Give To Get

I've been obsessing lately over the lack of romance in my marriage. It's consuming my every thought and breathe. More than hubby knows. But with the help of a tweet, I just had an aha moment. (This is the first time twitter has made my life. Put a little effort into it and magical things happen.)

"The key for both sides is to do what's needed to have the other side wanting to offer... whether it be sex or romance." - Tweeter that shall remain anonymous

Hubby and I went on a date the other night, and although he tried by opening up the car door on 2 occasions, the romance fell flat. But I don't want to harp on what he didn't do. Instead I want to talk about that quote... I was told that a man's idea of romance is sex. yes, very basic and to be expected. A woman's idea of romance has very little to do with sex and can take an unlimited number of forms. Whatever the form, as long as the woman feels like she's the most beautiful and most special woman in the universe, romance has been accomplished.

The problem in my house, (here's where the quote comes in) is that neither of us have the other side wanting to offer what each other needs. Hubby doesn't do anything that makes me want to offer sex. And I don't do anything that makes him want to offer romance. I have relations with him because I know I need to in order to keep my man and whenever the urge hits me. Hubby romances me when... well. He romanced me when he was trying to become my one and only. In the here and now? Not so much.

So now that we're 3 years in, and the romance is gone and relations are by obligation or by my need, I'm finding that that quote will be my inspiration for a better relationship. And it's not that our relationship is all that bad because we've been doing very well lately. It's just that I have a need that is not getting filled. I'm 99% sure that he'll say the same thing of me. The danger of not fulfilling each others needs could be detrimental. An extra marital affair, the-needle-that-broke-the-camels-back argument, or all out disappointment in our marriage.

Deep down inside though, I find it hard to be the one to start this giving process. It's a very complex thing to give of yourself intimately when you don't feel cherished. Yes, he'll say that he cherishes me. But I don't FEEL cherished. We're best friends. We laugh. We can hang. I enjoy being with him. He enjoys picking on me. That's my homie. But does he make me blush? When he sings Carl Thomas' lyrics in the car ("I couldn't take my eyes off that girl for nothing. She looks like love. It felt so natural...I'm all caught up..."), I always get jealous of the air that he sings that too. If those words fell on me in all sincerity and genuineness that I can read from his eyes, I'd be putty in his hands.

But we're young. Relationships go through phases. At 28 and 30, being homies is what it's all about. We're hanging out with friends, we have no kids, we're having a whole bunch of fun. At 38 and 40, I'm hoping that the game changes up a bit. It seems like the older you get, the more you appreciate each other and see the beauty of the other.

But before I die of this lack, I have to figure out how to get it. Cause telling him just doesn't work.

Ran-dumb Thoughts

I slept so hard last night
I wish I could have this draining effect that my period has on me most nights
Without the period
Being a light sleeper is the worst now that I'm married
Period week
This is the week where I give up
I could care less about the important things
I did manage to do laundry last night/this morning, and unpack a bag that's been sitting on the floor for 2 weeks now
I had a slight case of frenzy
I could feel the chemical imbalance.
Work isn't happening today
I'm here, but I already know it's going to be a lazy/unproductive day
This 4 day work week has been the longest ever
My stomach is bothering me
Nina Simone is pouring from the speakers of my iPhone
She makes me feel cultured
With her musky voice
It's interesting how many people have sampled her music
So what's up with this A$AP Rocky person?
Do I really need to get on board?
Beyonce links to his album on her blog
JT's 'Suit and Tie' song...LOVE
Prince's 'Screwdriver' song...LOVE
That man is the king of rock and roll.
Back to A$AP
Why must these rappers all look like this?
Scrawny, teenager with homemade plaits in his head
Is this the look we're going for?
Why can't we present ourselves a bit better?
Dudes can just do whatever they want in the game
Females on the other hand need complete image/look overhauls
It's dead in here
The VP is in Albany
The manager is working from home
The co-worker is wading through hundreds of emails after being away on travel
It's the perfect day for Netflix
Or to explore new music
I got a bonus
It'll be in my paycheck tomorrow
The government will take a big bite out of it
I've probably spent 90% of it already on my pillows
I want to go clothes shopping
Weddings, assemblies, conventions
I have outfits to buy
Rachel Roy, Asos, Zara
It's so funny though
I put in effort but feel so regular
Vanity is like the wind

Mood: PMS

My stomach hurts. I'm tired. I have very little patience. I'm cold.

