I Messed Up

How are you supposed to know yourself well enough at 18 years old to pick a major that's going to stay with you for the rest of your life? I don't understand that. How can colleges request that you narrow in on a specific field during a time in your life when you're just beginning to figure out what kind of cereal you want to buy, and not what your parents always bought and fed you? Why do colleges force you to do that?! In my humble opinion, that is SO WRONG of them! I blame college. Shoo. I blame my parents.

I somehow was smart enough to study two disciplines; economics and dance. But my question is why was I never encouraged to pursue dance (or another art form) when I clearly got better grades in it. I wrote better papers. I had better ideas. I had a keener appreciation. I had more joy. So why didn't my parents point that out? Why didn't they lead me down an artsy path instead of pushing me to pursue finance? My hypothesis: It was because of their own selfish reasons. They didn't want to assist in supporting me as an artsy person. Finance paid more so they led me into their own personal financial freedom. At least that's what I believe. I totally could be wrong though. I was their first child in college. Maybe I didn't display any artsy qualities. Maybe they just didn't know. This is why I sometimes hate that I was the quiet child. I wasn't as expressive as I wished I was. My parents would have seen something different if I was. I just texted my mother and asked why I wasn't led down an artsy path. We'll see if my hypothesis is true.

I just totally hate where my life has taken me in terms of career...which is why I'm blaming the world. I simply hate it. I want to change careers so bad. I want to start all over from scratch and go to school for interior design with a minor in photography. I looked at how much an intro to interior design would cost at Corcoran College of Art and Design... $2,700. smh. I feel so defeated. It's like the world's forces want me to stay miserable. Why isn't it easier to switch careers mid stream? It makes me feel like my formative years were a waste. Of course I know I got something out of it. I'm a better thinker, I have deductive reasoning skills, I can handle finances, I can manage a project, I have organizational skills... I still wish I had done more.

I need to take this feeling and do something with it... I have to think...

Ran-dumb Thoughts

I'm sitting here watching Iron Man with him.
But I've seen it so many times.
Only half interested.
Saw 'The Adjustment Bureau' Friday night.
Best movie I've seen in a while.
It had me thinking.
I even got a good conversation out of it with him.
A deep one.
A pivotal one.
I've been quite irritated lately.
Just not in the mood to laugh and joke around.
Nothing's particularly wrong.
Just in a mood.
I mentioned that I think one of my friends might be depressed.
He asked me if she has a heavy conscious about anything.
It's funny he went there first.
He said it'll keep you unhappy every single time.
I guess he's right.
Job hunting is the same.
Tired of 'updating' that.
It'll stay the same until it's not.
When it's not, you'll know.
I just gotta find my faith that everything is going to be ok.
I wish my parents were down the street.
I could use a visit to 2001 this evening.
Hang out in front of the tv.
Eat some home cooked food.
Get a break from my house.
The information on singleness hit me.
For the simple fact that I could be single in a second.
Unforeseen occurrences happen.
Anyway, days are just days.
But I'm looking forward to my trip in May.
It'll be a break.
I don't think I'm every truly satisfied though.
Days are always just days.
No matter whether I'm working or not.
This life truly sucks.
Things will be so much better in paradise if I make it.

Scriptural Aha Moment

You know how when you're down and crying, you tend to cry even harder when someone hugs you showing their care and concern? Well that just happened to me when I read this scripture in Colossians that says, "let the peace of the Christ control in your hearts..." My peace seems to be running away from me today, so I felt like Jehovah was reaching out to me at that very minute. And since the memorial of Jesus' death is right around the corner, the idea of the ransom sacrifice is on my mind. There's another scripture in Hebrews 4:14-16 that talks about how we have freeness of speech when it comes to talking to Jesus because we have as a savior not someone who can't sympathize with our weaknesses but one who went through the same tests we go through everyday. By coming to earth to die for us, Jesus can attest to how hard it is living in Satan's world all the while fighting to keep uplifted. I love Jesus for that! He is the bomb for doing that for me! And I am so happy that He knows how I feel and what I'm going through.

I say all that to say that it's clear Jehovah has my best interests at heart. I've been pretty strong since losing my job, and for some reason everything that I've been saying to myself about having faith in Jehovah's timing and the lessons that are meant for right now went right out the window this morning. But reading these scriptures recharges me and being allowed to talk to Jehovah through prayer because of Jesus leaves me thankful. I don't know where I would be if I couldn't pray and be heard by God. I'd be lying if I said everything was all good now, but I'm thankful for the reminder. I need these 'aha moments' to keep on coming to prevent me from falling too low.

I'm looking forward to showing my appreciation for the ransom sacrifice by being present at the Memorial on April 17th no matter what comes up. He said to 'keep doing this in remembrance of me' so I must do what the man says.  =)

Pouring Applications and Resumes

When he leaves in the morning to head to work like a good husband does, I feel like I'm not pulling my weight. Here he is taking care of the family, and I'm struggling to keep our house clean and have food on the stove when he gets home. This cleaning and cooking thing doesn't get any easier. I thought being unemployed would make a difference but the house looks even messier now than it did when we both worked. I think it's because we live in it more. I'm here all the time, and every Monday we're both contributing to some sort of mess.

Being unemployed was great for a while. But now, not so much. And I mean... I expected this moment to come, so I can't say I'm surprised, but the novelty has officially worn off. I need a job. And of course, as soon as I get a job, I'm going to wish that I had time off to be home... It never fails. The grass is always greener. What I need is a job that works me in cycles. Go hard for a few months, and then work from home lightly for the next few. Wouldn't that be special?

HGTV was supposed to serve as inspiration, but now it's making me feel small. That's what happens when you focus on the material 24/7. I never knew that inspiration could bite me in the butt though. I thought inspiration was supposed to be a positive concept. smh.

I'm tired.

Switch It Up!

This burgundy/red mess has run its course and I have one more long look in me before I cut it all off for the summer...So for the next style, I'm between two options. The Teyana Taylor (love big, curly hair) or the Naomi Campbell (love the straight bangs). If I get the Naomi, my hair will be shorter of course like the first Naomi picture. It'll be cut blunt above the shoulders to give a cute cropped look.

Big and curly or sleek with bangs...

all photos courtesy of google image search!

The New House

As soon as I get a new job and get my first two checks, it's on.

10 Things I Have to Have In A New House

1.  natural light! sky lights, big windows, open light space, whatever...
2.  a window bench
3.  a man room (these remote control cars, helicopters, etc. are messing with my fung shui)
4.  an office with a tall bookcase
5.  a white upholstered chair or couch
6.  kitchen island with bar stool chairs
7.  glass shower in master bath
8.  big art on the walls, preferably my art
9.  2 bedrooms besides the master (guest room and a just in case room)
10.  flowers and plants

My Room in 'Fake Furs'

We've been looking forward to buying a house. And I've been looking forward to designing my own room, perhaps the office. I believe I found my colors. This breathes tranquility and light.

