Of him.

Sometimes I don't think he sees me the way I see him. I can stare at him for hours. I can watch his hand as it touches the handle of a pot. I can watch his back muscle flex as he reaches up high to adjust the shower head. I can watch his toes grip his flip flops as he walks around the house. Shoot. I can watch stubble grow on his face. I never get tired of watching him. I notice everything. His veins, his fingernails. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm appreciative. Of him.

Unemployed Thoughts

I'm refreshed. I wasn't at first. The news hit me hard and wounded my pride. But this is the first time I've not had a job and had no worries. No stress. When I was let go, I said that I felt like Jehovah wasn't protecting me. But actually, as Satan chopped me off at the knees, Jehovah spread out the net and caught me.

I think I'm going to get back into the art of meditation. My mind hates me, and I need a way to battle it. Meditation is the one answer I have. Silent time to clear my mind. I don't know why I can't get it to stop running. From one thought to the next, my mind zooms me into deep corners and dark crannies. My mind hates me, and I hate it. It's too powerful, but I want to learn to control it. I want to have power over my mind. It's of no use when it convinces me that my God doesn't love me.


Now that I'm unemployed (again), I want to do things on my time. I'm not sure if that's agreeable with my husband, but I don't want to feel an ounce of stress. I want to do what I want to do this time around. If I want to go out in the ministry, I'll go out. If I want to sit in the movies, I will. If I want to go hard and sweat it out in the gym, I will. If I want to push myself into exhaustion while applying for jobs, I will. But I want to do it all on my time. Sometimes I wish people (or rather, my family) were just as proud of me for taking a day off as they are when I go out into the ministry, apply for jobs and cook dinner. Why does everyone want everyone to work all of the time? I guess if they're doing it, they want you to do it too.


I'm discovering the sounds of Bossa Nova. And I love it. There's so much music all around the world and I'm over here in America stuck listening to Trey Songs. That's a catastrophe. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't have my appreciation for diverse music. But I don't want to walk around with headphones on all the time so sometimes I have to force myself to put me first. When it comes to him, that's not natural. I remember growing up in a household full of diverse music. Jazz, African, World, International... I loved when my dad put on Deep Forest. Our house turned into a distant, aboriginal rain forest. There are so many sounds to explore. Diverse music feeds creativity.

Fin.

Torment

I've been having a really hard time in life lately. There are so many issues that I could speak on (but thank God none of them have to do with my marriage), but what they all merge to is the fact that I'm not being who I know I should be. Instead, I'm being angry. When I'm at work surrounded by general stupidity, I'm angry. When I'm at the hall and I'm getting yet another correction by way of the Watchtower or whatever else we're studying, I'm angry. When I think about my sister, I'm angry. And then when I'm angry, I just end up being mean. My co-workers come up to me, and I'm cold. They ask me to do something and I do it like they're bothering me. When I see my sis tonight, I already know that I'm going to sit there quietly to avoid saying or being disrespectful to her. Every fiber in my body is angry. Anytime that I read anything spiritual and see the 10,000 things that I am not, I feel like tossing it in the trash. But I don't. I just close it and put it away. Truth be told, that's no better.

So I don't feel like studying. I don't feel like chit chatting. I don't feel like laughing at your joke. I don't care about your office supplies or what you did over the weekend. Miss me with that.

I know this is not how I'm supposed to be. And that's what's killing me the most. It's tormenting me.

Somebody pray for me. I need relief quick.

Lessons Lessons Lessons

I've been hit over the head twice in one day in what I would call life-altering moments. As normal, my job ignited an anger in me that shouldn't have been lit. My boss was uncaring, unapproachable and rude when I tried to express the frustration that we feel when policies change from week to week. He made me feel small and stupid when I am anything but. I had a legitimate concern (what kind of company changes their policies to fit their feelings for the week) and he brushed me off. I can't explain the feeling that overcame me. My chest was filled with heat and I was ready to make him feel really dumb. But no sooner than when I started to formulate my response, I got a text message from my husband...

Ashanti said it in her song. "One day you're here and then you're gone." The sudden and unexpected death of my husband's friend straightened me out. As hearts were breaking and tears were pouring, nothing was more important than love and comfort at that moment. Out of all the deaths I've heard about over the past year, this one was the one that hit me the hardest. Not just because TJ was so close to my husband, but because I too had a brief but personal relationship with him. As he sat in my living room chair laughing and joking around, I would have never guessed that would be the last time I saw him.

So my two lessons? 1) There's no time for nonsense in this life. Life is too short for anger and contentions. Make it known how much you care for and love the people who are closest to you. Tomorrow they might not be here. While grief and mourning is very hard, the promise of the resurrection and paradise are more real to me than ever before. I am so so thankful that Jehovah has given us this relief. Without it, I would be a complete and utter mess. 2) Jesus was the best example of mildness. Under the worst of situations, Jesus maintained control at all times. He was wise and had an understanding of the injustices of this world as well as the goal and reward that laid before him. Fact: This job is unjust. So what will I do about it? The same thing Jesus would do. Be mild. "Behind the gentleness there is the strength of steel." That quote is so powerful. Yesterday I was weak. Today I will be strong. I will yield.

As TC said, 2011 will be the year of professional relief for me. I will not only find a job, but find one that works with my personality and desires. I have been and will continue to pray for the perfect match. I do not want another temporary job that I need to run away from. I need to focus on the more important things like my relationship with my husband and my family and friends. Nothing is more important that family and friends.

The Happenings

I want to close my eyes and breathe in and out for a while. Do some simple meditation. Calm my whole body down and stop my heart from racing. The funk-jazz station on 22tracks.com is doing me well. It's giving me a slither of peace.



Things are cool though. As cool as they can be when there's a demon roaming around trying hard to break me. Satan is real.

Time to turn on my mini heater under the desk. I haven't really been affected by the cold yet. I remember my days in NY standing at the bus stop while the cold hawk cut at my face. Thank goodness for my car. I'm so hot by the time I step outside that the cold air is a relief. By the time the novelty of the cool air fades, my car's heat has kicked in. Nope, haven't felt the frigidness of the season yet.

Man. I am drained. I cried this morning about feeling like I need too much personal work. Sometimes ready the daily scripture makes me feel low. There's always something to work on, something that I'm not doing enough of. It gets overwhelming at times. I'm supposed to look at them as helpful reminders though. Hmm...

I'm going to make my mom's hot wings tonight. I just emailed her about the recipe. I wonder if she does anything else other than adding loads of hot sauce. I've been doing well with cooking, especially since I'm on my period. Ooooh. That's why I cried. Totally forgot to connect that.

