Teedra

Like normal, Teedra was fantastic. Everytime I see her, I find myself dissecting what it is that makes her so incredible. We all came to the conclusion that it's because 1) her voice is so pretty (even though it's clear that she can't BLOW like the other sAngers out thre) and 2) the woman is so dag on REAL. Her passion behind every song, her stage prescence, her joy, her writing...it's all so REAL and relatable. The connection she makes is amazing....

So the rumors were right. Teedra does indeed have a new album out. LIONHEARTED. Well, a mixtape rather. But I'm listening to it now for the 3rd or 4th time since I bought it last night and it might as well be an album. Ain't many cover songs on this thang. As for my review, the music is perfect. Pretty much every track has that powerful underlying beat that Teedra is known to rock to. I can see her dancing on stage to each and every one of these songs. Her voice doesn't disappoint either. I'm very much looking forward to learning each and every lyric and rift on this "album". Hopefully you'll enjoy it just as much as I do.

This woman has inspired me to pick up the paper and pen again. Let's write some songs ya'll. =)

Did you know Teedra wrote this too, among many other of our favorites?



http://dunknowdablogspot.com/2009/02/08/teedra-moses-%E2%80%93-lionhearted-young-hustla-iii/

HOT! Tiret - Range Rover Coupe

Dame Dash's company, just launched the new Range Rover coupe.

OMG. Can I have one?!

Anybody want to loan me $716K?

"Customizations include different options such as a diamond-encrusted dial set on the dashboard and a panoramic roof, and armoring."

Put Your Money Away Fool!

Cue Keri.

"Now wait a minute little buster

Now you don’t even know me but you wanna take me shopping

You a lame, I can tell it ain’t big **** poppin

You turnin me off

Better recognize a real woman"

My boy BMW spoke to me about his plans to go on a cruise with his girlfriend. He got into the subject of money and how tight things are right now. I agreed with him saying, "yeah, i can imagine after paying for 2 plane tickets and 2 cruises." He immediately shut that down and said, "naw homie. she has to be near my wife in order for me to pay for a plane ticket or a vacay! this is a dutch situation." I was a little taken aback for a second (not sure why), but in bold cap letters I replied on AIM, "I HEAR THAT".

Some females may not be a fan but I believe BMW's mentality was refreshing. Strong indeed, but refreshing. Dudes don't think like this anymore, which is kinda sad...well.... not for the women out there who like/need/expect men to pay for outlandish and lavish purchases. But like Keri says, something turns me off about a dude who offers up his money all willy nilly like. For example, no lie, about 2 weeks ago, I was talking to a NEW acquaintance (remember I said NEW) that I met in NY not even 3 months ago...and in random fashion this man says to me, "so what do i have to do to see you again? i'm ready to send you a plane ticket to get you down here." Huh?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was too through. Needless to say, I had to explain some things him. It's obvious he had the wrong impression. =/ But doesn't that say a lot about his character? He doesn't even know me. What kind of women does he think I am?! What kind of character does he think I have? Did I do or say anything to make him think that was okay? Or is this normal? (Note to self - I really need to stop making "acquaintances" with random people just because we had a great conversation or they're extra nice. I'm a sucker for those things but... ya know.)

My father used to say to never accept a gift from a man because he's always expecting something in return. I think this is great advice when you're young as you really don't have the wisdom to discern the true intentions of a man yet. It's better safe than sorry to just say 'no thank you'. As you become older it becomes advice you can use as a basis in various situations. While it's not necessary to reject everything that a man gives you, i.e. if he's buying you a drink or treating you to something reasonable, that age-old advice can speak to you and your conscious when any gift-giving situation arises. It's a safety precaution if you will.

"Better recognize a real woman." I kinda don't want to say this for fear of a little backlash, but I'm going to say it anyway. If you're a real woman, you don't take money, trips, shopping sprees, etc. from men who 1) you are not married to and 2) who you don't know like that! Gold diggers, stop it! Just stop it! That is not okay! Be the kind of woman who CANNOT be bought. Be the kind of woman who can afford her own VVS 1.5 ct diamond studs! (ooh la la!) Ya heard?! And stop getting mad or assuming a man is cheap because he tells you no. Stand on your own two. Be an independent woman.

Now if your husband or fiance still has the word 'dutch' in his vocabulary, there may be a problem. Lol. And that's another subject for another day. =)

What are your thoughts? Do you disagree? Women - Have you ever accepted a gift from a man? How did it turn out? Men - If you've bought a plane ticket or a pretty expensive gift for a woman, what made you do so? Do you think you can buy a woman's happiness? Speak on it people.

J*Davey - Slooow (and More J*Davey)

From the very first time I saw J*Davey perform while living in LA, I was sold. I've always been a HUGE fan of J*Davey. Unfortunately I lost my CD of theirs and haven't been able to come across another copy in a while...and for some reason, I have no idea how I got it in the first place. So if anyone knows how I can download some J*Davey tunes, please let me know. Enjoy.




Update: More J*Davey. Also check out their new album review here and here. Buy "The Beauty of Distortion/The Land of the Lost" here.

Punch Drunk Love - So Fly

Punch Drunk Love - Common

What Is It About Keri?

Can anyone tell me? Cuz I just can't seem to take my eyes off of her. It's not like she's extra fabulous or wearing styles that I would done. She doesn't even sing all the well to me. Just looking at her doesn't do anything for me either. But for some reason, I'm really feeling her. I think my sis said it best when she said, 'Keri has swagger like a man.' Yes! The swag! She just has that "it" thing that you can't quite put your finger on. I didn't even notice this girl 3 weeks ago. But the more and more that I watch "Knock You Down" the more I stare at her. Lol. I'm just trying to figure it out. Can anyone help me? (If you haven't seen the video, scroll down a few posts.)

Irritated

There are a couple of things that I need to say. I didn't realize that I had pent up frustration in me but I guess I do.

There is this African guy who works in my group who is freaking me out. Everytime I look up, he's staring at me!! What n*&#!@ ?!! What in the world are you looking at!? I don't really need to work with him in any capacity except one, but he keeps on sending me these emails pertaining to things I don't do! You know that I don't touch billing dude! Come on. Leave me alone!

If one more person comments on the way I eat or don't eat, I'm going to scream. Why is it so abnormal that I like to eat "right" portions? No I don't like to have a whole bunch of stuff on my plate, nor do I like a whole bunch of food in my face. It overwhelms me. So what?! I don't value food like the typical Klump family member. Sue me. Geez! Actually, just like it would hurt a fat person's feelings to grab a chunk of their fat and comment on it, it hurts my feelings when people put their fingers around my wrist and looks at me oddly. I am NOT skinny. Slender yes, but not skinny. I wish people would stop acting like something is wrong with me. It is NOT okay.

I'm just venting. I deal with whatever though. It's just people. Imperfect people.

