I Saved My Own Life

I forced my hand into my own chest
and pulled out the beating heart that pulsed wildly.
As I stared at the organ in my palm
my empty rib cage rattled with the cold breeze.
I watched the pain scatter over my nucleus
like millions of tiny black insects
with no where to belong...
..fearing the daylight that permeated them.
The bloody valves dripped between my fingers
and sent speckles of red to the crusty earth below.
The dark pain fell the the ground with it.
As the black dissipated to down below
I looked closer at the red ventricle in my hand.
Holes....
So many holes as if pain had eaten its parts away.
Clear through to the sod I saw.
Straight through my heart to the muddy terrain.

My body felt a sensation of relief and calm.
I looked out into the distance and extended my arm to the right.
Ever so carefully staring
with an expression intense and concentrated
I dropped my heart into the dirt.
Ignoring the thud
I took one step away and stopped at the feeling running within.
I looked down at the open crater in my core
and noticed.
The air passed through my open wound like a wind tunnel.
I was barren
desolate
sterile
depleted.
Void of any sentiment.
Scared stiff.

As if pulled by an inconvenient force
I peered over my right shoulder and looked back.
Perhaps out of fear and longing.
Perhaps out of sheer hope.
But wanting so badly to turn away.
To avoid the hell that I knew.
As suddenly as it pulled
the force snapped as I opened my eyes.
In single file formation
as if on an evil march of annihilation
the pain scurried towards my heels like a vicious plague.
All at once everything screamed.
Everything inside of me
along with that piece of me on the ground
now covered by dust
vibrated at my own deafening shrill.
The howl of my own fear
and wail of my gnawed at heart
ignited my feet.

Hollowness sucked into my chest
as I ran into the sun
terror-stricken at the blackness at my heels.
I ran and I ran and I ran
until I aligned myself with the sun.
In a desperate attempt for a clear freedom
I jumped into its warmth of a world
and was taken.
The sun looked at me lying weak in its arms
and said
'Yes indeed.
You saved your own life.
For a body without a heart can feel no more pain.
But a new heart you will need
to nourish the gift I have kept for you.'
At those ill-taken words
a pain pierced my right temple.
While trying to regain an ounce of strength to move
to run away again to another high mystery
the sun spoke to me in a hypnotic whisper.
'Darling don't be afraid.
The death will not find you.
For this time
it is ensured that I will be the one
to not save
but rather
to keep your life.'
Even in the sun's mesmorizing warmth and energy
I grew cold.
My weariness was beginning to take over my strength.
I blinked two times at the smiling face before me.
And that
is when
everything
went
black.

You Have Potential

Guess what this guy said to me tonight. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You know what? You have potential." Hmm... Now ladies... and even gentlemen, what exactly are you supposed to say to someone who decides that you have potential? Are you expected to nod your head in humble recognition and mumble a timid thank you or do you take the more conceited avenue and say, "No. The real question is do YOU have potential." No one has ever told me that I have "potential" so I wasn't quite sure how to take that. When he said it however, I felt a little confused. But was I confused because my head is too big and I figured that he just didn't know me, or was I confused merely because I wasn't prepared for that comment? Does my shock mean that I need a slice of humble pie or does it mean that I'm clearly aware of my worth and should never have to hear someone tell me that I have potential?

On the real though.. and this is just me being 100% honest... I do believe that most men can not measure up to my standards. I don't even want to get into what those standards are or what my "list" consists of, but I do believe that I am a pretty good catch. It's okay to believe that right? Rather, it's okay to KNOW that right?

Hahaha. That was funny. I hope I conceiled the look of shock on my face when he uttered those words. I understand that he may have been joking slightly, but I don't know. My girl can testify. Something wasn't quite right.

Lol. I have potential. Hmm... Okay.

Song of the Week

I'm in love with this song. One Republic and Timbaland. Apologize.

Good Energy on the 1st

Good Morning World! Happy August! Today is a beautiful day and I can already feel the days brilliance. The music in my ears is tickling my fancy and the heater under my desk is warming my soul. What better way to begin the morning? I'll be in meetings all day today with a bunch of good-ole-boys, so send me a little love via a text if you have the number. I could use the distraction. =)

I put together a 17 page script for the performing arts academy I'm working with yesterday. I was so proud of myself. That was a major accomplishment.

Jehovah answered my prayer. Imagine how fullfilling that was!

I woke up this morning, albeit late. lol.

An old friend called me yesterday and we talked for an hour and a half. That was great.

So what good things happened or are happening to you? Share! I wanna feel everyone's good energy today.

Faith

Wow - How right on time is this?

http://bmorebaplife.blogspot.com/2007/07/leap-of-faith.html

Oh so NOW they want me?

Warner Brothers, Paramount and Disney all left voicemails for me yesterday. *sigh* Should I interview or should I walk away? It's amazing how things work out. As soon as I start planning a move back east, every job I've ever applied to wants to call me on the same day. Amazing. Hmph. NOW they want me huh?

UPDATE: My dad is a genuis. I don't know why I just don't go to him for advice in the first place. He touched on a little bit of everything. Jehovah, prayer, not caring what other people think, faith, true passion, my desires, taking a step back to move forward, having the ends justify the means, etc. He was fabulous. He left me with this scripture: "The conclusion of the matter, everything having been heard is: Fear the true God and keep his commandments. For this is the whole obligation of man." (Ecc. 12:13) Now that's what's up! That is my only obligation. I don't have to keep obligations to CA, NC, this job, that job, or any individual. I don't have to do anything but keep His commandments and fear Him. I don't know why, but that made me feel so much better. Whenever you throw God into the equation though, the clouds seem to clear up. =)

Knight In Shining Armor

he left it all behind. for the sake of our love. nothing could keep us apart. not distance. not time. nor money. he loved me more than life itself. so he showed up at my door. across the country. with calla lilies and a letter. in his back pocket a ring. you are my perfect view. you are my soul. you are more than everything. perfection for me. so passionate and vigilant. my knight in shining armor. coming to fly me away. standing on my doorstep. kidnapping my heart. you told me to come. so here i am. join with me your love. i swear it'll never end. he came to get me. just like i knew he would. i prayed and prayed. just as promised. finally, my reward. a perfect dream's end. fantasies fullfilled. a girl's hearts content. do i dare ever stop dreaming?

