Angry Black Women

I asked my co-worker how her weekend was. Expecting a canned answer, I was surprised when she said "BAD". I stopped, turned around and proceeded to ask questions in order to understand why her weekend was so bad. She told me that she was just mad. Mad all weekend. So mad that she's been praying for God to take away the angry spirit that's within her. For some reason, that sparked something in me because I could 100% identify. I immediately wanted to give her a hug and tell her that I know how she feels. I too was just mad for whatever reason just last week. I don't know if this is true of all women or just African-American one's like my co-worker and myself, but we can be some angry women at times! And just angry for no reason. No reason at all. If your man doesn't say the perfect thing, you get angry. If your money's not right, you get even more angry. If your hair doesn't lay right, you get angry again. If someone smiles at you, you get angry to the 10th degree. I believe that this mad streak is about more than just PMS. I believe it dates back way into time when we were strong and mad for a reason. Discrimination, civil rights, slavery... As a result of so much struggle, us women have a deep, red, thick blood running through our veins. It's not easy penetratable and can even grow cold if need be. But, yeah. To be just mad... I know the feeling. I'm glad she mentioned that she was praying though. It's all you can do when you're mad for no apparent reason. Men may feel like being mad for no apparent reason is some sort of craziness but it's not. I promise you, it's not. But anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. All I can really say is that I understood. I understood her. An angry black woman to another. I understood.

Morning Thoughts

It's your choice. You choose whether today will be better than yesterday. Or you can choose to wallow in the same crap you did yesterday. I choose to forget about yesterday and to burrow through the day as if I don't have the time. The concept of time is a funny one. Sometimes it's my best friend and others, not so much. One thing is for sure, time is the best healer. The anguish of yesterday is not the anguish of today. In fact, with every passing day, anguish turns into pain, pain into sorrow, sorrow into melancholy, and melancholy into just ok. But the part about time I hate is that you can't get it back and there's never enough of it. I especially don't care for the part of time where it stretches out eons in front of you when you wish that the end of the eon was knocking at your front door. Like today for example. I wish I were on my way home right now instead of on my way out. Why can't we fast forward time and just be done with it? Oh how I wish I could go through the day like a zombie, hazily going through the movements, but yet be extremely productive and intelligent at the same time. My new job requires me to think. I have to be on point at all times as I contribute to ways in which we increase revenues. I am truly planning and analyzing every business decision we make. With that said, there unfortunately can be nothing hazy about me during a typical work day.

I'm in survival mode. Survival mode means simplicity. There's no room for extras at the moment. No extra stress, cares, projects, burdens, issues, problems, things, people, and places. Simplicity allows me the room to focus. It also allows me the space to be silent and I'm loving the idea of silence. We have all come to know that when there is peace, there's joy. No matter how difficult a task, if it can be tackled with a sense of peace, it will be done well and to the best of your ability. That's what I'm hoping for. Success. Not just for the work week, but in life.

On a lighter note, my family is involved in a little friendly competition to guess the date of my pending engagement. It's entertaining to see everyone be so interested. Bets are flying in right and left but I still have yet to agree or disagree with anyone's guess. Some say next month and others say next year. When I hear their thoughts, I fail to get a feeling that makes me want to swerve in the affirmative or otherwise. I haven't once thought, 'yeah that seems close' or 'no way, that'll never happen'. I'm so blank on the subject. My attitude is que sera, sera. What it will be is what it will be. Whatever happens. It's my decision to pay attention to myself only at this point. My focus is forward and not on others. By the way, wrong speculation can cause harm, and one thing I will not do is suffer harm. Nothing in life is guranteed so you best protect your heart.

Enjoy your day.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Life

I am exhausted. Work seriously wore me out today. So much so that my director told me to leave early Friday. I pray that I'll be able to take advantage of that. There's just so much to do. And more to do when I get home tonight.

I'm out of town again this weekend. I feel like I just got back into town, except I didn't go anywhere. Didn't think my calendar would ever look as full as it does. Whenever I'm asked if I'm free, I have to check my pinkberry like the CEO of a Fortune 500 company (except his/hers isn't pink-shame). I'm still dying to get away. And not for a purpose, but just because. I want to go to my busy home of old. By myself. I miss NY.

Imogen Heap is so good to me right now. She's exactly what should be in my ear considering my mood and location. There's a huge caucasian man sitting next to me making me feel trapped against the train's window. Imogen is soothing my nerves. But it's a good thing he's white. He won't be on the train for much longer. I doubt he'll go past Eastern Market. Hopefully. Oh wait! I'm at Potomac Avenue! OH NO! Maybe he forgot to get off. No. He just looked out the window and calmly looked back down at his phone. Shoot! Why do I always get locked in? Every other person in this car is sitting alone. Ok. Stadium Armory was his final destination. My back doesn't hurt so bad anymore. Freedom.

My mind went blank. You ever feel like someone is taking a picture of you with their camera phone? I'm pretty sure that's happening right now. I wish there were laws against that. Where might my picture end up? I don't even want to think about it.

I asked God for strength this evening. More specifically, the strength to respond appropriately. In a mature fashion. In a manner that others would want to imitate. I have a mean streak. I need to work hard to surpress it because usually the ones I love are the only ones who see it. I have all the compassion in the world for strangers. I may have compassion for loved ones as well, yet I have a hard time showing it when ticked off. I feel like loved ones should know better. It's no excuse however.

When I look into the future, I hardly see past 1st quarter 2010. I don't want it to be that way. I wish I could see further but everything past that is darker than a pitch black southern night. My future literally falls off a cliff. It's extremely empty. For the first time, I can not anticipate my life. The sketch pad of my world is so blank. How do I feel about that? My emotions are mixed. I'm somewhat apprehensive but yet I'm anxious to fill in the blanks. One thing is for sure. It's going to be a learning experience.

I dreamt that my parents were getting a divorced. I remember screaming at my dad and telling him that he must not be a man of God and he better fix it.

As late as it is, I'm not ready to go home. I could use a stiff drink but I think I'll settle for a chic-fil-a vanilla shake with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Inspire

I'm supposed to be working right now, but I have something I need to say. I'm thinking of inspiration. How important it is, how it's lacking in my life right now, which in turn is preventing me from inspiring others. It really isn't an excuse though. Just because I'm not inspired doesn't mean I get to keep my powers from others. When I'm not able to inspire others, I feel dead. I feel like there's no point to my life. I remember when Precious-Gem said this about my writing. "J.A.C...She speaks my language too and just as I'm thinking "it's just me", I read her thoughts and realize that it's not. I'm so glad that people are willing to be honest. Not to mention, her writing style is so romantic. It's so flowy and organic." Her words did more for me than she will ever imagine. I want to always inspire and make people feel like it's okay. It's what energizes me. And I'm so sad that I haven't been able to do that lately. The things that have inspired others such as my photography, my fashion sense, my writing and my beliefs are all so un-juiced. The battery levels are very low. I once started a scrapbook of all the things that inspire me. I didn't get too far on it of course, but it's at moments like this that I wish it was complete. It could be my own personal battery charger.

I expressed to my personification of love how I was feeling and...wow. Talk about gifts. He has the amazing ability to patch up holes in my soul. After telling me that I inspire him every day, he commenced to tell me that he wants to be nicer, more loving, more caring, more open, more spiritual and more affectionate because of me; how his heart wells up with emotion as he thinks of how blessed he is to be with me and to have my positive influence in my life. I can't even think of how that made me feel while I cried to him about how I don't make a difference in people's lives. He surely helped save me from feeling like I was all the way dead. Now I only feel half dead.

Inspiration is vital. I don't care if it's coming from you or from someone else. Inspiration needs to dwell wherever we are, no matter whether it's in the form of a picture or a person or a scripture. Inspiration is our feul. It motivates us to do better, to help someone out, to change our views, to paint a canvas, to give someone a smile, to look our best. I can never under-estimate the power of inspiration. It's my being's very essence.

