A Story

I had a dream the other night. A good one. One of those dreams I didn't want to wake up from. I tried to force myself back into the dream but it didn't work. So I went over the parts that I could remember over and over again in my mind. I didn't want to forget. Here's how it started.

"I signed the divorce papers." 
When he said that, her movements came to a halt and her heart dropped into her stomach. She filed for divorce over 6 months ago. Three months ago, they became friends again. 
"Oh," was all she could manage to say. He continued to place the groceries on the conveyor belt. Her best friend who was behind her and in tune to every shock of panic that radiated from her body, grabbed for her hand and squeezed it. Her soon-to-be ex husband never looked up.

Maybe I'll exercise my brain and finish it one day.

Black vs. White

I've been looking at a lot of photos of black couples lately. I love black love. But as a photographer, you have to watch that kind of stuff, especially if you wish for your portfolio to be published in part or full. I'm not too worried about this being that photography is just a hobby of mine. But even still, should I begin to shoot white people too?

There's an article floating out here about the lack of images of black couples. I agree with it. Other than Gabby & Dwayne, Beyonce & Jay-Z, LaLa & Carmelo and the Obamas, you don't have much. The article then went into interracial dating. If you didn't know, I'm one of those black women who see all these black men with non-black women and feel some kind of way. I perhaps can take seeing it sparsely, here and there. But when I see it in flux, my heart hurts. I guess it's about the realization that this decision that my black men are making is not rare, it's actually very common.

That leads me to something very interesting. My husband is starting to have a thing for white women. (Let's just pause there for a minute. Yeah, go on ahead and cock your head to the side. And then pause some more.) I'm not too sure how to take it because the whole white women crush thing he has going on might be a joke. MIGHT is the operative word. I'm not sure though. My husband plays too much and I'm gullible so you never really know. I'm teetering on the edge about it all though. Some time ago, we were talking about females that we think are beautiful and I named people like Jennifer Lopez, Paula Patton, Zoe Saldana, and Jessica Alba. Hubby pointed out to me that I didn't include any black people in my list. From then on, it's been a running joke that I don't think black people are pretty (which is absolutely false by the way). So just last week, hubby made a joke and said that he's beginning to see things "my way". Ugh. I think I just rolled my eyes. But as the joke continues and I hear his comments about Katy Perry and Taylor Swift, something just doesn't feel right.

It's funny how we have these "black love" photos floating out on the web of us right now. Very ironic. Who my husband perceives as beautiful is very important to me because I want to be beautiful to him.

Video: If We Had Your Eyes - Michelle Williams

Love love love this song.

Our Do Over - A Photo Shoot

Hubby and I had the privilege of modeling for one my favorite photographers, Danielle Finney, for her wedding inspired shoot. As usual, Danielle's photos were incredibly beautiful and captured a look into my husband's and my interactions together. You wouldn't know it from the photo above, but we laughed our hearts out most of the photo shoot just like we do in our daily lives. It was nice to have a 'do over' of sorts where we enjoyed each other without the stress of our actual wedding day. Check out the rest of the photos on the bridal blog Munaluchi.com.

What I'm Made Of

Shannon Evans's blog serves as my shot of inspiration. I don't often term myself as a creative person, even though I am. But when I remember to check out her latest blog posts, she wraps me into a world of creativity that I feel like I belong to. Then I start to feel the passion.

'I am a writer dag on it!'

'I am a photographer!'

'I AM a designer!'

'And I'm good at it!'

As I perused her blog, Shannon rekindled these 'career' notions I've been toying with again. She has a few videos on her blog from an organization called TED whose whole purpose is to spread ideas. It's basically a collection of talks by riveting people whose whole point is to inspire you. I listened to a few of the talks and while they were good, I wasn't exactly inspired to leave my job like Shannon was. It didn't hit me the same way it hit her. Maybe that's because I don't have the same type of hole that Shannon did when she ran out of her office in corporate America and balled her eyes out. Maybe it's been drilled in me that I actually do have a career outside of corporate America that potentially saves people's life's (the ministry). Maybe it's because I like my paycheck. Whatever it is that stopped the inspiration from compelling me to stop over into my manager's office and firmly proclaim 'I resign', I'm going to listen to it. And I'm okay not to feel the same things as Shannon or other people I've known who decided to pursue their passions singularly.

So yes, Shannon inspired me. She inspired me to think, to listen, to feel and to decide. This is not to say that I will always stay satisfied with this corporate America job. More than anything, I believe my situation in life will dictate that satisfaction or lack of. Once I start to feel unsatisfied will be the real test. Will I take hold of the inspiration I get from Shannon and others and DO something about it. I hope to never become unsatisfied though. That way I won't have to find out what I'm really made of.

Career Moves

I love love love how I feel when a e-décor client comes back to me and says "I LOVE EVERYTHING!! It's pretty Jendayi, you did really good!" Ugh. My heart just swells, especially because I spent A LOT, and I mean A LOT, of time and energy on the client's e-design who gave me those rave reviews. I am beyond pleased with this hobby for hire service of mine. If I got rave reviews like this all the time, I might be able to do a little something something with this! This is one of the things that I feel I am 100% good at. 

Check out the latest piece of work that my client so lovingly adored here.

