The Sisterhood of Waiting Wives

There's nothing wrong with our ex-men. They all accomplish their goals and work hard for what they want. All speak very well and can hold intelligent conversations with various groups of people. They know how to make us feel like queens for a while. They treat us with respect and have all declared their love for us. They fit well into our circles and blend nicely with our families. They are all clean, shaven, good-looking, well-dressed men... Pause... Unfortunately (and fortunately come to find out) not-a one of them is ready. One man says that he doesn't know what's wrong with him, but promises he's in love. Another one says he can't be the man he knows he should be in a marriage. Yet another says, 'I'm too rusty and need more time.' And another plainly wants to leave his options open.

I believe the consensus around the room is that we don't have the time nor the energy. From one girlfriend to the next, the message is clear. "I'm tired of the b.s. If he wants me, he'll step correctly. Until then, every trace of him WILL be deleted." I'ma tell you right now, and brother's be forewarned, there's a some sort of women's revolution going on around here, and I love it. I'm very proud to be a member of this group, especially because the membership seems to be at an all time high. (Well actually, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Maybe the 'misery loves company' cliche' should be entered here?) I have never been surrounded by so many intelligent, worthy, determined, yet enormously exhausted sisters in my life. While broken hearts abound, not one of us is crumbled to the point where we're willing to sacrifice our self-esteem and dignity for the unfullfilling "love" of these exes, or any other man. We're known to be very emotional creatures who crave the attention, dedication and touch of a man, yet as I look around at the faces in the room, including my own, I see pain turned into wisdom and desperation turned into maturity. We're all past our teenage and newbie 20 years where we fall stupidly in love and announce to the world that one day we'll marry this can-do-no-wrong-boy that we just met 4 months ago. The days of persistant flirting are gone as we now know that its dire consequences can leave us in compromising sexual situations. Our identities are now defined within ourselves instead of by what a man thinks, wants or needs. We actually recognize that until married, we come first. What a concept! Each member of my sisterhood is regaining strength.

Some are still hurt. Some have their temporary angry going on. Some are very quiet. But what feels good is that we all understand - each other and ourselves. We're encouraging one another and sticking really really really close when a potential suitor walks into the mix. No woman will battle the elements on her own! "What did he say after you said that?... What?!... Oh no. Girl, look. Yes, he's fine and conversation flows easy, but don't forget what's real." Sharing the necessary information has never been more important. It saves a lot of time, disappointment, rolling of the neck, tongue lashing, and sleepless nights as well as assists in opening eyes when they're willingly shut as a reaction to his exquisite charm and big muscular back. Even though the support group is always available, we're also learning to be keen about what to divulge and what to handle on our own. Half of growing up is learning to dicipher foreign situations on your own using your internal compass - common sense, past experiences and gut instinct.

We're united in faith and hope. Each and every one of us knows that our Mister Mister is slowly or perhaps diligently preparing himself for us. The ain't-no-good-men-out-here-hype doesn't persuade us. For the mere fact that we've all be ready to run to the alter with "a good man' shows that marriage material does exist. We're all waiting wives. For now, we relish our singledom. We take pride in how far we've come and take pleasure our sisterhood. We convene frequently to do the things ladies do - laugh, shop, pursue higher education, swap stories, form businesses, travel, eat, build careers, dress, give advice, and simply be there. That well-known email chain that encourages women to never forget their girlfriends comes to mind. How pertinent and true in these times.

I am a proud member of The Sisterhood of Waiting Wives.

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I already can't wait to get out of here.
Got plans tonight.
I'm nervous about getting my hair cut.
Not sure how it'll look on me.
Watch I punk out.
I have a lot of pictures for my stylist.
She's always amazing a pulling things together.
However, I hate this current cut she gave me.
It's just a large bowl.
Which would be fine if I was a celebrity.
Or if I was doing a high fashion spread.
But I'm not.
My sister decided not to leave town.
That's good.
My grandmother's extraordinarly excited to see me.
I'm almost scared.
lol.
"We are conducting tests on the fire alarm system."
Great.
I guess I'll just turn my music up louder.
Today's the 27th.
5 more days until September.
I need to find a nude lipstick.
This girl pinned up on my wall has a perfect shade on.
She looks very pretty.
"Pretty".
I don't like that word.
I hated it when people said I was pretty.
I would be the one to take it as a insult huh?
Pretty just wasn't grown enough.
It was very elementary and safe.
One thing's for sure, I never wanted to look safe.
Even though that's who I am.
Safe j.a.c.
I just looked across my desk and saw the Obamas.
I despise politics.
I don't care who's running.
I might get stabbed for that but whatever.
Politics are evil.
Put me on the other team.
Religion.
Oh no!
I was supposed to have something today for someone!
I forgot!
Gotta make a phone call.

