Manage

I feel like there's a tornado swirling somewhere close to me. Close enough that all the wind, rain, dust and debris is affecting my visibility. I'm even getting hit my some of it. I have cuts and bruises, scrapes and some lashes. It's rough out here.

You know how you know you should pray, but you don't even know what to pray for. That's my current situation. I wonder if it's normal for someone to deal with so much stuff at work and still be strong.

My job situation is heavy in so many ways. Not only is the work heavy but the politics are so muddy that I feel like I'm standing in quick sand. I don't understand what's going on. My family members and friends tell me what's going on. I know factually what's going on. But even though I hear everyone and agree, I still can't see past the quick sand. My co-worker gets a promotion and she's excited. Boss asked me if I wanted a promotion and I'm torn. I have a conflict that other people don't have. I have to think with two sides of my brain. The one everyone in this office thinks with and the one that no one in this office has - a spiritual mindset. I know it's not fair to say because I don't know everyone else's life, but my life is so much more complex than theirs! I just know it! Bump not being fair. Their life issues are temporary. They affect the here and now which won't be around too much longer. My issues affect the here and now and forever!

So with my work situation feeding into my spiritual situation, I naturally start thinking, 'why am I doing this? why spend my time dealing with politics and toil when we're so close to the end? there's something else so important, that i could be doing with my time!' Pioneering, auxiliary pioneering, part-time work, quitting altogether, immersing myself in life-saving work, moving to a place where the need is greater, sharing spiritual goals with my life partner...

And then there's that. Sharing spiritual goals with my life partner or not. My life partner loves his job, he loves living where we live, he doesn't have the circumstances to pioneer. So do I do this alone? Does that mean I can never serve where the need is great? Should I just stay still and push through the politics and toil? Should I do what I don't want to do?

I'm so overwhelmed with this life I have. I'm standing at a fork in the road. Such a pivotal place in life. So close to the end. I want to make the right decision. I don't want to stand in quick sand. I don't want to do this secular type work anymore. I want to be free of corporate America and do what I've been commanded to do by the superior authority. How do I go with what my gut is telling me and not be selfish in my marriage? I feel like I'm losing air and I'm trying to survive. I'm an all or nothing type and I can't apologize for that. I can't be forced into thinking that there's fault in an all or nothing personality. I like to jump in with both feet and take challenges head on. That's just who I am.

So while I have one foot stuck in concrete and the other out the door, how do I manage?

I keep giving these Bible studies as if I have it all together. I need someone. I need a support. I need someone to give me what I give to others. A spiritual mom. I need someone.

Hell Yeah

don't it seem like every time you try and progress
something's always holding you back
waiting on line for my piece of the pie
but there's none left

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

when will all this senseless violence end
when will it be safe for people to live again
tax the poor almost half to death while the rich live lavish
we're just dying to live

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

I know a place where ain't nobody crying
I'll take you there
I know a place where ain't nobody dying
I'll take you there

- Stacy Barthe

This song is so real to me. The Devil is surely all in the way. But Jehovah is testing my spiritual fitness and using the one closest to me to do it. I couldn't be more in need of a place and time where there are no more tears and pain. I just need to hold on while walking in this selfish, cruel, disgusting world. I hate the influence it has on my family. Jehovah wants me to win and has confidence in me, so I will pray for Him to help me hold on.

My Truth

I know something about myself. If my job is stressful, my whole life is stressful. When my job is overwhelming, my life is overwhelming. When things are tough on the job, I can't think and there is no peace. It plays that much of a role in my life. My job affects me in a manner far more than I wish it to. That's just the way it works for me. And it's understandable being that I spend more time at work than at home. The majority of my days alive are spent on the job... When I think about that last sentence I just typed, I feel disgusted because this was not the way our lives were intended to be. Our only 'job' is supposed to be living in Jehovah's wonderful creation, subjecting creatures of the land to ourselves, and procreating. That's it.