I'm about over this female. I keep trying to reach out. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she must be pretty busy, at the same time, it's time for me to move on. LC has been a sweetheart lately. LH joined our congregation and lives close by. We should have some future good times I'm sure. Mom is thinking about getting the girls together. I'm looking forward to being with the KW girls and TC and RH and 'em. Hopefully that'll come to fruition since my mom is leaving soon.

How do I feel about my parents leaving for Huntsville in less than 30 days? I'm not sure yet. I say that because while I know that my husband can never replace my parents, I'm wondering how less of a shock it will be because I have him. I'll definitely notice that I can't run to 2001 anymore. The only house that I've known of will be someone elses. That's strange. Good thing Huntsville is an hour and half away by plane. The issue is that I never plan when I'm going to see my parents. I just see them. Whenever I need to. Now I have to plan. Eww.

Last Sunday, I had a great time at SO's house. That was the best Sunday afternoon/evening gathering that I've ever been to. We played games, had grown folk discussions, ate, watched football, joked around. It was laid back and easy. I was most thankful for the discussion we had about marriage and kids. Only one couple there had children so we basically interviewed them on the joys of having kids....cuz we all know the disavantages. They really gave me some profound insight. From what your kids give you to home schooling to varying methods of parenting. I can't say that I've changed my mind about having kids, but I am less fearful. To know that there are options, methods and ways to do it so that you don't have to live in fear was freeing. To be honest, I wish this world would hurry up and end so that I can have kids in a perfect new world...if I make it. I want kids, just not like this.

I prayed today that my job applications that are out there will return with fruit. I'm tired of OCI. I need a job that suits my personality and my spirituality. Sitting next to the most cursing-est man in the office kills my peace. I've asked him to curtail, but I don't think he cares. Either that or it's so engrained in him that he doesn't even know the difference. I also don't want to be with a company that doesn't pay its bills or who gives me a paychek that bounces. I'm tired of waiting for my boss to pay the bill so that I can make a phone call. It's quite trifling. Trifling, ghetto, black people trying to get over and make a dollar. Nope. This is not me. I want a 9 to 5 where the people are nice and they do the work that they're supposed to do. Oh and that has a work-life balance culture. Can't forget that.

My sis called me for the first time since our blow out on Tuesday. I texted her the week before and it was tense as it surrounded her Bible study. She called to ask for ideas on venues for a going away party. Like I told my dad, Pooh and I do business well and that's about it. We're two very different people who don't really understand each other. Everyone is praying about our relationship so I know it'll get better. When is the question... I'm supposed to write something to her, but I don't even know what to say. What is there to say?

I watched a couple of dance videos today and got sad. I can only exercise in warm weather. Leaving gyms and studios with perspiration on my person in the winter is a no no for me. I guess I could do my NYCBallet DVD at home. That's what I'll do. I want my flexibility back. Mondays and Wednesdays...

Shopping...I want to but I can't. I'm trying to give a bit more. End of story.

Have a good day everyone.

The Best Love Moments

Do you know where the best love moments are? In perfume and diamond commercials! Especially French commercials. These things make me want to fall in love all over again. One of these makes me want to shed a tear. Guess which one.

Mood: So Freakin Irritated

These people at work are pissing me off. How you gon' blame me when the person who said they were going to cover the other desk (not even my desk), has to go to a meeting and asks you to cover? Seriously? You were originally contracted to sit at the desk whenever we were scheduled to be out! And now that you've been hired permanently as office manager, you're going to say it's unacceptable for you to have to sit at the desk? AND you've only been here for 2 weeks. OMG. Some people's heads are just too big.

I'm losing my mind. I just can't tolerate stupidity. And it's not even right for me to feel so out of control right now, but I just can't take it! I have no respect for this office. Now everything that I've learned is telling me to do my job to the best of my ability, to represent Jehovah in all that I do, to leave the place feeling refreshed and unloaded as a result of my work... but I just do not care! The only thing that's keeping me in check is the fact that I don't want to get fired. I wish I could channel the calm person in me...reach her somehow so as to not be affected by the stupidity, but that person of peace dies everytime I step in this office suite.

I'm Not Right

I wish I wouldn't have sold my tickets. Now that our deal fell through, which I'm not surprised it did, we're supposed to save our pennies to become as liquid as possible. But I don't think that's going to happen. It didn't take us but a week to dip into the pot we already saved after we got the negative word. It's hard to save when you have no specific goal in mind. Thus, I feel it was a bad idea to let go of the formal. Not so much because it's a formal, but because we were going with a couple that I really wanted to get to know. I don't think that door will open again any time soon. Why is it so hard for married couples to get together? Single people seem to have no problem hooking up on a random Wednesday night. Married folks seem to need all this planning and whatnot to do things, me included. Makes me think about how spontaneous JennWill was (or is?). I should plan something but I have no idea what to plan. I don't want to cook and I am supposedly saving.

I can't stand cliques. But the truth is that I want to be in one. I want to be in one so that I can open it wide up and welcome individuals that have never been welcomed before.

I'm appreciative of my life. My husband is good to me. My parents are healthy and close by. I have a good amount of shoes. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. So why am I not ecstatic? I feel like I'm missing something on the spiritual side. Is Jah's holy spirit leaving me? I feel restless and disorderly. I'm not connected and in cahoots like I used to be. I feel myself fading. This is not good. I think it has something to do with my attention span. When I'm reading the Bible or studying, I can hardly focus or get the full meaning of things... I don't know what's going on with me.

Be right back.

Okay. I just took a quick trip to drop of the tickets to TNC. I feel better now. Engaged in some girl talk and now I feel re-charged. I'm really sad though that we're not going. Ugh! I think I need a nap before we have our family worship.

Later

Official Girl - Cassie

I was describing what it is about this song/video that keeps me going back to it after so many years, and I finally know why... Cassie is so subtly tough, sexy and cool at the same time while standing her ground... Emotional but not sweatin it too hard because she knows she'll be just fine... I love that combo. Cassie may not be the best entertainer/singer, but she has a quiet and calm IT factor that makes you watch her.

Cassie - Official Girl Ft. Lil Wayne
- Watch more Music Videos at Vodpod.

Irritated, Annoyed And Whatever Else

It's not a good day today. I've already got on the people who have come through the front door without their badges. Normally I would hold it in, but today is not the day. There's something going on inside of me that I haven't yet been able to figure out, so I'm kinda taking it out on other people. I'm just in no mood for nonsense. If you're supposed to use your badge for entry, use it. Don't take advantage of the fact that I can give you access to the office. It's not my job to pick you up when you slack.

Anyway, this is not about badges or office entry. As I said, there's a real issue here that's bothering me that I'm too worried about speaking up on. As I mentioned last time, I'm studying the Bible with my sister. But I really don't know why she chose me because our relationship is so complicated. And when it's complicated, it doesn't make it any easier to sit down and have me assist her on ways to develop a relationship with God. I can't even get my own relationship with her right. It's just so convoluted and I tense up about it every time I think about it. I'm actually quite tired of how issues with my sister affect me. It's like they grip the very person of me and hold me in some sort of prison. I hate that. I wish I could not care.

