Thank God For Girlfriends

Last night, my girl and I went up to Long Island to have dinner at my other girlfriend's house. She recently got engaged and bought a house with her fiance', so it was due time to visit the new spot and meet the young, strapping lad that she's planning her life with. The townhouse was warm and nicely decorated. Her fiance' was taller and more welcoming than I imagined. And after Mr. Fiance' ate and left the 3 of us girlfriends to our shenanigans, we became closer than I ever remembered. I think it had something to do with the huge bottle of white Zif that magically disappeared over the course of the night. As we talked, laughed, discussed our men issues, looked at old pictures and watched the BET marathon of Girlfriends on her flat screen tv, I couldn't help but notice that we were exact replicas of the professional and beautiful African-American women living out their lifes for our entertainment. I think we've all done this before - matched up our girlfriends with the characters on the show (either Girlfriends or Sex and the City), but I've never had a set of girlfriends who were so dead on to the personalities, styles and attitudes of those women. It took us no longer than 2 seconds to match each other up to the characters. While I don't have a "Lynn", I definitely have a "Mya" and a "Toni". So, I guess you know who that makes me. Yep. I am most linked to that wonderful and neurotic den mother we've all come to love, "Joan". It was most obvious to make the style connection first being that I was wearing the exact same outfit last night that Joan wore during the episode we were watching at the time. Go figure. But as we analyzed my desires, dreams, and goals, I started to see that I'm more like Joan than I would like to admit. Because of recent experiences, I too have this thing with marriage, men and relationships that seem to be forefront on my mind. But unlike Joan, I refuse to let it rule my life. Joan's obsession with marriage has more times than not sabotaged her relationships and friendships. There's not a chance that I will let those most common 'woman issues' plague my day to day activities. I used to think Joan was insane, but the older I get, the more I understand her. As we watched reruns, I empathized with her cravings and often felt bad for her. Remember when Joan's fiance' had to leave to fullfill his duties in the war? My heart broke for her... just when happiness was starting to make a nest in her heart. Too bad that she had such a struggle finding happiness on her own and within herself. But anyway, "Girlfriends" was a good show and I miss it. It's a good thing I have my own sitcomed life and set of "girlfriends" to fill the void.

I absolutely love my girlfriends. From 3J to the "Girlfriends" crew to my MD sisters to my newfound crazy TU buddies. Spending time with them is beyond therapeutic. I've never realized how much I need them. Thank God for girlfriends.

Not Right

"Should anybody ask for me
Tell 'em I'll be right back
In a real short time
It's just that I lost my mind
Gotta find it
[You want] to hop on my train of thought
I'll get back here
pronto
To collect myself
There's really nothing you can do to help"

The planets are not aligned. Things just aren't right. I need a second to get back on top of my game. Can you believe that I've been hurting people's feelings? Ugh! That makes me sick to my stomach. And of course it would be the people who love me the most. I'm just not paying attention. I'm so into my world that I'm becoming complacent about other people's lifes and needs. This is not what Jesus would do. I need to readjust and realign.

How You Start Is How You Must Finish

Hell yeah something's up with him. And no, you are not crazy. It was in the way you texted him when you got home and didn't get the normal "alright baby girl. it was good seeing you" text. The way in which he handed you car fare, and walked away without a word after you said thank you. The way in which he spent dag on near an hour in the kitchen and let Chris Rock entertain you. You went over because you wanted HIM to entertain me. Not skinny, nasty mouth Chris Rock! And you don't even like comedy like that. The dead giveaway? He washed dishes. You've never seen him away from you long enough to wash dishes AND make a meal when he's in your company. You hardly see each other as it is. There's never been time for dishes! "Alright. Well the cab is coming so..." Oh! [Blank stare.] Is that what's up? And he didn't even walk you downstairs. It's apparent in everything he said and didn't say; in everything he did and didn't do. How you start is how you have to finish. Otherwise, it's illuminatingly clear that something's up. So he needs to stop saying "i'm cool" and spill the beans like a big boy and less like a punk. Now, that's what's up.

I swear, sometimes men are WORSE than us.

TGIF

I'm tired as I don't know what. Went out last night to have drinks with the college amigos being that my brother was in town. Had a great time. I always feel the most comfortable around them. The majority of our conversation was about your "number". Yes, sexual partners. All I can say is that I love how different we all are. It makes for interesting experiences and discussions.

While struggling to carry my suitcase up an insane amount of subway steps this morning, this man behind me said, "that looks heavy" and kept on walking!!!! WTH! Don't you dare talk to me you non-having-manners idiot! Yeah, I was pretty annoyed. More so because I was dying - hot, tired, cramping, and uncharacteristically weak. Where is the chivalry now a days?

Thank goodness it's Friday. This has been the longest week ever. I've earned my vacation days on Monday and Tuesday. My sister will be in a hotel with her friends for Howard homecoming, so I'll be home alone with the parents. My sister livens everything up, so it'll be an easy, quiet weekend. Shoule be nice.

Ugh. My stomach is killing me. I can't type anymore.

Have a good weekend.

he took my breath away - one fantasy down

before i do anything, and because i write everything down, i must have you know that about 30 minutes ago, i happened across the most handsome... mmm. no. that's not the right word. 'handsome' feels too stiff. umm.... let me think...... the most beautiful? no. that's a little too sugary and sweet. i feel like i'm describing terrance howard. well maybe i should just say the finest... naaaww. i don't like that either. using 'fine' is too typical.... he was..... refreshing. that's it. yes. i happened across the most refreshing looking man i have seen in a very long time. and if i were speaking this to you, there would be a pause in between every single word of that last sentence. that's how badly this needs to stressed.

i am so grateful that i was at the place that i was, at the moment i was, and with the person who i was with. because of these things, i was able to be blessed with something special. i was able to have my breath taken away. and for anyone who knows me, you know meaningful that is to me. i romanticize life more than i should and dream of moments where my reality blends with fantasy. where my arms become attacked by goosebumps and my breath becomes short because of something wonderful. where terrific climaxes happen and happy endings live. of course that's not real life, but i desire that.... God smiled down on me and provided exactly that 30 minutes ago.

i understand that he is a human being and is much more than a refreshing face and body, but since i can't and won't have him, i will appreciate him as that one fantasy that actually came to life. =) one fantasy down and many more to go!

mmmm. i still can not believe what i just saw. i hope that i never forget what he looks like.

10:57 - i'm back again. i still have more to say about this man. lol.
i don't think anyone will be able to imagine the stark difference between what was going on in my mind and what was showing on my face. while i could hardly pay attention to the words he was exchanging with my boy, i did notice that he had all of his wits and smarts about him. i think i remember him saying something about working on a project with another friend. from the glow in his face, i'm sure it's going well. or maybe the glow was just from my point of view. either way, even without fully listening, which i couldn't do no matter if i tried, he intrigued me. his presence. the way he crossed his arms over his chest. the way he kept his body open to all 4 of us instead of focusing his attention solely on E. his style. the genuineness in his expression when he hugged his frat brother. i took in everything as i stood there with a calm and simple smile on my face. when E walked me to my bus, i told him that that was another thing i needed to have - instant attraction. he asked me in shock, "he has to be like that?!" - referring to his friend. (earlier, E admitted that he's never before seen the amount of attention that his boy gets.) "wow j. your qualifications are making it really tough. good luck with that." E says. call me a pessimist, but i don't think i'll ever again meet someone, let alone fall in love and marry and man who will blow me away like E's friend did. that's a once in a lifetime thing. and because it happened, i'm satisfied. really and truly, i'm all good. =) today was a good day.

A New Discovery

You know what I just realized. This has to be one of my top ten favorite songs. Everytime it comes on, I get into that zone, but I've never thought about it as a favorite until today... I absolutely love this song.



Happy Wednesday! Tomorrow's payday!!!!!!!!

Why Didn't It Work?