 

jendayiashacreative

I re-designed my professional blog yesterday. I did it off a total whim too. I was supposed to be working on a client's storyboard but got majorly side tracked. All wasn't lost though because I really think I made a major improvement to the site. It's prettier (at least I think so), it's easier to navigate (moved all the major tabs to the top), and it's better organized (no more personal stuff over there, keeping it strictly business). If I do any updates on my house or spill on what's on the to-do list for clients or feel the urge to write a monologue about how my day sucks, I will do so over here. Zuri She Wrote is the place for all that nonsense.

I also found a logo, header, brand identity for myself that I like. The j.a.creative = j.a.design + j.a.photography notion that you see below is sticking with me. I've been using the font in the header for a while on the e-design storyboards I've sent to clients. I actually found it online about a year back and fell in love. The white and gray feel is very much me too. I like the clean feel of it all. HOPEFULLY I won't change my mind anytime soon about all of this because I worked on this thing for about 12 hours. Yep. 12 hours.

I haven't decided though what this all means. Am I going to do push this blog out to the world? Will I advertise my services now?  Do I want more customers? Should I instagram the blog? I know I have the link on my profile page there, but should I do more? Will anyone besides my family and friends and the few readers I have here know about the re-design? (I sure wish I knew how many people read my blog. I have the feeling it's more than I think because of some feedback I've gotten on some occasions.) What's my next move? I know how Alisa feels about this (lol), but I don't know if I'm there yet. You know what my major fear is though? Having two jobs. I'm lazy and a perfectionist at the same time. I don't want to go home from an 8 hour job to have to start up on a design project that I can't finish and put all my energy into. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Crap. I have a report to run. I gotta go. See... This is what I'm talking about. This creative stuff takes time and I can't do both. Well I probably can, but I don't want to. Unless something gives... Gotta go!

Just in Case

The thought has been heavy on my mind.

What if I were able to sustain myself on photography and interior design? What if it would be a dream come true to work for myself? What if that ends up being what's best for my family?

Or will doing photography and interior design full time take away from the enjoyment that I get from it now? I could probably hang tough with interior design. Photography might not be where it's it. I realize I only like photographing people I know. Lol. While on my family reunion, I loved taking photos for my family. No one asked me to, but I knew that they would appreciate the results. And they did. I felt like I made a major contribution to the family that way.

Just in case though, I think I might take my hobbies a bit more seriously. Just in case...

Needed

O.M. to the G. You have NO idea how badly I need this vacation I'm about to embark on. One entire week, on the beach with the people I love the most. My family. I feel like I've been on everyone else's vacation but my own and I'm way past ready to do my own thing the way I like to do it. What I like most about my family reunion is the freedom I get to meander on the beach. I yearn for the beach right now like it's my long lost lover. The beach provides me with a sense of peace and comfort that I can't get from anywhere else. And since peace and comfort are what is lacking most in my life right now, I need him more than ever. Yes, the beach is him. That's my boyfriend for the next few days. I'm going to get lost in him and let him swallow me up. I'm going to let him whisper to me. I'm going to let his thoughts overtake me. I'm going to let him toast me. I'm going to let him love me the way I want to be loved. It's going to be so beautiful. But you know what the best time to be with my boyfriend is? At night. Have you ever connected with the beach at night?! You're just sitting there with the mass of darkness in front of you that you can't quite make out, but you feel it. And you hear it. And you know it's powerful. And it's much grander than you. You respect it and remember how small and inconsequential you are to it. There's nothing like the ocean.

So yes, that's what I'm looking forward to doing. Connecting with my boyfriend. I'm also glad all of my cousins will be together. I'm anxious to hear how everyone is doing. I'm anxious to be around my dad. The most refreshing male ever. My father... He's probably the only man who treats me how I want to be treated. I feel how strongly his heart goes out for me and how badly he wants to see me happy... I love that man. And then I'm anxious to go ATV riding with my fam bam! There's a trail or a course that's called 'down and dirty'. Awwwwwwwwwww yeah. My sisters and I rode ATVs for the first time on our vacation in Mexico and that it was so much fun. I felt so EMPOWERED riding that machine through the back, rough terrain. Woman Hear Me Roar!!! Lol. I saw pics from the 'down and dirty' trail and we are really about to get dirty, as in mudddddddyyyyy. It's going to be so much fun. But not to worry for all my bougie sisters out there (yes I am one of you too!) because I'll counteract all that with the spa later on in the week. =)

Indeed, this vacation is needed. It's coming at a good time. I need to disconnect from the problems at home in this Washington, D.C. area and get back to doing me. When I was single, I was great at channeling peace and doing me. I was so calm and clear back then. I understood everything. I was super reasonable in dealings with other human beings. I could isolate out intentions from mistakes that people (and I) made. Bible principles were easy to practice. Everything just clicked. The difficulties of marriage can cause you to feel wild and confused, so I will work on getting back to that place that I loved. I really loved that about myself when I was single. I took such good care of myself. I was strong and responsible and clear-headed and FUN. I haven't been feeling so strong and fun lately. Actually, I've been feeling very much beat down and drained. So I'm thankful. I'm thankful that this isn't just another vacation. I'm thankful that I NEED this vacation and it's more of a savior to me than just another trip. Thank you Jehovah! 

Oh! One last thing. I've been having SOOOO many dreams about my past lately!!!! I don't know WHAT the heck is going on in my mind but my dreams are really going in on me! It seems like every morning when I wake up, I need to pray and ask Jehovah to get those thoughts and dreams out of my head. My dreams are plaguing me! See why I need to clear my head? T minus 1 day and it's on.