Check In

Morning world,

How are you guys doing out there? I realize it's been a minute since I wrote a post of substance. Things haven't really been busy either. I'm just as bored at my 9 to 5 as ever. I spend most of my time watching tv and movies at this desk in order to fill this career void. It's the pits. This was the perfect position when I was falling apart during wedding planning days, but now... all I can say is 'kill me now'. Other than that, things are good. I'm as happy as can possibly be in my marriage. Things are going so well it's unbelievable. As time goes on, we get closer and closer. We're on the same letter of the same sentence of the same page. On Sunday, we wrote love letters to each other with us being at our half a year mark. He said that I was his sun, moon and stars. *Beaming* He knows just how to get me. And can I say that I can't stop staring at the man? I see him every single day and still can't get enough. Didn't know that it could be this way.

I was trying not to talk about this until it happens but... Well maybe I should keep it to myself until the deal is sealed. But ladies and gentlemen, hubby and I are working on something big! We pray everyday that things go our way. We're hoping that Jehovah steps in on our behalf and steers things in a favorable direction. Once everything is signed, sealed and delivered, I'll make the grand announcement. I feel if I say too much or get my hopes up too high, I'll be disappointed. I know that's taboo talk, but I just can't take any chances!

My sister asked for a Bible study, so I've been studying with her for the past 2 weeks. Initially I was anxious out of my mind. Firstly, Pooh is not the type of person to listen to me. She has her own way of doing things and really can't understand why I am the way I am. (At least that's what I believe.) Secondly, she's a hard one to reason with. Well not really hard, but she challenges everything, and if you know me, you know that I don't have the stamina to drill anything. I'd rather agree to disagree and walk away then expend energy trying to get someone to understand a point. Thirdly, I'm not sure I have the teaching skills needed to get someone to rekindle their love for Jehovah. That's a serious thing and I'm not so sure of my abilities. But I decided not to worry about it. I pray for holy spirit constantly so if it's Jehovah's will, my sis will be reached. I take to heart James 4:8 that says that Jehovah draws close to those drawing close to Him. Pooh is making the effort, so I know Jehovah will reach back to her no matter how far away she may be. I'm looking forward to seeing my sister in cohorts with God again. Maybe then I won't be so strange and foreign to her.

I need to get back into the exercise circuit because I can feel my body getting a little thicker. My pants are slightly tight in the hip and butt area. I'm okay with it for now, but I need to make sure I don't bust out of those pants. I really can't afford new clothes. Zumba was doing my body good so I'm going to get back into it. I promise.

Hubby is having some back, knee and foot issues. He took the day off to handle some appointments for that big deal we're working on so hopefully he can get into the doctor today as well. I can't be having no 26 year old broke down husband. That's just ridiculous. As a matter of fact, he needs to get a full body test. I need me a superman right now. He can break down in his 60's or 70's but definitely not now. If he needs surgery, we need to do it that asap. They say in sickness and in health so I'm giving him the opportunity to be sick and healed NOW. I won't be so lenient and understanding in his 30's if these issues are still around. You hear me? I'm serious.

My parents put the house on the market. I've been in the house for 23 years. I can't imagine them not being there anymore but they're ready to move to Huntsville so I pray for their sakes that someone buys the place. I won't be too ecstatic about them leaving, but changes happen. It's a good thing flights to Huntsville are so quick and inexpensive.

I'm so sick of this District Bride Guide blog. I can't wait until December when my contract is up. The only way I would continue writing for it is if I were getting paid. But since I doubt that'll happen, it's time for me to move on. I've been with this blog for 7 months now. I'm done.

We're commenting again at the meetings and I like it. I never want to lose that privilege again. Our circuit overseer's visit is this week so I'm looking forward to the added spiritual impact. That reminds me, I need to invite TC... Ok, that's done. I wonder how she's doing. I haven't heard much more than a peep from her lately. How you doing Tip?! But back to what I was saying...it's going to be a good spiritual week. My field service time is up quite a bit. Better than it's ever been. Last month, I had 16 hours. I'm going to try to stay there on average for the year. We'll see how that goes in these next few winter months though. Anyway, things are going well spiritually.

I'm looking forward to my family coming down during our days off for the holiday. MJ's fam is getting together too so I'll be doing the in-law, my family split. Gotta fit both in!

Oooh! Prince just came on. I really want to see him in concert but he's only going to be in the New York area for a few shows. I looked up tickets for the 25th and it looks sold out to the general public. I'm sure there are lots of special offer/gold package/contest winner seats available but I don't feel like hunting for special codes and deals. I'd prefer to go on the 18th but we'll be at a formal in Charlotte. I'm really looking forward to the jazz formal. We're going with some mutual friends that we once had over for a football game so it should be fun. I need to start looking for some shoes to go with this rich, deep, cobalt, velvet dress I'm 5 seconds from getting. It's short though. I don't mind being different, but if I decide against it, there's a long Ports 1951 black gown that I have my eye on. Speaking of long, my goal this season is to get some new floor length skirts for every day wear. I hate tights so I'm trying to keep my legs warm using an alternative route. If I have any extra money, that's what I'll buy next.

Anyway, there's your update! I'm going to try to write more so be on the lookout. Have a nice week everyone.

JJ

Government

The government hates me. I promise you it does. I know it does. I've applied to over a dozen jobs since my work life started and every single time, I am rejected. How many "qualified but not referred" messages can you send me? Why not just say on the application, "JJ. This note is for you. Do NOT apply because we will reject you anyway." Government applications are by no means simple or easy. It takes time, energy and brain power to apply to a position. It's almost like applying for college. So with all my time and energy wasted...I'm over this b.s. MAYBE I'll give them the time of day sometime in the future, but right now, I'm done. I need some time to heal from all the rejection.

Another Day...

...another dollar. Sigh.

The only thing I enjoy about Mondays is my husband's and my family worship. I'm not sure what's happening to me but any opportunity that I have to lay up under that man and talk, I run for it like a fat kid running for cake. It's so odd to be this into him. *cue SWV's "I'm So Into You"* But whatever, he's my husband so I guess it's all good. Let me take the pride off.

