Fall Fashion

Heavy Sweaters and Sweater Dresses







Jewel or Dark Toned Bags










Eccentric Tights





Heels with Laces or Jewel Tones









Riding Boots







What else?

the perfect rain/snow boot
stone heavy, gold and wooden jewelry
brown, green, or gold reading glasses
animal prints
pairing ebony and ivory

Am I missing anything? Add on please!

My Heart is Glowing

I just HAVE to share my girl's recent date with you. Unfortunately her suitor of the evening is not exactly her type, but nevertheless this experience is worth sharing. I tried to think of a creative way to present this, but our gchat conversation will have to do for now. Prepare to be amazed ladies and gentleman.

S: j.a.c, the date was amazing. details will come later, it's kinda long. i'll just say, very well put together. very thought out and good preparation. he gets an A++ for effort.

me: WoW! so are there more dates to come?

S: maybe. i'm still not that into him.

me: yeah... oh well. at least it was a nice experience. you have such a high bar now for dates to measure up to.

S: yes, very high. he planned an activity for us to do. it was so funny but so cute.

me: an activity?!

S: yes! with paper, markers, crayons and water color paint.

me: OMG! that's so fun!!! he brought all this stuff? and didn't have a car?!

S: 2 bags on his back!

me: what?! that's crazy! i've never! i'm like cheesing right now. see... it doesn't take much. crayons and a blanket lol

S: yep!

me: i have to write about this on the blog. extraordinary!

S: you can't write till you here the whole thing

me: ok i'll wait til Friday but i'm so excited

S: i'll prob tell u before then, but it is soooo cute

me: please do! i need to draft something soon so my excitement won't wear off lol

S: lol. ok. so he met me by my job and said not to ask where we were going. we took the 1 train to rector st and i was trying to figure out where the heck in manhattan we were. turns out we were in battery park so he's trying to find the actual park area and we head towards the water. talk about a great view. so we find a spot in the grass and he sets up. he spreads a rough blanket, then a soft one, and pulls out 2 pillows. i laugh like are we gonna lay down? and he says, no it's for out butts so they don't hurt

me: lol

S: then he pulls out an eating tray, puts out the strawberries with sugar, pineapples, grapes, cheese and crackers, and cocktail shrimp, which he sauteed himself then comes the plastic wine cups for our raspberry flavored welch's sparkling juice, nonalcoholic. i'm sitting on a legde smiling as i wait for him to finish. people walking by are looking and smiling at our setup, cuz of course it was so cute. now comes the ipod with 2 small speakers

me: shutup! oh my gosh! i'm smiling so hard that i'm tearing!

S: we sit, we eat, drink and talk about various things. after about an hour, we are done snacking. he says he has an activity for us to do. he pulls out the materials and says we have to draw each other and our first impresseions of one another. he thought i was too hardcore to want to do a picnic in the park

me: lol. i can see that.

S: so we draw for about 15 min, we had to sign and date it, and then present it. my drawing was wack because my artistic abilities are null and void. his was funny. we got to keep each others drawing, he wants to hang it on his wall. it looks like a 4 yr olds drawing. stick figure and all

me: LMBO

S: then he takes out a camera, and we stand by the ledge of the water facing the sun that's slowly going down. he takes a picture of me, with the sun in the background. very nice, skyline and all, then a lady takes one of the 2 of us. very nice. then he makes me sit and watch the sun fully set, though i have to pee so bad. after that, we clean up, pack up and head towards the train. i stop at the ritz carlton to pee and he walks me to my train. we hug, i thank him for a successful picnic and he said hopefully i'll see you again and i say yes. then we went our separate ways. how cute!

me: VERY cute! kudos to him! that was the best date i've ever heard of. i didn't even know that existed!

Now you KNOW that was the business! shrimp he sauteed himself?! water color paint?! so not only did he go to the grocery store, but he went to the back to school section in CVS as well! That man deserves a round of applause! He went HARD! I dare you to tell me that you've had a better date. Lol!

get over it

i still get that no so good feeling when weddings are mentioned. i met a young woman at dinner the other night who's getting married on 10/10/10. (we considering getting married on 8/8/08.) i was happy for her, but had to take a deep breath at the same time. malinda williams has been blogging on essence.com as she counts down to her wedding day. since today was her last blog before the big day this Saturday, i finally decided to check it out. i couldn't get through the whole thing before getting sad. i closed the window shortly after reading about her experience buying wedding bands. i found my wedding band, and remember the experience like it was yesterday. geez. i thought i would be over this by now.

Style Is Forever

My mind has been on fashion more than usual. In the past, I've usually worn whatever looks good on me, but lately, I've been studying fashion like it's my college major. I've been reading up on clean lines, fabric textures, the history of the stiletto, trend vs. style, etc. Head to toe fashion is suddenly becoming my art.


I love my wardrobe. This is the first time that I've liked every single piece of clothing that I own. When I moved to New York, I went through a huge purge and gave away all the items that I hadn't worn in a year or that I knew I wasn't going to wear again. I even gave up old pieces that I loved, but needed replacing.




Looking forward, I plan on cultivating more of my personal style. There are a couple of style staples on my mind that I'm looking forward to digging into. For instance, my hair. I love having short hair but there's something about my current haircut that is still not quite right. I'm looking for "the j.a.c.". There's 'the rihanna' and 'the jennifer (aniston)', 'the halle berry' and 'the katie holmes'. I need that crazy sick haircut that fits me perfectly. I think I need to go shorter. Once it's cut right, I'll know. My search continues.




While I search, I'm going to invest some time and money in accessories. My mom used to always say, if you can only afford one thing, buy an accessory. While shoes and bags are important, chunky necklaces with colorful stones, vintage earrings and graphic bangles/cuffs are next on my list. I'm sure there are loads of fantastic vintage/thrift stores in the city so I plan on using my upcoming Saturday to find them. I'm searching for the diamond in the rough!






With the fall around the corner, I'm also ready for a new scent. I can't STAND floral or fruity scents. Even when someone's around me who's wearing that disgusting fruity V.S. stuff, I want to puke. I am definitely not a fruity girl. I looking for something clean and light for the day time and spicy for the night. I'll probably stick with my Narcisco Rodriguez for nights, but my day time perfume will be something fresh. Someone recommended Acqua di Parma Blu Mediterraneo Mirto di Panarea (long name right?), so I'll probably add that to the list if the smell pleases me.