What Now

I'm not going to lie. I'm having a hard time right now in my life. Out of nowhere. It's crazy how one moment, everything can be going well and the next, a volcano erupts that doesn't seem to die down. I feel so weighted and sad. And as a result, I am very stressed out. With all this stress, there's very little chance for me to conceive. I'm starting to feel the tears in my eyes as I'm writing this. Maybe I should just give up. Throw my hands in the air. What's the point? Maybe Jehovah is trying to tell me something.

What now/
I just can't figure it out/
What now/
I guess I'll just wait it out

Solving Problems In Your Marriage

I'm going to frame this article. I HAVE to frame this article. We have come to the determination that this is the ONLY way that Marcus and I can go about solving problems in our marriage. And for re-emphasis, here it is copied and pasted below. Thank you Jehovah for this!

 Keys to Family Happiness

 

Four Steps to Solving Problems

Consider the four steps listed below, and note how Bible principles can help you to solve problems in a loving and respectful manner.

1. Set a time to discuss the issue.

“For everything there is an appointed time, . . . a  time to keep quiet and a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7) As demonstrated in the altercation quoted earlier, some problems may evoke strong emotions. If that happens, have the self-control to call a temporary halt—to “keep quiet”—before tempers flare. You can save your relationship from much damage if you heed the Bible’s advice: “Starting a quarrel is like a leak in a dam, so stop it before a fight breaks out.”—Proverbs 17:14, New Century Version.

However, there is also “a time to speak.” Problems, like weeds, flourish when neglected. So do not ignore the issue, hoping it will just go away. If you call a halt to a discussion, show respect for your mate by picking a time in the near future when you will talk about the problem. Such a promise can help both of you apply the spirit of the Bible’s counsel: “Let the sun not set with you in a provoked state.” (Ephesians 4:26) Of course, you then need to follow through on your promise.

TRY THIS: Pick a regular time each week when you can discuss family problems. If you notice that you are more prone to argue at a certain time of day—for example, when you first arrive home from work or before you have eaten—agree not to discuss problems at those times. Rather, choose a time when you are both likely to be less stressed.

2. Express your opinion honestly and respectfully.

“Speak truth each one of you with his neighbor.” (Ephesians 4:25) If you are married, your closest neighbor is your spouse. So be honest and specific about your feelings when talking to your mate. Margareta, * who has been married for 26 years, says: “When I was newly married, I expected that my husband would just know how I felt when a problem arose. I learned that such an expectation was unrealistic. Now I try to express my thoughts and feelings clearly.”

Remember, your goal when discussing a problem is, not to win a battle or conquer an enemy, but simply to let your mate know your thoughts. To do so effectively, state what you think the problem is, then say when it arises, and then explain how it makes you feel. For example, if you are annoyed by your mate’s untidiness, you can respectfully say, ‘When you come home from work and leave your clothes on the floor [the when and what of the problem], I feel that my efforts to care for the home are not appreciated [explains exactly how you feel].’ Then tactfully suggest what you think would be a solution to the problem.

TRY THIS: To help you have your thoughts clearly in mind before talking to your mate, write down what you understand the problem to be and how you would like to resolve it.

3. Listen to and acknowledge your mate’s feelings.

The disciple James wrote that Christians should be “swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19) Few things cause more unhappiness in a marriage than the impression that your partner does not understand how you feel about a problem. So be determined not to give your mate such an impression!—Matthew 7:12.

Wolfgang, who has been married for 35 years, says, “When we discuss problems, I get kind of tense inside, especially when I feel that my wife doesn’t understand my way of thinking.” Dianna, now married for 20 years, admits, “I often complain to my husband that he doesn’t really listen to me when we discuss problems.” How can you overcome this barrier?

Do not presume that you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. “By  presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom,” states God’s Word. (Proverbs 13:10) Allow your spouse the dignity of expressing his or her opinion without interruption. Then, to ensure that you understood what was said, rephrase what you heard and repeat it to your mate, doing so without sarcasm or aggression. Permit your mate to correct you if you misunderstood something that was said. Do not do all the talking. Take turns in this style of conversation until you both agree that you understand each other’s thoughts and feelings on the matter.

True, it requires humility and patience to listen attentively to your spouse and to acknowledge his or her opinion. But if you take the lead in showing your mate such honor, your mate will be more inclined to honor you.—Matthew 7:2; Romans 12:10.

TRY THIS: When repeating your mate’s comments, do not just parrot his or her exact words. In an empathetic manner, try to describe what you understand your mate is both saying and feeling.—1 Peter 3:8.

4. Agree on a solution.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their hard work. For if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10) Few problems in a marriage can be solved unless both partners work together and support each other.

True, Jehovah appointed the husband as head of the family. (1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:23) But headship does not mean dictatorship. A wise husband will not make arbitrary decisions. David, married for 20 years, says, “I try to find a point of agreement with my wife and look for a decision we both can support.” Tanya, now married for seven years, says: “It isn’t about who is right and who is wrong. Sometimes there are just different opinions on how to solve a problem. I have found that the key to success is to be flexible and reasonable.”

TRY THIS: Create a spirit of teamwork by having both of you write down as many different possible solutions to the problem as you can think of. When you have run out of ideas, review your list and implement the solution that you both agree on. Then pick a time in the near future when you will check whether the decision has been acted on and how successful it has been.