But since imperfection prevails and our original purpose has been thwarted by sin, I need to figure out what to do. What truly makes me happy has nothing to do with work. Going to the theatre, listening to music, being outside in the sun, writing while laying in the grass, capturing beauty with a camera lens, exploring new destinations, learning about new ways of thinking, making things look lovely... That what makes me happy. How to translate that into a job that doesn't stress me out, that allows flexibility, allows me to experience something new everyday, and that provides me with enough income seems impossible. The idea of looking for another job that fits me...Ugh. Stressful. I truly believe it doesn't exist. I've had this same conversation with myself for 10 years now. I've had this same battle for TEN whole years. A DECADE. And as a result, I've bounced around from job to job in pursuit of something that I can't find.

I think I'm a flower child at heart but a corporate woman by mind. What I want most out of life is peace. I love beauty and breezes. I am attracted to the sun and happy faces. But what I've been engineered to do is manage projects, run meetings and administer systems. What really sucks about the whole thing is how well I play the corporate woman role. I play it so well in fact that managers and executives see it and push me harder until I get deeper and deeper into the web. It would all be so much easier if I sucked at my job.

I'm afraid of not having enough money. As frivolous and material as that sounds... That's why I'm afraid to pursue anything drastically different than what I'm doing right now. That's why I'm afraid to pursue what makes me happy. I've been tight with money and it is not the business. I haven't had those kinds of money issues in a while and I will admit that I'm extremely spoiled. I don't want to struggle financially. If I want a $300 dress for the assembly, then that's what I want. I'm entitled to that. ESPECIALLY after how hard I work. If I work a job that I enjoy, I find it hard to believe I'll even have $300 to buy a dress.

Some say that it's possible, but I don't believe them. I'll have to start out at the bottom all over again.

My current job is for someone who wants to climb the corporate ladder. It's for someone who wants to be seen. It's for someone who wants to be in the corporate "in" crowd. It's for someone whose life is their job.

I don't believe I should take the promotion. Yep. That's where this is leading me to. I think I'm finally coming into some clarity.

Finally.

Update: My mom read my blog and reminded me of this quote from the movie After Earth with Will Smith. “Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Now... how to actually incorporate this into my truth...Gotta mull that one over.

Therapist

I feel like I'm losing control of my life. The stress and weight of everything is unsurmountable.

My job is... sigh. It's so heavy I have trouble putting it into words. Overwhelming, stressful, taken advantage of, catch 22, in between a rock and a hard place, political, b.s., they-think-I'm-stupid. That's what comes to mind. Have you ever heard of a manager who says that he wants to give someone a promotion and then tells them to go and design it all under the guise of 'needing help'? I feel like I'm being carried. I need to talk to Ms. Cheryl. Because I don't know what to do.

How do I keep all of this in line and checked against my spiritual obligations? That's not something Ms. Cheryl can help me with.

Financially, I'm overwhelmed.

Marriage wise, I'm just... It's just not a good time for any hiccups there. I don't have the energy. I can't take another stress load.

I'm going to crack soon. I need to talk to a therapist. There is too much on my back.

My Eyes Well Up

Today, I told my 18 year old grandson that nobody asked me to prom when I was in high school, so I didn’t attend. He showed up at my house this evening dressed in a tuxedo and took me as his date to his prom.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O- blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin brother has O- blood. I explained to him that it was a matter of life and death. He sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to his parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took his blood and he asked, “So when will I die?” He thought he was giving his life for hers. Thankfully, they’ll both be fine.

Today, my 21 year old Labrador can barely stand up, can’t see, can’t hear, and doesn’t have enough strength to bark. But it doesn’t stop her from wagging her tail a mile a minute every single time I walk into the room.

Today, after I heard that my mom stayed home from work with the flu, I stopped by Wal-Mart on my way home from school to pick her up some canned soup. I ran into my dad who was already in the check-out line. He had 5 cans of soup, NyQuil, tissues, tampons, 4 romantic comedy DVDs and a bouquet of flowers. My dad makes me smile.

Today, my 75-year-old grandpa who has been blind from cataracts for almost 15 years said to me, “Your grandma is just the most beautiful thing, isn’t she?” I paused for a second and said, “Yes she is. I bet you miss seeing that beauty on a daily basis.” “Sweety,” my grandpa said, “I still see her beauty every day. In fact, I see it more now than I used to when we were young.”

source

Questions

Hubby and I have found that our conversations are rudimentary. They are not particularly interesting, deep or inspiring. We talk about work, our dog, what's on the calendar, and when we need to schedule a cleaning day. So in an effort to expand our conversations, we've googled 'thought provoking questions'. In my search, I found this link to be very enlightening in more ways than one. I love these questions for us and for myself so I'm sharing. Here are the first 10. As you answer, check and see if you find anything interesting about yourself.