Spring Shopping

It's time to go shopping. You ready? I haven't bought a thing since I moved home so I think I deserve a treat. I want a ton of things but here's what I'm narrowing down on. I'm looking for fancy schmancy or unique sweaters, girlie blouses/shirts and some bad, tailored to fit dresses. Well actually, what I should be saying is that I need ONE fancy schmancy sweater, ONE blouse and ONE bad, tailored to fit dress, because I know there is no way I'm finding a dress for under $200. The sweater might even be a cool $50 if not more. The sweater pictured here, which I'm doing all I can not to buy, is $148. I don't understand. When did clothes come to be so expensive!? Oh wait... I lied. I went shopping with my sis last month and did some damage buying a new sweater and handbag. Oops. Never mind that though. I still need what I need.

So if you happen to know of a store that contains fabulous sheath dresses, beaded/flower-adorned sweaters and frilly ruffle tops, please let me know. I like to hit it and quit it, so one stop shopping is best.

Pink

Pink reminded me just how stunning her voice is. I love this woman.

Writing For Money

A magazine has decided to give my writing a test run and I have no idea what to write about. They're looking for a piece that is between 500 and 1,500 in word count and talks to one of the following topics. Faith. Health. Leadership. Relationships. Success. Teamwork. Wealth. Seems like it would be a no-brainer for me huh? Those topics are the very ones that this blog centers around. Seems as if I can write about some of these things in my sleep. This time though, I feel like I have nothing to say. However, even though I have nothing to say, my tactic (for when I do decide that I have something to say) is to keep it raw and honest. I've learned that when I let my heart beam from the page, it's always well taken. I have until the 25th to turn it in so I'm not really stressing right now, but I sort of would like to begin brainstorming. I wonder though. What would be more effective? Brainstorming and outlining an article or writing free off the dome like I normally do. Which one will stand out more? The intelligent thought-out article or the free passion-willed article? Gotta think about this one.

Happy Friday

Yeah yeah yeah! It's Friday baby! I don't care what anyone says. Today is the best day of the week, hands down. It doesn't even matter if I have to work or not. Just the fact that tomorrow is a different kind of day means the WORLD to me. Between Drake and Ryan Leslie, I don't know which one woke me up more. These dudes had me dancing into this office 15 minutes ago! Ha! I finally get to eat my bagels with cream cheese. While I was all snotted up, I refused to eat any dairy. But I think I'm well enough to put a little cream cheese on my cinnamon raisin bagel. Ya know? I mean can I get a little treat on a Friday?! Geez.

So what's good for this weekend? Wait. Let me check the weather first... Yahoo's creatives are off the hook. A blue glob just splatted all over the homepage due to the Monstors vs Aliens new Dreamworks movie. Cool idea. It sure enough got my attention. The movie is NOW PLAYING. Lol. Ok. It's supposed to rain all weekend. Cool. Not a problem. I just got a new lens and external flash. Perfect toys for being stuck inside. [My sister just hit me on the berry. She's slowly but surely falling in love with Drake. It's only a matter of time baby. He WILL capture your soul. He he he.] Back to what I was saying. We're supposed to do spring cleaning at the hall, but I guess the rain date is in effect now. They'll probably make an announcement tonight. What else is going on? Oh. Sis, mom and I have an Artistry Group LLC meeting tomorrow as well. Stay tuned on details for that one ya'll. Can't talk about it too much right now. But all this independent work I'm doing...photography...writing...creative...will be under Artistry Group. I'm excited to get this thing off the ground. I finally have a vested interest in its success. =) What else is up? Eh. I think that's it. I need to wash and do my hair of course. I wish I could go to the hairdresser. I'ma start back up once the first check comes in and the money starts flowing right. Bump all this WORK. I deserve to be pampered! Back in LA, I was the pamper queen. My hair was right all of the time and I never touched it. It's time to get back to the norm.

Idol was so good this week! It was Motown week so of course it was on point. Everyone is sooo good, but it's going to be between Allison and Adam. That 16 year old girl is no joke. And Adam... omg. Adam Adam Adam. See, the thing is that everyone can sing. We all know that. Everyone is on point. But what Adam has that no one else has is artistry. He's a student of music and it shows. He turns songs into pure magic. Megan (kwirky chic), Scott (blind boy) and Anoop (gimmick boy) need to go.

My sis just told me that Teedra's album, The Young Lioness, is out! WHAT! Lil j.a.c.! Find it fast! We have to learn all of the songs before next week! Aaaah! Lol.

I love music.

New Videos! Keri and Ciara

Which diva are you feeling more?

i'm not feeling ciara's. LOVE keri's.

Teedra Moses

http://www.instantseats.com/index.cfm?r=7FA6&fuseaction=home.venue&VenueID=58

him

you make me want to wait forever. although i know it's not possible, i think i'll try. i love you so much that i could probably climb mountains if you asked me to. consequently, walking up a down-trodden hill doesn't seem so hard. they say true love has no time limit. in that way, my patience has no end. i'm intrigued by what we could be. where our place is in the universe. will we be high every day and stay within the shade of the treetops, or live slightly below the waters where we can be consumed by the density of its space? will our rhythm be that of a steady and low 808 boom or of a sharp and quick high hat cymbal? will you do better than make love to me and make me believe that there is such a place as ecstasy? on the day to day, will you be the one to value reading by the lamplight right before bed time or me? will I be the wife who surprises you with a sweet treat or two? who will be the one to say i love you more? who will be the one to show their love more? ... i wait peacefully for our moment in the same way that i wait for a green light. you're a special kind of wild child covered in randomness. i'm ready to be your calm so we can win the race in this convoluted world. we need each other, i'm positive. just let me know so i don't have to wait forever.

happy friday!

good morning world!

lol. lmbo!

i'm laughing because if you compare my current attitude to yesterday's, you'd be laughing too. i'm just so glad that it's friday! i haven't had a t.g.i.f. moment in a while. mainly because everyday used to be friday. but regardless, i am so happy that i'm even eating breakfast! yep, i went to the deli and got me the breakfast platter. the breakfast platter ya'll! sausage, eggs, home fries AND toast. on a normal day, i'd chomp on a dry bagel or eat a yogurt and call it a morning. but not today! i'm excited about the prospect of sleeping in. normally i'd be in the ministry but if i dare step outside for some hours, i know i'll lose the progress i made. my head isn't as congested as it used to be and i'm keeping it that way. my WT is almost done so i don't have much to worry about tomorrow. i'm just going to be...

i can't believe it's almost april. remember when i said 'no men in the '09'? well, it's a little early to be saying this but, i don't want that to end! 2009 better slow down! i'm in a really good place right now. you know what i'm really worried about though? you know how we females are when we start liking and loving someone...we put everything and our all into him. that's just how we do. nothing comes before him. sometimes not even ourselves. keeping this 'detrimental' fact in mind, i feel like i wouldn't be able to balance Jehovah and a man. i've been in a situation where i put off God for a man and the results were grim to say the least. that's why i'm praying that i'll have as long as i need to cultivate my relationship with God so that He always remains number one in my life. but yeah, how to balance a relationship with a man and one with God remains somewhat foggy for me. hopefully by the time my future husband makes his intentions known, i'll have my foundation laid. the rest i can work on while in the relationship, cuz i'm sure it's going to take practice and some getting used to. feel me? BUT...check if i get into a relationship with someone who has the same spiritual convictions as me, there might not be an issue! hmm! what a concept! lol.