I've been thinking a lot about the love movies and romantic comedies that I savor and how they compare to my life. If you know me, you are aware of the fact that sometimes I live my life according to movies. Is that wrong? Yes. But nevertheless, I do it. Sue me. =) So, in all this thinking, I came to the conclustion that my life is actually a love movie. Granted it's not as over the top as what you may see on the big screen, but I think you could very well take some film of us and use it as one of the frames in a movie about love. I usually spend so much time comparing myself to other fictional relationships that I fail to look at my own from the outside and see it for what it's really worth. But since I've taken a moment to do so, I can honestly say that I'm living a fantasy. That's not to say that we don't get into it though. Whenever we argue, my husband acts like it's the worst thing ever, which I guess is good. He's extremely serious about fixing us up while I'm over here just taking my time waiting for time to heal the issue. I don't think a day is a long time to not speak. I NEED a day when we're upset with each other, but again, it's the worst thing ever to him. But hunny bunny (he hates it when I call him that) is getting great at diffusing my defenses. The last time we fought, he came home with a dozen roses and a card that asked if we can start over again. I was already getting weak while reading the message on the front, so when I opened it and saw that he wrote a message in the card where some of the letters backwards like a kingdergardener would, all in crayon, it was over. It was so innocent and defenseless. The man had me balling like a baby. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the evening under him - the safest place in the world. I am in the healthiest and most functional relationship in my life. And because we have Jehovah as the third cord, the relationship is super strong. I couldn't ask for a better life.

Management Analyst for the Office of the Chief Financial Officer. That's the job I want. That's the job I need. I'm extremely qualified. I'm ready to step back up to the plate. And I'm excited about the position. I won't get paid as much as I used to working for Essence Magazine or The Washington Post, but I'll take it. There's no reason why I shouldn't get this job unless there's someone else out there that's a Microsoft Access expert. That's the only bullet point that I couldn't give myself a top rating in. If used it, but I've never developed it on my own. Drat! I really want that job. If you're reading this, can you please say a silent prayer for me right now? Thanks.

Recently I've been reading some of the blogs and excerpts and campaigns and controversies going on in the internet world. Why are there so many?! No Women No Womb, The Mean Girls of Morehouse, Kim Kardashian naked on W Magazine, the Black Marriage Negotations video, Bishop Eddie Long... What is going on?! Why are there so many issues and fights!? So what that some women decided they would rather be married than have a baby daddy or two. Yes, there are gay flamboyant men at Morehouse. Did you think this would never happen when our world is becoming increasingly gay? Why are you surprised? I've come to the conclusion that every just wants to fight. As soon as you state your opinion, no sooner is there some around the corner who wants to disagree with your OPINION just to disagree. And I hear that twitter is just a platform for fighting as well. Why are you screaming UNFOLLOW and BLOCK at each other? (Stolen from Black Snob. I love that. Hilarious!) How dumb is all of this? Before you know it, some angry, crazy, smart, techy person is going to blow up the internet just to stop people from writing things that he disagrees with. It's out of hand. Simply out of control. I'm trying to figure out where the line is between keeping up with the times and minding my own business. I like reading others blogs, but if I'm not in the know, I might as well be reading in Mandarin. I guess that's why I never comment on blogs full of opinions. Unless someone is blatantly ignorant of God's will/laws and I can afford an extra 15 minutes to minister, I'll keep to myself. No use in speaking unless I'm going to shut it down with facts that come from the Bible. With as many professed Christians as there are around here, you can't really argue with that. But if people were speak Bible facts, the drama would end. And who wants that?! Smh.

Anyway, back to me. What else is going on? Oh. I've been meeting and making acquaintances with a lot of new people lately. Most of them are married couples actually, which has been quite nice. I really enjoy having them in my rolodex and plan to do some fun things with them in the future. It's nice to know there are people I can go to a Jazz Formal with (December in Charlotte, NC!), but also go out in the ministry with and talk seriously about our thoughts on ministering in another country seeing as though were are without children. I was talking to 3 of my male co-workers at once about my lack of luster for children. I tried to explain that I wanted to be free to do things that are important to me and my relationship with Jehovah, but they didn't understand. Oh well. At least I know those who do.

MJ just texted me asking me how my head was feeling since I've had a constant headache for two days now. I told him that was sweet and he asked if it was romantic enough. LOL. My man is learning! He puts a smile on my face. Well, my headache is actually starting to come back so, let me see how long I can put my head down without an interruption.

Ciao!

Black Marriage Negotiations

So true!

Rihanna - "Only Girl (In The World)"

This chorus rips through my heart. I indentify with it 100%. This is the type of chorus that I can close my eyes and scream into the universe and never get tired of repeating. Just like Ri Ri does on top of the mountain here! I always need to feel like this girl.

Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world…
Like I’m the only one that’s in command
Cuz I’m the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man


Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only one…



The video is stupidly refreshing for a Ri Ri video. I can breathe in this one.

Keri Hilson - "Breaking Point" Video

Yeeesss! This video is the business! Every woman has a breaking point ya'll! I can't wait for Keri's new CD!



For more leaked Keri songs, click here!

Stupid Twitter

I joined twitter recently, and I think I hate it. sigh.

I must be getting old. Everytime I check my twitter timeline, I get annoyed. Scrolling through post after post after post that says "Love ya!", "Cool!", "You betcha!", "OMG", "So true!" or something of the like leaves me feeling stupified. I'm pretty sure brain cells are dying as I read. There's nothing of substance on that thing! It's almost if I were sitting in a ballroom of valley girls who squeal "OMG, like, TOTALLY" over and over again. What's the point? I don't understand why anyone would wish that facebook would go away. It's so much more robust. Maybe I hate twitter because I don't tweet. I have literally nothing to say. But I'll keep my account as it appears to be the wave of the future. The older I get (and I'm only 27!), the more effort I have to put forth in staying with the times. sigh.

Adjustments

It's a ho hum kind of day. I think I missed the transition into fall. The rain and cold have invaded my territory. I can't believe the high is only 55 today. Nevertheless, I had a good weekend full of spiritual food. It's nice to get information that forces you to look at yourself and make changes that will put you in a better position for Jehovah's favor. Everyone needs a slap in the face every now and then to awaken from a state of comfort. The topic of materialism was huge. We received so many warnings that I would be foolish not to look at myself and apply the information. I must admit that I'm a little obsessed over fashion. Liking fashion in and of itself is not wrong, but it has to have the right priority in my life. I kinda need to be obsessed with my service to Jehovah before I become fixated on the fad of the season. I don't know how much of my thinking is given to fashion per day, but I know that I need to tailor it a bit. Or else I could end up crowding out what's most important. My attachment to material things will have a direct relationship to my survival through the great tribulation. How will I survive if I keep looking back at those new riding boots I just bought?

My action plan is to tailor how much time I focus on fashion. I get daily emails that point me towards something regarding fashion. I need to change those email preferences being that without those emails, I probably wouldn't look at it so much. While I also consider the text daily, I want to limit the attention I give towards fashion to once a week. That'll definitely give me more time to focus on my servitude. When I made my dedication to Jehovah, I vowed that I would live my life for him; that I would become His slave. I'm so glad that I received the warnings and that I'm taking steps the make the needed adjustment.