Ladies, I don't care who you are, I know for certain that all of you want a knight in shining armor. We all want our guys to ride in on white horses and save us from the burning tower. We all dream of him saying the perfect thing - telling us that he'll always be there and can't live without us. We all want him to take us in his arms and never let go. It really doesn't matter if you've never met him, if you're currently with him, or you've gone your separate ways, 99% of us crave for that man to run to us on some magical whim. We dream of him 'getting it' one day; of having some life-altering revelation and choosing us over everything else. We fantasize that he'll run out the door and break all barriers and obstacles to catch up to us. Remember that scene in Love Jones where Daruis runs through the train station in hopes of catching Nina? That's what you want, isn't it? Believe me, I know. We crave for men to have that burning passion for us that makes it sure he'll do anything and everything; that he won't take no for an answer. You want him to tell you that he understands, he grew, and he changed. Even if you haven't said anything, you want him to magically know your heart's desires and say that he gets it. You want him to say that he's an idiot, and he would be even more of an idiot to loose you or let you walk away. You want your man to run up to you with passion in his heart and tears in his eyes, bearing his entire soul. Men ask us all the time what we want. They tell us to just tell them what to do. Fortunately, the answer is pretty universal. It's pretty much the same for all of us. We want a knight in shining armor. We want him to 'get it' and then proceed to overcome mountains to save us. It's no secret that we're emotional, fantasy-driven, human beings. But in this day and age, we surpress it. We resort to believing there are no fairytales. When we look around, we fall back to remembering that knights in shining armor do not exist. We remind ourselves that this is the real world and not a movie or fantasy land. There are no Nina Mosley's and Darius Lovehall's. So we keep our heads up and we keep pushing on. We sew our hearts back together and pray for the best. Silently, we pray that one day we get a slight taste of what it's like to live in a dream... To all my strong ladies who are waiting for your knight in shining armor, I pray that one day you'll see your dream. Until then, live your life full of love and passion. You shall have your heart's desire. If you don't believe, I'll do all the believing for you.

Happy Friday. Have a great weekend.

Tis The Season

This shouldn't be funny, but it is to me. There has to be some sort of large crack in the universe that all of us are falling through because there is no way that 4 of my good friends are going through the exact same thing as me at the very same time. I don't know what it is, but the summer is the season for heartwrenching, disturbing, killer break-ups! J.W., A.P., K.F., etc... We're all injecting ourselves with doses of what-doesn't-kill-you-only-makes-you-strongers and supplements of keep-your-head-ups along with chewables of encouraging Bible verses. Just when you think you're the only one falling apart, you find yourself surrounded by other protesters. It's not that misery loves company, rather support is so much stronger when people have first-hand experience. I guess I'm just trying to say thank you. Thank you to all of the individuals who have been there for me. Your time, energy and words were amzing. k.c., t.c., j.w., j.k., k.f., l.c., b.w., j.c., t.t., a.h., j.cr., d.g., blu, ms. confessions - you are all wonderful. I love you all!!

I Was Attacked!

Ms. Confessions attacked me with this tag, so here it goes....

Rules: 1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts. 2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves. 3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. 4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. 5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I'm crazy about planners/calendars and journals. Well not really crazy about them... I just can't live without them. As a matter of fact, as soon as I get paid Thursday, I need to pick up a new planner and journal.
2. I like to be in the bed early. As soon as 9:30pm hits, I start yearning for my bed. I have such a hard time watching 10:30pm roll up on my clock. It's just not right to be up past 10:30. =)
3. For some dumb reason, I've been watching a lot of Lifetime movies that are about marriages gone wrong. I mentioned one of them in an early post - "Too Young To Marry". Now I'm watching one in which the husband beats the wife and ends up killing her in front of their three children. One of the last Oprah's I saw was about husbands who are child molesters. geez... I don't know whether to talk about how crazy the world is, and how bad it's looking for marriages or to get on myself for even entertaining these shows. =(
4. Every six months or so, I find the need to completely re-evaluate my life. I actually took a couple days off to do so and I feel so much better. I have a loose plan, and that's a lot better than where I was 2 days ago. Sometimes life doesn't go according to plan, so I figured a loose one would be best.
5. When I was young, I was a girl scout, a cheerleader and in dance lessons. I don't know how my mom did it, especially when there was two of us, but I know I'll do the same thing. I can't wait!
6. Within the last couple of months, I discovered that I actually like cooking for other people. Well let me take that back. I like cooking for people that I adore, who look forward to my meals. It motivates me and makes me feel good when they are pleased.
7. I went to visit my old department last week and everyone said that I lost weight. I didn't notice, but now that they mentioned it... I'm cool with how I look though.
8. The scenes that I would miss the most would be the parks and the beaches. California's scenery is amazing. Hopefully I'll find such romantic places wherever I go.

You're It!

jennwill

tajtashombe

beyondmerewords

deja~i~am

k.c.

eclectik

dpg

RESEARCH QUERY

I'm pulling all sources... Bloggers respond! lol.


Charlotte or Raleigh-Durham?


I'm an African-American, 24 year old, educated, cultured, spiritual, young lady. So which city is for me? Where are my people? Where will I be comfortable? Where's the best place to buy a house? If you've been to either, please give me your opinion. I promise I'll take it into close consideration along with my own personal research. Thanks for responding!


Update:

I've done some reading and it looks as if Raleigh-Durham is to a "keg" as Charlotte is to "wine". They say Charlotte is more corporate-oriented and grown up. Here's a quote I read on another blog. "As a young single African-American professional who has spent time in Raleigh and Charlotte, Charlotte wins hands down. Raleigh is too small and offers too few alternatives to meet people. Raleigh's ok if you're 18 to 22, but once you reach adult status, its laughable to compare the two cities." However, it also appears that there is less diversity in Charlotte and it seems to be about the status quo (how much you make and what kind of house you have). They say that if you don't work in banking, then you're the odd man out. The traffic seems to be worse in Charlotte as well. Hmm.. Can't wait to visit!

A Letter

Hey,

It's 8:04pm on a Saturday night and I'm watching a Lifetime movie called "Too Young to Marry" on a 13 inch tv. Live is crazy ya know? One minute you're in a cacoon and the next... I don't know. Everything just seems so out of whack. Just like this movie. They were all in love, but now that they're married, they're not happy. This is so not how it's supposed to be. Stuff's not supposed to be this hard.