And finally, lipstick. I'm a little nervous about venturing into the land of matte, but I found a great guide in the InStyle Makeover that will help. At my age, I think it's time to get rid of shiny lips. I'm thinking about a nude like Rimmel London Lasting Finish in Birthday Suit or Prestige Satin Pearl in Diva. (I told you I've been studying!) And I've always wanted a sexy red pout. MAC's Russian Red looks like it could be perfect for me. Perhaps I'll get a MAC consultation after work tomorrow. That should be fun.








After all that's taken care of, I'll be ready to focus on my fall clothing list and check off the power suit, an oversized clutch, the perfect pair of colorful heels, riding boots, and skinny belts.


Can't wait to shop!

My Sincerest Apologies

You don't know how badly I want to get rid of the preceding blog. I thought about taking it down but I'm not going to be so obvious and fake. I was very disappointed when I wrote that blog. The feelings that I had were real. Real or not, that's no excuse to blast out my male complements like that. Sure they do dumb things. We all do. But they get enough punches from other people without having to put up with an angry, black woman. Let me ask this question though. There's such a horrible stigma to being an angry, black woman, but are we ever allowed to become such? I'm not saying that I would want to stay an angry, black woman because I know that's not only detrimental to him, but to myself as well. Every once in a while though...are we allowed to be disappointed in each other to the point where we don't want to be bothered? If I was to answer my own question, I would say "sure we are!" The few times that I disappointed my parents (and yes I did say few... I was a rather quiet, good child which made my color-outside-of-the-lines sister hate me that much more), they were very clear that they did not want to be bothered with me. But the difference between what they did and what I did was that they didn't blast it to the world, (unless you count every aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent, next door neighbor and mentor as the world - cuz you know they told them). So, I guess an apology is due. I know an apology is due.

I'm sorry to anyone and everyone that was offended by my last post. I'm especially sorry to all of my brothers. I no way did I intend to smack you in the face or slam you down harder than you already are. I know it's rough out there without having to deal with an angry, black woman on your back. I am so sorry.

Well, I initially signed on to blog about my day. That "Men Bashing" blog kept staring me in the face though. I needed to address it. Anyway, being that today is Friday, I had quite a bit of time on my hands to surf through blog world. I came across plenty of incredible blogs that I must add to my tag team immediately. As a matter of fact, some of my existing tags might need to go. During my surfing, however, I realized that I need to step up my game; big time. My writing skills need to be enhanced and I need to compliment my words with captivating or artsy pictures/photographs and art. One of the things I like about my blog though is how simple it is. A blog visit can be slightly overwhelming when pictures and banners and ads and mumbo jumbo swamp the page. It's such a turn off. I'm a fan of K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid). Perhaps I'll return to my creative writing projects. Exercise my brain a little and throw in a few short fiction stories. We'll see. I don't have the time to spend large amounts of time on a post. If I'm in the mood, I'll let the creative juices flow. I'm glad that I was able to surf though. It was really inspiring. And I learned something new. Check out Belle's blog to see what I mean. Have a good weekend everyone.

Men Bashing

Normally, I don't bash on my beautiful, brown, tall, sexy brothas. I try to stay out of the angry, black woman role, but tonight, ya'll are making me just about want to throw up in my mouth. Please, someone clue me in! What is it that goes through those jacked up little brains of yours?! How can you be so selfish and apathetic when you're dealing with a woman's heart and emotions? If you are supposed to treat the women in your life (whether she be your friend, wife, associate, co-worker, girlfriend or WHATEVER), like you treat yourself, then ya'll are seriously treating yourselves like punching bags. What happened to honest communication? What happened to stepping outside of yourself for another human being? Ya'll just don't realize what you have in the palm of your hands - women who are willing to bend over backwards to be everything that you want her to be. All she wants to be is yours. Freakin incredible I tell you. I think all the men in the world have officially lost their minds. You Beautiful Idiots.

Ok. I'm done. No more bashing. =)

Have a Great Day People!

Morning world!

Can you guess how I'm feeling this morning?! He he he. The right song came on my iPod just before I stepped off the bus. I was jamming in the subway. Didn't even care that I left my cell at home. When I walked into the kitchen a few minutes ago to retrieve my toasted cinnamon raisin bagel, my co-worker asked me how I was doing this morning. I replied with an astounding "GREAT" and he was like "OH!" Lol. He wasn't expecting such a happy reply. He said he was going to work on 'great' too and that my attitude is contagious. It was a simple exchange but it made my day. I love making people happy! I burned the roof of my mouth with a hot slice of cheese pizza yesterday. I still feel it. I had to cram it down my throat because I was on my way to Bible study. It was so good though. I love New York pizza. How in the world am I going to keep up with Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, The Hills, 90210, MTB4, and The Game this season without TiVO? That's one thing I don't like about tv schedules and seasons. Why do they all have to hit at the same time man?! It's all "great" though. Just know that Monday nights, I'm out of commission. From 8 to 11. Don't even TRY calling me unless it's to talk about the shows. Yes. It's that serious. Labor day weekend is around the corner. I have a 4 day weekend! Yipee! I wonder what I should do. My mom says to come home. I have to be home the very next weekend after that as well. I enjoy going home. As a matter of fact, let me buy my ticket now. Done. Did you see the Olympics last night?! Good stuff. I can't wait until Track & Field starts on Friday. As for plans this weekend... Girls movie night on Friday and then a bbq in the BX Saturday. Low key just how I like it. Hopefully I can be in bed by 10:30 both nights. =) Duty calls! Have a great day people!

One Inna Million

Tell me how does it feel

I bet it feels good

I bet it feels so good

To be One

Inna Million

You know that I know

But you don't ever show it

So don't nobody know

You keep it on the low

You gotta beautiful soul

Tell me how does it feel

to be One

Inna Million

i'm lucky to be touched by the brilliance of black women everyday. to walk the halls at work and peer into the brown eyes of the legends on our walls and the everyday women walking past me. everytime i get close enough to soak in the strength, pose, energy, beauty, fight, will power, charisma, endurance, determination, intelligence, etc., i suddenly feel moved and energized. black women are some of the most beautiful of speciman on this earth. with every romantic curve, striking facial feature and glorious crown of hair, they stand so powerful and tall. and talk about versatility! no black woman is alike. i'm not sure why i'm talking about 'them' as if i'm not one of 'them', but when i see the faces of black women that i admire, i feel like i see them for the first time. i become like a little child who hopes and prays that one day i can radiate like they do. to all the ruby dees, michelle obamas, oprah winfreys, kerry washingtons, rachel roys, jada pinket smiths, michelle ebanks', dorothy dandridges... thank you for being one inna million. i absolutely LOVE black women.