Master Plan

We just came back from our annual spiritual convention. I am spiritually FULL with a lot on my mind. But first, I want to test how I've been doing on my short term goals and maybe add to them.

Short Term Spiritual Goals

• Bible reading – The best time for me to do my scheduled reading for Wednesdays is on the train Monday morning and afternoon. I've been doing ok here. For two weeks straight I got my Bible reading done by way of my train rides, but I have to admit, the week of the convention, I slacked off. I gotta get back on this ASAP.
• Daily Text – Read this every day before I get out of the bed. This has been going extremely well! This one has been easy because the first thing I do in the morning is pick up my phone. So instead of opening email or social media apps, I open to the daily text. I'm happy about accomplishing this goal so far. 
• Daily Bible reading – Utilize my time in the car – listen to audio recordings of the Bible and other spiritual literature (this will help me cut out the poor music choices too!) I did this for a week and I'm actually looking forward to starting up again this week as I start driving to work again tomorrow. 
• Personal Study – This one is hard… I need to schedule this on a day where it’s never interrupted.  Mondays are pretty low key days. I guess I’ll have to tack it on to the end of our Family Worship evening. I need a desk in the living room… This is my first time following through on this goal, hence me blogging on a Monday night. I've been having this nagging issue on my mind that I was able to work out through some research a little while ago. I actually prayed that Jehovah would help me find the answer to my nagging question and the first thing I looked up and read answered my question! Well how about that?! I guess testing Jehovah out is not such a bad idea after all. That definitely boosted my faith. This personal studying thing might really work!
• Use the fast forward button on the remote. Do not order any Rated R movies on Netflix. Instead of listening to certain music, listen to Bible literature in the car. Guess what? I've gone 4 day straight without tv! Granted, I was away at a spiritual convention, but there was plenty of time to turn on the tv while preparing for bed and preparing to attend the convention in the mornings. But I forced myself not to touch the remote. To be 100% honest though, I turned on the tv today (the 4th day), but it was to watch the new DVD release that we received at the convention. So that doesn't count. It was strictly for spiritual purposes. Nevertheless, I figured that if I get out of the routine of turning on the tv everyday, my goal can be easier to reach.

Now for new lessons learned and new goals…

The last speaker of the convention said something that resonated in my gut. He said this about our every day distractions. I didn't get the first part of what he said but I got this. "...inability to hear God's voice with all the background noise in our life." That half statement immediately stood out to me. It has a lot to do with what I was feeling and thinking in my last blog post. I want to hear God's voice, I want to do what's right, but there's just so much dag on background noise and distractions that I can't hear Him. I can't hear Him over my tv shows, the music on the radio, the gossip blogs, the pleasures of life and even my own laziness. Those are my distractions. So what am I going to do about them? 

Well I have a plan in place for tv and music, but I'm also interested in cutting down my list of recorded shows. That'll help a ton. Maybe I'll stop recording 'Mad Men' or 'La La's Full Court Life' or 'The Haves and Have Nots'. I need to go through the list and see what I can do there. The music part is going to be a challenge because I'm not the only one with speakers in this house. Not sure what to do there other than be picky about my own choices. I just need to try hard not to get sucked back in while hearing the other stuff. 

Gossip blogs - I only look at these when I'm bored so that means I need a substitute 'go-to'. I guess that should be my daily Bible reading. Instead of going to my phone's bookmarks and tapping on theYBF, I should tap on that Bible app I have… I just took a second and rearranged my apps on my phone. Bible app is on the first page at the top. Subtle reminder not to go any further. All my social media apps are on the second page. If that still doesn't help me get it together, I may have to let some accounts go. I'm not choosing social media over daily Bible reading and personal study. If I can't get the important things done in my spiritual routine, then I don't have time for social media. At least that's what we learned this weekend!

Laziness - I think I'm combatting this with some of the things I've laid out so far. 

But more on that later once I've tried out a couple of these ideas, goals and lessons. If laziness ends up being bigger than I think, I'll revisit and devise a master plan.

This planning is making me sleepy. Night world.

Spiritual Goals

I know I’ve been missing in action. But it’s not my fault. I can’t blog on these dag on work computers. Every time I try, there’s this weird error that pops up on my screen that I can click past, but it keeps popping up. It’s so annoying. So today, I’m writing in Microsoft Word. I think I can copy, paste and save this into the blog before the error comes up.

You know what’s on my mind a lot? My sucky spirituality. [insert stank face here] Goodness my spirituality sucks right now. I have so much freakin crap to work on! You know what my main problem is right now? Entertainment. I am having THE HARDEST time with what I take in. And it’s not that what I watch or listen to has gotten any worse than it’s always been. I’ve always watched the same tv shows and listened to the same music. What has changed is the fact that I have a 20 year old Bible student. Do you know how hard it is to preach being obedient to God when you’re not doing yourself?! Talk about A GUILTY HYPOCRITE. You should have seen me last week. We were sitting there talking about how fornication and adultery, things Jehovah hates, should not be among the things we ingest with our senses.  And then we go further into it by talking about how we need to be careful of our association as it relates to entertainment because we get connected to these characters. They become our friends and we root for them! And then I start talking about how much I like Gabrielle Union’s ‘Being Mary Jane’ character because I understand her and how it’s a clean show and……………………………… Why did my voice trail off just like those ellipses (yes, I did just look up that terminology)? All of a sudden, flashes of her sexscipade with dude number 1 ran through my mind. Her bare booty sticking out… The implied image of her having sex with dude number 2 not even a week later… Dag nabbit! My study could tell that I was renigging because she started to laugh at me. And then why did she say that next week, we’ll come together and see if we made any changes. DAG NABBIT! See this is why I don’t like to tell people what I watch or what I listen to. I don’t need this kind of pressure to do right! Lol.