Cosmic

On Repeat: Sol-Angel & The Hadley Street Dreams

There was a hair grease stain on the window by my seat. So my view into the world was smeared and foggy this morning. Perfect background for the song I was listening to. "Cosmic Journey". Tell me where do we go on this wide and traveling open road.To the hills where the love people go.Far in the night you and I.Don't look back you will find me.Cosmic journey and I love you I swear.Won't you go deeper than deep can take you to me.Make the words roll over your tongue to mine.Cuz I probably kiss you better than I'll tell you.The way you touch feels so sublime. I'm not sure where my mind was during my commute. I think Solange and Bilal overpowered me. I was up in the galaxies somewhere for sure; just floating around with big hair. Sounds like a video concept.

Untitled

"What do you want?!", she said out loud as she looked at her caller ID. It was him again. That annoying humming noise she hated began to ring in her ears. She closed her eyes to help pacify the sound in her head and tossed her iPhone on the bed. The darkness wasn't helping. She would need to lay down. Everytime he calls, she goes through this. Her world becomes a little more grey. Keeping her eyes closed she blindly curled into the fetal position and balled her tiny hands into fists by her head. "Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry." No matter how reassuring her words, a tear always seem to escape the bars that her eyelashes were providing. She was feeling overwhelmed. Her mother told her the best way to get through moments like this but when the emotions took over, she forgot everything. All rationale was lost. More tears flooded her face and began to soak the white duvet cover she bought earlier in the week. She loved duvet covers and currently had 10 of them stuffed in her linen closet. But as was her subconscious rule, she never used a duvet cover twice. She tried to, but the memories associated with that large piece of fabric would set her off into a tunnel of sadness. 'Britton used to love me under this cover... I'll just die without him... I'm going to be lonely forever... What's the use of living...' After re-gaining her strength and sensibilities approximately 1 month after each of her man-induced breakdowns, she'd fold the duvet, stuff it on the top shelf, and buy a new one. The current, tear-stained duvet cover under her tiny body was number 11. 11 men, 11 duvet covers. The muscles in her stomach began to release causing her fetal position to lax a little. Her legs began to straighten and her fists were no longer clenched. "Breathe. Breathe. Breathe." Rolling over onto her back, she opened her eyes and wiped the remaining tears from her temples. "You know better than this," she chastised to the ceiling. "Get it together. Count to 10 and then get up. 1...2...3...4..." The vibrations by her knee distracted her count. "You have an incoming call. Answer the phone. You have an incoming call." A ghastly pang struck her stomach. Squeezing her eyes shut, she rolled back into the fetal position and clenched her fists back into tiny balls. "Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry."

I'm A Movie Star

Have you ever known that you belong with someone after one conversation? I haven't. But I keep watching movies where that's the case. What's that like and why can't it be that simple? "Dan In Real Life" was a great movie. As light and fluffy as I felt after the movie, I crashed really hard when the next two minutes of real life kicked in. But I don't care because getting away feels so great. For the hour and 40 minutes that I'm breathing in another land, I know what it feels like to be in love or to experience the cute little surprises that make me giggle and the weird moments that make me cock my head to the side. I enjoy all of it. The open and free moments that seem perfectly set up. Genuine moments. I'm waiting for life to make me giggle and cock my head but I bet that the audience member who's watching my life would say that it already has. I'm in love with the way movies make me feel. The trouble is that I look for that feeling in life. Memorable character introductions where 'he' magically walks into my life and flawless crescendos that leave me breathless. I'm probably the biggest hopeful romantic ever. It's hard to remember that life is a little more jagged. Bump a little. Life is extraordinarily jagged. I would love to watch my own movie one day. People seem to have touching things to say about me but I'm always surprised. I'd love to see what they're referring to. Why do I always feel like I'm a work in progress searching for a better me then? What is everyone else talking about? Eh. What was I talking about? Ah. Movies. I love movies. Perhaps to my detriment being that I want to live in them, but what can I say. I love pain too. =)

Change Is Me

After monumental changes, it always takes me a while to find not only happiness, but myself. Learning how to fit in, what my purpose is, whether I want to fullfill that purpose, how to be, how to look, where to find solitude, where to find people, how to feel at home... It's all such a challenge when you abandon everything you know. After change, there are so many readjustments to be made. Not surprisingly though, most of them are mental. I fight conversion. Physically and mentally alientating myself from new surroundings seem to be the easiest way to fight. No, this isn't where I'm from. Naw, I don't know nothing about that. Uh uh, that's not how we do it where I'm from. No, that's alright cuz I'm going home for the weekend. There's no such thing as "when in Rome, do as the Romans do" for me. I resist change until it's humanly impossible. I don't know when that 'humanly impossible' time hit during this trip, but that time is long gone. I'm finally blissfuly happy with my life. I am no longer just a Washingtonian. What I am now is a Washingtonian who found herself in California and grew into womanhood in New York. I have layers upon layers upon layers of an identity. As it turns out, change is my best friend. Who I am is a result of change.