1. When was the last time you tried something new?
2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?
3. What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
4. What gets you excited about life?
5. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
6. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
7. Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
8. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?
9. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree?
10. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

Proverbs 31

Who can find a capable wife?
Her value is far more than that of corals.
Her husband trusts her from his heart, And he lacks nothing of value.  
She rewards him with good, not bad, All the days of her life.  
She obtains wool and linen; She delights to work with her hands. 
She is like the ships of a merchant,
Bringing her food in from afar.  
She also rises while it is still night, Providing food for her household And portions for her female servants. 
She sets her mind on a field and buys it; She plants a vineyard from her own labors. 
She prepares herself for hard work,
And she strengthens her arms.  
She sees that her trading is profitable; Her lamp does not go out at night.  
Her hands seize the distaff, And her hands take hold of the spindle. 
She extends her palm to the lowly one, And she opens her hands to the poor. 
She does not worry about her household because of the snow, For her whole household is clothed in warm garments.  
She makes her own bed covers.  
Her clothing is of linen and purple wool.  
Her husband is well-known in the city gates,
Where he sits among the elders of the land.  
She makes and sells linen garments
And supplies belts to the merchants.  
She is clothed with strength and splendor, And she looks to the future with confidence. 
She opens her mouth in wisdom;
The law of kindness is on her tongue.  
She watches over the activity of her household, And the bread of laziness she does not eat. 
Her children rise up and declare her happy; Her husband rises up and praises her.  
There are many capable women, But you—you surpass them all.  
Charm may be false, and beauty may be fleeting,
But the woman who fears Jehovah will be praised. 
Give her the reward for what she does,
And let her works praise her in the city gates.

Burden

It's times like this that I miss California. If I were back on the west coast, my day would go something like this.

Go to work in semi warm weather, come home for lunch for a 30 minute nap, go back to work for a few more hours, get off at 4. I'd go home, change my clothes and grab either a blanket or a beach towel. Depending on the intensity of sun, I'd choose a peaceful afternoon in the park by my house with a book and my headphones or an afternoon of tanning at the beach 10 minutes from my studio.

What I'm feigning for right now is that beach scene. The sounds of the beach and the ocean, the chance to rest and think. The smell of saltwater. The glistening of the sun on the blue abyss.

I don't know what is happening in my life right now, but I am insanely, tear jerkingly exhausted. Really, I could cry. But it might not be that bad if all I was was tired. My schedule is a struggle. You ever seen a machine in a factory that just goes up and down over and over again and pounds repeatedly on the object below it? And it never stops? The stress it exerts on the item below it never weakens? The force and mass of weight it carries is enormous? That's how my schedule is. It never lessens. The pounding doesn't quiet down. The weight never decreases.

There's always a burden on me. I'm always concerned about him. My thoughts are always pushing me to keep going for him. What is he going to eat? If I don't meal plan and think grocery shopping through, he's going to eat junk and be unhealthy. Did I do enough laundry for him? If he sees me sitting/watching tv/trying to take a moment, is he feeling some kind of way about what I'm NOT doing and what hasn't been done. I hate to say this as well, but I'm always concerned about HIM as well. Any moment of free time I have at work needs to be for studying. At 6pm everyday, I need to stop and read the Bible. Bible studies need to be prepared for. Bible studies need to be had.

I have absolutely no time for me. Got a stack of magazine I would like to browse. Can't. Got chipped polish on my nails I need to change. Can't. Want to catch up on shows without feeling guilty. Can't. Need a quiet minute without worrying about what my dog is chewing on. Nope. Would like to organize my closet. Sorry. I'm interested in going to see a foreign film. Too tired. The art that's sitting on my bench needs to go up. Can't organize my thoughts to get the wall painted first. Want to beadboard my powder room. Nope - money for bridesmaid duties come first. Want to take my dog to a dog park to be with other dogs. No energy. Want to write in my journal. No time.