You know what’s on my mind a lot? My sucky spirituality. [insert stank face here] Goodness my spirituality sucks right now. I have so much freakin crap to work on! You know what my main problem is right now? Entertainment. I am having THE HARDEST time with what I take in. And it’s not that what I watch or listen to has gotten any worse than it’s always been. I’ve always watched the same tv shows and listened to the same music. What has changed is the fact that I have a 20 year old Bible student. Do you know how hard it is to preach being obedient to God when you’re not doing yourself?! Talk about A GUILTY HYPOCRITE. You should have seen me last week. We were sitting there talking about how fornication and adultery, things Jehovah hates, should not be among the things we ingest with our senses.  And then we go further into it by talking about how we need to be careful of our association as it relates to entertainment because we get connected to these characters. They become our friends and we root for them! And then I start talking about how much I like Gabrielle Union’s ‘Being Mary Jane’ character because I understand her and how it’s a clean show and……………………………… Why did my voice trail off just like those ellipses (yes, I did just look up that terminology)? All of a sudden, flashes of her sexscipade with dude number 1 ran through my mind. Her bare booty sticking out… The implied image of her having sex with dude number 2 not even a week later… Dag nabbit! My study could tell that I was renigging because she started to laugh at me. And then why did she say that next week, we’ll come together and see if we made any changes. DAG NABBIT! See this is why I don’t like to tell people what I watch or what I listen to. I don’t need this kind of pressure to do right! Lol.

Yeah so that’s why I think my spirituality sucks. It’s not just entertainment though. It’s all around just wack. My thought patterns, my lack of energy and zeal, my failure to do personal study and Bible reading. I remember the days when I used to be so on point. I was so inspired and energetic and strong. Love and Hip Hop…oh they cursing and fighting? Naw. Rated R movies… Naw. Strip club songs… Naw. And then slowly but surely…FAIL, FAIL and FAIL. Sigh. It’s hard when you come from doing so well to doing so poorly all the while trying to teach someone to be on top of their game. And it’s not just about my Bible study. I’m pretty sure that my God’s feelings on the matter should be a factor as well. What are the chances He wouldn’t mind me listening to and singing ‘Strip clubs and dolla bills…Patron shots, can I get a refill…Stippers going up and down that pole…’?

I feel stuck. How do you just stop? How do you go cold turkey? Hmm… I think I need to start by using my fast forward button a bit more. I’m sure if I was doing some personal study and reading my Bible on a daily basis like I’m supposed to, this wouldn’t be that difficult. But right now, it is what it is. But since I can’t let it stay how it is, here’s the plan.

Short Term Spiritual Goals

• Bible reading – The best time for me to do my scheduled reading for Wednesdays is on the train Monday morning and afternoon.
• Daily Text – Read this every day before I get out of the bed.
• Daily Bible reading – Utilize my time in the car – listen to audio recordings of the Bible and other spiritual literature (this will help me cut out the poor music choices too!)
• Personal Study – This one is hard… I need to schedule this on a day where it’s never interrupted.  Mondays are pretty low key days. I guess I’ll have to tack it on to the end of our Family Worship evening. I need a desk in the living room…
• Use the fast forward button on the remote. Do not order any Rated R movies on Netflix. Instead of listening to certain music, listen to Bible literature in the car.

So this should help with putting more clean and god-approved words, images and thoughts in my head. Now if I can manage to stick to it…! That’s the challenge. We’ll see how this goes.

Time Flies

Wow. Time certainly flies doesn't it? It's been 3 weeks since I blogged last. Summer is already here. And half of the year is already pretty much over. I feel like I need to catch up before I get left behind. Speaking of catching up, here's an update on life.

Love
My marriage hasn't been this good since my first month of marriage. You know what he said to me this weekend? We were relaxing in bed. I was on my iPad searching for a special something (more on that to come!), and he was laying there watching me. Out of the blue he says, 'You're so cute.' Since I had my bonnet on my head, I turned to look at him with disbelief in my eyes, but then he went on to mention that he really likes me and plays with me so much because of how much he enjoys me. If you know my husband, you know how much of a joker he is, so to be the object of his jokes I guess is a good thing. Nevertheless, it was so nice to hear him express himself out of the blue. I live for moments like that.

Right now, he's in the man cave with 4 or 5 other guys who kind of invited themselves over at the last minute. Game 7 must be entertaining because I can hear them all the way up here in my bedroom. I'm glad hubby is having fun though. As time has progressed, I care more about him smiling and having fun and being happy than I used to. One can either look at that as a terrible thing, or a good thing. I choose the latter.