John Legend ft. Andre 3000 : Green Light

Cassie ft. Lil Wayne : Official Girl

Ne-Yo : Miss Independent

Watch: "The Black List: Vol. 1"

If you are anything like me, and weren't too happy about the "Black in America" segments presented by CNN and Essence, you'll be refreshed by director Timothy Greenfield-Sanders' documentary, "The Black List: Vol. 1". I just came back from the screening and I have that good feeling you get when you're proud to be an African-American. Make sure you check it out on Monday, August 25th at 9pm EST on HBO.

"Journalist Elvis Mitchell interviews twenty African American leaders, ranging from athletes and academics to politicians, social activists, and artists, providing a series of living portraits-a unique glimpse into the zeitgeist of black America-and redefining traditional notions of a "blacklist". "

IMDb

Addicted to Fashion

You don't know how high I feel right now. Ladies and gentleman, LET ME TELL YOU.

I feel marvelous!

My clothes look good, my hair is tight and my booty is shaking from the left to the right.

To the Left!

To the Right!

lol.

Ya'll remember that rhyme?!

I don't think it went exactly like that, but you know what I mean. =)

But seriously.

I walked into K.R.'s office and she gave me the nicest compliment ever!

She said she was bragging about me to her best friend.

That I have a personal style and body that she admires.

I was looking at her like "huh?"

Out of all the beautiful women here at Essence, you're looking at ME as your prototype?

She said that other people try too hard.

That's funny cuz my inspiration definitely comes from other women here.

They're sharpening me!

We all sharpen each other!

I think it's just the dress though.

Three people, including our president, gave me compliments on it.

I'm finally getting my Italian Vogue: The Black Issue! YES!

I looked through someone else's copy this this morning and I was in awe.

It was almost if I didn't want to touch the pages for fear of fingerprint marks.

I'm so inspired now!

Can I do a photoshoot?!

I just want to do one photoshoot.

Be glamorous for a day in haute couture.

I'm definitely planning my trip for Paris and London now.

My sis and I are going to go together.

It'll be the perfect trip for us.

I told her that her money not need be funny, cuz it's on.

Perhaps we'll do Milan, Italy too!

Geez I love fashion!

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I re-learned about training the conscience while reading on the bus this morning.
People don't have consciences anymore.
They just do whatever it is they feel like doing.
I remember when my conscience began to get weak.
When I just didn't care.
Not a good look on me.
I'm ready to plan my next trip.
I desperately want to go abroad to Paris and London.
I'm even contemplating going by myself.
Going in a big group would be counter-productive for me.
Coordinating preferences, differing personalities, gathering large amounts of money.
Naw son.
3 people max.
I just want to enjoy the sites and shop.
You think I can save a grand for shopping alone?
Lol.
Hey, you never know.
It could be possible if I plan the trip for 2010.
The fam reunion is next year anyway.
*rolling my eyes*
I didn't think my family was one of those families with drama.
All I request is that you leave me out of it.
I don't want to know.
I'm still looking for that haircut.
I have until the 28th to pull all of my potential haircuts together.
Can you believe that August is almost over?
Back to school kiddies!
I watched MTB last night.
You know why I'm looking forward to this season.
Cuz I like performing arts preparations.
Rehearsals, learning choreography, promotion, photography.
Production.
That's my kind of stuff.
Possibly the most exciting time of the whole thing.
I remember when we used to spend nights in the recording studio.
I remember teaching choreography in my parent's basement.
Those were the fun times.
Ah memories.
I've begun reading some of my old blogs.
Some of them seem so foreign to me.
There was a blog about a crush back in 2007.
I don't even know who that blog was about!
What else is going on?
The fam is taking a trip to my grandmother's over labor day weekend.
Dad is talking about spending the night out there.
I don't want to.
I was trying to do some things with my labor day weekend evenings.
I was hoping to be in and out.
I know that's wrong though.
All my grandmother wants is to spend time with me.
I need to chalk it up and be the loving grandchild that I should be.
She got a new house too so she's excited for me to see it.
My emotions will get there once we pull up into her driveway.
Don't worry.
I'll be right in there with her.
Feeling the joy.
*sigh*
Have a good day people.

Fall Fashion

Heavy Sweaters and Sweater Dresses







Jewel or Dark Toned Bags










Eccentric Tights





Heels with Laces or Jewel Tones









Riding Boots







What else?

the perfect rain/snow boot
stone heavy, gold and wooden jewelry
brown, green, or gold reading glasses
animal prints
pairing ebony and ivory

Am I missing anything? Add on please!

