap into something really important, as well as have fun. It's not always about the responsibility of being great every single second. Sometimes I just wanna be silly. Sometimes I just want to be wrong. Sometimes I wanna be provocative and push buttons." - Jay-Z

About Nothing In Particular

I'm laying in bed listening to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Sometimes it feels good to lay in the bed at odd hours. I got into some meditation like I promised myself and ended up dozing off. I guess I did it right. My eyes have been hurting me though, which is why I'm in my bedroom laying in the dark in the first place. MJ is out in the living room watching tv. Even though I am obsessed with being around that man, it's nice to have our own thing going on at times.

So, I applied to 6 jobs last week. I'm not applying to just anything anymore. I'm being very specific with my applications. The next company I work with has to fit my needs just as much as I have to fit theirs. Tomorrow I'll dive into the hunt again. The unemployment lady said I should get some money by Wednesday. That will be ideal because I am all spent out. I got a little happy and bought myself a few things late last week. I haven't shopped in a while so I'm excited about my online purchases.

I had a good weekend. Friday night, I had a little girl's night out dinner which was fun. Sometimes you need a little estrogen charged talk. Saturday, MJ's best friend and his wife came in town. It's interesting to see MJ with his best friend. I learned a lot about him. We had a nice dinner and caught the Little Fockers movie. Yesterday, we were invited over a friend's house to play games and have dinner with a group of young married people. I had a lot of fun, even though the husbands won the men vs women Guesstures game. It's really nice to have a social life every now and then. I'm itching to put on a party dress and actually go out to a lounge. I haven't put a dress on that wasn't for religious reasons in a very long time.

My parents seem to be doing well in Huntsville. I don't miss them yet. I wonder how long it will take for me to feel the void. I should plan a trip down there. But my mother will be up here in no time for Pooh's graduation among other things, so I'm not sure if I should just yet.

I need to get back into my Zumba class. That was a lot of fun. The profuse sweating is an issue though. I'm getting really tired of doing my own hair, but I suppose now is the not the time to go back to regular hair appointments. I want to get a half weave so bad, cover up my neck a bit in these cold days. I'm ready for a change. I've avoided getting a haircut for the purpose of this planned weave, but if I can't swing it, I need a haircut stat! When you have a short cut, it has to stay short and sharp. There is no middle ground or you end up looking like you have a mushroom head. I have an appointment for the 22nd, so I'm wait to see what these unemployment funds look like before I cancel. I really hope I can swing it. Maintenance is an issue as well. I can't do my own hair with a weave... We'll see.

Alright. Family worship time. Later.

Of him.

Sometimes I don't think he sees me the way I see him. I can stare at him for hours. I can watch his hand as it touches the handle of a pot. I can watch his back muscle flex as he reaches up high to adjust the shower head. I can watch his toes grip his flip flops as he walks around the house. Shoot. I can watch stubble grow on his face. I never get tired of watching him. I notice everything. His veins, his fingernails. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm appreciative. Of him.

Unemployed Thoughts

I'm refreshed. I wasn't at first. The news hit me hard and wounded my pride. But this is the first time I've not had a job and had no worries. No stress. When I was let go, I said that I felt like Jehovah wasn't protecting me. But actually, as Satan chopped me off at the knees, Jehovah spread out the net and caught me.

I think I'm going to get back into the art of meditation. My mind hates me, and I need a way to battle it. Meditation is the one answer I have. Silent time to clear my mind. I don't know why I can't get it to stop running. From one thought to the next, my mind zooms me into deep corners and dark crannies. My mind hates me, and I hate it. It's too powerful, but I want to learn to control it. I want to have power over my mind. It's of no use when it convinces me that my God doesn't love me.


Now that I'm unemployed (again), I want to do things on my time. I'm not sure if that's agreeable with my husband, but I don't want to feel an ounce of stress. I want to do what I want to do this time around. If I want to go out in the ministry, I'll go out. If I want to sit in the movies, I will. If I want to go hard and sweat it out in the gym, I will. If I want to push myself into exhaustion while applying for jobs, I will. But I want to do it all on my time. Sometimes I wish people (or rather, my family) were just as proud of me for taking a day off as they are when I go out into the ministry, apply for jobs and cook dinner. Why does everyone want everyone to work all of the time? I guess if they're doing it, they want you to do it too.