As much as I love my husband and my dog, I need time away. I wish I could be single for two weeks so I can find me again. My feet are not under me. They are way behind me, two blocks behind me. My mind is constantly racing thinking about all the things that need to be done. I have to stay on top of everything. Even right now, the list in my head is long.

I need to call my mom.

Today's Thoughts

Artistic Thoughts
For the visual arts. Photography. Paining. Designing. Sometimes it's better to not have a plan, just go. Natural. Capture real life. Organic. Instinctual. Raw. No Fear. Attack. It's not always perfect and still looks beautiful. That's what sets the art apart.

Dog Thoughts
My dog is super attached to me. He's acting funny. I think I'm giving off a special chemistry.

New Life Thoughts
I love my life right now. What I fear most about having a baby if that ever were to happen is the massive extent to which my life will change. I don't want to lose anything I love in order to gain a child. "Just because you become a mother, it doesn't mean you lose who you are." I will stand by this philosophy if I'm ever in that situation. "You can have your child and still have fun and still be sexy and still have dreams..."

Novelty Thoughts
Novelty is good. It's great in regards to music and relationships. That's when your interest is at its highest. When the novelty wears off, so does your interest. The way to remedy that declining eventuality is to minimize your exposure. Take it a little at a time. Then your interest will last longer.

Personal Development Thoughts
If I had 4 walls, I have one more to tear down. I enjoy being all things. Mature, Fun, Intelligent, Down-to-earth, etc. But there's one more... That's the major difference between the old me and this me. I am so many things at once. Crawling into all secret facets of myself is revealing. Comfortable in my skin. It's peaceful being complex and diverse.

BJ The Chicago Kid - Pineapple Now-Laters

I am absolutely in LOVE with this album. His lyrics. His voice. His message. Everything about it is perfect. So perfect that I gotta type out these lyrics!

"Aiight" - BJ the Chicago Kid
Girl let me lay you down baby and give you what you need yeah
In my bedroom
I'm rough when necessary but I'm guaranteed to please
...
And when we start to kiss and we'll both be listening
To the sounds of our hearts
Girl we can do it all
Night
And when we start to touch and we'll both be lovin
Every moment of tonight
Alll this can happen babe if you just say "aiight"
Baby just say "aiight"
Girl now that I'm inside baby, I just can't keep my cool
In my bedroom
...
I'm loving what I'm feeling but it's so much we can do baby
...

Bliss

At this very moment, I should be working. But something has been nagging at me that I must record. A lot of times, we tend to remember the bad and not the good. We gravitate towards drama and live in the past. We blog or write or talk to others when there is something wrong. So in an effort to break from this mold, I've decided to write about this wonderful and amazing sense of bliss that I feel right now.

Last night, my husband put together a closet for himself. I noticed that there were wrappers and instructions and cardboard pieces all over the floor so I went downstairs to get a trash bag and tidy up his space. While trashing all the trash, I joked to him about how I don't want to see not another piece of trash on the floor now that he has this trash bag. We laughed. A little bit later, I came back and he just so happened to be peeling the plastic off another part for the closet. I almost walked away, but then came back to peak around the corner to make sure he put the plastic in the trash and not on the floor. Out of an effort not to be policed, hubby laughed at me and chucked the plastic right on the floor. I don't know why this was so funny, but we both laughed so hard as I ran up to him to physically accost him. "You ain't going to stand there and police ME." Even after that episode was over, I caught myself still smiling and giggling in the next room.

I love experiences like that. My marriage is so divine at this moment.

Have you ever met a friend who expands your mind? Well hubby and I have. We are currently 'dating' a new couple who we both absolutely adore. I say dating because we are always out together at a restaurant tasting new foods, enjoying stimulating conversation and wearing our best attire. We have had such amazing conversation. They have introduced us to restaurants that blow my mind. Little lounges and bars that are tucked away. Next on the dating agenda is the ballet at the Kennedy Center and a weekend trip to NY. What I like about them most of all is the effect they have on my man. The ballet, frolicking around NY, going out on a weeknight...all activities my hubby did not enjoy are finally interesting to him. His mind is open and I'm loving it.

In general, without the effect the new couple, my husband is growing. He's maturing. He's becoming wise. He's enjoying life. He's enjoying me. He's no where near the man that I married. I'm falling in love with him all over again.