 

Jessica of Design Wonderful recommends the entire book, The Color Scheme Bible, to draw inspiration from. When we buy, I just might have to come armed with this little jewel.

Stolen and Inspired

I was inspired, so I stole... Thanks Tanekeya.

 Music

 Paint

Passion

Aren't these ads so on point? This is me in a nutshell. Especially the last one. Looking at the image makes me think about my non-existent but desired career. Can I have both?

'Exquisite Delight In The Abundance of Peace'

I'm having a moment... My bedroom window is cracked open just enough to hear the morning drizzle and chirping birds. The bedroom is dark except for the invading light from the slither of curtain I drew back. I'm writing while snug under my duvet cover. There's a light breeze that's freshening my face... Yesssss. I feel so composed and comfortable in this instance. No rap music. My upstairs neighbors aren't having sex. To do's were taken care of yesterday... I love it. This is the same feeling I used to get while laying on the beach by my apartment in LA. Looking back on that time is like remembering serenity. I was my own woman, 3000 miles away from home with no obligations, learning me. Does it get any better?

I'm a mesh of a city fashionista and a tree hugger. I don't think people understand the passion I have for a cold, rainy breeze on my face in the morning. Nature does things to me that are inexplicable. I totally understand how white people love running through the cold streets at 7am. Not that I would do that myself (as I hate running), but I get it! Their pink cheeks flush with the stiffness of the cold air. So refreshing, I imagine! You can't help but to have an enlightened, energetic day after that. That's the kind of stuff that makes you feel good. Now something I do want to do is hike. My predominately white, grade school built up an appreciation in me for hiking. For some reason, on every field trip we took, we were hiking. (shaking my head at white people) I think I might have the opportunity to hike on our upcoming Puerto Rico trip, but since we're only there for four days and three nights (and will have a limit on our excursion spending), I'm torn between the 'Shopping in San Juan and Condado' excursion and the 'El Yunque National Rainforest Tour'. They also have an 'ATV Low-Lands Rainforest Adventure' though. I rode ATVs through Mexico some years ago and had the most fun I've ever had in my life. No lie.

Speaking of nature, my hairdresser that I go to when I have a weave, put this astringent on my scalp called Sea Breeze. When she first started spraying, the scent was so familiar. It reminded me of my mother. Sure enough, it was the same astringent mom used on her face when we were young. But this stuff in my hair.... I LOVE it! The makers of this product couldn't have named it better because every time I swish my newly fresh tresses, I get this clean, airy breeze that is outstanding! Not to mention I love the smell. I wonder if I can use this on my hair all the time or only for when I have weaves. Mmm. Smell the breeze....

I don't want to move from this space. I could write all day, right here. This is peace.

An Orchestra Cover of Kanye West's "All Of The Lights"

Gives me goosebumps. This song is so epic.

Crying over love

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I can't stop thinking about and crying over the love I have for my husband. It's like I'm having a delayed response to our wedding day or something. I've been married for nine months, yet I feel completely overwhelmed with my appreciation for him. It's not that he's done anything extra lately, however I do think that he's grown leaps and bounds since we joined forces. He's grown into the man that I never imagined I would have all to myself. He is so gentle and caring with me. He says the right things and takes me into consideration with every single decision. I know that this is what he's SUPPOSED to do, but I am still in amazement with his tenderness. I've never felt like this before.

I've written plenty of blog posts in the past few years about what I wanted in a man. I've written poems, lists, copied lyrics, etc...and today I can honestly say that all of the desires I put to paper (or to the computer screen) have come true. Jehovah has truly truly blessed me.

I wish for all the women in the world to experience what I feel. I think that's why I'm such a romantic. I watch 'The Bachelor' and other shows like it, all the while rooting intensely for romantic connections and heartfelt moments. Every female (and every man) deserves to be appreciated and loved. It's everyone's right!

So this is dedicated to love and the man who I feel like was made especially for me. I am truly stuck in amazement.

Read With Me

source: vogue.com

I don't read much as I spend most of my time reading the Bible and Bible literature, but I have a desire to get back into books. I teetered on the idea of getting a Kindle or e-Reader, but I don't think I want one of those. I'm an old school reader. I like books. I like the look, smell and feel of them. I like to write in them, earmark them and pass them on. While I like the library, I prefer to keep books. I'm really looking forward to building a library once I have a room to do so.

Well anyway, can we read the top book pictured above? Ariel Sabar's Heart of the City: Nine Stories of Love and Serendipity on the Streets of New York. Doesn't that just sound like a glow? I don't know how 'glow' sounds, but if it had one, that's what I would use to describe what I hope this book is. If anyone picks it up before me, let me know how it is!

Fashion Accessories: Statements

These necklaces from Chicos.com make me want to join a tribe but a rather feminine, prissy one. I'm in love.

Happy New Month

source: oprah.com

Welcome to February. My January was interesting. It was definitely a month about new beginnings. I'm not complaining though. I like starting out fresh with a new year, whether the change is forced or not.

I'm in a good place. I'm emotionally happy and in a pattern of invention. I'm writing more, exercising my brain, keeping busy, trying new things...namely a red burgundy weave. =O  It's going to take me a minute to get used to it, but you only life once so... I do remember why I hate weaves though. My head has been itching me since. I'm already looking forward to my summer time, fresh, short do. As for the writing though, I really want to challenge myself to get more intelligent with it. I want to be inspirational and insightful, not always just writing about insignificant things. I'm still going to allow myself to write insignificant things because I'd hate to be censored, but now that I'm calm in life, there doesn't seem much to write about. I want to change that by diving a little deeper. Drama and friction usually inspires the most creativity. Or does it?

I had a job interview a few days ago. It was the perfect interview...until 5 minutes prior to the end when the CFO announced that they run late hours. I'm talking 9:30, 10:00pm late. I almost peed in my pencil skirt. If they call me back, I'm going to have to have myself prepared. Depending on how badly they want me, sacrifice and choice will be the name of the game. What are they expecting me to sacrifice and what choices are they willing to give me? If I'm required to sacrifice my hours at home are they willing to compensate me appropriately? If they are interesting in bringing me on board, do I have the choice to telework and decide the work schedule that works best for me? This is not to say that I'll accept the position, but I'd want to see what the lay of the land looks like before I walk away. Negotiations. I have more guts than I used to as well. I'm not afraid to be a business woman with demands. I'm looking forward to seeing how this finishes.

My goal this month is to get back into music. I miss it greatly and I need the inspiration from it. Not having the circumstances to put earphones in my ears or in my car stereo for extended periods of time limits me. I haven't been able to live inside the music which leaves me with a less than genuine connection with it. I haven't learned the words to a song in forever. I'm interested in traveling into the sounds of Duffy. She's playing in the background as I type so I must get on that and steal her album from my husband's library.