Readjust

Things kinda spun out of control today. I don't know how... Wait... Stop. That's not true. I DO know how. I know exactly where I let the control slip out of my fingers. (Isn't it funny how we always seem to blame things on the air when we're clearly in the wrong?) I thought that I could be big and bad and do the same thing that other people do, but as is normally the case, I was quickly readjusted. My friends and acquaintances never get caught when stealing from the cookie jar. But as soon as I reach for that cookie, not only does the 10 bell alarm go off, but I find myself face down on the ground with a knee in my back and handcuffs on my wrists. And even worse, my mom and dad appear out of no where looking at me with disapproving expressions. I can't get away with anything!

Because of the experiences I've had, I assumed I could build an ice block around my heart and run around the city not caring. I tried to be contrary to who I truly am. Hard. Emotionless. Frank. Blunt. Inattentive. Negligent. Well that lasted all of what? 1 week? I've had more crazy WTH moments than I care to mention.

The holy spirit must be my best friend because its protection is extraordinary. There's no way that all of the things that happened today were mere coincidences. I've been warned left and right and have no business ignoring the message. I need to slow down, realign myself, and be the mushy, romantic, and soft but smart, attentive and quick j.a.c. that I am.

Lol. I really tried not to care ya'll! Who am I kidding?! Lol. Oh I crack myself up.

Please Baby, Baby Please!

Jaguar Wright's song "Let Me Be The One" is on. Everytime I hear this song, I get nauseous. I can't stand it when women beg men to be with them. Ugh! "I can be everything you need as long as you let me...\We could have so much fun if only you would let me...\Let me be your girl\I'll give you the world". There's something about a woman begging a man to be with her that drives me crazy. Maybe it's because I was that girl for a quick second. It seriously makes me woozie when I think about how I pleaded for him to stay with me. What makes it worse is that he broke up with me because he said he couldn't be all that I needed him to be. But you know how we do. We'll beg and plead all because of the fear of being alone. All because "the plan" says we were supposed to be married two years ago. Ladies! Where is our pride?! Our dignity?! Our self-esteem?! You don't see men carrying on and crying after a woman. If you did nothing wrong, please don't beg a man to be with you. If you don't see what it is that he's losing without you, how will he?

Check out Brown Sistas post here on why we stay in relationships longer than we should.

Sitting Here On A Sunday Morning

Because this has come up more than once...
I'm not interested in being anyone's girlfriend. I'm not a play thing either. The object of the game is to keep it light and airy. At the moment, your girl just wants to have fun. Act a fool. Run through Six Flags. Skip through the streets of NY. Watch football at the sports bar. Go to concerts. Whatever. Just chill.

Before I left the house, I watched Phelps get his first gold medal last night. That man is making serious history. 7 Olympic Gold Medals so far?! Olypmic AND World records?! WHAT?! I'm on Team Phelps. Now I'm watching the China vs. USA basketball game. I kinda feel bad for China. There's no way they'll do any damage. Look at the team. Wade, Bryant, Anthony, Paul, James, Kidd. And now look at the score. 74 to 46. Oh wow. The announcers just said that Yao Ming got married last summer to his basketball player girlfriend who is 6'2". How sweet. Considering his height, I'm glad he married someone 'on his level'. lol.

I was supposed to have a Bible study today. Trying to get back on my game. Re-invest my heart a little. Now that's an emotional relationship worth my attention.

I have a farewell brunch to attend today at 2. That probably means I shouldn't eat this morning. My girl left Alvin Ailey and will be moving to St. Louis. I can't imagine the devastation professional dancers feel when they decide to hang up their dance shoes. All because of her knee too. That's tough man.

I had a ball last night thanks to L.G. She's been telling me "stick with me kid" so that I can enjoy my time here in NY. Well she was right. Where would I be without her?! You know how much of a homebody I am. Cheers to my new entertainment director L.G.!

RIP Bernie Mac

Olympics Update

So far I've watched the Americans clutch all three medals for fencing. That seemed like a nice feeling for those ladies. When the same U.S. flag took all three positions, the gold medalist cried.

I was really interested in the cycling event, but I guess it's going to be a rather long competition because they cut to rowing. The U.S. didn't do too well there. Some diesel, mannish looking woman sweeped her semi-final win. Shortly afterwards was double men's and four men. The U.S. was able to qualify for the finals in the four men rowing competition, but you can tell that rowing isn't our thing. Qualification heats are rather wack though. No ones at 100% and it's a waste of my viewing time.

Now for volleyball. I love watching this sport. These women are serious! Dripping in sweat. Viciously spiking balls into their opposers territory. It's so evil in a way. Especially when you see how their muscles buldge and all the strength the put into slamming the ball to the ground. Geah! I love it.

I love athletes. Their bodies. Their passion. Their strength. They're the best in the world!

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!

I have NEVER been more excited about a STYTCD Season Finale than I was tonight. OMG!!! JOSHUAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I can't even pretend like I'm docile right now. I seriously lost my mind.

Ya'll. Two Hip Hop Dancers. Two Black MEN. Left standing in the finale. WHAT?! WHAT?!

In all serious though, I am SO proud of them. I feel like those are my cousins up there. I am so happy.

Congratulations Twitch. And CONGRATULATIONS JOSHUA!

Ahh... This show makes me blissfuly happy. It's one of the rare moments where I feel nothing but pure joy. My heart is so warm.

Psych Ward

I'm saddened.