I did have an awkward moment with my sisters this weekend. My longest and closest friend turned sister and I have a strange relationship. We talked through it yesterday, but even within the weirdness and the possibility that an area of my life might not be perfect, my world is still so amazing. I believe the balance of other areas of my life are making me capable of handling anything right now. Having happiness I can cling to makes difficulty not so bad.

I've always wanted a life were my weeks don't blend it to the other. I've always wanted to be outside and to explore new sites and sounds. I've wanted a man in my life who is open minded, cultured, funny, interesting and loving. I've wanted to be involved in fiend relationships that are easy. I've always needed an element of peace.

I can say at this very moment, I have all of that. That's my definition of living. Thus, the quality of my life is amazing. And I must document this.  

Fool For You

I'm coming with terms with how powerful these lyrics are as I listen to Alice Smith's cover of Cee-Lo's amazing song. They are so intense and deep. This right here is LOVE. It can dang on near make you cry.

That deep, that sweet, that soaking
That wet, that fire, that powerful stuff
That up and that down, that front and that back
Baby, I can't seem to get enough

Ooh baby, let me do it, let me do it 'til I'm satisfied
Oh baby, now right now, baby, I ain't got no more pride
Oh, sweet sugar, I surrender
I don't want no other man, baby, you win

And you ain't never got to worry, ever got to worry
You'll never be alone again
There's nothing, there's nothing
That ooh, that I wouldn't do, ah, ooh

Write a song about it, daddy
Everybody know who I'm talking to

Read more: Cee Lo Green - Fool For You Lyrics | MetroLyrics

And maybe I'm just getting it because of how serious Alice Smith is in this performance. She turns this thang OUT and brings up an emotion that overwhelms me.

2013 in Review

UPDATE: I FORGOT TWO IMPORTANT THINGS!

I feel like I need to write a post about my year in review, but I can't remember half of what happened in 2013. It's all a blur. One year simply fades into the next. But from looking at my 2013 calendar, here's what I could compile about the year.

Bought a new car.
My husband sold his condo from the bachelor days.
I did a handful of photo shoots and interior design consultations for friends.
Had a great district convention.
Went to a couple of concerts.
Formally recognized myself as a photography and design consultant.
Signed up for the Regional Building Committee.
Adopted the most adorable puppy.
Designed and built a closet in one of the spare rooms.
Had a relaxing family reunion vacation.
Built a wonderful relationship with a new couple.
Participated in a few beautiful photo shoots with hubby.
Witnessed the release of a new Bible translation!
Went to CT and NY with my family.
Got out of jury duty.
Did some territory assist field service.
Traveled to San Francisco for work.
Went on a cruise to the Bahamas.
Partied and had dinners and outings with all kinds of friends.
Ended the year in Alabama with my family (grandfather, grandmother and uncle included!).

I'd say I had a very fulfilling year. The highlight of it was being with friends in all different kinds of capacities (shows, concerts, anniversary parties, restaurants, gatherings at each others houses, etc.) and doing more for Jehovah while witnessing Jehovah doing so much for me. Serving in a territory that needs assistance and signing up to help build Kingdom Halls makes me feel happy. Being a part of a special program in which we are given a new Bible... there are no words to sum up how incredibly historic it was. I was so honored to witness that.

Next year, I look forward to continuing my friendships and having even more great dinners, outings, gatherings, etc. Becoming one with the new Bible that I received is imperative. I so badly want to show my appreciation for this gift, but have such a hard time doing daily Bible reading. So I want to try hard, very hard, to make it happen. I want to go back to sitting in the front of the Kingdom Hall so as to block out distractions. By maintaining my spiritual focus, I know I'll have an even better relationship with my husband than I did last year. Continuing to grow with him is exciting as well. My husband is my best friend and my boo, so doing everything with him is my desire while still allowing time separately. Speaking of 'separately', I need to figure out how to do something. On a daily basis during the week, I am either working or trying to recuperate from working. There's no in between and there's nothing else. Work, recupe, work, recupe. I feel like I don't have much personal happy time during the week. There's no reason why spontaneity and fun has to be restricted to the weekend. So that's what I want to try to do for myself. Find energizing, happy, fun, spontaneous moments during the week. Yeah, that sounds good.