We've been thinking about having children. I know I know. I even hate to hear myself say that since I was so adamant about not having them. But the key word in that sentence is 'thinking'. We've tabled the discussion however until we're in a place to begin to consider the pitter patter. Having a child in this hole of a place is not an option. There are a couple of other things we need to get out of the way first, but I'm also aware that plans don't mean squat. At this point, whatever happens happens.

So here's to new Beginnings.

Music Video: Andreya Triana

Winter Needs Color

My Success

I'm watching OWN. In particular, Oprah presents Master Class: Jay-Z. I guess what Oprah said about creating a network that inspires people is really working out because as Jay-Z talks about life, and more specifically successes and failures, I can't help but to think about my own life.

As you may know, I'm jobless at the moment. The idea of only getting out of something what you put in is kinda getting on my nerves, because I honestly don't want to put a whole lot into this job search thing. Am I lazy? Umm... Well, let's put it like this. Since I started 5th grade at The Potomac School in McLean, VA, I have been working my BUTT off. I'm talking blood, sweat and tears. I've been on this path of excellence...top notch schools, top competing dance companies, being pushed to do public speaking engagements in front of political figures at the age of 16, forcing my brain to figure out calculus 2 math that I know I was never going to get and then going to tutoring sessions on my break so as to not 'give up'... My childhood and teenage years were hard. Very hard. I was always struggling to persevere. At this point in my life, I don't won't to be forced. I don't want to push until blood, sweat and tears fall. I want something more natural.

I was pushed at the right time though. During a person's informative years, s/he should be pushed. That kind of forced direction builds a foundation that I am thankful for. I'm glad that I have the skills and knowledge that I have. I wouldn't be who I am without those tools.

But anyway, Jay-Z's master class made me realize what I've been struggling with... The fact of the matter is that I am jobless, and if I tune into what I've heard all my life, being jobless directly contradicts the idea not wanting to push. To be honest, I don't even want 'that' job that I've been educated to do. But since I have no choice (or do I?), is the only way I'll get a job that fits me if I exert myself vigorously? Jay-Z said that when he was writing rhymes at the kitchen table, it came easy to him. So since his mother told him that you get out of life what you put in, he believed that nothing would come from rhyming. It was too easy. He wasn't putting much into it, so a rap career wasn't feasible. It was too natural. Now, that's what I'd like to touch into. And I say that with all passions of passion. Meditating on that concept... I think that's why I find Jay-Z to be an extraordinary man. Not only did he have the intelligence to let his natural talents work for him, but he stays true to himself in the game of push and shove. But look at Jay. He's not a lazy man. He works. He creates. He thinks. He has drive. So maybe it's true. You can only be successful if you put in work. Maybe laziness is not an option. But is that what I am?!


"Failure is a great teacher, and if you're open to it, every mistake has a lesson." - Oprah
"I've learned more from failures than successes." - Jay-Z
"The worst thing you can do is be as successful as someone else. That's draining." - Jay-Z
"You can have success, but to maintain success is another thing." - Jay-Z

These quotes are getting me to thinking... What are my failures? I don't think I can itemize them, but what I can do is say that anytime I haven't been passionate about something, it hasn't worked so well for me. Oprah said that the point she really liked was when Jay-Z spoke about "learning from his failures and no longer chasing success, but following his truth." She pointed out how that's a lesson for all of us. Find your own truth and follow it. I love that. And as of today, that is my mission. To find my own truth and follow it.

My success isn't the same as my husbands. He feels success with a promotion, not to mention that men feel successful when they are able to take care of their families. My success isn't the same as a mom who once said that her children are her success. I don't have children, so I wouldn't know anything about that. But the thing that those people have is that specific feeling of success. I know I'm successful because of my blessings. My family, this roof over my head, the ability to be jobless and still be comfortable. In that way, I feel successful. I didn't ignore counsel and marry a man who didn't love Jehovah. I didn't drop out of school and run away like I once thought of doing. I avoided drugs, stealing and stripping. Hence, I'm successful. But I still don't have that defined success that I'm looking for. What I need now is depth of clarity. Jay's master class advises us to follow our own instincts for what is true to us individually. So what is true to me?

What am I passionate about? Ummmmmm. *crickets* If I were to ask someone else, they would say music, dance, writing, photography... But my thing is if I were really passionate about those things, wouldn't I do them more often? Or maybe (here we go again), I'm just lazy. Ugh. I'm learning that there's a fine line between laziness and being true to who you are. So it looks as if I have an action item. Walk that fine line, and find my balance. To be continued...

I think Jay's quote sums it up the best for me. "Be true to yourself. It sounds like a simple thing to do but it's not. You have all these pressures to succeed and then to stay there. I'm trying to find that truth and tap into something really important, as well as have fun. It's not always about the responsibility of being great every single second. Sometimes I just wanna be silly. Sometimes I just want to be wrong. Sometimes I wanna be provocative and push buttons." - Jay-Z

About Nothing In Particular

I'm laying in bed listening to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Sometimes it feels good to lay in the bed at odd hours. I got into some meditation like I promised myself and ended up dozing off. I guess I did it right. My eyes have been hurting me though, which is why I'm in my bedroom laying in the dark in the first place. MJ is out in the living room watching tv. Even though I am obsessed with being around that man, it's nice to have our own thing going on at times.

So, I applied to 6 jobs last week. I'm not applying to just anything anymore. I'm being very specific with my applications. The next company I work with has to fit my needs just as much as I have to fit theirs. Tomorrow I'll dive into the hunt again. The unemployment lady said I should get some money by Wednesday. That will be ideal because I am all spent out. I got a little happy and bought myself a few things late last week. I haven't shopped in a while so I'm excited about my online purchases.

I had a good weekend. Friday night, I had a little girl's night out dinner which was fun. Sometimes you need a little estrogen charged talk. Saturday, MJ's best friend and his wife came in town. It's interesting to see MJ with his best friend. I learned a lot about him. We had a nice dinner and caught the Little Fockers movie. Yesterday, we were invited over a friend's house to play games and have dinner with a group of young married people. I had a lot of fun, even though the husbands won the men vs women Guesstures game. It's really nice to have a social life every now and then. I'm itching to put on a party dress and actually go out to a lounge. I haven't put a dress on that wasn't for religious reasons in a very long time.

My parents seem to be doing well in Huntsville. I don't miss them yet. I wonder how long it will take for me to feel the void. I should plan a trip down there. But my mother will be up here in no time for Pooh's graduation among other things, so I'm not sure if I should just yet.