I had an IM convo of substance with an old crush last night.
We briefly touched on why it never went anywhere.
How I tried to get at him but he wasn't having it.
He said he didn't want to corrupt me.
Said I'm too much of an angel.
After he typed that, I rolled my eyes to myself.
I seem to get that a lot.
As a matter of fact, I just wrote a song touching on this notion.
"Yes I was raised to be a good girl/But there's another part to my world
Not many have ever seen it/And that's the way I prefer to keep it"
I told him that perhaps my morals and values are stricter than most.
That doesn't mean it's not hard to keep them.
I'm not as pristine as I appear.
He said that when I told him I work with an organization for youth that promotes abstinence from sex, he knew he wasn't the right one for me.
Well thank you for your deduction and reasoning skills sweetie.
I'm sure you saved me from a lot of temptation and struggle.
It pays to be upfront and honest about who you are.
It can serve as a protection.
So I asked him what is it that he does that would corrupt me.
I don't believe I got a straight answer.
Somehow we ended up talking about how I've done the whole "bad boy" thing.
And in the process loosened up a little.
And when I say "loosened up", I mean got some experience under my belt.
I told him that this time I'm hoping for a "good boy" who I can loosen up a little.
Yep, give me a square.
I can work it from there.
All in all, it was a good convo.

Beyonce

It's on. I already learned the beginning.

• Beyoncé
• New Music

Cue Musiq's Halfcrazy - "I Just Want My Friend Back"

"Hello?"

"I absolutely hate it when someone says take care. It sounds so final. Like I'll never see or speak to you again."

"What? Yo B. I didn't mean it like that. You know I have nothing but love for you. I always will. I'm sure we'll bump into each other."

"I'm just saying. Don't say that. It freaks me out."

He laughs. "I mean it is what it is. All I did was email you to say hi and see how your day was going when I get this 'i've been thinking i need space' response. you didn't even say hello."

"oh. i didn't know you really needed a hello. i mean it's just me. we've never been that formal..." pause. "well i apologize for not saying hello. i had something to say so i thought it was okay to jump right in."

"well i accept your apology." another pause. this time it's longer than the last. "yo B. you're confusing me. one minute you're telling me you can't do this and then the next, you're telling me not to make it sound final. you sound scared to me."

"mmm... i don't think that's it."

"yes it is."

"i mean do you call it me being scared if i just know that we don't have a future together?"

"you know that? or do you think that?"

i whisper my response. "i know."

"oh. well then. i respect the rules j. you told me what it was from the beginning and i feel you. i mean i think it's corny because we'll always have great chemistry and you know that, but you know what you want. i'll always love you and respect you. it's whatever you want."

i don't know what to say. i'm searching for words and finally i come up with this. "well i was just calling to make sure that we're cool. i kinda just want my old friend back. the one who i could spend hours on the phone with politiking and talking about everything and nothing. you're one of my closest friends and i hope that we didn't mess that up."

"of course B. i understand. we'll always still be able to chill. i'll always want you, but i'm used to that. dudes do it all the time. deal with things they can't have. so i just know to keep it plain. vanilla ice cream. you're still my girl j."

"alright. that's good to hear."

"so... call me anytime you want. and have a good night. sweet dreams."

"night."

I was sitting around a lot of single women, so it was like church up in there. Outstretched "I Surrender" arms, gruntled faces, outbursts of confirmations... Maxwell was the next Jesus.

I needed him in a smaller venue. Even though I had orchestra seats, I needed to be closer to him so I could feel him, breathe him and get lost inside of him. I did a little of that from far, but the connection wasn't powerful enough. How was he supposed to see how cocoa buttery I was for him? How could he see that I dressed my eyes perfectly for that sparkly smokey effect I know he would have liked? How was he going to smell the new perfume that I wore? I need Maxwell to see me. I'm not asking for a private performance, just one in which he sees no one in the room but me.

He wasn't as overly cool as I expected him to be. He had an enormous amount of energy. It was great. He even played around a little. Said a few witty things and shared a few jokes. He was like a friend. I appreciated that. His humility was refreshing too. He thanked us more times than I can count on one hand. He was cute when he said he thought we were going to throw tomatoes at him for singing his new song. He knew dag on well that it didn't matter WHAT came out of his mouth... with his fine self.

How can I make this not sound so "thirsty"? Umm... hmmm.... ummm.... I had visions. I don't mean like everyone else though. I wasn't trying to pretend like I was the woman in Maxwell's arms. When Maxwell was on his knees with his back to us simulating some foreplay-esque stuff, I was transmitted to another world. As I watched him, I could help but think if I would be so turned on by the man I actually end up with. Will my man actually be able to have that presence in the bedroom and be so damn fine? Will he really be as grown man as Maxwell was? You know what? I appreciate how still Maxwell was during those scenes. When most sexy, male celebrities do their thing on stage, they usually drop to the floor real fast in push-up position and hump the stage like a rabbit. Not Maxwell. Don't get me wrong. He did a little humping too, but it was like an experience - a journey. How do I explain this? I don't know. He was just so still. Patient. Quiet but not shy. Am I making sense to anyone right now or am I in my own little world? Well, whatever it is, it's extremely mature. It's like making love without even taking any clothes off. That's what I want.

Fashion Exercise : What Kind Of Man Is He?

Alright ladies. Put your thinking caps on. I have an activity for us that is inspired by my private thoughts about Maxwell. Lol. So for each celebrity listed below, tell me what kind of man is he? If you were going to go on a date with the celebrity in question, what would you wear? Is he a jeans man? A summer dress and flats man? A sexy dress and stilleto man? Would you do the career woman look with him or rock an all natural fit? What do you think his preference would be? Play along! This could be fun!

Maxwell (of course)
Idris Elba
Diddy
Terrance Howard
Usher
Prince
Barack
Common
Tyler Perry
Michael Ealy
John Legend
Pharell
T.I.
Andre 3000 *Challenge!*
Mos Def

Here are my answers. Don't look until you do yours! You don't have to do them all if you don't want. Just do a few!



Maxwell - I'm thinking sexy jeans or a summer dress. I can't exactly put my finger on this one though because I could see him loving anything as long as the women inside the clothes was beautiful. You know that sounds like something he would say. LOL.
Idris - Definitely a sexy LBD with some banging stiletto shoes. No question.
Diddy - He needs a dime on his arm at all times, so I would say anything high fashion. Whether it be a dress or pants. If I were to go out with Diddy, I would make sure my coat game was fly.
Terrance Howard - Because I SO don't care, this one is hard for me to get into, but yeah... a dress with some baby wipes in my clutch. Ugh! Boogie negro!
Usher - When I think of Usher, I think of a date in the house. Sweatpants that I look sexy in and a wife beater. Real simple.
Prince - Gosh. Umm.... Back in the day? Something rock inspired maybe. Now? I have no idea.
Barack - This one's obvious. Just look at his wife. Something classy, of course.
Common - He's so simple to me. Jeans, flip flops and a straw fedora. He seems like he would be easy to please.
Tyler Perry - A matching suit so I can look as close to a man as possible. ha!
Michael Ealy - Definitely a summer dress and freshly blow out hair. I would keep it really easy and light with him.
John Legend - A sexy dress that stays classy as well. Something really tailored. Maybe Calvin Klein with acessories that are on point. A diamond ring. Christian Louboutin shoes maybe.
Pharell - Rocker jeans and some hot tennis shoes with a leather jacket. No bag/purse/clutch.
T.I. - His wife always looks like a hot mess so based off that, I'd just throw on something I already have in my closet. But T.I. looks VERY nice when he throws on his suits so maybe a sexy dress.
Andre 3000 - I don't even know where to begin with this one. Harem pants?! Lol? Gosh I hate those things. Maybe some plaid shorts with tights underneath and leather boots. I don't know about the top yet. I gotta think on that one.
Mos Def - I actually have no idea. He's a hard one to call.

How did I do?

A Tribute to Maxwell

In 1996, I was too young to appreciate everything that this man is. But when he spun around and dropped to the floor during his first re-appearance on the last awards show, something in my chest got real tight. Goosebumps attacked my arms and my breath got really short. I lost all of my senses and actually had to work to pull myself out of a trance. Sigh... This newfound love affair with Maxwell Rivera, my Puerto Rican and Haitian work of art, will be incredible. Tomorrow I will be sitting on the floor of Radio City Music Hall, simply ready. Ready for him to take me. I hope I don't lose my mind... =/ Gotta keep it classy for my baby now.