Do you ever wonder why you can't have what you want when you want it? Of course the stuggle that it takes to get there builds a lot of character and life experiences, but what about when you're tired, and you're ready to give into the struggle? Where's the water break? I can't continue in this uphill battle if I don't get a water break. I'm going to pass out.

Well I passed out this weekend. Yesterday was extremely hard, and it was my day off. I spent my whole day in my car from 7am to 8pm. I was so exhausted when I got home. I surely could have used a massage or for someone to greet me at the door and take all my bags. It was one of those days where I really needed someone. I just needed someone to carry a little bit of my load.

I'm done. I'm so done. All the hope I had is out the window. There's no need to hold on to something that doesn't exist. What's the point? Just... what's the point? Forget about it J. It's not worth it. There's too much pain involved in holding on.

I'm a romantic though. I believe in love. I believe in holding on. I just don't know how much romance is left in me. I'm trying, but I just don't know.

J

On Repeat - DC LOVE

Leaving you with a little something that moves me... keep it tight ladies and gentlemen.

Stop Blogging

My TV blacked out, the most crucial light in my apartment went out (the one that's hardest to replace of course), my shoe began to unravel, and my calf muscles are in excrutiating pain. I don't mean to complain but it feels like everything is falling apart. When I said that yesterday, my ex-bf jokingly looked at me like "Yeah DUMBEE! That's what happens when you break up with the man you're supposed to marry!" Boo. =(

But my TV is out. My main distraction is gone, and I have no funds to replace it. *sigh* I really need that distraction. I really do.

I think I'm going to stop blogging for a second. I really don't want anyone in my head at the moment, ya know?

Have a happy Monday. See you on the flip side.

This is Why...

... I dance














I am so thankful to this show for displaying to the world what dance is all about. I'm inspired beyond belief...

Teedra Moses

If you know me, you know that I love Ms. Teedra Moses. She is by far my all-time favorite female R&B artist. I'm not sure why she's on my mind this morning or why I'm making her the subject of my post, but I don't mind taking the time out to say that I appreciate her. I'm listening to her "Welcome To The Jungle" mixtape right now, and all I have to say is that this girl has heart. She has so much passion it's unbelievable. I was watching one of her interviews earlier and she said that if it's not coming from her heart, she's not singing it. I hear that Teedra! It's so hard for me to do anything, let alone perform songs that aren't from the heart. The difference between Teedra and I is that I can fake it though. lol. But as a succesful artist, Teedra has no need to fake anything.

While I love her, Ms. Moses is driving me crazy. Do you know that we've been waiting 3 freakin years for her to drop "The Young Lioness"? I feel like I'm going to explode already. Supposedly it's coming out next month, but that month can't come fast enough. I've never been so dag on anxious of someone's album before, but she just writes and sings EVERYTHING that I feel. I don't know another artist who's whole entire album says everything that I can't say. She's freakin amazing ya'll! I looked at the reviews of her album on iTunes yesterday, just to see what people had to say and... I was so proud. If you have iTunes, take a look please.

So just in case you're not aware of her genius, I've included a couple of links to explore. (okay, maybe more than just a couple.) =) She wrote Christina Milian's "Dip It Low" if that helps persuade you of her writing skills. Purchase "Complex Simplicity" though and prepare to fall in love. Once you see her live, it's all over.

http://www.myspace.com/theyounglioness

http://www.myspace.com/teedramoses

http://www.teedra-moses.com/

http://www.teedramoses.com/

http://www.mtv.com/music/artist/moses_teedra/artist.jhtml

http://music.aol.com/artist/teedra-moses/613892/main

http://www.teedramoses.net/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teedra_Moses

http://www.rhapsody.com/teedramoses

To You

dreamt about you all night
thought I was your wife
but I woke up in a daze
and sat up kinda amazed
because I did all I could
to erase you for good
but no matter what I did
my mind wouldn't forbid

it's kinda funny how
I always think of you now
smiling at the simple idea
of being your wife over here
never want to stop thinking
unless from God it has me keeping
so I gotta find the balance
put God and me and in the rafters

it's through here that I speak
we connect everyday with a sneak
keeping up with what's on my mind
but for me I'm kinda blind
don't know what you think
but I guess it's our only link
I know you'll always read
so I continue to write with speed

i wonder if feelings will die
cuz they somehow always subside
no matter if it's ideal or not
the dream might just get shot
until then i'm dreaming of you
through dreams I'll stick like glue
praying for you everyday
for now this is all I'll say

Accomplishment!

I applied to 12 jobs today! GEAH!

Next week I'ma do it again until these people get tired of seeing my name in their inboxes. As my girl Teedra Moses says on her new mix with Lloyd "Get it get it, don't stop!"

Can't you just see me dancing in my chair right now?! Oh my goodness, you can't even touch me right now I'm so high!! WHAT!?!

LMBO!! =)

Grind

applied for about 6 jobs this morning.
really do believe something will come through for me this time.
i submitted my resumes to a sprinkling of non-Californian jobs.
the majority of applications will be for jobs here though.
if a non-CA job pulls harder than any other, I'll go.
i'm keeping my options open.
wherever the wind may take me.
i still need to stay on the grind though.
plenty more jobs to apply for.

To Do:
20th Century Fox
Univision
Metro Interactive
Paramount Pictures
Robinsons-May
Fox Sports Net
Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences
Hilton Hotels
Warner Bros.
Columbia Pictures
DirectTV
Dreamworks SKG
Toyota

if any of you readers know of anyone in the above companies, let me know please...

let's see how many i can get through today.
i applied for a position at electronic arts!
wouldn't that be cool?!
working with EA videogames?!
i'm just ready to step out.
need something more creative.
aerospace is killing me slowly.
sucking the blood out of me.
but i am accumulating a lot of skills.
that's for sure.
they definitely nurtured me here.

i'm on my grind.
so get on yours!

WHAT I NEEDED!

Oh My Goodness... I just got the best spiritual food ever.. I so needed this. I loved it! The proper food at the right time.