My Heart is Glowing

I just HAVE to share my girl's recent date with you. Unfortunately her suitor of the evening is not exactly her type, but nevertheless this experience is worth sharing. I tried to think of a creative way to present this, but our gchat conversation will have to do for now. Prepare to be amazed ladies and gentleman.

S: j.a.c, the date was amazing. details will come later, it's kinda long. i'll just say, very well put together. very thought out and good preparation. he gets an A++ for effort.

me: WoW! so are there more dates to come?

S: maybe. i'm still not that into him.

me: yeah... oh well. at least it was a nice experience. you have such a high bar now for dates to measure up to.

S: yes, very high. he planned an activity for us to do. it was so funny but so cute.

me: an activity?!

S: yes! with paper, markers, crayons and water color paint.

me: OMG! that's so fun!!! he brought all this stuff? and didn't have a car?!

S: 2 bags on his back!

me: what?! that's crazy! i've never! i'm like cheesing right now. see... it doesn't take much. crayons and a blanket lol

S: yep!

me: i have to write about this on the blog. extraordinary!

S: you can't write till you here the whole thing

me: ok i'll wait til Friday but i'm so excited

S: i'll prob tell u before then, but it is soooo cute

me: please do! i need to draft something soon so my excitement won't wear off lol

S: lol. ok. so he met me by my job and said not to ask where we were going. we took the 1 train to rector st and i was trying to figure out where the heck in manhattan we were. turns out we were in battery park so he's trying to find the actual park area and we head towards the water. talk about a great view. so we find a spot in the grass and he sets up. he spreads a rough blanket, then a soft one, and pulls out 2 pillows. i laugh like are we gonna lay down? and he says, no it's for out butts so they don't hurt

me: lol

S: then he pulls out an eating tray, puts out the strawberries with sugar, pineapples, grapes, cheese and crackers, and cocktail shrimp, which he sauteed himself then comes the plastic wine cups for our raspberry flavored welch's sparkling juice, nonalcoholic. i'm sitting on a legde smiling as i wait for him to finish. people walking by are looking and smiling at our setup, cuz of course it was so cute. now comes the ipod with 2 small speakers

me: shutup! oh my gosh! i'm smiling so hard that i'm tearing!

S: we sit, we eat, drink and talk about various things. after about an hour, we are done snacking. he says he has an activity for us to do. he pulls out the materials and says we have to draw each other and our first impresseions of one another. he thought i was too hardcore to want to do a picnic in the park

me: lol. i can see that.

S: so we draw for about 15 min, we had to sign and date it, and then present it. my drawing was wack because my artistic abilities are null and void. his was funny. we got to keep each others drawing, he wants to hang it on his wall. it looks like a 4 yr olds drawing. stick figure and all

me: LMBO

S: then he takes out a camera, and we stand by the ledge of the water facing the sun that's slowly going down. he takes a picture of me, with the sun in the background. very nice, skyline and all, then a lady takes one of the 2 of us. very nice. then he makes me sit and watch the sun fully set, though i have to pee so bad. after that, we clean up, pack up and head towards the train. i stop at the ritz carlton to pee and he walks me to my train. we hug, i thank him for a successful picnic and he said hopefully i'll see you again and i say yes. then we went our separate ways. how cute!

me: VERY cute! kudos to him! that was the best date i've ever heard of. i didn't even know that existed!

Now you KNOW that was the business! shrimp he sauteed himself?! water color paint?! so not only did he go to the grocery store, but he went to the back to school section in CVS as well! That man deserves a round of applause! He went HARD! I dare you to tell me that you've had a better date. Lol!

get over it

i still get that no so good feeling when weddings are mentioned. i met a young woman at dinner the other night who's getting married on 10/10/10. (we considering getting married on 8/8/08.) i was happy for her, but had to take a deep breath at the same time. malinda williams has been blogging on essence.com as she counts down to her wedding day. since today was her last blog before the big day this Saturday, i finally decided to check it out. i couldn't get through the whole thing before getting sad. i closed the window shortly after reading about her experience buying wedding bands. i found my wedding band, and remember the experience like it was yesterday. geez. i thought i would be over this by now.

Style Is Forever

My mind has been on fashion more than usual. In the past, I've usually worn whatever looks good on me, but lately, I've been studying fashion like it's my college major. I've been reading up on clean lines, fabric textures, the history of the stiletto, trend vs. style, etc. Head to toe fashion is suddenly becoming my art.