If anyone is reading this, what have you learned about yourself in 2013 and where do you see 2014 taking you?

Do the Work

I have so much to say and so little time to say it in. Luckily, Jillly from Philly says it for me.

"You can hold me close, kiss me nice. Talk to me in the moonlight. You can take my hand. Be that strong man, you can. Hold me close. Make me feel so good. Talk to me in my ear. Tell me things that I need to hear...Come and give it to me soon, cause I need you. I can't take all of this without lovin. I'm tired of being strong all day. I need to get to know you in a familiar way. I can handle it all, but in the middle of the night, I need something right. I need you to get closer. Come a little bit closer boy. I need you to get closer to... Come and feel the fire with me. I need to feel the King in you. Let me see it soon."

I've been thinking a lot about the gift of singleness, in part because of a blog post that one of my sisters sent me about waiting for the right man. It was deep. I 100% agreed with everything that was said. There's no better time to explore who you are and to build a tough relationship with God than when you are single. No better time. Going into a marriage not knowing who you are is tough. It creates all kinds of problems later on. Going into a marriage with a strong spiritual relationship with God is tough. That too creates all sorts of problems.

As I go through these years of marriage, I am so happy that I took that time. I discerned, I researched, I discussed, I learned, I experienced hard lessons, I consulted, I prayed... I did a lot of work as a single person. I think my blog history can attest to that. Learning who you are is not easy. Forget about the fact that you still wonder if you accurately figured out who you are later on in life. Getting to a place where you are comfortable in your skin takes work. Let me say that again. Getting to a place where you are comfortable in your skin takes WORK. I mean real work people. You actually have to do something. For me, that involved a lot of reading and a lot of writing and a lot of decision-making. No, I will not be that person. No, I do not like that. Yes, I can own that character trait. Yes, this hobby definitely affects my personality for the better. Nope, another person's opinion can not alter how I feel about x. I really worked at planting my feet in soil, attaching my roots deep and growing from there.

Moving across the country was a blessing. Every single puppet string was detached when I made that move. I decided everything for myself. One of the most significant decisions was my decision to make a spiritual search. Proving the scriptures to myself, going against what the Bible recommended and learning the hard way that God's Word really has some truth to it helped me to draw closer to God. With the help of Jehovah, I studied my butt off and my conscious was trained. My social experiences also helped define my spirituality. As I partied all over LA, I learned what my Bible-trained conscious would allow me to do and what it wouldn't. I was actively putting my Bible studies to work (although not necessarily in a good way). I challenged everything I was learning and used my social life to do so. "Let me see if I can socialize with people who have not an inkling of spirituality about them, drink until 2am and still feel okay about myself the next day." lol. I did it. I did it all!

I say all that to say that yes lawd singleness is a gift. As I think back, everything experience was for a purpose. It was hard, but it was well worth it. And as I continue to grow in marriage, I look forward to looking back again and rounding up all the lessons and gaining insight into how marriage helped me spiritually and personally. So the work continues! I have a nice base, a great foundation, and now I have to keep building. Keep working. Keep reading, praying, writing, studying, consulting, researching... The hard work is well worth it. I promise you.

Do the work.

Be Healthy

From MadisonBalance.com

Don't wait until January 1st to start living a healthier life.  There are ways to get fit right now and stay fit through the holiday season.  Creating the good habit is half the battle.

1. Get outside and go!  Fall can be a treat for the senses: the crisp air, pumpkin carving, apple picking and beautiful fall foliage are all around you.  These few months are a great time to exercise outdoors without the sweltering heat or freezing temperatures.  Find a hiking or cycling trail, canoe or kayak.  Remember, working out doesn't have to be a chore.  Have some fun!

2.  Think outside the box.  Has it been your dream to learn to tap dance or box?  There's no time like the present to find a class that works for your schedule.  Classes are starting everywhere in the next few weeks. 

3. Be an active TV watcher.  Watching television doesn't mean you have to be a couch potato.  While you watch you can run in place, do standing lunges, tricep dips off the couch or lift weights.  Commercials are the perfect time to get in a set of push-ups or sit-ups.  You have an average of 20 minutes of commercial time during an hour program to get fit.