Maxwell Whenever Wherever Whatever
Uploaded by carmlo01

Maxwell - Fortunate
Uploaded by Dante35

Maxwell - Lifetime
Uploaded by klmbaby

Maxwell
Uploaded by weldbardo

Maxwell : This_womans_work
Uploaded by BLACKMUSICS

Love Lockdown

And to "keep it light"... ha ha ha.... let's watch Kanye go through it. Love this video.

Update on Men Update - A Convo With Myself

so j.a.c. did you read everyone's comments?

yes i did. i know what you're going to say, but things got a little further than expected. all i was saying is that i want to do me. i want to stay single and not have to deal with a man catching feelings. i'm not ready for all that.

okay. i hear you. but did you learn anything?

umm... well from the direction that the comments went, it's really easy for things to get complicated when being a "bad girl" is mentioned. even if it was taken out of context. i know i'm not a "bad girl" and i'm not going to try and be one. like mikesee said, i'm going to work on me and let everything else fall into place. seems like the simplest answer. besides, it would be a shame for mr. right walk into your life and I'm not ready.

exactly. because if that happens, i will slap the mess out of you. do you hear me?

whoa! okay. okay. i hear you.

i understand that companionship is important. being single can get tiring after a while, but we're not there yet. you've been single for all of what? 3 months?! leave them men alone and do you baby girl. we don't need them yet. in the meantime, for the purposes of the near future, when you do meet that entertaining, funny guy, have fun but Keep It Plain! you and i will know when it's time to make a case about that someone special. right?

right.

so, you straight?

yeah, i'm straight.

good. my work here is done.



*To everyone who commented - Thank you.*

Men Update

*Yawn* I'm so bored with blogs now-a-days. For those of you who were blogging back in '06, remember the girl who faked that she was dying for blogworld attention? Now that was some interesting stuff. We need more stimulating and crazy talk people.

It's been a while since I've talked about men. The ones in my life and the ones not in my life. There was a time when I used to just blurt out everything and anything, but the older I get, the more private I've become. I guess I just don't want people to know how dumb I can be when it comes to the opposite sex. I'm no more dumb than the next woman, but I just like to pretend that I have it all together.

So do I have men drama? Yes and no. The fact of the matter is that I'm a happily, single woman. After drowning in the biggest relationship catastrophe of my life, I'm spending a little time drying my lungs out. Who knows when I'll be fully recuperated, but I'm regaining my strength everyday. They say that the easiest way to get over a man is to find a new one. I believe that wholeheartedly. Is it the best way? Mmm... I don't know. It's certainly not the responsible thing to do. Well for me it's not. If the goal is just to hang and run around with someone sans emotions and feelings, I could do it. But that's never the way it works for me. Dudes always want to get serious! My friend explained it like this. He told me that when I'm hanging with 28 - 32 year old men, the motives are different for them. What I really need is a man with the mentality of a 22 year old. He then told me that since I have the qualities of a wife, it's going to be dag on near impossible for a man to look at me any other way. Well shoot then! I'm not feeling all that! I just want to laugh! Be entertained! Have fun! And then go home! By Myself! Forget that 'what are we' and 'I want more' crap. It's not going to work over here playa. I don't mean to be so hard or cold, but it's just not that type of day for me. For once in my life, I'm going to be the dude. The bad chick around town. Be me.

Spotlight - CEO and Owner of Chris Leeann Boutique - Latoya Gordon

Because I believe in promoting people who are making something of themselves, I have to put the spotlight on Latoya Gordon, CEO and Owner of her very own online boutique named Chris Leeann Boutique. Now open, Chris Leeann Boutique offers women's fashions with sass, class, spunk and funk. I took a minute to interview this budding entrepreneur. Check out what she had to say.

Tell me about the name "Chris Leeann". Where does it mean and how did you come up with the name?

The name Chris Leeann is very dear to my heart. After weeks of trying to come up with a name that I could truly identify with, I finally decided to use something that would remind me about my driven purpose and that's my baby brother Chad. He's the world to me. I wanted him to know when he got older that he gave me so much drive. More then what I had before. He made me set out and want to follow my dreams. I wanted him to believe that anything was possible if he believed in it and himself. He's just the world to me. He opened my eyes and I want to do the same thing for him. Half of him is half of me so I decided to use half of his middle name Chris (Christopher) and half of mine which is Leeann (Natasha Leeann).

In your press release, it states that your former aspirations were to be the next Barbara Walters, but the railroad to reporting was derailed by your passion for fashion. How did that come about?

I just felt that there was another calling for me and it no longer lay in news reporting. I'm pretty sure that in the future I will be a fashion correspondent but my calling right now is to build the empire of Chris Leeann Boutique. People can call it shallow or a silly change of profession but I call it me filling a void that needs to be filled. I call it putting a smile on someone's face when they can find themselves in something that fits their needs and makes them feel glam. Every woman wants that. Every woman needs that. I'd like to call it Fashion Therapy. And I am the Fashion Therapist.

Do you think you'll ever return to your first goal of reporting?

Of course. I will be working on a weekly fashion report show that will air on Chris Leeann Boutique.

Tell us about the boutique's motto. "The chic in class, the stylish in sass, the fab in funk..."

It's the first thing I think about when I look into my closet, go shopping, or staring down the fashion streets of New York. It's a unique look that will separate one from the rest. It's not just a plain black suit when you go on an interview. It's wearing that black suit with a sun, bright, yellow clutch and leopard print shoes. It's stepping out of the gap and stepping into Chris Leeann. Stepping into your own fashionista's. It's glamming a plain look and making it fashion!

With this being your first big fashion endeavor, it must feel pretty good to finally be open for business. What was the most difficult part of the journey?

Everything was. LOL. I had a tumultuous road getting to this point and journey is only 30% complete. I had a vision and I refused not to have it carried out as pictured. This was my dream. My baby. And the road to get here was nothing easy. But at the end of the day all the sleepless nights and many other sacrifices were well worth it.

What was the easiest?

Listening to my judgement.

Who did you collaborate with on the boutique? Or was this a solo endeavor?

Solo. But I do owe a lot to the many people who have assisted me and given me great encouragement. I can't take all the credit 100%. I couldn't of done it all without certain people in my life being great mentors and others offering assistance when needed.

Whose collections are you selling?

BB Dakota

Ally Marie

Denada

Its a small inventory but each piece is something sensational. I have nothing but confidence for each item I've hand selected myself. Toot Toot (That's me tooting my own horn. LOL)

On chrisleeannboutique.com you are selling about five articles of clothing and ten separate accessories. Do you plan to add more fall merchandise to your boutique?

The next items will be Winter and Holiday.

So what's next for Chris Leeann Boutique?

Everything. There's no stopping. I'm building an empire. I'm branding a name. There will be a store front eventually, a fashion talk show, and something very dear to me will be the various charity programs. But not jumping too far ahead, Spring 2009 will be the launch of my own women's singlet collection exclusively to none other than Chris Leeann Boutique. So be on the look out for La Ture - my singlet collection.

And lastly, how does it feel to be CEO and Owner of your very own boutique?

Sometimes I have to sit back and let it really absorb. Thinking to myself "I did it." I really own my own company. I'm a mini mogul (watch out Kimora!). It reminds me of how far I've come and much farther I will go.

Check out Latoya Gordon's boutique at chrisleeannboutique.com.

Joy

I've been taking B-Complex vitamens everyday for about 2 weeks and I have to say that it makes a difference. I originally bought them so that my behind wouldn't get so testy during PMS, but taking my 9am dose has extremely improved my mood and attitude. I haven't been moody in 2 weeks! My spirits are insanely high and I feel like I'm walking on air. I understand that what I'm describing sounds like I'm high, but I'm not. Or maybe I am. Vitamens are supposed to pick you up right? Regardless, my energy levels are fantastic. Last night, someone said that I looked like I was glowing and jovial. That's exactly what I'm going for. I'm so not stressed, and it shows! My spirits are souring.




Today's the beauty sale at work. Everything will be under $5. It's going to be so much fun. My cousin and aunt have already sent me on a mission for certain products so it's a good thing that I'm going into the fashion department early. (They made us schedule appointment times to shop to avoid crazed masses of women fighting over a bottle of Chanel nail polish.) I don't really NEED anything per se, but you know how that goes. I could always use more nail polish and perfume. What the fashion department REALLY needs to have is an accessories sale. Shoes, bags and jewelry. Now THAT would be something.