Marley Joey/Mason Alex

It's Sunday and I don't have to work tomorrow. MJ went skating and I'm home on my sofa with a movie on. I couldn't have planned a more perfect evening. Alone in my favorite spot. I haven't really had the chance to enjoy my living room since I rearranged it. MJ was right. It's much more comfortable this way.

I don't talk about this with my husband anymore. For really good reason too. I'm not trying to stress him out. I've had so many different feelings about this subject that I can't recount them myself. But if I don't write this down, I fear I won't be able to fully sort out my thoughts.

I love thinking about baby names. But ask me if I'm ready to have a baby. I can't believe how many times I've changed my mind on this subject. One minute every fiber in my body is dying for a baby and then next, I'm cringing over the idea of waking up earlier than 7am. Yesterday as I woke up and slowly came to life, I felt so free, so grateful to be able to wake up on my own terms. I don't understand this Jekyl and Hyde thought process of mine. How do you want something so bad one minute and not want it at all the next? It would be fine if one of these feelings stuck. But I've gone through this so many times, I don't know what's true anymore.

I have normalized my expectations though. I have put away the calendars, period trackers, fertility apps, webmd research, pregnancy tests, etc. I've learned my lesson there. That's a sure fire way to drive me crazy. It works wonders for some, but I can't take another pregnancy test. My emotions will surely kill me. Happy, sad, relieved, disappointed.

But these baby names... Marley, Jax, Miller, Mieke, Mase, Joey... I even found a website www.nymbler.com that recommends names based on suggestions. Using those names, it suggested Kennedy, Reilly, Quinn, Harper, Alex... All names I love. I guess it's sort of like wanting to get married because of the wedding fantasy. Picking colors, designing invitations, searching for the perfect wedding gown... Only it's not just baby names that I think of. I think about my son, Mason Alex, or my daughter, Marley Joey, looking up at me. I think about my child telling me that I'm the best. I think about that baby reaching out for me. (sigh) I don't want to get too mushy here, so I'll stop. I think the point has been made.

But this moment right here. Me with my laptop, a movie and my peace... I do not want to give that up right now. My life is great. I feel good. I've been told I look good. I have great friends that I hang out with often. My life is simple. I have a couple of great Bible studies that I'm able to dedicate a good amount of time to. I have a new car that I don't want getting messed up. I can focus singularly on myself to improve my personality.

I so badly want to see what my husband's child will look like and how the two of them will love on each other. I want to see that side of him. The intimate interaction between a man and his child is so sexy.

As I continue to say whenever this topic comes up... Time will tell. I don't have much time at 30 years of age, but I'm sure I'll have my answer when the time is right. I wish I had 5 more years before having to think about this, but that's not my reality. Prayerfully something with come to a head soon.

Bedroom Transformation

Work is slowing down so guess what? I'm back. =) *Waving*

While I was away, the projects kept going so here's a look into what we've been doing with our biggest project right now.

I wish I had a before picture of the room... Actually, here's something. Ignore me in the pic but notice the color of our walls. Bland huh? The whole house was painted this one color when we purchased it. Slowly but surely we've been transforming each room.

So far, all we've done is paint and put up the bed. We had a chair in there, but I took it downstairs, so we're completely bare in here. Because the room is so manly and subdued right now, I feel the need to spruce it up a bit with some pillows and a rug. I also need a slipper chair or a club chair of some sorts where hubby can sit down and put lotion on. (Him plopping down on the bed when I'm sleeping is not working.) Here's my vision as far as textiles go. Coral, blue and gray. That's my combination. We're keeping the bedspread a plain ole white for contrast sake.