Marriage is going well. I really can't complain. We're in our 5th month and coming along quite nicely. I still like the man, so all is good! One of the main reasons why things are going so well is because of our weekly family worship. Taking time to discuss our issues, or whatever's on our minds, with the Bible is so helpful. For example, tonight we're going to review our notes from this weekend's assembly and figure out what changes we're going to make in order to draw closer to Jehovah. It's not a joke. The world, which Satan clearly has in his claws, is designed to tear us away from Jehovah. So we're going to work to combat that. They are too many distractions out here for us not to have a plan. So yeah, we're doing well. We're keeping Jehovah as that third cord, and it's proving to work! I am so happy to have MJ. I couldn't imagine being headed by anyone else. He's perfect for me.

Artist

Today is about artistry. It's all about the creative. I will go out on a limb and say that I'm an artist. I don't exercise the occupation as much as I should, but without creativity, I would be dead. Robotic normacy is dry. It's dag on near unlivable. I'm inspired by ones who put things together that are fresh. I like 'different'.

These thoughts came to my mind as I peeked over at Shannon Evans blog. A photographer and writer in Atlanta. I met her through a networking connection I made here at work. I'm really in love with her work, hence me reading her blog.

Anyway, she dropped a Bilal video on today's post that I'm so lost in. OMG. It's amazing. Check out Bilal's rendition of Bob Marley's "Is This Love". This is a man that I'm dying to see in concert. I saw him once when he performed at my college, but I need to see this man pronto. Anyway, I hope you like the video/song.

FULL SCREEN
The Sounds of VTech / bilal_isthislove_web

Kelly Again!! Forever And A Day

This girl is so cute that she's making me smile!

NY Fashion Week - Spring 2011

You'd have to be under a rock to not know that it's Fashion Week. Here are a few of my highlights for Spring 2011 so far.


Zac Posen - how adorable is this dress?! I love the shoes too!


Lela Rose - so perrttty.


Lela Rose - love the hair too.


Christian Siriano - who else thinks of a leather bolero!?


Christian Siriano - this is so me. that's sharp!


Christian Siriano - love it.


BCBGn - easy breezy... you see that mesh strip at the hem too? yes!

Here's the video of Christian Siriano's show. Be ready to be amazed!

Christian Siriano is amazing. From Project Runway to one of the most fabulous designers. Get it Christian!

How I'm Feeling - Lovin the Words To "Rose Colored Glasses"

For Colored Girls

Peep the trailor...

JoJo - In The Dark

Go 'head girl.

Reflecting: New Service Year

This month marks the beginning of a new service year... Sigh. Man on man, how times flies. And more than that, man oh man, how time changes. I kicked off my last service year by getting baptized. It was one of the happiest days of my life. But what ended up as a good jump start to my life as a spiritual woman, soon became troubled. I have gone through so much in this past year that I can't even begin to recount everything. There have been happy occasions but most of it, sorry to say, has been rough. But I choose not to dwell in the past. Instead, I'm looking forward to this new service year and all the opportunities that are coming up. I'm starting with a fresh slate and I'm ready to fill it up with positive things starting with my goals.

I'm not trying to list a whole bunch of goals here but the one I will mention is one I've been thinking about for a while. I want to serve Jehovah more wholeheartedly, despite what anyone else is doing. It's a lot easier to go hard when you're surrounded by people who likewise go hard, but that won't always be the case. Even when someone's feeling particularly lazy or unmotivated, I have to separate myself and maintain my spiritual identity. My identity is my own. No one else's. This goal is particularly important, especially in marriage. What my husband may seem to feel is enough for him, may not be enough for me. He's been serving Jah all his life. Not I. This is about me and Jehovah. So that's my number one goal for this service year - to serve Jehovah in the way that I know to be best for my needs and personality.

Considering my new role as wife, the other thing I want to focus on this service year is the use of Jehovah's holy spirit when it comes to prayer and the fruitages of the spirit. I don't think I pray enough. When things are challenging in marriage, prayer goes out the window for me and then I turn into a raving lunatic. For some increasingly odd reason, I choose to stay mad and say things that are not in the spirit of reconciliations. I say 'increasingly odd' because he's usually trying hard to fix the issue and get us back into a space of peace. It baffles me everytime we come out of something why I was so dag on crazy. That's so unproductive and I know that. So asking for Jehovah's holy spirit a bit more will do wonders, I'm sure. I also need to focus a bit more on the fruitages of the spirit. Goodness, mildness, self-control, long-suffering, joy, peace, love, kindness, and faith. I need to focus heavily on mildness and self-control for the times when things go wrong.

At the end of the day, I just want to be a good wife and a good minister/representative of Jehovah.

I wish we had an office because I want to put notes and thoughts up for me to remember on a board or the surrounding walls. Scriptures, inspiration, positive quotes, nice reminders... Something to help me out for this next year. I'm a visual person so seeing them will probably make a difference in my life. I'll come up with something in the meantime.

Off to another year... I'm praying for a good one.

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

Every woman has a breaking point ya'll.
I love this Keri Hilson song.
Can't wait til her album drops.
I'm feeling pretty good today.
I look fly too.
That always helps.
I'm looking forward to the long weekend.
Don't have anything extraordinary planned.
Just gonna drop in on a wedding down in VA.
I think I'm going to wear the same dress I wore to my meet & greet althought the bride saw it already.
I really can't be concerned.
That's the only dress I have for a wedding.
My hubby said we would be married before these two that are getting married this weekend.
He was right.
I never thought we were going to get married when we did.
There were so many struggles at that time.
So it's true.
I have too much time on my heads.
I dag on near hyper-ventilated yesterday thinking too hard.
Sitting around, reading articles and imagining relationship issues that we don't have.
The thing is that I like reading articles on stuff that relates to me.
Black female/male relationships.
But when I have too much time on my hands, I begin to internalize and take on stuff.
Anyway, I get paid today!
At least I SHOULD get paid today.
This joint is bootleg.
My gas light is on, so I NEEDS to get paid today.
I should be starting classes soon.
I wonder why PGCC hasn't sent me anything yet.
I almost forget I start classes in a minute.
OMG
I just spent a few minutes talking to one of the new girls here.
She just put me ON.
Check out her best friend's photography site.
http://www.sevanphotography.com/
This is so how I would do it!
I love strong beautiful A-American presence.
She's surely not afraid to be who she is.
I can already tell from the site.
Alright.
I'm officially inspired.
See what a few minutes of getting to know someone can do?
Yes!!!

90's Music: Remember When??

Fall Trends 2010

I'm itching to shop. I'm so excited for this year's fall trends. Here are seven. Which trend are you looking to buy this season?

The Aviatrix



I have my pea coat so it's time to search for a good quality aviator jacket.

Camel Classics



I have a cute camel overcoat with a leopard fur collar to boot that I'm excited to wear this year.