Speaking of work, how is it possible that I'm still in love with my job 10 months in? Usually I become bored or someone/something about the everyday job presses the wrong button, but this time around, it's perfect. There's not thing that I would change. What I like most about working at Essence is that it allows me the room to be me and find me. While we're still corporate, other jobs have been very stiff or conservative or just plain ole white. But here, I'm able to breathe. I can plaster my wall with pictures of beautiful brown ladies and not get the side eye. I can wear my hair naturally curly and not become a spectacle. I can say "hey girl!" to my co-worker and not be tagged as 'the urban girl'. I can present sales numbers in meetings and not be the young girl who doesn't know what she's talking about. It's just so easy here. AND (this is a bonus for me), the work's not easy. I'm mentally stimulated almost everyday. It helps that I adore the product as well. (In my humble opinion, Essence and Uptown are the best African-American magazines out there.) And then to be surrounded by so many intelligent and beautiful strong woman... I can go on all day. I just have to thank Jehovah God for putting me in this place. I prayed for it with all my might, and like a Father true to His word, He made it possible.




I'm just so happy with my life. It couldn't be more perfect right now. There's no drama. I have different buckets of friends all over the city that I love. I'm enjoying life without obligations to a man or children. I feel beautiful from the inside out. I'm doing what I love. And I'm partaking in my side passions. I'm trying to be very careful to remember this feeling though, because we can take moments of joy for granted. When I'm 30, stressed out with kids, a husband, and other annoying things of life, I'll be able to think back, remember this feeling, and pull it forward to brighten my day and perspective. Prayerfully, this state of joy will never abandon me, but that's up to me and my mental state, right? Think happy thoughts and you shall be happy!

Remember?

Mokenstef
Tevin Campbell
BBD
New Edition
Bobby Brown
SWV
En Vogue
Heavy D & the Boyz
Salt N Pepa
ABC
Kriss Kross
The Boys
Hi-Five
Troop
Jade
Total
Shai
Color Me Badd
Levert
Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam
Michel'le
Boyz II Men
Milli Vanilli
Jodeci
TLC
Tony! Toni! Tone!
After 7
Guy
Montell Jordan
Lisa Stansfield
X-Scape
Monica
Brandy
Blackstreet
Throw Back Mary J
Throw Back Whitney Houston
Throw Back Mariah Carey
Next
Soul 4 Real
Adina Howard
Keith Sweat
702
Subway
Silk
Toni Braxton
Throw Back Babyface
Zhane
Throw Back Janet Jackson
Throw Back LL Cool J
Karyn White
Jody Watley
Shabba Ranks
Arrested Development
Surface
Christopher Williams
Al B Sure
Mint Condition
Tony Terry
Changing Faces
Throw Back R. Kelly
DeBarge
Atlantic Starr
Anita Baker
Teena Marie
Whodini
DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince
Biz Markie
Throw Back Prince
Freddie Jackson
Run DMC
Kurtis Blow
Slick Rick
Doug E Fresh
UTFO
Mc Lyte
De La Soul

Add to the list!

thanks Jai and Rika!

Yes, I Can!

15 Things to Do Before 10/09
- go snowboarding
- obtain an IRA
- write 7 fantastic songs
- get baptized
- have a committed relationship with a strong and spiritual man
- take a European trip with my sis
- spend a random weekday in a luxury hotel
- become AmEx debt free
- fine tune my cooking skills
- put together a photography portfolio
- take my vitamen daily
- gain no more than 5 lbs.
- take latin and ballet dance courses and pilates for excerise
- become BOMB at my job and get a good raise
- get into interior design
inspired by Essence magazine

How I'm Feeling Right Now

I Need To Dance

Three songs I'm dying to go to the club for.
What use are these songs if I haven't danced to them yet?

T-Pain Feat. Lil' Wayne - Can't Believe It (New) [HQ]
by wonderful-life1989

John Legend ft Andre 3000-Greenlight (NEW)
Uploaded by SaucissonMan

Go to the 2 minute mark...

T.I. Ft. Rihanna - Whatever You Like / Live Your Life (Live)
Uploaded by wonderful-life1989

Menswear

Oh how I love a nicely tailored/dressed man. TIME's Style&Design issue is all about menswear and Tom Ford donning the front cover in superstar style. Man he looks good! 5 buttons on his jacket cuff, a crisp white shirt, and a wool, buttoned vest. He's SUCH a boss. There's a balance to be found though when men dress. At least for my men there are. I don't necessarily want my man to look like he walked off a runway (hence fruity), but there are a few particulars that I think every man should have in his closet. In my humble opinion...

First of all, a fly casual coat or two is a must. You can easily throw it on with some timbs and jeans and even (gasp!) a white tee, and look fresh to death. Spend a little money on your outerwear and any man is SET.

You know what else I love on a man? Sweaters. Pullover sweaters. Soft cashmere ones are the best but wool and cotton will do as well. For some reason, a lot of men are afraid of sweaters. Why is that? Well maybe that was the case back in college. Hopefully dudes have grown since then.

Next, is the watch. I ALWAYS notice a man's watch. A really nice watch says a lot about a man, I believe. It doesn't have to be a Rolex nor a Audemars Piguet watch, but it must be clean. I suggest having a slick black one, and a rugged brown one with stitching detail at least. Build up the collection from there.

I don't even need to mention this, but please have a head to toe nice suit look. That inlcudes the suit, the tie, the shirt, the shoes and the socks. Yes, dress socks ARE important. Go to GAP or Banana Republic and pick up some nice argyle ones for example. Those are always classy.

And last, but DEFINITELY not least (in fact, I should have put this first), is the cologne. Jean Paul Gaultier and Yves Saint Laurent both have incredible scents whose names I can't remember. I just experienced YSL the other day and thought I was going to lose my mind. The right cologne on a sexy man is enough to make me ....mmm.... nevermind. lol.

Happy shopping!

"Give Me Free"

I have got to get out of here. I swear another 10,000 people moved into the city yesterday. I could not walk on the sidewalk for the life of me today. All I wanted was to get to Staples in one piece. But I should have known better than to try to walk 7 blocks during lunch hour. I wanted to hit a couple of people in their heads with my bag. I promise you that I was about 5 seconds from doing so. And to the next person that I walk behind who lights up and blows a huge wad of cigarette smoke in my face, I am going to put my stilletto heel right in the middle of their back. And what? It was just pure insanity out there today. There were police all over the place, ambulances trying to squeeze by huge 18 wheelers, and a stadium load of dark suits coming out of a conference at Radio City all at once... sigh... Please get me out of here.

I told my manager that I'm not coming in tomorrow. I have exceeded my limit and I need a break. I HAVE to get out of the city or I will scream. Wednesday is mental health day for j.a.c. I think I might go where there are lawns, trees, houses and fresh air. Give me the Metro North, NJ Transit or LIRR. Just get me out so I can breathe again.

Another Chapter Ends

I just finished another journal. I think this one is #7 or so. This journal took me from August 27, 2007 to September 21, 2008. I love it when I close up a chapter of my life. I never go back to read my previous entries until I hit the last page. And even then, I only read the first page or so. The beginning of my first entry reads like this. "As I left my last journal, I was in the cut of the most challenging times of my life. I can still say that I'm in a challenged position but maybe not as dramatic. I'm a little more grounded, a little more at peace." Well, at peace I am. This last year has been full of decisions. Very hard decisions. All of which have turned out very well. All of which have provided me with a great deal of peace. Within the last pages of this journal, I promised myself to have a little more fun. Now that I know who I am and what my purpose is in life, I'm looking forward to being a little more free. I'm looking forward to being a great ball of joy. I promised myself to smile a lot. To take in the beauty of randomness. And to not take for granted the little things. I'm going to do the things that make me happy and truly live life. So raise your glass with me to the next chapter! Cheers!

Weekend/Skyline/Random Happiness

The weekend was pretty okay. I spent some time getting to know an associate and patched up an awkward miscommunication between us two. Bought a desk space heater to prepare for fall and winter in the office. I bumped into a few celebrities (Savion Glover, Ivanka Trump, Keenya from ANTM) in SoHo. I got thrifty by donating two bags of clothes and shoes worth over $400. And last but not least, I helped a really good friend out of a slump and had a good time in the process. Saturday night was sporadic and amazing. There's nothing better than meeting on a random street 1 hour after a text and dashing from bar to bar and finally a dance floor. And it was such a beautiful night. Absolutely perfect weather.