Girlfriends
I've only had one girlfriend who I talked to almost every single day. I was her person and she was mine. I miss that a bit. I have a great group of girls to hang out with and talk to if needed, but it doesn't go much farther. And I'm ok with that for now. I had a great double date with a new couple on Friday. It's interesting to watch a budding romance as a married person. You have so many suggestions and ideas and cautions to give. At the same time, by watching the new couple, you get to remember your courtship days. Besides all that though, I had a really good time. We dived into a few good conversations that allowed us to all show each other who we really are. I love stuff like that. Not to mention that the weather was perfect. I haven't gone to a rooftop lounge in a long time… since days in LA in fact. Looking out over the DC landscape was nice. I want to do more things like that with people. Eat, talk, have deep conversation, laugh. Sometimes I wish I had my person that made me her person so I could do that all the time without having to call someone up and ask them, but it's all good. Sometimes you have to put the work in and I'm not going to be lazy about it.

Family
Sis and brother-in-law are good. They are studying the Bible together with another spiritually mature couple. Loving that. The couple that they're studying with visited DC over Memorial weekend so hubby and I got to meet them. I think they are all a good fit for each other. I'm excited to see where the studies take my family. Mom and Dad are good too. Same ole with them. My mom calls me every day it seems. Dad is still as chipper and happy as he's always been. My in-laws are all doing well. They have teenage son issues, but what family with a teenage son doesn't?

Spirituality
If I had to rate my zeal right now, it would be a 7 with 10 being the highest and 1 the lowest. We had a public talk recently about whether your heart goes out in the ministry with you whenever you do field service. I thought that was interesting because I'm not sure mine does. So I want to work on that. I'm still very consistent in my commenting and my preparation. My Bible reading isn't that great though. In family worship tonight, hubby and I did the Bible reading for the week together. That was nice. We put in our applications for the Regional Building Committee a few weeks back. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. The idea of building Kingdom Halls and Assembly Halls is cool. Especially since I love interior design. Hopefully I'll get to help out with something like that.

Car
Can I just say that I love my car?! I had to drive out to Reston, VA today for a meeting and the drive was so much more enjoyable simply because of my car. I was thinking about my love for my car as I was breezing down George Washington Memorial Parkway. I haven't felt this good about a choice in a long time.

Career
Meh. It's there. I have a job. I get paid on time. The end.

Future
Here's what I'm looking forward to.
1. Visiting Hampton this weekend, seeing hubby's dad and my preggers amiga and of course, doing some outlet shopping which I really saved for this time! No credit cards.
2. The convention. I think we're getting a new Bible or something. There have been plenty of clues/hints leading me to this conclusion. I mean why else can no one order a Bible anymore at the literature counter?
3. My family reunion. I have $72 more to pay and then I'm free. A week long vacation on the beach with all of my family can't come soon enough. I think this is the first year that every single person will be there too. All of the cousins, the grand babies…everyone.

I think that's a sufficient update, don't you?

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I haven't blogged in a while
I feel like I've been away somewhere
But I haven't
I'm extremely antsy
I can't seem to settle down
I notice it when I'm trying to find something to listen to in the car
Station change
Nope
Station change
Nope
Station change
I don't want to hear that
There doesn't seem to be anything happening on the radio
Nothing intriguing
Or maybe I'm just bored
Either way, I'm antsy
I miss Jennifer
I was talking to my mom about girlfriends
And I've learned that my definition of a friend...
...is one who will never talk bad about you.
I have a nice group of girls that I hang out with
But only a few of them would never talk bad about me
I don't think there's anything particularly bad to say about me though
I try not to get on anyone's nerves
Or be shady
Or act big headed
Or be untrustworthy
But Jennifer
She would never bad mouth me to someone else
Or talk about me behind my back
That's a true friend
She's too far away
I haven't been back to LA since the day I said goodbye
It's been way too long
I have work to do that I don't want to do
An ad hoc analysis that is so messy I could care less anymore
The data to start with was messy
So nothing ties
But oh well
They should collect better data next time
I have a photo shoot coming up
Not a picture taking one
But one where I am the subject
I'm excited about it
MJ is in it too
I enjoy taking fully produced shoots with my partner
I haven't been eating much
Having $10 to my name makes that a reality
I get paid tomorrow though so the forced-upon-me-fast will be over
Being sick last week didn't help either
No dairy
Ugh
I miss cereal and yogurt
And that seem to be all that we have in the house
I'm addicted to salt
These pretzel rods that they bought for the office kitchen
Gosh
I look at them like a full meal at Olive Garden
That's my favorite chain restaurant by the way
What else is up?
I'm bored
I need a trip or something
Gotta check and see what Living Social and Groupon have
I've been married for 3 years now
Seems like nothing number wise
The legite number is 5
After 5, then I think I'll won't feel like a newbie anymore
Sometimes I trip out about the fact that I am going to be with him...
...for the rest of my life.
God willing, that's a lot of years
With the same person
Oh well though
What's going on for Memorial Day weekend?
I have not ner plan
Well there's a bridal shower
But what a perfect time to go to the beach
Let me get on this living social app
I needs some excitement in my life

Juice Fast

Hey peoples.

Hubby and I just finished a 3 day juice fast. What an experience! Who knew that 3 days could last so long!? Lol. It was very interesting to feel how devastated your body gets once it realizes that you are trying to clean it out. Day 2 was the worst for me. I had the worst headache that I've ever had. We learned through research that when you go through pains/headaches, it's because the toxins in your system are trying to escape your body. Hubby thinks my toxins are related to the amounts of salt that I take in. He's probably right since I eat a lot of Lean Cuisine tv dinners for lunch at work. They just happen to be on sale all the time at CVS! And I love the sweet and sour chicken one! Between Lean Cuisines, White Castle cheeseburgers and Digorno pizzas, I spend $20 on lunch for TWO WEEKS. I know I know...The savings do not make up for the fact that I have to do better. Hence I will.