Inspire : to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration

Broken Nuptials

Let's take a poll. How many people out there have cancelled a wedding or broken off an engagement?

Not too long ago, I was having brunch with a group of friends. Seven to be exact. And out of those seven, four of us had either cancelled a wedding or broken an engagement. Over half! I can't remember my reaction. I don't know if I was shocked or just sad, and I still don't have a definitive reaction today. Being one of those four, I can only believe that we all made one of the biggest and BEST decisions of our lives. I seriously applaud all individuals who bulldoze through the excitement of a wedding or the beauty of a diamond ring and prevent them and their partners from making a very bad mistake. So back to my original question. Exactly how many of us are there out there? I'm interested in all ages, but particularly in the young ones. Us 20 something to 30 something year olds. How did these ones get the guts to call it off after wedding invitations were sent? Do you think that there are a lot of broken engagements out there or are most people going through with weddings after knowing it's a bad idea? Hmm...

Ran-dumb Thoughts

He asked me if I was going to write today.
I guess I should.
I definitely don't write as often as I want.
I've fallen off on a lot of things.
Not necessarily because I want to or I'm lazy.
Life has been busy.
My time has been occupied.
One thing that I've completely fallen off track with is my picture taking.
Not my SLR hobby stuff, but my everyday picture taking.
I used to carry my point and shoot around like my licensce.
I don't know what happened to that.
My camera definitely needs to go back in my handbag.
I'm missing out on a lot of memories by not having it.
I have so many pictures from my LA and NY existances.
I feel bad that I haven't took the same initiative while I've been in the DMV.
Being here is just as important as being there was.
I guess I better act like it.
I'm feeling blah this morning.
The Monday blues.
You know how that goes.
I didn't want the weekend to go away.
It was so good to me.
I don't feel all that pretty today.
Tried to put a little more makeup than the usual on my face, but that never helps.
I really miss Essence.
There was hardly a day when I felt down while working there.
This is not to say that my job now makes me down because it's 100x better than it used to be.
But there's something about working for the magazine you love which writes about topics you like which are written and put together by woman who look and think like you.
It was so inspiring.
While my current job isn't horrible, it doesn't inspire me.
But not most people's jobs do.
My family is good.
We had a bruising this weekend, but it's as resolved as it's going to get.
I'm still a little cautious but my mom is making great efforts, so I know that I can too.
My sis and I spent some time in Hallmark on Sunday.
You know you're getting old when you start buying greeting cards in packs for future special occassions.
It was necessary though.
People are passing, anniversaries are coming and going, people's feelings are hurt and milestones are happening.
I was taught a lesson this weekend.
I'm no longer a child and when events happen, it's up to me to make mention and say that I care.
Parents are not responsible for my sending my well wishes along with theirs.
I'm grown.
Autumn just tagged me in this note.
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us." -Author Unknown
It's so funny that I'm getting this because I was trying to put into words something that seems buried deep down inside.
I was thinking about my best friends (sis, mj, kace, kara, etc.) and how they have clear gifts.
My gift on the other hand is hard to see which makes me feel discontent.
I don't think I'm content just the way I am.
I want more.
I want to do better.
But of course, we're harder on ourselves than anyone else.
Maybe I'm thinking too hard.

Ran-dumb Thoughts

Is there anything going on?
Cuz I'm bored.
I'm going to see Maxwell Friday.
It seems so far away.
I'm not hype for it yet.
I will be when I actually get to the arena.
Where's the new music?
Anybody got any good stories?
You know what I've been missing?
My tv shows.
SYTYCD and Project Runway.
They add spark to my life.
And then my MTV shows.
The City and The Hills.
Where are those?
Are they even out yet?
I watch absolutely no tv anymore.
Where has my life gone!?
What if I walk out of my job and never come back?
How about it?
My bf is great.
Beginnings are wonderful.
My mom's venting on the phone with me right now.
She said she was almost in tears yesterday.
We all have those days.
You just wanna cry.
And have no idea why.
Mom said I looked fly this morning.
Bf didn't say so.
Bf just called and asked me if I'm okay.
Gotta call him back.
PMS-ing man!
Freak.
My back hurts.
Too much.

Amerie - "Heard 'Em All"

Finally! Something I can finally appreciate from Amerie. This song and video are hot. I can already see me getting me diva on to this.

A New Life!

There's so much to do and so little time. And I'm excited! I have a nice little stretch of time to work it out and I can't wait to experience the blessings that will come from pushing my relationship with Jehovah to new heights. I am ready to taste Jehovah and see that He is good. So from now, as a newly baptized one, until a pre-determined time, I am ready to grind. I am ready to build an unmovable foundation. Well actually, I want to do more than just build. I want to live all up in that house. I want to move in, get settled and even get a little wear and tear in there. I want it to be nice and cozy. I have my list of goals in my head but I need to write them down in the new journal I got as a baptismal gift from a friend. I think I'll use that journal as my spiritual journal. I'm ready for this new life ya'll! So excited! Let's grind it out ya'll!

I Want That Old Girl Back

Who am I?

I have a hard time figuring out what looks right on me among a myriad of clothes. There are scratched up CDs in my armoire, my glove compartment, and in the basement. Missy is the worst right now with tree sap stamped all over her like small bullet holes. The Mama Jen that everyone once knew me as has died as I'm constantly inundated with advice from others. I don't know who I am anymore.

One would suggest that I re-define who I am because change is good. That's all good and well but what am I trying to re-define? Am I trying to get back what I used to be or am I turning into a whole new person? If my fierceness, my touch and my edge are all gone, do I try to get it back or just transform into something else? Truth of the matter is that I want that old girl back. I liked her. I knew her well. I was comfortable with her. She suited me like a perfectly tailored suit.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I'm a girls girl. Pretty dainty if I do say so myself. Pink phone, high heel shoes, lace lingerie and endless makeup. For some reason, however, I feel like a boy. Maybe it's because I was dressed like one today. My hair isn't done either. In other words, I feel like a hot mess. I've been so uninspired lately. I have to coax myself to wear heels during the week even though they're my favorite article of clothing. I'm not sure what's going on with me but I hope my inner ladybug comes back soon. I miss her.

Sometimes I get jealous of my parents. Well, I'm not sure if jealous is the right word, but when we came into the house tonight, my mother went right downstairs to find her husband. They're down there now just a laughing and giggling. How sweet. I wish I had that.

It's getting cold again. I had to turn on my electric blanket a few minutes ago. There's a permanent chill creeping through my bones. The winter is no fun unless you can find ingenuous ways to keep warm. I'm not a fan of the winter at all. It does give me the opportunity to look sharp, but I'd rather stick with the days where less is more. As Madea said in I Can Do Bad All By Myself, 'clothes make you broke'. Too bad I like them so much. I wouldn't need an extra warm sweater if I could curl up to someone's warmth. Dah well. Silver Daddy is even cold.

My mom is watching Jay-Z's concert now. She keeps yelling "heeey!" My sister is fighting with her boyfriend over the phone so there goes my peace. I think I could sleep through it though. At least I'm going to try.

Looking forward to an empty weekend. I'm going to enjoy it. I hope you enjoy yours too.

I'm Back!

I'm Back!