I need to get back into my Zumba class. That was a lot of fun. The profuse sweating is an issue though. I'm getting really tired of doing my own hair, but I suppose now is the not the time to go back to regular hair appointments. I want to get a half weave so bad, cover up my neck a bit in these cold days. I'm ready for a change. I've avoided getting a haircut for the purpose of this planned weave, but if I can't swing it, I need a haircut stat! When you have a short cut, it has to stay short and sharp. There is no middle ground or you end up looking like you have a mushroom head. I have an appointment for the 22nd, so I'm wait to see what these unemployment funds look like before I cancel. I really hope I can swing it. Maintenance is an issue as well. I can't do my own hair with a weave... We'll see.

Alright. Family worship time. Later.

Of him.

Sometimes I don't think he sees me the way I see him. I can stare at him for hours. I can watch his hand as it touches the handle of a pot. I can watch his back muscle flex as he reaches up high to adjust the shower head. I can watch his toes grip his flip flops as he walks around the house. Shoot. I can watch stubble grow on his face. I never get tired of watching him. I notice everything. His veins, his fingernails. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm appreciative. Of him.

Unemployed Thoughts

I'm refreshed. I wasn't at first. The news hit me hard and wounded my pride. But this is the first time I've not had a job and had no worries. No stress. When I was let go, I said that I felt like Jehovah wasn't protecting me. But actually, as Satan chopped me off at the knees, Jehovah spread out the net and caught me.

I think I'm going to get back into the art of meditation. My mind hates me, and I need a way to battle it. Meditation is the one answer I have. Silent time to clear my mind. I don't know why I can't get it to stop running. From one thought to the next, my mind zooms me into deep corners and dark crannies. My mind hates me, and I hate it. It's too powerful, but I want to learn to control it. I want to have power over my mind. It's of no use when it convinces me that my God doesn't love me.


Now that I'm unemployed (again), I want to do things on my time. I'm not sure if that's agreeable with my husband, but I don't want to feel an ounce of stress. I want to do what I want to do this time around. If I want to go out in the ministry, I'll go out. If I want to sit in the movies, I will. If I want to go hard and sweat it out in the gym, I will. If I want to push myself into exhaustion while applying for jobs, I will. But I want to do it all on my time. Sometimes I wish people (or rather, my family) were just as proud of me for taking a day off as they are when I go out into the ministry, apply for jobs and cook dinner. Why does everyone want everyone to work all of the time? I guess if they're doing it, they want you to do it too.


I'm discovering the sounds of Bossa Nova. And I love it. There's so much music all around the world and I'm over here in America stuck listening to Trey Songs. That's a catastrophe. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't have my appreciation for diverse music. But I don't want to walk around with headphones on all the time so sometimes I have to force myself to put me first. When it comes to him, that's not natural. I remember growing up in a household full of diverse music. Jazz, African, World, International... I loved when my dad put on Deep Forest. Our house turned into a distant, aboriginal rain forest. There are so many sounds to explore. Diverse music feeds creativity.

Fin.

Torment

I've been having a really hard time in life lately. There are so many issues that I could speak on (but thank God none of them have to do with my marriage), but what they all merge to is the fact that I'm not being who I know I should be. Instead, I'm being angry. When I'm at work surrounded by general stupidity, I'm angry. When I'm at the hall and I'm getting yet another correction by way of the Watchtower or whatever else we're studying, I'm angry. When I think about my sister, I'm angry. And then when I'm angry, I just end up being mean. My co-workers come up to me, and I'm cold. They ask me to do something and I do it like they're bothering me. When I see my sis tonight, I already know that I'm going to sit there quietly to avoid saying or being disrespectful to her. Every fiber in my body is angry. Anytime that I read anything spiritual and see the 10,000 things that I am not, I feel like tossing it in the trash. But I don't. I just close it and put it away. Truth be told, that's no better.

So I don't feel like studying. I don't feel like chit chatting. I don't feel like laughing at your joke. I don't care about your office supplies or what you did over the weekend. Miss me with that.

I know this is not how I'm supposed to be. And that's what's killing me the most. It's tormenting me.

Somebody pray for me. I need relief quick.

Lessons Lessons Lessons

I've been hit over the head twice in one day in what I would call life-altering moments. As normal, my job ignited an anger in me that shouldn't have been lit. My boss was uncaring, unapproachable and rude when I tried to express the frustration that we feel when policies change from week to week. He made me feel small and stupid when I am anything but. I had a legitimate concern (what kind of company changes their policies to fit their feelings for the week) and he brushed me off. I can't explain the feeling that overcame me. My chest was filled with heat and I was ready to make him feel really dumb. But no sooner than when I started to formulate my response, I got a text message from my husband...

Ashanti said it in her song. "One day you're here and then you're gone." The sudden and unexpected death of my husband's friend straightened me out. As hearts were breaking and tears were pouring, nothing was more important than love and comfort at that moment. Out of all the deaths I've heard about over the past year, this one was the one that hit me the hardest. Not just because TJ was so close to my husband, but because I too had a brief but personal relationship with him. As he sat in my living room chair laughing and joking around, I would have never guessed that would be the last time I saw him.

So my two lessons? 1) There's no time for nonsense in this life. Life is too short for anger and contentions. Make it known how much you care for and love the people who are closest to you. Tomorrow they might not be here. While grief and mourning is very hard, the promise of the resurrection and paradise are more real to me than ever before. I am so so thankful that Jehovah has given us this relief. Without it, I would be a complete and utter mess. 2) Jesus was the best example of mildness. Under the worst of situations, Jesus maintained control at all times. He was wise and had an understanding of the injustices of this world as well as the goal and reward that laid before him. Fact: This job is unjust. So what will I do about it? The same thing Jesus would do. Be mild. "Behind the gentleness there is the strength of steel." That quote is so powerful. Yesterday I was weak. Today I will be strong. I will yield.

As TC said, 2011 will be the year of professional relief for me. I will not only find a job, but find one that works with my personality and desires. I have been and will continue to pray for the perfect match. I do not want another temporary job that I need to run away from. I need to focus on the more important things like my relationship with my husband and my family and friends. Nothing is more important that family and friends.

The Happenings

I want to close my eyes and breathe in and out for a while. Do some simple meditation. Calm my whole body down and stop my heart from racing. The funk-jazz station on 22tracks.com is doing me well. It's giving me a slither of peace.



Things are cool though. As cool as they can be when there's a demon roaming around trying hard to break me. Satan is real.

Time to turn on my mini heater under the desk. I haven't really been affected by the cold yet. I remember my days in NY standing at the bus stop while the cold hawk cut at my face. Thank goodness for my car. I'm so hot by the time I step outside that the cold air is a relief. By the time the novelty of the cool air fades, my car's heat has kicked in. Nope, haven't felt the frigidness of the season yet.

Man. I am drained. I cried this morning about feeling like I need too much personal work. Sometimes ready the daily scripture makes me feel low. There's always something to work on, something that I'm not doing enough of. It gets overwhelming at times. I'm supposed to look at them as helpful reminders though. Hmm...