I'm discovering the sounds of Bossa Nova. And I love it. There's so much music all around the world and I'm over here in America stuck listening to Trey Songs. That's a catastrophe. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't have my appreciation for diverse music. But I don't want to walk around with headphones on all the time so sometimes I have to force myself to put me first. When it comes to him, that's not natural. I remember growing up in a household full of diverse music. Jazz, African, World, International... I loved when my dad put on Deep Forest. Our house turned into a distant, aboriginal rain forest. There are so many sounds to explore. Diverse music feeds creativity.

Fin.

Torment

I've been having a really hard time in life lately. There are so many issues that I could speak on (but thank God none of them have to do with my marriage), but what they all merge to is the fact that I'm not being who I know I should be. Instead, I'm being angry. When I'm at work surrounded by general stupidity, I'm angry. When I'm at the hall and I'm getting yet another correction by way of the Watchtower or whatever else we're studying, I'm angry. When I think about my sister, I'm angry. And then when I'm angry, I just end up being mean. My co-workers come up to me, and I'm cold. They ask me to do something and I do it like they're bothering me. When I see my sis tonight, I already know that I'm going to sit there quietly to avoid saying or being disrespectful to her. Every fiber in my body is angry. Anytime that I read anything spiritual and see the 10,000 things that I am not, I feel like tossing it in the trash. But I don't. I just close it and put it away. Truth be told, that's no better.

So I don't feel like studying. I don't feel like chit chatting. I don't feel like laughing at your joke. I don't care about your office supplies or what you did over the weekend. Miss me with that.

I know this is not how I'm supposed to be. And that's what's killing me the most. It's tormenting me.

Somebody pray for me. I need relief quick.

Lessons Lessons Lessons

I've been hit over the head twice in one day in what I would call life-altering moments. As normal, my job ignited an anger in me that shouldn't have been lit. My boss was uncaring, unapproachable and rude when I tried to express the frustration that we feel when policies change from week to week. He made me feel small and stupid when I am anything but. I had a legitimate concern (what kind of company changes their policies to fit their feelings for the week) and he brushed me off. I can't explain the feeling that overcame me. My chest was filled with heat and I was ready to make him feel really dumb. But no sooner than when I started to formulate my response, I got a text message from my husband...

Ashanti said it in her song. "One day you're here and then you're gone." The sudden and unexpected death of my husband's friend straightened me out. As hearts were breaking and tears were pouring, nothing was more important than love and comfort at that moment. Out of all the deaths I've heard about over the past year, this one was the one that hit me the hardest. Not just because TJ was so close to my husband, but because I too had a brief but personal relationship with him. As he sat in my living room chair laughing and joking around, I would have never guessed that would be the last time I saw him.

So my two lessons? 1) There's no time for nonsense in this life. Life is too short for anger and contentions. Make it known how much you care for and love the people who are closest to you. Tomorrow they might not be here. While grief and mourning is very hard, the promise of the resurrection and paradise are more real to me than ever before. I am so so thankful that Jehovah has given us this relief. Without it, I would be a complete and utter mess. 2) Jesus was the best example of mildness. Under the worst of situations, Jesus maintained control at all times. He was wise and had an understanding of the injustices of this world as well as the goal and reward that laid before him. Fact: This job is unjust. So what will I do about it? The same thing Jesus would do. Be mild. "Behind the gentleness there is the strength of steel." That quote is so powerful. Yesterday I was weak. Today I will be strong. I will yield.

As TC said, 2011 will be the year of professional relief for me. I will not only find a job, but find one that works with my personality and desires. I have been and will continue to pray for the perfect match. I do not want another temporary job that I need to run away from. I need to focus on the more important things like my relationship with my husband and my family and friends. Nothing is more important that family and friends.

The Happenings

I want to close my eyes and breathe in and out for a while. Do some simple meditation. Calm my whole body down and stop my heart from racing. The funk-jazz station on 22tracks.com is doing me well. It's giving me a slither of peace.