No, not to blogworld. I'm back to my dancing! Yaaaaay! Aren't you so excited for me? Te he he. My Afro Modern class was excellent this evening. It was exactly what I needed. Yes, every muscle in my body hurts right now, but I love this feeling. The pain is wonderful! Even the throbbing that I'll feel in the morning; I'm truly looking forward to it! What this really means though is that I have a lot of work to do. I remember being able to leave dance classes with the routine on my mind, and not how badly my back hurts. But don't worry, I'll get it back. I'm about to get it in and be REAL strong. I told my teacher, Taurus, that this was my first class in four years. He looked at me with a sympathetic face. True dancers feel your pain when you mention how long you've been away. You can liken being away from dance to being away from food. When dancing stops, life stops. And I truly believe that. I got my life back tonight. It's a wonder I even stopped in the first place. Knowing how much I love to dance, I can't fathom why it always takes me so long to get back into the groove and then stay there. I'm just lazy I guess. But this class should put a halt to the procrastination. Every Wednesday, my butt needs to be in class. Guess what Taurus said to me? We were doing the cool down and I guess he was watching me do a section of it. He looks at me when the music ended and said, "yeah I can tell that you USED to dance". We all started busting out laughing. But it was a real compliment. He can see what I used to have, and if my health depends on it, I'll get that "used to" back. He told me that it's there. He can see it in me. Now all I have to do is keep taking classes. I'm thinking about adding a ballet class to my weekly dance ritual because it's truly what I am. A graceful, tall, ballet-like dancer. Ballet is my core. Everything else is auxiliary. But anyway, I'm really happy to be dancing again. Maybe I'm not as old and done as I thought I was. It's happy feet time!

Oh and SYTYCD started it's season today! How perfect! 'Tis the time to dance!

Fall Is Here - Shoe Edition

Monday Morning

Falling in love is a glorious thing. Some say it's better to walk into love. When you fall, you often hurt yourself. But I don't mind falling this time. This time, I know I'll be caught. I've never trusted as openly as I do now. I trust with my whole soul. I know I won't be let down. He won't even let me get close to bumping my head. I'm safe in his arms. I want to share my love with the world. I want to tell everyone what I've found, but I can't. I'm bound to discretion. It shall be the theme of the relationship. Silence and discretion.

Life throws unexpected turns. Happenings unravel behind your back. Things are taken care of without you even knowing. It's a wonder how it all comes together. (wonder - the feelings aroused by something strange and surprising) I'm wrapping my mind around the way things move. The forces that rearrange my life and point it into the direction I'm now heading. Is it okay to have no control over your path? Will I feel like a white pond in a game of chess? Innocent and ignorant of the intentions of the move maker...

I'm ready for my life to begin. The journey ahead of me is so bright. I'm dying to take a step into the light and experience the joy that will commence. But I'm also careful to love the current moment. "Anticipation is the purest form of pleasure," one once said. What if I get to that anticpated moment and have no more anticipation? I never want the longing for the future to disappear. Even 10 years from now, I want to long. Life should always move towards something better. Goals raise you reach to higher levels. I like reaching new levels. I hope the levels ascend into the clouds.

A Better Day

I got dressed this morning. I didn't throw something on like before. I got dressed. I used mascara and eyeliner today. I styled my hair. I opened the refrigerator instead of just walking out. Today will be a better day.

Satan

My person is super sensitive
I feel every cell and atom in my body girate
My hands quiver and my heart races
The muscles in my body are taut and unyielding
There is no makeup on my face
My hair is not curled
The softness of my skin depleting
My essence diminishing
Legs I once relied on are weak
Cramps are seething through my uterus

The smiles and good mornings I give are fake
Mornings are a grim segment of the day
I feel the air shoving me down into the dirt
Like a corkscrew
Quicksand clawing at my feet
I believe that escape is imminent
But wondering if I have the patience to believe

There's nothing to think about
except the trillion thoughts that are packed tightly in my head
I wish they would go away
Fizz out of my ears like a balloon losing helium
All the empty spaces are full and over-expanded
It's no wonder my eyes feel heavy throughout the day
There's too much weight up there

I know I'll get through
Especially when I keep telling myself to take it slow
This is nothing but a mere passing thing
A test of my wills and determination
The future will be brighter
I'll look back and laugh one day
Also be thankful for the sharpening
The refining process
The strength that I've gained to bear it all
I pray for Jah
But I don't know if He hears me
Satan is powerful today

Goodnight

the sun has set on another day
and with the sun my fears have diminished
i pray that as the night time ascends into the air.
sleep extends itself past the normal span.
i beckon the subconscious space that covers
when we close our eyes
to stay and visit as long as it likes.
it's in the quiet of slumber
that peace finds its perfect habitat.
for the regrets of another day
are as far off as a lover left behind.
life is in slumber itself
as we retreat to exist tomorrow.
but tomorrow's day is a mere passing thought
when its sun dies again.
and as we shake away the remnants of a dire day
we are left with the honey suckled-ness
of sweet and tender sleep.

- by j.a.c.

yes Keri!

Marques Is Back, Me Not So Much

Sorry I haven't been blogging! I've been a bit...cough cough... preoccupied. New things and all. You know how that goes. Probably won't be blogging that much. But I promise I'll try!

But I have something for you that I just HAD to post.

Didn't realize I missed him until I saw these. My sis and I can play a whole MH CD from front to back. His music is on point. Can't wait.



"Let me just take you on a date. I ain't tryna sleep with you....I just wanna take you on a date." Love it. This song is off the hook.



According to Marques' official blog, he'll be making a video for every song on his album. Get it Marques. The album comes out September 29th.

To Move or Not To Move

I want to move out.
Safe mode at the parent's house is cool but I need to learn some lessons.
I don't feel like I'm growing at home.
I'm rather stagnant and a little bored.
Challenges are interesting.
Even if I don't overcome each one to the best of my ability, I feed off of them.
Challenges help me evolve.
The b side of things tells me to sit tight.
Avoid challenges.
Be safe.
I'm not sure what to do.
If I move out, I need to do it now.
There's not much time to mull this over.
I'm not 100% responsible for anything at home.
I definitely could do more in my parent's house to help, but it's mentally difficult when you know your parents are going to take care of it anyway.
Especially when my timeline is different from my mom's.
What she sees as dirty ("OMG, the whole house needs a big bleaching!"), I don't.
I want to get back into the mode of cleaning and cooking...
I need to get my responsible swag back.
I can't do that at 2001.
Living alone automatically raises your levels.
You rise to the occassion.
You handle business.
I would be so much more on point if I moved out.
What's the smarter move?
Stay and pay off debt.
Stay and avoid even the INKLING of compromising situations that could arise with my bf.
What's best for my spirituality?
Mmm.
That question doesn't really help.
My spirituality isn't tied to my parents so no matter where I am, my desire will be the same.
My relationship with Jehovah is not contigent upon where I am.
That's a beautiful thought, by the way.
There's not one person or one solitary place can separate me from Him.
What to do, what to do?
I guess my next step is to toss the idea around with the ones who love me.
Not too many people.
Just a select few.
I can't handle five different opinions.
I would get lost in what everyone else thinks instead of the two people that matter the most.
The man upstairs and me.
"There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk, but in the multitude of counselors there is accomplishment." - Prov. 15:22

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Two Faced Moschino Heels

Oh the ingenuity! What will they think of next?! For a closer look, click here.

Janelle Monae On Repeat

This will get me through the day.

Metropolis - Janelle Monae

Janelle Monae "I Won't Let Go"

I Wont Let Go - Janelle Monáe

Goapele - "Milk and Honey"

Milk and Honey - Goapele from goapele on Vimeo.

Glad she's back with this huge one.

Some Seriousness, Some Not So Serious

I completed my burgundy journal. I believed this is the 8th or 9th journal I've filled with my life's ramblings. As I topped off the last pages, I realized there would be no better time to start a new chapter. What a difference a year makes. This time last year, I was suffering through a heart ripping break-up. This year, I'm going through a different type of suffering. Long-suffering. I don't mind however. The blessings that have already come and will come from this situation will be enormous. I'm going through a test, and as far as I can see, remaining calm and collected will see me through. I will indeed prove Satan a liar. I will not live my life for selfish reasons as Satan said I would do. This new chapter of my life will be unlike any other. This new journal will be unlike any other. I'm praying that it'll be filled with thoughts that come from a better human being. A wiser human being. A mature and fully developed human being. Clearly my goal is to be a better person than I was last year - as should be the case everyday. With every new day, we should strive to be a better person than yesterday. Prayerfully, I can realize that goal, and as long as I keep the mind of Christ, I should be able to stay on course.