I'm going to make my mom's hot wings tonight. I just emailed her about the recipe. I wonder if she does anything else other than adding loads of hot sauce. I've been doing well with cooking, especially since I'm on my period. Ooooh. That's why I cried. Totally forgot to connect that.

I'm about over this female. I keep trying to reach out. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she must be pretty busy, at the same time, it's time for me to move on. LC has been a sweetheart lately. LH joined our congregation and lives close by. We should have some future good times I'm sure. Mom is thinking about getting the girls together. I'm looking forward to being with the KW girls and TC and RH and 'em. Hopefully that'll come to fruition since my mom is leaving soon.

How do I feel about my parents leaving for Huntsville in less than 30 days? I'm not sure yet. I say that because while I know that my husband can never replace my parents, I'm wondering how less of a shock it will be because I have him. I'll definitely notice that I can't run to 2001 anymore. The only house that I've known of will be someone elses. That's strange. Good thing Huntsville is an hour and half away by plane. The issue is that I never plan when I'm going to see my parents. I just see them. Whenever I need to. Now I have to plan. Eww.

Last Sunday, I had a great time at SO's house. That was the best Sunday afternoon/evening gathering that I've ever been to. We played games, had grown folk discussions, ate, watched football, joked around. It was laid back and easy. I was most thankful for the discussion we had about marriage and kids. Only one couple there had children so we basically interviewed them on the joys of having kids....cuz we all know the disavantages. They really gave me some profound insight. From what your kids give you to home schooling to varying methods of parenting. I can't say that I've changed my mind about having kids, but I am less fearful. To know that there are options, methods and ways to do it so that you don't have to live in fear was freeing. To be honest, I wish this world would hurry up and end so that I can have kids in a perfect new world...if I make it. I want kids, just not like this.

I prayed today that my job applications that are out there will return with fruit. I'm tired of OCI. I need a job that suits my personality and my spirituality. Sitting next to the most cursing-est man in the office kills my peace. I've asked him to curtail, but I don't think he cares. Either that or it's so engrained in him that he doesn't even know the difference. I also don't want to be with a company that doesn't pay its bills or who gives me a paychek that bounces. I'm tired of waiting for my boss to pay the bill so that I can make a phone call. It's quite trifling. Trifling, ghetto, black people trying to get over and make a dollar. Nope. This is not me. I want a 9 to 5 where the people are nice and they do the work that they're supposed to do. Oh and that has a work-life balance culture. Can't forget that.

My sis called me for the first time since our blow out on Tuesday. I texted her the week before and it was tense as it surrounded her Bible study. She called to ask for ideas on venues for a going away party. Like I told my dad, Pooh and I do business well and that's about it. We're two very different people who don't really understand each other. Everyone is praying about our relationship so I know it'll get better. When is the question... I'm supposed to write something to her, but I don't even know what to say. What is there to say?

I watched a couple of dance videos today and got sad. I can only exercise in warm weather. Leaving gyms and studios with perspiration on my person in the winter is a no no for me. I guess I could do my NYCBallet DVD at home. That's what I'll do. I want my flexibility back. Mondays and Wednesdays...

Shopping...I want to but I can't. I'm trying to give a bit more. End of story.

Have a good day everyone.

The Best Love Moments

Do you know where the best love moments are? In perfume and diamond commercials! Especially French commercials. These things make me want to fall in love all over again. One of these makes me want to shed a tear. Guess which one.

Mood: So Freakin Irritated

These people at work are pissing me off. How you gon' blame me when the person who said they were going to cover the other desk (not even my desk), has to go to a meeting and asks you to cover? Seriously? You were originally contracted to sit at the desk whenever we were scheduled to be out! And now that you've been hired permanently as office manager, you're going to say it's unacceptable for you to have to sit at the desk? AND you've only been here for 2 weeks. OMG. Some people's heads are just too big.

I'm losing my mind. I just can't tolerate stupidity. And it's not even right for me to feel so out of control right now, but I just can't take it! I have no respect for this office. Now everything that I've learned is telling me to do my job to the best of my ability, to represent Jehovah in all that I do, to leave the place feeling refreshed and unloaded as a result of my work... but I just do not care! The only thing that's keeping me in check is the fact that I don't want to get fired. I wish I could channel the calm person in me...reach her somehow so as to not be affected by the stupidity, but that person of peace dies everytime I step in this office suite.

I'm Not Right

I wish I wouldn't have sold my tickets. Now that our deal fell through, which I'm not surprised it did, we're supposed to save our pennies to become as liquid as possible. But I don't think that's going to happen. It didn't take us but a week to dip into the pot we already saved after we got the negative word. It's hard to save when you have no specific goal in mind. Thus, I feel it was a bad idea to let go of the formal. Not so much because it's a formal, but because we were going with a couple that I really wanted to get to know. I don't think that door will open again any time soon. Why is it so hard for married couples to get together? Single people seem to have no problem hooking up on a random Wednesday night. Married folks seem to need all this planning and whatnot to do things, me included. Makes me think about how spontaneous JennWill was (or is?). I should plan something but I have no idea what to plan. I don't want to cook and I am supposedly saving.

I can't stand cliques. But the truth is that I want to be in one. I want to be in one so that I can open it wide up and welcome individuals that have never been welcomed before.

I'm appreciative of my life. My husband is good to me. My parents are healthy and close by. I have a good amount of shoes. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. So why am I not ecstatic? I feel like I'm missing something on the spiritual side. Is Jah's holy spirit leaving me? I feel restless and disorderly. I'm not connected and in cahoots like I used to be. I feel myself fading. This is not good. I think it has something to do with my attention span. When I'm reading the Bible or studying, I can hardly focus or get the full meaning of things... I don't know what's going on with me.

Be right back.

Okay. I just took a quick trip to drop of the tickets to TNC. I feel better now. Engaged in some girl talk and now I feel re-charged. I'm really sad though that we're not going. Ugh! I think I need a nap before we have our family worship.

Later

Official Girl - Cassie

I was describing what it is about this song/video that keeps me going back to it after so many years, and I finally know why... Cassie is so subtly tough, sexy and cool at the same time while standing her ground... Emotional but not sweatin it too hard because she knows she'll be just fine... I love that combo. Cassie may not be the best entertainer/singer, but she has a quiet and calm IT factor that makes you watch her.

Cassie - Official Girl Ft. Lil Wayne
- Watch more Music Videos at Vodpod.

Irritated, Annoyed And Whatever Else

It's not a good day today. I've already got on the people who have come through the front door without their badges. Normally I would hold it in, but today is not the day. There's something going on inside of me that I haven't yet been able to figure out, so I'm kinda taking it out on other people. I'm just in no mood for nonsense. If you're supposed to use your badge for entry, use it. Don't take advantage of the fact that I can give you access to the office. It's not my job to pick you up when you slack.