My peers and I are being bumped from our location and forced to the far end of the building. The location of our new desks are so isolated that we call it the psych ward. White walls, echoes, humming lights, no visitors... It's horrible. It's just enough to make me dislike coming to work. I haven't had that early morning feeling since I left my last job. The one where I open my eyes and suddenly wish I hadn't; wishing pain to one part of my body so that I can call in sick. It's devastating to hate your job. I'm serious when I say that the effects of this move will have mental and emotional repercussions. My manager fought it with all her might, and for that, I love her. I need to be around young, humorous, busy bodies. The Essence.com team has served as such. I really do fear that dread I used to feel, so I've decided to take action and make the most of the move. I'm not sure how to convert the psych ward into a lively hub of entertainment, but I do know that my first step will be to bring flowers into work every Monday. Different ones every week. I then will need to surround myself with as many colorful photographs and clippings as possible. I'm not sure it'll completely distract me from the large, looming, white wall on my right, but it's a start. We might have to get some posters down there. And if my director even THINKS she can come over to us and say we can't put anything on the walls, I will go off. That woman just.... ugh! Ok. Calm down J. Anyway, it's amazing how much of an effect your surroundings have on your psyche. I now suddenly understand the adverse effects that living among damaged people - even if you're not one yourself - can have on a person. Well, ladies and gentlemen. Wish me well in the psych ward. If you have any suggestions to brighten the place, let me know!

Lloyd

Can you say 'in love'? Geez Louise! This album is off the hook.

Go Get It!

Writing is Constrictive

Writing has always and forever been a place of haven for me. Whatever was on my mind, I wrote without censorship. But as of lately, I haven't been able to do so. Consequently, I don't enjoy my blog as much as I used to. Before typing out a sentence, I run that very sentence through the little factory in my mind to make sure that it's blog proof. And that's just no fun. When I write, I don't want to have to think. I just want to let it loose. Anything and everything. Parts of me that I didn't know existed unless I was being completely and utterly honest with myself. Sentiments I neglected to feel until I poured out my soul on cyberspace's paper. But a lot of that has been lost. I have a journal as well, and that's where I usually go to pour my heart out, but Zuri She Wrote should be an outlet of equal measure. I feel restricted. So this is what I figure. I'm going to have to do either one of three things. Change the url of my blog, censor my content, or forget about my readers and write whatever the heck I want. I'm not so sure what the right choice is. And even if I change my site url, will I still give the same people the address? Because you know how it is...At times, certain posts are subtly directed at a particular person for the purpose of pointedly communicating to them in a way they would never expect. At other times, however, I wish they were overcome by amnesia and altogether forgot about my blog. It's a tough decision, only because I'm tired of writing for others but still want to share the best of me...and only the best of me. In reading ms. confessions blog, I feel the freedom she has in expressing her hearts desires. She talks about whatever and whoever she pleases. And it's clear that whoever she's talking about does not have access to her thoughts. So then that makes me think about the privacy of blogs. The words "privacy" and "blog" are a stark contradiction. People warn, "don't put your personal business out there!" but if I can't write what I want to write, then what's the purpose of a personal blog? I might as well not have one and stick to my journal. That might sound like a solution, however the dilemma is that as easy as it is to pick up a pen and paper, I find it much easier to sign on and type away. Writing by hand takes too long when you're burning to release a thought. Censor my content? Naw. I can't do that. I have to say what I want to say. You know what else I like about recording my true feelings? I can always go back and experience how ridiculous, immature and off-balance I was back in the day. And I'm not going back to read for the sake of embarrassment. I'm really going back to see how much I've grown. I first started keeping journals in 1995. So as of today, I have 7 journals chronicling the last 13 years of my life. That would make me 12 when I started writing. It's interesting that I haven't picked up an old journal and gone back yet. Regardless of what I just mentioned above about seeking my growth through my words, I'm a little scared to go back. I definitely recorded a lot of good times, but I'm most afraid to read about my heartbreaks, frustrations and anger. When you're a teenager, you go through more emotions than you know exist in that budding body of yours. Somehow, I feel that the raw emotions I penned would come back to life if I read them. I know it doesn't make sense, especially if these are emotions felt over a decade ago, but... I don't know. I'm getting off the subject though. Why blog if I can't say exactly what's on my mind? I'm tired of being self-conscious of what I write. There is already a list of subjects I try to stay away from. Men and sex being one of them. I can't talk about what led up to these very words - "I Love Men" - being blatantly and firmly impressed on my mind like a bold, neon, Vegas marquee today. Nor will I talk about how it feels or doesn't feel to nestle my cold nose into the warm flesh of a safe man's neck. Or how absolutely terrified I am to date. (This is now opening a whole 'nother can of worms that I WISH I could claw and rip into right now, but won't for the sake of my dignity and other people's feelings.) And then for the sake of the new Zuri She Wrote readers, I keep it mostly light, uplifting and general because I don't want it to appear to the untrained eye that I've lost my mind. lol. First impressions are everything. But there I go, thinking of other individuals again. Can I just be me?

I want to keep writing but I have nothing left to say, so...

...to be continued...or maybe not.

Happy Thursday

I am having an absolutely marvelous day! And it's only 9:30! lol. I'm not quite sure why, but you know how you just roll out the bed and everything is right? I had a hearty breakfast this morning (which I never have), I knocked out a couple of emails and to-dos before everyone walked through the door, I feel beautiful... Sigh. These are the feelings that I live for.

I'm reading this trashy African-American novel to tie me over until I can find a really good book. It's hilarious! The writing is so bad that I'm amused. The author must have used the same phrase about 20 times so far and I'm only halfway through the book."When his mouth touched hers, she was lost." "She trembled at his touch." Bwaaaahhhh! I find myself rolling my eyes a lot while reading this book. It's all good though. It's just entertainment people!

Is anyone as excited about the Olympics as I am? Michael Phelps is a beast! Swim Mike Swim! And then the track & field star Allyson Felix. Oh my goodness. She amazes me. I can care less about Americanism until the Olympics start. Go USA! August 8th on NBC.

Alright. Get back to work people. Holla!

Ran-dumb Thoughts

Today was a pretty chill day.
Got my hair cut again.
It's shorter than my normal so this time it should last a while.
My hair grows so fast.
I won't dare trust my cut to anyone but my mom's hairdresser.
If anyone else puts scissors to my hair, I will scream.
You never know, you know?
People can jack you up if they don't know what they're doing.
My hairdresser in NY is perfect for a wash and style.
That's it.
Oh and good conversation.
He's the first stylist that I've actually talked to while in the chair.
I've never had conversation in beauty parlors before.
Maybe because I was too young to get into grown people's business.
But I'm grown now.
Speaking of grown, my parents asked me if I wanted to rent their house with my little sister.
I told them I would pass on that.
Now that I've lived everywhere with everyone, I feel I'm too grown to think about moving in with my little sister.
I'm tired of living with everyone.
It's time I get my own.
And as soon as I leave NY, that's what I'll do.
I'm looking forward to my future.
But I want to be careful not to live for it.
I've done that and it really didn't get me anywhere.
I was always focusing on where I should be at age so and so, failing to enjoy the moment.
At this point in my life, I'm happy.
I'm getting back in touch with how I used to feel during my single years in LA.
Free, fun, spiritual, and fly!
There's nothing like feeling you're on top of the world.
I can attribute much of that feeling to being home.
Whenever I come back to the house I grew up in, I feel so comfortable and myself.
There are no pretenses.
I'm not trying to put on a particular face.
I don't have to work on anything.
It's just me.
And the people I love.