The Great Cover Up



Zara is great for these capes and cover up coats. There's where I got mine!

Country Cool



Anybody up for cable knit sweaters and parkas?

Amazing Lace



I'm looking for minimal lace this year... Just a shirt will do, if I find the right one.

Scarlet Fever



Now, this is what I'm talking about. I definitely need to go scarlet shopping. I love the color red. If I'm pinching pennies, red lipstick and my red, wedding pumps will have to do.

Tailor Made



Borrow from the boys. Blazers and tailored pants suits. This is my biggest want. Pants and pants suits.

Shopping List: winter white & grey cigarette pants, aviator jacket, lace shirt, tailored suit, red dress, parka, cable knit sweater, feminine frilly blouses

How I'm Feeling: Tired But Calm

I love the feel of this song... It goes perfectly with my mood. "I love you much too much." Thank you Maze.

Interesting Topics

I recently started reading Clutch Magazine and I'm glad I found the site. I've been in need of some pointed discussions and that's exactly what Clutch gives me.

Check out these two articles and tell me what you think.

The Super Ex-Boyfriend - The author challenges our ideas on cutting ties with exes. I wholeheartedly disagree with the article, however, I'm interested in the topic. While some may be able to stay friends with their exes out of sheer concern, I'm not to sure how I would feel about my husband checking up on his exes every now and then. Actually, I am sure how I would feel. I can imagine the issues and arguments that would result from the periodic check-ins. "Why don't you take the time to ask me how my day is in the same way you ask her how her life is going?" When we're living together, we often take each other for granted forgetting to do or say the simplest things such as "How was your day?" or "I miss you." It's not that we intentionally forget. It's just that when you see someone day after day, you tend not to be so formal. No matter if it's once or twice a year, I certainly don't want to hear my husband feeling concerned about his exes life for fear that I might get... jealous. Yep jealous.

Are You The Thorn Or Rose In A Black Man's Ass? - The comments are hilarious on this one. I agree that sometimes women need to contemplate their words and the magnitude of the support they give their black men. We can be very strong and hard with our men. Why not season your suggestions and advice with salt? Many of the commenters seem to feel that this article is an attack on the black women. I don't feel that way at all. The article isn't meant to address how wonderful we are. That's a separate post altogether and we all know there are a dozen of those out there. Our men are just asking us to be easy sometimes. What's wrong with that?

My Weekend

Yaaawn...

My weekend was good. It's the first one in a while that was joyful, i.e. void of crazy j.j. attitude. I think I need to give that chick a name because she certainly has a personality and identity of her own. I think I'm going to call her Jex. It seems appropriate that she have the letter 'x' in her name because baby girl can be criss crossed and out of her mind. Word to the wise...no one can identify her but me though. None of that, 'Jex must be here' stuff from other people. That'll only make her turn into Jexazel, and you really don't want to meet her. Lol. But back to the weeknd.

It was really cool man. Friday, I went to my mother in laws for a ladies movie night. We watched Look Who's Coming To Dinner with Harry Belafonte and Katherine Hepburn. I love that movie. Didn't realize how funny it was until I watched it with the ladies. The best part of the night was after the movie when everyone began talking about how they knew their husbands were the one and what mistakes they made in their prior marriages. (The age range was somewhere around 35 - 50.) I didn't say much, but took good mental notes. I like listening to the married wisdom of older women.

Saturday after a good morning of door to door preaching work and a Bible study, my husband and I cooled out in the house with each other and a movie. The movie was actually pretty interesting/suprising so we got a good post-conversation in about the purpose of life. It was made clear that we have differing approaches to life. At times, I've felt that it's THE thing that divides us, but I'm beginning to wrap my mind around appreciating our differences. It's hard to find the wonder in our differences, but I'm working on it. I think that's my major lesson right now.

After the movie, my husband checked his account and got stupid excited at the amount of money that was there. You see, it was his first paycheck from his new position and he undercalculated how much he would get. It was funny seeing him get so hype. It was cute actually. It's nice to see him worry free. The next words out of his mouth were "Get dressed baby! We're going out!" Two hours later we were sitting in Ruth's Chris talking, laughing, discussing... We invited a young couple who we hadn't yet hung out with to dinner so once they arrived, we had quite the nice couples conversation about alcohol, food and the first year of marriage. We were too siditty while sipping our wine and eating our chocolate cake with sweet cream and berries. Lol. After dinner, the four of us went down to K street and cut it up over long island ice teas. I haven't had that much fun in a while.

Yesterday, we rose after about two hours of sleep to join my parents, my sis and her boyfriend on a trip to Ocean City. We only got in a few hours on the beach though because it began to storm. But we made some nice memories, sitting on the beach talking about anger management and sitting in the car sheltered from the rain by a car wash while eating fried chicken and potato salad.

Needless to say, I'm tired. MJ and I have family worship tonight, but after that, I'm washing my hair and then passing out.

How was your weekend?

Scriptures And Thoughts For Controlling Anger

I apparently have an issue with anger when I'm PMS-ing. So, what could be more on time than a Biblical study entitled "Gracious Speech Promotes Good Relations"? Don't really mind me here. I just feel the need to re-type or jot down ideas and scriptures that stick out to me while reading. Take what you want from it.

- "'Let your utterance be always with graciousness, seasoned with salt.' (Col. 4:6) Such tasteful, appropriate speech is essential to good communication and peace."

- "Good communication does not mean saying everything you are thinking and feeling at any given moment, especially if you are upset. The Scriptures show that uncontrolled expression of anger is a mark of weakness, no strenthg." Ha! Point well taken. That one hit me right in the face. Sometimes I rationalize my not so good speech by thinking that at least I'm communicating. No go jj. Work on that.

- All his spirit is what a stupid one lets out, but he that is wise keeps it calm to the last. - Prov. 29:11

- "'In the abundance of words there does not fail to be transgression, but the one keeping his lips in check is acting discreetly.' (Prov. 10:19) Yet, discretion does not mean never expressing oneself. It means speaking "with graciousness," using the tongue to heal rather than to hurt."

- "There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing." - Prov. 12:18

-"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and he that is loving it will eat its fruitage." - Prov. 18:21 So basically, if I spit fire, I'm putting myself in line for death and not for everlasting life. Well I surely don't want to die when I have the option to live in a paradise forever. I need to check my tongue.

- "If something a brother has said or done disturbs you so much that you cannot simply pass over it, do not let hateful feelings fester in your heart. If someone angers you, get your own emotions under control and then take the steps needed to resolve the matter...address it kindly at an opportune time."

-"Speak...in a spirit of reconciliation." Word. Take steps to resolve. Don't seek ways to get back. When I'm hurt, I find that I reach out to hurt back. It's the natural reaction due to sin and imperfection. So I need to work the spirit of reconciliation.