4.  Integrate exercise into your life.  Park your car farther away from the grocery store, take the stairs instead of the elevator, walk during your lunch break.  This may be the easiest way to get started on a healthier path.

5.  Rejuvenate.  Fall is the time to rejuvenate your body.  Your time spent doesn't have to always be about physical training.  Good health is also about mind and spirit.  Learn to meditate.  Treat yourself to a massage after a run.  

Thoughts

Today is one of those dreary days. It's raining and it's dark. But I don't mind it. It fits me at this moment. I'm not saying I feel dark or dreary, rather I appreciate the weather. It's calming. It's giving me a little bit of a break.

I bought Lana Del Rey's "Born to Die" album. Playing now is a song called 'Video Games'. I don't exactly know what it's about yet, but I like it. It matches me in this space. Slow and calming. I remember days when I used to lay on my pull out bed in California, put my head phones on and listen to an entire album from beginning to end. No phones, no computers, no tv. Just me and my headphones and my pull out bed. It's funny how you recall certain moments. Moments that you didn't even think were going to be important as you were making them back then. I think I want to lay on my sofa and put on my husband's Beats to listen to this album. I want to get lost.

Life has been good. Interesting lately but good. I've had a recurring thought these past few days that I'm not surprised is on my mind. All paths led and still lead to it. I haven't prayed about it in a while, so perhaps it's time to revisit that conversation with Jehovah.

I wonder what's next in life... I surely don't want it to get boring...

You know what I haven't made as priority? Travel.
France, Italy, England, Australia, Russia, Fiji, Tahiti, Germany, Ireland, Brazil, Canada, Puerto Rico.
When will there be time? The 9 to 5 holds me back. I have to wait for paid time off to accrue in order to enjoy the world? Seems so backwards.

Music: Yong and Beautiful - Lana Del Ray

No wonder Kanye proposed to Kim over this song - her favorite song right now.

I've seen the world
Done it all
Had my cake now
Diamonds, brilliant
And Bel Air now
Hot summer nights, mid July
When you and I were forever wild
The crazy days, city lights
The way you'd play with me like a child

Will you still love me
When I'm no longer young and beautiful?
...

I've seen the world, lit it up
As my stage now
....
The way you play for me at your show
And all the ways I got to know
Your pretty face and electric soul

Loving this song. I think I'm obsessed with it and the movie it came from. If you haven't seen 'The Great Gatsby' it's a must.

Growing

I'm in a place right now. My thoughts are flowing. The music in my ears is perfect. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. Sounds like the perfect storm for a blog.

I'm listening to Jon B.'s 'The Ride of Our Lives'. If you read this blog or know me, you know how I feel about this song. It gets me every time. But right before the song came pouring through my head phones, I was thanking my friend for coming to visit me this weekend with her newborn baby and husband. I was telling her over chat that it's very apparent that having a baby changes personalities and character for the better. There's something much calmer and sweeter about her. There was a moment yesterday when we were sitting in my living room with a few other people discussing a stressful situation in someone else's life. My friend had a similar situation that created a lot of pain for her, but as the conversation ensued, she waved her free hand in the air and shrugged her shoulders as if to say, 'it's not even worth it' while holding her daughter in the other. That little gesture while holding her sweet little baby is one that keeps replaying in my mind over and over again. Because of her history and knowing where she came from emotionally, I am simply overwhelmed with the transforming power of a tiny little human being. And of course, that stirs emotion in me.

I'm interested to know what would change in me. What kind of person would I be? What lessons would I learn? What are my most selfish areas of life? Do I go out often to the point where I would feel a change? Would my hair appointments go away or would I work to keep those moments to myself as a part of my me-time? What would no longer be important to me anymore? Probably my tv shows. I'm just looking forward to seeing and learning and figuring out and growing. I'm ready to stop being selfish and to live for someone else. Ya know?

 

Wants Not Needs, Or Maybe Needs

Hubby asked me what I wanted as a gift. While I think he has no idea what he's gotten himself into, this is a hard question for me to answer. If you know anything about me, you know that I love interior design. So there's a ton of stuff that I want for the house, but for some reason that doesn't totally feel like it's for me. I feels like it's his too. I mean, he gets to reap the rewards from it too right? But I guess I shouldn't be too concerned with that. So what if the gifts that I want are also the very items that he'll use.