 

I'm also looking into other rugs that aren't so mathchy matchy like the above. What do you think about this combo? I absolutely LOVE that rug, but unfortunately it doesn't come in the size I need. I'm going to have to hunt for a look-a-like. 

I have to keep in mind that are carpet is beige. *thumbs down* If the floors were hardwood, this would be so much easier. Matching gray to beige can be a bit tricky.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. All the pillows are ordered. It's just the rug and the chair I need to focus on. After that, I need some art and then I can call this room complete. =)

Design Grind

I'm back on my design grind. Check me out here.

Sprititual Schedule

I've been MIA. It's not that I haven't tried to blog either. Life is just busy I guess. Well maybe busy isn't the right word. Life is full and well scheduled. There have been a whole bunch of trips, gatherings, helping of friends, double dates, Bible studies, etc. Life is good. I like it like this.

This weekend is going to be full of spiritual activities. From 9:30 - 4 I'll either be knocking on someone's door, making return visits, or attending the talk for a Bethel speaker. On Sunday, we have a special meeting as well due to the Bethel attendee. These activities are right on time for me. I've seriously been slacking. I feel like I'm not doing my best when it comes to service and my study habits. Instead, I'm doing just enough. And for that reason, I need to create a schedule. Again.

Monday
Bible reading

Tuesday
Bible reading
Meeting Preparation

Wednesday
Meeting night

Thursday
Check in with Bible studies (personal interest)
Prepare for their studies
Personal study

Friday
Watchtower preparation

Saturday
Ministry

Sunday
Meeting

Topics for personal study:
- Having Bible studies, being a good conductor
- All Scripture Inspired book (get background on the chapter of the Bible we're reading)
-

Hopefully I can stick to it. =/

Work is Work

My back hurts sooooo bad. The stress from composing yesterday's 15 slide presentation for the VP is beating me down. My back is tighter than Boris Kodjoe's abs.

Speaking of Boris Kodjoe, Marcus and I happened upon a woman while we were out in the ministry who said we look like 'Boris Kodjoe and 'em'. We thought that was pretty funny. She was so bright and happy. We have to go visit her again. Marcus makes me look good though. He's clearly the more attractive one out of us two.

Back to my stiff back... I'm taking it easy today. I declare it. I'm doing as little as possible here at work today. I need a minute and a mental break. I haven't gotten word, but I know January is going to be a doosie. Presentations and meetings galore about 2012 and pushing forward into 2013. And guess who's going to have to CREATE all of those presentations? Ugh. I should probably start now, before I get the assignment. But today is not the day. All in all though, I'm glad to have a job. While I was in the shower, I was thinking about how refreshing it is to have somewhere to be. I can only say that because I used to have no where to go back in the day when I was unemployed. There are only so many days that you can feel ok sitting at home while the rest of the world is about their business and on their grind.

Ugh. My phone is about to ring. Work is coming. I know it. "Can I call you in a second?" What am I supposed to reply back with?

Duty calls...

She Done Did It Again, Video: Stay

Just when she starts to irritate me, she wins me over again.

This right here!!!! Classy and Emotional.

Crazy Sexy Cool

"Wrong ring. Wrong guy" - Samantha

I'm watching Sex and the City while working from home today. I used to feel like that. If he proposed with the wrong ring, something that's so NOT you, then does he really know you? Now that I'm 2.5 years in, I can tell you that his taste in diamonds can be changed. That is the LEAST of your worries. The things you CAN'T change are the ones you need to worry about. Blatant things like his disrespect for women and his utter laziness or subtle things like his snoring at night and his sickening habit of farting when he pees. (lol. I had to laugh at that last one.) Well maybe those are things that can be changed with time, but YOU most certainly cannot change them nor should you try. That's what I'm learning in my marriage. I cannot change my husband. So lesson #492 is to let him be him. To do that, I have to do 1 of 2 things. Either ignore the things I can't change or become okay with whatever he's doing that I disapprove of. That leads me into a TLC-ism. Crazy Sexy Cool. If you have the album or have heard the album, you know what I'm talking about. That's my new motto. Crazy Sexy Cool.

