Writing is Constrictive

Writing has always and forever been a place of haven for me. Whatever was on my mind, I wrote without censorship. But as of lately, I haven't been able to do so. Consequently, I don't enjoy my blog as much as I used to. Before typing out a sentence, I run that very sentence through the little factory in my mind to make sure that it's blog proof. And that's just no fun. When I write, I don't want to have to think. I just want to let it loose. Anything and everything. Parts of me that I didn't know existed unless I was being completely and utterly honest with myself. Sentiments I neglected to feel until I poured out my soul on cyberspace's paper. But a lot of that has been lost. I have a journal as well, and that's where I usually go to pour my heart out, but Zuri She Wrote should be an outlet of equal measure. I feel restricted. So this is what I figure. I'm going to have to do either one of three things. Change the url of my blog, censor my content, or forget about my readers and write whatever the heck I want. I'm not so sure what the right choice is. And even if I change my site url, will I still give the same people the address? Because you know how it is...At times, certain posts are subtly directed at a particular person for the purpose of pointedly communicating to them in a way they would never expect. At other times, however, I wish they were overcome by amnesia and altogether forgot about my blog. It's a tough decision, only because I'm tired of writing for others but still want to share the best of me...and only the best of me. In reading ms. confessions blog, I feel the freedom she has in expressing her hearts desires. She talks about whatever and whoever she pleases. And it's clear that whoever she's talking about does not have access to her thoughts. So then that makes me think about the privacy of blogs. The words "privacy" and "blog" are a stark contradiction. People warn, "don't put your personal business out there!" but if I can't write what I want to write, then what's the purpose of a personal blog? I might as well not have one and stick to my journal. That might sound like a solution, however the dilemma is that as easy as it is to pick up a pen and paper, I find it much easier to sign on and type away. Writing by hand takes too long when you're burning to release a thought. Censor my content? Naw. I can't do that. I have to say what I want to say. You know what else I like about recording my true feelings? I can always go back and experience how ridiculous, immature and off-balance I was back in the day. And I'm not going back to read for the sake of embarrassment. I'm really going back to see how much I've grown. I first started keeping journals in 1995. So as of today, I have 7 journals chronicling the last 13 years of my life. That would make me 12 when I started writing. It's interesting that I haven't picked up an old journal and gone back yet. Regardless of what I just mentioned above about seeking my growth through my words, I'm a little scared to go back. I definitely recorded a lot of good times, but I'm most afraid to read about my heartbreaks, frustrations and anger. When you're a teenager, you go through more emotions than you know exist in that budding body of yours. Somehow, I feel that the raw emotions I penned would come back to life if I read them. I know it doesn't make sense, especially if these are emotions felt over a decade ago, but... I don't know. I'm getting off the subject though. Why blog if I can't say exactly what's on my mind? I'm tired of being self-conscious of what I write. There is already a list of subjects I try to stay away from. Men and sex being one of them. I can't talk about what led up to these very words - "I Love Men" - being blatantly and firmly impressed on my mind like a bold, neon, Vegas marquee today. Nor will I talk about how it feels or doesn't feel to nestle my cold nose into the warm flesh of a safe man's neck. Or how absolutely terrified I am to date. (This is now opening a whole 'nother can of worms that I WISH I could claw and rip into right now, but won't for the sake of my dignity and other people's feelings.) And then for the sake of the new Zuri She Wrote readers, I keep it mostly light, uplifting and general because I don't want it to appear to the untrained eye that I've lost my mind. lol. First impressions are everything. But there I go, thinking of other individuals again. Can I just be me?

I want to keep writing but I have nothing left to say, so...

...to be continued...or maybe not.