Tomorrow is the Sistahs Speak workshop.
I'm looking forward to it.
I hope that we don't come away disturbed. lol.
If you take the group of us, 10 or 12 individuals in all, we've all been so jacked up.
Broken engagements, deceitful boyfriends, self-esteem issues, lonliness....
It's all so much.
But it's nothing that we can't get through.
Hopefully.
Speaking for myself only, I know that I'm alright.
I know that I will be alright.
If I just stay close to Jehovah, remain busy, and dedicate my time to others, I'll be good.
And then all of a sudden, everything will fall into place.
And then I'll look back and wonder what I was crying for.

I just heard my dad do one of his loud snores.
All the way down the hallway!
Little sis must be sleep too because I haven't seen her since I stepped in the house.
Or she might be on the phone with her bf.
Mom is downstairs wrapped up in a blanket in front of the tv.
She's so funny.
Talkin about how she has insomia now.
That woman is always diagnosing herself with something.
And don't let her see Dr. Oz or hear a health report on Oprah.
Man!
"Well, Dr. Oz said..."
*Rolling my eyes* (only over the phone, of course)
Alright... she's calling me.
Wants me to see Michelle Williams sing.
Nite people.

Black in America

I watched the first installment of Black in America last night. Well... eh. It was alright I guess. Even though it was about Black Women and the Family, I felt very little applied to me. It was just a bunch of bad news and mostly things that I already knew. I wonder who the shows audience is. Who exactly is CNN and Essence trying to reach? People like me? Educators and activists? People in positions of power? White people? I'm asking because I know what it is to be Black in America. I'm touched by it everyday. No I'm not in poverty, nor do I have AIDS/HIV, kids, and no I'm not a high school or a college drop-out. But I have friends who are. What black person doesn't?

As Soledad and the show pointed out, we're in dire straights. So now what? I can bet all my shoes that the next tv show about African-Americans will give me the same or worse information than last year. Year after year, it'll be the same.

I was wondering Soledad would give us a chance to see the positive. Thankfully she did, even if it was for 10 seconds. Speaking of, what would a segment on being White in America look like? How rosy would it be? Or would they focus on the white trash to make it seem like they have the same problems as us?

Well, let's see what this Black Men in America segment is like tonight. I have a feeling it's gonna be rough...

Stories of Break-Ups

A husband and wife team bumped into some really hard times. The husband was overwhelmed and wasn't sure if he had what it took to be the family head any longer. So time went by and one day the husband said to the wife, "I don't know if I want to work this out." A couple of days later, the wife called the husband at work and said that today was the day. Today he must pack his bags and move out. That was the day that shook the husband and he was forced to make a decision. Knowing that he wanted to do right, the husband decided to take action. He set up marriage enrichment courses at the church, he took days off of work to attend the sessions, gave his wife a list of action items that he was willing to take to keep the marriage and changed his attitude immediately.

When I heard this true story (which was told to me in more detail), I was so moved.

Here are a few of my initial thoughts:

So it IS possible?! There are men out there who don't give up!
I guess that's the 50% right?
But considering all the relationship bad news that's surrounding me, why are there are so many breakups when it's clear that it can be worked out?
What's different today?
Why don't men reach out to other men who have made it?
I guess it's just not in the men (or women) of today.
Thinking back to my exes - they were too young to know to do this though.
Actions like that comes with maturity.
Wow! This husband called out for spiritual guidance, vowed to make a change in his heart, had action items AND took off from work!?
Now you know he's serious when he takes off!
Work is a man's sanctuary.
He was completely selfless - devoted to their welfare and not his own.
Women, for the most part, are quick to 'try and work it out'.
With their hearts on their sleeves, they fight.
This husband did what he was supposed to do though!
He took a vow.
That was his obligation.
Would he have stepped up if his wife never told him to leave?
Doubt it.
You teach people how they should treat you.
She taught him that he couldn't play.
If she let her husband stay without an answer, would he have respected her?
Might he have cheated on her while still in the house?
She was strong.
Women usually hold on when they know they shouldn't.
But she stopped it right away.
That's admirable.
I'm still in shock.
He seriously did whatever he had to do.
The man took off from work!
That's awesome!
There's a ray of hope ladies and gentleman!

Friday Night

This is one of those nights where I wish I had my own place. I just had a nice glass of wine which I'm definitely feeling. Got my hair loose. A nice summer night's breeze is coming through the window. The lights are out, with a faint glow from the kitchen light and my labtop. Got Usher's "Love You Gently" on in the background. Mmmm... Man! If I had my own spot, this would be the night where I would light candles, put on one of my many sexy slow jams mix CDs, throw on a little chemise, dance sensually in front of the mirror, and pour myself yet another glass of wine. No man would be necessary cuz that's not really what this is about. This is about me. A Friday night for myself to relax and shake off the effects of the week. Zone out to something smooth all the while radiating beautifully from within. I remember how it used to be when I had my own place. Right there in little ole' Lakewood. When I met Maxwell from my stereo for an evening of womanhood. When I met another me in my studio. If I only had my own place...

Black Summer's Night album - Maxwell

Update: Someone commented on this post today, which I COMPLETEY forgot about. I just HAD to bring it back to the top. Feel this people. Just feel it.

mmm... i'm in love. Pretty Wings.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/3430971dd2dbe1/

just close your eyes.

you know how you hear what you want to hear? well all i've been hearing is songs that tell me to spread my wings and fly. did you listen to maxwell's lyrics? oh my goodness... this is on repeat for the day. it almost wants to make me cry it's so perfect.

Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I’ll always love ya
I hope you feel the same
You played me dirty
Your game was so bad
You toyed with my affection
Had to fill out my prescription
Found the remedy
I had to set you free
Away from me
To see clearly
The way that love can be
When you are not with me
I had to let
I had to let
I had to leave
I have to live
If I can’t have you
Let love set you
Free to fly your
Pretty wings around

What Albums Are You Looking Forward To?