-Take care to select the proper time to speak. Eccl. 3:1, 7 says, "the heart of the righteous one meditates so as to answer." This is what I need. I need to take time to figure out HOW to become gracious. Because when I'm mad, I don't even know how to be nice. Meditating first is going to prove beneficial. Taking my pen and paper and writing is out is always my remedy.

- "A discreet wife," one in whom her husband can really "put trust," is considerate of his feelings, just as she wants him to be of hers. "The truly wise woman has built up her house, but the foolish one tears it down with her own hands." - Prov. 14:1 That's powerful right there. The last time my husband and I got into it, I was so man that I tore him down. This scripture points out though that it's quite stupid to do that if you want a happy, upbuidling household. A woman's attitude can rule the whole house. If it's a bad one, it'll certainly bring everyone down. So my lesson is to not tear down. Basically, if I don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. Silence is golden.

- "Handling anger calmly is not simply a matter of putting on a serene face. Pray for Jehovah's help to rid your heart of hurtful feelings. Let Jehovah's spirit transform your mind and heart to conform to His will." Isn't the answer always to pray?

- "Practical steps...leave the scene, thus giving your emotions time to settle...make an extra effort to speak graciously. A cutting or agressive remark would add fuel to the fire even if it is delivered in a gentle voice. Pray for Jehovah's spirit to help you to say good things, not bad."

- Ecclesiates makes some good points...The end is always better than the beginning so be patient and don't be in a hurry to get offended, for the taking of offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid ones. It also encourages us to not give your heart to everything that people say because you well know that you have said some things about people too. So instead of taking offense, patiently analyze why they may have said what they said. It'll help in moving us to be forgiving.

- "In order for us to receive God's forgiveness, we MUST forgive others. Be quick to apologize and quick to forgive."

Endearing

I just had to steal these pics from ybf today. They really struck my heart strings today. Married now, I understand the amount of hard work that can sometimes weigh a marriage down. There's simply nothing easy about it. And for that very reason, I really love these pics of Bey and Jay. Even though marriage is hard, this husband and wife team appears to be so.... what's the word? Easy! There's something so sweet and endearing about them. They actually look like friends...



Jay always throws his arm around Bey. Haven't you noticed that? Take a look back at some of the pics. He does it at the basketball games, walking down the street and on their yacht vacations too. It's such a "this is my homegirl, my roll dog" statement. It's different than holding hands, and even different than what Bey's doing in the second picture (which says "this is my baby who I love to take care of"). Jay's display of love is so casual...like an everyday thing. A simple, every day thing. I absolutely LOVE that. It's normal. It's effortless.



These pics are inspiring to me. Of course, we're only seeing one side of the story, but what we do see is immensely loving. They're having fun, they're smiling, they're into one another... It's almost as if the novelty of being together hasn't worn off. And how long have these two been together? Since 2002! Dating for 6 years and married for 2. There's no question that these two are grounded in each other. It shows.




One of my biggest fears in my marriage is that the novelty of each other will wear off and we'll get tired of one another. Or that the idea of each other is no big deal anymore. I'm telling you, the conflicts and arguments can do something terrible to the bond of a couple. Especially a couple that hasn't been together that long like my husband and myself. It's almost like each argument can start to degrade the relationship. Soon enough you're just focusing on ways to avoid disagreements instead of ways to bond and live easy. You can tell that Bey and Jay are friends. What their fights are like, no one will know. But one thing is for sure. After being together for 8 years, we can be sure they've had their share. So to come out looking like this is so awesome. I only pray that I look this way in 8 years. I want something natural, easy and happy too.

Keri's Breaking Point

Can't wait for this girl to hit the airwaves again. Here's why...


Keri Hilson -Breaking Point(clean) - No Boys Allowed by The Chamber Group

Isn't this hot?

The new album "No Boys Allowed" is slated to drop in late 2010. Loving that title. Get it Keri.

Yes, Jones Magazine! Yes!

Jones Magazine, the premier magazine resource for multicultural women like me, has taken my heart. They have created not one but TWO fierce covers for the most talked about issue of the year for fashion magazines. Everyone who knows publishing, knows that September is the issue of the year for every print magazine. Vogue, Bazaar, Cosmopolitan! You ain't nothing on Jones Magazine! I'm so proud of Jones for pulling in with the ranks of the best on their second national issue! Take that!

Take a preview of 17 full pages of the magazine which is on stands now! Subscribe or buy yours today!

http://www.pdf-archive.com/2010/08/17/wav4jzq/jonesfallfashionissuepdf.pdf

Facebook Blocked

Can you believe it? All of a sudden, I'm getting super sensitive about sharing my business! Yesterday, I temporarily deactivated my facebook account (yes, only temporarily) and for the past couple weeks, Ive found myself journaling a lot more rather than blogging. I don't know what the deal is, but I'm becoming so private! Anyone who knows my blogging history can understand how big of a shift this is for me. I used to share my entire world with the internet. What the latest embarrasing emotional pain I was in, what new booty scratching ailment I had (not really) and what color underwear I had on.

Is the purpose of facebook really to keep in touch with your friends and family, or is it more so to be nosey and snoop around in the lives of others? I can tell you for a fact that I snoop. And not only do I snoop, but I form opinions of people based on their pictures and start to catch feelings about people's status messages when they're a little too perky or a little to immature. For example, upon hearing about this new chick that I was supposed to catch a happy hour with, I immediately found her on facebook to gather investigative information. What kind of clothes does she wear? Does she keep her hair neat? Who are her friends? Is she miss chatty on this thing? When was her latest wall post? Don't fake like you don't do it too. I have facebook lojack on you. I always know where you are.

What did we do before facebook and twitter? I can't even remember. Pagers. That's what we did. I never had a pager though, so you know what I did?! I wrote letters! Gasp! Remember when we used to write notes and fold them up like footballs? (My husband wrote me a note like that recently and it brought back so many warm feelings.) Remember when we couldn't wait to open it and read it so you could write one back and shyly pass it back? Having to walk up to someone to pass them the note was real man! You actually had to muster up guts and feel some raw emotions and crap! It was real. We don't do that anymore.

So why did I deactivate my account? Honestly, because of how stupid emotionally attached I was to that thing. I felt like I had no control! It's really silly, but there are some people on there that I'm not really feeling too much, but for some reason, I'm always clicking on their name to find out what they did or said lately. How stupidly curious! And then I would do the "ugh" sound everytime I ended up on their profile only to click away in disgust. (That is so unchristian of me to portray such disdain. Forgive me Lord.) But why do I do that to myself?!

You know what it is too? I have a real hatred towards cliques. Facebook is nothing but an universal manifestation of cliques. It brings out of me a longing to want to be "in". It makes me forget that I am in fact the ish all by myself, even without a facebook account. Yes, that's the real reason I left facebook.