Channel it J. Channel it.

10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew About Men

Interesting article, especially since I know all 10 are true of my husband. Stuff for me to ponder on. Thanks for sending Tiff.

http://www.ericrobersonmusic.com/2012/11/14/10-things-guys-wish-women-knew-about-men/

Ran-Dumb Thoughts (Special Edition)

I'm struggling
I think I'm getting sick
And marriage has been incredibly hard
It's internally hard
There's not a day that goes by where I'm not fighting myself
Fighting not to say something
Fighting not to nag
Fighting to do what's unnatural
Fighting to be upbuilding
Fighting to remember what the Bible says to do
This morning, there was a serious war in my brain
Do I push him to get up since he's late?
Will he think I'm nagging?
Is there a way I can say it nicely?
Just don't say anything at all
He's grown
He knows what time he needs to be at work
But wouldn't it be considered helpful?
Looking out for his best interest?
Especially since he has to leave on time today
That means he'll have to stay late one day
I hate it when he stays late
Is it my job to make him a better man?
Yes
No
Just shutup J
Seriously
That's what I did this morning while trying to snuggle into him
For 15 minutes straight
Every single minute that I'm around him seems to be like that
A constant battle
Cannons and rifles and knifes
Shots and screams and explosions
That's how I feel internally
And when I say it's like that every single minute I'm around him
I'M NOT LYING
My mind moves a mile a minute
It's tiring
And when he reads this
I wonder if he'll use it against me
Will my super active mind come up in discussion
Or even an argument
I'm trying to be the best me
Which is why it moves like that
Trying to think before I act
Find the right course
Find the path of least resistance
I want to do the right thing
Cause the least amount of stress as possible
I want to be the best me
But maybe the best 'me' is not stress free?
But I've begun to question whether it's 'me' he wants
Perhaps he doesn't like my natural 'me'
So how do I be 'me'
I want to be his buddy
I want to be his roll dog
I want us to have each other's backs
I want us to be close
But in reality
I'm his wife
And not in a good way either
I think he sees me as his mate that tries to keep him in line
The nagging one
The strict one
The enforcer
I'd rather not be those things
I'd rather not have to nag
I'd rather not have to say 'Can you clean the...'
I wish the household tasks where like a robotic machine
All wheels, rivets and gears did what they should do without word
I don't know
It's hard to be a wife
To have this craving for a man
And to be the backbone of the house
And to be the backbone of the man
To encourage
To be chill
To be fun
To be sweet
To sex
To cook
To clean
I have so many roles
So many support function
I feel like I'm juggling 10 balls
And not doing a very good job of it
I'm not balancing them all correctly
And that's why he doesn't like 'me'
Every day is a constant struggle
We're not as close as we used to be
And it breaks my heart
But I can't say anything
Because I'm just drunk off love
I'm extra
I'm over and above
He says love is not like that
He rolls his eyes or laughs
Or worse
Gets sad
Then I made him sad
I'm not being encouraging
I'm not lifting him up
I failed as a wife
What it is to be a wife
I had no idea
I have to be everything
And I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing
I'm trying to smile
Trying to be 'cool'
Trying to be 'fun'
Whatever he wants me to be
I want to be it all for him
Because I crave him
I need to touch him
Feel his heat
Hold his hand
I love it when he lays his hand on me in bed
He probably thinks its nothing
And it means nothing to him
But for me it's everything
It begins fills the gaping hole I have to feel 'in love'
It makes me feel like he recognizes me
It makes me feel like he appreciates how hard I'm working
How much I DON'T say
I know that's not what he's thinking
But I like to imagine
To remember the single moments when he touches me
I don't know why I'm crying
I'm overwhelmed by life I guess
I wonder if he'll ever be into me like he was
Or will I always feel like something on his to do list
Will he ever again take my face in his hands and say something beautiful
Will he ever nervously wonder if I'll be with him forever
Will he ever again think I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him
Or is all that a distant memory?
I want us to be solid
'Solid as a rock'
But I feel we're fighting to hold on
Fighting for peace
And it's with this fight that I'm pressing forward with
At the same time though...
I'm struggling