We're about to have a wave of new music soon, and you KNOW I'm excited. Here are the new albums I'm looking forward to. What about you?


I'm really interested in this first album. It's like walking into unchartered territory. Something unforseen and random. I really hope her entire album is as good as the few tracks that have leaked so far. She seems refreshing, but I'll be the judge of that once my iPod is loaded.



I'm loyal to this dude. I don't care what anyone says. High, girly voice and all. That "Girls All Around The World" track makes me feel SO good. It's just what I want to listen to as I'm walkin down the street in my heels and extra tight jeans. Holla!



And of course... An ode just plain, good ole music. A vow to talent. Since nearly every song will hit the charts, it's a good piece to add to the collection.



So then what else do we have?

Keri Hilson just clued me in with her "Energy" video. I've been ignoring her despite her writing talent and whatever everyone else sees in her, but she captured my attention with this. If she's pushed on me enough, I might just support her.




And then we'll have Joe coming out soon, along with Common, Robin Thicke, Rafael Saadiq and Brandy. Brandy's another one I definitely will support. Her last album was sorely under rated. Plus she's a fighting, sucka-get-out-my-way, don't-mess-with-me, singing lady. And you know I like that. Tee hee hee.

Oh and don't forget Terrence Howard's "Shine Through It" album. Not sure how I feel about that yet. (Smile!)

What are you looking forward to?

Bentley feat Kanye, Sa-Ra and Andre 3000 - "Everybody"

It's so weird to see Kanye as a part of a group! But I love this. It's wonderful!

Relationships...

I talked to a couple of my homeboys this week. Everybody is going through relationship trouble. MM says that being a full-time student as well as having a full-time job takes a huge toll on his relationship. They're always fighting about time. SH told me that he's always finding himself acquiesing to his girlfriend, hoping that she'll humble herself as well one day. My co-worker IMed me a few minutes ago telling me how tired he is of the drama with his girlfriend and her misplaced anger, which is why they haven't talked in 3 days. I met a guy this weekend who's been engaged to his fiancee for 2 years simply because 'she's not ready' and is therefore planning a move across the country. Then, I just got word that JM is pushing back his wedding. What in the world is going on out here?!

Relationships are hard. Anyone who's been in one knows. I just wrote a journal entry yesterday about how happy some couples seem. Take Will & Jada for example. Just look at them. Can any two people be more suited for each other? Can't you feel their joy?



Of course I'm looking from the outside in, but they just glow love. More importantly, they reak of friendship. But since they are in a "relationship", they must have issues. Right? Aren't the words "relationship" and "issues" synonymous? I guess we were forewarned. The Scriptures tell us at 2 Timothy 3:1-3 that in these last days, it gets harder and harder to love. People aren't open to agreement anymore, nor do they have natural affection for each other. People just don't care about each other anymore. So how do you find what Will & Jada have (from the naked eye)? How does one person find someone who just wants to be with you? How does one find a person who actually wants to get married? How does one find a person who knows how to work on the issues or wants to learn how to do so? How does one find a person who has natural affection?

Aren't we all tired of the drama?

Open Your Eyes

Dwele's CD is off the hook. I love this man (he came to the office Tuesday to meet with us!). There's one song that just... ugh! Can you say On REPEAT?! The way that he sings it... so soft... so smooth... And I love how he throws a little piece of Common's "The Light" back into the mix. Just stupidly beautiful.

I see you
in a lonley place
How can you be so blind?
You're still regretting the love you left
left behind
Oh Darling
I see you go through your changes
sitting alone each night
Are you expecting to find a love
love that's right?
Well darlin open your eyes
and let me show you the light
Girl, you'll never find a love that's right
But darling open your eyes
and let me show you the light
Oh you'll think you're so wise
so wise


There are times
when you need someone
I will be by your side
I'll take my chances before they pass
pass me by
There is a light that shines
special for you and me
You need to look at the other side
You'll agree
Well darling open your eyes
and let me show you the light
Girl, you'll never find a love that's right
But darling open your eyes
and let me show you the light

"Open Your Eyes" by Dwele

My Convo with Ms. Keys

I saw Alicia Keys at Madison Square Garden last night and we had a conversation. I was feeling very emotional moments before I met up with her, and you know when your emotions are on your sleeve, everything means so much more. Quotes hit you harder, Bible verses are more profound... even lyrics that you've heard over and over again hit cords they've never hit before. So because of my emotional state, when I conversed with Alicia last night, I understood her more than I ever have.

I was feeling very under appreciated last night. Even slightly angry. I told her that there was one song in particular that I was feigning to hear. She asked me what it was and I gave her a piece of the lyrics. "Used to look at you and see the possibilities. I see you for who you are. Boy you've disappointed me. Go Ahead. Go on and get up on outta here. Go ahead baby. You knew you was wrong. You knew all along. Must be crazy. If you think I'ma fall for this anymore, everybody say naa naa naa naa." She said to me that she thinks she sees what's going on here. She said that she knew exactly what I was feeling and that there was something that she once said to her under-appreciating friends and acquaintances that helped her out a lot. Alicia must have been reading my mind because she looked at me and said "And a real woman knows a real man ain't fraid to please her. If you treat me fairly, I'll give you all my goods. Treat you like a real woman should. Baby I know you're worth it. If you never play me, promise not to bluff, I'll hold you down when it get's rough. Don't take for granted the passion that she has for you. You will lose if choose to refuse to put her first. She will and she can find a man who knows her worth. And a real man just can't deny a woman's worth." By the end of her anecdote, I was down with her. You know? I felt her. I told her, 'dag on real! If a person treats me up to my full worth, they could walk away with my soul! I'll give them everything they need! My goods, my soul, my everything!' So I was wide open by then. She spoke to my heart and I was really feeling her. So then she began to tell me that a lot of times they just don't get it. They mistake your feelings for something different and come out of their mouth with some mess that doesn't even make sense. Even AFTER you've given your heart and soul. You would think they would know by now, but... they don't. So she tells me, "How could you look me in my eyes and not see what, what I feel inside. Tell me how could you doubt the fact that I love. Don't you ever think like that. Don't you ever never do that. There will never be two things that go together better than you and me! I need you." I agreed, I told her that I don't understand how you could be so tight with someone and then all of a sudden they tell you that you're not down. It baffles me too. But she told me that it's alright. When all of that mess surrounds you, and you feel distorted, just remember that you're a strong, surviving woman. We all have to be when the valleys hit hard and you're feeling the blues. She told me that I have to be a superwomen and told me like this, "Everywhere I'm turning, nothing seems complete. I hang my head from sorrow. The state of humanity wearing on my shoulders. Gotta find the strength in me. Cuz I am a Superwoman. Yes I am. Still when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest with an 'S' on my chest. Oh yes, I'm a superwoman." I told her that I completely understood that. I'm always pulling my head up against the weight of the world even when my heart hurts. I already live the life of a superwoman. Have since I was little. But who's going to be there for me? Who's going to be my supersomeone? She had an answer right away. She told me to apply what she was about to say next to the Almighty God Jehovah. She said, "I just want you close where you can stay forever. You can be sure that it will only get better. You and me together through the days and nights, I don't worry cuz everything's going to be alright. And no one can get in the way of what I'm feeling." Then she asked me, you know why? I asked why, and she said, "When the rain is pouring down and my heart is hurting, you will always be around. This I know for certain." She was so right. When you have 'no one', who's the only person you can turn to that will be ALWAYS around? God.