Enough of the seriousness. My sis and I played all Keri Hilson songs this morning while getting ready. Keri has quite a collection of work. The girl seriously has taken the world by storm. To go from "The Way I Are" to "Energy" to "Turning Me Off" to "Knock You Down", the girl is on fire! I'm looking forward to seeing what she does next. I hope she does something with "Intuition". I really like that song. And then there's Teedra Moses. I heard she's been in town recently. I've been missing a lot of performances lately because of my schedule. Mos Def, Bilal, and Eric Roberson were here last week. I have to get back on my live music game. I miss my sister's band Black Alley. Like actually miss hearing them. I guess that's where I'll be Sunday. At Indulj. Radiohead's "Rainbows" is an incredible album. It's pure musical genuis packaged in a plastic disc. Makes me wonder what other gems are out there that I don't know about.

It's raining today and I like it. Makes for a thoughtful day. A day for reflection. Today is Thursday. One more day until the weekend. Even though I have to work, Friday morning starts my weekend. It's all about the feeling. Knowing that relief is here means a better day. Saturday, Pooh and I are attending Erykah Badu's concert at Merriweather. Can't wait to experience that woman. You don't just watch her. You experience her. She takes you on a journey. It's going to be wonderful. Especially with Foreign Exchange there. Or was it Slum Village? One of the members of SV just passed away so I hope Foreign Exchange was the pick. SV is one of the greatest hip hop groups in my opinion. I wish them the best during this trial.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I'm A Spectacle

J.K. is offended that I didn't invite her to my baptism. Now I'm hurt that she's hurt. I hate it when people are hurt by me because I never intend to hurt anyone. (I feel like I said this before in regards to something else that happened with J.K.) I can walk along minding my business when someone will be hurt by me and I would never expect it.... I wasn't thinking of inviting my hanging out buddies to my baptism. Why would they care? Despite my disdain for attention, there are already so many people coming that it's turning into a family reunion. It's uncomfortable. Especially because I don't want to steal away people's joy. If seeing me get baptized is going to make them happy, then so be it. It can't always be about what I want. Baptisms are a public declaration so... It's about to be real public. I wish it could just be me and Him.

I hate, hate, hate to be a spectacle.

How I'm Feeling

Ran-dumb Thoughts

There's nothing on my mind this morning.
I'm a blank slate.
Which I guess can be a good thing.
Right?
My congregation was in rare form last night.
Everyone was hilarious.
The meeting sure did turn my frowny face into a happy one.
Even when I got in the car to leave, all the right quiet storm songs graced my stereo system.
I pulled into the driveway singing Bobby Brown's Tenderoni at the top of my lungs.
Sometimes it's like that, ya know?
It was a release.
To close your eyes and enjoy a song to it's fullest is like an eclipse.
It doesn't happen all the time but when it does, you get goosebumps.
I saw a guy (possibly gay) driving through the garage two days ago, singing along with Janelle Monae with such gusto that you would have thought he was on stage.
It was entertaining.
I smiled as I watched his freedom.
I like watching people when they don't know you're looking.
You can experience someone in their purest form that way.
I should release more like that.
Fully enjoy myself no matter who's around.
Let other people see my joy.
Hopefully get them to smile with me, ya know?
I wonder how many people purposefully go out of their way to make another smile.
If everyone did that, we'd live in a better world.
My stomach is growling this morning.
I didn't bring lunch today like I did yesterday.
I'm trying to put $500 per paycheck on my AmEx.
My free spending days are over, which means I need free indulging entertainment.
Usually I'm excited about the weekend ahead.
This time I'm not for some reason.
I don't have to work or anything, and there's nothing big on my plate that would make me anxious.
I have a photography class.
Why I'm not razzle dazzled about that I don't know.
So what do I want to do this weekend then?
Mmm.
Enjoy nature.
"No need to remove your coat. No need to take off your shoes. Usually you can stay but not today, not today, no."
The Foreign Exchange is on point.
"Please don't be like that... Not today, not today, no... Nothing for me to say.... Nothing's been more true than these words to you...It's not like it was before... She can't keep me anymore.."
I'm so feeling that this morning.
I need to repeat this track.
There's a young chocolate man sitting in front of me with a yellow polo button up on.
I love dark men in pastels.
He looks so sharp with his button up, khakis, and brown shoes...
Hair cut way down.
iPod in his ears.
Newspaper in his hands.
He looks impressive.
But as I said to my mother yesterday, you never really know someone until you know them.
Everyone has an issue.
I need an evaluation.
Someone please tell me what's wrong with me.
I'm asking for my most disturbing flaws.
I asked what was wrong with me but didn't get an answer.
Everyone has an issue.
I said that already.
Maybe that's my problem.
I can't recognize my own faults.
I used to be able to.
That's because I used to have a lot of them. Lol.
I work so hard on becoming a better person.
Something I need to give more attention to though are the quiet thoughts I have.
You can see from these similar themed "thoughts" posts that I always have something running through my head.
I would like to make sure the negativity stays out of my head.
I would also like to stop sharing so many of my thoughts.
I talk too much.
I share too much.
I actually don't talk too much as I can be a private person, but when I do, I tell all of me.
I dish out my entire world.
A while ago I mentioned that my equilibrium feels off.
It still does.
I'm going to get it back.
There was a period, probably when I was in NY, where I felt 100% comfortable with myself.
I want that back.
I knew who I was while in NY.
The singlehood probably helped.
The Foreign Exchange's "Valediction" is still playing.
I just sat down at my desk at work.
I just sneezed twice.
If someone said bless you, I can't hear them.
There are only 2 people in my section here anyway.
I'm not ready to open up outlook.
I'm not ready to open up gmail.
My dad says that his daughters are so used to doing for themselves and are so strong that they don't know how to let a man be the lead.
I want a man to lead.
Desperately.
I'm tired of doing all the work.
I just don't know men who know how to lead.
My mom said that she can go out of town with my father and not know a thing.
Not a hotel name, flight information, directions, etc.
And she feels perfectly safe.
Taken care of.
I don't know what that feels like.
If anyone's gotta know something, it better be me.
Ugh!
I guess it's time.
The day needs to begin.
And today's mood is melancholy.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