I just took a glance out the window. The city skyline is mesmorizing now that the sun is setting. I take for granted the fact that I have a view of the Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building from my window. The beginnings of another cemented eyesore of a building are sitting fairly close to the window though. As soon as it's done, I'm certain the Empire State Building will be drowned out, which is sad, but hey, this is New York City. What's the city without another 20 story building squeezed into a pee hole of a space?

I'm taking a random day off in the middle of the week. I've been feening for a hiccup in the week since my co-worker left me alone for a entire 5 days to handle the madness alone. The routinue can be a little boring if you don't spice it up once in a while ya know? I'm making a full fledged effort to insert random and spontaneous happiness into my life. So be prepared for blogs of random trips to upstate NY, staycations in hotels right here in the city on a weeknight, a prospective trip to a New England state, skiing in Philadelphia, etc. Gotta love life!

It's Not About Honesty. It's About Choices.

Written by Request

We’ve been together for a little more than a year. What shocks me is that he hasn't changed. From the day I met him until today, he's still a truly divine person. Respectful, compassionate, giving, intelligent, spiritual… What I like most is that he’s a true man's man. He handles everything with dedication and care, including me. His sense of responsibility is refreshing. He always has everything under control and I've never felt more safe. I enjoy his maturity. I would be remiss not to add that he constantly seems to move mountains for me. Doing things I would never expect or ask for. He's truly a dream. But, I don't love him.

I met him about 5 months ago. We should have never had that conversation because that’s when I fell in love. He’s not like the other guys. In fact, I don’t think people actually know him like I do. When we talk, he’s different. The griminess melts away when we’re together. He just comes across wrong. It just takes the right person to reach it. He truly does have a good heart. I try to explain the warmth of his soul, but it really doesn’t matter anymore. No one has to understand it. No one but my man.

So... how do you tell your man that you’re in love with someone else?






If I could forget him I would. Please believe me. I know that I should throw the towel in, but baby it’s not that easy. You treated me so much better than him and if I was sane there would be no competition, but I’m in love with someone else. And I’m so sorry. I’m in love with another man. I know it ain’t right. You should go and find someone else who could treat you right. Give you the world. Someone who understands the man you are because baby you shine so bright and I would just dim your star. A girl who would treat you like you treat them. Boy I know there’s plenty women who would love to have a man like you but I’m in love with someone else. I’m so sorry baby.

In one word, this song is... honest. What I admire about Jazmine Sullivan’s story is that the woman in the lyrics decided to live her truth and take her freedom. At this point, it doesn't matter who the better guy is. Whether he treats her like a queen or a subject is irrelevant. Her heart belonged to someone else and she chose to follow it. Now, it seems like we're always admonished to follow our hearts, but I'm truly not feeling that advice. I’ve learned better. The heart is the most treacherous organ you have. When your heart screams one thing, but your mind says another, the best thing to do is follow your mind. Wisdom rules over emotion anyday. In the case of this story, you can DEFINITELY help who you fall in love with. You choose to spend time getting to know another. You choose to dedicate energy and attention to that person. Yes, attractions are real, however, it is well within a person's power to decide whether they will pursue that attraction or not. You always have a choice. Everyone stands at the fork in the road and has a choice. When Jazmine Sullivan's character decided to stare in the eyes of the "other man", she made her choice. So how do you get to the point where you ask yourself 'how do I tell my man that I'm in love with someone else?' You put yourself there. There's absolutely no one to blame but yourself.

Do you agree?

Ran-dumb Thoughts

This is the 3rd post I've written today.
This is the first I've published.
My other ones were too depressing.
I'm so emotionally stressed.
I've had a headache all freakin day.
The digital team today launched the new Essence.com.
It looks very nice.
I'm proud of them.
They've been here every weekend for a while.
Congratulations to them.
Why did they pop open Patron bottles when they launched?
It was 1 in the afternoon.
lol.
I guess you reward hard work with hard liquor.
Speaking of essence.com, there's a sample of the infidelity survey up.
Check this out.
Pick up the October issue of Essence to read the 9 page story.
It's really deep and quite alarming.
The story of the unfaithful husband sent me reeling.
Thankfully the editors ended the exclusive survey with the story of the faithful husband.
I'm going to see Mary J. in concert for the first time.
I feel like she's one person you should see once.
I heard she was amazing.
On Thursday, I'm going to buy my ticket for Maxwell.
Why am I going alone to these shows?
I need ryde or die JennWill.
She would go with me.
I would have had to drag her to Mary's but she would have been there nonetheless.
I can't wait for Maxwell's new stuff to come out.
Black Summer Night's.
Isn't that what it's called?
Remember Pretty Wings?
Hopefully he'll do that one for me.
Speaking of music, I've been listening to Jazmine Sullivan all day.
This is the first time I've actually paid attention and I really like.
Especially this one.
It's called "Break My Lil Heart".
Typical of me huh?
Don't even want to go there.
I admit it - I'm consumed by fantasy.
I probably dream in the fantasy world about 3 times a day.
This is not good.
Reality is not a fantasy.
But my fantasies aren't all that above and beyond.
They're normal every day things that I just don't have yet.
Nothing extraordinary.
My fantasies can become my reality.
And I will not settle for less.
The problem is that when I'm living one of my fantasies, I hardly notice.
You know what I wrote in my journal this morning?
"It was perfect and I didn't even know it."
I have to stop doing that and make sure to completely digest the moment.
But I do listen way too intently to lyrics.
I sometimes judge life by the goosebumps I get when I watch "special moments" in movies.
I need to take a step back and snap out of it.
But I just want so much more though.
Give me goosebumps dag on it!
This headache isn't going away.
Jazmine Sullivan is scatting in my ear.
Her voice is so rusty.
I love it.
I'm looking forward to Ne-Yo's album tomorrow.
I have to make sure I do get too lost in the lyrics though. =O
You know that man can do something with a pen.
Make me feel like I'm the most important person in the world with them words.
I want to go on a ski trip.
Learning how to snowboard will be fun.
That means I need to buy some ski stuff.
I get an extra check next month.
That's be perfect.
I'll start researching for my ski fashions asap.
That's something fun to do!
I have 8 days of vacation to use up between now and December.
I've already arranged all of my holiday vacations.
I might just take little days here and there.
It would be nice to go somewhere.
To put myself up in a spa for a 3 day weekend.
Oooh, that's something else to research!
I'm getting excited now.
New things always turn me on.
Too bad this headache is still here.
Check this story out on how to avoid cheating.
JennWill sent it as a response to my check-out-Essence-this-month email.
I'm leaving promptly at 5 today.
I need to do laundry.
I was SO lazy yesterday.
I laid on the couch and watch the entire Season 1 of "The Wire" on DVD.
That's what you gotta do when you didn't have HBO.
"The Wire" is extremely gritty.
I had no idea.
Good tv though.
My shows come on tonight.
I need DVR.
I can't wait to move so I can get one in my room.
Do you know that I'll be at the MJB concert during "The Game" premiere?
How will I know what happens between Melanie and Derwin?
Not having a DVR is a travesty.
Oh, there's a champagne toast at 5pm to congratulate the Essence.com team.
Guess I won't be leaving at 5pm.
I'll get some bubbly and then split.
Sound cool?
Cool!
Nite!

I NEED This Weekend

This was the longest week ever and it's still not over. I've been waking up dead tired having to yank myself out of bed. Forget that I'm sleep before 10pm. Waking up has been really hard this week. My body is so exhausted. This weekend I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, except for the movies. After work today, I'm heading straight to the theatre to enjoy some me time. I'm trying to decided if I'm going to see "The Family That Preys" or "The Woman" tonight. I'm also interested in seeing "Righteous Kill" with Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. I love those two together. I might see two movies tonight. I never did pick up the novel that I said I was going to get. I have a library of African-American literature in my desk that I haven't touched, but I'm interested in reading a period piece by Philippa Gregory. I read her book, The Boleyn Girl, in no time. It was so tasty. I would order a book from Amazon, being that Barnes&Nobles charges an insane $15 for a book, but I don't want to wait. I need a book like right now. I'm looking forward to a 2 day break. I know you are too. Enjoy it ladies and gentleman.