There were so many other things that she said to me, but I'll keep that between Alicia and I. I ended up having a GREAT conversation with her, as you can see. There's something so spiritual and beautiful about that woman. Her insides radiate and I appreciated how she left her heart open for people like me to peak into.

GREEN LIGHT

I love this!! Great summer song. This should be a good album. Check it out!

John Legend feat Andre 3000 - GREEN LIGHT

http://www.zshare.net/audio/137122957b7ad11e/

On My Way To Work....

...this morning, I listened to Marques Houston's "Veteran". I forgot how great this album is. The music is so underrated. This is his greatest piece of work yet. It made me happy this morning. I don't even really remember my commute!

Tuesdays are doom days at work (reports, meetings, monthly close stuff), so hopefully I can get through it without a burn. After today, it should be smooth sailing. Wednesday night is Alicia Keyes and Thursday night, I'll be on a plane to LA. We're almost there people!

My fiance' pulled my credit score yesterday for me. I must say that I'm proud of myself. I was worried though. My debt is overwhelming at times. Two credit cards and my student loan. I promise that I will get rid of one of those credit cards soon. I might even get a second job just to pay them off. Yep. If I move, I'm getting a second job. It's decided.

I watched Michael Clayton last night. Good movie. I have a couple of good movies coming up in my Netflix queue. Roscoe Jenkins... Sweeny Todd... Mr. Brooks... You know what other movie was good? Surf's Up. The animated movie with the penguins. These animated movies now-a-days are so smart. The script is so clever.

What new music comes out this week? Ryan Leslie, Rihanna (again), Chante Moore, and Anthony David. Eh. I might pick up Anthony David. He played for us a couple of weeks ago and I really like his personality and voice. Or I might save my money for Dwele next week. I still haven't got that Lil Wayne yet. Right now, it's all about Santogold. I really like that chicks sound. Reminds me of a little bit of M.I.A. mixed with some doses of J'Davey. She has a fresh sound. I like N.E.R.D.'s CD too, but all of it starts to sound the same. I swore they re-used some of the beats. You already know what you're going to get before you put the music on. It's GREAT party music though. If you want a work-out, throw on some N.E.R.D.!

Did you know that my favorite cereal is Honey Bunches of Oats? Well I'm going to eat some right now! Enjoy your day family!

If A Man Loves You, He'll Spend Money On You Part 2

I just read a Brown Sista post, (If A Man Loves You, He Will Spend Money On You) and I need to piggy back on some things. While I agree with the post, I think it goes deeper than that. I don't know how many times we have to say this, but it's not about the money. IT'S ABOUT THE LITTLE THINGS. A nice phone conversation. A sweet text message. The gift of a flower, even if it's picked from the front yard. A letter in the mail. A walk in the park while holding hands. A little surprise. A candlelight dance in the living room. Do something to make me feel good dag-on-it. It's so funny because women spend all of their time and energy catering to the man of their affections. We call. We daydream about them. We play songs for them that remind us of them. We send silly e-cards just to say that we thought about them. We give them our last dimes. We give them space when they ask for it. We keep ourselves up so his boys can validate how well he pulled a dime. All of that crap. The major challenge comes in when a man comes down with a sudden case of amnesia and forgets what it is that you want. Will someone please tell me, what is it about a man that makes him lose his ever-loving mind and fail to cherish you and all that you do for him? Well in the words of my man Dan from the CW tv show "Gossip Girl", "It's because I'm a man and I'm dumb." Now if THAT doesn't explain why men are apologizing the majority of the time, I don't know what does. So if a man loves you, he won't only spend money on you, he will use every ounce of his strength to fight the amnesia. He will include you in his thoughts and communicate his feelings. He will do his best to refrain from taking his long day out on you. If a man really loves you, he will work through issues with you. He will work his butt off to take care of you. The list goes on.

Of course these things should go both ways. But I'm not talking about females right now because most of this mess comes naturally to us. Please get it right fellas. It really doesn't take much. All we need is tenderness and a thoughtful sentiment every now and then. It really has nothing to do with money. I'll live in a box with a man if he loves me like a queen. But, err, if you're going to have me in a box, you really have no choice but to treat me as such. Because if you make me feel stupid for being in the po' house with a man who mistreats me, I'm burning your box down, taking what little money you do have, talking bad about you to everyone I know, and then buying me a house with the secret stash I've had all along! Holla!!!!