Anyway, this is not about badges or office entry. As I said, there's a real issue here that's bothering me that I'm too worried about speaking up on. As I mentioned last time, I'm studying the Bible with my sister. But I really don't know why she chose me because our relationship is so complicated. And when it's complicated, it doesn't make it any easier to sit down and have me assist her on ways to develop a relationship with God. I can't even get my own relationship with her right. It's just so convoluted and I tense up about it every time I think about it. I'm actually quite tired of how issues with my sister affect me. It's like they grip the very person of me and hold me in some sort of prison. I hate that. I wish I could not care.

Check In

Morning world,

How are you guys doing out there? I realize it's been a minute since I wrote a post of substance. Things haven't really been busy either. I'm just as bored at my 9 to 5 as ever. I spend most of my time watching tv and movies at this desk in order to fill this career void. It's the pits. This was the perfect position when I was falling apart during wedding planning days, but now... all I can say is 'kill me now'. Other than that, things are good. I'm as happy as can possibly be in my marriage. Things are going so well it's unbelievable. As time goes on, we get closer and closer. We're on the same letter of the same sentence of the same page. On Sunday, we wrote love letters to each other with us being at our half a year mark. He said that I was his sun, moon and stars. *Beaming* He knows just how to get me. And can I say that I can't stop staring at the man? I see him every single day and still can't get enough. Didn't know that it could be this way.

I was trying not to talk about this until it happens but... Well maybe I should keep it to myself until the deal is sealed. But ladies and gentlemen, hubby and I are working on something big! We pray everyday that things go our way. We're hoping that Jehovah steps in on our behalf and steers things in a favorable direction. Once everything is signed, sealed and delivered, I'll make the grand announcement. I feel if I say too much or get my hopes up too high, I'll be disappointed. I know that's taboo talk, but I just can't take any chances!

My sister asked for a Bible study, so I've been studying with her for the past 2 weeks. Initially I was anxious out of my mind. Firstly, Pooh is not the type of person to listen to me. She has her own way of doing things and really can't understand why I am the way I am. (At least that's what I believe.) Secondly, she's a hard one to reason with. Well not really hard, but she challenges everything, and if you know me, you know that I don't have the stamina to drill anything. I'd rather agree to disagree and walk away then expend energy trying to get someone to understand a point. Thirdly, I'm not sure I have the teaching skills needed to get someone to rekindle their love for Jehovah. That's a serious thing and I'm not so sure of my abilities. But I decided not to worry about it. I pray for holy spirit constantly so if it's Jehovah's will, my sis will be reached. I take to heart James 4:8 that says that Jehovah draws close to those drawing close to Him. Pooh is making the effort, so I know Jehovah will reach back to her no matter how far away she may be. I'm looking forward to seeing my sister in cohorts with God again. Maybe then I won't be so strange and foreign to her.

I need to get back into the exercise circuit because I can feel my body getting a little thicker. My pants are slightly tight in the hip and butt area. I'm okay with it for now, but I need to make sure I don't bust out of those pants. I really can't afford new clothes. Zumba was doing my body good so I'm going to get back into it. I promise.

Hubby is having some back, knee and foot issues. He took the day off to handle some appointments for that big deal we're working on so hopefully he can get into the doctor today as well. I can't be having no 26 year old broke down husband. That's just ridiculous. As a matter of fact, he needs to get a full body test. I need me a superman right now. He can break down in his 60's or 70's but definitely not now. If he needs surgery, we need to do it that asap. They say in sickness and in health so I'm giving him the opportunity to be sick and healed NOW. I won't be so lenient and understanding in his 30's if these issues are still around. You hear me? I'm serious.

My parents put the house on the market. I've been in the house for 23 years. I can't imagine them not being there anymore but they're ready to move to Huntsville so I pray for their sakes that someone buys the place. I won't be too ecstatic about them leaving, but changes happen. It's a good thing flights to Huntsville are so quick and inexpensive.

I'm so sick of this District Bride Guide blog. I can't wait until December when my contract is up. The only way I would continue writing for it is if I were getting paid. But since I doubt that'll happen, it's time for me to move on. I've been with this blog for 7 months now. I'm done.

We're commenting again at the meetings and I like it. I never want to lose that privilege again. Our circuit overseer's visit is this week so I'm looking forward to the added spiritual impact. That reminds me, I need to invite TC... Ok, that's done. I wonder how she's doing. I haven't heard much more than a peep from her lately. How you doing Tip?! But back to what I was saying...it's going to be a good spiritual week. My field service time is up quite a bit. Better than it's ever been. Last month, I had 16 hours. I'm going to try to stay there on average for the year. We'll see how that goes in these next few winter months though. Anyway, things are going well spiritually.

I'm looking forward to my family coming down during our days off for the holiday. MJ's fam is getting together too so I'll be doing the in-law, my family split. Gotta fit both in!

Oooh! Prince just came on. I really want to see him in concert but he's only going to be in the New York area for a few shows. I looked up tickets for the 25th and it looks sold out to the general public. I'm sure there are lots of special offer/gold package/contest winner seats available but I don't feel like hunting for special codes and deals. I'd prefer to go on the 18th but we'll be at a formal in Charlotte. I'm really looking forward to the jazz formal. We're going with some mutual friends that we once had over for a football game so it should be fun. I need to start looking for some shoes to go with this rich, deep, cobalt, velvet dress I'm 5 seconds from getting. It's short though. I don't mind being different, but if I decide against it, there's a long Ports 1951 black gown that I have my eye on. Speaking of long, my goal this season is to get some new floor length skirts for every day wear. I hate tights so I'm trying to keep my legs warm using an alternative route. If I have any extra money, that's what I'll buy next.

Anyway, there's your update! I'm going to try to write more so be on the lookout. Have a nice week everyone.

JJ

Government

The government hates me. I promise you it does. I know it does. I've applied to over a dozen jobs since my work life started and every single time, I am rejected. How many "qualified but not referred" messages can you send me? Why not just say on the application, "JJ. This note is for you. Do NOT apply because we will reject you anyway." Government applications are by no means simple or easy. It takes time, energy and brain power to apply to a position. It's almost like applying for college. So with all my time and energy wasted...I'm over this b.s. MAYBE I'll give them the time of day sometime in the future, but right now, I'm done. I need some time to heal from all the rejection.

Another Day...

...another dollar. Sigh.

The only thing I enjoy about Mondays is my husband's and my family worship. I'm not sure what's happening to me but any opportunity that I have to lay up under that man and talk, I run for it like a fat kid running for cake. It's so odd to be this into him. *cue SWV's "I'm So Into You"* But whatever, he's my husband so I guess it's all good. Let me take the pride off.