Earnest Effort That Jehovah Blesses
Putting forth earnest effort and working hard surely have their rewards. The more effort we put into a project or an assignment, the more satisfaction we receive in return. This is how Jehovah made us. "Every man should eat and indeed drink and see good for all his hard work. It is the gift of God," wrote King Solomon. (Ecclesiastes 3:13; 5:18, 19) To receive a blessing from God, though, we must make sure that our efforts are properly directed. For example, is it reasonable to expect Jehovah's blessing on a life-style that relegates spiritual matters to a secondary place? Could a dedicated Christian hope for Jehovah's approval if he accepts employment or promotions that would mean regularly missing faith-building association and instruction at Christian meetings?—Hebrews 10:23-25.

A lifetime of hard work in the pursuit of a secular career or material prosperity will not necessarily mean that one will "see good" if it is done to the exclusion of spiritual things. Jesus described the consequences of misdirected effort in his illustration of the sower. Regarding the seed "sown among the thorns," Jesus explained that "this is the one hearing the word, but the anxiety of this system of things and the deceptive power of riches choke the word, and he becomes unfruitful." (Matthew 13:22) Paul also warned of the same trap and added that those who pursue a materialistic course "fall into temptation and a snare and many senseless and hurtful desires, which plunge men into destruction and ruin." What is the antidote for such a spiritually ruinous way of life? Paul continued: 'Flee from these things and rest your hope, not on uncertain riches, but on God, who furnishes us all things richly for our enjoyment.'—1 Timothy 6:9, 11, 17.

Regardless of our age or how long we have served Jehovah, all of us can benefit from imitating the earnest effort demonstrated by Jacob and Rachel. In their quest for divine approval, they never lost sight of their heritage, no matter how frightening or frustrating their circumstances might have been. Today, the pressures and difficulties we face may be just as frightening, frustrating, or even depressing. The temptation is to give up in the struggle and become another casualty of Satan's assault. He may use any of the means at his disposal, be it entertainment or recreation, sports or hobbies, careers or material prosperity, to achieve his designs. Desirable results are often promised but seldom realized. Those who are deceived or enticed to indulge in such pursuits very often find that they end largely in disappointment. Like Jacob and Rachel of old, let us cultivate the spirit of an earnest contender and prevail over Satan's machinations.

The Devil would like nothing better than to see us resign ourselves to defeat, feeling that 'the situation is hopeless. There is nothing that can be done. It is no use.' How vital, then, for us all to guard against developing a fatalistic attitude, thinking 'nobody loves me' and 'Jehovah has forgotten me.' Succumbing to such thoughts is self-destructive. Could it indicate that we have dropped our hands and are no longer contending until we receive a blessing? Remember, Jehovah blesses our earnest effort.

Keep Contending for Jehovah's Blessing
Our spiritual well-being depends to a great extent on our appreciating two basic truths about our life as a servant of Jehovah. (1) No one has a monopoly on problems, ailments, or difficult situations in life, and (2) Jehovah listens to the outcries of those earnestly appealing to him for help and a blessing.—Exodus 3:7-10; James 4:8, 10; 1 Peter 5:8, 9.

No matter how difficult your circumstances or how limited you may feel, do not give in to "the sin that easily entangles us"—lack of faith. (Hebrews 12:1) Continue to contend until you receive a blessing. Exercise patience, remembering aged Jacob, who wrestled all night for a blessing. Like the farmer who sows in the spring and waits for the harvest, patiently look for Jehovah's blessing on your spiritual activity, no matter how limited you may feel your activity is. (James 5:7, 8) And always bear in mind the psalmist's words: "Those sowing seed with tears will reap even with a joyful cry." (Psalm 126:5; Galatians 6:9) Stand firm, and remain in the ranks of the contenders.

copyright Watchtower

Strength, Courage and Wisdom

thanks K.

Spirits Up

In the course of the last 24 hours, I've been privy to a vast number of scriptures and counsel that have completely lifted my spirits. I can't even begin to tell you how the words from the Bible made me feel. They were like a breath of fresh air when I thought I was losing my breath. It was wonderful. I am going to do a little reading right now, but throughout the day I'll update this post with the exact words that helped me to find a new day. I hope you learn from them just as much as I have.... I love you all.

2 Corinthians 7:15 Also, his tender affections are more abundant toward you, while he calls to mind the obedience of all of you, how you received him with fear and trembling. (Boy, oh boy, how I pray that this manifests itself in my life...cuz I sure did tremble.)

Hebrews 11:6 Moreover, without faith it is impossible to please him well, for he that approaches God must believe that he is and that he becomes the rewarder of those earnestly seeking him. (He keeps promising me so many things. This makes me feel so much better.)

Matthew 6:33 Keep on then, seeking first the kingdom and his righteousness, and all these other things WILL be added to you. (I'm relying on this. He KNOWS what I want.)

Romans 5:19 ...likewise also through the obedience of the one person many will be constituted righteousness. (I know my example inspires others.)

Ephesians 6:11-18 Put on the complete suit of armor from God that you may stand firm...with your feet shod with the equipment of the good news of peace. Above all things, take up the large shield of faith...also accept the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, that is God's word while with every form of prayer and supplication you carry on prayer on every occasion in spirit. (I need peace, a whole lot of faith, God's word the Bible, and prayer.... that's what's getting me through today.)

"Good spiritual health results from clean worship and faith based on accurate knowledge. Anyone desiring to be healthy in faith must put forth diligent effort and maintain constant vigilance. Threats to sound spiritual health may come from within us or from outside. We must be aware of these threats if we are to maintain faith and spiritual health in this sick world."

Good Morning Heartache

Oh Good Morning Heartache...

Emotions

woke up this morning
had to tell myself to breath
chest rapidly going in and out
like i spent a minute under water
reality kicks in
tears start again
lump appears in my throat
i'm freakin out

here we go again
time to go through it
the normal routine of emotions
from intrepidation to encouragement
back down to pity then to happiness
experiencing loneliness to courage
needing a fix of him to hating him

thrown back out
in a world of craziness
stepping out alone
fighting being lonely
remembering why
grabbing for support
while falling into the hole

first insticts prove the best
but why right now
family's gone
life's making me crazy
i'm more than ready
to belong to someone
i'm best a being someone's girl

but i chose
my heart chose
Jehovah chose
i know it's right
but not right now
i'm freakin out
i'm so freakin out

Inspired by The Butterfli Affect

Dear Jehovah,

I don't quite know what to say, but I know that I need you. My soul actually aches for you. You know all that peace and happiness you say that your servants will have? Well I need it. I need it right now and I'm praying so hard that you'll grant me that wish. I know that it requires that I obey you and apply your counsel. So I'm going to try really hard to do so. Jehovah, I don't want anything to come between you and I. I feel like I've steered away from you lately, and I know that's probably why I feel the way I do. But I need you. I need you so bad right now. As sure as these tears are, I need you.