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

So many things on my mind.
When you get engaged, everything goes from me to we.
I'm not used to this yet.
Every decision I make, I have to think about him.
It's taxing sometimes.
I found a new Brandy song on Concrete Loop that's resonating with me.
It's called Escape.
"So many complications.
Everyday it's something.
Escape from my mind."
Brandy's music is great.
I can't wait until her new album.
"I'm losing all my patience.
It's so hard to resist it.
You don't know what I'm going through."
I can listen to this song all day.
I'm thinking about moving.
An apartment will become available in August.
I'm tired of living with family.
It's beneficial for my wallet if I stay.
Sometimes you just don't care.
If I didn't leave my aunt's to have my own, I would've been a different person.
It was one of the best decisions of my life.
I'll have roommates this time around.
Can't live in NY without.
Lunchtime.
I'm not hungry.
Haven't been hungry in quite a while.
I ate really well in Atlantic City this past weekend though.
Had so much fun with the ladys.
My abs got a workout I laughed so hard.
The Alicia Keyes concert is Wednesday.
Not particularly excited yet.
I took my aunt to see her a couple of years ago.
She put on a good show.
JennWill flies in Thursday.
Gotta remember that.
I need to pack tomorrow.
I live out of a suitcase.
I probably should cancel my hair appointment.
We might go swimming.
No need to have a fresh head for that.
Wondering what to do July 4th weekend.
My parents and sis will be gone.
Should I go home and have the house to myself?
Maybe I should discover NY.
I need to get with some friends.
Just emailed them.
What's going on July 4th weekend yall?
I think I should take a break, even if I don't eat.
Later.

R. Kelly ACQUITTED?

Acquitted?! How?! What in the world?!!! (Should I be surprised?)

http://www.essence.com/essence/themix/entertainment/0,16109,1814418,00.html

Essence/Toyota Event

Last night, my job had an event in partnership with Toyota called "If Looks Could Kill". (see Bossip post here) (and Brown Sista post here) (and YBF's take) Toyota has spent much of their effort on marketing the 2009 Camry towards African-American women, hence the partnership with Essence. Check out the online component of the campaign here. PR Weekly said this about the site. "[It] includes a series of videos that feature a resourceful fashion designer and Camry driver involved in an espionage plot. Users can navigate within the 3D scene to play along with the adventure, picking up clues to assist the main character, and potentially winning 1,000 prizes over the course of the campaign." I haven't checked it out yet, but it looks fun.

So Alexis Phifer of Ghita (also Kanye West's ex) and Keyshia Cole provided our entertainment and I have two observations. I bumped into Alexis on my way out to lunch and boy was she short. Who would've known?! Two - Keyshia Cole was surprisingly GORGEOUS! Not that I ever thought she wasn't pretty, but in person she's remarkable. Of course she was wearing a Diane von Furstenberg dress. And I hated her for that. lol. Here are a few pics from the event below.

Solange's "I Decided"

This is so good ya'll!

Mr. Breezy

UPDATE: Pics Now Included

Chris Brown
Rockefeller Plaza
A rare chance to see him
Came into work
Dropped my bags
Headed back out the door
Walked across the street to the plaza
Crowd is unusually large
More guards and police officers than ever
I faked like I was buying a cup of coffee to get into Dean & Deluca



Screaming girls everywhere
I secretly screamed
I like the mohawk Chris



Took as many pics as I could fight to take
Finishes the first song
Police start to come into D&D
I leave
I hover around the crowds to see the interview
He smiles
Cute A
nd then he performs Forever
I love that song




A guard comes over and tells me I have to move
He touches me and I tell him don't touch me
(I can't stand it when people of enforcement think they can touch you)
So I move around him
Watch for a couple of minutes
And head back to work
Chris Brown

A light bulb just went off today...a true aha moment. There's been this little thing that has bothered me for some time now. Maybe even as far back as high school. It was/is strange but whenever I had/have an informative or deep conversations with someone, I secretly walk away, not enlighted, but hurt. It didn't make sense because whatever advice I was hearing was usually for my benefit. Most likely, it would come from people who loved me and wanted the best for me. So why feel hurt by it? Well, in an attempt to not look ungreatful, I shoved the feeling deep down inside and never spoke of it. I never could put my finger on why I often felt so insulted, but today I figured it out. Today's the first day I've spoken this into the air.

I don't think I'm given enough credit.

From a very early age, I was told that as a pretty, light-skinned girl, people will perceive me similar to a dumb blonde. I might have mentioned this in a previous blog, but I did all I could to fight that stereotype. I wasn't obsessed with the notion of proving myself though. I didn't let it lead my life. I just made sure that when I opened my mouth, I had something of substance to say. I'm not sure if I feel like I'm treated like a dumb blonde, but I now know that I surely have this general sweeping feeling that people assume I'm not smart enough to think.

My director emailed me today and told me that if I don't have numbers by end of day Friday, I should email the managers on Monday to ask for them. Umm... It's now Wednesday. Why do you not believe in me or in my intelligence enough to know that I not only thought about that, but DID something about it 2 days ago? This exact case happens often in my life. In discussions, I often hear people say that I need to learn to do this or perhaps I should try to approach it this way. Maybe it's because I'm usually talking to elders that they assume I don't know. On occasion though, it's come directly from my peers. During those times, I wish I could plead with that person to realize that I'm not a retard and that I had that very same conversation with myself 2 days ago.

My mother asked me is there something that I can do so that I don't feel that way. Perhaps communicate more. I told her that I need to speak my intelligence more. She then told me that maybe I don't because it shows humility. Well I don't know what to do then. I just want to know when am I allowed to have wisdom without telling everyone that I have it? I'm not trying to say that I never have to listen to advice again because I'm not so ignorant to believe that I don't need help. I am only 25 years old and have so much to learn about life. I told my mother and my aunt today that I have no idea how to be a wife. And when that day comes, I'm going to call them and ask for help. I'm looking forward to learning from their personal life's so that I don't run into the same ditches they ran into in their marriages.

I think this is all coming up because of my engagement. While they are happy for me, they're worried for me. And it's adding a certain weight to my special announcement. (And I know they don't mean to, so I'm not blaming anyone.) To quote them, they said that it is "bittersweet" because while they're happy for me they know the valleys that marriage brings and wonder if I'm strong enough. Yes, there is a lot of joy and pain in marriage. It's a fact. And you better believe that I've thought about this. Why say yes if I haven't? I know that my parents and relatives are afraid. They want to protect me from everything, and they're scared. It's sad that in this system of things, marriage brings forth such a cloud. And I can understand why. 50% of marriages end in divorce. They're hard. And by Christianity's standards, there's no way out with the exception of infidelity. It's a serious step. A major, life-changing decision.

I don't know. This is all so new to me. I don't want to tip toe around everyone as they worry for me. I want to STOMP around during my engagement. I want to scream it to the world. Dag on it, I'm getting married!

STRESSED

I'm so stressed today. I'm doing all I can not to lose my mind. My director is driving me crazy, it's dark and rainy outside, I only have one of me to do all of this work... Lord please help me get through this day!