Last Night's Dinner Discussion

SW said that I appeared distant yesterday. Did I? Maybe a little in the beginning. But I got with the program. I did my best to include myself in the association. There were a lot of discussions going on, one of them being politics. Being that I take a neutral stance, I couldn't really get too involved with that. I hate discussing politics anyway. I'm glad they didn't 'go into it' like I thought they were. We talked about relationships too, which was inevitable. The more I hear or talk about them, the more I realized how straight to the point I am about them. There is no room for the b.s. You're either my future husband or an associate. That's it. I'm not playing any games. No "we're just friends" or "we're chillin together" crap. It's in or out. And most times, it's get the heck out. You see, I don't want my heart broken again. Yes, it may come with the territory, but I'm going to avoid situations where I'm broken hearted because I was stupid. I am a no tolerance woman right about now. Absolutely no tolerance. One of the guys at dinner told the story of his roommates courtship with his current fiance'. His roommate and fiance' have known each other for a total of 7 months and been together for 6. Let me rephrase. He's been "gettin it" for 7 months and they've been official for 6 months. She's 22 years old and he just turned 28 or 29. Call me crazy but, something about that is clearly off. Did I mention that she had the wedding planned in 3 days? Umm... Well. Let me tell you this. Relationships take extremely hard work. Those two love birds don't even KNOW the meaning of hard work. They don't know the meaning of sacrifice and tears. To be hurt by the person you love the most is no joke. If they really want to get married, I suggest they go through their first few fights. You judge the longevity of a relationship on how you work through problems, not how you do when things are peachy. Those two are in a for a rude awakening. 22 years old baby girl? Oh heck no.

"Groove With You" by the Isley Brothers is on right now. I love this song. Speaking of grooving with you, a couple of people disagreed with me that men and women can't be platonic friends. I think I need to clarify my statement. It's impossible to be good platonic friends with a man who was initially interested in dating you. And to become a true friend, you probably would need to spend time with this person. Maybe talk on the phone, hang out together, etc. Well if a man told me he was interested in me and then wanted settled for second best - platonic friends - I don't think I would be skipping down the city streets all happy like with this man who clearly wants more. Who are we kidding and why are we playing with emotions here? The man wants me! And if I don't feel the same way, it's best to leave the man alone. Any man who's expressed interest in me will be kept at a safe distance. I want to be emotional available for the man who walks in my life who I deem as potential husband material. What sense would it make for me to play the game with some man I don't even want? Like I said before, no tolerance. Lol.

Work's calling my name. Have a blessed day everyone. Until next time...

To The Communications Class

An associate of mine just asked for the link to my blog to use as an example in his communications class. LOL.

I'm laughing because if they're actually going to read it, they're going to think I'm crazy. Look at the topics to what's currently on this page. Husbands. Weddings. Wives. A recent male/female interaction. Man! Even though my blog is open to the public, I really only expect people who know me to read this. People who understand my current dealings. To the naked eye, I could sound a little... I don't know. What DO I sound like? But I guess it's me. We talked about this already right? Being true and posting exactly what I feel in my heart... What's the point if I'm not honest. This is the perfect venue to communicate my heart's desires. What would I do without it?

I do know one thing though. I need more topics. As I told Belle, the best way to get new ideas is to read. Novels, essays, textbooks, news stories... whatever. Just read. I've been craving a novel recently, so I'll be earnest about picking up a new book tomorrow.

Hope everyone's week is going well.

When?

I was on the plaza doing my WT and studying for next week's Bible study when I looked up and saw a woman dressed in all white with a lace veil blowing in the wind. Aww shoot. She's taking her wedding photographs. After completing my studies, I spotted the white balloons and out of curiousity tiptoed over, even though I knew I might cry or get sick to my stomach. I stook there for a few moments with my Bible in my right hand while both groom and bride said their I do's. Right on cue, my eyes started to burn. I realized I was only torturing myself and immediately turned on my heels to walk away. When will I be okay?

"Watch What You Ask For"

He said that my skin is so smooth. I asked him if he knew many females who had sandpaper skin. There are a lot of us delicate skinned ladies out there. He told me not to try to convince him that I'm the same as all the others. It just wasn't going to work. There's only one j. I disagreed. As a matter of fact, there are lots. I'm friends with all of them on facebook. He looked at me dead in the face and paused. There's no one like you. Absolutely no one with the same spirit. I didn't have a response for that. It was sweet but I don't know how much longer I can do this. Can't he see that I don't want to be different in his eyes. Put me in a category with everyone else. Just pals. Old buddies. Shoot the breeze with me. Don't stand in the breeze with me. I'm not interested in falling. I will not make the same mistake twice.

Beware! Gossip Kills!

The all time entertaining show "Gossip Girl" (GG) reminds of my high school days. It's amazing how similar my school was to Constance Billiard and St. Jude's School for Boys. On 90 acres of land, my school, which boasts the Kennedy's as prior students, had it all. Squash courts, nature trails, a state of the art performing arts center, a tundra, top lacrosse and field hockey teams, preppy uniforms, elite cliques, kids with BMWs and nanny's to tote, drugs inside and out of school, spouts of mono from all the teenage tongue sharing, including whispers over our morning break muffins/poppysead bagels/croissants of who gave the worst or best head. We even had a Dan too, who was in a relationship with Brady for most of our high shool days until one day senior year when he dumped her. Imagine the gossip that spread through the hallways that week day. I can't begin to conjure up what life was like for Brady when she walked into school that morning. My high school was viscious.

Gossip seems to crawl in every corner of my life lately. Oddly enough, this inundation with it is kinda making me feel uncomfortable. I'm not a fan of gossip. I've seen what it can do to people and therefore, remained as far away from it as possible during my high school days (as hard as that was). Not all gossip is bad however. Gossip can simply be an exchange of useful information like my next door neighbor is moving out of town or Beyonce is in the studio working on her next album. Gossip is idle talk. Invariably, though, it focuses, not on things, but on the foibles, failures, triumphs, and misfortunes of people. The line between harmless and harmful gossip can be treacherously thin. The statement, ‘Beyonce is in the studio,’ can easily be followed with, ‘But she's probably going to spend a total of 2 hours cutting 15 wack songs like she did last time?’ I think that people love dishing details of another person's life that others don't seem to know because it makes them feel important. The problem with that is those "details" are usually quite unflattering.

Even though I read them, blogs (including the fictional one on GG which continually ruins people's lifes) sometimes make me feel bad for the people who are continuously smashed and ripped apart. Their characters, clothes, and actions are so severly scrutinized that they can't even live let alone step out in public. Gossip can cause such irreparable damage to the name and reputation of another person. Most people don't think about this but gossip can also backfire and damage the gossiper. Instead of winning listening ears, gossip can breed distrust. Speaking for myself only, I rarely believe people who gossip all the time (eh hem YBF and Bossip).

Considering how hard it is to keep it classy, I have to say kudos to the Concrete Loop, Brown Sista, and other media outlets alike. Much respect...

Teenage Drama/Football

I have a secret and I'm not going to tell. *giggle* Sometimes I like reverting back to elementary school tactics. It reminds me of my youth. You gotta keep it fun, right? Fresh and sexy even. Well right now, I'm having a WHOLE bunch of fun. I've been on the phone most nights past midnight, acting like a straight teenage school girl. I'm tired as I don't know what, but that's not the point. I'm having a pure, back-in-the-day ball; living a high schooler's dream. Maybe that's why I'm finding "Gossip Girl" so fascinating (although I relate more to "One Tree Hill"). I've always been transfixed to the television during "Dawson's Creek", "90210", "Gilmore Girls" and shows alike, wishing I had as much heart wrenching drama in my own life. Well I'm living it. Maybe not the sobbing, depressing drama, but the boys and the girls, the parties, the happenings, the oh-no-he-didn't's, the climatic endings, the tense moments, the hints, the life-altering decisions... I'm definitely living in a t.v. show.