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

My favorite day of the week. Friday. There will always be something about this day. No matter how long or work-ish it is, it's still a good day.

i hate my car
so much
i used to love Missy
but everytime the fuse box comes loose
or the CD button falls
or the cap on the end of my seat gets separated
i want to toss her away
and for that very reason I figured out what I want to do with my money
pay off my credit cards
and save up for a down payment
forget about the brighter winter wardrobe
forget about appliances for the house
forget about everything
i want a car
that is my number 2 priority after paying down debt
i'm almost done with my AmEx though
i'll be under a thousand with another paycheck
and then i'll take my third check of the month and put a grand on my Citi
these 2 credit cards WILL be conquered!
i need new glasses
when i drive in the dark, i see nothing but sparkles and glares
all the headlights and stoplights
it's bad
i feel like my mother
"i can't drive past 8pm!"
i guess i hate my glasses too
i thought about something last night
since my license plate is connected to my old address...
...where would a speeding ticket go?
not saying I am getting any
but I really don't know
i have a pretty heavy foot and I'm surprised I haven't received any
it's like the calm before the storm
or maybe I just don't have any
hubby was in a bad mood this morning
i had so much to tell him too
but the 'hey booper!' attitude wasn't there
he needs his space
what else?
i need to look at my budget again and see about this ski trip
my good friends are going
so naturally it'll be fun
i've never skied or snowboarded either
i've been wanting to do that for a while
i'm trying to figure out something else to talk about
not ready for work yet
i got a lot done yesterday
i feel like i deserve a break
working hard two days in a row?!
naaaaaaah
i'ma focus on one thing today
that's as much as i can do
i want to go to the movies so bad
i'm feenin for a good movie
there are no love stories in the theatre now
i want to see something romantic
something that touches my heart
my co-worker said to rent The English Patient
anyone seen that?
my eyes are getting heavy
we had a nap room at The Washington Post
shouldn't every office have a nap room?
it would only be fair
i'm getting better with my prayers
sometimes when i pray, my mind drifts
but i've been staying focused
it also helps when i write my prayers down
that's what i told my Bible study to do
she doesn't pray at all
she feels like Jehovah won't listen to her
lots of people have been there
including me
she only needs to start and work in harmony with her prayers
my manager has been working from home all week
it was so nice
why couldn't he close out the week and work from home today?
sigh
to work i go

Sandy and Me

Hubby said he's going to sleep all day. I guess it's just me and Sandy today. See, this is what happens when you've been married for a while. I envy all the newlyweds who are home together today. #NotBoo-edUpEvenThoughIHaveABoo

I wonder how bad this hurricane is supposed to be. It's been raining non-stop now for like 10 hours. But it's very light. They say it'll hit the DC area late today through early Tuesday. I pray we'll all be fine and not end up like all these tsunami and earthquake striken countries we've seen. My gut says it's nothing to worry about.

I wish I had a personal photographer. I'd like more random pictures of myself. Not off some vain stuff though. But I'd like to capture moments. Like right now. Me on my sofa, legs in indian style, wearing sweatpants and a big sweater. And laptop in tow. I think the moment represents me well. Just me. Not me as someone's wife, but just me. Because when I'm left to my own devices, usually not to my liking, this is how I am. Peaceful, thoughtful and warm.

I guess I can get some side gig work done today. I have a couple of storyboards to produce. Let me do that before the power goes out. Have a safe day with Sandy everyone!

The Happenings

I know I know I know...