I love my wardrobe. This is the first time that I've liked every single piece of clothing that I own. When I moved to New York, I went through a huge purge and gave away all the items that I hadn't worn in a year or that I knew I wasn't going to wear again. I even gave up old pieces that I loved, but needed replacing.




Looking forward, I plan on cultivating more of my personal style. There are a couple of style staples on my mind that I'm looking forward to digging into. For instance, my hair. I love having short hair but there's something about my current haircut that is still not quite right. I'm looking for "the j.a.c.". There's 'the rihanna' and 'the jennifer (aniston)', 'the halle berry' and 'the katie holmes'. I need that crazy sick haircut that fits me perfectly. I think I need to go shorter. Once it's cut right, I'll know. My search continues.




While I search, I'm going to invest some time and money in accessories. My mom used to always say, if you can only afford one thing, buy an accessory. While shoes and bags are important, chunky necklaces with colorful stones, vintage earrings and graphic bangles/cuffs are next on my list. I'm sure there are loads of fantastic vintage/thrift stores in the city so I plan on using my upcoming Saturday to find them. I'm searching for the diamond in the rough!






With the fall around the corner, I'm also ready for a new scent. I can't STAND floral or fruity scents. Even when someone's around me who's wearing that disgusting fruity V.S. stuff, I want to puke. I am definitely not a fruity girl. I looking for something clean and light for the day time and spicy for the night. I'll probably stick with my Narcisco Rodriguez for nights, but my day time perfume will be something fresh. Someone recommended Acqua di Parma Blu Mediterraneo Mirto di Panarea (long name right?), so I'll probably add that to the list if the smell pleases me.







And finally, lipstick. I'm a little nervous about venturing into the land of matte, but I found a great guide in the InStyle Makeover that will help. At my age, I think it's time to get rid of shiny lips. I'm thinking about a nude like Rimmel London Lasting Finish in Birthday Suit or Prestige Satin Pearl in Diva. (I told you I've been studying!) And I've always wanted a sexy red pout. MAC's Russian Red looks like it could be perfect for me. Perhaps I'll get a MAC consultation after work tomorrow. That should be fun.








After all that's taken care of, I'll be ready to focus on my fall clothing list and check off the power suit, an oversized clutch, the perfect pair of colorful heels, riding boots, and skinny belts.


Can't wait to shop!

My Sincerest Apologies

You don't know how badly I want to get rid of the preceding blog. I thought about taking it down but I'm not going to be so obvious and fake. I was very disappointed when I wrote that blog. The feelings that I had were real. Real or not, that's no excuse to blast out my male complements like that. Sure they do dumb things. We all do. But they get enough punches from other people without having to put up with an angry, black woman. Let me ask this question though. There's such a horrible stigma to being an angry, black woman, but are we ever allowed to become such? I'm not saying that I would want to stay an angry, black woman because I know that's not only detrimental to him, but to myself as well. Every once in a while though...are we allowed to be disappointed in each other to the point where we don't want to be bothered? If I was to answer my own question, I would say "sure we are!" The few times that I disappointed my parents (and yes I did say few... I was a rather quiet, good child which made my color-outside-of-the-lines sister hate me that much more), they were very clear that they did not want to be bothered with me. But the difference between what they did and what I did was that they didn't blast it to the world, (unless you count every aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent, next door neighbor and mentor as the world - cuz you know they told them). So, I guess an apology is due. I know an apology is due.

I'm sorry to anyone and everyone that was offended by my last post. I'm especially sorry to all of my brothers. I no way did I intend to smack you in the face or slam you down harder than you already are. I know it's rough out there without having to deal with an angry, black woman on your back. I am so sorry.

Well, I initially signed on to blog about my day. That "Men Bashing" blog kept staring me in the face though. I needed to address it. Anyway, being that today is Friday, I had quite a bit of time on my hands to surf through blog world. I came across plenty of incredible blogs that I must add to my tag team immediately. As a matter of fact, some of my existing tags might need to go. During my surfing, however, I realized that I need to step up my game; big time. My writing skills need to be enhanced and I need to compliment my words with captivating or artsy pictures/photographs and art. One of the things I like about my blog though is how simple it is. A blog visit can be slightly overwhelming when pictures and banners and ads and mumbo jumbo swamp the page. It's such a turn off. I'm a fan of K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid). Perhaps I'll return to my creative writing projects. Exercise my brain a little and throw in a few short fiction stories. We'll see. I don't have the time to spend large amounts of time on a post. If I'm in the mood, I'll let the creative juices flow. I'm glad that I was able to surf though. It was really inspiring. And I learned something new. Check out Belle's blog to see what I mean. Have a good weekend everyone.