even though it may not look like it from this post, i have recently discovered that i have a hard time keeping it positive. when i'm down, like i was yesterday, i couldn't figure out how to pick myself up. i mean i know what i know. i know what i'm supposed to do and say, but i couldn't tie the knowledge to my actions. instead of focusing on the positive to pull me out of my slump, i dived into my work - so much so that i'm a lot further along in this monster of a report that the old girl used to be at this point in time. so i guess it all turned out fine, but i need to work on thoughts when things don't go as well as expected. what my friend said to me yesterday (see post below) was so right, but i was ghastly uninspired. =/ add this to the list of things to work on i guess...

one last thing. the fruit of the spirit i'm working on this month is self-control and i must say that i'm getting pretty good at it! i haven't even touched or thought of some of the things i had a problem with. yay me! i think the next fruitage i want to work on is... wait, gotta get the Bible out... long-suffering. no, that's too hard. lol. i think i'ma go for kindness and goodness since they're sorta related. those are two areas that i can definitely improve on.

alright peeps! have a great weekend and happy friday!!!

break

I had the morning from h-e-double hockey sticks. I don't even want to talk about it because I'm trying to make up for it. When I was on the phone crying this morning, I got some good advice. My friend said, "just take a few breaths and try to stay present. As you move to the next moment focus on the next task at hand. Try not to think about everything that needs to be done. Do your best to focus on one thing at a time. Remember, what you focus on is what you feel." So I'm taking that advice.

Even though I have a -$59,000 difference on this spreadsheet to figure out in less than an hour, I'm taking a break to focus on something more important. My health. It's slowly declining so when I came into work this morning I armed myself with Zicam, Tylenol Cold Head Congestion, tea and chicken noodle soup. When I get home, I'll get some orange juice and some much needed sleep to help build up my immune system. This cold will not win.

I am so looking forward to this weekend. I think I'm going to pull out of a commitment and rest instead. This job is a challenge and it's consuming a lot of my energy, so I need adequate time to rejuvenate. Besides, there's nothing better than a day to yourself. I miss the days when I could lay in front of the tv. I miss the essence of relaxation and what it means. Everyone told me to enjoy the time I had off, and I certainly did. It's a good thing I didn't take it for granted.

Back to work.

Ran-dumb Thoughts

Another day, another dollar.
I'm glad to be alive.
I have my monstrosity of heels today.
They actually hurt this time around.
I think it's because I've been walking on concrete and subway platforms this morning.
Normally, when I wear them, I'm on carpet or sitting down.
I'm not really hungry, but I'm going to eat a yogurt.
My boss just walked in.
She has on a skirt today with stockings.
I don't like stockings unless I'm wearing them for special occasion.
When you wear stockings to work, it looks like you're trying too hard to be professional.
It's just too formal.
I'm having lunch with an old colleague from high school today.
It's been 9 years since I've seen him.
He looks exactly the same though.
It's different seeing him "dressed up" instead of in the uniformed attire from school though.
He sent me a meeting notice for 12pm.
That's too early for lunch.
I need to have lunch at 1 or 1:30 so that when I come back, I don't have that many hours left to work.
Today and tomorrow are the last days that I have with the girl who trained me.
I better take advantage of them.
I really need to work hard these next two days.
But you all know that I'm lazy at heart. =)
Naw, I'ma do what I'm supposed to do.
Bet.
I'm keeping my buret on all day long.
I need to leave on time so that I can wash my hair tonight.
I guess I should pick up some shampoo and conditioner on my way in then.
That reminds me, I need to check and see when Sallie Mae will be stealing my money.
That may determine whether or not I can buy shampoo and conditioner. LOL.
March madness is upon us.
I need to do my brackets this evening.
Last year, I was in a bracket with three couples.
My mom and dad.
My sis and her boyfriend.
And me and my fiance.
Two out of three of those couples are currently non-existant.
Funny how life turns out.
Everything works out.
American Idol comes on tonight!
I get to watch it at the regular time too tonight since the meeting was yesterday.
That way I don't have to rush through everything so I can get to bed at a reasonable hour.
Oh, wait...my hair.
We'll see how fast I can get my hair done then.
What time does Idol come on anyway?
Ok, it comes on at 8pm.
So I have 2 hours to do my hair if I start the tivo at 8:30.
That works.
I can't wait to take the other girl's desk.
Everytime I look up, this African dude is starring at me!
My back needs to be turned to him FAST.
Get out my face dude!
Okay, yogurt tme.

One more thing.
I really do feel like I'm being cultivated right now.
I say this because I've always wanted to get married.
And I've prayed and prayed and prayed for it.
But one day, it hit me.
I'm not married because I'm not ready.
Especially for the type of spiritual head that I want.
I didn't possess the qualities that I was looking for in a mate.
So, I'm being cultivated right now.
I really feel a lot stronger than I used to be.
Even since when I was engaged.
Especially spiritually.
Believe it or not people, but I'm not even stressing anymore.
I know that sounds weird coming from me, but it's whatever.
The notion of being married doesn't even phase me anymore.
It's weird.
It's definitely because I have so many other things going on in my life.
I have no time to think about that.
Work is a struggle.
I have two or three side gigs that I'm trying to save money from for photography.
My studies take precedence over everything else, finally.
My weekends are even booked up already.
There's just no time.
But even if there was time, my mind is not there anymore.

This Is Stupid

I think I pulled a work-induced muscle. Is it possible to strain the muscle in your forearm by clicking a mouse? I haven't worked that muscle this hard in a long time. My arm isn't used to this kind of activity. It really hurts.

The spreadsheet I'm working on is 20,000 plus lines long. And do you know what I have to do with this spreadsheet? Go LiNe by lInE to determine what's changed from last week to this week. =O When Michelle was training me, she told me that it takes a lot of patience, but DANG. I called her over to my desk a little while ago to make sure I understood the procedure correctly. "Am I really required to do what I think I have to do?!" She looked at me with sad, puppy dog eyes and shook her head in the affirmative. She then explained why she hardly had a Thanksgiving and Christmas vacation. Shortly after, I texted T.G. "I don't think I can do this. I'd rather jump out of a window. I'm only on line 600! OMG! How am I going to do this?!" After he calmed me down, Michelle added that the report will no longer be this long. Instead of 21,000 lines, I'll only be dealing with 6,000. Mmm. Great. Or is it? Yes, 6K is drastically lower than 21K but too long is TOO LONG! So I hear that they're trying to automate this variance report. Well, how long has she been waiting!?!?!? What's the due date?! How much progress have they made?! Cuz I will NOT ruin my forearm muscles nor go insane for this report! In what world do you need to individual go through anything to highlight the changes from one week to the next? And if I pass out, what good will I be to them?

sigh.

we need a change.

Overwhelmed

It's already 5:30pm and I haven't even started on my hair. Mrs. Sampson wants me to update my resume tonight, my room is a mess, I haven't touched my The Wire dvds like I intended, there's a brand new Essence staring me in the face that I'm dying to read, I forgot to take all of my black dress pants to the cleaners, I have to get up early tomorrow to go to the grocery store for my yogurt and bagels for the office, the meeting is tomorrow instead of Tuesday, and I have no idea when I'll be getting my first check from work... It's just too much. I have so much on my mind.