Jehovah, please lay your hands on me. Just touch me and make it alright. Give me the strength, the power and the courage to do what I have to do.. to make a change. You are everything to me and I don't want to hurt you. So please help me in my quest to dedicate my life to you.

I know that you read hearts, so hopefully you're understanding me right now, even though I can't understand myself. It hurts not to feel alive within you. Through my relationship with you, I've learned so much. You have given me so much knowledge and I've done as you wished and spoke about it with others. You're right. It brings me a lot of joy to tell others about you, so I will continue doing so. But I need more. Ok. I'll stay in your word. I'll carry it around with me wherever I go. I'll search in it for you. I'll do my best to make application. Whatever it takes, I'll do! Please please please just don't leave me. This is the rawest emotion I've ever felt.

Thank you for everything... I know that's a common statement. It's even a little vague, but I mean it. Thank you for everything. Thank you for my circumstances. Thank you for helping me to make the right decisions. Thank you for these tears. Just thank you.

I know that if I trust in you everything will be okay, so I'm throwing myself at your feet. I'm laying it all out for you. Whatever it is that you want, you can have! I just want to be happy. I just want your blessing and your grace. I need you. Help me get through whatever this is. You know that I'm normally a happy person. This isn't me. And I don't want anyone thinking that I'm drama, or that I'm unhappy or hard to get along with. I've had nothing but joy for the last few years and I need to get that back. I need my sparkle, my glow and my life back!

I just want you... No one else.

Please Jehovah. Please. Be with me. Hold me. Care for me. Love me. And I will do the same in return. I promise. Just take me back within your arms. There's no where else I'd rather be. I love you so much. I love you so much.

I offer up this petition through your son Jesus Christ. Amen.

Old Stuff

I was just going through some of my old posts, particularly in 2006 and I thought I'd post them again.


Here are a few that make me smile or mean something to me.

Hoodies and Sweatpants - I've been kinda missing out on this lately, but I need to take it back - when it's not so hot of course.

Good Question Kepa - I guess this is exceptionally important to me right now. The words and phases that stand out to me in this post are "peace", "laid-back", "warm", "doesn't complain", "clear of drama". Considering where I am right now, it wouldn't hurt to be surrounded by this stuff.

That Good Ole Tender Lovin Care - mmm.. This one makes me warm...

Dreaming in LA - I am SO feeling this one today. Partly because I just want to get away.

I have a slight headache this morning.



I forgot to bring my journal to work. I wanted to put down a few ideas floating around in my head. Perhaps I'll get it during lunch... The only problem is that I'm motivated right now. I might not feel like it later. And I can't use my blog for the things I'm thinking. Some things are just personal.



I've been feeling extra spiritual lately. I've been thinking a lot about the fruits of the spirit which seem to keep swirling around my head. I guess that's a good thing though. I remember doing a post about the fruits of the spirit a while back. (Love, Joy, Peace, Long-suffering, Kindness, Goodness, Faith, Mildness and Self Control.) You know.. if everyone embraced practicing the fruits of the spirit, we would all get along. The whole world would be in harmony. Now isn't that something?! =) Well, since these fruits of the spirit seem to be haunting me, I think I'm going to try to focus on one a week, research its meaning, and see how I can practice and apply it in my daily life. That sounds like a plan. I think it'll make me a better individual.



I've been thinking a lot about the scriptures recently. Maybe it's because I had such a whirlwind of a weekend and am now looking for an explanation or a way in which to deal. I did a whole lot of crying, which was cool because I haven't had a hard cry in a while. I guess it was long overdue. I didn't get the job and proceeded to break down promptly afterwards. I want a new job so that I can progress with my life and eventually get baptized. My second mom said that something's holding back Jehovah's Holy Spirit. There's something that I'm missing or doing to block it. I think that might be true.. I need to do a thorough self-examination. Am I living my life in line with godly principles? If not, what do I need to change? What do I need to work on? It's one thing to read the Bible and know the difference between right and wrong. It's another to actually live it every day. But what is it that I'm missing? I'm already doing my best to live chaste, which is probably my biggest struggle. I'm not forsaking my spiritual food. I've even picked up my ministry. But maybe my hearts not in it. Maybe I need to open my eyes wider. Maybe I need to endure this. Maybe I need to get rid of something in my life. I'm not sure... But I'm tired of being where I am. I have to make a drastic change.



I talked to 3 old friends yesterday, which was great. Each of them made me laugh and smile. I haven't that good of a time, where I just crack up for no reason in a minute. I don't know why I don't talk to them on a regular basis. Maybe it's because I need those i-haven't-talked-to-you-in-a-while-catch-me-up-convos. That's probably what makes them so fun. Especially the reminiscing about good times part. (I'm smiling right now.) I needed those convos. I'm glad they're in my life. They made me happy when I wasn't feeling so hot. I love you guys!



I'm taking control of my life. I'm putting aside all the frustrations and focusing on taking care of business. I'm going to start studying for my GMAT and I'm going to dive into the job search. I'm going to practice my weekly fruit of the spirit and continue furthering my spirituality. I need God more than ever right now, so I'm going to penetrate into his word. I'm going to search deep. I'm going to make myself happy again. No one can do that but me. And I'm going to fight everything that gets in the way of my happiness. No more roadblocks for me. No more crap. It's just me and God right now. No more drama. I'm focused maaaaann!

Guide to a Good Relationship

Relationships are mighty tough. They're like giant machines that need constant maintenance and updating. But if you oil the machine and keep up with it's scheduled service, the machine will work on its on. It'll produce whatever it's supposed to without much interference. If you procrastinate and even ignore the kinks and red lights, you could be in for dangerous times.