Men Bashing

Normally, I don't bash on my beautiful, brown, tall, sexy brothas. I try to stay out of the angry, black woman role, but tonight, ya'll are making me just about want to throw up in my mouth. Please, someone clue me in! What is it that goes through those jacked up little brains of yours?! How can you be so selfish and apathetic when you're dealing with a woman's heart and emotions? If you are supposed to treat the women in your life (whether she be your friend, wife, associate, co-worker, girlfriend or WHATEVER), like you treat yourself, then ya'll are seriously treating yourselves like punching bags. What happened to honest communication? What happened to stepping outside of yourself for another human being? Ya'll just don't realize what you have in the palm of your hands - women who are willing to bend over backwards to be everything that you want her to be. All she wants to be is yours. Freakin incredible I tell you. I think all the men in the world have officially lost their minds. You Beautiful Idiots.

Ok. I'm done. No more bashing. =)

Have a Great Day People!

Morning world!

Can you guess how I'm feeling this morning?! He he he. The right song came on my iPod just before I stepped off the bus. I was jamming in the subway. Didn't even care that I left my cell at home. When I walked into the kitchen a few minutes ago to retrieve my toasted cinnamon raisin bagel, my co-worker asked me how I was doing this morning. I replied with an astounding "GREAT" and he was like "OH!" Lol. He wasn't expecting such a happy reply. He said he was going to work on 'great' too and that my attitude is contagious. It was a simple exchange but it made my day. I love making people happy! I burned the roof of my mouth with a hot slice of cheese pizza yesterday. I still feel it. I had to cram it down my throat because I was on my way to Bible study. It was so good though. I love New York pizza. How in the world am I going to keep up with Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, The Hills, 90210, MTB4, and The Game this season without TiVO? That's one thing I don't like about tv schedules and seasons. Why do they all have to hit at the same time man?! It's all "great" though. Just know that Monday nights, I'm out of commission. From 8 to 11. Don't even TRY calling me unless it's to talk about the shows. Yes. It's that serious. Labor day weekend is around the corner. I have a 4 day weekend! Yipee! I wonder what I should do. My mom says to come home. I have to be home the very next weekend after that as well. I enjoy going home. As a matter of fact, let me buy my ticket now. Done. Did you see the Olympics last night?! Good stuff. I can't wait until Track & Field starts on Friday. As for plans this weekend... Girls movie night on Friday and then a bbq in the BX Saturday. Low key just how I like it. Hopefully I can be in bed by 10:30 both nights. =) Duty calls! Have a great day people!

One Inna Million

Tell me how does it feel

I bet it feels good

I bet it feels so good

To be One

Inna Million

You know that I know

But you don't ever show it

So don't nobody know

You keep it on the low

You gotta beautiful soul

Tell me how does it feel

to be One

Inna Million

i'm lucky to be touched by the brilliance of black women everyday. to walk the halls at work and peer into the brown eyes of the legends on our walls and the everyday women walking past me. everytime i get close enough to soak in the strength, pose, energy, beauty, fight, will power, charisma, endurance, determination, intelligence, etc., i suddenly feel moved and energized. black women are some of the most beautiful of speciman on this earth. with every romantic curve, striking facial feature and glorious crown of hair, they stand so powerful and tall. and talk about versatility! no black woman is alike. i'm not sure why i'm talking about 'them' as if i'm not one of 'them', but when i see the faces of black women that i admire, i feel like i see them for the first time. i become like a little child who hopes and prays that one day i can radiate like they do. to all the ruby dees, michelle obamas, oprah winfreys, kerry washingtons, rachel roys, jada pinket smiths, michelle ebanks', dorothy dandridges... thank you for being one inna million. i absolutely LOVE black women.

Readjust

Things kinda spun out of control today. I don't know how... Wait... Stop. That's not true. I DO know how. I know exactly where I let the control slip out of my fingers. (Isn't it funny how we always seem to blame things on the air when we're clearly in the wrong?) I thought that I could be big and bad and do the same thing that other people do, but as is normally the case, I was quickly readjusted. My friends and acquaintances never get caught when stealing from the cookie jar. But as soon as I reach for that cookie, not only does the 10 bell alarm go off, but I find myself face down on the ground with a knee in my back and handcuffs on my wrists. And even worse, my mom and dad appear out of no where looking at me with disapproving expressions. I can't get away with anything!

Because of the experiences I've had, I assumed I could build an ice block around my heart and run around the city not caring. I tried to be contrary to who I truly am. Hard. Emotionless. Frank. Blunt. Inattentive. Negligent. Well that lasted all of what? 1 week? I've had more crazy WTH moments than I care to mention.

The holy spirit must be my best friend because its protection is extraordinary. There's no way that all of the things that happened today were mere coincidences. I've been warned left and right and have no business ignoring the message. I need to slow down, realign myself, and be the mushy, romantic, and soft but smart, attentive and quick j.a.c. that I am.