I've been thinking a lot about the love movies and romantic comedies that I savor and how they compare to my life. If you know me, you are aware of the fact that sometimes I live my life according to movies. Is that wrong? Yes. But nevertheless, I do it. Sue me. =) So, in all this thinking, I came to the conclustion that my life is actually a love movie. Granted it's not as over the top as what you may see on the big screen, but I think you could very well take some film of us and use it as one of the frames in a movie about love. I usually spend so much time comparing myself to other fictional relationships that I fail to look at my own from the outside and see it for what it's really worth. But since I've taken a moment to do so, I can honestly say that I'm living a fantasy. That's not to say that we don't get into it though. Whenever we argue, my husband acts like it's the worst thing ever, which I guess is good. He's extremely serious about fixing us up while I'm over here just taking my time waiting for time to heal the issue. I don't think a day is a long time to not speak. I NEED a day when we're upset with each other, but again, it's the worst thing ever to him. But hunny bunny (he hates it when I call him that) is getting great at diffusing my defenses. The last time we fought, he came home with a dozen roses and a card that asked if we can start over again. I was already getting weak while reading the message on the front, so when I opened it and saw that he wrote a message in the card where some of the letters backwards like a kingdergardener would, all in crayon, it was over. It was so innocent and defenseless. The man had me balling like a baby. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the evening under him - the safest place in the world. I am in the healthiest and most functional relationship in my life. And because we have Jehovah as the third cord, the relationship is super strong. I couldn't ask for a better life.

Management Analyst for the Office of the Chief Financial Officer. That's the job I want. That's the job I need. I'm extremely qualified. I'm ready to step back up to the plate. And I'm excited about the position. I won't get paid as much as I used to working for Essence Magazine or The Washington Post, but I'll take it. There's no reason why I shouldn't get this job unless there's someone else out there that's a Microsoft Access expert. That's the only bullet point that I couldn't give myself a top rating in. If used it, but I've never developed it on my own. Drat! I really want that job. If you're reading this, can you please say a silent prayer for me right now? Thanks.

Recently I've been reading some of the blogs and excerpts and campaigns and controversies going on in the internet world. Why are there so many?! No Women No Womb, The Mean Girls of Morehouse, Kim Kardashian naked on W Magazine, the Black Marriage Negotations video, Bishop Eddie Long... What is going on?! Why are there so many issues and fights!? So what that some women decided they would rather be married than have a baby daddy or two. Yes, there are gay flamboyant men at Morehouse. Did you think this would never happen when our world is becoming increasingly gay? Why are you surprised? I've come to the conclusion that every just wants to fight. As soon as you state your opinion, no sooner is there some around the corner who wants to disagree with your OPINION just to disagree. And I hear that twitter is just a platform for fighting as well. Why are you screaming UNFOLLOW and BLOCK at each other? (Stolen from Black Snob. I love that. Hilarious!) How dumb is all of this? Before you know it, some angry, crazy, smart, techy person is going to blow up the internet just to stop people from writing things that he disagrees with. It's out of hand. Simply out of control. I'm trying to figure out where the line is between keeping up with the times and minding my own business. I like reading others blogs, but if I'm not in the know, I might as well be reading in Mandarin. I guess that's why I never comment on blogs full of opinions. Unless someone is blatantly ignorant of God's will/laws and I can afford an extra 15 minutes to minister, I'll keep to myself. No use in speaking unless I'm going to shut it down with facts that come from the Bible. With as many professed Christians as there are around here, you can't really argue with that. But if people were speak Bible facts, the drama would end. And who wants that?! Smh.

Anyway, back to me. What else is going on? Oh. I've been meeting and making acquaintances with a lot of new people lately. Most of them are married couples actually, which has been quite nice. I really enjoy having them in my rolodex and plan to do some fun things with them in the future. It's nice to know there are people I can go to a Jazz Formal with (December in Charlotte, NC!), but also go out in the ministry with and talk seriously about our thoughts on ministering in another country seeing as though were are without children. I was talking to 3 of my male co-workers at once about my lack of luster for children. I tried to explain that I wanted to be free to do things that are important to me and my relationship with Jehovah, but they didn't understand. Oh well. At least I know those who do.

MJ just texted me asking me how my head was feeling since I've had a constant headache for two days now. I told him that was sweet and he asked if it was romantic enough. LOL. My man is learning! He puts a smile on my face. Well, my headache is actually starting to come back so, let me see how long I can put my head down without an interruption.

Ciao!

Black Marriage Negotiations

So true!

Rihanna - "Only Girl (In The World)"

This chorus rips through my heart. I indentify with it 100%. This is the type of chorus that I can close my eyes and scream into the universe and never get tired of repeating. Just like Ri Ri does on top of the mountain here! I always need to feel like this girl.

Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world…
Like I’m the only one that’s in command
Cuz I’m the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man


Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only one…



The video is stupidly refreshing for a Ri Ri video. I can breathe in this one.

Keri Hilson - "Breaking Point" Video

Yeeesss! This video is the business! Every woman has a breaking point ya'll! I can't wait for Keri's new CD!



For more leaked Keri songs, click here!

Stupid Twitter

I joined twitter recently, and I think I hate it. sigh.

I must be getting old. Everytime I check my twitter timeline, I get annoyed. Scrolling through post after post after post that says "Love ya!", "Cool!", "You betcha!", "OMG", "So true!" or something of the like leaves me feeling stupified. I'm pretty sure brain cells are dying as I read. There's nothing of substance on that thing! It's almost if I were sitting in a ballroom of valley girls who squeal "OMG, like, TOTALLY" over and over again. What's the point? I don't understand why anyone would wish that facebook would go away. It's so much more robust. Maybe I hate twitter because I don't tweet. I have literally nothing to say. But I'll keep my account as it appears to be the wave of the future. The older I get (and I'm only 27!), the more effort I have to put forth in staying with the times. sigh.

Adjustments

It's a ho hum kind of day. I think I missed the transition into fall. The rain and cold have invaded my territory. I can't believe the high is only 55 today. Nevertheless, I had a good weekend full of spiritual food. It's nice to get information that forces you to look at yourself and make changes that will put you in a better position for Jehovah's favor. Everyone needs a slap in the face every now and then to awaken from a state of comfort. The topic of materialism was huge. We received so many warnings that I would be foolish not to look at myself and apply the information. I must admit that I'm a little obsessed over fashion. Liking fashion in and of itself is not wrong, but it has to have the right priority in my life. I kinda need to be obsessed with my service to Jehovah before I become fixated on the fad of the season. I don't know how much of my thinking is given to fashion per day, but I know that I need to tailor it a bit. Or else I could end up crowding out what's most important. My attachment to material things will have a direct relationship to my survival through the great tribulation. How will I survive if I keep looking back at those new riding boots I just bought?