I think I'm going to quit. I'm just not going to do anything for the rest of the night. Nothing is due right away so why even stress? Oh - that resume crap. Geez man! I don't even know if I want to do that job that she wants me to do! But I need it. I know I need it, but still... I don't like working with people who are just downright INSANE. She's going to annoy the mess out of me! I know it! I'm afraid that I won't have any time. And it's for accounting work! I HATE accounting work! Just because I know how to do it doesn't mean I want to! So please stop bugging me about some dag on debits and credits! UGH!

Woo-saaaaaaaaa

Ok. I turned in that resume. I'm going to lay down and look at the ceiling until my mind tells me to move.

I'm Back In Business Baby!

I got a job! Phew! The income situation was getting a little tight, but finally, the remedy is upon me. Starting tomorrow I will be a contracting Staff Accountant at Washington Post Digital doing basically the same work I was tasked with at Time Inc. My salary will remain essentially the same and I finally get to put that digital experience on my resume that I've been looking for. Isn't that great?! An interview is not necessary as my new manager is familiar with my work and has placed me as her top pick. Geah! This manager, the colleague I worked with during our days at Time who I was often in touch with during my months of unemployment, warned me however. She explained that the environment and morale are not what I'm used to. The department has been hit hard by not only the recession but a lack of organization, sooooo they are now in code red rebuilding mode. Hmmm... *pointer finger to my left temple* Let me see. Do I mind that basically this place that I'm stepping into is a mess? Well... For some odd reason, not so much! I've worked with grass roots orgs that didn't have much organization for a yearly salary of free ninety-nine, so I think I have enough patience to hang in there when I'm getting paid enough to cover all of my bills and have a little extra in my pocket. The blessing really lies in the fact that my position is contract hire. My manager so kindly told me that although she's been thinking about me for a while, she didn't want to throw me into just any position considering the circumstances. She wanted me to have a temporary to permanent situation just in case I decided I wanted to walk (or run) down a different avenue. Flexibility at it's best! Now that's what I'm talking about. I'd have to say that was some good lookin' out. It's very nice to know that there are people out there on my side.

During my time off, I have done a lot of thinking about what I really want to do with my life (photography, writing, non-profit work) and thus have begun to make adjustments. Although I will now be working 45 per week for the Washington Post, these adjustments will not be put on hold. My mother said something really profound a while ago. When asked what she does for a living, my mother tells people that she trains and mentors youth. Now is that her 9 to 5? Nope. During the day, she works for fleet acquisitions at Verizon, but she doesn't even consider this as her occupation. I have decided that I am going to ascertain the same thought process. So what do I do? I provide creative services to the public in the form of photography and writing and I do all I can to promote programming that supports youth empowerment. So with that in mind, I am my own enterprise. Since I already do all of the work, I have determined that j.a.consulting's (I just made up that company name and I kinda like it!) clients are WashingtonPost.Newsweek Interactive, Kiamsha, PEN or PENCIL, hopefully Infinite Investor and Chris Leeann Boutique. I'm turning my skills into an industry honey. They say entrepreneurship is the way to go right? Well here it is. Today is the beginning of the best career of my life.

Help Wanted! In Need of Inspiration! If You Have Some, Please Donate!

Yo! You know what it is?! I'm lazy by nature! It's so sad but true. I, j.a.c., am a LAZY person. That's a problem right?

Well what saves me is that I'm not apathetic. I'm never apathetic. I always care. Which is why I'm realizing that INSPIRATION IS MY STRENGTH, as spinach is to Popeye's. The only way I get things done is through inspiration!

So let me tell you why I'm inspired right now. Who would have thought!!! BET inspired me!!! "Harlem Heights" got me ya'll. (If you haven't seen the first two episodes, view them here.) I was sitting here this morning like MAN. I really need to get it together. These young people are really doing it. What's weird though is that the ladies didn't really inspire me. Their attitudes killed whatever I could have taken from them. But the men! Oh the men are on point. Especially the part with Landon and Jason mentoring ex-cons. What?! Now that's what's up. They made me realize why I do what I do.

What else gets me inspired? The Bible. Sometimes I read stuff that just gets me. Seriously. That makes my heart swell to the point where it feels like it's going to pop out of my chest like some cartoon. I have a couple of favorite scriptures that keep me on track. I probably need to type them up, print them in bold 50 size font and paste them on my walls.

Music inspires me. Drake's "Lust for Life"?! Hello! You have to have a lust for life, and whenever I listen to that song, it makes me want to get off of my behind and actually lust after what I want. You need to be hungry. Songs have the ability to make me hungry. Whether it's hungry for life, hungry for love, hungry for a good time, or hungry for the art of music and dance itself.

Inspiration definitely plays a roll in the way I dress. Fashion and style are really important to me (that's the first time I've said that - aha moment for me) so I'm always looking out and above to see what's new. I need to see the work of designers to create my own vision. Their views do so much for me. I appreciate a designer's abilities.

Most importantly, to move me, I need to see the ones who have done it already. I need a strong, positive example. I need to see someone workin' it out (like the peeps in "Harlem Heights".) That's a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing in that I can at least identify where my inspiration comes from. Bad in that it limits my prospects of becoming a pioneer in a subject. If I'm always being led, I might never become "the first". But I don't know if I care. I'm not interested in doing anything for the money, so being "first" so I can capitalize on it is not really an issue for me. I'm not trying to win a super spotlight. I just want to do things that make me happy. I want to be fulfilled. But what's cool is that there's always a way to see what someone else has done, and put your own take on it. That way you become a true pioneer for yourself. Ah ha!

Another thing I need to touch on... I'm always saying that I need to get it together. I'm really hard on myself at times. I keep forgetting that it just might be quite possible that I already have it together. I have a lot of things going for myself that I tend to overlook. I have the credentials, I have the experience, I have Bible knowledge, I have a creative gene that most people don't have, I already work with a youth empowerment organization, I'm talented, I've been successful in 2 different states in this country already, I'm passionate, I'm happy with my shoes and bags (lol), and I have a bangin' family. All I need now is to take everything to the next level. I'm blessed that I have the support to do that.

But still... I NEED INSPIRATION. Anything and everything that has the potential to inspire... music, the autobiography of a photographer, a picture of a stylish woman, a quote or scripture, a heart to heart personal email (and not a forward that I'll delete), little pieces of happiness.... Anything. I need it. I need it to survive. I need it to excel!

Question for You: What helps you to excel? For some it's encouragement. For others it simply comes from meditating on where you came from in an effort to do better. Some just have it in them - that raw talent. So you tell me...what helps you succeed?

Chrihanna

It's rumored that after less than a month from "the incident", Rihanna and Chris Brown are an item once again.

Hmm... How do I feel about this? (Since the world is talking about it, I better get my take finally.)