Lol. I really tried not to care ya'll! Who am I kidding?! Lol. Oh I crack myself up.

Please Baby, Baby Please!

Jaguar Wright's song "Let Me Be The One" is on. Everytime I hear this song, I get nauseous. I can't stand it when women beg men to be with them. Ugh! "I can be everything you need as long as you let me...\We could have so much fun if only you would let me...\Let me be your girl\I'll give you the world". There's something about a woman begging a man to be with her that drives me crazy. Maybe it's because I was that girl for a quick second. It seriously makes me woozie when I think about how I pleaded for him to stay with me. What makes it worse is that he broke up with me because he said he couldn't be all that I needed him to be. But you know how we do. We'll beg and plead all because of the fear of being alone. All because "the plan" says we were supposed to be married two years ago. Ladies! Where is our pride?! Our dignity?! Our self-esteem?! You don't see men carrying on and crying after a woman. If you did nothing wrong, please don't beg a man to be with you. If you don't see what it is that he's losing without you, how will he?

Check out Brown Sistas post here on why we stay in relationships longer than we should.

Sitting Here On A Sunday Morning

Because this has come up more than once...
I'm not interested in being anyone's girlfriend. I'm not a play thing either. The object of the game is to keep it light and airy. At the moment, your girl just wants to have fun. Act a fool. Run through Six Flags. Skip through the streets of NY. Watch football at the sports bar. Go to concerts. Whatever. Just chill.

Before I left the house, I watched Phelps get his first gold medal last night. That man is making serious history. 7 Olympic Gold Medals so far?! Olypmic AND World records?! WHAT?! I'm on Team Phelps. Now I'm watching the China vs. USA basketball game. I kinda feel bad for China. There's no way they'll do any damage. Look at the team. Wade, Bryant, Anthony, Paul, James, Kidd. And now look at the score. 74 to 46. Oh wow. The announcers just said that Yao Ming got married last summer to his basketball player girlfriend who is 6'2". How sweet. Considering his height, I'm glad he married someone 'on his level'. lol.

I was supposed to have a Bible study today. Trying to get back on my game. Re-invest my heart a little. Now that's an emotional relationship worth my attention.

I have a farewell brunch to attend today at 2. That probably means I shouldn't eat this morning. My girl left Alvin Ailey and will be moving to St. Louis. I can't imagine the devastation professional dancers feel when they decide to hang up their dance shoes. All because of her knee too. That's tough man.

I had a ball last night thanks to L.G. She's been telling me "stick with me kid" so that I can enjoy my time here in NY. Well she was right. Where would I be without her?! You know how much of a homebody I am. Cheers to my new entertainment director L.G.!

RIP Bernie Mac

Olympics Update

So far I've watched the Americans clutch all three medals for fencing. That seemed like a nice feeling for those ladies. When the same U.S. flag took all three positions, the gold medalist cried.

I was really interested in the cycling event, but I guess it's going to be a rather long competition because they cut to rowing. The U.S. didn't do too well there. Some diesel, mannish looking woman sweeped her semi-final win. Shortly afterwards was double men's and four men. The U.S. was able to qualify for the finals in the four men rowing competition, but you can tell that rowing isn't our thing. Qualification heats are rather wack though. No ones at 100% and it's a waste of my viewing time.

Now for volleyball. I love watching this sport. These women are serious! Dripping in sweat. Viciously spiking balls into their opposers territory. It's so evil in a way. Especially when you see how their muscles buldge and all the strength the put into slamming the ball to the ground. Geah! I love it.

I love athletes. Their bodies. Their passion. Their strength. They're the best in the world!

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!

I have NEVER been more excited about a STYTCD Season Finale than I was tonight. OMG!!! JOSHUAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I can't even pretend like I'm docile right now. I seriously lost my mind.

Ya'll. Two Hip Hop Dancers. Two Black MEN. Left standing in the finale. WHAT?! WHAT?!

In all serious though, I am SO proud of them. I feel like those are my cousins up there. I am so happy.

Congratulations Twitch. And CONGRATULATIONS JOSHUA!

Ahh... This show makes me blissfuly happy. It's one of the rare moments where I feel nothing but pure joy. My heart is so warm.

Psych Ward

I'm saddened.