I printed out my football season schedule. I'm excited. Hopefully I'll be able to find some cool spots here in NY to watch the games. A lounge with chicken wings, large tvs and lots of cool people. I had a plethora of spots to choose from back in LA. I need to get my stock up here. No one in the house really likes or watches football like me so I have to get out on occasion. Oh but wait. Isn't it going to be cold here? September 4th through December 28th. I may have September and October to play with. I need a dude's house to chill at. Too bad I don't know any. I need JenWill. That's who I really need.

Good Morning/My Husband

This new John Legend song, which I love, reminds me of a little something I wrote back in '07 called "My Husband". Enjoy.

I laid there still on his bare chest feeling myself rise and lower with his breath. There I listened to his hypnotic heart beat. Words can't explain how it feels to have this reliable, chocolate complexioned man run his fingers through my un-permed hair. His fingertips soothe me as they caress my scalp. I smile because I know that this is his way of telling me how much he loves me.

When we lay at opposite ends of the bed on casual occasions; you know, in a head to foot sort of way, he likes to cuddle up and wrap his dark muscular arms around my ankles and feet. He pulls them close as if he was squeezing up against a teddy bear. It's not until later that he tells me it's to make sure that he can feel my presence, for him to know that I'm always there.

There's nothing like waking up to the feel of mature hands moving across my cocoa-colored shoulder blades and down my back. His hands swirl at the small of my back where the sheets begin to cover the rest of my body. As he leans over me, it is not his kisses that I focus on, but the trace of his cool chain moving down my spine. Heat generates out of his palms which are placed lightly on my sides.

Half asleep, I feel his eyes admiring my face, watching me lay. He secretly displays his love by tracing my lips, brushing my eyelashes, feeling the contours of my face with his fingers. I feel beautiful and like a goddess when he does this, forgetting any flaws that I may or may not have. He slowly moves closer to delicately press his soft lips against mine but I pretend to be asleep in hopes that he'll watch me forever.

I begin to look at my cinnamon-cocoa complexion through his eyes and see something I had never seen before. I see peace and a calming beauty I never thought I could possess. Looking into my own dark eyes, I see a reflexion, an image of myself that no longer has a reason to feel afraid or alone. There's a method to his manliness that obsesses me. A healthy obsession that connects our souls together. In him I see our happiest memories and picture our unknown future. Desires and passions run through him like never before when he watches me, needs me, wants me. He identifies me as his better half as I do him. We are one and fuse together to create human symbols of our love – children.

I have yet to meet you but I see you on my blank page before I write. I long for the day when you whisper 'hey you' and we know. Your responsibility and honesty turn me on. Your dedication drives me to desire to be the best wife I can be. To take care of your every need. To be the support that you will never lack. A mature, God-fearing husband is what you will be. Until I meet you, I choose to travel alone and continuously dream of visions of my soul mate, my best friend, my husband.

The Sisterhood of Waiting Wives

There's nothing wrong with our ex-men. They all accomplish their goals and work hard for what they want. All speak very well and can hold intelligent conversations with various groups of people. They know how to make us feel like queens for a while. They treat us with respect and have all declared their love for us. They fit well into our circles and blend nicely with our families. They are all clean, shaven, good-looking, well-dressed men... Pause... Unfortunately (and fortunately come to find out) not-a one of them is ready. One man says that he doesn't know what's wrong with him, but promises he's in love. Another one says he can't be the man he knows he should be in a marriage. Yet another says, 'I'm too rusty and need more time.' And another plainly wants to leave his options open.

I believe the consensus around the room is that we don't have the time nor the energy. From one girlfriend to the next, the message is clear. "I'm tired of the b.s. If he wants me, he'll step correctly. Until then, every trace of him WILL be deleted." I'ma tell you right now, and brother's be forewarned, there's a some sort of women's revolution going on around here, and I love it. I'm very proud to be a member of this group, especially because the membership seems to be at an all time high. (Well actually, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Maybe the 'misery loves company' cliche' should be entered here?) I have never been surrounded by so many intelligent, worthy, determined, yet enormously exhausted sisters in my life. While broken hearts abound, not one of us is crumbled to the point where we're willing to sacrifice our self-esteem and dignity for the unfullfilling "love" of these exes, or any other man. We're known to be very emotional creatures who crave the attention, dedication and touch of a man, yet as I look around at the faces in the room, including my own, I see pain turned into wisdom and desperation turned into maturity. We're all past our teenage and newbie 20 years where we fall stupidly in love and announce to the world that one day we'll marry this can-do-no-wrong-boy that we just met 4 months ago. The days of persistant flirting are gone as we now know that its dire consequences can leave us in compromising sexual situations. Our identities are now defined within ourselves instead of by what a man thinks, wants or needs. We actually recognize that until married, we come first. What a concept! Each member of my sisterhood is regaining strength.

Some are still hurt. Some have their temporary angry going on. Some are very quiet. But what feels good is that we all understand - each other and ourselves. We're encouraging one another and sticking really really really close when a potential suitor walks into the mix. No woman will battle the elements on her own! "What did he say after you said that?... What?!... Oh no. Girl, look. Yes, he's fine and conversation flows easy, but don't forget what's real." Sharing the necessary information has never been more important. It saves a lot of time, disappointment, rolling of the neck, tongue lashing, and sleepless nights as well as assists in opening eyes when they're willingly shut as a reaction to his exquisite charm and big muscular back. Even though the support group is always available, we're also learning to be keen about what to divulge and what to handle on our own. Half of growing up is learning to dicipher foreign situations on your own using your internal compass - common sense, past experiences and gut instinct.

We're united in faith and hope. Each and every one of us knows that our Mister Mister is slowly or perhaps diligently preparing himself for us. The ain't-no-good-men-out-here-hype doesn't persuade us. For the mere fact that we've all be ready to run to the alter with "a good man' shows that marriage material does exist. We're all waiting wives. For now, we relish our singledom. We take pride in how far we've come and take pleasure our sisterhood. We convene frequently to do the things ladies do - laugh, shop, pursue higher education, swap stories, form businesses, travel, eat, build careers, dress, give advice, and simply be there. That well-known email chain that encourages women to never forget their girlfriends comes to mind. How pertinent and true in these times.

I am a proud member of The Sisterhood of Waiting Wives.

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I already can't wait to get out of here.
Got plans tonight.
I'm nervous about getting my hair cut.
Not sure how it'll look on me.
Watch I punk out.
I have a lot of pictures for my stylist.
She's always amazing a pulling things together.
However, I hate this current cut she gave me.
It's just a large bowl.
Which would be fine if I was a celebrity.
Or if I was doing a high fashion spread.
But I'm not.
My sister decided not to leave town.
That's good.
My grandmother's extraordinarly excited to see me.
I'm almost scared.
lol.
"We are conducting tests on the fire alarm system."
Great.
I guess I'll just turn my music up louder.
Today's the 27th.
5 more days until September.
I need to find a nude lipstick.
This girl pinned up on my wall has a perfect shade on.
She looks very pretty.
"Pretty".
I don't like that word.
I hated it when people said I was pretty.
I would be the one to take it as a insult huh?
Pretty just wasn't grown enough.
It was very elementary and safe.
One thing's for sure, I never wanted to look safe.
Even though that's who I am.
Safe j.a.c.
I just looked across my desk and saw the Obamas.
I despise politics.
I don't care who's running.
I might get stabbed for that but whatever.
Politics are evil.
Put me on the other team.
Religion.
Oh no!
I was supposed to have something today for someone!
I forgot!
Gotta make a phone call.

Cosmic

On Repeat: Sol-Angel & The Hadley Street Dreams

There was a hair grease stain on the window by my seat. So my view into the world was smeared and foggy this morning. Perfect background for the song I was listening to. "Cosmic Journey". Tell me where do we go on this wide and traveling open road.To the hills where the love people go.Far in the night you and I.Don't look back you will find me.Cosmic journey and I love you I swear.Won't you go deeper than deep can take you to me.Make the words roll over your tongue to mine.Cuz I probably kiss you better than I'll tell you.The way you touch feels so sublime. I'm not sure where my mind was during my commute. I think Solange and Bilal overpowered me. I was up in the galaxies somewhere for sure; just floating around with big hair. Sounds like a video concept.