My action plan is to tailor how much time I focus on fashion. I get daily emails that point me towards something regarding fashion. I need to change those email preferences being that without those emails, I probably wouldn't look at it so much. While I also consider the text daily, I want to limit the attention I give towards fashion to once a week. That'll definitely give me more time to focus on my servitude. When I made my dedication to Jehovah, I vowed that I would live my life for him; that I would become His slave. I'm so glad that I received the warnings and that I'm taking steps the make the needed adjustment.

Marriage is going well. I really can't complain. We're in our 5th month and coming along quite nicely. I still like the man, so all is good! One of the main reasons why things are going so well is because of our weekly family worship. Taking time to discuss our issues, or whatever's on our minds, with the Bible is so helpful. For example, tonight we're going to review our notes from this weekend's assembly and figure out what changes we're going to make in order to draw closer to Jehovah. It's not a joke. The world, which Satan clearly has in his claws, is designed to tear us away from Jehovah. So we're going to work to combat that. They are too many distractions out here for us not to have a plan. So yeah, we're doing well. We're keeping Jehovah as that third cord, and it's proving to work! I am so happy to have MJ. I couldn't imagine being headed by anyone else. He's perfect for me.

Artist

Today is about artistry. It's all about the creative. I will go out on a limb and say that I'm an artist. I don't exercise the occupation as much as I should, but without creativity, I would be dead. Robotic normacy is dry. It's dag on near unlivable. I'm inspired by ones who put things together that are fresh. I like 'different'.

These thoughts came to my mind as I peeked over at Shannon Evans blog. A photographer and writer in Atlanta. I met her through a networking connection I made here at work. I'm really in love with her work, hence me reading her blog.

Anyway, she dropped a Bilal video on today's post that I'm so lost in. OMG. It's amazing. Check out Bilal's rendition of Bob Marley's "Is This Love". This is a man that I'm dying to see in concert. I saw him once when he performed at my college, but I need to see this man pronto. Anyway, I hope you like the video/song.

FULL SCREEN
The Sounds of VTech / bilal_isthislove_web

Kelly Again!! Forever And A Day

This girl is so cute that she's making me smile!

NY Fashion Week - Spring 2011

You'd have to be under a rock to not know that it's Fashion Week. Here are a few of my highlights for Spring 2011 so far.


Zac Posen - how adorable is this dress?! I love the shoes too!


Lela Rose - so perrttty.


Lela Rose - love the hair too.


Christian Siriano - who else thinks of a leather bolero!?


Christian Siriano - this is so me. that's sharp!


Christian Siriano - love it.


BCBGn - easy breezy... you see that mesh strip at the hem too? yes!

Here's the video of Christian Siriano's show. Be ready to be amazed!

Christian Siriano is amazing. From Project Runway to one of the most fabulous designers. Get it Christian!

How I'm Feeling - Lovin the Words To "Rose Colored Glasses"

For Colored Girls

Peep the trailor...

JoJo - In The Dark

Go 'head girl.

Reflecting: New Service Year

This month marks the beginning of a new service year... Sigh. Man on man, how times flies. And more than that, man oh man, how time changes. I kicked off my last service year by getting baptized. It was one of the happiest days of my life. But what ended up as a good jump start to my life as a spiritual woman, soon became troubled. I have gone through so much in this past year that I can't even begin to recount everything. There have been happy occasions but most of it, sorry to say, has been rough. But I choose not to dwell in the past. Instead, I'm looking forward to this new service year and all the opportunities that are coming up. I'm starting with a fresh slate and I'm ready to fill it up with positive things starting with my goals.

I'm not trying to list a whole bunch of goals here but the one I will mention is one I've been thinking about for a while. I want to serve Jehovah more wholeheartedly, despite what anyone else is doing. It's a lot easier to go hard when you're surrounded by people who likewise go hard, but that won't always be the case. Even when someone's feeling particularly lazy or unmotivated, I have to separate myself and maintain my spiritual identity. My identity is my own. No one else's. This goal is particularly important, especially in marriage. What my husband may seem to feel is enough for him, may not be enough for me. He's been serving Jah all his life. Not I. This is about me and Jehovah. So that's my number one goal for this service year - to serve Jehovah in the way that I know to be best for my needs and personality.

Considering my new role as wife, the other thing I want to focus on this service year is the use of Jehovah's holy spirit when it comes to prayer and the fruitages of the spirit. I don't think I pray enough. When things are challenging in marriage, prayer goes out the window for me and then I turn into a raving lunatic. For some increasingly odd reason, I choose to stay mad and say things that are not in the spirit of reconciliations. I say 'increasingly odd' because he's usually trying hard to fix the issue and get us back into a space of peace. It baffles me everytime we come out of something why I was so dag on crazy. That's so unproductive and I know that. So asking for Jehovah's holy spirit a bit more will do wonders, I'm sure. I also need to focus a bit more on the fruitages of the spirit. Goodness, mildness, self-control, long-suffering, joy, peace, love, kindness, and faith. I need to focus heavily on mildness and self-control for the times when things go wrong.

At the end of the day, I just want to be a good wife and a good minister/representative of Jehovah.

I wish we had an office because I want to put notes and thoughts up for me to remember on a board or the surrounding walls. Scriptures, inspiration, positive quotes, nice reminders... Something to help me out for this next year. I'm a visual person so seeing them will probably make a difference in my life. I'll come up with something in the meantime.

Off to another year... I'm praying for a good one.

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

Every woman has a breaking point ya'll.
I love this Keri Hilson song.
Can't wait til her album drops.
I'm feeling pretty good today.
I look fly too.
That always helps.
I'm looking forward to the long weekend.
Don't have anything extraordinary planned.
Just gonna drop in on a wedding down in VA.
I think I'm going to wear the same dress I wore to my meet & greet althought the bride saw it already.
I really can't be concerned.
That's the only dress I have for a wedding.
My hubby said we would be married before these two that are getting married this weekend.
He was right.
I never thought we were going to get married when we did.
There were so many struggles at that time.
So it's true.
I have too much time on my heads.
I dag on near hyper-ventilated yesterday thinking too hard.
Sitting around, reading articles and imagining relationship issues that we don't have.
The thing is that I like reading articles on stuff that relates to me.
Black female/male relationships.
But when I have too much time on my hands, I begin to internalize and take on stuff.
Anyway, I get paid today!
At least I SHOULD get paid today.
This joint is bootleg.
My gas light is on, so I NEEDS to get paid today.
I should be starting classes soon.
I wonder why PGCC hasn't sent me anything yet.
I almost forget I start classes in a minute.
OMG
I just spent a few minutes talking to one of the new girls here.
She just put me ON.
Check out her best friend's photography site.
http://www.sevanphotography.com/
This is so how I would do it!
I love strong beautiful A-American presence.
She's surely not afraid to be who she is.
I can already tell from the site.
Alright.
I'm officially inspired.
See what a few minutes of getting to know someone can do?
Yes!!!