But for all the things that facebook isn't, there are a million reasons that facebook is. And that's why, one day, I'll be back.

How I'm Feeling

Just for today, I wish I was alone in the world. I need peace.

Get It Together

Happy Monday everyone. I hope you all had a good weekend. Mine was so so. My cold is getting better but it's still running me ragged. I'm so drained. It's not even sleep that I need. I'm just generally exhausted. Tired of being sick I guess.

I'm hot as I don't know what. I don't know if it's because of this long sleeved shirt whose sleeves I rolled up or the oatmeal I'm eating. Normally I'm cold in this office. I was hot before I left for work though as I was going around the house trying to clean up. The condo looks like a disaster. I need an entire day to clean. When I get home, I'm just so out of it. Sitting around all day with nothing to do gets tiring. I should start exercising. I've been asking hubby to show me what he does in the gym so that I can concoct an exercise regiment of my own, but I can do it without him. He says he's too tired for the gym but that has nothing to do with me.

I need to step it up. I need to work a little harder around the house, get into the gym, apply to jobs... I just need to get it together.

I'm going to start on my personal Bible study now so I'll check ya'll later. I hope you have a great and productive week.

Goodness

I have three celebrity loves. Idris Elba, Michael Ealy and Lance Gross. Idris is definitely on the top of the list.

My Weekend Is Ruined!

Goodness... I Truly Hope The Rumors Are True

Lauryn Hill is the business. I would LOVE to see her in concert in the near future. I never thought this day would come again.

Bilal New Album "Airtight's Revenge" September 14th

I'm excited for Bilal's new Album. Make sure you get it on September 14th! "Airtight's Revenge"

How Was Your Weekend?

Good morning everyone. Happy Monday. How was your weekend? Well I hope. I hope you did something fun. The days and weeks seem to run together at times, so it's nice to be able to enjoy the time off and soak in as much peace and relaxation as you can. Recharge your batteries, so to speak.

My weekend was... (I always have a hard time remembering exactly what I did.) Let me think. It was... eventful. Friday, my husband and I went to the movies to see Salt right after I picked him up from the metro station. I ended up being in a funky mood for whatever reason, so I went to bed early that night. Saturday morning, my husband and I got into an argument (probably because of said funky mood that didn't seem to go away) and then promptly made up. We then went to my parent's so that I could meet with a client. I have a photography job that I want to do extremely well on, so I actually need to take some time today and think about how I want to approach the job creatively. After meeting with the client, mom, dad, my husband and I went out to Fairfax, VA to schmooze with some old friends of the family. The Mrs. of the house just got promoted to VP of HR so we went to celebrate with them and to kind of step my toe back into her world for potential networking opportunities. I left promising to get on her calendar so I need to make sure I do that. Saturday night, my husband took me back to the spot where we used to sit in the car together while dating. It was nice to go back and visit the old dating grounds. Sunday, after service, we went to Carrabas for a nice dinner and then came home to rest, watch tv and cook together. I think my favorite day of the weekend was Sunday, although I was sad that Sunday evening meant work in the morning. I like time alone with my husband.

This week is going to be different. I'm not going to sit at this desk bored out of my mind. I'm going to conjure up a plan. Today, after finishing my Bible reading and studies, I am going to do a couple of things. I'm going to set up the next steps for my business and plan out when I'll be able to register for photography and design classes according to my paychecks. Then I'm going to sketch out a creative design scheme for the side job I acquired Saturday. I also plan to re-do my budget, look for jobs and crack open a new novel that I brought from home. I know that I hate my job, but I want to make the best of this. I can't have the time that I spent here go in vain.

Anyway, how was your weekend and what big plans do you have for the week? How will you make the best out of your week? I could use the inspiration so let me know! =) Have a good one.

Every Job Comes With Challenges

There's a lot going on it seems and I'm beginning to feel the stress ball that I've managed to avoid for a few months now. Since my wedding, this have been pretty quiet and calm, but as we know, nothing lasts forever.

I took a lazy job, one that would allow me to sit down and do nothing for a while. I was tired of the grind and decided that being a receptionist was the job for me. One would think that this would be a piece of cake for me. Wrong. I feel trapped. The company has a small business mindset that could use a boost. I try to sit here quietly while things go arry all the whilst recalling solutions from my past experiences that I KNOW could be of assistance, but it's driving me crazy. What makes it even worse is that I'm afraid to voice my suggestions. You see... the back door (the one I man) is a revolving door. In the three months that I've been here, over six employees have been fired. Three here, one there, two over there... It's quite creepy to be exact. When someone is suddenly escorted to the door after putting in hours of weekday and weekend labor, everyone in the office who is not in the know, is shocked. We're never told why or given a memo on lessons learned so in all of our ignorance, the rest of us keep our heads down. If I'm keeping track, it seems like the most assertive and outspoken employees are the ones who get drop-kicked to the door. So if I suggest that they toss some of their load my way in order to get bills paid on time, will I be fired as well? I'm not working with the most humble and open-minded employers, so I'm not too easy about sharing my knowledge. I don't want to jeapordize my job.

I need to work on moving towards my next job. I want to stay here for a minute while I take classes that'll prepare me to take on a new industry, but I don't know how much longer I can sit quietly. After the saddening phone call that I got yesterday, I'm motivated to make a change. Maybe my lesson here is to bite my lip. That's what my co-worker told me to do. But if I know that having weekly staff meetings will benefit the production of the company, should I hold that in? Aren't we supposed to lift each other up towards success? Of course I don't know for sure that they would reject it, but from what I see, it's dangerous to even try. Should I take the gamble?

One thing is for sure, it's much easier to find a job while having one. It's time to start looking. I've taken classes while having a full time busy job and I know that I could do it again. I'm up for the challenge.

Every job comes with challenges. Even a simple receptionist position. I keep saying how perfect my Essence Magazine job was but upon reading a few of my old posts, I was reminded that it wasn't all roses. What I keep holding on to, however, is that I don't really remember many of the hard times. As a whole, the experience was wonderful. It was a well-matched job and I miss it. Ever since Essence, I've been trying to find another well-matched job. I had the wrong viewpoint for a moment in thinking that the next job I take should be a breeze if I really love it. Every job comes with its challenges.

I envy people like my husband who love what they do. He has such a zeal for his job. He doesn't have to give himself a pep talk in the morning to do his job. He yearns to assist people with their information technology issues. He likes being the one they need as he has the knowledge to fulfill their requests. He's confident in what he does and no one can tell him that he's not the best in what he does. Not many people have that. How am I going to find my happy pocket when all I know is finance, excel spreadsheets and numbers?

I hate the time when career planning becomes the number one topic on my mind...but here it goes again. I have to figure this out.