I'm going through what I call the blending stages. From the age of 15 - 22, I was pretty much in a relationship. Once I broke up with my ex, I went through this huge transition as I wildly pushed into single life. I had to learn how to be alone. I had to learn how to enjoy life. I had to learn how to be a single 22, 23 and 24 year old woman. Once I got over the first few roadbumps, the single life was fabulous! I learned so much about myself and came to love who I am. Now that I've been single for 3 years, I'm going through yet another transistion as I walk slowly back into relationship mode. I'm much wiser and stronger than I was in my previous relationship. I mean, I'm a woman now! Things are completely different and everything is much more serious. I can't really say that I wasn't serious back in the day, because I've always been a serious female, but I'm a serious woman now, and that speaks for itself.

So things aren't exactly easy as my boyfriend and I go into our 5th month of learning each other. We both have very strong personalities and are both stubborn and bossy. As you can imagine, we butt heads at times. I've been doing me for the last 3 years and it's difficult blending with another person. Thankfully though, I've already learned a couple of things that I would like to list. Some of them are just common sense and very general, but you never realize how much it applies until you're in the situation. Here it goes:

1. Open communication. Oh my goodness. This is no joke. It's amazing how someone can do something, and the other person take it the wrong way...and because of a lack of communication, a conflict builds. It's hard to talk until your face is blue, but that's what you have to do in order to make a relationship work.

2. Negative attitudes need NOT apply here! I cop attitudes very easily if I feel I've been wronged, and he doesn't say the most positive things sometimes. Bad combination. All the contrary attitudes, words and actions need to be thrown out right away. BE POSITIVE! If you know you want to work it out, BE POSITIVE.

3. Along with being positive, be nice. Some people have relationships were they crack jokes at each other all the time. There's a lot of playful trash talking, which can be cool at first. But as time goes on, it gets a little tiring. It's important to say nice things and be nice to one another. Hopefully your mate is, or will be, your best friend. You wouldn't hurt your best friend's feelings, so don't hurt each others. Just watch how you talk to each other. Handle each other as if they are your prized possession.

4. Discuss crucial elements. Future expectations, goals, finances, spending habits, credit scores, family matters, location issues, health issues, AIDS tests, family history of disease, etc. That's just common sense. If you don't discuss these issues, you're obviously not really into getting to know the other person in a serious manner. Either that or you don't care enough about your own health, goals and finances to see whether you could, or would, intermingle with theirs.

5. If you are religious, go to the Bible for advice on handling issues. There's no better way to handle obstacles of ANY kind then by consulting the Bible. I don't really seem to do this, but I'll start.

6. Pick your battles! I did that this weekend. What could have been a heated argument ended up going over pretty well. I calmly expressed myself and it was over. A week ago, I would have gotten pretty irritated. While it's important to pick your battles, you still must express things that concern you. That goes back to number one. Don't let something pass that bothers you. I tried doing that in the past and I ended up driving myself crazy. Talk about it. Talk about with numbers 2 and 3 in mind as well. *wink*

7. Go Slow! There's no better way to learn about someone. No need to rush. No need to give up the goods. No need to get all the information right away. Take your time. Let the rose-colored glasses come off and the honeymoon period dwindle before jumping in the ship. You may not like what you see after a few months, but if you've already crossed that line, it may be too late.

Well that's it for now. As I grow, I'll record my observations. Putting them down on paper (or on computer) helps. I need to get these out of my mind and somewhere where I can see them. Hopefully it'll help someone else as well.

Anywho... I most likely won't blog tomorrow so have a great weekend!

Yesterday's Day Off

I'm up for a little Linkin Park this morning. Who's with me? Shoo... I need something to keep me awake today. Yesterday was exhausting. Transformers at 9:30am (which was great by the way), window shopping in the heat afterwards, lunch in Beverly Hills, chillin at the barbeque with all my beautiful African-American people, and then the club... Geez. I need a vacation for that one-day vacation. Good thing I'm having a j.a.c. day tomorrow. How was everyone's day off?

Thankful

I've never done one of these, but I think there's no better time than now, considering my mood.

I am thankful for...

...the pain I feel right now. If it wasn't for my ovaries, uterus, fallopian tubes, etc., I couldn't have children. Thank you for my flow. Thank you for the fact that it's not so bad that I have to stop it's natural progression with drugs or tools.

...music. The silence and my own thoughts would drive me crazy.

...Jessi's morning emails, (even though I haven't received any today). All the craziness and gossip from JCroft reminds me that it's another day and that I'm still alive to read them.

...my "Examining the Scriptures Daily" book. When I remember to pick it up, I always seem to get just what I need. It's always the right amount of comfort at the right time.

...accurate knowledge of the Bible. If I didn't have the knowledge I have, I would be depressed. There are too many tragedies, sin, and evil in this world to not know that there is hope.

...Aquafina water. I love it. I feel like it's an identifying part of me. I always have a bottle of Aquafina near me. =)

...skirts. They're so much easier than pants and also allow for a cooler days. lol.

...a good movie. Movies transcend me. They take me away at the exact moment that I need to be taken. I like being in a different world for now. I imagine I should start reading novels again to have that same feeling.

...every other Friday off. You don't understand. I need this Friday so bad. This is the first Friday that I've had to myself. No trips, no conventions to attend, nothing. Just a j.a.c. Friday. I'm more excited about Friday than I am about tomorrow. Tomorrow's going to be planned. I'm looking forward to nothing planned. Just me myself and I.

...my sister. I love seeing her face everyday on my desk. My mom, dad and bf are on my desk as well, but she makes me feel home. There's nothing like a sisterly bond. We've come so far from the fighting days. I love that girl so much.

...blogs. Reading about other's lives keeps me entertained and interested. I also stay connected to some of the most divine friends.

...heat. I love heat.

...tajtashombe's "Cooling Water" blog post.

...my limbs. Oh my goodness... I am so thankful for my limbs!! That seems so dumb, but I am so happy to have two working arms and two working legs with hands, fingers, feet and toes that work. Is it wrong to say that life is so much easier with them?

...sexiness. I can't really explain this one, but it makes me feel like a woman.

...male R&B singers. The Dave Hollisters, the Eric Robersons, the Joes, the Ushers, the Ne-Yos, the Ginuwines, the Tyreses, the Tanks... of the land. The 'you-are-beautiful', 'I-love-you', 'I'm-sorry', 'make-love' songs are always right on point when I need a little pick me up. When I want to feel beautiful or sexy, they're always there.