101 WAYS TO MAKE LOVE WITHOUT HAVING SEX!!!

1. Tell her “I love you”. 2. Hug him. 3. Kiss her. 4. Send flowers. 5. Hold hands. 6. Have deep, meaningful conversations. 7. Treat each other nice. 8. Smile at each other. 9. Write poems to each other. 10. Dance together. 11. Talk about your feelings. 12. Discuss problems. 13. Just be together. 14. Take him out. 15. Tell her “I don’t want to be with anyone else”. 16. Go to a drive-in. 17. Ask how she’s feeling. 18. Sort out disagreements. 9. Give each other a back rub. 20. Let him do your hair. 21. Put up with his friends. 22. Go to a concert together. 23. Give each other gifts. 24. Play pool together. 25. Observe the stars together. 26. Share some of the same hobbies. 27. Kiss him on the ear. 28. Whisper that I love him. 29. Be nice to each other. 30. Give a token from the heart. 31. Visit his mother. 32. Write love letters. 33. Call him just to say “hello” or “good night”. 34. Play footsie. 35. Blow her kisses. 36. Give her a ring. 37. Take her someplace meaningful or special. 38. Have a romantic picnic in the park. 39. Show my affection. 40. Talk about the reasons for our decision to wait to have sex. 41. Buy him nice things. 42. Go swimming together. 43. Go hiking together. 44. Be her best friend. 45. Sit and talk for a long time. 46. Be close. 47. Share thoughts. 48. Kiss her neck. 49. Sing her a song. 50. Do the things you used to do. 51. Ask to be with her more. 52. Build a stronger relationship. 53. Do her housework. 54. Communicate. 55. Tell her you care. 56. Caress each other. 57. Stick up for him if he gets in trouble. 58. Be sensitive. 59. Tell her I’ll always be there for her. 60. Listen. 61. Go out of the way for each other. 62. Go camping. 63. Tell her I appreciate how she treats me. 64. Respect each other. 65. Buy him something sentimental. 66. Carry her books home from school. 67. Never let him go. 68. Take a walk together. 69. Go to a party. 70. Cook for each other. 71. Just touch each other. 72. Leave a little love note in his pocket. 73. Dedicate our favorite song on the radio. 74. Speak the language of love – French – to him. 75. Tell her the longer you wait, the better it will be. 76. Arrange a date where we first met. 77. Watch him compete in a sporting event. 78. Spend the day at a carnival. 79. Eat at a romantic restaurant with elegant music and a dance floor . 80. Do homework together. 81. Slip a note into her notebook. 82. Treat her like a queen. 83. Pay attention to her likes and dislikes. 84. Make sure he’s comfortable. 85. Send him a card. 86. Draw a heart on a tree and put both names in the middle. 87. Call her every night. 88. Hold each other close. 89. Trust him. 90. Support each other. 91. Go for a drive. 92. Take him skiing. 93. Sit really close while watching a movie. 94. Make him a present. 95. Take care of him when he’s sick. 96. Carry pictures of each other. 97. Cuddle. 98. Go to a sports event together. 99. Watch a sunset together. 100. Be faithful. 101. Share secrets.

REMEMBER: The safest sex is NO sex; if you do have sex, always use a condom correctly as protection from sexually transmitted diseases

Mid-Year Reflections

Can you believe half of the year is already over? I did a search for goals in my inbox and came across the post I did regarding 2008 year end reflections. click here. I'm in the middle of putting together some goals for the next month and I couldn't but help to re-read this post and think about what I was looking forward to in 2009. Pointedly, that was "Move. Buy. Get spiritual. Get creative. Love." Being that we are seven months into 2009, it might be a good time to see how I'm coming along with those goals.

Move. This part is done. I really enjoy being back in Maryland. There is no place like home. Being older and wiser, I've come to enjoy being back at home with my parents. They are truly nice and fun people. Home is also serving as a safeguard for me at a time when being on my own may not be the best move. I need to avoid compromising situations at all costs right now. Living at home can assist in that regard. That appropriately leads me into the second goal. Buy. I'm not sure what to do about that yet. I've mulled over it a couple of times and a clear answer still has not yet come to me considering my current situation and potential future.

Get spiritual. I've grown more in the last seven months than I expected. The brothers and sisters in my congregation have been praising me for my maturity and advancement lately. It's a very good feeling and I'm interested in keeping that going.

Get creative. Eh. This comes in spurts. The last creative thing I did was a random photography shoot at Kace's Black Alley band rehearsal. That was a lot of fun, but I wonder how long it's going to take me to do something fun like that again. I'm surely not consistent when it comes to being creative. I have pledged to start writing more though, and that's been going well. I need more creative writing ideas though. Perhaps I'll write a story. Which reminds me. I need to buy a new journal.

Love. I've become really pensive about this subject. Especially when it comes to romantic love. Agape love, familial love and loving myself have come very easy lately. This undoubtedly ties to the amount of spiritual progress I've made. I'm looking forward to romantic love but it's not something I'm rushing into. There's so much to come and I'm just riding the wave.

So here's to mid year goals.

Spirituality

1. Create a study schedule to allow for the review of deeper things. I don't want to leave all my studying for the train. I will devise a schedule before the month is out.

2. Continue doing what I'm doing well - preparing for and attending meetings, commenting at least once, and prayer.

3. Become more effective in the ministry. This is the hardest one for me. I'll need a lot of prayer for this one.

Health and Exercise

1. Use the Wii 2x - 3x per week. My problem areas, just like all other beautiful sistas out there, are my butt and thighs. I need to tone this jelly.

2. Eat one balanced meal a day. Trying for more would be unpractical for me. =/

3. I weigh 134lbs right now. I would like to gain a few but stay under 140.

Relationships

1. Continue to be a good daughter and friend.

2. Have fun while maintaining my integrity. I don't have the time to get in trouble because of what my flesh wants to do. I've worked too hard to get where I am now. If I can just hold out...

3. Proverbs 31: 10-31 - Quietly build up these qualities within myself in order to be someone who adds to the relationship.

Recreation

1. A new goal - I want to enjoy nature more. Since I love the air and sky so much, I would love to be at one with it more. If that means lying on my back in an open field of grass while the wind blows over me, that's what I'll do.

2. Be spontaneous - I feel like my life is too rigid and very structured. Everything is denoted by the time of the day. Time for recreation, time for family, time for spiritual things... I don't like this. I want to blend all of this together for a seamless life instead of having divisions and blocks of 'have to do's'.

3. Dabble in writing and photography at my own pace.

Career and Money

1. Get into a new job. Not really interested in a worldly career.

2. Have my credit card and car paid before Septemeber '10.

Intricacies of Dating

As I begin to get back out here and date, I'm coming into a realization that dating has phases. The first phase - the oooooh-i-think-i really-like-this person-phase - is cool, but it doesn't last for very long. Once the novelty has worn off, and you take the rose colored glasses off, you begin phase two where you start to learn a lot about a person. In particular, what you like about them and what you don't. If you're contemplating whether you could potentially marry this person, you start to tilt your head sideways and imagine if you could put up with their stubborness, laziness, insecurities, emotional issues, and baggage for the rest of your life. You might perhaps make a list of their good qualities and bad to see if the totality of the good can outweigh the bad. And if you decide to pursue a relationship with a person regardless of their less desirable traits, you begin phase three. I'm not anywhere close to phase three so it's a little difficult to recall what this involves, but if I remember correctly, phase three is where you be together. And I really mean just be. Simply put. All the while up to and through this point, you're still learning each other, but you pretty much know at this point who this person is and you 'be together' making memories and gaining experiences. Good ones and tough. Basically, you grow into each other becoming more familiar than you might care to. =) Hopefully after that, come marriage. I'm sure there's a whole new set of phases to consider there, so I'll keep you posted when I learn what they are.

I feel like I'm learning to date all over again. Actually, that's not true. I'm lying. I know how to date. As I begin to go through it however, I'm remembering how to date all over again. There are certain instances that pop up and from past experiences I can say 'no, don't do this' or 'this is how you handle this'. I seriously feel like I'm reaching back in my memory and applying the information to my present situation. I think the bullet point I'm recalling the most is when to shutup and when to speak up. Also, when it's best to give someone room and when it's okay to be together. Oh and one more thing. I'm also remembering how to let someone be who they are. But about that shutup and speaking up thing... I think I'm honest to a fault sometimes. I feel like when two people are getting to know each other, they should be completely open and tell everything. But that's not true. Everyone doesn't need to know everything because in most cases, timing is everything. I have to fight against my natural tendencies to tell everything though. The reason why I do it is so that I can give someone the opportunity up front to decide if they can handle me or not. (And yes I admit that I am a lot to handle.) I'm a hit it and quit it type of girl and I don't like bad surprises. If I could walk around with a sign that tells everything about me so others can see without having to open up my mouth, I would. Giving full disclosure is important to me. However, there is no fun or ease about telling everything upfront. It's also very blunt and lacks any type of charm. I know that patience is a virtue. Even though I don't like to waste time, there exists a certain amount of energy you have to invest in a person if you wish to get the desired results. You have to take the risk.