Untitled

"What do you want?!", she said out loud as she looked at her caller ID. It was him again. That annoying humming noise she hated began to ring in her ears. She closed her eyes to help pacify the sound in her head and tossed her iPhone on the bed. The darkness wasn't helping. She would need to lay down. Everytime he calls, she goes through this. Her world becomes a little more grey. Keeping her eyes closed she blindly curled into the fetal position and balled her tiny hands into fists by her head. "Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry." No matter how reassuring her words, a tear always seem to escape the bars that her eyelashes were providing. She was feeling overwhelmed. Her mother told her the best way to get through moments like this but when the emotions took over, she forgot everything. All rationale was lost. More tears flooded her face and began to soak the white duvet cover she bought earlier in the week. She loved duvet covers and currently had 10 of them stuffed in her linen closet. But as was her subconscious rule, she never used a duvet cover twice. She tried to, but the memories associated with that large piece of fabric would set her off into a tunnel of sadness. 'Britton used to love me under this cover... I'll just die without him... I'm going to be lonely forever... What's the use of living...' After re-gaining her strength and sensibilities approximately 1 month after each of her man-induced breakdowns, she'd fold the duvet, stuff it on the top shelf, and buy a new one. The current, tear-stained duvet cover under her tiny body was number 11. 11 men, 11 duvet covers. The muscles in her stomach began to release causing her fetal position to lax a little. Her legs began to straighten and her fists were no longer clenched. "Breathe. Breathe. Breathe." Rolling over onto her back, she opened her eyes and wiped the remaining tears from her temples. "You know better than this," she chastised to the ceiling. "Get it together. Count to 10 and then get up. 1...2...3...4..." The vibrations by her knee distracted her count. "You have an incoming call. Answer the phone. You have an incoming call." A ghastly pang struck her stomach. Squeezing her eyes shut, she rolled back into the fetal position and clenched her fists back into tiny balls. "Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry."

I'm A Movie Star

Have you ever known that you belong with someone after one conversation? I haven't. But I keep watching movies where that's the case. What's that like and why can't it be that simple? "Dan In Real Life" was a great movie. As light and fluffy as I felt after the movie, I crashed really hard when the next two minutes of real life kicked in. But I don't care because getting away feels so great. For the hour and 40 minutes that I'm breathing in another land, I know what it feels like to be in love or to experience the cute little surprises that make me giggle and the weird moments that make me cock my head to the side. I enjoy all of it. The open and free moments that seem perfectly set up. Genuine moments. I'm waiting for life to make me giggle and cock my head but I bet that the audience member who's watching my life would say that it already has. I'm in love with the way movies make me feel. The trouble is that I look for that feeling in life. Memorable character introductions where 'he' magically walks into my life and flawless crescendos that leave me breathless. I'm probably the biggest hopeful romantic ever. It's hard to remember that life is a little more jagged. Bump a little. Life is extraordinarily jagged. I would love to watch my own movie one day. People seem to have touching things to say about me but I'm always surprised. I'd love to see what they're referring to. Why do I always feel like I'm a work in progress searching for a better me then? What is everyone else talking about? Eh. What was I talking about? Ah. Movies. I love movies. Perhaps to my detriment being that I want to live in them, but what can I say. I love pain too. =)

Change Is Me

After monumental changes, it always takes me a while to find not only happiness, but myself. Learning how to fit in, what my purpose is, whether I want to fullfill that purpose, how to be, how to look, where to find solitude, where to find people, how to feel at home... It's all such a challenge when you abandon everything you know. After change, there are so many readjustments to be made. Not surprisingly though, most of them are mental. I fight conversion. Physically and mentally alientating myself from new surroundings seem to be the easiest way to fight. No, this isn't where I'm from. Naw, I don't know nothing about that. Uh uh, that's not how we do it where I'm from. No, that's alright cuz I'm going home for the weekend. There's no such thing as "when in Rome, do as the Romans do" for me. I resist change until it's humanly impossible. I don't know when that 'humanly impossible' time hit during this trip, but that time is long gone. I'm finally blissfuly happy with my life. I am no longer just a Washingtonian. What I am now is a Washingtonian who found herself in California and grew into womanhood in New York. I have layers upon layers upon layers of an identity. As it turns out, change is my best friend. Who I am is a result of change.

John Legend ft. Andre 3000 : Green Light

Cassie ft. Lil Wayne : Official Girl

Ne-Yo : Miss Independent

Watch: "The Black List: Vol. 1"

If you are anything like me, and weren't too happy about the "Black in America" segments presented by CNN and Essence, you'll be refreshed by director Timothy Greenfield-Sanders' documentary, "The Black List: Vol. 1". I just came back from the screening and I have that good feeling you get when you're proud to be an African-American. Make sure you check it out on Monday, August 25th at 9pm EST on HBO.

"Journalist Elvis Mitchell interviews twenty African American leaders, ranging from athletes and academics to politicians, social activists, and artists, providing a series of living portraits-a unique glimpse into the zeitgeist of black America-and redefining traditional notions of a "blacklist". "

IMDb

Addicted to Fashion

You don't know how high I feel right now. Ladies and gentleman, LET ME TELL YOU.

I feel marvelous!

My clothes look good, my hair is tight and my booty is shaking from the left to the right.

To the Left!

To the Right!

lol.

Ya'll remember that rhyme?!

I don't think it went exactly like that, but you know what I mean. =)

But seriously.

I walked into K.R.'s office and she gave me the nicest compliment ever!

She said she was bragging about me to her best friend.

That I have a personal style and body that she admires.

I was looking at her like "huh?"

Out of all the beautiful women here at Essence, you're looking at ME as your prototype?

She said that other people try too hard.

That's funny cuz my inspiration definitely comes from other women here.

They're sharpening me!

We all sharpen each other!

I think it's just the dress though.

Three people, including our president, gave me compliments on it.

I'm finally getting my Italian Vogue: The Black Issue! YES!

I looked through someone else's copy this this morning and I was in awe.

It was almost if I didn't want to touch the pages for fear of fingerprint marks.

I'm so inspired now!

Can I do a photoshoot?!

I just want to do one photoshoot.

Be glamorous for a day in haute couture.

I'm definitely planning my trip for Paris and London now.

My sis and I are going to go together.

It'll be the perfect trip for us.

I told her that her money not need be funny, cuz it's on.

Perhaps we'll do Milan, Italy too!

Geez I love fashion!

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I re-learned about training the conscience while reading on the bus this morning.
People don't have consciences anymore.
They just do whatever it is they feel like doing.
I remember when my conscience began to get weak.
When I just didn't care.
Not a good look on me.
I'm ready to plan my next trip.
I desperately want to go abroad to Paris and London.
I'm even contemplating going by myself.
Going in a big group would be counter-productive for me.
Coordinating preferences, differing personalities, gathering large amounts of money.
Naw son.
3 people max.
I just want to enjoy the sites and shop.
You think I can save a grand for shopping alone?
Lol.
Hey, you never know.
It could be possible if I plan the trip for 2010.
The fam reunion is next year anyway.
*rolling my eyes*
I didn't think my family was one of those families with drama.
All I request is that you leave me out of it.
I don't want to know.
I'm still looking for that haircut.
I have until the 28th to pull all of my potential haircuts together.
Can you believe that August is almost over?
Back to school kiddies!
I watched MTB last night.
You know why I'm looking forward to this season.
Cuz I like performing arts preparations.
Rehearsals, learning choreography, promotion, photography.
Production.
That's my kind of stuff.
Possibly the most exciting time of the whole thing.
I remember when we used to spend nights in the recording studio.
I remember teaching choreography in my parent's basement.
Those were the fun times.
Ah memories.
I've begun reading some of my old blogs.
Some of them seem so foreign to me.
There was a blog about a crush back in 2007.
I don't even know who that blog was about!
What else is going on?
The fam is taking a trip to my grandmother's over labor day weekend.
Dad is talking about spending the night out there.
I don't want to.
I was trying to do some things with my labor day weekend evenings.
I was hoping to be in and out.
I know that's wrong though.
All my grandmother wants is to spend time with me.
I need to chalk it up and be the loving grandchild that I should be.
She got a new house too so she's excited for me to see it.
My emotions will get there once we pull up into her driveway.
Don't worry.
I'll be right in there with her.
Feeling the joy.
*sigh*
Have a good day people.