My peers and I are being bumped from our location and forced to the far end of the building. The location of our new desks are so isolated that we call it the psych ward. White walls, echoes, humming lights, no visitors... It's horrible. It's just enough to make me dislike coming to work. I haven't had that early morning feeling since I left my last job. The one where I open my eyes and suddenly wish I hadn't; wishing pain to one part of my body so that I can call in sick. It's devastating to hate your job. I'm serious when I say that the effects of this move will have mental and emotional repercussions. My manager fought it with all her might, and for that, I love her. I need to be around young, humorous, busy bodies. The Essence.com team has served as such. I really do fear that dread I used to feel, so I've decided to take action and make the most of the move. I'm not sure how to convert the psych ward into a lively hub of entertainment, but I do know that my first step will be to bring flowers into work every Monday. Different ones every week. I then will need to surround myself with as many colorful photographs and clippings as possible. I'm not sure it'll completely distract me from the large, looming, white wall on my right, but it's a start. We might have to get some posters down there. And if my director even THINKS she can come over to us and say we can't put anything on the walls, I will go off. That woman just.... ugh! Ok. Calm down J. Anyway, it's amazing how much of an effect your surroundings have on your psyche. I now suddenly understand the adverse effects that living among damaged people - even if you're not one yourself - can have on a person. Well, ladies and gentlemen. Wish me well in the psych ward. If you have any suggestions to brighten the place, let me know!

Lloyd

Can you say 'in love'? Geez Louise! This album is off the hook.

Go Get It!

Writing is Constrictive

Writing has always and forever been a place of haven for me. Whatever was on my mind, I wrote without censorship. But as of lately, I haven't been able to do so. Consequently, I don't enjoy my blog as much as I used to. Before typing out a sentence, I run that very sentence through the little factory in my mind to make sure that it's blog proof. And that's just no fun. When I write, I don't want to have to think. I just want to let it loose. Anything and everything. Parts of me that I didn't know existed unless I was being completely and utterly honest with myself. Sentiments I neglected to feel until I poured out my soul on cyberspace's paper. But a lot of that has been lost. I have a journal as well, and that's where I usually go to pour my heart out, but Zuri She Wrote should be an outlet of equal measure. I feel restricted. So this is what I figure. I'm going to have to do either one of three things. Change the url of my blog, censor my content, or forget about my readers and write whatever the heck I want. I'm not so sure what the right choice is. And even if I change my site url, will I still give the same people the address? Because you know how it is...At times, certain posts are subtly directed at a particular person for the purpose of pointedly communicating to them in a way they would never expect. At other times, however, I wish they were overcome by amnesia and altogether forgot about my blog. It's a tough decision, only because I'm tired of writing for others but still want to share the best of me...and only the best of me. In reading ms. confessions blog, I feel the freedom she has in expressing her hearts desires. She talks about whatever and whoever she pleases. And it's clear that whoever she's talking about does not have access to her thoughts. So then that makes me think about the privacy of blogs. The words "privacy" and "blog" are a stark contradiction. People warn, "don't put your personal business out there!" but if I can't write what I want to write, then what's the purpose of a personal blog? I might as well not have one and stick to my journal. That might sound like a solution, however the dilemma is that as easy as it is to pick up a pen and paper, I find it much easier to sign on and type away. Writing by hand takes too long when you're burning to release a thought. Censor my content? Naw. I can't do that. I have to say what I want to say. You know what else I like about recording my true feelings? I can always go back and experience how ridiculous, immature and off-balance I was back in the day. And I'm not going back to read for the sake of embarrassment. I'm really going back to see how much I've grown. I first started keeping journals in 1995. So as of today, I have 7 journals chronicling the last 13 years of my life. That would make me 12 when I started writing. It's interesting that I haven't picked up an old journal and gone back yet. Regardless of what I just mentioned above about seeking my growth through my words, I'm a little scared to go back. I definitely recorded a lot of good times, but I'm most afraid to read about my heartbreaks, frustrations and anger. When you're a teenager, you go through more emotions than you know exist in that budding body of yours. Somehow, I feel that the raw emotions I penned would come back to life if I read them. I know it doesn't make sense, especially if these are emotions felt over a decade ago, but... I don't know. I'm getting off the subject though. Why blog if I can't say exactly what's on my mind? I'm tired of being self-conscious of what I write. There is already a list of subjects I try to stay away from. Men and sex being one of them. I can't talk about what led up to these very words - "I Love Men" - being blatantly and firmly impressed on my mind like a bold, neon, Vegas marquee today. Nor will I talk about how it feels or doesn't feel to nestle my cold nose into the warm flesh of a safe man's neck. Or how absolutely terrified I am to date. (This is now opening a whole 'nother can of worms that I WISH I could claw and rip into right now, but won't for the sake of my dignity and other people's feelings.) And then for the sake of the new Zuri She Wrote readers, I keep it mostly light, uplifting and general because I don't want it to appear to the untrained eye that I've lost my mind. lol. First impressions are everything. But there I go, thinking of other individuals again. Can I just be me?

I want to keep writing but I have nothing left to say, so...

...to be continued...or maybe not.