Well, the first thing I have to say is that I don't know the full situation, nor do I expect to, so it's hard to put my twist on it when I'm not in it. I actually like it when my name is Benit (and I'm not in it). But of course, I have an opinion on the matter.

In yesterday's convo about the situation, my mom started to ask the questions that a woman should ask when contemplating a reunion with someone who physically hurt you. 'Is he a beater?' 'Does he have a problem?' 'What are his emotional issues?' 'Did he seek counseling?' 'How long has he been in counseling?' I started to laugh when my mother threw these questions out. I said, "Mom. You are in your 40's. Rihanna is 21 for crying out loud!" Lol. I'm not going to say that RiRi isn't a smart lady, but for some inkling, I don't believe that RiRi is going to sit down, or has sat down, and really thought this out. She just turned 21. She doesn't even know what being 21 is yet. When you're young and in your first, serious relationship, the only thing that matters is love. And not even love in the true sense and definition of the word, but love as it relates to emotions and goosebumps and all the little, special moments. That's what really matters to a 21 and 19 year old couple. I don't believe that either of them are old enough to see the deep set damage that this has caused to both of them. Like I said, I don't know the whole situation, but I'm sure that both of them should take some time out to ask themselves and their loved ones a WHOLE lot of questions. But when you're young, you're not going to view your mate selection like a 26 year old woman would. The average 20 year old is not going to ask the boy standing before her if he can impact her mentally, provide for her financially, support her emotionally, cherish her physically, and uplift her spiritually. That's just not the criteria at that time in a woman's life! And if what we're seeing is what it looks like, it's certainly not RiRi's criteria. They look good together, they have deep emotions for each other, they're both successful entertainers who fit together, and they have a good time together. Apparently, that's all they need right now. Is it okay? Eh. I don't know. Normally I would say yes, because they're young, but when situations get dangerous, you're kind of forced to grow up a little quicker. The innocence is officially gone and there's no turning back.

RiRi and Chris will grow up. Hopefully their way of thinking and decision-making skills will progress with age. Actually, I pray that they will.

Side note: I am officially one of those old farts who say "they're young! they don't know any better!" I wanted to cut the people's throats who used to talk about me in this way. I've stepped over into the dark side. Oh geez. =(

Drake and Other Ran-dumb Thoughts

I'm listening to Drake's mix tape So Far Gone.
I keep hearing about this thing so I figured I need to get up on my game.
I like what I'm hearing so far.
It's not typical.
Gotta reach past the typical and Drake's seeming to do that.
I had one of those deep conversations last night that leaves you feeling stressed out.
But we prayed at the end so it was all good.
Praying always makes me feel better.
When I'm done with this blog, I'm going to apply for another job.
I applied to the ones I really want so now it's time to apply for the ones that provide a simple paycheck.
It appears as if I might be a substitute teacher for a kindergarten class.
My cousin is a principal and needs help.
Three of her teachers are no longer available for some reason.
Doesn't that seem weird?
How does a kindergarten teacher all of a sudden become unavailable?
Maybe she had an accident.
I'm feeling a certain kind of way.
Not sure what that 'way' is though.
I'm just here.
Not really feeling a drive or a purpose.
I need to get rid of that feeling.
Do I feel a lull in my life?
I'm not sure if that's what it is.
I just feel blank, if that makes sense.
Is it weird that I don't want to talk about what I'm doing?
People say that you're supposed to promote yourself and put your stuff out there.
But...
I don't want to.
Maybe that's why certain things haven't happened for me yet.
I just don't want there to be any expectations from anyone.
No pressure.
I want to do what I do for the love of it.
And if I decide not to publish it to the world, then that's okay too.
Expectations take away from the enjoyment.
Drake and Lloyd are singing together.
I like this.
I really like Lloyd.
Alright, I'ma be honest.
I'm feeling like I'm missing someone.
And all I really want is a hug.
I want to press my face into his neck and that's it.
Just breath him in with my eyes closed and then go home.
I need a hug.
But that's neither here nor there because he's in another state.
Moving on.
Yo, I love Drake's voice.
I prefer him as a singer more than a rapper.
But really, he does both quite well.
Tomorrow I'ma see if I can go up to the Black Cat and get my ticket to the Foreign Exchange's show.
J'Davey is performing too.
Haven't seen them in a LONG time.
Can't even find any music from them online.
I would love to hear their new stuff.
Now that it's March, it's time to do my taxes.
I want to get them done next week.
I seriously can use a check from the government.
Throw that whole bad boy on my credit card.
This is not time to play games with debt.
I have things I wanna do in the near future.
What if a significant other said that they couldn't marry me until I got rid of my debt?
I would be shocked, but oddly enough, I would understand.
There's no way I'm getting rid of my student loan debt any time soon, but I understand being free of credit card debt.
These thoughts just put a little fire underneath of me.
Gotta grind.
Why is it easier to do things for someone else than it is to do things for myself?
I'm motivated when it comes to other people.
But what happens when it's time to take care of myself?
My mom and dad sat with me for a while and helped me pull together some ideas.
My dad's telling me I need to knock down some doors and get what I want.
The way I usually do that is through higher education, but the parentals are telling me that I don't necessarily need that.
I'm not one with a whole lot of connections.
I have them, but I'm not really into thinking about people as connects.
Human beings are human beings.
Drake is doing it again.
He's turning up the vibe quotient.
"I forgot to call you on your birthday."
Go head, big head.
My mother used to say that it's far better to have someone be into you more than you're into them.
In a discussion, I attempted to explain that it's usually easier for a woman to be "into" a man.
That kind of stuff comes easily to the female gender.
So when a man comes around who's crazy about you, who's really into you, who wants everything for you, you should hold on to him.
A man in love is a rare and beautiful thing.
A man in love is a diamond.
Drake and Omarion?!
Shutup.
Now you know.
I have a friend who's falling in love.
He's never been in love before so he's uncomfortable with the feeling.
He told me, "I don't know what's happening to me."
He said that he doesn't know if he can do it.
I told him to do him then.
He said, "But I don't even want to look at anyone else."
When that jones comes down, it's a mother#^*#@&.
He is officially caught between a rock and a hard place.
He wanted to know if it's worth it.
Feeling as vulnerable and open as he does.
Ladies and gentleman, tell me, what's life without love?
Do you know that there are places popping up in the US called "Tent Cities"?
Due to home loss, people are now gathering in parks where they can pitch tents and live there.
Regular, middle class folks like me living in tents with no running water, electricity, or transportation.
What is going on with this recession?
I keep thinking about the Great Depression.
I wonder if they kept statistics on how many people committed suicide during that time.
"Is anything I'm doing brand new?" asks Drake.
Let's talk about the need to keep things fresh and sexy.
Don't let your relationships become boring people.
There's no need to let your relationship climax drop so low that you forget what it's like to have your heart race.
Don't let it become too late.
Apply the concept to family and friendly relationships too.
Surprise someone with a random act of kindness.
Live to put a smile on someones face, ya heard?
What I like about this mixtape is that he uses it as a platform to do everything.
If you sing and rap, you normally tend to clump all of your melodies into one bucket and your hip hop bars in another.
Why?
Mesh that mess together.
Make it unique.
I always said that if I made an album, I'd need a little bit of rock, and little bit of Coltrane inspired jazz, a little Coldplay/Radiohead/Frou Frou sounding tune, some crazy Gnarles Barkley like stuff, and a diva track or two.
Put it all on there.
Must there always be a string that ties everything together?
Do you always have to have a theme?
Make it random too.
I'm all about spontaneity.
Houstonatlantavegas by Drake.
It's the last song.
I'm officially addicted to this mixtape.
I need another round of listening.
Nite people.