The worst day for hubby was day 3 (yesterday). He had to leave work early because he had no more juice left at work and was getting a headache. If how he felt was anything like how I felt, there was no way he could sit there for 4 more hours and make it. Yesterday was great for me. I felt so clear and clean! I wasn't even hungry. My mind wanted food more so than my body did. Knowing that my fast was coming to an end, I couldn't mentally understand the difference between eating on Wednesday night as opposed to Thursday morning like I was supposed to do. Fasting is truly more of a mental exercise than it is a physical one. That mind is a strong organism man!

What we've learned is that we need to be more careful about what we put into our bodies...the salt, the caffeine, the sugar, the non-essential fat, etc. And since we did it together, we also grew closer. The feeling of making a huge life change together was uniting. I'm looking forward to incorporating juicing into our normal lifestyle (especially because we have nothing but shelves of veggies in our fridge now). Since we don't eat veggies like we should, the spinach/kale/lettuce juices we made will be essential to our diets going forward. I'm excited about this new healthy lifestyle we're embarking on. I'm more excited about the possibility of less ailments in my house. Hubby's headaches have GOT to go. If I were to do anything different, it would have been to continue our fast 2 days longer. I heard that the 4th and 5th days are amazing. The energy levels, the lack of ailments that you had before, the refreshing feeling... I'm interested to experience that and to see what it does for hubby since he gets sick so often. And perhaps we shouldn't have broken our fast with a slice of pizza. lol. The pizza wasn't even all that good either! Womp.

Anyway, I'm in a good mood, my body feels good and I'm excited about our progress. Let's pray we can keep this momentum going!

Defining Success

You know what? I had to take a moment and blog this. I'm having an aha moment. I've been doing some recreational reading lately and there are a bunch thoughts I've come across that are hitting me. This is one of them....

This is what I wanted. When I was praying and dreaming about a successful life, this is what I prayed for. So I'm glad to take the moment to reflect back on what I asked for and to see that I really do have exactly that. A good marriage, a beautiful house, an approved relationship with Jehovah, a comfortable financial standing and more. I know that I get so focused on what's not right and where I need to be that I don't appreciate the here and now. I'm sure that if the person I was 5 years ago was looking at me right now, she'd be happy. So here I am being happy for the here and now. I've worked hard to attain to my goals and have traveled on a wild journey to get here. A journey I don't regret... It was all worth it because I've created the life that I want for myself and couldn't be more proud.

Do The Work

I took the day off today. When I woke up this morning, I had that familiar feeling. The feeling of disdain when thinking of another day of work. It's been over a year since I've been at my job and up until recently, I've enjoyed it. For the most part. But these past couple of weeks have been trying. I've experienced what I call 'work dread' in past jobs and it's not the business. 'Work dread' consumes your life. You spend weekends living it up way past the point that you should all to mask the eventuality of 5 days of prison. So I've made a decision. I'm going to do the work and fortify myself. I'm going to make the decision to not have that old experience again.

So I'm revisiting a book by Amy DuBois Barnett that had a profound effect on me in my 20's. While I'm in a different place in my life now, I can probably pull some quotes out of it that'll help me. Like this one...

"We don't appreciate the good things we may already have and we certainly don't value the experience of adversity and the strength it gives us to make the life we truly want." ~ Two things... My job is a good thing. It's a blessing. I'm financially comfortable and appreciate that. Secondly, the adversity that I'm going through right now is only going to make me stronger. Maybe I'm learning tools that'll help me to be a good wife or mother. I should always look at the adversity and say 'what can you learn out of this?'

"For the first time in my life, I was truly happy because I'd created this life for myself." My sis Tiff has been posting thoughts like this on instagram lately and it's forced me to think. Happiness is a choice. It's a unilateral choice. No one can help you be happy and no one can force you to be unhappy. My manager cannot force me to be unhappy. I have to create my own happiness.

"When you fall in love with who you really are, it's that much easier to be you, always." This isn't work related. Just something that strikes me and is worth typing out. I think I was at my best when I lived in LA. It wasn't so much the location as it was the space I was in. I was learning, growing, understanding, and defining myself.

"Living a full life is actually experiencing the entire range of emotions we have...being able to understand challenges as experiences in one long adventure will change your whole attitude." This is a good one. If you understand the challenge as that, then you can also understand the positives.

"Learn from others' successes and failures." This is under the subheading Stop Comparing Yourself To Others. I think this will help me with my manager. He's a bit of an overachiever which means that sometimes the work he has me do is over and above. I'm a numbers person and if you know anything about math, engineering and technical people, you know that we look for shortcuts. We're lazy. We try to complete a task with the least amount of steps. So my manager frustrates me when he asks me to do things that I feel are unnecessary. But I need not focus on that. The fact of the matter is that he's a smart guy who leaves no leaf unturned. He is more thorough than anyone I've ever met. I can learn from that. I need to learn from that. There's no problem with stretching myself a little bit more.

Ok, I think that's enough. I'm going to keep reading but I'm done with typing. I'm all about doing the work today...