I haven't shared any of these thoughts with him because I know how overwhelmed he gets with my ideas, but these are the 3 things I want (or need).

• A Willing Spirit - That's what I want my from my hubby more than anything right now. I'm a girl with ideas for the home, dreams of adventures, desires of life, aspirations of the heart, thoughts out the wazoo... And getting him to make a memory with me or help bring an idea to fruition takes a bit of work on my part. The ironic part about it is that when he finally gets into whatever idea I have, he loves it! You should have seen him as he created a new outlet source for our bedroom tv! He was in heaven! So, yeah. That's the greatest gift he could give me. Reminds me of a scripture we're all too used to hearing at our congregation meetings. "Let each one do just as he has resolved in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

• An Experience - I keep telling my man that an experience is worth more than some item of a gift. He actually listened to me when thinking of gifts for our anniversary. A couples massage and a horse back riding lesson for beginners. We didn't actually ever get to use the deals that he bought for me (they expired before he got around to booking them - boo), but it was a great start in the right direction. I recently had a convo with hubby about my desire to paint. So what better gift than to go to Michael's, buy the supplies and set us up in the garage with a painting session for two? Right?!

• An Office Space - I've desperately wanted an office space just for me for a while. And now that we have a bit of free space in our bedroom after moving some things into our bedroom-turned-closet, I think we're ready! We don't have a TON of room though so I think a thin mirrored desk would be perfect against our corner window, complete with a beautiful desk lamp and a chair. Just enough thickness for my laptop, maybe a few books, etc. I think this is a perfect gift because whenever we get the chance to sleep in, hubby gets slightly irritated at the tapping of my nails on my keyboard as I lay next to him. I love Rachel's space. I mean how amazing would it be for me to come home and see that hubby tried his hand at designing a space just for me that I can then take over and keep designing? Ugh. I just might cry.

That's it!

Discovering Joy

I had a creative orgasm this weekend. Yep. That's what I'm going to call it. While recuperating from a sinus cold on Saturday, I went from blog to website to blog to website discovering new designers, photographers and fashionistas who nearly made me loose my mind. I think I have an obsession with clean and crisp sites. There's something about them that draws me in and immediately impresses me. The site could be about doo doo. If it's clean and well organized and pretty, I'll read it. Anyway, I learned so much from browsing these sites.

I found a new 'Olivia Palermo' (my fashion icon) that I probably will steal outfit ideas from. I figured out where all these bloggers are getting their customized templates from. I happened upon some design ideas for my jacreative blog and I was introduced to a woman named Joy Deangdeelert Cho by way of Emily Henderson's blog (my designer icon). Emily just finished designing Joy's new studio space. You should take a look here. It's pretty cute.

Now Joy is an interesting woman. She is a mother and wife but more interestingly, she has her own design company called 'Oh Joy'. But I don't think it's fair to corner her into the box of 'designer'. This woman does A LOT. At her studio, she helps clients figure out their identity, packaging and more. She also creates products like stationary, fabric, baby clothing and wallpaper. I mean this woman has stuff in Target, Anthropologie AND Urban Outfitters. And then to top it off, she has a new branch of her company called 'Rx' in which she consults for and mentors small businesses/individuals on how to get their business off the ground, keep work/life balance, decide on next steps career wise, etc. I mean, hello?! Who does all of that?!

So you know of course she's a writer too. I bought both of these books.



"Creative, Inc." made me think of two of my 'sisters' who are new into the freelancing business world. "Blog, Inc." obviously piqued my interest because I'm a blogger. I skimmed through both books and as I did so, I found it funny how the key items she discussed like how to organize your blog and the importance of getting your site's link on other people's blogs had everything to do with how I found Joy and ultimately purchased not one, but two of her products. Smart cookie. But I think she's more than smart. She's helpful. I see that from 'Rx' and from these two books. There's no doubt that she's more than a designer. She's a philanthropist, a mentor and a… what's the best way to put this? A human being! And I can bet you $100 that that's what she wants her brand to represent. I got all of that from a blog, a website which housed her portfolio, a short youtube video and a book (or two). Sounds like a recipe for success to me.

To all my freelance readers and freelancers in the making, I think there's a lesson or two to learn here. Right?