Photography by j.a.c.

Yesterday's sky was absolutely beautiful.
Today's sky wasn't as magnificant.
But it doesn't matter because I still have yesterday.
Yesterday isn't going anywhere.
It's locked in a vault somewhere near.
There's no way that it can fade.
I've captured what I loved most about yesterday.
The tranquility of that random moment.
I will always have a piece of the past.
It's not going anywhere.
That piece remains just for me.

Brainstorming - Masters?

My sister and I have always tossed around the idea of producing our own magazine. When we see magazines related to topics of our interest, we get disappointed. "We could have done this J!" While working at Essence, I grew an affinity for magazines that present meaningful issues. Ones that not only entertain but educate.

I am a photographer. I haven't been honining my skills as I would like to partly due to circumstances and partly due to laziness and a lack of drive. But as I toured the exhibit of the National Museum of African-American History and Culture and saw all of Addison, George and Robert Scurlock's photographs, I became jealous. "This is what I should be doing." Portraits of prominent members of the DC society, famous landmarks of my native home, and images of the upwardly mobile African-American DC community made me believe that I was slacking. As I stood looking at the photos, I had a flashback to another exhibit where I felt this same feeling. The Gordon Parks exhibition another Smithsonian museum.

I am a writer. I know that I need to put my hands in the dirt and sharpen my creative writing skills. I keep telling myself that I belong in a writing workshop. The idea of gathering special written pieces I have churned out have been haunting me.

During my time in the publishing industry, I often stuck my nose where it didn't belong and got a hold of a few PR and advertising presentations that thrilled me. My sister went to school for PR and communication and I'm always interested in what she learned. Wouldn't it be a step in the right direction if I just learned it myself?

So writing, photography, publishing, PR, communication...
Masters Program...
In the DMV area...
I need to be able to dabble in all areas...
How am I going to pay for a masters?

Howard University - Department of Journalism, Radio/TV/Film, and Communication & Culture
Mass Communication & Media Studies Program
This program allows me to take classes at other schools within the Metropolitan Washington Consortium of Schools & Colleges....
Perhaps I can get my photography instruction from a school within that collection?

And I would finally get to go to a HBCU!

Just thinking.

Re-Post : Knight In Shining Armor

Goodness gracious! I can't believe I wrote this. I should go back and read some of my stuff more often. This is from July 2007. Enjoy.


"he left it all behind. for the sake of our love. nothing could keep us apart. not distance. not time. nor money. he loved me more than life itself. so he showed up at my door. across the country. with calla lilies and a letter. in his back pocket a ring. you are my perfect view. you are my soul. you are more than everything. perfection for me. so passionate and vigilant. my knight in shining armor. coming to fly me away. standing on my doorstep. kidnapping my heart. you told me to come. so here i am. join with me your love. i swear it'll never end. he came to get me. just like i knew he would. i prayed and prayed. just as promised. finally, my reward. a perfect dream's end. fantasies fullfilled. a girl's hearts content. do i dare ever stop dreaming?

Ladies, I don't care who you are, I know for certain that all of you want a knight in shining armor. We all want our guys to ride in on white horses and save us from the burning tower. We all dream of him saying the perfect thing - telling us that he'll always be there and can't live without us. We all want him to take us in his arms and never let go. It really doesn't matter if you've never met him, if you're currently with him, or you've gone your separate ways, 99% of us crave for that man to run to us on some magical whim. We dream of him 'getting it' one day; of having some life-altering revelation and choosing us over everything else. We fantasize that he'll run out the door and break all barriers and obstacles to catch up to us. Remember that scene in Love Jones where Daruis runs through the train station in hopes of catching Nina? That's what you want, isn't it? Believe me, I know. We crave for men to have that burning passion for us that makes it sure he'll do anything and everything; that he won't take no for an answer. You want him to tell you that he understands, he grew, and he changed. Even if you haven't said anything, you want him to magically know your heart's desires and say that he gets it. You want him to say that he's an idiot, and he would be even more of an idiot to loose you or let you walk away. You want your man to run up to you with passion in his heart and tears in his eyes, bearing his entire soul. Men ask us all the time what we want. They tell us to just tell them what to do. Fortunately, the answer is pretty universal. It's pretty much the same for all of us. We want a knight in shining armor. We want him to 'get it' and then proceed to overcome mountains to save us. It's no secret that we're emotional, fantasy-driven, human beings. But in this day and age, we surpress it. We resort to believing there are no fairytales. When we look around, we fall back to remembering that knights in shining armor do not exist. We remind ourselves that this is the real world and not a movie or fantasy land. There are no Nina Mosley's and Darius Lovehall's. So we keep our heads up and we keep pushing on. We sew our hearts back together and pray for the best. Silently, we pray that one day we get a slight taste of what it's like to live in a dream... To all my strong ladies who are waiting for your knight in shining armor, I pray that one day you'll see your dream. Until then, live your life full of love and passion. You shall have your heart's desire. If you don't believe, I'll do all the believing for you."

Sporadic Life Lessons

I have so much to say, and none of it is related. Here it goes.

My ex-fiance sent me a message the other day. We haven't talked in a while so it was a very bittersweet note. In it, he mentioned how we must be getting over each other because it's getting a little easier to be apart. He made it known however that he still wishes we would have gotten married and that he thinks about me everyday. His note got me thinking about the idea of heartbreak, because sadly, it's something I associate with him. Yes, we shared some great times and I have plenty of happy memories with him, but the lasting emotional ride I took with him was one of terrible, terrible pain. When I think back to the weeks and months after we broke up, I have to stop and catch my breath. Flashing back, I remember laying on the bed in the den curled up into a tight ball, seeing through blurs of tears. Streams and streams of tears. I wanted to rip my heart out of my chest just so I might have the hope of living again. I had never experienced a pain like that. Not even when I was recooperating from surgery. It is with that experience that I have promised myself that I will NEVER hurt that like again because of my own choices. I ultimately hurt myself by risking everything and by following my heart and not my head. Now, today on this day, I can say that I am so smart. So S-M-A-R-T when it comes to men. No no no. I don't think you understand me. I mean smart in the true essence of the word smart. As in having or showing quick intelligence or ready mental capability. There is nothing wishy washy about where my next decisions will lead me in terms of men. All the guessing work in this stuff we call relationships has been eliminated.