I'm slacking on the blogging. I've been uber busy lately. I feel like I've been running at a constant pace at work for the past two weeks. There's absolutely no time to jog. I'm not quite sprinting, but I'm still exerting quite a bit of effort. That's okay though. The days go by faster.

I've gotten quite a bit of j.a.design storyboard requests lately. Mostly family members. It's helped me get back into my passion. I was on a bit of a hiatus from it actually. I think that comes from my house being settled. Of course there are things I could always change in the house but I'd rather spend my money on clothes right now. Fall shopping is priority.

What else has been going on? Well October is a busy month in general. Three weddings three weekends in a row. We will be on our way to Ohio after work Friday. I'm excited to get out of DC. I feel like it's been a while since I've been anywhere outside of the home area.

I've added 2 Bible studies to my plate and I love them. They're usually on Sunday but sometimes schedules don't allow for that so it's taken a bit of energy to plan, reschedule and commit. I also have to prepare for each of these studies ahead of time so that's takes some diligence as well. I really want my students to get the most of their studies. My favorite study is with Sam. A 20 year old witness who says she doesn't feel like one and doesn't feel close to God at all. Since she's not new in the truth, I'm giving her a crash course. In addition to her studies and preparing for meetings, she has homework to work on her prayers. She doesn't feel like God will hear her. I assured her otherwise. I'm excited to see where we are in a year. Speaking of Bible studies, hubby and I had a bomb family worship. Our marriage went through a period of stress so we considered Bible literature on marital relationships. It was nice to read it after the dust settled on our mini-war (for a lack of a better word). We simply read the entire article out loud, alternating paragraphs. No comments were necessary. Afterwards, we each took a sheet of paper and wrote down 4 or 5 things we each are inspired to work on. After sharing those with each other, we took each others sheet, flipped it over and wrote 2 or 3 things we need from the other. We read them, processed, clarified and put them on our nightstands for keeping. It was so simple. There was a lot of quiet understanding, realizations, readjusting and thoughtfulness going on. It was divine.

Next month is November. Where does the time go? It'll be 2013 in no time! I feel like new goals are in order. Sounds like a 'goal' blogpost is in order. Oh! Brandy's 'Two Eleven' album is out! Did you get it? I listened to a bit of it this morning while getting dressed. I'll give the whole thing a listen today as I work.

Alright y'all. I probably won't blog again this week so have a good weekend! Pray for our safe travels!

Ciao!

Marriage = Work + Moments of Loveliness

TIP gets married Sat. Wedding planning is torture. I know that. So while I'm concerned about her, I'm super excited. I hope that she's keeping her head above water. Most of all, amid all the chaos, I hope she feels like she's making the best decision of her life. I want her to have her happy ending.

For real for real, the wedding day IS the happy ending. Look at all the movies and fairy tales we see. That's usually how it ends. Because from that day forward, is the beginning of a life full of work and tolerance. I don't mean to sound so grim, but I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it. The wedding day is all about a celebration of love and feeling those emotions of warmth and romance and whatever else. After that, it's about the grind. Yes, you do come upon the days when you feel loved and give love, but for the most part, it's about co-existing in peace and order. For real for real, it's about being friends.

I find that in marriage you have to force yourself to remember how you were during the dating period - that kind, attentive, loving, sweet person that you were. And then after you heave those memories into your mind, you have to channel it into the present. If it's done right, you can probably bet a day or two of loveliness. But because we're all creatures of habit, it won't last long. That's why as married people, we have to make sure to create daily habits that foster a peaceful co-existence. I read this blog the other day entitled "Ten Basic Reminders All Couples Should Have In Their Phone". I thought this was very practical and useful. If couples can get in the habit of practicing some or all of these on a normal, regular day, than I think you pretty much have a successful marriage. Here are the ten below, but click here to view the blog for a more detailed explanation.

1. Say I love You.
2. Be Considerate.
3. Send a Nice Text.
4. Say please AND thank you.
5. Put the (fill in the blank) down NOW and have a conversation.
6. Give a hug.
7. Remember, no one is perfect, including YOU.
8. Show some interest.
9. Get over IT.
10. Try harder to get over IT.