...heels and stilletos. Ladies, you know how it is when you throw on your power tools. It's like Superman putting his cape on. If you think you've lost your swagger, put on your meanest stilettos and you are back!

and lastly

...all the people in my life who show me so much love, concern and support. Thank you for building a fortress around me to hold me tall when I want to fall.

Wow. This DID make me feel better!

Untitled

I'm trying to breath slowly
but my heart is beating exponentially faster.
I want to slow down
but I feel like I'm getting sucked into a race.

I know that it's all about my outlook on things.
I'm trying to fight whatever's pulling me down.
I want to change my outlook and be high.
I want to be me and I want to be free.

Big Ball of Mess

I went home for lunch to lie down for a few minutes. I tried to watch Y&R, but Phyllis’, Nikki’s and everyone else’s drama ended up being too much for me. Can you believe that? I am so tired of drama that I couldn’t even watch my favorite soap opera. As soon as I turned it off, the word “peace” popped up in my mind. That’s all I ever want. Peace and quiet. I decided I needed a new CD to get me through the rest of the day so I went to Best Buy and picked up Tank’s “Sex Love & Pain”. Tank’s taking care of me so far. I love new music.

My stomach hurts something vicious today. Goodness gracious. I can’t wait for this day to be over. But I really don’t want to go home. I have clothes everywhere. It’s so crowded and dark in my apartment. It doesn’t help my mood any. I need to be somewhere open, breezy and beautiful. I feel trapped in that place. I really don’t like living there anymore. I’m tired of being in that box.

I’m a big ball of mess. *sigh*

I'm Back

I was traveling from Thursday the 21st to Sunday the 24th. Monday the 25th was the busiest day ever at work. Then I got called in for jury duty service from Tuesday to Thursday for a gang-related, murder trial. I was ecstatic when I got excused, but at the same time, I was happy to have a diversion from work. I learned a lot about the law while going through jury selection process. It was interesting how I got excused from serving on the jury though. I told the prosecution that as a Christian woman, I did not feel qualified to judge another man; and that I disagreed with the law that it is the people's responsibility to prove a man guilty or innocent. After the judge asked, "So you're refusing to deliberate?" and I said "yes", he asked me what religion I was. Once I told him, it was like a light bulb went on all around the court. The judge and the prosecution nodded their heads and I was excused.

I also had a doctor's appointment yesterday. I left there with an antibiotic shot in the buttocks, a prescription for two medications, an empty bladder, and 2 vials less of blood in my body. It was so funny how gimp I felt. I couldn't drive with my left arm and I couldn't sit on my right butt cheek. =)

I went to see Carl Thomas last night... He was great, except for the instances where he would jiggle slightly after getting in the moment. Yes, jiggle. I mean wiggle from side to side as if you're shaking something off of you. It was weird. The woman in front of me would look at her husband and laugh every time Carl did this odd little wiggle gesture. Every time he did that, I wondered if there was a little sugar in his tank. I sure hope not.

We're off on Wednesday, July 4th. Being off on a Wednesday sucks. It's better than nothing though. But I am off on Friday as well. I wonder if I should just take Thursday too. I probably won't.

July is my chill month. I'm not really trying to do anything for a while. I need to sit down and be quiet for a while. Ya know?

Have a happy weekend everyone.

I Miss Her

just like the birds that whistle in the trees
hid in the leaves so happily
you’re my tree
and through the storms
you’ve stood strong for me
kept me warm as can be.
like a candy to an apple
oh we go together
you’re so sweet on me
I can say
that I do believe
this is destiny
it keeps calling me

Things On My Mind

• i just paid my bills and realized that have $20 to my name until the 28th. good thing i'm going home. the parents will take care of me.
• this cold will NOT leave me alone. i'm so tired of blowing my nose.
• i might be at jury duty in compton on monday. i have to call in over the weekend to see if i need to show up.
• i'm tired of going on interviews. i guess it's a blessing to be asked to interview, but i just wish someone would hire me already.
• yesterday's interview went well.
• i need to pack tonight for my weekend trip home.
• we're going to be so busy with saturday academy and the end-of-the-year show. no time for play.
• i wish i could get my hair done before i go. but i don't have the time or the money.
• hair appointments should be had weekly. going longer is tough.
• this lady needs to email me the proposal schedule. i need it for a 10:30am meeting.
• i'm ready for a vacation. can i hold off until august?
• will i ever have a weekend where i have nothing to do? the answer to that question is NO.
• i'm looking forward to 'so you think you can dance'. that is truly the highlight of my week. it inspires me.
• liz needs to get the performing arts academy email out or i'm going to do it. i probably could start drafting the student's packet.
• i want to go to the movies. i have one free ticket left. perhaps i'll take myself tonight to see fantastic four before going home today. (if that's okay with baby boi since he wants to see it too).
• i have to complete the alumni mailing before i forget.
• Chrisette's CD comes out today. oh yeah. $20 left... can't get it.
• how's everyone's day going?

Ring or No Ring?

I just had the opportunity to see THE most beautiful wedding engagement ever. I wish I could share the slideshow with the world, but since I don’t know the future bride and groom well, I won’t do so. The engagement was certainly an affair to remember. The groom rented out 10 rooms in the Ritz that were filled with gold-dipped roses, candles, rose petals, etc. The bride and groom-to-be went from room to room where each room held a different group of people who were special to them. They shared a memorable time together, prayed together and went on to the next room. The 10th room of course, is where he proposed. It was magnificent.

The groom-to-be obviously put a lot of money, time and effort into the affair. Saving up for a nice sized ring can often take plenty of time. But when I began to think about my baby boi, engagements, weddings and everything else that comes with it, I began to realize that rings are not that important to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been looking at engagement rings since I was five, but I’d rather not have a ring and get married in a reasonable amount of time than to wait years for the perfect ring. You never know what can happen from one day to the next. In a year from now, someone may not be here.

My mother didn’t get her diamond until her 25th wedding anniversary. I do feel like that it was time for her to get her dream ring, but I understand her not having a ring right away. There were living expenses, new babies, automobiles and necessities to care for. Ya know? There were more important things to take care of.

