Dear Journal,

I don't really have a topic per se. I just want to write. Writing is therapeutic. I guess you can say it's because it's the only time that I can be completely honest. My journal is the only place where I can tell all my secrets and be sure that they won't be told. It's the only place where I can tell all my secrets and not be judged. It's nice having somewhere to un-load your mind's activity. For some reason though, I can't re-read my journal entries. I have 9 journals to be exact with the first one starting June 22, 1996. I can't believe I've been keeping journals for over 10 years. There are so many memories, thoughts, ideas and points in those journals. But something keeps me from going back. I guess I don't really want to go back. I don't want to re-live the less bright moments of my life. I'm pretty sure that most of what I thought was important will look pretty dumb to me now. Maybe that's why I can't go back. I'll be embarassed at some of the decisions I made and the emotions I felt. I know there's a lot of growth in those 9 journals, but still. I can't read them... They're not a waste though! I actually began writing for a rather special reason. I began recording my life because I always wished I knew what my mother thought and felt at my age. When parents get older, they tend to forget that they once had the same emotions that their 9, 13 and 17 year olds had. The gap in mindsets often widen the gap between parents and children, so I decided that I would help close that gap with my future children through my journals. When I have a daughter, I look forward to reviewing my journals and presenting them to her as she goes through some of the same experiences I had. I think it'll keep us close. I also think it's some of the best gifts she'll ever receive. Knowing that her mother was once as stupid, silly, goofy and dramatic as she is will validate her. It'll also make her recognize that I'm a real person and not just a mother full of rules and discipline. Some journals should probably be kept until she's rather mature though. I'm sure I'll be able to teach her the difference, but I don't want my child to ever use anything I write against me. All teenagers go through that rebellious period, so I would have to time my journaled gifts very accurately. The way this world is going though, I wouldn't be surprised if my daughter goes through some of the feelings and lessons I went through at earlier ages than I did. I didn't start thinking about sex until junior or senior year of high school. The way things are going now, I'm probably going to be able to give her the journal with related thoughts when she's in the 8th grade! It's scary how bad things are getting. My mother even asked me if I wanted to still have children in this crazy time of day. I feel like I still do, but I almost think it would save a lot of grief to not have them. I wonder how much influence I can have over my child even with the crazy influences of the world coming at her 24/7. I think my parents did a pretty good job keeping the world's influences in check. They managed to shelter me from the unfortunate experiences. Some might say I was too sheltered as I wasn't allowed to watch The Simpsons or In Living Color and R-rated movies for example, but looking back on it, I think they're wrong. Yeah, I had to learn some things the hard way, but it all worked out. My parents instilled common sense and fear in my sister and me. That pretty much offset everything else. Back to the journals though... I think I'll present every subsequent journal to my daughter AFTER she's already gone through certain stages of her life. She might not be ready for the journal I wrote in from 14 to 16 years of age until she's 17. That way she'll know better and won't use my experiences as her own. That way she'll be able to see that her mother did the same things, made the same mistakes, and felt the same things that she did... I've thought a lot about this one ladies and gentleman. And I just came in here to write! See...that's what I love about writing, especially when you have nothing in particular to write about. Your mind just takes you wherever it wants to go. It's so honest and unforgiving. You can't hide from it and you can't lie. Through this entry right here, it just hit me that parenting is no easy thing. I knew this, but it's going to be a lot harder for me and my future husband than it was for my mother and father. It's also going to be harder for future generations of kids too. =/ But as for writing, as long as you agree to put no limits on your expression, putting ideas down on paper (or on a screen) can be a thrilling experience. I can think back on some journal entries where I took four and five pages just to write about how I felt when someone looked at me and said I was pretty. I have whole journal entries about the world of frienship, the need for money, the exploration of my more sensual side. I have entries about not knowing what to do, about how to get to know a person, and about what's inappropriate to say. There's a million things to write about. And even though I have 9 journals, I feel like I haven't even begun to touch on 1/4 of them. Anyway, this has already gotten too long, so I'll leave you with this idea. Open your minds, be honest with yourself and write to your heart's content! It sure helped me figure myself out. Maybe it'll help you too.

Oh and write someone a letter!! It's a great way to tell someone you care.

Love,

J