The ski trip was fun, but it was filled with so much debauchery. The Eastern Light Getaway vacations are more so for people who are looking to get away and cut as loose as humanly possible before returning to work on Monday. When I say that people were getting it in, I really mean they were Getting It In. I can't even talk about some of the stuff that went on but just know that I had to sit down a few times out of shock. My genre of party is definitely more grown and classy than what I got on this trip. I'm not knocking anyone though! I can tell that people had the absolute time of their lives, which is great. It's just that my idea of partying didn't mesh well with the environment. But all in all, I had a good time with my girls. I'm not a snob so it's not hard to make memories and have some good laughs when you are in good close company, even when everyone around you is acting absurd. I think that's the key to a lot of situations, and maybe to life in general. Just be yourself, and enjoy your days no matter what's going on around you. Let people be who they are. It's no one else's business to judge another. Feel me?

I think I'm beginning to master the quality of patience. Well not master, but it's coming a lot easier to me now-a-days. No matter whether it's in the areas of job or love, I'm sitting pretty. I could easily jump into something right now within both of the areas I mentioned above, but for some reason, I'm extremely calm and am really getting this idea of having a waiting attitude. I certainly did not used to be like this. The last time I was on the hunt for a job, I was under so much pressure that I stressed myself out about it. When I did not get the job at Mattel, I cried my eyes out. After interview after interview after interview with company after company, I became so frustrated at my situation and made myself so unhappy that I walked out of work one day and had to take a week of sick leave. I remember crying on the phone to my mother, who was 3,000 miles away, that I wanted to be fullfilled doing something that I love and it was unfair that I had to wait so long to get it. Who would have known that less than 3 months later, I would be working at Essence. I could have avoided a lot of maddening moments if I would have been patient. So that is my resolve. To be patient. To apply that to my situation now, I have to display that waiting attitude. I know that I will be taken care of, so there's no need to make myself sick about anything. Not even about finding love. Speaking of love though... I'm pretty sure that I've found love. I just have to wait for them to find God. Lol. And that, my friends, is a whole 'nother discussion for a whole 'nother day. =)

I'm going to read "Get Yours!" again. I need a little inspiration.

Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, New York, Fall 2009 Collections

I am peppering my day of laundry, packing for my ski trip, and doing my hair with New York's Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week runway shows for the Fall 2009 Collections. All of the designers have not yet premiered their line (still waiting on Zac Posen, Calvin Klein, Christian Siriano, Custo Barcelona and Ralph Lauren), but I already have my pick of favorites. I very much love a designer who knows how to create the look of a powerful woman and/or a classy lady. These designers below do that for me. Take a look at their shows using the links below.



Carolina Herrera - My mouth was open the entire time. STUNNING. This is by far the richest- looking line I have ever seen in my life. Those pant suits/ensembles! OMG. I want one now!

Badgley Mischka - These men surely do know how to dress a woman. There's a simplicity about the elegance that I adore. The line is not too in your face, but it definitely stands out.

Diane von Furstenberg - DVF gets a little animal and tribal inspired in her line, which made the show pop. Her line is definitely for the younger consumer like me. DVF created a fun line this time around.

Narcisco Rodgriguez - I've been a fan of his ever since T.C. bought me his perfume. But as for the line, can you say BOLD?! I have to say that his line was probably the most creative. The white tights, the yellows, the hoods, THE HAT, the hot pink splashes. That black and white coat with the pink accents...FIERCE. Even the runway disposition was neat.

Max Azria - This line has a futuristic and hard edge to it that I like, i.e. the skinny, black pants with the booties and the long, leather gloves. There's lots of sheer and lace combinations going on in here, which I wouldn't mind working into my wardrobe somehow.

BCBGMaxAzria (honorable mention) - Because I've always been a fan of the soft with the hard, I love love love the gold (and sometimes grey) leggings and clunky platform shoes/booties paired with the softness of the clothes.

And just because...
Barbie Runway Show - This is quite interesting now isn't it? lol.

I'm expecting big things from Zac Posen and Christian Siriano, so I'll keep you posted.

Spring/Summer Fashion Necessities

With NY Fashion Week on the roll as we speak, I was motivated to take a look at last season's fashion shows and pick out some staple themes from the spring line. I looked at a lot of shows and came up with the following 5 must havs for the upcoming season. Enjoy and happy shopping!


White Out - This is one staple that I've been thinking about for a long time. I need an all white affair.

Flower Power - A must have for any female this spring season.

Layered and Lax - This theme is my favorite by far. I would easily wear this style to work and still be classy. Lovin the last look in this section.

Shortie Do Wop - Shorts are back. Buy you a short set soon!

Onsies - Two pieces are out. Cover it up under the sun.

Job To Career To Passion

Alert! Alert! My money is looking REAL funny people! This is not good. When I looked at my account this morning, I had to suck in a large breathe of air to keep from passing out. It's always amazing to me how you can have so much money one day, and none the next!! What is that all about? Well it is abundantly clear. It's time to get on my grind. I'm unpacked, my room is cute, all the suitcases are in the attic, and my car situation is handled. It's time to find a job. *grumble grumble* I hate this process. I did good this morning though. I spent a few hours looking for jobs and found a couple that I thought fit me. Beggars can't be choosers, but I'm extremely picky when it comes to where I'll work. I just can not be bored. If I am bored, I'll die. I'm serious! I'll die! I found a job in particular that would be perfect. It's at the Washington Post. I want it soooo bad, that I even contacted an old co-worker from Time Inc. who now works there and asked if she could slip my cover letter and resume on the hiring manager's desk. It's not a game people! I want this job!

My sister starts work tomorrow. We've been chillin together for a while, but she's going back on her money grind before she goes away to start training for her Teach for America position. It was nice to have her around. I probably came home at the perfect time...when my sister didn't have a job and my dad was off on medical. If I moved home and was the only bum, then I would've have felt like a loser. But for all of us, each day blended into the next. It was cool. But with four grown adults in one house, it was inevitable that issues would arise. There's one going on right now that I pray subsides, but I don't know. We'll see what happens. Thankfully I'm watching from the sidelines on this one.

(A huge advantage of being home was that I got into a nice little routine for my personal Bible study stuff. I don't think I've ever done so much Bible reading, meditation, research and studying in my life. It's helped me too. I feel like I'm filled. Prayerfully, when I get a job, I can keep the routinue and stay just as spiritually educated. But now that I've felt the benefits from study and meditation, I'll do my best to incorporate them no matter how busy my schedule gets.)

Did I tell you that I'm interested in photojournalism? Well kinda. I don't necessarily want to write about the topics that most photojournalists shoot. I can't see myself shooting a group of young Iraqi boys with machine guns on their backs to write a story about the atrocities of the war going on right now. Or maybe I can. Cuz I have some things to say about wars. I'm not sure yet. But I more so want to take pictures of things that hit me and mean something to me. The beautiful things of the world whether sad or joyous. I don't want the pressure of seeking out the most desperate images to snag a story. I walk to be able to walk around with my camera on my back and shoot at my leisure with no particular story in mind. I need freedom to enjoy the art of photography and then put my own randome words to it. But either way, I need to get into some classes as soon as I find a job. Work, class, church, Kiamsha and dance. That exactly what I'll need. Nice and busy. Just like the good old times.