There's A Difference - What You Feel and What's Real

As I sit here in the living room with my husband and sister on a Saturday, I recognize how important family is. I have a really great bunch of people in my life. All people who love me and put effort into the relationships they have with me. It makes me think about the past month or so and the number of different things I've been through with my family and have decided write about here in my little space of the Internet.

When I have the sudden urge to write about my feelings, I'm mostly writing from an emotional place. The feelings are raw. They aren't well thought out and they aren't necessarily what's true. It reminds me of a quote from the movie 'ATL'. After the drama went down with T.I.'s girlfriend, T.I. had a little bit of an attitude problem. His uncle came to him though, and said something that's stuck with me. "I want you to recognize the difference between what you feel and what's real."

I've been writing a lot lately about my feelings. And that's exactly what they are. After a few days the sometimes PMS, sometimes emotional, sometimes insane feelings dissipate. They are in fact always temporary... until the next emotional occurrence.

So here's what's real. I have a good life. I am healthy. I have a good relationship with Jehovah. I have no major problems. I have a really good husband who wants to love me like Christ loves the congregation. I honestly am very blessed and love these people sitting here in this living room more than words can express. Because of my emotions, I might make things out to be worse than they are, which I really need to stop. When I'm in the middle of a tough spot, I need to remember the difference between how I feel and what's real.

Music and Cars

Morning! Check out my new post on my creative blog. I did my first photo shoot since Tiff's bridal shower and it went fantastic! Woohoo!

So I have a lot on my mind. Nothing bad. I just feel like talking and I haven't really been able to blog like I want to. For some reason, every time I try to blog at work in my 10 minutes of down time, I get this proxy notice that irrates the mess out of me. So today, I'm trying this from a different browser. Blogger doesn't support this browser though, so we'll see if this actually posts.

Anyway, did I mention that I got a new car? This is actually an important milestone in my life I feel. My now retired charcoal Mazda was my first baby. I loved that car. It did me so well and was right there by my side for so many experiences. Missy the Mazda rode with me through my years in Cali, was parked for a year while I lived in NY, and then carried me through my return to DC. I cried in Missy, I laughed in Missy, I had make out sessions in Missy, I partied in Missy. The time came, however, to let her go. *moment of silence* I was actually quite ready to part ways with her. I felt like she wasn't quite on my level anymore with the amount of bumps and bruises she had on her. Not to mention, her technology parts weren't sufficient for today's day and age. So now, I have a new Missy. Missy 2.0. A white, top of the line, fully loaded Kia Optima. I'm in LOVE with her. She is so beautiful I can't stand it. Getting exactly what I wanted in this car was very important to me. You see, I feel like I've always been the one to settle... on engagement rings (my ex, not my husband), on jobs, on apartments... so I wanted to make this car decision without any outside influence. I'm at an age now and have a career where I can afford not to settle. I'm too old to settle. So Missy 2.0 is very important for me for that reason. It's the first big decision I've made that's totally for myself that I did not settle on. And it feels good. I'm grown y'all!

I've been thinking about music a lot lately. The type of music I listen to... The upcoming concerts that I'll be attending... Yesterday's daily text mentioned that we have to abhor what is wicked and apply that principle to our choices of entertainment. It said, "Not all forms of entertainment center on practices that are expressly condemned in God’s Word. In such cases, before choosing the entertainment, we should carefully compare the activity with Jehovah’s view of what is wholesome, as expressed in Bible principles." Now, lately Rihanna and Beyonce have made me very uncomfortable in this area, which is why I'm kinda having second thoughts about these concert tickets that I bought. Rihanna more than Beyonce. For Beyonce, I'm not quite sure how this is going to play out. I feel like this "Bow Down/I Be On" song is just for giggles. Perhaps she just needed to get that one out. Perhaps she knows better than to include that on her album and even worse perform it in concert. I'm not trying to be at her show while she's yelling 'bow down b$*@#'. First of all, don't call me a witch with a b, and secondly, bow down? Huh? And then there's Rihanna. Chile... I had to stop following her on instagram. I think the chick has lost her mind. She is so nasty, raunchy and funky it's not even funny. The chick looks dirty. There's no way I could ever roll with her. So I kinda regret the Rihanna ticket buy. But I'm going with a friend all the way to Revel in NJ, so... I don't know how I'ma get outta that one. Beyonce, I'll suck it up for now and keep a close eye on her. Her next moves will determine a lot.

But anyway, I took hubby to see Questlove DJ at the Howard Theatre on Saturday. My first Questlove experience with Jenn out in LA changed my life. So I had to see him again. I realized my absolute obsession and passion for soul/neo-soul/hip hop. Not the hip hop that you hear on the radio. Not the Kanye's and the Jeezy's and the Jay-Z's. I'm talking about the Camp Lo's, the J. Dilla's and the Little Brother's. The music is so soul piercing! It hits me in a place I can't describe. I almost feel myself getting high off the sounds. It's simply amazing. I am definitely an undergound music lover. A soul lover. Give me the Rahsaan's, the Chico Debarge's, the Foreign Exchange's and the Van Hunt's all day long please. When I look back at the years of blog posts on here, I seem to post this paragraph about music once a year. I love all types of music, but I keep coming back here. If I had to listen to only one genre of music for the rest of my life, I guess this would be it. Reggae comes in a close second place.

Well, work is calling my name. I sent out the sales reps' commissions yesterday and they are emailing me back telling me that this is missing and that is missing. They keep an eye on their MoNEy!

Ciao!