Believe me though, I fully understand those women who need at least a lil’ somethin’ somethin’ on their ring finger when getting engaged. I can see how that would be important to some, but for me, it’s just another material possession. I don’t really want to sound self-righteous and I’m not trying to make anyone who wants a 3 carat rock feel bad. In my perfect world, I would have the most stunning, platinum, 10 carat, diamond ring ever!! (Okay. Maybe not 10 carats but you know what I'm saying. lol.) But it’s just not that important to me. Especially not if it’s going to take years for my future fiancé to procure. I could be happily married for 5 years before getting that ring! I’d take happiness over platinum any day.

Ladies: If you knew your man was saving for a year for a ring, what would you tell him? Would you just let him be a man and complete his special presentation or would you say “Forget the ring! Let’s just get married!” ? How important is an engagement ring to you? How important is the proposal to you? Does he need to go all out? What if he wants to save up for an extended period of time for the perfect proposal? What would you say?

This reminds of Case’s video “Happily Ever After”. That too, was a beautiful engagement and nice thought. I tried to find the video, but had no luck. Sorry!

Random Thoughts

• i really don't have anything in particular to blog about. my mind is all over the map right now. i think i need e's playlist to get me in the zone. hold on... okay. i'm good now. i always hear songs i haven't heard in a while when i tune into his list. erykah badu...
• so back to my mind being all over the place.. i want to move. i really want to start cooking and feel so constrained by my kitchen. there really is no way that i'm going to cook in the dollhouse kitchen i have going on. i don't have that much patience in the world. i want my own nice kitchen. if i ever have the opportunity to build my own house, the kitchen is going to have to be amazing.
• i want to quit my job and go back to school right now. i feel like i'm wasting my time here. why am i here except to receive benefits? i have no purpose here. =(
• i'm ready for a whole new change. new living arrangment, new daily activity, new desires, new people, new everything. if it wasn't for my baby boi, i'd be bored with my life. but baby boi can't be the end all to be all ya know?
• maybe dance lessons will rejuvinate me. i'm thinking of going back to the arthur murray studio by my house. but those lessons were SO expensive. i completed the bronze program but when they said that i needed $1500 for the silver session, i had to quit. i could have continued the group lessons and dance parties though without giving them the $1500, but felt bad. i really shouldn't be attending their group lessons without giving them any money.
• my neck is killing me. that's another thing. i'm sick and tired of my bed/futon. when i move, whenever that my be, my first purchase is a BED! i've just outgrown my place. it was cute at first, but i need to spread my wings. as soon as i know where i'm working, i'm out.
• i need my hair done, my eyebrows waxed, my nail shaped up, and my toes re-done. i feel a hot mess right now. that's it, i'm making a hair appointment right now. hold on... dag she's not there.
• networking happy hour thursday night, the all black play julius caesar friday night, performing arts academy meeting saturday morning, playboy jazz festival saturday and sunday afternoon. it's going to be another busy weekend.
• is teedra moses' listening party on sunday?! i need to check that out asap. ya'll know she's my favorite right? dag. i can't find her. she doesn't have a calendar up anywhere!! when's her CD coming out? please somebody tell me!
• at least we know chrisette michelle's album comes out next week and she's performing the week after. i can't wait!
• i have to call to report for jury duty the week her album comes out. =(
• i think i might have an interview friday for a company i'm not really interested in. boo.
• i'm going home next weekend. it's going to be a busy one. no time to play.
• why am i acting like i have no bills to pay? i haven't looked at my account in SO long. i promise to do that today. or maybe i'll wait until thursday when i get paid. then it won't be so scary. =)
• i think i want some oatmeal

They Met

This weekend was so special. My mom flew into town to meet my boyfriend and to accompany us to the UCLA awards ceremony for the certificate I just received. It was so nice having my mother and my boyfriend become so close as the weekend went on. Baby boi and mom joked around together, they laughed together, they told each other stories, etc. They really bonded. You don't know how nice it is to stand back and see a loving relationship develop before your eyes. I felt like I was in a fairytale. At the end of her trip, when we took her to the airport, she hugged the both of us at once, and then looked at us with those motherly eyes. No sooner than she said "take care of each other", she was off on a plane. It wasn't until this morning that she told me she was almost in tears. While leaving the airport, baby boi told me that he loved my mom. My mom sent us an email today and said the she loved both of us. *deep breath* What more can a girl want?

I love my mother, I love baby boi, I loved our weekend together and I love my life.

I HAD A BALL!

The girls and I haven't been out in together since All-Star weekend, so it was !fabulous! hanging with the girls at Honey last night. (The spot is deejay-ed by a set of females of minority descent... hence the name "Honey". One deejay is Prince's official deejay.) I left the house with a poor attitude because of a bad headache and Jai was sleepy and hungry, but I must say that as soon as we got on that dance floor, 3J was in full effect!! As is normal when the deejay is fire, we danced our little hearts out. We danced so hard that Jenn came in with luscious, curly, locks fresh from the hairdresser and left with a straight pony tail. (Sorry Jenn. At least it's clean!) Do you even remember the last time you went out and sweat that hard in the spot?! HELLO!! So there we were, shaking it up, getting our Beyonce on, twisting it up to "Buy You A Drank", winding our hips to the reggae beat, and getting wild with our hyphie bounce when you-will-never-guess-who walks by. Can you guess? Come on... Guess! Take a hint from the picture!!! YEP! YOUR MAN PRINCE! Walking right by us with his bad-a$$ haircut, looking fresher than mine. I almost lost my freakin mind, which surprised me because I had no idea I felt that way about him! The only celebrity I've ever fallen over was TI when he walked by us (3J) in Vegas. Even my reaction shocked the mess out me then... It was so funny because we had to remind ourselves that we were professional, business women and NOT the common groupie. Ha! But just before the girls got to my place last night, I finished watching his new commercial for Verizon. How coincidental is that? So as soon as I calmed down, I pulled out my phone and texted t.c. even though it was 3:38am in her time zone. That girl is in love with Prince, and apparently I am too. lol! (Can you believe that man turned 49 today?) Ah man! I had a ball last night. What a weekday evening!!!! Shout out to our boy TAJ for getting down with us!!! Yeah TAJ!!!

I'm working on 4 hours of sleep! Let's see how long I can last before falling face down on my keyboard. =)