I want to add 2 to this list.
11. Apply Bible principles. You know like the fruitage of the spirit. joy, peace, long-suffering, etc.
12. Pray together.

Notice that all of these things take WORK and none of this comes easy. So if couples who really love each other want to make sure they stay together forever, they will WORK for it each and every day and hopefully have moments and peppered days of romance and pure loveliness. That's what I call a good marriage.

Congratulations to my strong, smart and loyal sistafriend. I love you Tiff!

Today's Bible Text

I promise you I'm no good at praying unless I either write it down in full or start to do what the above text suggests. Without a visual outline, my prayers WILL be the same everyday. Short-term goal #1 will be accomplished.

How I'm Feeling

I like to give my feelings a day or two. But I still feel the same way I felt yesterday - like I need a breath of fresh air. Which leads me to Jill Scott...

You know she has the lyrics to express how I feel.

"i need to get closer to where i was meant to be...need to be"
"talk to me in my ear. tell me the things that i need to hear"
"i can't take all of this without loving"
"i'm tired of being strong all day."
"i can handle it but i need something right..."

- Le Boom Vent Suite

That's how I'm feeling.

Peace

I'm going through something. My soul feels empty. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like I'm missing something.

I would like to sit in a Paris-like garden and learn how to paint. Or maybe climb a mountain in West Virginia and breath in the air as I sit and take in the fall colors. Or go kayaking with my dad down a river in Alabama. I want to go on an adventure. I want to clear my thoughts and my heart. Because right now, I'm struggling and irritated. Everything around me seems so silly and sad.

I have a thought... This didn't occur to me until just now (which is why writing is so therapeutic and great for me). I love my house, but I hate my surroundings. I feel like I live in the middle of trash. As soon as I get off my exit, my commute home is littered with boarded up apartments, females with bonnets and ill-looking outfits on, and dirty looking niggas playing in the middle of the street. There's a darkness and a sadness surrounding Congress Heights. I see no hope. No majesty. No calm and peace. So my house is my haven. My cheery, bright, airy, promising haven. The good thing about this experience is that I've learned my lesson. Even though my street may be nice, I need to take into consideration what I need to drive through to get there.

Contrast. That's what I need. A contrast to what I see every day. My soul needs to feel hope. And I feel there's no better way to get that than to be among Jehovah's natural creation. To sit and feel, experience and breathe in what paradise might be like. I need to be swept up in peace.

Who knows when that'll happen.





I'm sure this feeling was helped by the fact that there was a fight brewing between MJ and I on Saturday. Neither of us knew what it was and didn't care to figure it out.

Us

Hubster and I are doing good. What I'm most proud of is how we work out our issues. The biggest threat to our marriage right now is regularity. After a few years, things tend to get mediocre. The passion, spark, romance, interest level, and whatever else you want to add, declines. It effects our conversation and our sex life. I was talking to my sister yesterday and she was so happy to report that she didn't stress out when she called her husband who was out of town and he said he couldn't talk. "Ok bye!" is not a normal reaction for her. I'm glad she's at that state... for her own sanity. But as I look at my relationship, I'm looking for that you-hang-up-first-no-you-hang-up-first feeling. Alas, this is the real world and I'm fully aware that after being together for 4 years, that stuff is not going to happen very often. And I'm accepting of that. What I'm NOT accepting of is mechanical sex. That whole Step 1 go here, Step 2 go there... Naaaaah. I need the you-hang-up-first-no-you-hang-up-first feeling on this topic, otherwise I can't OPEN up. Sorry if this is TMI, but this is real and it's the type of stuff that I'm sure every married couple or every long-lasting couple encounters. But we talked, and we're game. For a woman, good sex starts with good conversation, good vibes, good energy. So in addition to working on the sex, we're working on the conversation, the connection, the emotion that involves wanting to be near each other...