That's what dating is. Risky business. Among all the joys that comes with having a mate, it's the best when you find out all the not so good things though. That's when the good stuff really begins and the tests arise. That's when you can finally calculate your risk and deduce whether the returns are profitable enough. And if they are, hold on to your hats! Because you will then begin the ride of your life.

Our Family Study

My family and I just had a really great family study. The three of us started out by considering an article that my mother wanted to look at on how husbands should imitate Christ. We studied the same typical information until we got to a section about remembering that your wife is also your sister in Christ. Often, husbands who have responsibilities in the congregation overlook the fact that their wife is also one of their dear congregation sisters. The love and compassion shown to other sisters in the congregation can often be lost on wifes. I could tell that my dad was meditating hard on that concept. So it was a subject that wasn't lost on the family. My dad told us about a meeting the ministerial servants and elders had with one of the overseers. In it, the overseer asked them if they knew what the Bible verses about buying out the opportune time referred to. Most of the answers were geared to making sure you buy out the opportune time for the ministry. But as you would expect, they were wrong. The overseer made a very good point that day by telling them that there are more important things than just the ministry. While field service is important, your family and health are even more important. Your wife's well-being is more important than the part you have on the theocratic ministry school. Your son or daughter's big school event is more important than the number of hours you get to spend teaching another about God's will. Your sanity and health is far more important that any service that you can be giving to Jehovah. Because in the end, if you do not take care of yourself and your family, then you have not taken care of your responsibilities and therefore have not followed the counsel of our Father. I thought that was pretty deep, especially because many people neglect other facets of their life in efforts to serve Jehovah more fully. But Jehovah needs your full, healthy and sound self. Not a deprived self.

Then we got into whether or not a couple can ever be prepared for marriage. There were a set of questions that we read in our study at the meeting today... 'Why do I want to get married? What expectations do I have? Is this the right person for me? What can I bring to a marriage?' So my mother asked, "even if you answer these questions and spit out a couple of scriptural verses for support and reference, does that mean you are prepared? Can you EVER be prepared?" I responded that I think there's a yes and no answer to that question. The information that we studied along with those questions is about maturity. If one is truly mature and does not simply answer those questions with programmed verses in mind, you can really figure out whether you are ready for marriage or not. Being a mature Christian, you can prepare yourself as much as possible by devising a plan for the happy and the non so happy times. You can figure out what you're going to do when you and your mate are under hardship. What scriptures you may look to, what mature married persons you might talk to, and what you will NOT do no matter how difficult the situation is. With maturity, you can lay a foundation to be prepared. What you will not be prepared for however are the day to day happenings of marriage. I'm sure everyone who is married will say that they were not prepared for what they've been through. But when those little bullets come flying towards you, your shield is ready. Your foundation has already been laid. It's then up to the two mature Christians who have joined together in marriage to apply that foundation that the two of them laid together before uniting.

Like I said, we had a really good family study today. I wish more could have shared in it with us, but it was probably meant for just us three. I got a lot out of it, in addition to the fact that the closer I get to marriage, the more nervous I become. It's not all glorious and wonderful as many portray. I've known that for years, but it's really hitting me. Hard this time.

Ran-dumb Thoughts

What a Saturday.
I haven't been this relaxed in a very long time.
From the hot stone massage to laying out (and swimming) at pool to falling asleep at 8pm with a movie...
This is the kind of weekend that I rarely see.
I'm thinking about going to see Black Alley tomorrow, but I like the thought of going nowhere.
I'm trying to keep my blog as censor-less as possible.
Free.
Pure.
Void of any type of attempt.
But it's hard.
Hard not to write for the people who might be reading.
But this blog is for myself.
I have to remember that.
I haven't really been writing as I should.
Perhaps that's why I'm out of practice.
I'll get back into it though.
It's my goal.
I bought 6 pairs of shoes within a 2 week time frame.
No wonder I was in need of a paycheck.
But in my defense, 3 pairs were sandals which were only $29.
The tennis shoes were rare finds.
And my last pair of shoes are heels from heaven.
Those are staying in the box, unworn until the perfect occasion.
I'm looking forward to the convention.
Everyone who has gone tells me to bring my tissues.
How powerful is this thing going to be?
I'm so ready for it.
I need to refocus my energies anyway so this is coming at a great time.
My shoulders hurt slightly.
I think it was that massage.
My back is pain free though.
That woman worked me out for a full 75 minutes.
Everytime I thought my session was over, she repeated the segment.
Those hot stones are something else.
I just stopped typing for a second and had a million thoughts run through my head.
The exact thoughts that I'm supposed to be typing.
That's the whole point of ran-dum thoughts.
I'm supposed to pen whatever pops up in my head without stopping.
It's the sure fire way to capture everything you're thinking no matter whether it's stupid or not.
Hence the name 'ran-dumb'.
But here I am, not being true to the nature of the post.
I have to work on this.
I'm way out of practice.
I'm sorta happy that it's night time.
That means the day is coming to a close, and I get to experience the joys of another day off from work.
Even though it's Sunday and Monday is lurking, I'm happy to have no plans other than my 9am service.
I think I want to talk more about spiritual things on this blog as well.
Drop a spiritual gem every now and then.
Keep me fresh and in tune.
And keep Godly things in mind.
Plus if someone reads it, and gets something from it, that's an added bonus.
I like writing, so it's the perfect avenue.
My antique chest is starting to get crowded again.
I just cleaned my room yesterday and I already have stuff on top of it again.
Mmm.
I'm tired.
I could just close my eyes and breathe right now.
But I'm not done.
Let me write some more.
My sis and her bf are downstairs watching a movie.
They were supposed to come and get "The International" from me a while ago.
I guess they don't need it anymore.
I have some studying to do.
I need to get that taken care of tomorrow I guess.
This year has truly been the turn around year for me.
From January I believe, I've never studied so much in my life.
And 7 months later, I'm still just as intesified.
I wonder when my slacking time will come.
I know it happens in waves.
Sometimes you're really on, and other times you're really tired.
I wonder when it'll hit.
The faster it hits, the quicker I can get over it.
I was going to say something about my ministry.
But I'd rather not.
All I can say is that I want to progress more.
Become more effective.
I think I'm going to wear my hair naturally curly for a week or so.
Give it a break from all the heat.
Let it do it's thang for a while.
My hairdresser also cut the nape of my neck really low so I'ma give it a week to grow 2 centimeters.
That way I can actually grab it when I press it.
The shorter my hair is, the more injury my little fingers suffer.
I need to change my sheets.
I want brand new clean sheets to sleep in.
Clean sheets make all the difference in the world.
There's nothing like them after a shower.
To slide under the clean covers with a clean body.
Aaaahhhhhh.
All this talk about sliding under the covers is making me sleepy.
Good night folks.

The Take Back My Life Plan

The following seven items will help me to build my defenses against the catastrophic war I am in against my evil job. I'm taking it back to the bunker to regroup before busting out like GI Jane again. THEY WILL NOT TAKE ME DOWN! Hoora!

Exercise - 3x/week from 6am - 6:30am Strengthen my muscles to help alleviate my back pain.

Food - Eat a piece of fruit a day. Aim for at least one blanced meal a day with plenty of vegetables.

Sleep - Get at least 7 hours of sleep every night, which means I must be in the bed no later than 11pm.

Vitamens - I can't stand popping gigantic horse pills as I feel like one day I may die choking, but make it my aim to at least get a reasonable amount of B complex vitamens in me during the week.

Spirituality - Maintain my regular routinue (meetings, Bible reading, prayer) in addition to 1 session of the "deeper things" per week. Get back to working on my monthly fruit of the spirit and making at least the national average in the ministry.

Liesure and Recreation - Take the time to insert one thing that I enjoy into my schedule every work day like reading a blog, writing a blog, catching up with a friend, doing something nice for someone, attending an after work affair, etc.