If I wrote and published a book, would you buy it? Someone has mentioned the idea to me before, but it came up again yesterday. I don't know the first thing about publishing a book, but all it takes is a little bit of research right? I probably would do an assortment of things in the book for coffee table purposes. My very own coffee table book. How intriguing!

My Favorite Song on Bey's Album - Halo

Beyonce - Halo - live at the NAACP 2009
by mohsam_mw

Cot Dang!

Lookie Here. Lookie Here!

L.A.M.B. Felix Sandal

"The Lord Disciplines Everyone He Loves" - Heb. 12:6

God is a good God. How do I know? Because there have been times when I have seriously done God dirty. And it's just sad because He doesn't ask for much. Obedience is pretty much it, coupled with exclusive devotion. It's not like He asks me to heal the physically diseased like Jesus did or to walk miles and miles across the desert in some thin, leather sandals to preach to the Texans or Californians. He's not asking me to go to Pakistan and face the al-Qaida in the likeness that He asked Moses to face the Egyptians. Nor is He asking me to eat only of the vegetation like He asked Adam and Eve to do in the garden. Jehovah God (J.G.) has given me so much and asked for so little in return. So it bothers me when I reflect and think about the times when I couldn't even give Him the time of day. There are specific situations that I can remember where I deliberately told Jehovah no and did whatever it was that I wanted to do. For example, J.G. told me not to get involved with certain people who did not feel the same way about God as I did. But did I listen? Nope. I thought that I could handle it. I thought that I was strong and big and invincible, but on the contrary, I was weak, small and destructible. To this day, I can feel the pain that I felt from getting involved way beyond what was required of me. It's a pain that I can not for the life of me seem to forget (which means that obviously I'm not supposed to). But when I think of all the consequences that I've suffered for trying to be big and bad and for deliberately disobeying J.G., I think of how refined I have become. Follow me for a second while I try to explain this. Por favor. Because I'm a female and into the pretty lady things like bags, makeup and nail polish, I think of myself like a fingernail. When I fail to take care of my nails, my nails become chipped and damaged. In the same way, when I fail to listen to J.G.'s counsel, I likewise become damaged and just plain ugly. My insides (heart, soul, mind, etc.) become just as tainted as my nails look, which is not a good look at all. So of course, when your nails become a hot mess, the first thing you do is look for a nail clipper or a nail file to refine them; to cut off and file down the cracks, chips and unevenness. Now, because I like long and healthy nails, I always become a little melancholy for the minute and a half when I find myself having to cut my nails down. It just sucks. But after I've done so, they look 100x better, and then I feel better again. The same is true with me. The consequences that I have to endure for being disobedient are like the friction that a nail file causes on a nail. The consequences for the most part are painful, especially since I may have to cut down or cut out some things, but after the refinment process is done, after I've gotten rid of the cracks, I look and feel so much better! Have you ever noticed that nails do not grow when they are damaged? Well I do not grow when I am damaged either. After the nails are cut and filed, it is a fact that they grow faster and stronger than before. In the same way, after I am disciplined and have dealt with the consequences, I can grow faster and stronger than before. I think the Bible says it best at Hebrews 12:11 when it reads, "True, no discipline seems for the present to be joyous, but grevious; yet afterward to those who have been trained by it it yields peacable fruit, namely, righteousness." Another translation says, "We don't enjoy discipline when we get it. It is painful. But later, after we have learned our lesson from it, we will enjoy the peace that comes from doing what is right." Notice how Hebrews 12:11 makes a promise. It says that afterwards, if we learn from it, we WILL have peace. Now that's a blessing. Even if we mess up, we can still have peace. In the words of baby Hilton, that's hot. Now of course that doesn't mean that we can keep disobeying and expect that later on you'll get that peace back. My man J.G. ain't no fool. He knows your heart and knows when you're playing Him.

So Jehovah, since I know You discipline the ones that You love, thank You for disciplining me. It let's me know that You have not left me out here to live in this craziness all by myself. And if You were to leave me, I wouldn't be as healthy, as cared for, and as fortunate as I am. Thank You for always being there. Through Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

Chatter

It's been a while since I've posted. Not much to tell though. I've just been wrapping my mind around my transition. I'm pretty busy. Didn't think I would be, but that's the way life goes. My spirit is still pretty quiet. No nervousness or large volumes of energy pumping through my veins. It's different. I'm learning to agree with it. My family helped me create a sanctuary of a room. I feel like I'm living in a hotel in the French quarter. I could stay in here forever. There's a picture of Audrey Hepburn on my wall. A black and wite one where the only dash of color is her red lips to match my red comforter. The picture is intoxicating. Her beauty is matchless. She makes me want to look like her. Last night's meeting was full of newness. A new this and a new that. I like newness. As I've come to learn myself, I even like change. My Nana said that she's glad I'm back home. She says that I have an opportunity to build a foundation. She's right. So building it is. I have a recurring dream that I wish I could get rid of. I've only had it maybe 4 times in the last past year, but I had it again last night. It's one of those dreams where just before I see his face, I wake up. It always leaves me empty. My pms has been bad this month. Emotion-wise that is. I go from angry to frustrated to happy to calm to hurt in the matter of a day. I'm so glad that it's a temporary situation. No matter what, if I keep remembering that in reality I'm having a quieted spirit time of life, I'll be okay. I'll be better than okay. During pms, nothing is reality. Soon enough, it'll be time to put my professional j.a.c. on. I've had a break from her for a while, but I feel her silently knocking on my door. I think I'm ready. Or at least I'll be ready when her silent knocking because rude and heavy pounding. I think the only reason I want to work is so I can afford photography school. I have about eight bags hanging off hooks on my wall. And about 20 belts hanging beside them. My short beaded necklaces are crowding my closet doorknob and the long ones are hidden behind the belts. Accessories are everything. My mother told me that I didn't need all of the shoes that I have. I told her that I do. I keep thinking about this specific feathery headpiece that I want. That's my next purchase. Hopefully it's under $30. Tv wise, Mondays and Tuesdays are my favorites. Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, The City, Daddy's Girls and Privileged. I really like being a lady. There are so many benefits to being one. Too many. I really can't explain it. Fini.

The Most Beautiful Flower

I am the most beautiful flower in the entire world.

When men see me, touch me, smell me, understand me, they can't help but to fall in love.

I don't mean for them to though.

Because I know what's going to happen.

When it's time for them to go, their hearts will be crushed.

They'll be swept by unswerving sadness.

They all want to know why.

Why can't we just be.

But I'm the most beautiful flower in the entire world.

My exquisteness must be matched.

No regular man can survive.

No measure of mediocrity can I accept.

I have a way in which I can save their hearts.

The venom inside of my petals can drive them away.

Even before they have a chance, I can make them hate me.

But I never use my weapon of destruction.

I'm addicted to the affection I receive.

Nor can I bear to have someone hate me.

Then, if hated, would I be the most beautiful flower in the world?

Nevertheless, I don't like breaking hearts.

Instead, I want them to realize that there's more.

A beauty like mine should be the norm.

Settling for a rose is not enough.

Settling for her is not enough.

Require a hire existance just like I have.

So while I break hearts, I also change lives.

Is that a good trade-off?

Do you think that's enough?