Things are cool though. As cool as they can be when there's a demon roaming around trying hard to break me. Satan is real.

Time to turn on my mini heater under the desk. I haven't really been affected by the cold yet. I remember my days in NY standing at the bus stop while the cold hawk cut at my face. Thank goodness for my car. I'm so hot by the time I step outside that the cold air is a relief. By the time the novelty of the cool air fades, my car's heat has kicked in. Nope, haven't felt the frigidness of the season yet.

Man. I am drained. I cried this morning about feeling like I need too much personal work. Sometimes ready the daily scripture makes me feel low. There's always something to work on, something that I'm not doing enough of. It gets overwhelming at times. I'm supposed to look at them as helpful reminders though. Hmm...

I'm going to make my mom's hot wings tonight. I just emailed her about the recipe. I wonder if she does anything else other than adding loads of hot sauce. I've been doing well with cooking, especially since I'm on my period. Ooooh. That's why I cried. Totally forgot to connect that.

I'm about over this female. I keep trying to reach out. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she must be pretty busy, at the same time, it's time for me to move on. LC has been a sweetheart lately. LH joined our congregation and lives close by. We should have some future good times I'm sure. Mom is thinking about getting the girls together. I'm looking forward to being with the KW girls and TC and RH and 'em. Hopefully that'll come to fruition since my mom is leaving soon.

How do I feel about my parents leaving for Huntsville in less than 30 days? I'm not sure yet. I say that because while I know that my husband can never replace my parents, I'm wondering how less of a shock it will be because I have him. I'll definitely notice that I can't run to 2001 anymore. The only house that I've known of will be someone elses. That's strange. Good thing Huntsville is an hour and half away by plane. The issue is that I never plan when I'm going to see my parents. I just see them. Whenever I need to. Now I have to plan. Eww.

Last Sunday, I had a great time at SO's house. That was the best Sunday afternoon/evening gathering that I've ever been to. We played games, had grown folk discussions, ate, watched football, joked around. It was laid back and easy. I was most thankful for the discussion we had about marriage and kids. Only one couple there had children so we basically interviewed them on the joys of having kids....cuz we all know the disavantages. They really gave me some profound insight. From what your kids give you to home schooling to varying methods of parenting. I can't say that I've changed my mind about having kids, but I am less fearful. To know that there are options, methods and ways to do it so that you don't have to live in fear was freeing. To be honest, I wish this world would hurry up and end so that I can have kids in a perfect new world...if I make it. I want kids, just not like this.

I prayed today that my job applications that are out there will return with fruit. I'm tired of OCI. I need a job that suits my personality and my spirituality. Sitting next to the most cursing-est man in the office kills my peace. I've asked him to curtail, but I don't think he cares. Either that or it's so engrained in him that he doesn't even know the difference. I also don't want to be with a company that doesn't pay its bills or who gives me a paychek that bounces. I'm tired of waiting for my boss to pay the bill so that I can make a phone call. It's quite trifling. Trifling, ghetto, black people trying to get over and make a dollar. Nope. This is not me. I want a 9 to 5 where the people are nice and they do the work that they're supposed to do. Oh and that has a work-life balance culture. Can't forget that.

My sis called me for the first time since our blow out on Tuesday. I texted her the week before and it was tense as it surrounded her Bible study. She called to ask for ideas on venues for a going away party. Like I told my dad, Pooh and I do business well and that's about it. We're two very different people who don't really understand each other. Everyone is praying about our relationship so I know it'll get better. When is the question... I'm supposed to write something to her, but I don't even know what to say. What is there to say?

I watched a couple of dance videos today and got sad. I can only exercise in warm weather. Leaving gyms and studios with perspiration on my person in the winter is a no no for me. I guess I could do my NYCBallet DVD at home. That's what I'll do. I want my flexibility back. Mondays and Wednesdays...

Shopping...I want to but I can't. I'm trying to give a bit more. End of story.

Have a good day everyone.

The Best Love Moments

Do you know where the best love moments are? In perfume and diamond commercials! Especially French commercials. These things make me want to fall in love all over again. One of these makes me want to shed a tear. Guess which one.