BREATHE - In an effort to minimize these new anxiety attacks I've been having at work, I would like to practice some breathing techniques I've gotten wind of.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Defective

I walked in the house with a bad attitude yesterday. One of those teenage attitudes where you groan and pout as soon as your parents have the audacity to ask you to come here. I was insanely exhausted when I got home but was hungry enough to scavenger the refrigerator for food. While I did yell a 'hello' when I walked in the house, I was doing all I could to be quiet so as not to call the attention of my parents. All I wanted to do was put something in my stomach and then fall out. But...my dad called me. The attitude came out of the depths. My mom asked me what was wrong and I snapped back that I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. On my way to sleep, I felt bad. I haven't had an attitude like that in years. At 26 years of age, you're no longer allowed to have those.

My mojo is gone. All the soundness that I once had is on empty. And I do feel like I could be going temporarily insane. Nothing gargantuan has happened to lead me to this conclusion, but I'm pretty sure my diagnosis is correct. All the little things in life that I usually have together feel out of place. Now...I'm going to list some of these things. They may seem small to you but remember, I'm a woman. Nothing is too small to notice. For one, my nails are a mess. Granted, I have clear polish on so no one can tell without a microscopic stare, but the uneveness of my right thumb and pointer finger nails are driving me crazy. Ladies, you know that once your nail is jagged, it gets caught on e-ve-ry-thing. Threads in your clothes, scrapes on your skin, etc. If I mark my body one more time on this stupid nail, I'm going to scream. And THEN, can you believe I'm walking around with a crack in my white toe nail polish on my big toe? [insert movie shreaking shrill here] Blasphemy! It's summer time. If anything has to be on point, it must be the toes. So...one might ask, 'well jac. why don't you just get your nails done?' [insert blank stare here] That's a very good question that I can't seem to answer. Temporary insanity I tell ya. In my defense, I can tell you that I have no time, nor can I find my nail files. My room is in post tornado form. But yet, every night, I push things to the side and leave it for another day. I lost the caps to my lenses. I've been meaning to write down the specifications of my lenses so I can order new ones, but yet, it hasn't been done. Remember all that paperwork that I was supposed to take care of? I can't even tell you which one of my bags those papers are in. The U.S. Department of Commerce has requested that I fill out this 82 question survery that is overdue. I believe I got a second notification last week, but I haven't really gotten to the stack of mail that's sitting on the trunk in my room. Did you know that I hate unpacking? Hence the suitcase full of clothes that I took with me to New Orleans is still sitting there - in my sister's room though, because there's no room in mind. I need to get my center dash unit replaced in my car. I sorely want it fixed, but of course that hasn't been done either. Not to mention that Missy needs a thorough detail. In an effort to get my mind right this morning, I rode to the metro in silence. I was making a left hand turn out of my development when I heard a noise like a pebble rolling and then hitting a wall. I made another left and heard it again. After the next right I wanted to scream, but instead I just silently mouthed "Oh, come on!"

There are more things I could enumerate but the issue isn't about the things. One good or two good slow weekends will do wonders for me. It's about what's happening to me to make me feel so dag on ineffective. I'm completely out of wack. I'm Defective! Mentally (insanity), physically (my back is killing me all the time now), and emotionally (the attitude). I thought that maybe I was partaking of too much leisure time, but then I began to re-think that. I work my butt off. If I can't have a couple of hours on Saturday and a concert on Sunday, then I don't know what I'm going to do. I actually need a break in my week. After three days of tearing my hair out, I have to have a pardon in order to make it through the last two days. What I'm really concerned about though is my back. I'm having a hard time finding comfortable ways to sit at my desk and on the train. When I'm on the train, I get the most comfort by sitting diagonally or taking up two seats, so whenever someone wants to sit by me, I get irritated. Lol. Do you see the cycle that I'm in?! I need a spa appointment for a deep tissue massage asap. I think that'll give me some temporary relief as my instinct is telling me that it's all stress.

I've been unable to write. I haven't seen SYTYCD for the last past two weeks. I'm paying for a Netflix service that I haven't been able to use. I missed service and my Bible study. And now I'm defective.

How can I simplify? Jehovah is a God of order, and so am I. Well, I'm not a god, as apparent as that is right now, but I'm a woman who needs order. This disarray that I'm in will hurt me and my relationships if I don't fix it fast. I'm not trying to have attitudes or miss out on things because of turmoil. Due to outside forces, I'm not going to be able to make any immediate changes in my circumstances. So for now, I have to find a way. My first reaction is to just figure it all out. Alone. But I know that.... mmmm... I don't know... See! I can't even bring myself to say that I can't do it all alone. I feel like all I need to do is to write out a schedule and make it happen. But the sense in me tells me that I should ask for assistance. But assistance doing what? I don't even know where to begin. Assistance in cleaning my room? Come on. No one knows where my stuff goes but me. So how do I manage? Because right now, it's all about managing with what I have. And how long will it take me to become sound again? Because I kinda need this to happen right away. Or else, I will give up. And that's unacceptable.

Cue Kelis - I Like You

Like You - Kelis

"I don't just like you/ I like you like you"

It's been a long time people! How ya been? Me? I'm hanging in there. Work is a serious drag, but overall, life is good. I still have a smile on my face. Wanna know why?!!! Well I'm going to tell you why. I can attribute much of this cute and endearing smile to a new growing interest in my life. And no, thew new growing interest is not photography, writing, a new pottery class, pet grooming, the new travel interest group, the insect collectors team, or whatever I've managed to fill my life with since I decided to become the busiest woman in the world. It's finally a man! Yep!A real and actual human being! Go figure! It's super new but I'm having a LOT of fun. I didn't expect to be 'Caught Up' as Usher puts it, but I really like this feeling. Aren't beginnings always so beautiful? <3 I think what I find so unique about this new growing interest of mine is that it's so convenient. I've never really known what it's like to date someone who has the same plans as I. Location wise that is. Well, in every area actually, but location wise sticks out to me the most because I've always dated people who were not from my city. There's no threat of someone moving or any worry about who's going to make the biggest compromise or change their life the most. There are no 'huge' issues to work out. It's simple. Simplicity at it's best in fact. We even live right down the street from one another. And anyone who knows me knows that I've NEVER had that before. We ride the same train to work, go to the same place of worship and can easily bump into each other whenever we want. How nice! I can literally see him every single day if I choose. No schedule issues, no meet-me-at-this-central-place-between-the-minutes-of-5:15pm-and-5:22pm-on-Tuesday-the-10th-or-I-have-to-run-to-my-next-encounter-and-won't-be-able-to-see-until-the-weekend. No more sucky situations! I like it a lot. I've seen him every single day for the past 7 days. And these have been ordinary, non-vacation days too. I've never done that before with anyone I've dated. Now I'm not this crazy, keep-my-eye-on-you, wanna-be-stuck-under-you-every-day type of girl either. So don't get me wrong. He wants to see me just as much, if not more than I want to see him. It's actually pretty crazy how this is all going down. Within the last 7 days, we've probably gone from a level 2 to a level 6. I'm a lot more comfortable around him now. The comfort level isn't to the point yet where I don't mind him seeing me at my worst, but it's getting there! My feeling and looking like a hot mess times will come soon I'm sure. The man is so incredibly sweet it's fantastic. Guess what he said to me today. We were talking about a particular subject and I asked him was there anything else he wanted to know/say. He said, "nothing more other than just letting you know that ur everything i could ever ask for." Now let's just pause on that for a second and let it marinate. Every time I re-read that, I get all warm and fuzzy inside. Hooray for the warm and fuzzies! I love getting to know this guy. He's so vivid and happy all of the time. It could be that he's gung ho for me, but nevertheless, he keeps me upbeat when I could be otherwise. Work is really hard for me, so his energy is priceless right now. It helps to cancel out all the crap I go through at this place. I'm a serious woman so his youthfulness is also right on time for me. Two serious people don't really fit well together as I've learned. He's goofy too, which I thought I would get sick of, but it's balanced well with his drive, determination and spiritual side. He's also not as much of a square as I thought he was. There are some things that he needs to reel back more than me! It all goes to show just how much you don't know people when you're looking at them from the surface. That's the mistake I made when he was nothing more than just the corny guy who smiles at me all the time. I could easily tell how deep he was, but I was sure he didn't have an ounce of relaxation in him. After he pronounced his undying love for me... ok not really... he forced me to open my eyes. I'm glad he told me how he felt about me. It was after that day that I began to see him. Now what I see is nothing but a tall, dark and handsome chocolate bar especially churned, milked, and packaged just for me. The j.a.c. special. I know that Jehovah made this man for me. I'm looking forward to growing with him. It's interesting that now that an actual real future with him can be imminent, I'm nervous about it. All that husband and children talk that I used to spit all the time... yeah. It doesn't even touch my lips anymore. Remember how I said that I feel like I was put on this earth to be a wife and a mother? Well now I wonder whether I'll be a good wife or not and whether my body can handle having babies. Lol. One area that I worry about in particular is this cooking thing. I am soooooooooooo not a food person. He, on the other hand, is eating every 2 hours. Talk about greedy! I've never had to burn like that because the only person's stomach I've ever had to take care of is my own. My own tiny fist-sized stomach. But I guess if I decide that I love the man, my love for him will propel me to taking care of his stomach as well. But you best believe that he's going to have to burn as well! If he wants ALLL of this food, he's going to have to help himself more times than he realizes. Boy am I glad he's lived on his own for a while. He's learned to cook his own meals, which will come in handy if I marry him. And yes, we have talked about marriage. Neither one of us is trying to learn each other for no reason. I'm not some body's boo. I'm some one's future wife. We're not playing games. If we're not looking towards marriage than I don't know what we'd be doing. He says he sees me as his wife and can't wait to wear a big chain around his neck that says JAC's HUSBAND, so all is said and done. The only thing we have to do is fall (or walk) in love. You think that's backwards huh? Well not to me. If the foundation is there... the chemistry, the qualities, the goals, the values... then we can build on everything else within time. Love will come. It always does. It's inevitable. Especially considering how much time we spend with one another. And I already know who's going to say it first once we get there. =) But that's pretty important to me. Saying it only when you know that you know that you know that you know. Once you admit that you love someone, the floodgates are doubly open. But I believe that this is about to be one heck of a roller coaster. I'm excited for it. And I'm going to soak it all in. This beginning part is so lovely, as beginnings are, so I'm treasuring each moment of it. I'll keep you posted ladies and gentleman, but this one just might be the one!

I Love Jay-Z

Maxwell - "Pretty Wings"

New Orleans Here I Come!

What am I thinking? I leave on Wednesday! Why am I acting like I have no where to go and nothing to do. If Jenn didn't call me today and mention that we would be laying bikini clad in the sun next weekend, I would have been out staring at the clouds. There's just so much to do! My weekend is crammed like a fat kid in a size zero. I need to schedule some appointments quick. Hair, mani/pedi, grooming. You know a lady gotta be extra fly in hot New Orleans. I have NO IDEA what I'm wearing. I have this one mini skirt that you better believe I'm going to rock. But other than that...*shrugs shoulders*. It'll all come together. That's a lot of clothes though. 5 days worth. And I'll definitely have more than one fit for each day. Good thing I just did laundry.

Did Michael Jackson just die?

The Ministry

I just had the most awesome conversation with my co-worker. We went to get coffee (in my case, chai latte) at Starbucks and talked about everything from my latest career decision, to how to measure success, to fear of death, to the purpose of the JW ministry, to the paradise. He was especially impressed with my sense of peace and spiritual stance in life. When I told him that I sometimes feel behind in life, he told me that that's impossible considering that my understanding and grasp of life is way ahead of anybody that he knows. Not to be big-headed but when he said that, I had to agree with him. Understanding my purpose in life, which ultimately gives me peace, does indeed put me in a different place. I was a little sad for him as he talked about how finite death was and how he doesn't have anything to put faith in but himself. Hopefully I'll be able to give him some of my peace of mind soon. ;-)

I'm way above the national average this month which is fantastic for me. I think if I can get one long day in a month like I did this month, I'll be set. Going on the Pere's family study with my dad was cool too. Those little kids are so eager to learn it's amazing. The young boy asked, "so is it too late to change from being bad?" Awwwwwwwwwww! No baby. It's never too late! Be still my heart.

The co-worker who sits directly in front of me is super excited about the message she's receiving in her church. She has this great passion for God's word and has expressed the desire to take a discipleship class in order to learn how to teach from the Bible. She's really eager to learn more about God which is incredible. We've also talked about speaking in tongues. I told her that I was going to do my research on that and share with her what I find. That should be a good convo. In general though, I love that she loves God. I think I'm going to tell her that and help her to pull out more ways to show that she loves God.

It's cool putting my focus on the ministry. I love it when people connect with Jehovah. It's a cool thing to see, especially when I had a hand in it.

Je l'aime - I Love It

I stole my sister's Haapers Bazaar this morning. I couldn't tear myself away from it. I was completely obsessed with each fashion spread, each trend, and each photographed present. I'm not consumed with fashion. I'm fixated on the art of fashion. Put a fashion magazine in front of me and I will devour it. I will study the thing from cover to cover memorizing textures, shapes, moods, personalities, and shilouettes of clothes, shoes and accessories. It's not a game to me. Nothing is more natural to me than understanding and connecting with fashion.

Hibernation

I totally didn't notice the vibe of my last 4 or 5 blogs until R.C. said something. "I gotta get you out cupcake." Yeah you do R. Please save me.

It's painfully clear that I'm struggling. I'm trying to keep it together but I occasionally find that my vision is blurry from slight moistness. Nooooo, they're not tears. It's called ummm....moistness. Yes, moistness! And that's what I'm claiming. I don't even notice when it's coming, the moistness. It kind of just...shows up. Out of nowhere too! But the reason behind the moistness is that I think the stress in my life is at an all time high. Better yet, I'm 110% overwhelmed. That's what it is. 110% overwhelmed-ness. I'm always fine in the mornings, but by the time 7pm rolls around, I look and feel like I'm clawing my way up a mountain just to get into my car and drive myself home. I don't even listen to music on the way home anymore. When I turn my car on after work, the stereo is usually blaring from the morning's high. But as soon as I can move my hand towards the on/off button, I'm happy for the silence. Everything in my life right now is hard. Work is the epitome of hard. My commute is getting hard. Even this new situation I'm in is hard. There is no fun in any of it. It's all so serious and exhausting. What ever happened to easy, light, airy, fun and uncomplicated?

Because I could not quiet my mind on the train this evening, I wrote down a few thoughts. Two pages worth to be specific. What I've decided to do... is hibernate. I am going to hibernate to restore my peace and get my much needed energy back. I don't care about what anyone wants, expects, needs or has to have from me. Before I go postal, I need to take care of me. And that means putting back a little fun in my life. So here's the plan. While in hibernation, I plan to return to the renaissance J that I am and do the things that excite me. Reading, photography, writing, etc. You guys know that already. While I can't get away from work, I will find a way to insert slices of heaven into my groove to keep me alive and well. That'll be a challenge, but it has to be done. I'm going on a much needed vacation in 13 days with my dear JennWill, and I plan to use every second of every day either relaxing or having fun. I might just leave my phone off the entire time (and of course check in with the fam every once in a while). Separation from everything back home WILL BE KEY.

So here's to holding on for a little bit longer. Hibernate and then release.